My loveletter to nobody..

My loveletter to nobody..

:: 2008 11 February :: 9.58pm

R E S P E C T

Though I feel completely humiliated and disrespected I place that smile across my face like I actually think your funny, like your jokes and your sarcastic humor actually humors me in the slightest. I'm sick of feeling like the bad guy, like I'm the only one that feels this complete distaste for you. I put up with you for one person only and I'm begining to wonder if I should even do it for them. Perhaps I should begin to do things for myself and give the rest of the world the finger in return for their responces. I make myself sick, everytime I look into the mirror and realize how truely fake I am. How fake I can be. I do have respect for you but in return of making myself respect you my insides blacken and a horrible ashy taste settles in my mouth.

These feelings I've truely tried to get over. I've tried to repress them until I can no longer see straight. I'm shaking while writing this knowing that people are going to be reading this and find out how I'm truely truely feeling. Streams of tears are cascading downwards, I hate this feeling, I hate it. I didn't want to feel this way about anyone, ever but I do. I'd love to crawl into a hole until I was sure everyone I knew was gone. Cowardly I know but its so hard for me to face people that I know care for me and I'm revealing my true feelings.

I'm glad I have some friends that I know I can say anything to and even if they were mad at me they'd always be there for me. And for that I truely do appreciate them but it is so so hard for me to say any of this. My heart feels like it stopped beating and I have been holding my breathe, I just realized.

I can't stand to be fake anymore, I really can't.
It can't be healthy.

So if anyones cut from my life don't be all to shocked, though you will be surprised at who it may be. I just can't take the stress anymore. I'm sorry I really am. But in a way I am not. In a way I'd feel more so free. And I'll probably end up losing more than just that one person.

Because friends are like dominos - After you knock one down many tumble down with them.

10 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 7 February :: 9.15pm

I wonder around a small two bedroom apartment looking at the patched holes in the walls and the smoke fog hovering in the middle of the living room. A smile stretches across my face, I see Bizzy crashed out on the couch from the night before. I caught myself standing there remoncing when he woke up and stretched saying "Good morning Hun". I make my voice soft, I can tell when he has a super bad hangover and this morning was one of those days. He reached his hand out for mine and asked me if I enjoyed myself last night and I smiled and said always. This is how we usually start our mornings, that and alot of coffee and cleaning. I laughed when I stepped into the kitchen because the small pyramid that we began setting up was now three feet tall in the middle of the kitchen. It surprised me that only 3 people could create that big of a beer pyramid in that short of a time, but hey I guess when we party we party like rockstars. :D
We watched some t.v and then he had to go back to bed. And then I convinced Stephie that it was time to get ready for work, so about 45 min. later we took off and after dropping her off at work I went home to take a snooze. That snooze lasted until around 6ish, sleeping the day away. When Hilly told me that tomorrow was Friday I was completely amazed.

Thank God for snowdays! :D

Otherwise I would have shown up to school in the clothes I was wearing yesterday and smell like booze and smoke. Yeah, and a little drunk. So yeah, totaly thankful for snowdays! Danny also called me up last night so apparently I wasn't the only one drinkin' but we all knew that we wouldn't have school - I heard the principal say we weren't gonna have any. So I made sure Danny knew this morning at 7 o'clock that school was cancelled. I'm surprised he could understand me through the slurs. I'm not a good morning person to begin with so a drunk morning person, totaly not a good conversationalist ( did I make that word up?) but hey it works. :D

Yeah so that is my update on the life of Alicia. By the way I'm scared to death of driving to Rockford tomorrow, if anyone knows how the roads are doing, like highway wise I'd love to know. Even if your just telling me Rockford road crap I'd really really like to hear it.
Thanks yall

4 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 5 February :: 9.44pm

I love You - But I'm Not In Love With You
He spoke the words loud, they echoed through my mind yet it didn't hurt. I didn't feel the loss of 3 years and a lost child, it was just words now. Words that I knew should have been spoken a long time ago. A broken engagement, a broken promise, a broken heart, a broken future. I suffered for about five minutes, and then just went to bed, with him sleeping quietly next to me. I remember the day I met him and laughing, I remember the day I told him he was my only one, that he would be the only one. It's funny how memories are like sand you can hold it in your hands but then eventually it blows away or drops back onto the beach, only a few specks remain glued to your hands, in the creases where its hard even for you to get them out.
I find myself interested in other people, but knowing that I cannot obtain them, its something that I've learned to do, to settle for who I think I can get that will be good for me. My heart will mend and is mending as we speak. Though words did not affect me the past 1 1/2 years have. I'm learning to love myself again and find that I have things that I'm actually interested in.

