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:: 2005 13 February :: 4.02pm

so.. ive been thinking and i dont know what i should think.. i dont knwo where there is to be discussed to be rejected to be learned i dont know at all im just living.. living day to day.. for once in my life ive started to live impulsively and suprisingly i feel great.. i mean i obviously make some mistakes as everybody does.. but these things that i do make me happy..physically im satisfied.. i mean i feel good in the presence of my friends.. things maybe are starting to sort out

i mean i dont want to jinks my relaxing stressfree period of time but im sorta happy..

hum.. well i miss kaitlin alot.. i only get to talk to her online but at least its something.. im gonna start drivers ed soon - so i can get all my classroom hours done before i need to get my permit and ill have it faster! my birthdays in 2 months and im going to my competition in a month :-[ im so afraid

ahhh..

well i gotta get back to cleaning..

- amanda

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 11 February :: 3.43pm

Jane says
'I've never been in love - no'
She don't know what it is
She only knows if someone wants her

'I only want 'em if they want me,...'
'I only know they want me...'

Jane says...

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 11 February :: 8.08am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

You Wreck Me....

Tonight we ride, right or wrong
Tonight we sail, on a radio song
Rescue me, should I go down
If I stay too long in trouble town

Oh, yeah, you wreck me, baby
You break me in two
But you move me, honey
Yes, you do

Now and again I get the feeling
Well if I don't win, I'm a gonna break even
Rescue me, should I go wrong
If I dig too deep, if I stay too long

Oh, yeah, you wreck me, baby
You break me in two
But you move me, honey
Yes, you do

I'll be the boy in the corduroy pants
You be the girl at the high school dance
Run with me, wherever I go
Just play dumb, whatever you know

Oh, yeah, you wreck me, baby
You break me in two
But you move me, honey
Yes, you do

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 9 February :: 10.40pm

Baby, I like it when it feels this good
You always seem to make me smile
Can't nobody do what you do
When you love me just a little while

I, I know you got somewhere to go
And I got somewhere to be right now
I'll make 'em wait all day long
If you wanna get a little wild

I dont want to be a distraction to you
No no no
So maybe I'll just lay around
Play by myself
While touching on my favorite fruit
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Can't stop thinking bout the things we do
And how it feels making love to you
I'm ready to get it baby
If you got it do it then shout
Just love me for a little while

I wanna make it like a dream for you
Turn every fantasy into the truth
You know I'll take it anywhere
That you wanna go right now
Just to love ya for a little while

I, I like sleeping in your clothes
To smell you makes it all come down
When I think about me and you
Sometimes I get a little loud

Baby, I know we did it all night long
And I didn't wanna burn you out
Cause you know how much I like to do it
In the morning it's another round

I don't know if you have other things to do
No no no
So maybe I'll just lay around
Play by myself
While touching on my favorite fruit
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Can't stop thinking bout the things we do
And how it feels making love to you
I'm ready to get it baby
If you got it do it then shout
Just love me for a little while

I wanna make it like a dream for you
And turn every fantasy into the truth
You know I'll take it anywhere
That you wanna go right now
Just love ya for a little while

My passion flows like a river that has no end
I wanna know everything you'll let me do to you
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

tell me what you like baby
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Do you wanna play with my strawberries
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Sometimes I think about me and you
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
I can get real loud (Ooh ooh ooh ooh)

--

you stare into my eyes in such a daydream
visions of the world for you and me
i feel you touch my cool hips
ive begun to feel like im a feind

the tempurature is rising in my body
temptation pulls the threads upon my chest
ive had you plenty times before,
but i keep coming back for more
could it be for me you are the best?

smoke my love
burn me black
touch my tounge
and love me back
im ready now
to feel it all
so deep inside
dont ever turn back

asdbhsajfdjgsjgkfsg i cant think

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 9 February :: 6.33am

"and you know that i want you.. and you know that i need you..."

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 8 February :: 8.28pm
:: Music: FrankieJ ft. BabyBash-Obsession

2-7-05
Change is inevitable.

