::
2004 31 December :: 2.05 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: stuck in a moment- u2
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....
im almost glad to say goodbye to 2004. it gives me an excuse to start over, and use all the stuff ive learned over the course of the year to make sure that 2005 is better than 2004. 2004 taught me a lot about myself, about people in general, and about life. this year, the summer in particular, i came out of my shell, and i started to feel out the way people work, and the way that i work- and i found out that everyone, even the least likely people, make mistakes. this was the first time that i SAW this flaw in people. i always knew it was there subconciously, but when i saw it happen to other people, when people did it to me, and when i saw this flaw come out in MYSELF unexpectedly, that was a big lesson to be learned. 2004 taught me about people: their flaws, their kryptonites, their strengths, and that it is human nature to make mistakes.
with every new year, i find that i have this epiphany about friends, when really, its the same one every time- but a re-realization in a way. with every new year i am reminded that no matter how many times i say "edgemont sucks", some of the people that are here, i would not be able to live without. for the past 11 years i was blessed with the sister i never had, who has been my other half since we were 5 years old. theres never a day that passes that i dont talk to steph, someone who pretends to listen to me whine about my problems, and someone who can make me laugh about them even when i feel im at my lowest low. then i have friends like hilary who understands me when no one else does and can always sympathize with what i feel like, and it helps to remind me that im not alone. and then i have friends like zack, who stays on the phone with me until 2:30 in the morning because im upset about something, just making sure i know that hes got my back no matter what, and that he doesnt want to see me hurt, along with throwing in some "i told you so"s "are u stupid? why dont u listen to me?"s and "say zack is god"s----but hey, thats the price u pay for friends as amazing and priceless as these. 2004 taught me about friends, and how when u find good ones, theyre there for you always.
i need to treat myself with more respect, and i need to learn to be less naiive about life and the way people are. i am a very naiive person when it comes to some things. i am a very hopeful person when it comes to many things. in 2004, i put my heart out on the table for a bunch of people that i thought i could trust. i was used 3 times. am i blind not to see it? or am i stupid and ignore it. i dont know, but i know that i have to learn to respect myself enough to figure it out and prevent it. heartbreak happens too much for me, and its no ones fault by my own. 2004 taught me self respect and heartbreak: how lack of one can lead to another and how both are ways to learn things about yourself that you didnt know before.
i have too much faith in the human race, i always seem to forget that not everyone has a good heart and morals. last week, i brought in chocolates to school for some of my teachers before the break, and went to go bring mrs. longo's to her at 3:00, but she wasnt there so i left them on her desk for the monday she came back. when i told my parents that i did this, they freaked out at me and called me stupid because they thought that the custodians were going to go and take them off her desk when they were cleaning. and at 5 o clock, they made me go back to the a building and get them to put in my locker. luckily for me, i was right and they were still there, but i realized with this that as you get older and experience more things, you get screwed over and lose your trust and hope in people. i wish this wouldnt happen, but i know it has to and wish it would already, so i could prevent myself from the disappointment and hurt that comes along with it. 2004 taught me that i still have a lot to learn.
to everyone who made 2004 what it was to me- thank you. to everyone in our little woohu community- you are my world, i love every one of you with all my heart, you keep me going with your advice, helping me to learn the things that ive learned this year. thanks for keepin me strong.
so with this entry, i bring a close to 2004, leaving behind the number, but bringing with me everything the year had to offer me, every lesson, every memory, every smile, every tear. TO A HAPPY AND HEALTHY 2005.
2 steps |
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
::
2004 23 December :: 7.31 pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: you cant stop the beat- hairspray sountrack
heres to self-rediscovery before the new year....or something like that.
