Too Cute To Be Str8

:: 2004 19 August :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: sick

move out day
Move out day is fast approaching... its tomorrow! Packing sucks. Very much so sucks. Its not goin very well... its kinda slow. I guess I'm almost done. I just need stuff from tomorrow and then all my clothes. then I should be done. But I dont wanna do it. I guess I'll wait a little bit till I get some motivation. I'll be up all freaking night waiting for that. I finally packed my room stuff... not as much there as I thought there would be. But it did make me think there are things I need to get OUT of my room before I go... thats important. Yep, wait for the cover of darkness......

:: 2004 17 August :: 11.06pm
:: Mood: blah

I fell off the face of the earth
So I've been MIA lately. Work is eating me up and I hate it... but tomorrow is my last day... till Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Sucky!

On top of all of this I dont feel good. Like big time dont feel good. My whole body hurts and I sleep a ton and I drink water like what and everything hurts and I sound funny and I just hate it!

But oh well, I'll live.

Hey I move out on Friday. I started to do my laundry so that I could pack it. Very nice. And its lookin like tomorrow night and Thursday is hard core packing day. I need to pack, I've packed nothing. Thats not cool.

Ok, so thats all I've got... I fell off the face of the earth and I'm slowly trying to climb back. We'll see how it works.

:: 2004 15 August :: 10.02am

y the hell did i ever think he would go with me today. i knew he was to good to be true and once again i set myself up to be hurt. i really did like him too. i just wish i could have gone today but i didn't want to go by myself and because i have like no friends and that is no joke, i don't get to go. i'm glad i have rob left but i really wanted things to work with KoRy.

:: 2004 14 August :: 2.07pm
:: Mood: stressed

Oh so much
There is a lot of stuff goin on, and I dont like it. Oh well though right? I guess I just need to get away for a little bit. I'm really looking forward to next week Thursday, thats when I start my vacation. I just feel like I'm doing too much right now and have no time to just sit. And thats prolly because I dont have time to just sit. Ok, well I should be packing. I move out on Friday. But I dont wanna pack... so I think I will nap! OOOO the wonders a mid afternoon nap can bring!

Tonight there is a possible party at Lafs. If Buck doesnt have to work I will be going. That will be fun. I want to hot tub!

Ok now I'm just excited about this nap thing... I'm done writing.

:: 2004 12 August :: 9.47am

i had another great night with my boys and megs last night. i really really like kory. but i wish he would just come out and tell me his seceret. rob and megan already told me and its not bad but it would be nice of him to tell me ecspecially if he really likes me too. but last night i went over to rob's they played a couple games of pool and then we went to meijer to meet megz then we went to star and stole signs then we went to papa johns they were closed then we went to meijer actually in the store this time then we went to i hop and then to our gas station and then back to rob's were they played more pool until rob decided to go make a phone call and then kory and i had a great make out session and we talked a bit. then we decided it was bed time so i went home. i miss them already.

cshawks2003

:: 2004 11 August :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: I Just Wanna Fucking Dance - JSTO

Why?
I have yet to understand why people treat me like shit. For some reason some people...who will remain anonymous...have suddenly started to bitch about how my life is so great blah blah...jsut because I have my school paid for with scholarships....well guess what hun....I EARNED IT. And if anyone thinks my life is anywhere near perfect think again...anyone who reads this has NO FUCKING CLUE what I have to go through right now. No I don't want sympathy either...but guess what? I have major problems right now in my life...and when people give me those comments in my journal...anonymously...yeah....it pisses me off. Who in the hell has the right to say that stuff about me...yeah so what if I am gay...I never said I was...but if I was what does that have to do with anyone and who gave YOU the right to tell everyone. Oh well thats ok...for all of you that I still consider friends...and who still treat me with respect...thank you...and to my new friends...who I have a lot of now...thank you for all of the great times. I can not wait to have more. I am really moving along in my life and whoever doesn't wanna take the time to accept me for who I am can take a flying leap cuz I don't care. Ok I've got what I need to say out.

