gah
On Friday I go to lunch, only Stina is there. Brie, Preeti, and Barrett all went out together. The only reason I know this is because Brie mentioned it to Stina during gym. She didn't ask her or anything, she just told her. Stina was pissed. These people will tell her that they're going out to lunch and that she's driving without even asking, but they exclude her without a thought. And they excluded me too, which is kinda mean. I found out later it was because Preeti wanted to spend time with just Barrett and Brie. I am a bit ticked off to be excluded. But I'm more pissed off that they excluded Stina. Stina is furious. EVERYONE has been taking advantage of her lately, so this is just a straw to break her back. She can't take SHS anymore. And neither can I. I'm mad at Preeti for being careless, at some certain stupid people, at all the idiots that made elementary and middle school hell for Stina and me, at all the people who blamed Columbine on music and video games instead of on themselves (EDIT: I mention this because Stina and I have been talking about it lately, and how that people are just lucky that a lot of the kids that have anger towards everyone else aren't violent enough to kill their classmates), at all the people who tell Stina she can't do it, at all the people who treat me and her like we're freaks, at everyone who eever thought they could take advantage of of Stina. She doesn't want to eat lunch with these people anymore, and it could sound like overreacting, and maybe it is. But I really wish people would just start treating her (and me) like actual people, instead of people to joke with and then toss away later.

nice question
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
Thanks so much for asking, Chris, and I haven't a clue. Obviously something. But it's not exactly polite for you to bring it up. I'd like to pretend that people don't think I'm a nutcase, it makes me feel better.

Camp
I miss camp. I miss camp terribly. I spent the whole day talking about camp: lunch today, and then the girl scout meeting.

I really really miss camp. And someday I'll be too old to go or work there....
Like when I'm ninety, I hope.

In other news, Lar is going to the prom with a sophmore guy. I try to tell myself that I don't care what she does...kinda hard. I feel terrible for the guy, and I'm trying to restrain myself from looking him up in my 8th grade yearbook (I only know his possible last name, but I do know he went to my middleschool). I do not care I do not care I do not care...she gets to date before me? No fair!!!!!!! I know she got her first kiss before me...but still...no fair!!!!

random things
1) I'm not going back to Europe with GS. I really really want to, but we can't afford for me to go on the music trip *and* to send me to college that year *and* to send me to Europe. And since I already went on a similar trip, I should be happy I got to go once. I'm upset, but I'll get over it...I think.

2) School sucks. I want out.

3) I haven't been feeling myself lately.

4) The back of my hand is full of pink lines because I was scratching at it with a pencil all day in hopes of keeping my sanity.

5) I think I'm hallucinating me actually having sanity.

6) Stina wasn't in school today. It was sad. I'm kinda worried.

7) I think B is going to go crazy if school doesn't end.

8) I got an A on the last component of the research paper, and the component before that, and on my little paper for the English project.

9) I'm not doing very well on my psych project to stop biting my nails. They're shorter than when I started.

10) Why is socializing normally so difficult for me? I don't even realize how anti-social I am sometimes untill I realize that I never talk to friends on the phone and that I get maybe one email a month from a friend and I only talk to five or so people online. And it's really sad that being imed by a random stranger last night resulted in the most interesting conversation I've had in a while.

11) No one cares.

I hate right now. This moment? I hate it. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate feeling stupid. I hate losing control and making an idiot of myself. I hate wanting to hurt myself. I hate actually hurting myself (in any way, shape, or form). I hate being short and busty and alone. I hate that there are probably two people on earth who actually understand me, my sister not included because that's different. I hate that I have exactly one class with one of those people, and that's lunch. I hate being so socially awkward that talking to people I'm not totally comfortable with is a trial and talking to people I know well can still make me anxious. I hate having a year+ to go before graduation. I hate how people think it's ok to brush me off. I hate not being taken seriously. I hate always being so angry. I hate always being so stressed out. I hate unrealistic expectations and I hate people who think the best way for me to get used to something is just to start doing it full-on (also known as implosion, only sucessful with some people, can have negative effects on others, ie me). And I hate always feeling like I have to make a joke because if I'm serious maybe people won't take me seriously anway.
I think I ought to go to sleep.

hmmm
This is a test. Because I'm in insanely curious and stupid, I reset my journal, though I'm not really sure what that means. Now whenever I try to look at my journal, I just get an error message. Here's hoping I'll see *this* entry at least... (and that I haven't accidentally deleted the whole thing).