for the last few days ive been in one of those blast from the past moods. im not exactly sure what brought it on, maybe the stress and the anxiously awaiting vacation, but ive been very- reflective this past week. in one of my attempts to study for euro my mind wandered and i opened up my bottom desk drawer full of old crap from elementary school. i emptied out the contents of the drawer onto my floor and looked at all the things, all of the memories of greenville. i had these little stories i wrote when i was in 3rd grade, this little doll thing i made for mr. solomons class and this little book of pictures that ellen binder and i drew in like 2nd grade in our attempts to make a brouchure for our "resort". i was rather artistically challenged to say the least, the people had upside down u's for noses and hands with four or six fingers- never five. i may have been mathematically challenged too, im not quite sure. but at the bottom of the drawer, i found my poetry anthology from mrs. jarosz's class in 6th grade and i looked through it. one of the assignments was to write a poem about ur "inside self and ur outside self", and as i was reading through it i realized that although stuff about us does change, the deep core and soul of who we are is unchangeable. i found that stuff in this poem continues to hold true still today for the most part, but that other things accumulate inside of you, shaping you as you go through life---but even with those things cant CHANGE the core of you.
Inside Out or Outside In by 6th grade Danielle Litoff
my inside self and my outside self are different as can be,
my outside self is nice and fun, shes smart, friendly and number one!
sometimes shes a copycat, shes always happy never sad,
shes always there to lend a hand, she never starts the trends or fads,
people know she loves to dance, she loves to talk and act,
but my inside is a whole different story, and thats a definite fact.
inside shes a coward, and shes kinda shy
the girl who wants to be brave and sure, shes afraid to be different 'cuz she thinks they'll laugh
because shes a little bit insecure
do people know she isnt brave, she isnt what she appears?
maybe she'll let go someday of her insecurity and her fears.
along with all those other epiphanies, i realized that since i wrote that poem, ive really come into my own. those insecurities and fears for the most part have gone away, something im endlessly proud of. i remember 6th grade danielle. she wasnt a person now that i really think about it, but she was slowly realizing this for herself. she was pretty much a borderline stephanie wannabe, and she knew it too. after 7th grade, i kind of, grew into my own person. its kind of interesting to reflect on how you've grown since elementary school, not necesarily how you've changed, because you're essentially always the same person, but just how you've developed since then, how much you've learned, how many experiences you've had since then, and to think how all these things shape you. its a little scary too.
last night i was still in blast from the past mode, so i decided to go through some of my really really old cds and i just listened to them. spice girls, hanson, old school no doubt, backstreet boys, mandy moore---i really had no music taste, but even to this day, i still love it all. it just reminds you of every good thing about being little.
SELF-REDISCOVERY test it out. i think you'll pleasantly surprise yourself with all the stuff you'd forgotten about that you used to think would stick with you forever. its good to have a refresher sometimes.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
anyway, in other news, vacation is officially here. im leaving for vermont tonight at 4---dont ask, crazy parents. ill be back on sunday, but for those of you who i wont get to speak to, have a VERY merry christmas, i love you all <3
1 step |
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
::
2004 18 December :: 2.58 pm
i stole gabis questionaire because her post inspired me to do this so i can look back on it and see the change in myself later on in my woohuing days----
† name - danielle
† piercings - ears
† tattoos - 0
† height - 5'6''
† shoe size - 8
† hair color - brown
† length - longggg
† siblings - none
LAST
† movie you went to see -- after the sunset <3
† movie you bought - shrek 2
† song you listened to - look what you've done- jet
† song that was stuck in your head - for the love of money- o'jays
† cd you bought -i buy songs, not cds, but the last song i would have to say was girls not grey by afi
† cd you listened to - ipod....
† person you've called - john
† person that's called you - john
† tv show you've watched - pimp my ride
DO ..
† you have a bf or gf - no
† you have a crush on someone - totally crushin
† you wish you could live somewhere else - thats tough, i think we all do sometimes, but i dont know if i would go as far as to say YES I WANT TO MOVE
† you think about suicide - never
† you want more piercings - yes, my carteledge
† you drink - nah
† you do drugs - nope
† you smoke - of course not
† you like roller coasters - u have to push me to get on one but once im on im in loveee
† you carry a donor card - nope, too young
FOR OR AGAINST ..
† long distance relationships - for
† teenage smoking - AGAINST
† premarital sex - for
† driving drunk - against
† gay/lesbian relationship - for, i just wrote my persuasive essay on this haha
† soap operas - i dont watch but i dont see y not
FAVORITE ..