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 6 February :: 10.24am

No matter where I am, no matter what I do
I'm always coming back home to you
If only I had known what you already knew
I'm always coming back home to you

---

i look at me and i cant help but see
a little bit of you in all i am
it took a lonely road to get me here
i walked it by myself i had no fears
you broke me in, made me your own
i played it cool in the summer wind
we tempted love with truth or dares
which never turned out to be fair enough

(chorus)
because when autum came, it was our end
i was alone, once again
you took me there and back again
it took me oh so long
took me far too long to realize
i shouldnt let you run my life
but every step was all for you
id wake up early to look good for you
your the curl in my hair the hop in my step
someday youll realize, what you havent yet

baby i am still here though your walking away
i guess youll never realize
that this is all for you,
everything i do, is just to make your paradise
im lost in your eyes, im wearing my disguise
and all i can do is feel pain
this empty world, i want no part in
i will die when you walk away

(chorus)

bleed me beat me a thousand times
and youll still see me running back to you
cuz without you i wouldnt know who i am
or what i am supposped to do
you caught in your venomous kiss,
im sick and i am dying
maybe someday youll look in my eyes
and behind the lies then youll find that i.. (i love you)

(chorus)

im sorry that im not what you wanted
im sorry im not good enough
im sorry that i feel too much
im sorry that ive fallen...

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 5 February :: 11.14am

its been a while since ive updated.. not much exciting has really happened except for the fact that my baby goncha is home!!!

nothing much else to interest all of you who actually read this

comment ;-)

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 2 February :: 3.52pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Ive Loved These Days- Billy Joel

Life and Such

Jewster. its the new LJ, the new obsession with the jews. Its fun, its insanity according to matt. haha, so true though.

Anyways, wheph havent updated this thing in so long...I mean, Yes things have been crazy but whatever, its back to updates now. So report cards came home monday, that suckked. :o( I was really worried my parents wouldn't let me go this weekend, but I AM ALLOWED TO GO. Woohoo get pumped for one big oneg. For starters, its Gavin Degraw's birthday and umm guess whos throwing him a party? MC AND I! yayyy! and then its a 1 night 4 balls fest whoot whoot to carrie allie marla and jodi. whoooohoooo!

anyways, phone time with my lover em berk so im out and ill holler at this thing later. PEACE GANGSTERRRS!

"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone."- Jen's LJ

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 31 January :: 6.00pm
:: Music: word up - keller williams

for everyone to read
sometimes it amazes me how different things are, how i can look into the mirror and see years that have passed in my eyes. glazed over with distrust for everyone. my heart filled with hundreds of people who have so lightly dusted my life with memories. even if only for short while, i want you all to know that i love you. whether or not i hate you now or if we left eachother on the wrong foot, you have held a purpose in my life, you have helped me mold who i am. and for that i am thankful. if i have just recently met you or never spoken a word to you in my lifetime there is always tomorrow. their is always a chance to change things. no matter how permanent we make life seem. there is always a way to set things right, and in a certain situation involving someone who used to be my best friend, i can tell you that i do feel sorry time to time that we had to end on the note we did. as a matter of fact i do feel sorry for ending at all. but life is crazy and as much as i would like to be comforting you in all the pain ive read your feeling in your journal, (yes thats right, i read your journal) i cant, because i think thats exactly what you needed to learn before i spoke to you again. you needed to learn to be dependant and to cope with the occurances in your life on your own. and what i needed to learn was that i needed to grow up some more, that i needed to broaden my horizons and extend my friends. it saddens me to look back on all weve done, and know that i wont share many memories with you or with other friends ive lost along the way. but i have also met some really great people this year. people i never would have expected to have liked. and i guess me losing you helped me to learn a lesson in my life. and that lesson is not to judge. the odds of you reading this or anyone else are slim to none but i guess it somehow cleans my soul to know its off my chest. to know that these words have been expressed and not held so tightly in my brain. like the rotation of the earth, some things are destined to always stay the same. to repeat until the end of time itself, or at least until my time has come. after going through a hard time in my life, and knowing what its like to want to die, to taste death, to play with it. i have realized how precious life is. and how selfish i was for ever pressing that blade against my wrist. for causing the ones i loved around me to feel the same pain i was. i guess, in the end none of this will matter. i guess well all go on our separate ways they say. and meet new people, and new experiences will pull us like an undertoe into a whole new world. so if i never see you again after this day, after a glance in the hallway, after a dirty look, after a wedding reception, a graduation or 10 year reunion, i would like you to know that i have always been sincere and have always held you close to my heart...

you turn me on you turn me on you have to know
you turn me on the girl is gone so come on lets go..

