shiznit05
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2004 8 June :: 1.35pm
:: Mood: not quite sure
ready for a long one?
so the other day, i was off going to many grad parties, and any normal person would be off having a carefree day...nope, im a thinker
so i was thinking and i came to two conclusions, im pretty damn proud of these conclusions too, and the few people that i told them to seem impressed...yup im sweet
conclusion number 1:
teen romance is not for everyone. ive decided that its not for me. im not someone who can sit around crushing on a guy. i always end up befriending the guy, and then losing all interest i ever had in him. instead i make him into a friend, and someone i cant picture living without, but only as a friend, he becomes my turn to person. so i was thinking the other day, while i was seeing couples pretty much everywhere i turned, i was like hmm...who could i picture myself with? well the answer was no one. and im ok with that, because i dont want to lie to myself and make me believe i like someone when i really dont. so its easier when i realize that theres no one in BGHS thats meant for me. theres the saying that theres someone out there for everyone, well my someone isnt someone i know yet. so we'll see what college has for me. that or what some other schools have...haha
conclusion number 2:
i wanna hang out with abby and amy a lot more than i do!! dont get me wrong, i love the group of friends i have now more than anything, they are people that i know will always be around and will always listen, but the monotonous ways we have are becoming a detriment. im not the only one who sees this either. so the other night i was out at abbys, and i felt so at ease. there was no stress there was no awkwardness, it was fun, and its because i was with the people i had grown up with. all of my friends now are "townies". they dont fully understand what i mean by a good ol' country party...they have no way of understanding...well a few might, but thats likle 2 i can think of, and the one is a definite maybe, anyway, so im deciding that i want to hang out with them more...go out with their group of friends, befriend more people, meeting people from other schools, keep the friends i have now, but just take a step back for awhile. let me see things from a distance.
at times i think im too mature for my age, lately, with how ive been acting, i realize that maturity is comes and goes, because right now, im acting like a 4 year old with certain situations. i do the same thing with mike all the time and im doing it now to someone that im not meaning to...i try not to, really i do, but idk, its habit i guess, hes gotta know somethings up too...he knows me too well to not - hes not stupid. so take this as an apology, even though he doesnt read this...but its not something i can talk to him about, just give me time, let me do my thing for a bit, it'll pass within a few weeks, it always does...ask mike
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shiznit05
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2004 7 June :: 11.32pm
:: Mood: blank
schools out, its summer, watch me tremble with excitement
the last day of school was rather bland. it was the longest day ever, i went to spanish and listened to people give their presentations, then study hall where i just chatted and then 3 hours of american studies...it was soooo long!! we did a lot of nothing, just handing things in and getting things back, nothing too great, then school was out, and junior year was over, to celebrate, megan tara and i went roller blading, it was sweet
commencement was really nice, libby's speech was amazing, they were all great speeches, but hers really sticks out in my mind, then afterwards we went to broke in ians basement, i wasnt feeling too hot though, so i ended up leaving fairly early
saturday was crazy! 12 grad parties, they were all a lot of fun though, megan kelly carrie ali and i just loaded into the car and went, jackies was amazing, and abbys was the best time ever, megan and stram's was a lot of fun, kelly's, katie's and britts were cool, and carrs was a lot of fun with the falcons, Lukes was cute, so many family members, Ardys was similar, i got to ride a scooter at joels!! and gills house is absolutely amazing, Abbys was great though, good country party, i felt so at home, i had been at BG parties all day and to end the day with abbys where it was so comfortable and so much like the parties i had grown up going to...i was glowing, steive and megan could tell, i was happy there
sunday i met dani and robin down at polaris, did some shopping and bonding with them, i wont see them until niagra i believe, my mom and dad get to see them at Ti, which angers me, but oh well...at least i get to talk to them online...but we shopped, i got clothes i needed for my pics, so that was awesome...that night doug and amanda came out and we watched big fish..that was the 4th time i had attempted to watch that movie since i bought it and i was finally able to stay up during it!! its not a bad movie or anything, its actually a great movie, but i always try to watch it when im sleepy! oh well, it was a lot of fun
today was busy, i threw at 8 for about 45 minutes, then had breakfast with angie, sab meeting at 11, lunch, worked out for an hour and a half, then meeting at headleys, visited amanda at home, visited doug at work, then i came home and i slept for awhile...it was fun :)
tomorrows fairly relaxing though..i only have one meeting, so this is looking up haha
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shiznit05
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2004 3 June :: 3.21pm
:: Music: fastball was on the radio on the way home...that brought back some memories
1 more day!! 1 more day!! thats it!