† food - PASTAAA
† song - black balloon- goo goo dolls
† sports - skiing biatch
† drinks - diet coke with no ice and a slice of lime :)
† clothes - ones that accent your best features
† band/singer - thats a toughie....ill just say jack johnson and oasis so i have something to write here
† holiday - christmas----says the jew haha
† new nerdy saying - what the crap
NUMBER ..
† of times I have been in love? - possibly once, but i dont know
† of times I have had my heart broken? - too many for my liking
† of drugs taken illegally? - zippo
† of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? - i couldnt say
† of people I consider my enemies? - enemy? no one
† of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? - no idea, but its been in there a bunch of times
† of scars on my body? - too many to count---i used to fall alot as a kid haha
† of things in my past that I regret? - a lot of stuff, but everything happens for a reason and i think that everyone looks back on their past and says to themselves: "if i could do it again differently i would do this this and this...." every once in a while
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ..
† handsome/pretty - i guess i have a good self image
† funny - yeah but in a stupid way lol
† friendly --yes, very
† amusing - sometimes
† ugly - depends on the day
† loveable - yeah
† pessimistic - sometimes
† optimistic - sometimes
† dorky - i can be
† spell your first name back wards - elleinad
† the story behind your user name - my initials+kiss+hug+kiss+hug
+are you straight - yes
† where do you live - e-mont, ny
† four words that sum you up - understanding, sensitive, hopeless romantic, enthusiastic
DESCRIBE YOUR -
† wallet - grayish blue kipling wallet
† toothbrush - blue oral-b
† pillow cover - blue with flowerish things
† blanket - colorful
† coffee cup - i dont have oneee
† sunglasses - expensive titanium maui jims that my dad got for me since he used to sell them in his store and hes all concerned with having good sunglasses to "protect your eyes, but if u lose them i pry the eyes out of ur head"
† shoes - im a sneaker fiend
† CD in stereo right now - none
† what you are wearing now - PJ's
WHO or WHAT (was/is/are) -
† you wishing - lots
† after this - shower, watch tv
† something you're looking forward to in this upcoming month - new years, and skiing
† something that you are deathly afraid of - NEEDLES
† do you like candles - yes
† do you like hot wax - its fun to play with lol
† do you like incense - nah its too smelly
† do you like the taste of blood- noooooo
† do you believe in love - of course
† do you believe in soul mates - everyone's got one
† do you believe in love at first sight - yes
† do you believe in forgiveness - yes
† do you believe in God - couldnt tell you
† what do you want done with your body when you die - just a casket
† who is your worst enemy - my conscience
† if you could have any animal for a pet--a chocolate lab named lola
† what is the latest you've ever stayed up - 6
† what are 5 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to - nyc, san francisco and idk where else
† what are some of your favorite pig out foods - chips, ice cream, cookies, CHOCOLATE, u name it, i love it lol
† what's something that you wish people would understand - me
† what's something you wish you could understand better - why stuff happens
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
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2004 16 December :: 8.40 pm
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
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2004 7 December :: 8.01 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: sunday bloody sunday- u2
fun quiz cuz i got nothin better to doooo
|
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2004 28 November :: 6.36 pm
:: Mood: hurting
:: Music: nice to meet you anyway- gavin degraw
its amazing how something that barely exists can affect you so much. one minute, im sitting here, on a natural high, my heart absolutely soaring, and within one split second my heart deflated, the stupid smile wiped from my face, and i felt like i had just been punched in the stomach. that feeling of being...robbed of happiness. the feeling of having every hope that u ever had be snatched from your mind. when you have that knot in your stomach, and those tears in your eyes, but theres something blocking them from breaking through- and you cant quite get that knot to untangle itself, you just sit there, and time freezes in this freeze frame that captures every horrible aspect of the situation. the moment just lingers on, dragging out the pain and replaying the situation over and over again as if to make you suffer and intensify the problem. and you want to cry, u feel the tears building up inside of you, and you try so hard to make them well over, as a sigh of relief, to rid yourself of the situation through tears- but they wont come. and you just sit with this ache deep in the core of your body, and you question what this feeling is. and i can tell you. the feeling is heartbreak.
