Him
Hi guys. I love everyone right now! I feel oh so dandy and happy, no im not high. Anyway, i now am super exited to go back to Chicago to see nick yayyayyayyay.I kinda lost touch with all my gril friends...oh well guys are always better! Well today I have that stupid ass interview thingy for Teco, and i so don't want to go. I'm 15ish im not supposed to work yet!!! Give me another year honestly!!!! Well i guess it could be good to actually have money every now and then, so i don't just mooch of the parents. I know more then half is going to cheerleading but i still get some. Wow, i must have super bored last night im looking at a paper with my name all over it in lipstick....what i will do for entertainment :sigh: Well peace out for now, see everyone tommorow night!

I have a super bad headache right now, it feels like im hung over. Im not but...yeah. Okay I think i made a huge deal over nothign last night. Brian and me were talking and he said somethign and it came out wrong but it kinda hurt. I mean, im not the most secure and self confident person in the world so things like that tend to sting a bit. I dunno i just take things so seriously, its just me being a dumbass i guess. Well anyway so i tried to apologize for beign mean or what not but he just kinda...i dunno. It was nonsene. I think im supposed to go to the beach tommorow with Linsey...yay! Thursday is the movies, my wonderful momsie said i could skip cheerleading thank gosh. I feel like im goign in a circle though. Its like nothings new, thats why i don't really liKe summer. It bores me way to easily. And then theres the whole chicago thing that im really dreading, i just don't want to have to deal with everythign there! I'm totally over the fact that I like ppl there, theres nothign i can do abou it! I just don't wanna see ppl becuase it might be hard to forget again, well life just sux in that aspect i guess. Oh well, everyone just chill and love summer! PEACE

Dream Place
Your face haunts my dreams, your hands around my waist. I forget but am always reminded. You forgot, left me alone. I moved on but now am dragged back to where it happened. What is this place I used to love, where are the memories that lingererd? Why has it changed, nothing is left. The changes make everythign darker, less of you there. I look all around for the shadow of you, us. I am lost all at once and found never again. I awake in my bed, my house. I close my eyes but you are gone, forgotten until the next dream.

I don't feel much like writing bu think I should. I don't want to go back to Chicago now, I don't know why. I feel like theres just a lot of shit I'm going to have to deal with. I don't want to hurt people or to get hurt. And it seems like whenever I go there thats exactly what happens. I know im probvably just beign paranoid but still theres that lingering feeling. I just want everythign to be normal again, even though I can't say when the last time that was. I want so much that i already have, its just not perfect enough. Gosh I am such a little brat, I don't know when that happened. Oh well, I will just always want what i already have and not realize it.

Poem
Let me love you let me hold you . Don't stop the world for me, I don't deserve anything from you. I wanted to be loved and you gave it to me but I didn't want you. I stand helplessly shaking from the cold i made myself. It never works out for me, I never get the point. I am lost in a cloud of death and loss. How is it I never loved you but you gave me your soul? I wanted to love you but made it impossible. Nothing wroks out, nothing, no one can change it. You tried, I falied. This wasn't meant to be, it never is for me. I hate myself for making beleive. I wanted it to much to let myself unfold. I wanted you but didn't know why. I lost everythign in myself. I stand smiling and slowly dying inside as you hold me tighter then I know.

Who?
I think i'm just a mold for everyone else......i am what you watn me to become. I have no opinioins of my own and I don't even knw wha tI want. No one sees th ereal me becuase it's lost inside of my facade, change me as you';d like. I wan tot please you but I don't try hard enough so you just have to make me inot whatever you'd dream the perfect frined, girlfreind, daughter woudl be. Does it matter that I don't know what to say when this happens? Do i even realize anymore that it is happening? The only thing tha thelps me is myself....you don't know me i don't even know myself. I won't bullshit about finding myself, i don't think i was ever there. Hel p me to reinvent the person I never was. I dress thsi way to help you I do these things to make you smile. What about me? What aobut wha tI htink or want? Do i know what i want? No. I want somone to lie near me and tell me what t think, but not to tell me how. I just want to dream my own dreams instead of his. Why do i feel this way? Why whywhywhywhywhywhywhy....it doesn't matter.

WHAT???
Hey ppl right now the coolest ppl ever are over hahaha Linsey and Carrie yayyyyy we went swimming and they're spending the night hehehe Anywho...ppl are annoying and bitchy!!! It's like omg so much omg liek omg annoying! Yeah not pointing any fingers er anyhting!!! HAHAAHA life is what you make of it and im making it fucking hilarious!@!!!!

Everyone
This goes out to everyone that's ever tried to help me...by saying they care to just opening a door for me. If people ever realized how much i depend on you it would floor them. I depend on all my freinds for comfort, strangers for small acts of kindness, family for love. I just feel that i ask so much and get so much in return that its all a dream. The real world can't be like this, that people care. To response to what everyone commented yesterday thank you so much for caring and actually putting it into words. That meant so much to me even though it was just a small gesture. I've just been kinda depressed lately and everthing sets me off, i dunno why but its been goin on for a while now. Thank you to everyone...for saying you love me even if I don't know if im ready to reply, to saying you care even if i might've liked you boyfreind, everyone. I just hope all you guys know how much i care for you and that without you my world would be and dark and dreary as it sometiems can be. Brian-I don't know if im ready to love anyone, but if i am i hope it would be you. I know this sucks for you but, im sorry for being so undecicive.