Confessions of a Blonde Boarder

Confessions of a Blonde Boarder

:: 2005 28 March :: 8.50pm

So the future isnt bright. my nephews an idoit and i keep putting this test off. i just need to get it over with. ok so i need my ass on track. 6 weeks left i think i might be slipping i need to hold on its still school i still have to work.

Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 27 March :: 7.29pm

Family was tolerable for the first time ever today i just like totally couldnt beilive it was happening i loved my family today and everything about them. o and my brother caught a bunny in the yard he fucking tackled it and then brought it in the house and it was a fucking albino, with the red eyes and everything. i couldnt beilive he caught a fucking albino bunny on easter....irony? anyway so he took it home with him and he now as a new pet. but when it was in the house it was like all chilling and not trying to run away so we are pretty sure it was someone elses pet that got loose and that would also explain why it was albino and just running around outside. either way irony on easter makes it funnier and i loved today so much. well peace bitches.

2 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 22 March :: 6.47pm

this is just a summary of everything i have been this past year. stacy brought this to my attention by saying this song reminded her of me. someone put my mysery to song.

meaning is sometimes hard to spot
it begins with the flickering of cigarettes
in the darkness of a dorm room
somewhere in the suffocated mid-west
and if this is real then i was mistaken
and if there is truth then why can't we find it?
beauty comes to those who have been waiting for something
bigger than themselves
this is the sound of the hopeless kids
as they scream from the basements of the houses of their parents
and this is the sound of the hopeless ones
as they stare down at their books
and realize they have been lied to
but if this is real then i was mistaken
and the vision was gone then i was not aware
consistency like that which i have craved
is that people change so unexpectedly
and realization finds you in a drunken airport
some planes depart and others never arrived
so with this in mind i don't plan on waiting
if its time to leave and break these old ties
without something else this vision is fading
but until its gone the pain will make us try
but this is the hope
i have been searching for
as the wings catch the sunlight of this cold Nebraska skyline
this is the dream i am dying in
i will wake to find tomorrow
be content without perfection
but if this is real then i was mistaken
and if the vision is gone then i was not aware

1 Jigger! | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 21 March :: 5.55pm

Everyone that i have met ive left some kind of an imprint on. big or small they wont forget what i left them with. but i just want to know what things would be like if i werent around. if 1)i had never been born 2) i died tommrow. just what would go down?

9 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 21 March :: 12.19am

Is this the end? Is this the start of something bigger, much bigger? I don't know and thats what scares me. I really wish for it to be the begining of something greater than highschool. that black wooden floor held endless memories for me and it caught alot of tears for me over the past two years. ill really miss it but i just i need someone to tell me that theres more to come and reasurrance from people whose opions i respect make me feel better so i know that im not a bad actor. but for fucks sake im no mel gibbson. i mean right now id same im above david spade. which isnt hard to do.

4 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 15 March :: 11.56pm

Stacy, I Love You.

3 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 14 March :: 9.16pm

this just kinda came out on to the notepad like i fucking threw up. i dont know if im looking for feed back or not i mean i didnt edit it i didnt make it into a song or poem or story or anything so i guess just say what it means to you or your favorite line or most hated line.

as the corener kneels underneath the shadow
of a huge steel cross above the door
of a huge metal church he sheds a tear at the thought
of there being things worse than death to hold us down.
addiction and love.
faith and loss thereof.
the minister bends by side of the majestrate
and they begin to slowly comptenplate
possible solutions to the problem of the future
and how to stop us from becoming empty inside
the shells we walk around inside of are completly raw
we've run dry of life, feeling is an option
the drugs that we've chosen are becoming
far to rapidly available no longer a treat
no longer a break from the world and retreat to islands in our heads
the poison we pump becomes free.
a title to wear to work and home and then back and back and back again.
this book that im writing is feeling very dull
with a white cover and bleached pages the words that i write are in a pen the ink colored white
the title and the meaning feel so
fake and forced so out of love so done and thought over
remind me of what im doing
because im wondering myself
is this mission of life and living
or is it of hard times and delivering
the pain onto someone elses shoulders
with the thought of waking in hospital
with a parent staring out the window
blank exspression on her and or his face.
prefixes and pronouns they seem useless.
yet terribly over used.
names are useless and we are still
tag and titled.
the minister and the mourner are standing by a table
a body lies cold under the sheets we have there pulled
to cover eyes of a once beating sinner and gather round a table
to heat a cold run out t.v. dinner
with silence filling the air broken now and then by waves of
dispute of what watch not what think
for the thought of conversation makes want to cry.
i cant beilive anyone would leave us here to ponder about having
thoughts of own and a heart beat out of sync with the clan
and the hand of the man brings me down to level to rot.