1 step |
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
::
2004 13 November :: 12.43 am
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: all that ive got- the used
ill be just fine, pretending im not, im far from lonely and its all that ive got.......
god, how i wish that were true. charlie, jimmy. jimmy, charlie. it never seems to end. before i really knew charlie, i decided that i liked him and i told him that i did. that was by far one of the stupider things ive done within the past few months. over the part few nights of sitting in my bed in a pitch black room in a state of contemplation, i've come to the conclusion that at this point in my life, my heart is at one of the most vulnerable states it has ever been in. before i went into the city last friday, i was absolutely determined to find soemone out of my selection of nicks friends, and out of this determination, as much as i hate to admit it, came this tide of desperation. jimmy was the only one out of nicks friends that i had met before, and all of the rest of them i was getting to know as the weeks led up to my visit to the city. i think that the fact that i didnt know charlie was tempting to me. the curiosity of getting to know him drew me in, and once nick convinced me that he was the one i was going to fall for, and explained to me that he was the chillest kid ever, i convinced myself that he was 'the one', and stupidly, letting my vulnerable heart lead the way, to some degreee, came out and told charlie that he was the one i wanted. what i didnt really know though, and came to learn, was that charlies chillness was the one thing that makes me think we're not for eachother. in talking to one of his good friends, i realized yet another thing that i look for subconciously in a guy. passion. while charlie is very very "chill", hes almost so chill that he shows no emotion at all. when i talk to him, i feel like i have nothing to say, because the reactions i get are "Oh" or "cool" or "yeah". it makes me feel like hes indifferent, and while i liked laid back people, i need someone who believes strongly about certain things, even if i dont agree with them. i do find, however, that i know someone who is one of the most passionate people, and interestingly enough, is passionate about the same things i am.
the most important thing i learned though, is that sometimes what youre looking for is right in front of your face, and sometimes, you just need to make a few mistakes before you realize what you could be passing up. i was looking through my past woohus before and i came across the one i wrote after my josh brower fiasco. in it i described my soul mate, someone i know that i cant look for because ill be cheating myself if im looking for someone that i wont find for a while, but i did realize that i found someone who posseses almost every one of the qualities i listed in that post, for this particular point in my life. last weekend, while i was babysitting, i was sitting online talking to jimmy, and all of a sudden, he just says: "i know this is awkward, but i know i i can tell you anything, and i have to let you know, so here it goes:" and he went on to tell me that he thinks im great and that he really really likes me. aside from the part where he really really likes me, he said that he felt that he could tell me anything. that made me smile so big that i looked like i slept with a hanger in my mouth the night before. i need that. i need to find someone that i can talk to for hours on end about the stupidest little nothings, or the hugest problems in our lives that are hard to share with people- and i found a certain level of comfort with jimmy that i havent found with someone in a really long time. i didnt have it with morgan and i most certainly didnt have it with mike or aaron. but jimmy will tell me how he feels about me, and to me that says something.
i know what i want. i know what i need to do, but because im so vulnerable, i told charlie last week that i liked him. and now, i cant take it back just like that. im struggling with where i need to go from here. do i do what makes me happy? or do i keep my word and give charlie a chance? why do i dig these endless holes of unkept promises and lies to make myself feel better? ive come to realize that i do this because i use these unfair tactics to create this surreal feeling of love that ive been lacking and searching for....but im getting sick of pretending. i want the real deal. but thats not even the issue anymore, because i have the chance to get it- the question is: how?
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
::
2004 10 November :: 10.22 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: here is gone
one of my hippie rants, but i need to get this off my chest
”see, when you and i hear about some misery out there, it might make us feel bad for a while, but it doesnt wreck our whole world. its like we have a built in protection around our hearts that keeps the pain from overwhelming us. but may, she doesnt have that. everything just comes into her- all the suffering out there-and she feels as if its happening to her. she cant tell the difference."
