A Knight who says

A Knight who says

:: 2007 22 September :: 1.51am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: radiohead

8th grade...
....yeah 8th grade what was I smoking those days by the way? I just read those journal entries from then and they are pretty fucked up. Anway it's almost 2 in the morning so i better go to sleep

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chuckitatthewall

:: 2007 18 January :: 10.19pm

dude..i feel weird still writing in here. but my fucking hand is shaking like a mofo cause i just punched my damn bag cause hilary pissed me off like no other so i can't goddamn write in my paper journal.

fuck hilary. i'm so mad. i dont need people in my life who call me desperate. i'm not fucking desperate. all the shit with her is so fucked up and its cause of her. i dont fuck aroudn with her shit and her life. maybe she could return the favor and leave me the fuck alone. but why the fuck would she?? WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE?! everything is about me, is it? oh really?! fuck you. you're the fucking worst piece of shit ever. you've shown me your true colors you bitch. i'm not the bitch. i'm twice the friend you'll ever be cause youre so self absorbed. you can't be a good friend when the only person you care about is yourself. how fucking often to i talk about myself? seriously..i'll fucking count it if i have to. fuck you. i always ask about other people before i speak. take a god damn page out of the 7 habits book you fuck head. i dont deserve shit from you. i've done nothing but be there for you. and then i meet someone who makes me happy and who i enjoy being around who is not you and you fly off the goddamn handle. fuck that shit you fucking selfish bitch. you're such a fucked up dumbass. i would never fucking call you crying you dumb shit. youre the last person i'd apologize to because you dont deserve it. i fucking deserve it. i tried to tell you that i wanted to work things out and what hte fuck do you do? you fucking ignore me then write me the meanest letter i've ever gotten in my life. you remind me of my family and that despresses me. perhaps its because your dad is an alcoholic and so we have similar trends in our fucked up families. fuck you man. i dont give a shit about you anymore. if you think this of me then why the fuck do you even bother trying to communicate with you fucked up bitch with mental issues?! WHY DO YOU FUCKING DO IT?! give up. i dont want you in my god damn life and you dont want me in yours. you've made that quite clear. i'm gonna go be desperate and talk to joe now you mothr fucker. i truly dislike you in every possible way.

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loupgarou

:: 2007 15 January :: 1.43am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Can't Buy Me Love - Michael Bublé

Layout Change
Changed my layout. I had had the old one for years, so I decided to make an attempt at improving upon it.

It's pretty to look at. I am content.

I've changed a lot since this journal started. I'm really glad too, because reading back on my entries there are a lot that I am not too happy with. If that was the person that I was, I think that I may find that person annoying should I meet them on the streets. Then again I am sure that years from now I will look back on this and think the exact same thing .. but I hope not.

As for things lately, they've been kind of sucky. A bunch of things have decided to hit all at once. It's been a long time since we have had some decently-sized family problems, so I suppose I should have been expecting some. There I was anticipating the next big California-shaking earthquake when in reality it was creeping up behind me, and hitting much closer to home.
Not to mention finals. I've had no motivation to study lately. I don't know what I will do. I'll be so glad once these things are over. .. And then there is everyone asking me where I plan to go for college.

The answer is that I do not know. I most likely will not know for a while. The plan is to go someplace that is a few hours away - close enough to visit once in a while, yet far enough away to get me used to being away. But I don't know what I will do in the long run. What about Mema? I worry about her, and i'm attached to my family, so what am I supposed to do. What is something happens while I am away?

I don't know. I suppose now isn't the best time to think about all of this anyway.