Laters guys :)
Allen

3 comments | Comment On This

:: 2004 11 August :: 11.33am

i want to see everyone before i leave...maybe benny will throw me a going away party that i can invite my friends to...chances are no alchy for you guys but it will still be fun..he's got dunes on him property...just watch out for trolls and troll eating armidilos...or maybe i'll just have a party at my dad's...either way i want to see you all before you go off on you life adventures and before i go to hell...i'm excited though.

:: 2004 10 August :: 10.18pm

well kim left today i hope everything goes good and she can ship in the morning...if not she'll have to go with me...that would be awesome. i'm scared already. i 'm gonna miss kory, ben, and rob so much they keep me sane right now and i wish i would have known them before i enlisted cuz i don't think i would have. but at least i get to party with them until i leave...i'm gonna have such bad hang overs.

:: 2004 8 August :: 3.28pm
:: Mood: blah

Long time no write
So, a lot of stuff has happened. A lot of people arent what they seem or dont do as they say. Also, I've been getting in trouble a lot. And I dont know how much trouble I really deserve to be in.

Ok lets start with a few nights ago... last monday. Fun times out with Mal Emma and Ashley. Then Ashley yells lots. I kiss Pete. Crazy times.

Then lets go with Tuesday night. I cried a lot. Lots of John stuff coming back up. Lots of just not knowing what I want to do and not knowing what I should do and not knowing where I am in life. It was a deep night full of crying. Then I get home, mom and dad pissed... lotsa pissed. More crying. That relationship that everyone should have with there parents isnt there for me. And I wish it was.

Now lets fast forward to Friday night. Lotsa shit happened. Lets go with the less deep of the three first. Emma kisses with John. I dunno. I dont think I should be mad at Emma. And I'm basically over that they have kissed. This is evident by the fact that I can go hang out with John. But I am still mad at Emma and I've decided its because of how she handled it. I thought we were better more mature people than how things are going. I mean John came to me steped up and said hey this is what happened and I'm stupid for it. Great, now go deal with Dena and we're straight. And he did and we are. Emma on the other hand just keeps blaming everyone. I really just wish that she could suck it up admit it happened and say sorry. But instead shes blamed everyone in the world. Drunk is an excuse yes, but you still suck it up and admit that you did it. She even tried to make me feel bad. I was gonna just let it go, accept that she wont admit it and move on. But then I just asked her how she would feel if the situation was reversed. And she said to me "Well, my sister does kinda like Pete" Ummm Bitch! That was COMPLETELY different. 1. no one told me and 2. they arent dating. I was told that she had a thing with Jamason. I dunno I just got pissed when she said that because she shouldnt try and make me feel bad when I've done nothing wrong. Just be a girl and admit that you screwed up. Thats all I'm asking for. Its a big pet peve of mine when people cant just accept whats happened. Its in the past and whatever excuse there is for it happening, it happened, so step up to it. Like I said I'm over the kiss. I'm just upset that a girl I concidered a great friend isnt showing the good character I know that she has.

Most deep story here... Jason Schultz. big ass. Lotsa stuff happened. And I dont know what to say. I'm prolly not gonna say anything really. I'm fine I guess. I really cant be upset with anyone but myself right? A girl should know better than to be invited to go sleep and think that there will actually just be sleeping. A girl should know better than that right? I dunno I guess I am just a dilusional girl that thinks that if a guy agrees to no sex then there will really be no sex. Hmmm my bad. Gotta say it was a scary time. And I'm kinda upset wtih his roomate. I dont know this other roomate but for pete sake if you here someone yelling "no" and "ouch" and "stop" and "get the hell off me" and all that stuff... why would you not come rescue the girl? I dunno. I'm stupid. Gotta be more careful. I'm really stupid.

