oOoBuBbLeSoOo

oOoBuBbLeSoOo

:: 2005 3 January :: 11.18pm

my 3rd update of the day..

i dont know what the hell is wrong with me... im nothing but nice to people.. i would give everything i had to someone just to feel appreciated, and cared about. why dont people realize that i would give up everything i am just for their happiness.. just so i could be the one that they care about.. just once i wanna feel the way everybody else does.. i just wanna feel like someone cares about me.

i cant sleep theres way too much on my mind and everytime i start to think about it, i just start to cry and i feel the tingle of teardrops start to burst from my eyes.. endlessly like summer rain falling on a dry, dead land.. my cheek, empty, pale and cold...

im sorry that im empty.. im sorry that im too full, im sorry that im useless and broken and im sorry that i want so bad to love and be loved in return?

no

not even to love, just to care..

no

not even to care, just to have fun with someone who wants to have fun with me..

to be appreciated..cared about, thought about, saught after.. somebody that somebody remembers...

i just wanna be somebody to anybody...

but i know things dont change..

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2005 3 January :: 8.06pm

BlckTangldHrt35x: do u ever feel like you hate everything
BlckTangldHrt35x: like nothings right..
Pimpin In 1869: sure
Pimpin In 1869: im all fucked up i know mad shit
BlckTangldHrt35x: im fucking crazy
Pimpin In 1869: not as crazy as me
BlckTangldHrt35x: dana you dont know what goes on in my head
BlckTangldHrt35x: and how bad i feel more than half the time
BlckTangldHrt35x: nor would anyone want to
Pimpin In 1869: you dont know what goes one o my head
BlckTangldHrt35x: but the thing is
BlckTangldHrt35x: id like to understand what goes on in your head
BlckTangldHrt35x: nobody wants to figure me out
BlckTangldHrt35x: or understand what goes on in mine

I see you're leaving me
and taking up with the enemy
The cold comfort of the in between
A little less than a human being
A little less than a happy high
A little less than a suicide
The only things that you really tried
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right

what is it you see through your brown eyes
that isnt there when you stare back at mine
shes nothing in the scheme of things
id break her if i tried, for all the tears you made me cry
and the lies you made lie, and i never asked you why
but why must we divide, this time we spend
i thought it was on me you depend
but im broken in two
i geuss i needed you

(chorus)
theres a void in my heart
and losers everywhere
a nip to the air
as you run your fingers through her hair
ive got nowhere to go
and i know soon ill be walking alone
but you wont see me going nowhere fast

looking at the world in a shade of black and whites
i know you didnt mean those words i know you didnt mean to fight

ugh i cant finish this

- more later

being in love

being in love with someone who is not in love with
you, you understand my predicament.
being in love with you, who are not
in love with me, you understand my dilemma.
being in love with your being in love
with me, which you are not, you understand
the difficulty. being in love with your
being, you can well imagine how hard it is.
being in love with your being you,
no matter you are not your being in
love with me, you can appreciate and pity
being in love with you. being in love
with someone who is not in love, you know
all about being in love with someone who is not
in love with you, which is
being in love, which you know only too well,
love, being in love with being in love.

-marvin bell

August

this is one way to say it.
the girl left, you left.

and this is another.
last year in august i hung
my head between my knees, looked up
and flirted with the atmosphere
but you were here
and the sky had no gravity.

now love falls from me,
like walls of an empty city.

my symptom
is the earths
constant rotation

eveything i say about desire or
hunger is only lip service
in the face of it.

still there were days i know
your mouth gave that last taste of blue.

-esta spalding

"you said, there are women
i know whose presence
changes the quality of the air...

...i am not one of those"

lightness

it was your lightness that drew me,
the lightness of your talk and your laughter,
the lightness of your cheek in my hands
your sweet gentle modest lightness;
and it is the lightness of your kiss
that is starving my mouth,
and the lightness of your embrace
that will let me go adrift.

- meg bateman

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2005 3 January :: 6.52am

im sitting here updating my journal at 7:00 im such a weirdo lol

well... its a new year and with that comes new changes, new events, new people, new me. my resolutions this year are to be nicer to people ive been a dick to..and to get in shape.. hummm any others? to do well in my competition :-)

i just hope things wont change as drastically as they have in the past year.. goodbye 04' you were well spent and well remembered..