-The Secret Life of Bees, Sue Monk Kidd
today i was sitting in euro and we were learning about the enlightenment and all of the people who wrote significant documents of the time and stuff, and we came across this one called "common sense" by baron d'holbach. common sense: it seems so- easy. you would expect to read it and see that it was about a concept that would be easy to grasp...but as we read on, it was about something i have such strong feelings for, yet i am constantly challenged about.
"to annihilate religious prejudices it would be sufficient to show that what is inconceivable to man cannot be of any use to him. does it need, then, anything but simple common sense to percieve that a being most clearly irreconcilable with the notions of mankind, that a cause continually opposed to the effects attributed to him...."
after reading this today in euro, it reminded me of exactly why i feel this way, and it saddened me at the same time because all of the reasons that i felt this way resurfaced. tolerance. its funny how 9 little letters can form something so powerful- it seems so, simple, yet the world has yet to achieve it. religion, race, color. whatever the difference may be- thats exactly what it is. its a difference. and while we should all look past these differences, the harder some people try, it seems that the distinctions become bolder and clearer. this concept makes me feel depressed, and the quote that i opened with is how i feel right now. i feel like i could cry for the world. i feel like the burdens and problems of the world and the worlds people have been shot into my heart, and the intolerance and the hatred has just been killing me.
i know that so many people disagree with this, but i think that organized religion is stupid and hurtful. every religion thinks theyre superior to all of the rest of the religions, and once you have superiority issues (in anything, not only religion), you have fighting, and violence, and bloodshed. look at everything going on in the world now. the jews and the palestinians, iraq and the united states, as well as wars in the past, the holocaust, september 11th: it all comes down to one question
why can't we all just get along?
every second that i sit here and think about how our country is attempting to police the world right now, the one word that i think of is "superiority" and how bush has instilled that idea in the heads of many american people during his last term. we are not superior. there is no such thing as superior, and the fact that the united states has such a jaded mentality makes me almost ashamed to be an american- because to the rest of the world, we're all like that, and i wish i could show everyone that thinks we're wrong that not all of us are ignorant powerhungry non-compassionate people. we're all equal. its part of what we're supposed to stand for, and im finding that right now, we dont.
i hate living in a world where its constant competition, and not to sound beauty pagent cliche, but i wish there was world peace. and knowing that that is something that we can strive for for the rest of eternity, and never achieve is very- disappointing to me.
"we shall always see evil, imperfections, and follies resulting from a cause claimed to be full of goodness, perfections, and of wisdom"-d'holbach
2 steps |
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
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2004 8 November :: 4.12 pm
:: Mood: pensive
ive been holding off on writing an entry until i found a reason or had something to write about, but i found that i was dragging it out too long- so i'll just write. so basically heres what ive been up to lately.
on friday i went into the city to hang out with one of my best friends from fire island, nick, and some of his friends. i took the train in and met them all at grand central station, and on the way there i was nervous the entire time, which i thought was bizarre because nick and i were so close this summer, i had nothing to be nervous about. i swear that the minute i saw him standing there, all of this excitment got stirred up in my heart, and i jumped and hugged him so tight. just when i had started to distance myself from the "summer obsession", i was reminded of why it had been so hard for me to do so. i remembered all of the memories, smiles, tears, dilemmas, heartbreaks, problems and every other aspect of life that we shared during the summer...and realzied that the reason they were so special was because of just that: we shared them. what made you smile made me happy, what made you cry made tears well up in my eyes- thats just how close we became, and i was reminded of all those things just by having nick within my line of vision. i spent the night hanging out in the city with his friends, who over the past weeks through talking to them and then finally getting to hang out with them, came to love and enjoy the company of each of them. in one of them [who i had met before], i found an amazing, caring person, who loves to listen, loves to talk, and most of all, cares about me. we can talk about anything, from the most serious problems, to the stupidest little stories, but no matter what it is, i find that i can always count on him to listen. in another, i found the guy with the most beautiful eyes, and a potential love in the future- but we'll see how that works out. and in the last, i found a guy who knows how to entertain me anytime, or correct me, whatever the case may be. basically to sum it up, i made 3 great new friends this weekend, who are really great each in their own way, and if this year goes as planned, i hope that these friendships will grow, because i think that having these guys as friends in my life could be a really good thing for me- one of the best i could really ask for right now at this point in time.
