My Comments
It is so amazing to read the comments on what you think and what you are going through and to see what people think about what is happeneing in your life and the advice they give you. i thank all my friends who have put their names and said who they were to their comments and i am kind of like what the hell do you know about me if you dont put your name because if you did know me i would much rather you fess up to your feelings and right your name at the end of your comments. dont take this the wrong way i do appreciate the comments i just wish that i could put a face to the words that could change my life and my perspective on life.

I really am Thankful
while everyone else is tucked away with their families at tables with great food and an attitude filling the room of love and happiness and especially thankfulness, i will be states away from people that i love seeing others that i love very much but the feeling in my thanksgiving room wont be happiness and thankfulness. i am probably going to be depressed yet forcing myself to look happy (i am pretty good at this though because i get practice everyday when i have to talk to a few people in the halls) because right across the table from me is going to be my grandpa who is undergoing radiation and chemotherapy for cancer. i will be sitting across from my grandpa that has lost thirty pounds that he didnt have and that has lost all his soft and silky white hair (i might add he had more hair than my dad), but i will also be sitting across from my grandpa that can barely get the words out "i love you" when we are getting off the phone with eachother because he has no energy because cancer has killed off all his red blood cells and soon him as well. the minute i walk in their front door to their two bedroom two bath patio home in Huron Ohio i will run over to my grandpa give him the biggest hug i ever have and start breaking down crying because for all i know that may be the last time i will be able to hug him like that again and the last time i will be able to say i love you to him. i just hope that everyone has a really great thanksgiving and a good day at school on wednesday because on wednesday on the car ride to ohio i will be planning how to make myself not cry to sleep thursday night because i have to see my grandfather, the guy who made me british if you couldn't tell, die right before my own eyes. i am thankful though that i get to see him because this could be the last opportunity i get. i really am thankful.

thank you
so this morning when i got up and i was at bowling i was thinking about my ebtry from last night and thought how things kind of seemed like i was just blaming you and making it seemed like you ruined my life or somethin, but you didnt. you have done so many things in my life and definately left good memeroies behind even if there are a few bad ones. we had the best times together and have a million different jokes, i'm english cant ya tell? lol. but i just wanted to say thank you and last night i was just really frustrated with everything so i didnt say any of the good things that i think of. i just want to say thank you.

"What do you expect me to do? wait for you"
wow so this is my first journal entry. i am definately not gonna hold anything back. so how about this monday was probably like the worst day of my life, even though for the past year and like three months i think i have had about four days that will always be the worst over any other and those days are always caused by one person, alex. she seems to know exactly what to say to me and when to say it to just keep me hanging on. but this monday her and ben started goin out and to me this "relationship" totally came out of nowhere because on sunday she told me how he came over to her house and kissed her and asked her out and she said no because of me. but then monday rolls around and its an all new alex! he asks her out again and this time she says yes! i swear to god my arm was shaking so bad when she told me that she went out with him on the phone i wanted to throw the phone at the wall and like break it into a hundred little pieces. so now everyday at school i see them together and in all seriousness i want to go over there and punch the shit out of him. but i know that i cant because truthfully i shouldnt have anything to complain about because i threw it all away this time. according to mary vance everyone who knows what "really" happened has no pity for me at all because i had previously told alex that i couldnt go out with her and have to let her go in six months and possibly loose some friends that i could have for four more years. doesnt that seem perfectly understandable. but no i was about to aske her out becase i finally decided that if it isnt for goin out with alex that they will be yellin at me for it will just be somethin eles. like today on the bus after school frankie could just not stop blamin everything on me. i swear all i need to do is find one more person to replace me in a relationship i have and i wont need to live anymore. ben replaced me in alex's life and ross replaced me in frankie's life and actually there is probably someone that replaced me in someonelses life too i just havent really noticed it yet. i think it might just be that this week is the replace ryan week and then next week things will go back to normal. but anyways today in gym i was talkin to mary vance about what was wrong with me and i was like you know what is wrong with me u said it like two seconds ago. and just previously she was sayin how cute she thought ben and alex were together. but then mary vance continues to tell me how much i hurt alex when i told her i wouldnt go out with her because i wanted to keep my friends and that alex has moved on and then i started thinking about everything that is going wrong now, my grandpa, alex, frankie, my mom, dad, and brother, and i just started ballin cryin. it was crazy. im sure eveeything i just wrote seems like a big jumbled mass of confusion but all that is whats running through my head at this very moment. i just cant stand how she said she cant wait on me but i have waited on her for more than a total of like five months. it just bewilders me sometimes how she has the nerve to tell me that she couldnt wait just one more day or even one more week on me but now i have to wait who knows how long again because according to mary vances folder "Alex hearts Ben." blah.