<3 amanda

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2005 1 January :: 3.02pm

its officially a new year... damn this ones coem and gone so quickly its scarey how different things are and how much theyre changing

thistles was funnnnnnnn ill write more about it later

im at lizzys and i need to go home and shower haha ill update later

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 30 December :: 5.06pm

Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much to smart for this
You know it gets the better
Of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me down
I say its all because of you and here I go
Losing my control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it to your face it doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth indeed its time
Tell you why
I say its infinately true
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten
Every afternoon
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Its all because of you
Its all because of you

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 28 December :: 12.10pm

in the heat of the night, im playing our song
while hitting the resin you left in the bong
im so lonely now, as i smoke you away
were so distant now, as im driven insane

you coat my lungs with a venomous tar
like a cancer to the heart you kill from afar
your holding me back, im blocking you too
your smoking me black, and im broken in two

(chorus)
devilish, deviant is the look in your eye
burning deep into me as your waving goodbye
suck the life right out of me, ill be fine
everytime..

in the dark of the room, im playing our song
while hitting the resin you left in the bong
like the organ at a funeral you eat me away
booming with anger, and fury and rage

peircing my skin, with the bite of a leech
take me down and bury me deep
show me another one of your new tricks
and slip me some more toxin, i need a fix

(chorus)

in the heat of the night, im playing our song
while hitting the resin you left in the bong
im so lonely now, as i smoke you away
were so distant now, as im driven insane

bite through the flesh bleed out my veins
youve corrupted my mind, and spoon fed me pain
im distant and hollow at the mercy of you
you bite and you practice your wickid voodoo

suck the life right out of me, im telling you i will be fine
everytime..

you better fucking comment!!

GoLdie18

:: 2004 27 December :: 4.04pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: *One Year Six Months* yellowcard

...death.
I know your shinning down on me from heaven,
like so many friends we've lost along the way,
and i know eventually we'll be together
one sweet day...

Joshua Max. 12/7/85-12/26/03
It has been a tough year without you Josh. You've missed so much, there are so many things I wish i could tell you about..but where do I begin? Do I tell you about Adam and I? Do I tell you what high school has been like for me? Or about USY events? Do I tell you about my last summer as a camper? I guess I cant. I can't tell you because your not here. We never thought about death a year ago..we never thought "what if we die today". We were happy, and when we were sad..you cheered us all up. You were the funny guy, the jokester, you josh, were that big brother I always wanted... you were my mentor, my friend, and now...your watching over me. I miss you Josh. I miss you alot. It isn't fair that you are missing half a life. You didn't deserve it. You were too young to die. Joshua Max, I love you more than words can say, and always will. Rest In Peace.

"Choose yourself a mentor;
Acquire yourself a friend;
And make it your habit to judge every person favorably."
~pirkei avot

you better fucking comment!!

Cocopuff

:: 2004 26 December :: 10.24am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Matchbox 20- "3 am"

Merry Christmas

Wow!! Christmas has already come and gone... its weird becasue it doent even feel like december.. this year has flown by, but so much has changed...

i didnt get much for christmas under the tree but thats cuz i got my class ring and i went to St Martin with Manda.. but i got a few things.. including 300$ on scratch tickets and a 500$ pack of corvett stuff...

yea so its the day after christmas.. and what are manda and i goann do... duhh stuff are faces go get high and stuff are faces again... so bubye

~Lizzy

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 25 December :: 12.23pm

so its christmas.. and it doesnt really feel like it.. i had fun last night tho.. im glad kaitlin was home for me this year. i wouldnt have been able to get by this christmas without her. she took me out with chris and darrah last night for a drive to nowhere lol we all took some oc's and had a great christmas i love them. we drove the prison lol and into boston and everywhere imaginable. im glad i didnt get a chnace to sit by myself and cry this year... im just thankful that i have my sister i love her