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chuckitatthewall

:: 2006 27 November :: 7.30pm

i need a hug. i wish i could write in my paper journal but i'm tired and need to do my math homework so i'm down here writing on the computer.. yeah..so i dunno why i'm so sad. its just everything. grades and shit. mom and dad drinking is really bothering me so much. and i just dont know what to do with myself. i can't talk to anyone cause i feel like i'm bothering them and being selfish by talking about myself. so sometimes i slip and let a little out to a friend but then i'm like "dude..what the hell? let them get a word in. stop feeling so damn sorry for your fucking self. you're not the most important person in the world so listen for once." i guess i'd rather listen to other people for hours on end than talk about myself cause i know its boring. i do. who the fuck would want to listen about shitty my family is. they probably dont even think its that bad. i know that i think that way about some peoples 'problems". but you know..its all a matter of perspective and i always forget that. i'm too busy thinking that my problems are the goddamn worst when in reality i could be in a lot worse of a condition. fuck it. thats all i can think of to say.

holidays suck. i'm dreading christmas so bad. they're just a reminder of how fucked up everything is. how lonely i am. how much i miss monica. i miss her everyday. every damn day. every fucking day of my life i think about how much i wish she could be a fixture in my life. but she isnt. mom and dad are not allowing it. i only get to see her when mary is going over there. if it werent for mary..i'd never see her. it breaks my heart. i love her so much. i wish i could be in her life but i can't. fuck it.

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loupgarou

:: 2006 21 September :: 8.30pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep - Middle of the Road

Avast, yeh scurvy scuggs!
Once again another huge break between entries. It's been quite some time, old journal. And how might you be this evening? Fine? Glad to hear it. Please forgive me for my temporary neglect.

And now for - you guessed it!
Recent goings-on:

-The start if junior year of course. What is it like, ask you? Why, it is just like what everyone preceding me has said about it. It sucks. Do you know what it is like to have that nice feeling of being awake? Where someone can ask, "so who is tired," and you can feel pride in not raising your hand? I don't really know how that feels. I'm sure that most juniors in my class also have forgotten that feeling. I seemed to notice this decline of awakeness in the second semester of freshman year, and it has plummeted downhill from there.
Two religion classes in the same semester kind of sucks as well. Okay, it kind of sucks a lot. though luckily I have gotten a bit more used to my (insert shudder here) Women, Spirituality, and Creativity class, which is nice considering I couldn't stand it a weeks ago.
AP US History isn't too terrible, which is nice. I just think I take to Mr. Floyd a lot better than Ms. Burson, so that is a relief. It's nice not completely dreading that class every day.

-School play has started. It's called Red Scare on Sunset and takes place in the 50s. So far it seems like it is going to be pretty fun to do, and I hope that the people watching it will like it too. I know that it is an improvement upon our last Fall play at least, but that isn't saying much. The storyline for that one was very interesting, it just was not over all entertaining, and it was not very well prepared either. But this one had an early start, so chyaa. I play a guy named Frank, who is an alcoholic and semi-communist. Should be fun, though sometimes it is frustrating because i don't feel like I'm doing a very good job on it.

- My stomach has been kind of bothering me. At first I thought I was just overeating all the time for the past few days, but I'm beginning to think I'm bloating up or something like that, because it's not like I eat a huge amount of food during meals. Just thought i would write that down because I'm freakish.

- I was bullied into joining the Amnesty International Club today. Kind of ironic, hm? The whole human rights thing and then they guilt you into joining. It isn't like you can say, "Well, uh... you see, I... I'm just not into human rights. Screw children in India," because 1) That is a terrible thing to say (mostly the latter sentence). 2) It isn't really true. I happen to love children in India... and human rights are nice too.
I mean, you can't easily tell someone that you have better things to do than strive for human rights. Oh well. I'll give it a shot. And it's my friend who "bullied" me into it, so hopefully it won't be too terrible (then again it would make it more difficult not to show up, being that she is the president...)

My train of thought has been completely lost, and Mom is taking forever out of the house, so I can't discuss Renaissance Faire plans or watch any Grey's Antomy before ten o'clock because I have to wait until she gets home.
I'm getting frustrated with this Renaissance faire stuff. None of it seems to be working out, and I had been looking forward to going all this week. Next week I'm going to Oregon for the Shakespeare festival, so that limits the other number of weekends left until the Faire ends.

I sigh in exasperation.