:: 2004 8 August :: 11.28am

well last night had to have been the best entertainment i've had in a long time. kim and i went and hung out with Kory and Benny. Watch out for the armadilos and trolls! kim and i left my grandma's early cuz we were bored we came home and went in chat rooms like normal and then kory came online and we talked. and he talked us into meeting them at the gas station...benny drove so of course i was jelous of his yellow chevy s10 zr2....benny is hot...then we followed them to benny's and then we went to the dunes behind his house and had a bonfire...i got to use my 4wheel drive...it was saweet....we had a great time...then we decided to go into grant 4 of us in a 3 passenger truck...i was squised in the back with kory behind benny who has to have a lot of room cuz he wants to...then kim and i had to freaking pee so bad...but yea i had fun i wish we could do that every night...i wish i didn't have to leave them..but i will be able to go to school and become a better person and then come home to them in 4yr 22wks...well thats all for now...ttyl

:: 2004 5 August :: 10.26am

last night was prolly one of the best nights in my life. i was with my Kory and Roberty and Megz. they are my family. Kory and I have the saweetest relationship, we get all the privallages of being together just we aren't. he is the best thing that could happen to me right now and i hope we remain friends. Rob too, since he is going to be adopting my ferret. i shall miss everyone. i'm trying to plan a party but i have to square some things up first. i'll keep you updated though. peace out. lisa

:: 2004 3 August :: 9.31pm

i love you all and i will miss you:( i leave sept 7th for basic wish me luck

:: 2004 30 July :: 8.41am

well guess who might be moving home again?? if you guessed me you're right. i'm home tonight cuz kim is staying here until she ships out. after i find out my ship date that will determine when i quite my job and come home. if anyone is confussed about what to do with their life and don't know what they are going to do for the rest of it see me...the army is a great idea...and you only have a few weeks of yelling after that you are done. well gots to go...peace

:: 2004 28 July :: 12.39pm
:: Mood: numb

crazy

I have the biggest relief of my life and I still feel all tense. I dunno what to say or do. I mean what all just happened was honestly the scariest most crazy thing that has ever happened to me. And I dunno, its over but its still with me. I dont know how to explain it. Just that I feel all tense. Like physical muscle tension as well as mental tension.

I guess things could be worse right so I should just stop complaining. It just sucked that I had only one person to complain to... Rob. And I guess thats my choice right? I didnt seek out anyone else. I thought I could do it on my own and then when it got really bad.... like crying bad I'd call up Rob all hysterical and he'd get me to stop crying and send me on my merry way and then I'd stress again... cry... merry way... it was a never ending cycle. So I guess its my own fault.

I guess what it comes down to is that I hate burdening other people with my problems. Everyone has their own. And I'd rather just keep mine to myself then unload them on someone else. It only seems fair. And I dnt know I just dont do that whole problem talking thing very well... one day its prolly gonna kill me.

I'd still love to talk to someone about whats goig on... ya know to actually tell someone something sometimes is just relaxing. Knowing that someone else knows is sometimes helpful. But I dont know if I want to tell anyone about it.

I dunno. I just have been feeling really alone lately I guess. I mean it feels like I have friends but they arent really there. Its like I am constantly surrounded by cardboard cut outs of people who used to be there. It seems like I put in all the effort with everyone. I always call people up to go out and I always plan the day and time and stuff. Its like my friends all put out their cardboard cut outs and then when I call them if they have nothing better to do then they go give their cut out a break and they actually go out wtih me.

With guys especially I'm getting this feeling. Even guys I've done nothing with it seems like they are busy unless they think they can get in your pants. And who knows the rhyme or reason behind the girls... I semi get the feeling that they either do the "when I'm bored" or even worse when they want to hang out and the first question they ask is if that cute guy friend of mine will be there. Makes a girl feel special huh?

I dunno I'm just gonna piss and mope about all of this for awhile because it really sucks. Maybe if I think long and hard enough about it I can fool myself into thinking I have friends that really care... I'm sure you guys do... dont get mad... just journal ranting here... but it really doesnt feel like friends lately.