3 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 13 March :: 10.11pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: The Dresden Dolls

Stupid Quiz
Firsts:
1. First best friend: Jerm.

2. First car: Oldsmobile 88

3. First real kiss: Never had one

4. First self purchased album: Blink 182 - Take Off Your Pants And Jacket

5. First funeral: Grandfathers

6. First pet: Wiskers

7. First piercing/tattoos: Dont Have Any

8. First Credit Card: Fuck That Plastic Money Shit

9. First big trip: Virgina

10. First music you remember hearing in your house: Some Kinda Country

LASTS:
1. Last cigarette: Like 2 or 3 weeks ago

2. Last car ride: From Work

4. Last good cry: 2 Days ago

5. Last library book checked out: Darwin - Survial Of The Fittest

6. Last movie seen in theatres: Darkness (sucked)

8. Last food consumed: Sun Flower Seeds

9. Last crush: Raychel

10. Last phone call: Stacy

11. Last time showered: After Work

12. Last shoes worn: Work Shoes

13. Last item bought: Lighter

15. Last time wanting to die: Last Night

16. Last time scolded: Today At Work

17. Who are your best friends: Stacy, Jay

18. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: No

19. Last person you talked to: Kate

SPECIFICS:
1. Do you do drugs: No

2. What kind of shampoo do you use: Suave

3. What are you most scared of: Missing Out On Something

4. Where do you want to get married: Anywhere In The Rain

5. What are you listening to right now: The Dresden Dolls

6. How many buddies are online: 9

7. What would you change about yourself: My Weight, And My Nose

FAVORITES:
1. Colors: Blue and Green

2. Foods: Orange Chicken

3. Girl names: Tara, Christen, Kate, Stacy

4. Boys names: Kevin, James, Zackary

5. Subject in school: Drama

6. Sports: FUck That

7. Perfume: Celine Dion (lol)

8. Cologne: Axe - Apollo

HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Given anyone a bath: yes

2. Smoked: yes

3. Bungee jumped: no

5. Skinny dipped: no

6. Been in love: yes

7. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yes

10. Cried when someone died?: yes

11. Lied: yes

12. Fallen for your best friend: yes

13. Been rejected: yes

14. Rejected someone: yes

15. Used someone: yes

16. Done something you regret: DUH!

CURRENT:
1. Clothes: Dark Green cargo pants and a dark green shirt with the jungle book logo and white socks

2. Music: The Dresden Dolls - The Jeep Song

3. Make-up: Dont wear it (on sundays lol)

4. Annoyance: Fish Tank Filter

5. Smell: Roses

6. Favorite artist: Death Cab For Cutie

7. Desktop picture: Aqua Teen Hunger Force Dead Bodies And Angels

8. Book you're reading: Confidential Confessions - Installment 5

9. Cd in player: The Dresden Dolls

ARE YOU:
1. Understanding: All the time

2. Open-minded: Totally

3. Arrogant: sometimes

4. Insecure: About certain things

5. Interesting: yes

6. Hungry: no

7. Smart: ???

8. Moody: yees

9. Hardworking: yes

10. Organized: no

11. Healthy: yes

12. Shy: no

13. Attractive: FUCK YEAH!!!

14. Bored easily: yes

15. Responsible: no

16. Obsessed: no

17. Angry: yes

18. Sad: yes

19. Disappointed: yes

20. Happy: no

21. Hyper: no

22. Trusting: yes

23. Talkative: yes yes yes so i was talking to this guy on the street BLAH BLAH BLAH

1 Jigger! | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 12 March :: 12.23am

well i am hoping i dont have to delay yokos homecoming but it looks like i might well hopefully within the next 3-4 weeks ill raise enough money for a new tank....im not putting yoko in the old fish tank its so fucking nasty man. EWWWW. well thanks to stacy. and jenni more over. welcome home soon yoko lol. you can tell im bored when i make updates like this.

3 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 8 March :: 6.53pm

JENNY ROCKS!!!
So anyway jenny is going to give me a pet mouse which is fucking bomb cause she is bomb and all in all we are just a big bomb collection of people who are like totally bomb!!! so WHAT SHOULD I NAME THE MOUSE??? PLEASE LEAVE YOUR SUGGESTIONS HERE

16 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 1 March :: 10.52pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Nina Hagen - 99 Red Balloons {Techno Remix}

