kinkyrose1212
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2012 7 October :: 12.26am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Explosions in the Sky
Lack of sleep/stability
I called a crisis hotline for the first time till I could stop crying hysterically. I need to sleep on a regular basis again. And seek therapy. Maybe some meds, as much as I don't like the idea.
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kinkyrose1212
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2012 6 October :: 6.00am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Everything I can think of
Stuff
The point of last night's entry was to say I cut myself. And I liked it, as I always do. And I know and am glad that people care, but if they don't like it, I don't give a shit. I know it's unhealthy and fucked up, but it's my thing. It has been for 11 years. And I don't cut veins. I think I might have once, because I bled a lot and my hand started to go numb, but I wasn't trying to kill myself and I just applied pressure and held my hand over my head till it stopped. I've had to get stitches twice from it. I permanently fucked up two of my tattoos because of it ( one on purpose, the other not paying attention to location ). Granted, they are two tattoos I regret and plan to get covered up, but still. I totaled my last car because of it. My point is, I enjoy it and that's that. The most fucked up thing is that I don't just like it when I'm upset. I like it when I'm happy, too. And I don't do it all the time like I used to. Once in a while. The sad thing is that I did it so much over the years that back in February, when I was having a mental breakdown on 900mg of DXM I gave myself 50 cuts. FIFTY! I counted. And when they healed, you couldn't even tell a difference from before I'd done them. People used to tell me, " Don't do it; it leaves ugly scars. " First of all I'm thinking, " Yeah, no shit, don't you think I went in to this knowing that? " And now I'm thinking, " At this point, it doesn't make any difference whatsoever. " Anyway, today ( which for me means the last 14 or so hours because I didn't wake up until 4PM ) has been pretty cool. My mom took me out for Burger King, where at least THEY have popcorn chicken. KFC can suck my dick for getting rid of theirs. I made an appointment for a manicure and a pedicure. This will be my first pedicure EVER. I'm also getting my blonde highlights redone. I used to love getting actual color put in my hair, but these days I never do. It's not natural. Neither are blonde highlights, but I feel better about them for some reason. And since you're getting color taken out and not put in, you don't need special, expensive, designer shampoo. I found a great hall or previously smoked cigarettes. I know it's gross to some people, but when you're addicted, taking butts out of ashtrays isn't really a big deal. It's the only way to recycle in New Hampshire, anyway. They don't believe in that kind of thing out here. Later, I was looking for something in my room and I found this Mario themed wallet I had stolen from Wal-mart back in Mass. I've never used in all the months I've had it and it was too long for a pocket and I don't carry a purse anymore, so I really had no use for it. I remembered this waitress at Applebee's...to be continued.
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kinkyrose1212
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2012 5 October :: 1.57am
:: Mood: Self-destructive
:: Music: Dark/sad
Life sucks
So life has been up and down lately. Yes, some of this is due to the fact that I have been avoiding sleep, but also, other things. And not sleeping allows me to feel what I knew was inside but couldn't feel when I was sleeping. I slept a lot in the past few days, but not much in the days prior, and I didn't sleep last night and clearly haven't tonight. But on Saturday, my best friend Jessica came over. I hadn't seen her in literally nine years and we picked up right where we left off. We talked ALL day and a lot of the night. We went and walked around the city a bit. I saw her smoke a cigarette for the first time. It was cool to me because when you've been away from someone for so long you can't imagine the things they've done that you haven't been there for. Like when i found out she lost her virginity. Of course it happened, but it seemed unreal because we hadn't been in contact when it happened. We met a really nice homeless girl and I gave her all my change and four cigarettes. She was cool. Told me I was a sweetheart and asked for my name. I hope I see her again. Her boyfriend was sitting on a bench, wrapped in a white blanket, looking so desperate and hopeless. It was sad. I've been trying to get in touch with the local homeless shelter, Hundred Nights, to volunteer, but no one answers the phones or calls back. I suppose I will just have to go down there some night. My application has been sent to the Westover Job Corps. center in Chicopee and according to my admissions counselor, Ms. Byfield, the should be calling me soon. I've been calling them, too, but again, to no one answering phones or returning calls. They'd better get back to me before August or I'm fucked. I really want to do Job Corps. before college because of the age limit for Job Corps. and because then I can be trained as a CNA, youth counselor or whatever the hell they call it now, AND a day care teacher. From there, I'd like to study creative writing, psychology, and philosophy. I'd also like to take keyboard/piano lessons at some point, and some dance. Before I get my teaching license, though, I want to save up and move to Florida. That is where I belong. I applied for a job delivering newspapers, so hopefully I get it, but I won't find out until Oct. 15 at the earliest. I've been applying and looking for plenty of other jobs, but none of them want me, the douche bags. Oh well. The only reason I need money is for cigarettes. I almost prostituted myself to some 45 yr. old the other day. How sad is that? Anyway, last Wednesday my mom and I went to visit Goose and Corey and I just had this awful feeling of realization. I wasn't even visiting them; I was visiting hunks of stone with their names on them. Will up date later maybe, Tired as HELL!