BlckTangldHrt35x: when ulook at ur kitty do you remmeber what he used to look like
BlckTangldHrt35x: rather than seeing a rag
CocoPuff0210: i can see him exaclty how he was when i opend what he was in
CocoPuff0210: but i see him as the rag to
CocoPuff0210: but it doesnt matter what he lloks like lol cuz hes the only thing i have had forever
BlckTangldHrt35x: awwww lmao like cuz i was thinking and obv when u look at someone.. u see and remember how they used to be
BlckTangldHrt35x: and thats what makes you love them u know
BlckTangldHrt35x: u dont just see how someone or something is
BlckTangldHrt35x: you see everything that happened in the past and thats what makes you love someone

We weren�t in love, oh no, far from it
We weren�t searchin� for some pie in the sky summit
We were just young and restless and bored
Livin� by the sword
And we�d steal away every chance we could
To the backroom, to the alley or the trusty woods
I used her, she used me
But neither one cared
We were gettin� our share
Workin� on our night moves
Tryin� to lose the awkward teenage blues
Workin� on our night moves
And it was summertime

5 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 31 January :: 6.37am

i went to the movies yesterday to see hide and seek it was good but there were too many loose ends that werent tied together at the end. i saw it with sarah stephy anna and lizzy :-) and then we went downtown and picked up krissy!! i miss her sooo muchhhhhhh and then we bought some goodness and went for a cruise ;-)

silver rain cascades
down my window panes
and into these eyes of mine
reflecting each cold memory
that you ripped from me
they fill my cup a half way up
until im seeing blue
head deep in thoughts of you
i dreamt a dream of you again
for the second night in a row
im spewing thoughts like the record player
blasting right next door
the mumbling words still wrap me up
so tight in thoughts of you
in illusions of all you do
my focus bounces like a ball off the wall
and into the other room
into another realm of history
of you and me, into a dream
im slipping slow, through these miles of snow
blurring every move
kiss me once and take me back
reject my heart, im branded black
im lost in here, with you inside of me
sweat still drips from my finger tips
Weve only just begun
im hypnotized by the light in your eyes
distracting me
as the silver rain cascades
down my window panes
into these eyes of mine

--

again im stuck in the same trap
high off several hits of you
breath me in or let me drown
its all i ask of you
my heart grows heavier each day
as i find myself more attatched
one of these youll see that
there aint no turning back

--

im dreaming about you again
chesnut eyes reflect in mine
a vision of me and you
wont you retire your old ways
wont you lie down now right next to me
and whisper sweet nothings
like we did before
when you were in love with me
all i want is all ive ever wanted
ambitions never change
wish youd let go, give up the past
ive always wanted you just the same

just some poetry ;-)

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 28 January :: 5.58pm

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down
And I know you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

But I know I'm on a losing streak
'Cause I passed down by old street
And if you wanna show, just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

So baby, Woh- if heaven calls, I'm coming too
Just like you said you leave my life, I'm better off dead

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down

The drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

So baby, Woh- if heaven calls, I'm coming too
And like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

But if you wanna show, just let me know
And now I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But now I know I'll see your face again
Yeah- I know I'll see your face again
Yeah- I know I'll see your face again
Oh- now
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Never coming down, Never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more, no more
Never coming down, never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
Oh- now
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 28 January :: 4.03pm

what you dont understand is i dont love dad. why would i want to do something for someone who didnt ever want to do anything for me until you left? he never knew me or wanted to know me when we were growing up. i never did anything with him. i cant just suddenly love someone. i never did love him. kaitlin just always hogged you, so i would butter up dad just so someone would love me. and thats why kaitlin and i always fought. we fought for your attention. and when you left we both felt the same hurt. dads not genuwine he doesnt know me. hes never known me. he was never there, you were. and thats why this is so hard for me. because im stuck in this house with a complete stranger. and i will not tell him anything because he doesnt know me, i dont trust him. i trusted you. and then you just left. dad is self centered and complains all the time who the hell wants to do anything for someone who always complains at how the jobs done or when i tell him i got a 85 on my mid term rather than saying "great job" says "oh i was hoping youd get an a" what kind of parent says that? makes me feel not good enough i didnt do a good enough job for him. things like that make you not wanna try anymore. and yes i remember not speaking to you. when you tried to talk to us you told me that you were moving to florida for a couple months i didnt even know you and dad were getting a divorce. i figured youd be home again. and you never came. i didnt speak to you because i couldnt. because it hurt me to much. it made me angry i wasnt important enough to stay here for. i guess it is my fault you left. if i had been a better daughter, if i had told you i cared about you would you be here? you say come move down here, but i cant do that. i cant give up my friends. why cant you move here? my cant mel move with you if he means that much to you. if he loves you that much. dont you think hed do it for you. for me? i cant handle this much pain. and im sorry if i sound like im whining and complaining but this is how i feel. and i cant call you and tell you how i feel with dad on the fone cuz i dont want him to know. i dont like him hes not a good person. he doesnt like anything i do. he doesnt respect music, writing anything. hes a shallow minded person and i cant connect to someone like that.