in other news, today in school we were informed that mr. smith passed away last night due to pneumonia, as well as a variety of other ailments. although mr. smith didnt really touch any of the lives of the kids in my grade, specifically, i know that he has affected kids in the grades ahead of me, and it was a very sad day for edgemont as a result of that. despite the fact that he retired this year from his position as principal, it never really sank in that he was gone- and now hes NEVER coming back. our grade will never be named. it was so hard today seeing mrs. shirken cry. the ice woman, the shirkenator, showing emotion...thats when it felt the most real. they flew the flags of every nation above the breezeways today and flew the american flag at half staff. although i dont feel like ive lost mr. smith as a person, i feel like our grade has lost the chance to get to know him, because from what i gather, he affected the lives of so many kids that came before us. so, on behalf of the sophomores of 2004-2005, we will remain "the class without a name", but along with that title comes a certain sadness, at least to me, because your absence will weigh heavy on our hearts and no doubt, will affect our high school years.
5 steps |
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
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2004 3 November :: 3.53 pm
:: Mood: crushed
i still had a drop of hope left....
today is a day of mourning for the united states of america. george w. bush was elected president this afternoon, and this is one of the scariest moments i have ever lived through...honest to god. i have been on the verge of tears today at least 5 times, because i keep on feeling like at that moment that kerry pulled out of the race, all hope was lost of ever fixing this mess that bush created in his last 4 years in office. rather than feeling protected by my governemnt and the president, i feel like theyve put me and the country in harms way and feel in danger rather than in a state of saftey. im not going to get into this really as deeply as i feel i could, for the sake of my own sanity and as a way of preventing myself from reaching my breaking point...but id like to take a second to apologize to all of the people on behalf of the worst thing thats happened to america in a long time- "president" bush-that have been or will be hurt by his campaign. for every gay or lesbian person out there, im sorry. im sorry you have been denied the right to live as a "normal" human being would. you, just as every other person in the united states of america deserve the right to marriage, because nothing, not even the bible, should be able to come in the way of love. for every paralized person who couldve been saved by stem cell research, im sorry. and to every girl who has ever been raped or has had sex with a defective condom and ends up having an unwanted baby, im sorry.
well, it was your choice. another term full of "nucular weapons", "internetS", and more "groups of folks". america, welcome to the next four years.
1 step |
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
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2004 1 November :: 4.07 pm
:: Mood: anxious
ROCK THE VOTE 2004 BIATCHHHH
K*E*R*R*Y**E*D*W*A*R*D*S
ANYBODY BUT BUSH---CHOOSE OR LOSE
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
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2004 20 October :: 5.19 pm
:: Mood: appreciative
:: Music: bubble toes- jack johnson
before i begin this entry, i would just like to state for the record that this is not being written with malicious intenions since i know that this is a touchy subject for some people...
but rather as something for myself, so that when i look back on my year i have this entry to reflect upon my feelings at this time. no harm meant.
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today after 5th period, all of the peer leaders were signed out of school and met at the greenville church for a "getting to know you" meeting with the teachers that are involved in the program. we just sat around like always and talked about things that concern us, which i thought would be difficult with teachers other than peter present, but it wasnt. we went around the circle introducing ourselves and we each had to say one good thing about this year so far. and as everyone went around talking about "ive learned not to stress" and "i got 100% on this test" and "my sports team is kicking ass", the one thing that particularly came to my mind was how much i loved being there. so when it finally got around to me, i introduced myself and then said that one really good thing about this year for me was being able to participate in peer leadership. i just feel very privelaged to be part of a group of such great kids and i honestly enjoy every minute of discussion that we have in group every monday, and look forward to every meeting. i love being able to take part in group and discussions of serious topics that i believe in, and i feel that as the meetings continue to happen we grow closer and get to know the sides of people that otherwise wouldnt come out. i feel that ive found a home and a listening ear in peer leadership and i feel very fortunate to be part of something that i have so much passion for. i think its a great outlet for me, and i think its going to help make the rest of highschool awesome for me.
