The Destroyer

The Destroyer

:: 2013 8 November :: 3.19pm

It's Friday! And my boss taught me a new acronym:

FOIF

Fuck off it's Friday. It's my new favorite!

I get the keys to my apartment today! After, there will be waffles and booze with teh lala and Laura! Whoop!!

friend?

godessalthena

:: 2013 7 November :: 8.18pm

i love you much (most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
—sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life) the true time of year—
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love

-- e.e. cummings

friend?

godessalthena

:: 2013 6 November :: 6.26pm

Done with my AA program. I'm happy I'm done, but it's pretty underwhelming.

1 friend | friend?

godessalthena

:: 2013 4 November :: 10.25pm

Setting with my first real crush/heart break? Yes, please!!

friend?

godessalthena

:: 2013 4 November :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: aggravated

This essay needs to just fucking write itself. fuck.

I chatted with one of the first boys I never had a huge crush on in my young tween/teen life. He's apparently in a open/poly relationship with an adorable woman and enjoys drawing naked women and smoking weed. It's like.. all my dreams came true haha

It's just weird how people turned out. I feel so lame, living the life I do.

I just wish I had more fun and less responsibility. Or I just didn't worry about being responsible so much. Maybe next weekend I'll just go and do something irresponsible. Maybe that will help.

friend?

alexithymia

:: 2013 3 November :: 2.25pm

Spoke to a counselor at SCC and she says I can retest for my math placement! Refreshing myself with Khans academy. Goal is to make it into at least Pre-Calc. It would be awesome if I could test into Calc I since thats the only one I'm required to take for my Major. If I test into Calc I that means I will only have 6 classes left for my Associates of Biology DTA. Which means I will be done at SCC by next Spring and then I will have 13 classes left at EWU for my Bachelors, unless I take a couple extras at SCC that will transfer directly to EWU ( I have to do a little more investigating in to whether it will or won't)

godessalthena

:: 2013 3 November :: 10.36am

I hate that I'm someone who needs to drink or get high to feel ok with how I am. I hate how depressed I feel despite taking medicine for it. I hate that in order for pills to work, I have to take ones that make me gain weight. I hate that when I gain weight I feel even more insecure about myself, surrounded by friends who are equally as judgmental about their bodies and hateful towards their imperfections.

Really, I am convinced that because I'm fat I'll never be happy. This makes me depressed, which causes me to be ridiculously unmotivated to do anything besides drink and get high, thus adding to the cycle of weight gain.

What makes it even worse is when I was thin, I was still convinced I was fat and undeserving of love. So what's the solution? I've done therapy, pills, weigh loss and gain, religion, no religion. I'm still fucking miserable. The future is looking dismal, and I really don't know what the other option is. Misery or death? Life is a lose-lose people.

On top of these personal struggles, I seem to constantly and consistently hurt and piss off others. Not intentionally, just through doing stuff in my life. I get used by men, I use men. I just hate every aspect of life. Not just mine, but all lives. It all just fucking sucks.

1 friend | friend?

alexithymia

:: 2013 3 November :: 9.24am

Wildlife Rehabilitation.... I think that is now my goal to have that be my career. Finishing up my Associate in Biology DTA at SCC then of to EWU for a Biology and Zoology Major.

godessalthena

:: 2013 2 November :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: Defeated

Most of the time, you just can't win.

friend?

godessalthena

:: 2013 30 October :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: Ravenous

I want to fuck you like an animal.

2 friends | friend?

alexithymia

:: 2013 30 October :: 6.31am

*bundle of nerves* that's me today.

godessalthena

:: 2013 29 October :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: weird

It always makes me feel uncomfortable how normal most of the kids I grew up with turned out..

friend?

godessalthena

:: 2013 29 October :: 3.40pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Idol rambling

I find that the last half an hour to an hour at work, I do next to nothing productive. I just think about what I'll do when I get home. And how excited I am to leave finally.

I often think a about the ice cream I have in the freezer, and I get so excited to eat it, and then I get home and I don't. I think I might like the idea of ice cream more than the act of consuming it, particularly when I'm alone. Maybe that's a metaphor for my life.

I also fantasize about all the people who must be secretly in love with me. It makes me feel happy and giddy, thinking that someday someone will leave me a secretly love note and it'll be an exciting adventure. And then they don't, and I feel like I'm just a weirdo.

It's so fucking cold outside. I hate when it's frigid and windy. But at least I got to wear a Totoro hat to work today! :3

Love,
Mamelia

1 friend | friend?

alexithymia

:: 2013 29 October :: 6.43am

Coffee Shop interview tomorrow. Lets up I can nail it and that my weight doesn't exclude me. It's not a lingerie one just a regular but now days they can be pretty mean to anyone who isn't relatively thin.

On to good news, I appear to have lost 4 lbs, now to just keep decreasing!

godessalthena

:: 2013 28 October :: 8.16pm

I'm so torn on how I feel about humans. And consciousness. And interactions between me and others.

1 friend | friend?

godessalthena

:: 2013 24 October :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: depressed

i've been meaning to write something here for a while. i just have been procrastinating because i hate myself so much.

i have never been good at planning, but lately i've been even worse. i don't even know how i do it. i have like.. no memory what so ever. it's probably because i smoke too much weed, but i just don't think clearly about what my future plans are.

i just hate that i hurt people because i can't fucking figure it out. i ruined 3 weekends with one careless plan slip up.

and people are fucking assholes to me. and i don't feel like i deserve it at all. i feel like i'm doing pretty fucking well and i don't deserve for people to treat me like i'm an asshole.

i hate work. i hate my job. i hate so many things about being in this department. and i feel like it's becoming just my default emotion - hatred. i'm so bitter and cynical and distrusting. i don't fucking trust anyone further than i can throw them. (some people excluded). and i over react emotionally to any slight against me. i have become so sensitive and quick to jump on the opportunity for someone to hate me. its like i enjoy feeling like everyone thinks i'm a fucking creep.

everyone at work? they all think i'm a fucking creep. i have made ONE new friend since i started this position. just one. everyone else? won't even acknowledge me. i haven't even had a meeting with my manager yet, in five months. i just want to scream when i'm there.

i just.. hate today so much. i hate that i am a bad friend, that i'm a bad daughter, that i'm a bad human being. i can't attract anyone to me. i feel so gross, ugly, incompetent, repulsive. i just want to give the fuck up.

2 friends | friend?