i dont know what else to do or say.. i just dont wanna cry anymore...

the only reason i can write the way i do, is because i have so much pain i need to express...if it werent for writing i wouldnt be alive. i would have been in the hospital just like kaitlin. there wasnt a day that i didnt think about ending it all because the pain and deciet was all too much to handle. the relationship isnt all about money either, its just that dad really doesnt give me any money he bitches and moans when i ask for lunch money. i would appreciate it if you did send me money for lunch.. im sorry im such a weak person, and im sorry i cant handle this and im sorry im not the daughter you wanted to have. im sorry im not kaitlin who can hide her pain when she talks to you. i cant do that. i cant be anything else then what i am. and i cant help that i dont trust anyone with my emotions anymore.

i cant write anymore because i just keep crying and its friday i shouldnt be crying.

- amanda

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 26 January :: 11.35pm

im not having a great day..

well i trudged through the snow with lizzy and pat to jimmis and hung out with them and dana and got happy

but now here i sit in the worst mood ever

i dont want to talk to anyone i feel like everyone is fake that everyone is oing to lie to me

i dont know what my problem is
and i dont know what to do

somebody really likes me.. and i like them i just dont know if im ready for something that requires so much expected from me

im crazy...

Well, I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it,
and I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you,
but in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
underneath the guise of a smile.
Gradually, I'm dying inside.

Friends ask me how I feel,
and I lie convincingly,
'cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering,
so I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night,
and turn down all the lights,
and then I break down and cry

4 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 25 January :: 10.09pm
:: Music: Sublime- "Garden Grove"

hello...

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 20 January :: 10.43pm

im so excited im really finishing my basement!!!!!!!

i got to talk to joe tonight for llike 45 minutes im so happyi felt like i was never gonna see or talk to him again cuz it had been so long but im glad that he randomly thought of me and decided to call its been far too long

im looking for a site with cheap psychedelic tapestries if you know anywhere let me know

ill update later

3 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 19 January :: 11.35pm

How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ohoo
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
'Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do
and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
'cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
Its the chance I've got to take, oh, oho

Just take a look at me now

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 18 January :: 9.45pm

mom-

i cant stand dad. i really hate him and when i talk to my friends about it they dont believe that i hate him.. but i can honestly say that i hate him. you dont know how many times i just wished it was him that left me. because i know my life would have been completely unchanged. just because i am emailing you doesnt mean that im over this or am comfortable talking to you. its just that i have nobody here now that kaitlins gone. i just dont know what else i can do. im sick of feeling like this. im sick of crying all the time.. im sick of it all. this isnt how a teenage girl is supposed to be feeling. and i sit here now crying my eyes out blasting my music feeling like nobody knows me. you know why you leaving hurt so bad? because you always told me you never would. i never expected you to leave me. to leave us. to move to florida... when you know that mel would NEVER move to natick just to be with you. you cant possibly begin to fathom the amount of pain i feel and carry with me everyday. nobody can because i never show anybody. im always happy, on the outside. im pretty good at hiding how i feel so nobody ever puts me on the spot. so i never have a chance to let anybody down. i help people constantly because it makes me happy. if i cant make myself happy i might as well do something for everyone else.. i dont know what the hell the point of this email is just cnat keep this shit inside anymore. and im sick of living in this house with a total stranger with someone who was never there for me. i just wish that youd come back and im stupid for thinking you ever would because if your not here for me now when i need you. you never will be so i should just move on but the fact is i cant i cant get on with my life when all of this is whats dragging me down. im depressed all of the time. everyday i sit down and cry and write and just pray to god that tomorrow will be better.. and it never is it never will be and im getting tired of waiting for things to go my way..

im sick of this.

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 18 January :: 7.27pm

random lyrics from third eye blind
i love third eye blind... theses are some of the quotes that i love the most... lol random but hey i like them...

And there's a memory of a window, Looking through I see you.
Searching for something, I could never give you,
There's someone who understands you more than I do.
A sadness I can't erase. All alone on your face.
... my favorite

When I came to visit you,
That's when I knew, That I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still I'm the one who's stupid,
And there's this burning, Like there's always been,
I've never been so alone, And I've never been so alive
The surface is everything, but I could never do that,
Someone would see through that.
And this is the last time, We'll be friends again.
I'll get over you, you'll wonder, who I am.
And there's this burning, Just like there's always been,
I've never been so alone, I've never been so alive...