:: 2003 25 December :: 12.17 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: too much of not enuff - silverchair

what a fuckin merry christmas

its offically christmas.. and i am officially most likely the saddest person on earth at this moment in time

i want so bad to see my mom.. but i have to be dumb and push her out of my life when that is whats making me so deppressed.... ive tried to be strong and show her i dont need her but the truth is that i love her so much and i hate her becuz i miss her but i cant tell her that now, its too late.. she wouldnt care anyways

i feel so alone and its christmas, no1 deserves to feel alone.. my dads asleep and i cant find anything to do with myself. i just sit and think and teh only thing i can think about is my mom and i start to cry.

and my moms out with my sister prolly having a great time..

i promised myself i wouldnt cry tonight, and here i am drowning in my tears....

if only she knew everything i feel. i just want to wrap my arms aiound her and have her tll me everything will be ok.. i just need to know that im gonna be ok, becuz i dont know how much longer i can go on like this. its eating away at me. i cant handle it.

each present i may receive today will never quench my thirst for happiness..

becuz no superficial materialistic pile of crap could ever bring my mom back, and that kills....

im sorry i sound self centered tonite, as if no1 else has problems. im sorry. but to me this is as bad as it gets, i dont know pain greater than this so forgive me for these tears...

--

crying again... ick...

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

GoLDie18

:: 2004 24 December :: 5.15pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Only One by Yellowcard

RiP Nana Gold

Today. On the jewish calender would be 2 years since my grandpa died. (dad's dad) Well, today my grandma died.(dad's mom). the funeral is sunday at 9:30am @ Stanetsky's Funeral Home in Canton. Then back here. We are sitting shiva here then until Thursday night 2-5pm and 7-9pm. That day, December 26th- will be one year since Josh died. Life is so short, it makes you think how lucky you are to have what you have. But -what a way to spend my winter break. :o(

Other than that, merry christmas eve everyone. Emily is coming over for awhile tonight with her mommy and daddy, like every christmas eve for the past 5? years. woohoo! And tomorrow, i am going with my family to our christmas thing we do in the morning and then I'll eaither go to the movies with my family or I'll go to the movies with Lauren, Ezra and the other Lauren. We'll see. Hope everyone has a good christmas and to all my jews i hope you all see good movies and eat good chinese food.

To all my IC'ers, who are in Chicago right now...hope its a blast, miss you tons! xoxox <3 <3 <3

and one last thing just to cheer me up a little...
align=left>
I adopted a cute lil' pirate fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 24 December :: 3.19pm

soo its christmas eve.. i guess its better than last year.. maybe thats just because i actually havemy sister this year or maybe because i havent really had enough time to sit downa nd think about it because ive been rushing around everywhere..

who knows but xmas blows and so does being alone..

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 23 December :: 7.28am

goodmorning
*whoever reads this remember it is just a dream*

i had this horrible dream last night.. that we were at school and i brought a knife... and lizzy had planned on killing meaghan.. but instead killed amanda burch.. the cops came and took both lizzy and i away we were put into our cells and we just sat theres for hours.. some people showed us around the prison.. like where we eat and stuff.. i looked over to the side and their was a giant concert with moshpitts everywhere and me and lizzy went in...then the night came and they brought us our pills, i figured some were sleeping pills etc.. lizzy took hers and i took a few of mine..somehow i got released but lizzy was still in jail.. i randomly saw matt hamel and he said that jodi gold ripped me off HAH then i was in my kitchen looking at the 2 pills i had left and all of a sudden they unfurled and they were worms with long arms that were running all over my counter i killed both of them and missed lizzy alot :( i dont remember what happened next but i also remember being in las vegas which was also st martin and lizzy and i swam where we had on out trip..

i dont know what these dreams mean.. theyre a bit fucked up...

- manda

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 21 December :: 6.34am
:: Music: dont turn around x ace of base

when did the sun start to rise so early? and so fast? in a matter of minutes the once dark world is overwhelmed by a glow from the warm crisp sun of winter.. glistening over the snow reflecting a time of change and animosity..

on a different note.. i talked to anthony last night, i hadnt talked to him in a while i think hes gonna try n come to natickk sometime this week :-) yayyy

im so ready for break.. no matter how much sleep i get im still tired.. every day..ick people suck too.. but whatever i wont bitch

ill write more later..