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kinkyrose1212
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2012 27 September :: 1.19am
:: Mood: Amazed
:: Music: The Cure
WoW!!!
Alright, so to start with, I am a member of the Plenty of Fish dating website. My profile on there clearly states that I am looking for a long-term relationship and that I am not interested in hook ups. Naturally, the only guys who contact me being there conversations with " Wanna hook up? " and they don't give a damn at all about who I am as a person. I decided that I did in fact have an urge to have sex with a man, and it didn't really matter who, so I did the easy thing; posted an ad in the " casual encounters " section on CraigsList. I got TONS of replies! It was a nice self-esteem boost, I have to say, however shallow. But it was ironic because every single guy that responded and obviously KNEW I was just looking to hook up showed a lot more interest in me as a person than any of the dickheads on Plenty of Fish. I replied to every single person the responded to my add. Every single one. It was actually fun and interesting. One guy kind of stood out because he was looking to take me out to dinner and for drinks and get a hotel room and everything. But as I kept exchanging e-mails with him, I wasn't getting a strong impression that he had considerations for my personality. So I think I'm just going to ignore him because since he's not particularly respectable, the only way I could justify sleeping with him would be if he was good looking, and he isn't, at least not enough so. This other guy impressed me because he introduced himself very respectfully and was honest and reminded me of myself. We ended up talking back and forth quite a bit and at the very least I have made a cool friend. Whether we sleep together or not, it doesn't matter. The third guy, well, he is something special. In my ad, I had mentioned that " I'm looking for some NSA/FWB fun with attractive, respectable ( and respectful ) men between the ages of eighteen and thirty. You must be disease free ( I am, too ) and you must be single or at the very least not married. Please send a picture with your reply. I'd like to get to know you a little first and if I like you, maybe we can have some fun. I cannot travel and can only host at certain times. " So we e-mailed back and forth for a while, without exchanging pictures, and started to get to know each other. He asked if I am instant messaging because it is so much quicker so I gave him my screen name. I told him that I appreciated him taking the time to get to know me and let me get to know him. He said that it was what I had said I wanted and he respected my wishes. So we ended up chatting for four hours and when we felt comfortable enough with each other, THEN we exchanged pictures. I told him that I hoped it didn't alarm him when I said that I was very much looking forward to running my hands over his body ( we had already both contested that we were willing to hook up with the other ). He said he was looking forward to it, too. So after we finished chatting
( he had to go to bed ), I was overcome with the most amazing feeling. Even if this is not some lifetime commitment or if it doesn't turn into a long-term relationship ( which is very well might because he clearly stated that he'd like this to be an ongoing thing ), I am just blown away. I feel like a giddy school girl, like I want to dreamily doodle his name all over a notebook! I haven't felt this way in years. I didn't even remember what this felt like. But now I do. And I am very hopeful because this is the same way I felt about Corey in the earlier stages of our relationship. I am ecstatic just because this has renewed my faith that I CAN still have feelings like this with someone who isn't Corey! And very ironically, this guy plays the drums, too! He even kind of looks like Corey! Not in the same way that guy I was in my last psych ward with did, but in a way where it's a good reminder of Corey but obviously a completely different person, if you can grasp what I'm talking about. I was looking at his picture and as I was looking into his blue eyes I was just.....drawn in. He is beautiful. And actually nice. And smart. And interesting and interested! In ME!!! No matter what comes of this, this is a beautiful, beautiful and I'm even willing to say miraculous thing. I just feel so much lighter now. And after such a hard, emotional day, him and my two other awesome guy friends just really boosted me up and I didn't even notice at the time that I was being boosted! Even if I were to never speak to this man again, I will cherish this experience for the rest of my life. It was breath-taking.