one exam day down, one to go...i woke up this morning, got into the shower and when i got out my mom was on the phone talking to carol and i found out we had a 2 hour delay, which completely ruins all plans for going out tomorrow for breakfast, but i ggot an extra 90 minutes of sleep this morning, so it was ALL bad. went to school, wore my sweet tie-dye shirt ;) and went to band, it was dumb, i cleaned out my locker, and we played dumb songs for tomorrow night...after that i had to go take me chem exam, it wasnt bad at all. there were only a few that i had to really sit there and think about so thats a good sign, i finished with about 20 minutes to spare, so i took a nap. after that we had lunch, and megan amanda and i went down to see who all made madrigals, hodges made it which is awesome, and megan was really happy with the results, they really meant nothing to me, but its cool, after lunch i went and took the math exam, it was extremely easy, i barely used my cheat sheet, which is nice....
tomorrow i have spanish which we just watch presentations, i already did mine, so im basically just going to sleep...then study hall, yup, more sleeping, i dont think its worth it to leave really...then 3 hours of american studies! thats going to be torture! but we're eating ice cream, so yay
i just heard this song for the very first time and it made me laugh
Well I saw you with your hands above your head,
Spinning around, trying not to look down,
But you did, and you fell,
Hard
On the ground
Then you stumbled around for a good ten minutes,
And I said I've never seen anyone look so dumb before
And you laughed and said
“I still know how to turn you on though”
And you're the only one who
Drags me kickin and screamin through fast dreams
And you're the only one who
Knows exactly what I need
And I probably forgot to tell you this
Like the time when I forgot to tell you about the scar,
Remember how uncomfortable that made you feel?
See you're not what I expected,
But you're the only one who knows how to handle me,
And you're such a great kisser,
And I know that you agree
And you're the only one who
Drags me kickin and screamin through fast dreams
And you're the only one who
Knows exactly what I need
I hope you can forgive me for that time
When I put my hand between your legs and said it was small,
Cause it's really not at all
I guess there's just a part of me that likes to bring you down
Just to keep you around,
Cause the day that you realize how amazing you are
You're gonna leave me!
And you're the only one who
Holds my hair back when I'm drunk and get sick
And you're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean
And you're the only one who
Drags me kickin and screamin through fast dreams
And you're the only one who
Knows exactly what I need
Exactly what I need
Well I saw you with you hands above your head,
Spinning around, trying not to look down,
But you did, and you fell,
Hard
On the ground
its interesting...
thats it
let it
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shiznit05
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2004 2 June :: 6.14pm
:: Mood: could be better
interesting week so far...
sunday night i made a late night visit out to jackies house, she was in no shape to stay alone, and i would never have forgiven myself had i let her, so i went and stayed the night there, kept her mind of off things and chatted, stevie and doug came out for a bit too...adam and i also started talking again, its nice and confusing...we're so completely lost haha
next day we went into the lab, finished our movie, then off to band, the parades were the same as always, long. but the bus rides and lunch were entertaining, as long as you're surrounded by people that you like, any bad situation can be made ok. went back into the lab, finished the movie completely and then headed home to work on my spanish presentation...instead i slept..haha
tuesday...went to school, started commencement band, and did a lot of nothing. tim cam back and tie-dyed with us! it made me happy, he said he came in for me :) i love tim, im gonan miss him so much!