EDIT: Ok, I didn't delete my journal. That's good. And in the future maybe I won't play with all the pretty options.

English Project
I'm starting to get excited. I was worried before over what on earth I was going to do, but I talked to Ms. F (student teacher), and I know what I'm doing now. However, I somehow ended up with half a bulletin board. I could have had the whole bulletin board, but that was a bit initimidating. And being that this bulletin board is about three feet tall and probably about eight feet (if not bigger), I'm still a bit intimidated. That's a huge amount of space for just me to fill up. What I'm going to do is take things that I liked from the book (themes, motifs, highlights, cool parts, whatever you want to call it) and I'm going to go to town. I'm going to write poetry on whatver I can, take random pictures that relate to the book, interview people, and tack up random items (like Three Musketeer's candy bar wrappers). I might draw stuff, who knows, I'm not exactly an artist. I thought about taking my little tape recorder and making a poor girl's video (ok, now close your eyes and pretend you see swirling light as you hear the random sound effects I recorded), but the bulletin board should be more than enough for me. I'm actually kinda nervous, because my project is going to be up for everyone to see for probably the next month if not longer because Mr. Peachy (yes I know I'm misspelling his name) is a bit lazy about changing the board. And I'm a bit nervous about the poetry thing, but if I really need to I can go dig up some old stuff that relates to the themes (come on, I have tons of anti-war poems, tons of poems about darkness, tons of poems about death. Of course, the death ones are a few years old and probably better hidden, because they are just BAD. But still, I have some stuff I could use). And Ms. F likes poetry herself and offered to help me (an offer I'll probably pass up, but still). So tonight I just have to write a quick paper on what I'm going to do and I'll hand it in tomorrow. I think I'm the only person working alone at this point (though someone else looks like they're being kicked out of their group) but I still think I can do a good job. And this is actually a CREATIVE project, which I think gives me a bit of an edge over the math and science inclined people in my class. Not to mention it should be fun.

About my day
I fell asleep last night after one, and I woke up feeling like I'd never slept at all, but I wasn't tired. I didn't finish my notecards until the very beginning of English class, which is why I got so little sleep. After I got to English, my teacher informed us that we had the class period to peer edit the notecards, and that we could hand them in tomorrow. Even though mine weren't completly perfect, they were pretty good, so I was one of the three people from all of the Honors English people to hand them in. And one of the few people to actually finish at all.

Physics was nice, because I got my grade back for my last test: 105. Mrs. B told me I got the only perfect score out of all of her classes, which is cool. And then I corrected something on her answer key, further impressing her with my brilliance (ha). I would have been more impressed with myself if I weren't in a college prep physics class populated with more than it's fair share of idiots who waste all their time texting each other on their cellphones, but it was still nice.

In math I got my third marking period grade: B. I know I'm at the top of that class (again, not exactly an achievement), but if I had gotten an A- or higher on my last test, I would have an A- on my report card.

US History was fun. I wrote my essay (due today) for that class in 37 minutes flat. Woot, go me. And it was pretty good too, I think, so it was nice to hand it in. And we just started talking about the godless commies of the 1950's, which is always a cool topic because my grandparents were godless commies. Or, as they prefered to call themselves, radicals. Not that much different, the FBI still bothered them. (My grandparents are/were so cool. Especially when they brought my mom to peace marches and stuff.)

We're singing some new songs in choir, including a spiritual that actually turned out to be pretty awesome. Barrett had to explain to me exactly who Daniel was at lunch, but it's still a cool song.