Hey, will you stay a while.
My smile will not mislead you,
Cause I've been alone, my faith turned to stone,
Still there's something in you, that I believe in,
Close to your pierce,
I go wild and fierce,
Still I let you be,
I feel you next to me,
'Cause outside I feel,
A wind it starts to blow,
I'm taken in your undertow.
Everything is fine I'm lonely all the time,
Cause All I want to do is be there for the things that you're going through,
Well is it good for you,
Is it good for you.
Cause you haunt my nights when I don't know where my life should go,
Well is it good for you,
Is it good for you.

Hey, child please stay awhile.
My smile will not mislead you.
Cause I've been without.
I go wild with doubt,
I grab at you,
I can't stop grabbing at you,
Cause I feel you cross my mind in disarray, intoxicated ricochet,
There's nothing wrong,
just don't take too long,....

When you left, I felt the drop like a boom
Wintertime all alone in your bedroom
I don't blame you, and I know I'm not your friend
How we living, young American
I guess I've always known
I'd be on my own, I'd be on my own
And I don't know why, I don't know why
I don't know why...

yea...

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 17 January :: 1.59pm

i'm just a nomad but would you listen to my story? would you think me crazy if i asked you for some spare change? for a lighter? for a place to stay on the night of the winters first frost? would you walk away from me if i told you i was crazy? what would you say if i told you the key to the world. the key to happiness, if i told you their was a doorway to paradise would you believe me? or would you call me a liar and spit in my face? were all liars in the world today. writing is a form of a lie. writing is a form of expression, its a way of letting out all of the things we wish we could say but never have the courage to. so many people would keep all those thoughts in their heads, but people like me, we have too many thoughts. too many thoughts to keep them all bottled up, if we did theyd overwhelm us, like they do when i debate myself in the quiet of my room. listening to the wind erode my window pane, trying my hardest to get to sleep. deep in this thought is a person searching for reason, for logic in everyday situations. searching for flaws in herself. when really there is no explanation. a person of my circumstances would feel unable to meet the requirements shes set for everyone else in her semipermiable world. shes made it so only those worthy of her presence will reep its benefits. she schemes her way through life analyzing everybody elses flaws, making sure never to make their mistakes. and this writing, this discription of reality so twisted and ever changing like smoke lingering in a stagnant room is her freedom. its her voice, her forte if you will. the release of all the emotions shed secretly wished to expose. but with this writing she can mask whats real, she has no chance to be rejected or thought of as wrong, because this writing is expression. this writing is the slit in her wrist, this writing is the reason she's still alive. its the sweat in her pores and every thought oozing from her intoxicated brain. she can detatch herself from the world when writing of love and lust, and lose herself in a city so perfect, in a relationship which never existed. or she can explain a break up, a fault, a misconseption through the eyes of a girl living in a nowhere town. a nowhere state, a nowhere country. a girl whose place is yet to be found.. yet to be questioned or explored by a single soul. as her words flow easily into your ear drums youll wonder. wonder what makes this girl so troubled, why does she feel she must hide behind these words. i guess theres no real answer. its like asking why a bird sings. its just a natural attraction to the unreal. to the discriptive world, to a place where she doesnt have to be so serious. where things dont have to be so real, or so permanent. her writing is her gift, her pain, her muse, her writing is her spirit which so gently flows in the summers breeze and lands upon a snowy bank, like a nomad, searching for someone to listen.

- me

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 16 January :: 11.42pm

interesting couple days i guess..

i dont have much to write except i cant stand drama and all this shit..

i feel so unloved nobody comments :(

im gonna go cuz im borring..