today we finished our shirts...i really like mine hehe, not to sound like im blowing my own horn or anything, but mine is sweet lol did more of nothing, but i saw bob!! i havent seen him since thurday before districts, so i finally got to tell him how well i threw and everything, he was happy for me. im going to miss him a lot too...stupid bob and tim having to graduate! grr
hmm, tonight i need to finish my cheat sheets...then i can do well on both of my exams tomorrow and then thats it...fridya is the biggest blow off day ever, just listening to presentations in spanish and turning things in in AS....and a study hall which i'll leave for...ahh..life is good right now :)
1 blow |
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shiznit05
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2004 30 May :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: im ok
ok, ive neglected this thing for long enough, its probably time for one of those entries that i just ramble in...
Pops concert went well, it was more fun than anything, normally by pops the band realizes that we dont care, so we just have fun with the performance, and headley doesnt care, so it was nice, thanx to everyone who came :)
the week at school was fairly boring, we dont do anything, its all redundant and at times nerving because it gets frustrating, it was odd however, not going to track, at the end of the day it was like well...i can stick around in the G4 or go home...this sucks
ive actually learned a lot in the past week though. ive learned that as hard as i try i cant please everyone. theres always someone out there that im going to piss off because i didnt think before i acted. but ive learned that i have to not care about it. if the person is going to get all hot and bothered because i neglected to do something or didnt follow through or just plain forgot then thats their problem. my only priority is making me happy and i havent done that in awhile, i let myself be too affected by other people that i just wasnt being me, as corny as it sounds, i dont give a shit
i also learned that im stronger than what i thought. i can deal with things better than i thought i would. honesty the past two weeks have been hell on my self esteem. it seemed like everyone was out there to point my flaws out to me. doug had a problem with me so both he and carmen felt the need to point it out in their journals, adam and i had a fight where he pointed out some things, jackie got pissed off and called me some names, it was just hard to take in the time span of a few days. but thats when the realization of me not being able to please everyone came into play. im not saying that im going with the motto of fuck everyone or anything, but im just saying, if i piss you off its not completely intentional, im just learning that i have to put myself before others and thats not the way ive been living my life up until now, so its kind of a shock to everyone else...but i had this talk with hodges, and he made some sense of it...its about time i put myself first
yesterday daron ian and i went to regionals, it was soo cool, there was so much talent there, i was in awe the entire time, we watched two girls break state records, and we saw some amazing shot putters...i talked to coach for a bit, he's got my goals lined up for me for the summer, we start that next monday...it should be interesting
last night we went to nelsons, girls and guys seperated, much like a junior high dance, ive got my theories on why that was, but im not going to say anything, because ive also learned that my mouth gets me into trouble quite often. after that amanda sara and i went to see shrek 2...it was cute, it was quite good, but not as good as the first, just because the first was amazing, and the second just followed suit.
today we edited, it went well, and tomorrow it should all be wrapped up, mainly because it has to be or we fail...
i talked to megan last night on the phone...we've kinda decided that our "group" needs to take like a week off from each other. life has become so complicated, not only for me, but for everyone. i think if we were to just take a step back, take a little breather, and then reunite we would be ok, because we would understand why we all were friends in the first place. i hate to say it, but lately ive been looking at people and not understanding why we're friends...ive done it with the oddest people too...like megan, we dont really have a lot in common, but i love the girl to death. but really, how did we become friends, its odd...shes so peppy and im not. but it works...and ian...we all know how much i love that kid, but at the same time, i go through phases of not understanding him and not liking him at all...its like aunt elaines saying...1 boys a boy, 2 boys half a boy, and 3 boys is no boy at all. at times i'll be talking to him and i wont understand why i once considered him my best friend, and then other times its like i cant picture myself not being his friend...idk, its just odd how people can have so many sides to them, and its just hard when one time theyre amazing and the next time you see them they've made a 180 and you want to run away and cry as a result
idk, my mind seems so full right now and i cant get anything out of it that really makes sense
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