And in English, it turns out I am actually behind much of the rest of the class in the book we were given but not yet assigned to read. I was merely on page 88 at the start of class; half of everyone else is done all ready. I'm on 120 now, I think, and I'll finish tonight because it's good. Our student teacher says that if we all read ahead and finish the book quickly, we can make a movie (either in small groups or in the entire class, we're not sure yet). A movie! Of Slaughterhouse Five! She told us to start writing scripts. I'm envisioning a lot of swirling light, this could be awesome. Especially because all we usually do for a book is write an essay, fill out worksheets, take a few quizes, and listen to our teacher drone on and on about whatever he feels like "relating" to the book that day. I'm really looking forward to it, especially since I have two weeks till the next research paper component is due.

I hate homework
This research report should die. Painfully. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And it probably wasn't very smart of me to go shopping with my sister this afternoon (I got a nice pair of earrings for $5, and a really cool purse for $10), instead of working on the notecards. And I was maybe the slightest bit rude to my father when he asked me to go check the mileage on all of the cars. But he never really needs me to do things like that, he just feels some sort of need to boss me around. And being that I was only out in the living room to make sure we weren't eating dinner anytime soon so I would have enough time to research online, I really did not need him to give me a makework task. Gah. I will be very happy once it is June and I no longer have this crap to do.

I love this song
This completely describes me right now. I love Vienna Teng.

Hope on Fire
by Vienna Teng

gotta fight gotta strike
'cause there's no turning away
from what you don't want to know
gotta see gotta be
if they're all going astray
don't let them take you in tow

you're a one-man shift in the weather
you're the woman who just won't sell
climbing up and ringing the bell

ooh you're gonna make your mark this time
ooh you're gonna set your hope on fire

gotta leave gotta bleed
you've gotta stop lying still
'cause this is no kind of life
you don't need guarantees
you just want something to build
before you turn to the knife

when the streets are aflood like a fever
it's a holiday of the new
we're coming closer now to the truth

gotta move gotta choose
you've got a difference to make
don't watch it happen again
gotta change rearrange
something's bending to break
it's just a matter of when

http://www.viennateng.com/discography/

weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
I was just on a message board, and I was looking at everyone's sigs. I now have a new quote:
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird."
Yup, I feel very special for making that up now (I mangeled someone else's quote). And it perfectly describes me. I should tatoo that on my head, way too many people have been on my back about how smart I am lately (my math teacher, the girl who sits in front of me in math, pretty much everyone else in my math class, the people who sit around me in physics, some of my friends). It's actually kinda getting on my nerves, because people except things from you when you are smart.
Also, my favorite shoes died today. I was at the mall with my parents for some reason, and my father stepped on my shoe and ended up ripping it off my foot. I had to go up to The Right Start where my sister works and beg some packing tape (how sad, they had no duck tape) off of her to fix my shoe enough so it would stop falling off my foot. I'm really sad too, because they were the blue ones with zippers I got two years ago that I'll never see again. But I shouldn't be too sad, because I bought a pair of sneakers yesterday (I figured after 3 or so years of avoiding sneakers, it was time for a change). And they're pretty nice, and they are blue. So hopefully I will be able to move past my grief from this tragic loss.
One more thing:
I went to the Best of B-burg dinner last night, and my dad was one of the honorees. It was pretty cool, except P was there to do the flag ceremony with some other Girl Scouts, and she acted like such a b*th when I went over to say hello. Yup, she's such a great friend. But I had dessert that had chocolate in it, which was really realy yummy. Although I'm still pretty hyper. Oh well.

Why do people have to change?
It would be so much easier if they didn't. And I know I'm being unfair, because I've changed a ton in the past 3 or so years. I know that it's just part of being a teenager. But I don't even seem to know some people anymore. And I think people have stopped telling me things. I don't know why, because I never tell what they don't want me to, and I only would if I thought they were suicidal or homicidal or something. I can tell when something's wrong, but I can't help unless you tell me (S and B, I'm talking to you among others).
Among happier things, I really really really like this CD I'm listening to, it's perfectly wonderful.

random stuff i felt like writing
The Good: My grandma complimented me last night. I'm talking about the grandmother who relentlessly criticizes my every move and then chastises me for having low self-esteem. First she complimented me on my outfit, which was nice even if it didn't make me glow. Then she told me that a year ago she never would have considered me of leader quality, but now she would. She went on for a bit on how I've matured so nicely, and stopped being so shy. It was nice, I went pink with pleasure. I'm not sure it's true, but that's ok, because it's nice to know that my grandma doesn't think of me in completely negative terms. And my other grandma lent me this CD by Vinenna Teng, and it's super good. I was singing along to the chorus of the first song even before I finished listening to it for the first time.