- manda

Everytime she laughs, she hopes he's watchin.. not so he'll see she is happy... but so maybe he will fall for her smile as hard as she fell for his...<3*

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 14 January :: 10.40pm
:: Music: ill get by ok x grateful dead

alot of hours to occupy it was easy when i didnt know you yet
things id have to forget
but i better be quiet now
im tired of wasting my breath
carrying on and getting upset
maybe i got a problem but thats not what i wanted to say
id prefer to say nothing
i got a long way to go
im getting further away

--

im emotionally unstable.. i found myself revolving my thoughts about this.. i even had myself in tears today.. are my emotions that on edge? that even the slightest push will break me? robbie and i were talking today in history and it made me realize a few things.. that i have to keep lust and desire away from what the reality is.. i shouldnt get my hopes up for something that probably wont amount to anything allthough i wish it would.. damn do i ever..

i hate to show people my tears when im sad.. i held em back in history and then in the front hallway jimmy stole my balloon and since i had just been holding it all in my last button was pushed and i just started to tear up.. and i hugged jimmi l and cried and then went into the bathroom and sucked it up and had a cigarette.. and i cant stand coming home to this house void of any positive emotion.. it makes me even more depressed.. i just feel so empty and like jaded by all this crap around me..

i miss kaitlin alot.. she was like my get away my friend whod never change cuz we were sisters and i know thats still true but shes all the way in switzerland and it just sucks to have her so far away.. im sure shes having a great time tho.. in amsterdam, lugano, germany all the different party/rave/drug zones id be in heaven.. lol

well i guess thats it for now..

ill let you know how things go in the future...

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 14 January :: 6.44am
:: Music: stuck in the middle with you x grateful dead

i had a weird dream last night about taking mrs simms engliush test and like getting something in th email at the school but they were pictures from a long time ago from like whne me and sam went skiing or something it was reeally oddd..

just thought id let that out lol

good morning.. im so damn tired

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 12 January :: 11.17pm

alright.. so i guess heres the scope on me..

ive had an interesting week filled with various highs and lows.. each day starts one way and ends another like the other day i was having THE shittiest day ever then i was greeted with a happy occurance at the end of the day and some days ill wake up with spunk and then feel like shit throughout the day..

roar..

i brought kaitlin up to the airport today.. shes really gone... shes in europe in switzerland im really gonna miss her.. i love her so much she was the last good thing i had left in my family...

dammit im sore and tired and i need to shower...

ill update later

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 12 January :: 8.42pm

No sleep last night,
too busy thinkin of you.
I was tryin to figure out how I could fix things,
but I can't.
You wouldn't want me to anyway,
so I guess I'll just have to stop loving you somehow.
And only love the memory of me actually thinking you cared.
It hurt bad.
I shouldn't waste my tears, I know.
It's kind of too late to say that.
I've already unleashed thousands,
cuz every thought I ever had
was about you.
And every dream I ever wished
came true -
when you entered my life.
And now you're slowly disappearing,
so I didn't sleep last night....

yea thats how i feel right about now.. seems like once again everything is changing.. and i dont know why, mayb its for the better this time...but w/e idk... i dont know nethign nemore... and im gettign to the point where i really dont care about nethign nemore....

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 11 January :: 6.16pm

i wish i could press rewind..
and relive each second with you again and again...

very good end to a bad day to say the least ;-)

Who�d like to see me down on my fucking knees
Everybody�s dying just to get the disease

I LOVE ELLIOT SMITH! why did he have to be such a troubled guy?

if i could press rewind

if i could press rewind today
id relive each moment i spent
holding your hands.
and know now to appreciate you while i can.

if i could press rewind today
id catch your innocence in a picture
and watch it on my walls.
while the winter snow flakes slowly start to fall.

if i could press rewind today
id melt you to my skin
and smell the scent known only to you.
as the lyrics bounce off me, stella blue..

if i could press rewind today
id savor every kiss you gave
in the shadows, on your bed
i wouldnt have to move ahead.

if i could press rewind today
id end up back in ecstacy.
a pure plutonic benifit
of keeping love where it needs to be hid.

if i could press rewind today
id worry much less for the future me
id be ruled by the impulse in my veins
maybe i wouldnt feel so insane

if i could press rewind today
there'd be no turning back.
id breath you in and scream your name
i swear id never be the same.

if i could press rewind today
and relive all my regrets
there wouldnt be anything id ever take back
but remind myself not to get too attatched

if i could press rewind today
and watch it all happen again.
i stare forever in your eyes
those deep brown pools of paradise.

if i could press rewind today
i think id kiss you just once more.
id feel your body and taste your touch
id try and never miss you much

if i could press rewind today
id look you in the eyes.
id tell you that you couldnt leave
and how much that you meant to me..

if i could press rewind and stay
in the dream i call today
id peirce your skin and sew me in
forever waiting for the day to begin

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 10 January :: 12.29am
:: Music: stella blue x gratefuldead

All the years combine, they melt into a dream,
A broken angel sings from a guitar.
In the end there�s just a song comes cryin� up the night
Thru all the broken dreams and vanished years.
Stella blue. stella blue.