Sitting Down After Forty Feet Of Air, Toxin, Might, and sorrow
Ok, something has happened here. I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I've gotten myself into alot of thigns and im drowning myself... I don't really know what to do to sort everything out. but i guess ill start by talking to all of you who read this waste of a journal... you might not care whats going on in my life but well i just need to sort things out and this is about the only place i feel connected to the world and the people who are in the town that causes my confusion. 1)I got into this play with expectations of a fun and wonderful time along side the ability to make people smile. I am having the hardest time learning all the dances so if i look like a douche on stage thats ok i wont fucking care. The songs are coming along ok, I'm starting to not be terrified of my own voice, or what any dumb muck things of it. The lines are coming along horrible, but thats cause im not studying like i should be. I just go out and hang with my friends even though i know i should be staying home and studying my god damn lines. SO, conclusion here to problem number one is...read the entire script at least twice every day no matter what you are doing that day. Focus harder on the dance moves, ask Mrs. Kerkofv to give me her notes on my moves. OK PROBLEM ONE SORTED OUT (wow just that much felt really fucking great). 2) Work. I can't stand my job because my manager makes me feel like a worthless peice of shit and i just take it like a little bitch cause my father raised me like that, even though deep in my heart i want to stand up to her and let her know what she does. I don't get enough hours and the time they give me always conflicts with my free time on the weekends, which is the only time i have to spend the meisly ammount of money i get. I always over spend myself and dont know how to budget my money. i either buy shit i dont need or drive all over the fucking world when i know i dont have the gas for it. SO solution to problem 2 is...get a new fucking job. when i apply for this new job make sure that i ask for a certain ammount of hours per week and at least 6.25 an hour to begin with because i will be turning 18 and 18 year olds need to make at least 6 dollars and hour i think it is. i will also make sure that on the weekends i only work morning hours so that i will have anytime after 5 pm free for spending my money and free time with the people i love that keep me alive with precious social contact. I will also start budgeting myself more and begin to realize how much i need certain things and how easy it would be to go on living without other things. 3) The Band. well this rag tag collection of pathetic people isnt producing anything but a bunch of messed up sounds that smash into one another. and i cant memorize the words to the song cause i keep mixing them all up with the music from the musical and my lines from the play and i cant stand the noise anymore. PLUS we never fucking practice cause nobody wants to practice during the weekday. and nobody is ever free on the weekends and nobody even bothers to contact one another and everyone has their own conflict about something smaller. "i dont like the name lets change it" "cant we play a different song" "can i make this part different than the orignal song". SO the way to fix problem three is...either i drop out of the band and tell them to do it themselves it shouldnt be that hard to find a better vocalist than me i mean come the fuck on dude. OR i tell them i cant do the talent show cause its too much stress on me already with everything else going on in my life and just continue playing after the musical and everything is over. 4) Dad. My father hates me 70% of the time and fucking loves me the other. i dont know how he is or what the fuck happens in his head have the time im confused. i cant say anything around him without getting yelled at. i mean my heart hurts just coming home anymore im just terrified of being yelled at or something. SO solution to problem 4... i dont fucking know someone tell me... 5) School. I really dont understand anything thats happening in chemistry. basically thats my only concern with school. chemistry is starting to scare the fuck out of me. i just cant catch on to most of the topics and shit i take notes read the chapters attempt to do the homework and still fail the tests. SO solution. get outside help stay afterschool with Mr. J also try doing extra work in the back of the book when im doing other homework and finish early. 6) My Heart. I think im starting to like someone who dosent have the ability to like me back....(same old story of everyone in the world right?) so i dont know if i should pursue it and watch what happens or just let it go and hope some one else comes around within the next 45-56 years. SO solution to this. fucking go for it i mean it can only hurt for a little while right. nothing hurts forever. 7) So Called Friends. I think ive been making friends with people im growing to hate. certain people well only 2 people i want to stop being friends with for my own personal benefit. but i dont know how to go about this. SO solution. fucking deal with them you know just let them act as if they like me and i like them then in about 50 days i graduate and they never have to see me again you know. well thanks for reading all my lifes bullshit. it felt really good to organize this all out thanks for listening even if it was with deaf ears. it still helped. have any suggestions then comment bitches lol i love you all so fucking much i really hope u know that.

6 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 28 February :: 8.05pm
:: Mood: You Know Whatever
:: Music: The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone

Dieing At 40 Ounces
So, I've noticed its really easy to say "i love you". the phrase its self is losing all meaning. i mean its become such a general term that no one gives its use a second thought you know? Its also come to my attention that if you throw it out there enough you can almost feel its true, as in i love you, i love you, i love you. that means that im forcing myself to beilive that the statement is true. and when someone says that they love you. you cant tell what they mean. your first impression is a platonic love (friendship) so you toss the thought of it right out the window and carry on with your day. but in a relationship the meaning seems to be a little stronger. if i say to your face as i hold you tightly in the cold snow and wind and say to the back of your head as we shiver together "god i love you so fucking much", then it might have some kind of affect. but usally it gets thrown away. but when people use the term like its a sheild. i dont want to be in this relationship but im desperate for a relationship so ill say "i love you" that will keep my partner here and me happy. i wont have to actually love him or her i will just have to say that everyonce in a while and as long as we dont fight we dont even have to hold hands let alone sit next to eachother. see its all ok as long as you say "i love you". so we keep saying it over and over. half the time we dont mean. and if we did then wouldnt we say something else. but as for all of you reading this i do "love you" as friends i mean i dont think i would be alive if it werent for my life support system of friends. they make me smile. and the ones that ask "whats wrong" or "why are you sad, tell me whats the matter" LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE IM NOT GOD DAMN SAD I JUST DONT WANT TO FUCKING SMILE 24 FUCKING 7 TO SHOW YOU THAT I AM HAPPY ASS HOLES!!!!!. so if im crying you can ask whats wrong. if im not...then im good. thanks anyway i like to do things i shouldnt much love.

5 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 27 February :: 9.30pm
:: Music: Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out

This Is How Its Supposed To Be.
the alarm clock is going off but im not getting up, the sound of it just seeps into my dream as i slumber deep into the afternoon. My body wakes me up at half past 2 and i take a nice warm shower get dressed in my favorite shorts a nice black shirt and an over jacket/windbreaker. i go to my car open the door and smell the warm fibers on the seats and the sweet aroma of vanilla from an airfreshener in the back. I start the car, full tank of gas, turn up the music, put on my sunglasses, throw back my summer scarf, roll down every window and smell the summer breeze as it mixes with the scent coming from the back of the car and the music making the most wonderful melody of scent ever. soon enough i have a car full of friends and a tank full of gas. we just drive down the open dirt, highway, expressway roads anywhere we can just singing to a cd with nothing but songs we all know the words too. darkness comes and we stop in a cool feild to lay in the grass, faces to the stars, hearts to the wind. lieing there just existing under the black sky and the sound the crickets make feels like being drunk, or high. its such a joyus and almost fake feeling. i mean this is how its supposed to be.

1 Jigger! | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 22 February :: 5.40pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Jamiroquai - Canned Heat

Wow This bitch Is Illiterate
This is a letter TYPED to me and my two brothers from my mother. I typed it out here JUST like she sent it to me...commas and periods words spelled just like she had them everything exact. Enjoy HAHA.

To start out this is a letter to my three sons , james, Ryan, Matthew, they are the reason aim wring ting this . I was a very young mom and tried to do the wring things as a mother. I made some very bad chooses along the way, but being a mother was the bet choice I ever made , it was hard some time and i gave up a lot of my self to them and I will always be happy when I look back in years to come to my sons and hope that they also do the things for there children that at the time feel right to them. I hope that some day you one on one will take the time to try to come to some understanding about the chooses that I have made in the past year. I hope you will if only ones talk to me and let me try and answer your questions I will . Yes I have told a lot of lies and am more then sorry for that but I can't take that back I can try to help you to understand the lies by only telling you the true , even if it will hurt because some time ,the true will hurt and so if you want to hear every thing then please ask I will tell it. and I will tell you every thing that you want to know . Do I miss my family more then words could ever say the pain I have on a daily bases is more then I can take some days. This has been the greeted pain I have ever had in my life , I thought the lots of my father was bad, this pain is all day and some time all night long but I did this to myself I blame no one but me. , I miss the fun time and the bad time because we were always there as a family and i have no one to blame but myself. I hope that you will take the time to read this letter it come from my heart if I could take away all the pain that I have put everyone thought I would , but I cant I wish I would have done this any other way the but the way I did but i cant take that back and I will have to live with that for ever. Please rember that you also will do things in the years to come that you will look back on and say why in the hell did I do that , but life some times is not always what we want or think it should be. I do hope that you will please call me so we can talk this out and try to rebuild are mother and sons relsonship.

Well im sure you enjoyed that little bit of complete and udder idoicy. I'll post later with a edit to this that shows my veiws on certain parts of the letter lol so check back, but for now enjoy how fucking stupid she is. lol. whore.

7 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!

tails

:: 2005 21 February :: 10.22pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes - The Calender Hung Itself

Smile With Me. Just Try It.
See i told someone that things would work out. Things have a way of falling to peices and burning your fingers as you try so hard to put them back together. but once you got it together you notice there are still peices missing. im finding those missing pieces. that makes me smile alot. and hell you know what some of the old peices are starting to go (you know the ones with the old wrinkled cardboard corners). well my puzzle is coming together. can i ask you all something. if your mother is insane and your father dosent like you and your brother is just the biggest snoop and dick in the world. what do you do with yourself ? i mean ive been good so far. and stacy i miss you. what did i do stacy? what did i do?

2 Jigger!s | Jig The Gap!