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kinkyrose1212
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2012 20 September :: 3.03am
My life has been getting to the point where I've been preparing to cut myself, as well as kill myself. I am nothing but a fat, ugly, gross, worthless piece of shit. I am a complete waste of life and space. I wish suicide were easier. If I had a gun, I'd definitely shoot myself. When you research ways to commit suicide on the internet most sites tell you not to overdose on pills because it takes a long time, you can throw them up, etc. but despite the fact that they are talking about an illegal act, they never mention that you can just overdose on illegal drugs, like heroin. I wish I could just take so much DXM that I died because DXM was my thing for so long and I did almost die once. For me, DXM would just be the most fitting way to commit suicide, and the most logical, too, if I was still doing it on a regular basis. But, not having done it for months, if I tried to OD that badly, I would throw up which would defeat the whole purpose and if I built myself up to a lethal level over time, my parents would probably find out and I'd get kicked out before I had a chance to finish the job. If I was going to kill myself anyway it really wouldn't matter, but I don't want to die out on the streets, especially not in this fucking city which I loathe. It's not the city itself. Were I here on vacation, it would be really cool. But the fact that I didn't have much choice in living here and how when I moved out here it became so much clearer to me how pathetic my life is and how much of a fucking loser I am makes me despise this city. I've been trying to find a job, for a change, and so far it isn't working out. I'm trying to get into Job Corps. but God knows how long that will take. And if I can't stand that place, either, or if I get kicked out for some reason? What then? If I can't stand it, that's one thing. I'll make myself deal with it and at least I'll be occupied most of the time and working towards a career, even if I don't fucking want to do what I'm going for, it's just the best of all the bad options. And I'll tell myself that Job Corps. isn't forever, whereas here, in this hated house, I can only see the time stretching on and out. We all die, anyway, why not sooner rather than later? What kind of authority does another person have to tell me that life is worth living and there is shit to look forward to? Even if there is, what if I don't care? Because even if there is good, I will always have this underlying feeling of " What's the point if I'm going to die, anyway? Why should I bother? It's not going to amount to shit. "
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kinkyrose1212
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2012 18 September :: 1.09am
I'm really getting to a point in my life where it seems like it would make more sense for me to just take up DXM again and keep tripping until I can take enough so I die. I can't think of any other better way to kill myself that I'd be able to handle and if I take too much right at first I'll only throw it up. If I build it up over a few weeks, I'll be able to stomach everything I'd need to take to make my dream a reality. I have done nothing meaningful in my life, basically every friend I've ever had is gone, and I'm a worthless piece of shit. Why should I go on? When I would feel this way in high school my friends would tell me, " Oh, but there's so much to live for! Think of the future! " No one is saying that now and I don't believe it, anyway. If I could get my hands on heroin or methadone, I would take that. If I could get my hands on a gun, I would use it. There is no reason for me to live. I'm just a failure, a disappointment, and a piece of worthless trash.
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kinkyrose1212
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2012 11 September :: 3.52pm
:: Mood: Upset
:: Music: Purple Haze ( Saskrotch Remix )
Life and the lack thereof
Dear Corey, What the hell? We were supposed to tackle the world together. Why aren't you here to enjoy Sabrepulse with me? We could have had so much fun tripping to there music. Imagine the fun we could have had if you had been around when I got my savings bonds. We could have gone to Florida, gone anywhere together, instead of me going with the mentally unstable fucking assholes we love/loved so much. We could have fucking gone to Amsterdam together! You could have talked me into ANYTHING. I wouldn't be burdened by the loss of you and I'd still have faith in life and love. Now I think it might be just as well to stay single for the rest of my life because as much of an asshole as you were at times, I don't think I'll ever find anyone that compares to you, and at some times, I don't even want to try. Maybe it's a mental trap to think I can't be happy with anyone else. Maybe that's true. Maybe that's only true because it's what I believe. How can I believe anything different? Life is so lackluster without you and without drugs. People tell me I just have to move on and that shit happens and that everything happens for a reason. YOU used to tell me everything happens for a reason. I believed it until you died. What the hell purpose did that serve? Did it make me a stronger person? I don't know. I didn't shed a tear when I found out Gustavo hung himself, so maybe, but months later I cried about it while tripping and cutting the shit out of myself, so nothing was really helped or solved. The only thing your death did was make it so other things didn't seem so bad, but that didn't last long enough to matter. I am still fucking miserable. And while I don't fall into deep depressions thinking about you and I don't generally " brood, " to use a word my father loves so fucking much, as I said, I don't think I'll ever be truly happy without you because I am incomplete. It seems contradictory to say I want to kill myself to be with you sometimes when I've just said I don't fall into deep depressions, but I am not in a deep depression. I've been there and it doesn't feel like this. To me suicide seems like a sensible course of action. If I don't believe I can be happy, I never will be, and if I'm not going to have a fulfilling career and contribute to anything, including my own life, then why the hell would I live on? I'm just taking up space, wasting my existence, anyway. Since I was 11 I've been thinking about suicide and from the first time I thought, " Should I kill myself? " I haven't been able to stop questioning it. Susanna Kaysen said that she believed many people killed themselves just so they could stop wondering whether or not they were going to do it. I get that. I won't be happier than when I'm with you again or at least can escape the feeling of being just....gray. Love Always, Laura
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kinkyrose1212
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2012 4 August :: 10.12pm
You can all just kiss off into the air...
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kinkyrose1212
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2012 11 July :: 4.56pm
" I'm in love with Ryan Tucci. I'm literally IN LOVE with Ryan. I seriously think we're meant to be together; even his mom said that. "
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kinkyrose1212
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2012 11 July :: 4.41pm
I'm glad you have nothing better to do than sit around stoned and make fun of my on line journal. At least you have something to fill the void in your lives. Have fun smoking pot, try not to drink too much and fuck your lives up again. I say that with sincerity.
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