When all the cards are down, there�s nothing left to see,
There�s just the pavement left and broken dreams.

In the end there�s still that song comes cryin� like the wind.
Down every lonely street that�s ever been
Stella blue. stella blue.

I�ve stayed in every blue-light cheap hotel, can�t win for trying.
Dust off those rusty strings just one more time,
Gonna make them shine, shine

It all rolls into one and nothing comes for free,
There�s nothing you can hold, for very long.
And when you hear that song come crying like the wind,
It seems like all this life was just a dream.
Stella blue. stella blue.

well the past couple days have been ok i guess, i hung out with john lizzy and chris for a while today and tomorrow i have a bunch of plans but i think im hanging out with dana for his birthday tomorrow :-) yayy

the snow day was fun except for getting soaking wet and freezing!!!

ah well im never gonna get up in the morning if i dont go to bed soon so off i go

- manda

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 6 January :: 10.40am

its a snow day!!!!!!!!!

i hate the cold but im very glad we didnt have school i was about to wing the biggest test of this year! but now i get til monday! haha

i think im going sledding today but im not sure yet

i am in love with these sourcream and onion cheeze its yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

well imma go byebye

new songggggggggggggggggggg

In The End

take me down to the place we used to go
where theres no worries where nobody would know
wed light the fire, and drink some beer
smoke a little reefer, but still nobody could hear

walking through the town, i feel their eyes on me
staring down a reject, a fucked up reality
thinking they know who we are, from a passing glance
they think im giving up now, they should know there aint a chance

(chorus)
im so sorry
im so sorry to break your fragile thoughts
im so sorry
im just so sorry this is what you fought for
a different kind of war
a war againt its youth,
this different kind of war
is now a war against you

force fed thoughts pumped into their veins
the eyes of their children now think im insane
im passing their zombies in the halls of my school
they think im crazy, that im breaking all the rules

its not like i care what they say about me
i couldnt care less if they dont like what they see
once the sun no longer shines, none of this will count
nobody will remember when your dead in the ground

(chorus)

i believe youve mistaken me for a person whose weak
a person who crys out each time that they speak
my heart is not heavy for you, i pity your fears
i pray i never see you after the end in 3 years

i know what your saying, i know what im facing
i know that your heart is empty, keeping busy to replace it
take a risk and get where your going
cuz along the way you could fall without knowing

(bridge)
black angels, with broken wings
listen as my beauty sings
this isnt me, this isnt how i am
although youd never give a damn
i'm just a loser, some stoner, fucked up
i may not know you
does it seem like i care
you hold yourself so high..
but noones ever there

(chorus)

Black Angels

black angels with dissapearing acts
make themselves invisible when you turn your back
broken from the inside, bleeding though the cracks
never to be noticed, known never to react

we hide behind our words, we keep them underneath our tongues
the songs we sing inside our minds are never to be sung
never will a word of praise be heard from our golden mouths
we keep each silver plated word hidden deep inside ourselves

(chorus)
black angels, golden hearts
black angels, heavens torn appart
their left alone,
in a world of pity and pain
their left alone
in a city where loss is gain
never to be broken,
never to be spoken
condemed to hide themselves...
might as well

black angels, tell me what do you see
a quiet little girl, one whose just like me
yeah ive been there, each and every day
still i go on, just the same

always second geussed
always second best
what cant you see theres beauty in side of me
im bleeding through this band aid of a solution
your dying too, your lies become polution

(bridge)
the light wont shine though,
i gotta be with you
but i wont bother today
you dont even know my name

(chorus)

black angels, heaven hides in us
black angels, the devil confides in us
were all alone.. were on our own
taking the road less often chose

black angels, bittersweet
black angels, standing on our two feet
you dont see me, i cry myself to sleep
you dont need me, i give you my soul to keep

(chrous)

Make Me Hate You

i hate you when your with her
i hate you when you wanna talk
i hate you when you look at me
and when your bodies lined in chalk

i hate you when you smile at me
with your stupid cupid grin
i hate the way you make my heart
feel as if it could cave in

i hate the way your brown eyes
make me weak in the knees
and even in the saddest times
you keep me begging please

(chorus)
i love you (everything about you)
i love you (wont you make me hate you)
i love you and ill never leave
make me hate you baby please

i hate you when i stay up
wishing you were there
i hate you when you touch me
and trap me in your stare

i hate you when you penetrate
and stay so long within
i hate you when you hold me
and tell me you love this life of sin

i hate the way you make me feel
like im the queen of your world
then turn your back and walk away
to the arms of another girl

