mudpiegrl
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2004 28 June :: 10.29pm
are you all happy now?
i talked to him
and just what i thought.
he had nothing to say
but excuses
thats all he ever has.
he doesnt know how to apologize
i dont want to talk to him
but while thats happening
hes talking to my arch nemesis
oh joy, my mother.
shes being such a bitch to me
"im at patrice's" "so?"
"hey, im going to patrices" "whatever."
shes been such a bitch...
probbaly to show she hates that i told neil how horrible it is living with her.
whatever...im leaving.
maybe ill go to...i dont even know.
maybe ill see if sandy is still at wenders.
hopefully jackie isnt there
i didnt want her to know
btw jackie...
dont read my journal.
tahnks. appreciate it.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 28 June :: 9.33am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: shower running through pipes over my head
horoscope
Greetings Virgo
Here is your horoscope for the week of June 28 through July 4
Chances for a meeting with someone special are there for you on Monday, when the Sun trines Uranus. If you have been feeling left out, and drowning in all the social responsibilities you have, then it is time to remedy the situation. You need some excitement and a chance to freak out once in a while. Being so perfect just isn't possible all the time. Venus in your house of career turns direct on Tuesday. Now you can make progress, and use your charm to help the process go even more smoothly.
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sweetyas
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2004 27 June :: 12.14pm
:: Mood: ARG
:: Music: nada
Everything~aint i original
this is an everythign journal entry. talks about things from the past that i dotn wanna forget and things happenign right now. Here we go:
hospital visits: did u know that i went to the hospital like 3 times in a 2 month period (not for myself btu for family members)? Its worse going for family members because ur afraid of what might happen to them. My brother broke his arm, my mother cut herself (not suicidal) and needed stitches (was arguing with my dad and cut her self accidentaly he didnt get his ass up to help her or anything) and then w/my grandpa he had ulcers (the only thing my grandma was worried about is the party she was having the next day).
School: grades came a while ago, very proud of myself
Family: my parents are talking again AND sleeping in the same bed. They had a big blow out fight infrotn of and w/ my grandparents. Yea if u cant tell im sick of dealing with my parents and there fights and wish they would just divorce or stop fighting.
Grandma: this i guess is what hurts me the most. She gets so hurt when my parents fight and im the only person she can talk to and my god is it hard for me to hear her. Shes like they live in AMERICA what the hell do they want? They are so young, they will be old within a few years. Shes gettin sick right now and no one appreciates her, im not saying im better than anyone else but i notice.
Work: my fucking manager yelled at me for working in my mom store, then somehow the big manager guy "finds" out that im workign at my moms store (techs dotn really matter in the big pharmacy world within the pharmacy yea butn ot in the big cvs company so tere was no need for him to be in this) and says i cant work there. So now my mom is a tech short a.k.a. ppl will be pissed off and things wont run smoothly and guess how many hours im getting at my regular store??? 16!!!! yea 32 vs. 16 and i cant even fill in any of those days. ARG. im so asking for a 1 to 2 dollar raise. F him, i was gonna be civil and jsut ask for a regular raise w/e it maybe but now im gonna be a bitch.
Yea tahts all. Isnt life just blissful. im gonna make cupcakes tmro. u guys should come.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 28 June :: 12.03am
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: Morning View
funny...i havent felt this hurt in a long time...
i guess its because he hasnt called
and because he was at jackies all day...
even funnier, there were no other cars there...
i want to cry
but it hurts too much.
i dont wnat you guys to say "im sorry" and all that...
::shrugs::
i appreciate your concern, but i dont wanna feel like this is all for pity...
because i stayed quiet in the car for a long time about it.
i think sandy and patrice knew how upset i was tho.
i didnt even cry during the notebook.
it was a good movie tho...
you should see it.
bring the tissue box.
by the end sandy was sobbing so loud...
lol
im soo happy patrice is back!!!!!
i missed her.
i like hanging out with her and sandy...
they are mucho divertido...the use of spanish was purposeful...divertido
yes.
jackie is whiningabout her ankle
its twisted.
la de fuckin da.
oh look shes on!
sweet dreams all.
g'night.