- amanda

*were too far gone to make it work
your too empty now to make it worth
the trouble id see for breaking his heart
and why would i risk getting torn appart
were too far gone to be the same
too distant now to call you by name
were too different people with our hands at our throats
begging for love begging for more
were too far gone..*

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 19 December :: 4.39pm

someday

i was 6 years old hiding in my room
crying to myself thinking nobody loved me
so i made my own and got on with my life
i stepped out of the dark and into the light

i watched my mom walk away
after making me who i am today
for the good? for the bad? dont think ill ever know
but ill always think of her whenever it snows

where were you when i needed you
too fucked up to care
where were you? were you there?
too fucked up to care

(chorus)
sun comes out now
dry your eyes now
someday your time will come
and everything be alright

teenage girl left in control
with a selfobsessed dad and a case of depression
borderline life between health and pain
this try to be normal shit of a life drove me insane

in a dark room writing my life
thinking of how to press down my knife
maybe once its over maybe once its gone
theyll realize they cant carry on

where were you when i needed you
too fucked up to care
where were you? were you there?
too fucked up to care

(chorus)

im damaged, broken, bleeding and bruised
my heart is bolted wont let no one through
think about my mothers arms
too fucked up to care anymore..

maryjane and ecstacy
make for a wonderful disease
make me happy make me feel
like this emotion is somehow real

where were you when i needed you
too fucked up to care
where were you? were you there?
too fucked up to care

(chorus)

im different.. your different
its different lifes different
im too fucked up
i dont care
im too fucked up
to care anymore

3 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

Cocopuff

:: 2004 18 December :: 2.13pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Kelly Clarkson-" Since u been gone"

long timeee

wow its benn soooo long since i have written in here... well umm what have i missed... ohhh umm 11-10 which is a day i cant forget... and i went to St Martin with Manda which was funnnnn...i wish i was still there... other then that i havent really left neone who really reads this out on nethin special... all i do is work...then go to johns and go to school... i have no life lol wich is y i stopped writing in this thing... but i guess ill try and star writein in here again....

Lizzy

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

GoLdiE18

:: 2004 17 December :: 4.32pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: NeW IPoD

hanukkah!

presents went as follows:
*Dooney & Bourke Bag (heart one, lindsey lohan models)
*UGGs (chestnut, classic short)
*iPod!! (40GB, picture one :) )
*rainboots (nine west, sooo 60's sosososo camp pembroke!)
*Make Up Set (so much wonderful makeup! woohoo)
*clothes (AE shopping spree, and sweaters n stuff)
*PJs that are sooo cute :)
*Money, Gift Cards, The "regulars"
etc...

:) happy holidays y'all!<3

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 16 December :: 7.46pm

i just dont know how to
tell you everything i feel
i want to, i need to
but if i did you wouldnt even hear

to ride you's like a one way train
and when im with you my thoughts go insane
i just look at you and i know the truth
that i better get away.. today..

(chorus)
i gotta get out and make it on my own
i need to leave you before im left alone
its a game of who played who
i'm just wishing the winner wasnt you

i heard about some other girl in bed with you
i laughed it off and denied the proof
but i smelt her on you when you held me
and i tasted lies when you were kissing me

bury my heart in a 10 foot hole
theres only so much that your mind can control
but the indents in my heart will always remain
the vouture to this reoccuring pain

(chorus)

the scent of deceit is whisping through my hair
its veil is falling over everybody whos never there
im tired of trying if i only fall
im sick of loving when you dont love at all

i know i have to run before im consumed
but each time you kiss me i know that im doomed..
to be trapped forever in the grip of your stare
and that each night your with her.. ill be waiting there..