And I'm also realizing right now that my allergy to dust is far more worse than I thought.

So I look upon the person that I'm now attracted to and wonder if I'm ready and if I know I'm worth it.
He's wonderful, a little uptight, a little intimidating if you don't know him like I do, and a little bit like everything I've ever looked for in a guy.

Wow

I totally don't know if I'm ready to find this guy, but hey he found me, litteraly he told me that he wanted to join my school and worked his ass off to get in there. And now he is. :D

7 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 31 January :: 5.43pm

Worst Day Ever
Today started out just fine.

Danny and I ran out early to get some breakfast before school, but we only ended up getting coffee and orange juice due to his hangover. We cruised around town for awhile until school started.

In first hour I joked around with some random guy that was sittning next to me because he had 'sexual relations' with a very very very hideous girl...Seriously she's a monsterous woman.

Second hour I zoned out listening to Kirsten and Danny go on and on about crazy memories

Third hour I watched a really cool movie in science

Then work.....

I worked for 4 hours and then only made 8cents because of my stealing boss. She'd been caught before stealing tips but I was ignorant and didn't think she'd do it to me.

Drove part of the way home and realized that I left my bag at work

Dropped off my car at the shop and then dropped my phone in a snowbank and didn't realize it until I was over two miles away

Realized that my ATM card and License annnd my SScard was missing

Called Macatawa bank to see if any transactions were made
(only the one I made this morning)

Cancelled my card

Sobbed out of anger

Then I asked my dad why God keeps shitting on me, I don't like it.
He hates me

God Hates Me

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 25 January :: 11.08pm

Everyone Lend Me Your Ears!

I know I want to go platnium blonde, but I'm not sure, undertones, one streak? I don't know. I'm going to the salon tomorrow to talk to my stylist about it but I want my friends input. I've never actually had blonde or white and I've been wanting it for a long ass time now. So I guess I'm open to anyones suggestions, I'm totaly ready for somethin' crazy.

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2008 24 January :: 12.41am

I'm begining to come to terms with myself. I've learned last year that no one can live a perfect life, but its a life non the less and I intend on making the best of it. I've also come to terms with the fact I am a drug addict and that I cannot change over night. I've been sleeping my days away lately to keep myself from self destructing but I honestly think I just need to get out of the damn house. I work I come home, wait up for Thaddeus, we go to bed, I wake up in the morning, crawl over Thaddeus, get ready, go to school, come home, sleep, get ready, kiss Thaddeus goodbye, go to work. It goes on like that now everyday. I think I'm just making myself go crazy with these planned days, damn OCD. If one thing isn't in order I flip, but I'm in a way an oxymoron because I can't stand rituals. So tomorrow and Friday I mixing life up with a party to relieve some stress.

I've been reliving some terrible memories this past week that I had hoped I repressed last year but I guess its something I need to learn to deal with day to day now. It's sad that I put myself into positions like I have. I haven't made the wisest desitions in my life but I can only hope that I will learn from my mistakes.

On a good note, I'm getting a HOUSE! That's right me Alicia Marie Winningham the 1st is getting a house with Thaddeus John Gamez! WOOO! We'll be moving in as soon as we find one. Hahaha. Nah Thad's living with me right now until we find a house. Of course he had to have bad credit. Stupid mexican. You gotta love him though. I'm so excited, awww man I just thought about the fact I don't have a car.... I was about to get a 68 mustang coupe for 2g's but then I called on it a day to late and it was sold. Sad really it was candy apple red and had leather interior. I am really going to miss that car. That car I never really got to drive...Okay so I wont miss it that much but I'll miss the idea of maybe being able to own a car like that, or maybe even being able to drive it. You know I can drive it 'cause I have a license. That's right, I know your jelous. Get over yourself and just be happy for me would ya?