The Bad:
I've been paranoid again lately. I hate these moods. I also hate being stressed due to my evil history project and my english crap. A few people have commented on my mood too, which is always bad. And I'm worried about a bunch of people: friends that I think are cutting, the fact that no one's talked to one of my friend's since Friday even though I was supposed to see her Saturday (and I know her grandfather's been having problems...), the way another one of my friend's has been under a ton of stress lately, plus her bf basically just dumped her for a really stupid reason. And of course, I'm always worried about my friends, all of them (not that I have *that* many, but still). I just want everyone to get through the year without any more mental breakdowns, and I want B's brother to stop being a jackass, and I want two certain people to either date or get over it already. I seriously feel like I'm back in middle school, this is ridiculous to have this much crap going on between friends in high school. And of course there are the people I don't go to school with. I'm also on my period, which probably explains the mood (gah, I'm afraid of going to a woman's college, just imagine 2000 women all having PMS at the same time).

bad day(s)
Lar and her new best friend R are really really annoying me. It took awhile, but I finally managed to get over the fact that Lar OUTED ME AGAINST MY WILL and TOLD LIES ABOUT ME and TOLD PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT ME to other people. Haha, so maybe not. But I stopped obbsessing over it. And now I hear that Lar and R are having fun discussing my friends and me; apparently they call me "Les" (how creative), and Lar has decided that Brie, who she barely knows, is "naive." Uh huh. Yup, I so value their opinions. But I was in a bad mood yesterday anyway because of them. And today P basically told me she thinks I'm the only one at the lunch table who is naive (oh thanks). Just because I don't curse every fifth word or go to parties or experiment with drugs or alchohol or sex, I'm naive. I might not know the exact sensation of getting drunk, but I really don't think it's that important. Out of all of the people I eat lunch with, I know the most about random outside world things. True, knowing the legal definition of rape and voting regulations in Australia probably aren't what most people consider when they consider world knowledge. But I was still a bit peeved to be called naive, when I'm no more naive than anyone I eat lunch with (I'm a bit naive, but so is everyone else). And then some idiot guy on the bus who doesn't even know me asked me how I became a lifeguard in a really snotty tone of voice (he works at the y and he saw me there). I said something amazingly stupid, but followed it up with something good ("It's not like it's that hard. I mean, you passed it") if slightly mean. But I was really really angry at him and some other bus idiots when I got home. Also to add to my stressed out day, Stina got worried when she saw my hands after English class (she has English in the same room right after me, so we often talk for a minute). I'd been taking notes with a pencil, so my hands smudged against the graphite and looked bruised, like they would if I slammed them against a hard surface a ton of times. She was relieved when I told her what it was, she told me she was just making sure I wasn't "self-mutilating" (I hate that term), which made me feel really weird and self-concious and a bit like a liar.

new year's eve
I wasn't really looking forward to new year's. I didn't have plans, and I was just going to stay home alone again like last year. But my grandma called the other day, and, because her friend Inez's sister isn't coming, she's invited me to go to New York with her. They're leaving Tuesday and going to a bunch of concerts and staying in a nice hotel and leaving Thursday. I'm babysitting all day Tuesday, but my sister is going to take the train with me to NYC Wednesday morning (I'm happy I don't have to try and go alone, I could probably do it but then I've got such a terrible directional sense that I'd be likely to get lost) and I'll meet them there. I think I can stand missing the Metropolitan Opera, but I'm majorly excited about the rest of it. Hehe, it's probably a little pathetic to be so excited, but I really can't wait. I've never spent the night in NYC before, and I'll get to go to a concert or two, and we might even go to Times Square. Plus, as I'm babysitting for about 9 hours tomorrow, I'll have some money to spend too. And I've got stuff planned for the rest of vacation too, so everything should work out nicely.