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chuckitatthewall

:: 2006 17 September :: 8.45pm

I went to a birthday party for Rachel yesterday. It was in Santa Cruz. We spent the night. Simone was there. I hate Simone. She makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward and its so hard to be nice to her. I feel like she intentionally does stuff that she knows will piss me off. An example was when she rigged the twister game. If it was anyone else I wouldnt have cared but she was purposely out to get me. Fuck it. She pretends to like me, and me her but there is something between us that we both know exists and it makes being around each other very difficult. Arg. I really wish I could get along with her but some people are just not meant to be friends no matter how hard they try.

Another thing that kinda sucked was hilary. I like her by herself and with certain people but in large groups she sucks. She takes charge and commands attention like no other. She was wearing her bakini at the beach and her body just isnt meant for one but she kept drawing attention to herself saying stuff like "rub sunscreen on my back" blah blah blah. Its gross. Shes trying so hard to look appealing to dudes and half the stuff she does makes her seem repulsive. I wish I could tell her but I could never be that cruel. Shes so conceited too. It drives me crazy. She just always says "I looked so hot. I have good teeth. The dress looked amazing on me". I feel like saying "no, hilary, it didnt. you're chubby and its gross when you try to wear dresses liek that cause they just make it worse." or 'your hair is a fugly mess. nothing you do tames it." damn dude..I'm so mean. But i just gotta get it out of my system.

Hanging around those people just makes me so grateful for my other friends. I feel uncomfortable around them. If you dont do things just as they do then they're not that nice. God dude..I know i'm a little odd but not that much. I'm so scared that they're just gonna fucking make fun of me so bad when I'm not around. I truly just can't stand Simone mostly. The influence she has on everyone is just amazing. They just drop at her fucking feet like shes the fucking buddha reincarnate or somethin.g I dont get it. Shes rude, bitchy, selfish, whiny, and if things dont go the way she wants them to then the world ends. My goodness. I wish I had energy so I could punch the shit out of my bag right now. I'm gonna do that soon though. Its time. Its been almost 2 months since I've done it.

I'm so emo right now. I'm gonna go cry and listen to some depressing music for a while.

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chuckitatthewall

:: 6 13 August :: 10.47pm

uhh so basically, vacation is shit. louise went but jessica wasnt able to. it would have been a lot of fun with her and we missed her greatly. but she missed out on a really huge fight which was probably nice. fuck it. i was doing so well. not thinking about my problems and whatever ad now it just fucking sucks and i'm back to it again. i'm gonna call my counselor tomorrow and make an appointment. i dont care if i have to pay for it myself.

this summer sucked ass. i had to work the whole the time but i guess its worth it cause i'll be able to go to england. i just got one fucking week off and it was a shit week off. filled with anger. i have a problem though which is that i tend to dwell on the negative things in life. it probably wasnt all that bad but i just thought it was cause i dont look for the highlights. i need to work on that. fuck it. everyone i talk to tells me that in my family its going to get worse for me before it gets better. i'm not so excited about that. what does that mean. how can it get worse?? i'm gonna punch the shit out of my bag tomorrow cause its too late tonight. fuck it if my knuckles look like shit after that. sometimes in a sick way it feels good to hurt my knuckles. its like proof that things suck. like if my knuckles hurt, i have the right to be sad cause theres pain there and its real and concrete. i'm sick.

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chuckitatthewall

:: 2006 22 July :: 2.09pm

mary is moving out today and i'm really sad. i'm gonna be so bored and loney all the time. well not all the time. i'll just miss it during the school year when i know shes in her room working on stuff and i'm in mine working on stuff and i get bored and i can't go into her room and bother her. and at night if something is bothering me i won't be able to just go in her room and talk to her about it. or get hugs when i need them. i dont get along with my parents. at night, i can't talk to them cause they're always drinking. i wish i could spend time with them but it just doesnt happen. mary was my way of getting around them. i love her a lot and now shes gone. i have no idea how much i'll see her and that really scares me. what if its like monica who came home, moved her stuff out, and hasnt been back since. well shes been back but it was awkward and strange. shes no longer a real part of this family. this fucked up family. what if mary starts to feel that way too. then i'll never see her. i get my lisence in november..thats so long from now. actually, it really isnt but it seems like an eternity to me because i have no way of getting out this house without the assistance of someone else. i could ride my bike to her house and i'll probably end up doing that a lot. but san jose is so vast. i can't get to monica that easily cause she lives like 15 minutes away driving and even longer if i ride a bike. arg.

this whole nick thing sucks as well. nothing is gonna happen and i'm not taking it well. i just need to accept it. thats my biggest problem..i keep thinking that there is a chance when there isnt. i guess its cause this might be my only opportunity during high school. co ed school would have been a lot more convenient in that respect. but i like my school. god darn it. mary's new roommate has a brother my age..maybe that could work..i'm not expecting antyhing though cause i'll be disappointed if i do. fuck it. i'm feeling really depressed again and i'm not sure why. god damn it.