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
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2004 16 October :: 1.01 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
lately ive been attempting to sort out my emotions. i find that i feel like theyre all balled up inside, twisted around, all mixed in together, almost like a bunch of yarn that had been batted around by a kitten and is now a big knotty-mess, to the point where since i know that im feeling things, but i dont know what. im feeling bombarded by these emotions, and its making me crazy, i need to straighten them out....this is my attempt. i figured that i would use my heart as a sive, and try and empty out all of the petty, little emotional burdens, and find out what the meat of it really is, and this is what ive come up with::
this weekend i was supposed to go into the city to see morgan and hang out with him on his birthday. he told me that his parents wouldnt be home, so that means that we would have his empty apartment to ourselves for 3 or 4 hours, which usually, under normal circumstances would excite me...but for some reason, this time i wasnt thrilled. it was just kind of a statement that had no affect on me at all, which i didnt really take to mean anything, until later that day when i started feeling like, not only was i not excited by the fact that his parents wouldnt be there, but now i actually feel like i dont even know if i want to go. something between us just felt different to me, i couldnt put my finger on it, but the chemistry between us, just seemed to be...absent. this started to worry me, becaause i know that when i start to question wanting to hang out with my boyfriend, thats never a good sign. so later that night i was looking through some of our old conversations that my computer logged, and i noticed a recurring trend- every single one of them revolved around us hooking up. thats all we ever talked about- which says to me that thats all we ever had. for those of you that know me well, you know that i dont want a hookup, i want a relationship. i want a mind, i want emotions, and i want a heart....i dont want a pair of lips and emptyness. thats just not me. also throughout reading the conversations, i took note of the fact that at the end of every conversation, he would say i love you to me. this almost makes it worse because i know that hes saying it because he feels like he should, not because he wants to or actually does. that struck me as very "5th grade"....i felt like i grew out of that a long time ago, and that at this point, u stop throwing stuff around like that until u really mean it. that really bothered me too, and it made me think of when i was with taylor last spring and how when we said it to eachother, i felt like i meant it, and after meaning it, ur whole view on using the word love just...changes. i felt like i had finally started to gain back sight of what my entire "relationship" was, when the whole duration of it i had been blinded by the fact that i thought i liked him so much that i couldnt- and refused to- see all of this. of course, after untying that emotional knot, i still felt dissatisfied, i knew that there was more. i sat here and continued to contemplate my relationship with morgan, and thought of his flirting problem with my best friend victoria. when im not there [and sometimes even when i am], he constantly tackles her and tickles her and jumps all over her, and doesnt even take into account that im there, and if im not, that he has a girlfriend. it makes me uncomfortable, as well as victoria, because shes the victim of it and feels like shes betraying me by allowing him to do it to her. ive spoken to him about it before, and of course he says: "i was just tickling her. at least i didnt stick my tongue down her throat danielle, dont tell me i was flirting, u hooked up with my best friend." ---and i know that to some extent he has a point, but touching someone all over their body is flirting. just because its labeled tickling, when u think about whats actually happening, its rather sexual. and the fact that he feels he can get away with it, time after time that ive told him it bothers me, makes me crazy. aside from the flirting, ive recently come across an interesting tidbit of information that struck me hard. he has his friends cover up for him. they all talk to me and purposely bring him up and say "yeah he misses u, yeah hes thinking of u, ur his girlfriend blah blah blah...."- but they do it to make me feel good, not because he actually does. they do it to help him keep the relationship in tact. at this point, i shocked myself- usually that would devistate me, knowing that my relationship was a string of lies that that, but it didnt....it barely phased me. after realizing this, i figured out that whats dividing us is our maturity levels. he wants, and is satisfied with what we have, a hookup, something that doesnt really involve much emotional attachment, but is just a form of getting ass. i on the other hand have other desires. i dont want something empty, i want to be held by someone that actually enjoys JUST holding me. i dont want someone whos holding me in their arms so that way they can just hook up with me later. im not satisfied with that, and almost insulted by it, and im finally realizing how ive been. this summer i was just reassured of the things that i wanted, and that yes, even though ive been told time after time that i wont ever find