(chorus)

i hate the way you call me
with sarcasm in your voice
and while were fighting on the fone
you tell me its my choice

i hate the way you kiss my lips
and leave me always hungered for more
and the way your heat wraps around me
praying theres time for an encore

i hate the way you fall asleep
on our midnight get aways
your head in my lap eyes closed tight
i hate how you make me want to stay

(chorus)

i hate you.. (wont you leave me alone)
i love you.. (i cant breath without you)
i hate you.. (wont you leave me alone)
i love you.. (i cant breath without you)

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 5 January :: 10.24pm

stole this from nikkie who stole this from meg

x all the things that apply..

Have you ever...
[x] been drunk.
[x]smoked pot.
[x] kissed a member of the opposite sex
[x] rode in a taxi.
[x] been dumped.
[x] shoplifted.
[ ] been fired.
[ ] been in a fist fight.
[ ] had a threesome - kissing or otherwise
[x] snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ] been arrested.
[x] made out with a stranger.
[ ] stole something from your job.
[ ] celebrated new years in times square.
[ ] went on a blind date.
[x] lied to a friend.
[x] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[ ] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[x] thrown up from drinking.
[ ] lost your sibling.
[x] played 'clue'.
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[x] cheated on a bf/gf.
[x] been cheated on.
[ ] had a sweet sixteen.
[ ] had a quinceanera.
[ ] had a car.
[x] drove

Do you...
[ ] have a boyfriend.
[ ] have a girlfriend.
[x] have a crush.
[x] feel loved.
[x] feel lonely.
[ ] feel happy.
[x] hate yourself.
[ ] think your attractive
[ ] have a dog.
[x] have your own room.
[x] listen to rap.
[x] listen to rock.
[x] listen to jazz
[x] listen to classical and/or opera
[x] listen to showtunes
[x] listen to soul.
[x] listen to techno
[x] listen to reggae.
[x] paint your nails.
[x] have more than one best friend.
[x] get good grades
[x] play an instrument.
[x] have slippers.
[ ] wear boxers.
[x] wear black eyeliner.
[x] like the color blue.
[x] like the color yellow.
[x] like the color purple.
[x] like the color pink.
[ ] cyber.
[ ] claim.
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[x] have long hair.
[ ] have short hair.
[x] have a cell phone.
[x] have a laptop.
[ ] have a pager.

Are you...
[ ] ugly.
[ ] pretty.
[x] ok.
[x] bored.
[ ] happy.
[ ] bilingual.
[x] white.
[ ] black.
[ ] mexican.
[ ] asian.
[ ] short.
[ ] tall.
[x] medium height.
[ ] grounded.
[ ] sick.
[x] lazy.
[x] single.
[ ] taken.
[x] looking.
[ ] not looking.
[ ] don't care.
[x] talking to someone.
[x] IMing someone.
[x] scared to die.
[x] tired.
[x] sleepy.
[ ] annoyed.
[ ] hungry.
[ ] thirsty.
[ ] on the phone.
[x] in your room.
[ ] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[x] in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[x] listening to music.
[ ] homophobic
[x] depressed

yeah..

was really sad today helped kaitlin pack up all her clothes to be shipped to switzerland :( ill miss her alot but i know shell have a great time, and make something great of herself while shes there, many fresh faces, and new places to explore. almost a new beginning in a new country where she can really make it her own, on her own.. building character, depth and growing culturally.

dont really feel right tonight.. or ever

you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 4 January :: 10.30pm

Sarryy5: i don see why you bother, hes pure evil
BlckTangldHrt35x: i really dont bother, i dont im him or call him anymore i wait for him to
BlckTangldHrt35x: and obviously id love to be friends with him hes fun! but i cant help an immense sexual attraction
Sarryy5: lol youre amazing
BlckTangldHrt35x: like being completely serious
BlckTangldHrt35x: all i want to do when hes around is just
BlckTangldHrt35x: kiss him and ya you know the rest
BlckTangldHrt35x: like its not like one of your friends like bumping into you like everytime he even touches me its like dammit all i can think about is fucking him
BlckTangldHrt35x: and that obviously interferes with things
kels7216: hahahaha
BlckTangldHrt35x: thats what it is too
BlckTangldHrt35x: s'why i just cant be friends
BlckTangldHrt35x: he could look me in the eyes and say sock
BlckTangldHrt35x: and all id hear is
BlckTangldHrt35x: fuck me now

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

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