(chorus)

as the moonlight cascades down the strands of my hair
hold my hand and tell me you care
then run back to her like your somebodys pet
maybe someday youll realize what you havent yet

that somebody loves you for all that you are
and someone would reach to you no matter how far
that each breath they made every day
would be just for you what more can i say?

i just dont know how to
tell you everything i feel
i tried to, i knew to
but you didnt even hear...

kiss me in moonlight
take me where the sun wont even shine...<3

well thats about all my creativity heres a poem of thoughts..

fate or free will?

today i caught myself difting into thought
as the smoke slowly cascaded over the crowded room
i felt as if this world could skip right over me
lost in thought and repeatition of time
as my heart beat matched the ticking of the clock
i stared into his eyes and the depth consumed me
driving through me like the blade of a knife
my nerves were rendered powerless
under the command of the thoughts in my head
i suddenly snapped into reality
does my heart not truly love? and only the brain?
are people alone for a reason? am i just insane
i dreamt to myself what love would feel like
whats the reason i am alive like i am
and who am i here to save? who is to die?
i argued myself like a skitzofranic freak
as i dodged my own questions in the mine feild of a room
am i making these choices which so greatly change my days
or do the stars hold my fate as i walk beneath them
can my future be told to me, read like book
or is the truth hidden inside where no man can look
is this soul of emotion going to waste
as i drag on my cigarette and practice for fame
do i contradict all the morals i preach?
if i were a teacher what would i teach?
is there a message that my life conveys?
or am i a loser with nothing to say
i ponder lifes questions words are drifting away
into the sky, the stars, the galaxy for no one to hear
i write this poetry in hopes of appathy and commiseration
when satan looks for sinners and god looks for innocence
my name will appear on both dotted lines
which will my mind and soul choose to sign?
my thoughts begin to swirl in a fit of rage
slamming my braincells like a punching bag
after self mutilation and drug deprivation
ive tempted myself well enough
the crystal endeavor held close to my lips
allows for an array of topics
a list of words upon a blank clean slate
and i slowly sink back into the realms of thought
the mirky waters consume what is left of my life
and as i drown myself in confusion
i am reminded of one thing...

wow.. thats fucking all me and all no thought...i just let my hands and mind flow.. niceeee

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 12 December :: 11.09pm

just when everything was making sense.
you took away all my self-confidence.
now all that i've been hearing must be true.
i guess i'm not the only boy for you.

[Chorus:]
but that's what i get
that's what i get
that's what i get
that's what i get

how could you turn us into this?
after you just taught me how to kiss you.
i told you i'd never say goodbye.
i'm slipping on the tears you made me cry.

but that's what i get.
that's what i get.
that's what i get.
that's what i get.
for trusting you.
that's what i get.

why does it come as a surprise.
to think that i was so naive.
maybe didn't mean too much.
but it meant everything to me.

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 11 December :: 3.47pm

i realized that i need to feel needed.. i need to feel loved.. i need to feel like i have some purpose or else ill go insane.. ive found that i run back to the ones wholl take me.. so that i can feel like i belong.. i dont know whats wrong with me.. but i do need help.. im all fucked up.. and this christmas will be as miserable as the last..

and my sister.. the last family tie that i love.. is going to switzerland for college in less than 3 weeks..

theres nothing left for me here.. nothing left for me to take comfort in.. i just have friends, weed, poetry and art.. thats it.. thats all thats here for me.. ive given up on relationships.. ive given up on trust.. ive given up on my family.. ive almost given up on me..

i just wish that things would be easy... i wish that things could work themselves out on their own for once.. i wish that my singing would make me something.. that i will be appreciated.. i mean thats all that people who kill themselves want.. they want an escape from the pain.. they want people to realize that they needed them.. they want people to pay attention to the fact that theyre gone and you didnt get to tell them how you really felt.. i assure you ive thought about all of this more than twice.. sometimes i just laugh at myself for even thinking that my singing would take me anywhere.. its just a childhood dream..

im pathetic.. and self concious just waiting to be needed.. and waiting to open myself up to anyone whose willing to give me a chance.. im used to being hurt.. im used to be let down.. thats what you get when your me.. constant dissapointment.. constant stiving for more that you will never reach.. thats what its like to be me.. to want to be something you could never be.. thats me..