Man I'm having mood swings.

Lets see....

So ugh Valentines day is coming up soon...
Yeah.....
Don't like that day....
Thaddeus's head isn't screwed on all the way so he forgets things easily.
I really like the idea of it all though...
I also like flowers...

Man I'm thirsty.

I need a drink

There's banging in the kitchen and I'm the only one home....I'm such a puss. :(

A thirsty puss....

Wish me luck I'm going into the haunted kitchen *goulish noises*

2 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2007 8 December :: 12.01am

Its been about a month and a half now, Christina's getting better and my life is slowly returning to normal. Her seziures put my life on hold for what seems like a long time now. I feel bad because I had to cancel a lot of things that I was going to do with old friends, but instead I sat in the E.R with my little sister. I don't regret it a bit and when I explain to my friends what has been going on I'm sure they'll understand. It's funny how as soon as things look up another thing has to happen. God really has been throwing me curve balls lately. My Popa Noam is at Spectrum right now with a blockage in his heart. He'll be going under the knife tomorrow morning, if my memorie suits me right. I've gotten a letter from Josh, its good to hear he's doing well. Even though Michelle doesn't want us talking, he doesn't seem to car. As long as I send him letters he'll write me back. It means a lot to me and I know it means alot to him. If I were in his position I'd want letters. *sigh* Man I need to get out of Holland. I think I'm going to rent a house in G.R the slum area and not let anyone know I'm there. Yeah that sounds like a plan to me. :D

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2007 23 October :: 10.13pm

The Begining of the End

I have just returned from surrendering to N.A today. I've realized I've been going to at least one meeting a day, if not two. I'm proud but ashaimed. The subject tonight was hard and I wish I would have spoken. I'm so sick of hearing the same old problems day after day, night after night. I can only tell the same people the same old answers for so long until I sit back and tell them that they just have to deal with their own problems, and I'll listen but only if its something new.
My hearts broken and I want to go back to old habbits, but hey I almost got my thirty days clean why waste it? Yet the only thing I feel like I can show for it is a damn key chain and what does that do for me? I don't even have keys. What I wouldn't give for a pill or some nice liquor right now. *sigh* But I feel like I can't call the same people anymore because of their own issues....they seem so much greater than mine and they probably don't care that much about my own....I don't know they say that they do but I've had it implanted in my mind that there is no possible way that could be true. Maybe I need to get a grip on myself and my distructive thinking, I need to quit being so complacent. I need to stop, but I don't seem to have enough strength on my own to do it...but I'm not alone, I just make myself that way I guess....
Who knows what will happen.
Maybe in the morning I'll feel better
Maybe in the morning I'll forget this feeling of helplessness
Maybe in the morning the devil will be starring me in the face
Or God will prevail and show me that I can do this, and he's there

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2007 24 August :: 4.28pm

I'm finally moving up, I've gotten a house, a stable job and a new internship that I should be starting if not this year then next for sure. I'm really exited to be doing something with myself, something new that I haven't yet experienced. I'm proud of myself for once for taking matters in my own hands. I'm finally doing something for the benifit of me and my future child. :D I'm proud. Its good to be able to say that.

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2007 17 August :: 11.55pm

Well well well

It seems much has changed and some parts of the transition between depressed and clinging onto something I didn't have and letting go, getting over, and realizing though I'm still lonely its nowhere near the lonelieness I felt that year. Its much better now.
I've fallen for someone that I can never ever have, and he tells me of a long lost love coming back into his life the day after he confesses his love for me. And I'm left in the dark yet again. I want to talk to him, and be near him but I know it cant be. It could never. Ever.
I'm stuck in a house with people I don't want to be around and people I'm dying around because of the daily lie I spill.
Hate me, and realize who I've become. Hate me, and make me feel better. Hate me because I'm selfish, and I want to feel a release. Hate me.

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..