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chuckitatthewall

:: 2006 8 June :: 6.48pm

my sister is a dumbass. she fucking talks about sex all the time and then gets upset when my parents arent okay with it. does she think they're gonna be pleased?? 'yeah maureen..go ahead! have sex in our house". no..shes so fucked up. seriously. then she says this: maybe the reason why you dont' like me talking about is cuz you think your better than me...and your competing little self hates that i am older.

and blocks me after that . fuck it. i dont care that shes older! i'm perfectly fucking content being the last one besides that they've all almost moved out so i'm alone a lot. but thats alright i guess. shes such a dumbass. she always wants people to be jealous of her and when they aren't it pisses her off. i'm not jealous of her and her hideous boyfriend. i dont need a fucking boyfriend right now anyway. god damn her. i'm done

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loupgarou

:: 2006 7 June :: 1.47am
:: Music: He Mele No Lilo - Lilo & stitch

Summer
So, yeah, summer is not the most eventful thing ever, but I love it in some strange way. I've actually been quite accomplished in the time I have had of summer so far, so I don't feel like I'm completely useless. However there is the problem of yummy food in the house - that's always a dilemma in itself.

I watched Lilo and Stitch last night. I watched it again today. Now I'm listening to the music, and I want to watch it again, but it is too late and I have to be energized to bother my sister's friends tomorrow. Marilyn, I shall say hi to the McPeakster for you.

Right now Denise has her friend Melissa over. Denise treats me like I'm stupid because she is over. It doesn't make me feel very good. I know I did that to her when I was younger and had friends over though, so I guess I can't complain, but I do feel really dumb. At least with the guys that come over they are either stupid enough to think I am funny or I know them well enough to bug the hell out of them. I don't know Melissa that well. Oh well. Two sentences just ended in "well"

Eric Zheng is determined not to sleep a third of his life away like other humans, so he is still online. He was online at four last night. I can understand the whole not wasting your life thing, but spending the not-wasted time burning your eyes out in front of the computer screen ..... am I missing some sort of profound logic here? Not like I'm much better, really, but he seems to spend more time online than even me. I'm kind of sleepy, but I don't feel like sleeping.

So far I have seen two ants on my desk. I want to know how they got there so I can trace them back to the mothership and scold them harshly for their wrongdoing.

I just realized I have a Stitch bobble head doll on my desk.

Myspace is silly. Silly myspace. It's fine for keeping in touch with friends and stalking people, and if you really want to you can look like you know a lot of people that you don't, but it isn't good for much else. There is something about it that I despise and yet I still have one. I'm half sickened. The other half of me doesn't care. But I guess for those that don't have online journals, it is a good way to talk to people. why am I talking about Myspace? Shouldn't there be some sort of law against that on online journal communities?

You know something I don't know how to do on here? Make cuts. Like lj cuts, only for ... woohu.

Listening to Lilo and Stitch Hawaiian-ness makes me really want to go there.

I think the Discovery Channel is out to make me completely paranoid. It's always talking about volcanoes reloading and tidal waves killing people and huge earthquakes or asteroids that are going to come and crash into the Earth and kill everyone and everything in it - if not the whole world, then at least a good portion of it. I think Northern Europe is probably one of the safest places to live if one wants to avoid natural disasters. Maybe I will move there.... but I don't really want to. I mean, I want to go there, but I don't really think I want to actually live there. Not just yet anyway.

I'ver listened to this song 103 times. .. I mean, incase anyone happened to be thinking to themselves, "He Mele No Lilo ... I wonder how many times she has listened to that song...
I have just answered your deep and wonderous ponderings.