- amanda

4 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 9 December :: 7.00am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: we might as well be strangers

im still at lizzys since my daddy ruptured his disc.. it doesnt feel like this has been a week that i had school.. i went to the concert monday and have been sleeping here all week.. lol its funny well woohu just got changed i guess and im not sure if i liek this set up.. its kinda uglty and just like live journal and all of them i liked woohu cuz it was different and easy to use.. but i guess goodbye to that :(

i hung around with pat lizzy tom and jimmy yesterday and then went to jimmy l's house and then dana came.. hadnt hung out with them in a while...

well i gotta get going to school so ill make a real update later when i get home

- manda

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 5 December :: 10.23am

so yesterday i went out with michael ej and jimmy and then stephy came and she makes me laugh i love her then she drove me to the damn play and i sat through it :-\ then i went to my loves for a few and watched some weird movie lol it was creepy..

well im about to get some food just figured id catch up on my entries...

ps. i got in a fight with my dad and told him i hated susan.. and i really wish both of them would die because im not happy.. not one bit..

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 2 December :: 5.33pm

well i guess im an idiot for leaving this thing open for peoples eyes to see.. my dads a fucking fagget and read it.. what the hell right does he have to read my personal journal? just because its online doesnt mean its not personal i mean i dont care if ppl read it cuz whatever i have it for people to understand me.. which i doubt anyone does.. but he.. he has no right i absolutely loathe him and wish i could keep my *sang froid* but i cant i just wish that he would die and i wish my mom could come home.. thats all i want for christmas..

just to be happy..

but we all know wishes never come true..

you better fucking comment!!

goldie18

:: 2004 2 December :: 4.37pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: mix from katherine

love, and stuff

adam and i broke up. weird huh? after almost 2 years of being committed to one person, its weird that im single. I guess I can get used to it, I guess I have to. I dont know why but, i am upset. And I just need to say I will love you forever and always.

whoaaa...now that thats out- YOU. you know who you are.. YOU are an asshole for trying to get that today. talking to me only when you need it, isnt gonna get you far.. hmm, i dont know, i just dont know.

another YOU- this time, you may not know who you are, but YES i WANT TO! i want it too, i want it, you want it, WHAT NOW?!

whatever, loves cute, im over it:
5 days till presents :-D woot woot!
<3 jod

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 30 November :: 10.37pm

randomly feeling depressed...

a million whispers left unspoken
a million word left unsaid
a thousand ways to feel so used
lying naked in his bed

i refuse to be the one to wait
and waste my thoughts on you
i lie to myself like its just a game
but ive always known the truth

ill fool the world around me
pretending its only a crush
but when im around you my lips start to shake
the feeling is almost to much

its too much to handle all in one night
but ill soon be numb to the pain
ill follow this path til the road goes unpaved
and my sanity is slowly drifting away

ill trick myself into pretending im right
and ill never admit to these sins
hiding them deep inside of me
once one ends another begins

silence can never be broken
it wont shatter under your attack
ill never give up, you wont knock me down
ill be left with only a scratch

a mark to show that youve been there
and broken what is left of me
i just want to like that person
that reflection in the mirror i see

despondancy runs in my veins now
thicker and colder than before
im told to move on to get better
but i only wonder what for

the dust is settling on my bookshelf
where pictures of you and i lay
but a memory is not near to reality
so in my dreams youll stay

ill break myself down on the inside
for you, so you can like what you see
i wont give this up i wont let you down
ill fight me like a disease

bleed open for you and show you all i am
like the others who have broke me before
so after tonight ill know that its over
after one step.. and the close of the door..

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 30 November :: 6.42am
:: Music: chainsmoker LP

well its 6:30 and theres no words to describe all of the thoughts surculating through my brain right now..

ugh i dont know what i want... who i want.. if i want anything at all.. i really dont know.. i get so sick of my thoughts and how i am.. at times i just wish i was anybody else..

well..im too tired to write too much.. bye

you better fucking comment!!

GoLdIe18

:: 2004 25 November :: 3.17pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: on my own

forgot to say...

FORGOT TO WRITE THIS:

WE'RE BUILDING A NEW HOUSE...AND IM MOVING. IT WONT BE DONE UNTIL THIS SUMMER AFTER I GET BACK FROM ISRAEL, BUT WHILE IM IN ISRAEL MY PARENTS WILL MOVE AND ALL THAT...ITS STILL HERE IN THIS OH SO FUN (not) TOWN, IN RANDALL, KIKI AND SHERRINS NEIGHBORHOOD, BUT ITS GONNA BE GOOD :) WOOHOO i think....

you better fucking comment!!