them, theyre worth waiting for. this summer i had a series of hookups that meant nothing, which caused most of my friends to see me differently, to view me as had letting my morals go and just becoming a "regular" girl without any emotional attachment, and up until this point i had been blind and hadnt seen this. but after being through all of that, im finally realizing the importance of the way i actually am, or "was" as the case may be. i learned that i am incapable of being with someone that just wants me for ass, because in the end, it just crushes me when i realize what had been going on. the fact that i was so naiive this whole time, and now being able to understand how the world really works....how my heart needs to be cared for...was a very important transition this summer. i remember the night that i hooked up with aj [which most people viewed as an empty hook up, but now that i look back on it, it wasnt on my end] i connected with him so much that night, and when we were kissing, he held me very strongly to his body, and even if it wasn't an emotional thing for him, thats how i want to feel. i felt safe, and it made me feel- good, for lack of better words. i want to feel safe in the strong arms of someone. thats what i want. and now that ive been through all of this bull shit and run- around nothingness, ive realized that i once again will not settle for anything less. all of this experimenting that i did this year showed me that none of that will work for me, i need what i always felt i needed. im sick of trying to be something im not. im back to being me again, the same old danielle who yearns for real love and wants a meaningful relationship, and will not settle for anything less. im back, and there is no more questioning.
1 step |
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
::
2004 12 October :: 4.26 pm
:: Mood: sick
closing time, open all the doors and let you out into the world....
so this weekend we closed up the beach house. we packed up our belongings, tossed everything in boxes, stripped the beds, cleaned out every cabinet and emptied the refridgerator, and then locked the door, leaving the interior of the house looking sterile and unlived in. that weighed heavy on my heart, packing up and leaving that way. as i was going through my room putting stuff away, every little thing reminded me of something from my summer. it was like one of those cheesy movie scenes when u see like, a piece of paper and u smile at it and then have flashbacks. and then, after the memory would pass, i would put it away until the next summer. it came down to me not packing up the objects and material items, but it was me packing up my summer memories, helping me to let go. while my dad was finishing up around the house, i took a walk by myself up to the beach, i walked up the wooden steps and as felt the cold wind against my skin, and then finally came over the dune to come into view of the beach, that was when it really hit me that we were leaving....for the year. it just looked- cold. i dont exactly know how it could look that way, but the sand was whiter, the water was greener, the sky was paler...and the way that the wind bit at my nose, i just knew, that was it. the lifeguard shack was all boarded up, and the beach was inhabited only by seagullls. i finally gathered enough strength up inside of me to turn my back on the beach and walk back toward my house, which almost aided me to let go of the summer. i walked back down the sidewalk onto my deck where i found my dad putting the last bike inside to store it for the winter, and the closing and locking the door behind him. we loaded up the wagon and before we left the deck, he just sort of studied the house and then looked out at the sky for a second or two: "bye house". it was, hard, very hard. we started toward town to catch the boat and every house on the way there was deserted looking. all closed up, every flag, sign, chair, taken inside---they were all so dead looking, scattered with dead, fallen leaves at their bases. it was so depressed looking. and then we finally got to the boat where we departed, leaving behind our home, our memories, and our summers passed, until the spring when we return to open up again. i'm forcing myself to accept this weekend as the..."hybernation" of my summer, to help let it go, and accept the fact thats its over. i cant let myself hold on anymore, i need to help myself move on, and this was the closure that i needed. it was hard for me and unpleasant at that, but it was an ending, and i couldnt have asked for anything more.
so, this is goodbye, to the best summer i have ever known. until the next one, the memories ive accumulated will live with me always. ive put you in a cardboard box and sealed you up, preserving you with care and love. until next year, affectionately- danielle
"summer has come and passed, the innocent will never last, wake me up when september ends, like my fathers come to pass, seven years has gone so fast, wake me up when september ends, here comes the rain again, falling from the stars, drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are, as my memory rests, it never forgets what i lost, wake me up when september ends..."
2 steps |
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
::
2004 9 October :: 12.56 pm
:: Music: wake me up when september ends- greenday
so me.....SO me.
i'd dance 1000 steps for you... |
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