I kind of miss guys. I would like some guy friends. I would also like to live a long healthy life and raise a wonderful family and work for Disney while traveling all over the world and falling in love with a very handsome, sweet dude and marrying him (these are not in order), but I don't know if I'll get all of those.

I don't think we are going to the Grand Prix this year. And if we are, I don't know if we are going with my uncle and cousin, which means I don't know if that one guy will be coming, which means I will have to wait until probably January to see him, unless my aunt's birthday is before then. That's rather depressing. That and the fact that i don't know the guy's last name nor anything else about him besides he's nice to everyone around my family and puts up with a lot of crap that my aunt and cousin put him through.

Funny how things work that way, huh?

Hum dee dum
106 times now. I kind of want to do something creative, and yet I do not know what. Oh, the ponderings of life!

Mom's home.

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chuckitatthewall

:: 2006 14 May :: 8.42pm

i'm gonna keep it simple cause i'm pretty stupid.

hes hotttttttt but we have to be frieeeendss which sucks!!!! oh well. i'll get over it.

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chuckitatthewall

:: 2006 11 April :: 7.04pm

wow. 2 days in a row. i'm gonna write on paper but i need to finish my research paper therefore i'm not leaving the computer right now so i'll write in here again..

call me a whiner. fine. it sucks. my mom cancelled my counseling appointment again because i'm "sick" fuck that. i'm so mad. i really love going. its the only time that someone helps me. only me. selfish, yes. but i really love it. she helps me. i'm so sad right now and i really need to talk about some issues i'm having. i have to wait another week. goddamnit. my mom does this all the time. she has cancelled on me like 7 times and i only go every other week. why?! i want to go. i'm so sad right now. i need a hug. i need some serious time for me. time with people i love. i'm doing that thing where i cry almost every day. i havent done that in a couple months. fuck it.

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chuckitatthewall

:: 2006 10 April :: 7.35pm

I'm sad.
This weekend I was sick. I was stuck inside for 5 straight days. Mary went to Vegas and Maureen and Michelle were both at school. I never see Monica so she is out of the picture. I was home all by myself with mom and dad. It was so incredibly lonely and boring. It made me realize just how important my fucked up family is to me. i love them so much. Just sitting on the couch alone made me realize that if they were there at that moment I'd have someone to sit with and talk to when I couldnt move. Thats what family is about. I love them. Michelle was the only one tehre for me. She called me a lot and I talked to her for a couple of hours. That was so nice. I was so incredibly thankful.. I love my sisters. Mary is going to move out this summer and I'm dreading it. What will I do? Things are gonna be so boring at night. When I come home from school I like knowing I can talk to her when I need to. I feel like crying just thinking about. What if she doesnt visit very often? We hang out together..will we still do that once shes gone? I'm gonna have to find a lot of activities to get involved in to keep myself busy.. I'll miss her a lot. In my family it feels like if you move out then you stop beign a member of the family. Thats how it was with Monica. I dont want that again. I love my sisters.

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chuckitatthewall

:: 2006 30 March :: 9.21pm

I hate it so much when my dad drinks. Maureen and I went to get to icecream a few minutes ago. We came back and Mary had returned from her spinning class. She wanted some icecream so i scraped some off for her. Everything was fine except that my dad felt like he needed to be involved. God damn him. he is always looking for reasons to get mad at me or punish me. So Mary wanted some more and I told her I'd scrape it off for her and that she couldn't dig in to it cause I'm very strict about how I like my icecream to be eaten. I know thats really stupid and I should get over it but still. So my dad takes my icecream and hands it to Mary just cause he thinks its funny. Hes been trying to provoke me all night and something as stuipd as this did it. So I got mad cause it looked like Mary was trying to gouge my icecream so I started yelling at her not to. And then i chucked a spoon at her.

This is completely my fault. i know it is. I'm sorry. My dad just wanted to make me angry and he did it. The second I chucked the spoon at her he started yelling all these punishments at me. Fuck that. he was just waiting and i bit at the bait and now he has done it.

I'm stupid.

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