GoLdiE18

:: 2004 25 November :: 3.15pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: On My Own

camp reunion- 3 days

On my own, pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own

S U N D A Y!!!!!!!!
I cant wait to see my favs from the wonderful: camp pembroke!!!!!!

you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 20 November :: 10.31am
:: Mood: ehh
:: Music: wait and bleed x slipknot

i dont know what is upsetting me.. but im leaving tomorrow and im excited but i feel like people are just gonna get along without me and when me and lizzy get back people wont wanna hang out with us anymore not naming any names but it happened to johnny and i dont want "someone" to do it to me too...

just thinking about shit lately has given me this horrible feeling in the pitt of my stomachejust thinking about the past and the future whats gonna haopen i cant handle it i really cant..

"why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me?"

So be it, I'm your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, dont need to say it

editi think im hanging out with jimmy and dana tonight when lizzy get shere end edit

new song!!!!!!!

your in my head again
for another night in row
this is getting to comfortable for me
i need to be able to let you go

ill use you up while you use me
no one gets hurt it sounds so easy
ill breath you in youll breath me out
thats what intoxications all about

you be the knife ill be the vein
hold me close while im driven insane
useless is this medicine
feel better in the arms which make me hurt

(chorus)
twilights
of reds and whites
slowly coloring you in
mystery
haunting me
as your cooly playing your guitar

piano notes are echoing
and the showers still running
the beds still unfolded
and your pictures still so stunning

im numb because youve shot me up
im dumb because i fell in love
i broke because i need your help
im here because you do me well

cant let you get into my heart
sex and love are best kept appart
i know your body i know your face
to give up now would be a waste

(chorus)

the scent of skin has filled the room
my body you have begun to consume
im lost in you heaven take me now
youve locked me here i dont know how

your in my head again
for another night in row
this is to comfortable for me
i cant let you go..

you used me up while i used you
keeping my heart wasnt easy to do
i breath you in while you breath me out
thats what this game is all about...

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!

silentcriez

:: 2004 16 November :: 8.04pm

found my moms diary from her sophmore year today.. i remmeber reading it when i as really young and imagining what it really meant. its ironic that i could find it this year..

i feel like sending it to her with a letter that just said.. read this and tell me how you think i feel..

ah theres a lot of things id like to do but dont.. i make up reasons not to.. so i cant get hurt or fuck up.. im alwatys doing that like think about it.. i wont singin front of ppl cuz im afraid of messing up.. i wont play sports cuz im afraid ill mess up wont say shit cuz im afraid ill get made fun of god damn i need confidence..

well im half way through the journal and will mostlikely finish it tomorrow.. ill let you know

heres a few things i found interesting from it

"when we got there the boys came up to us and said "why werent you at the hockey game? dont you like to fool around"

"i wish to be a great writer and marry richie, and be beautiful and know alot more"

"promise me one thing oh beautiful human being, that time shall ease no love we shared, that a bird shall noy wisp away the strands which link us together. so fragile, and so easily broken. oh god i miss you and how will it be if you are a year gone, i want to make love to you - again."

"when mom and linda were at the mall i took a swig of southern comfort yum- but uck if i dont have to pretend. alchohol is something i dont understand, its so bad tasting and yet everybody love it.. yuck!"

"i love richard, he was the first one to 1. french kiss 2 say "i love you" 3. pet me 4. ask me about pot 5. write me 6. call me etc etc etc (p.s. you arent listening"

"i really wonder about life sometimes. these days are supposed to be such happy times. im so worried about whats gonna happen that i cant enjoy today"

"i had this really dumb test in health. it was about drugs woopie.! didnt really study but heres the good stuff. afte rthe test the teacher goes "i read that thi kid was on LSD at a party and he slit his wirsts and wrote a suicide note that said im sorry mom"

you better fucking comment!!

krazykelc1

:: 2004 16 November :: 6.51pm

Code for linking pictures to a journal

close all spaces after you copy it.. excluding the one between img and src.

< img src = " URL tag goes here " >

1 comment | you better fucking comment!!