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toki
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2004 27 June :: 3.06pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: Silence
Doom di doom. The Rice is back. Time to Par-tay. Except not really. North Carolina wasn't terrible. It was kind of funnish. Climbed a 152 foot tall light house. Go me. Got hit on by a 20 year old. Creepy. Rode 6 miles on a bike. Ow. Swam alot. Got sunburned. Bought a pirate doll made out of coconuts.
As exciting as that is, I'm glad I'm home. Except the sun sets there were prettier. The moon is better from here though. I saw a shooting star one night there. It was cool...except Wender ruined it "It's probably just a falling satalite". Thanks dude.
Went to Neil's graduation doo-hickie last night. It was fun. I was just tired beyond belief. And yeah, when I'm tired my bad moods like to show up a bit. So yes. I usually do good at hiding anger and such from friends when we're just all hanging out, but when I'm tired that takes way too much energy. And I'm sorry.
I have to call the movie dude soon about working. I don't want to work. I want to work in a library and shelf books. I don't want to have to sell tickets and meet other employees. But Jill's having an easy time of it, so it can't be too hard. But Jill is ten times better at people skills then I will ever be. She's ten times better at alot of things. So is everyone else. Oh well dudes. I'm used to being second best, second choice. It's fun.
So my dad woke me up at 9am today. I wanted to kill him. And you know it's bad when you wake up angry. Nothing happens and your day already sucks. So Patrice is trying to not be angry anymore. As hard as it is to believe, Patrice is a very angry little person. And anger leads to bad things. Like yelling and hitting of siblings and walls and getting even more angry at stupid little things. And hitting walls hurts like hell. And yelling at people who just happen to get in the way ruins friendships and familyships.
Do any of my readers have anger issues? If so, how do you deal with your anger? Because my methods don't seem to work.
Hmm...ks. Time to go do something with my life. Bye.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 27 June :: 12.51am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: the fierce beating of my heart
fucking boys!
so neils party was today...and it was fun...until the guys started to play video games...
for like four straight hours~same spots, same game...same shit!
so...obviously not able to join the girls relocated...soon to be overtaken by more videogame whores (like gaz from Invader Zim)...jackie, hul and benton...they wanted to race...so we left...actually....i left. people were playing guitar...cant do that...and on the computer...can do that at home...flirting (when they arent supposed to) ....and what else? video gaming. i dont think patrice had very much fun near the end either...she askeed me to go for a walk...
what pissed me off too, is that melanie...remember...dangerous girl from a few months ago...gave him boxers...
i thought it was weird for girlfriends to give guys boxers...but she did...
then...after five hours or so of not talking to me...and after i had left several times to drop people off or just plain leave...he noticed i was gone...probably only cuz goli or melanie asked where i was.
so when i went back...still playing...still fucking playing...
"neil, i'm leaving"
and melanie asked for a ride...
and neil asked for a hug...
what the fuck!?!
yea...thats right...wtf!
after all that not-spending-time with anyone thing...you want a fucking hug?
so i took her home...she forgot her purse...may i allow myself to state that my fucking gas light is on!??!
so i take her back to neils...she gets the purse...and i take her home...
i get home
"i dont wanna go home..."
i go back to neils...im gonna tell him im mad.
i go in.
he comes out with me.
"you realise you didnt spend any time but a whole ten minutes with me?" (yea, of nine hours...wonderful boyfriend) "cuz you were playing video games....i tried to get you outside and i tried to get your attention cuz im bored as fuck" (goli and i carried him outside to play wrestle but low and behold...he went to play games, complaining about how he was winning....fucker)
"you're mad at me for trying to have fun?
"whatever...bye."
no hug for the noo noo...
no kiss for the noo noo...:-D
i realise its sorta dumb...but being a host to the party, you cant just forget half you guests.
whatever...::Sigh::
its wonderful the mother isnt home...free reign.
no gas tho...anyone know where a citgo is around here? its the only card i have.
adios!
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toki
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2004 27 June :: 12.24am
:: Mood: nauseated
:: Music: My Cat Purring
Home Again
Sorry if I was a poop tonight. I was just exhausted. Waking up at 6am chicago time and falling asleep 1 am chicago time for two weeks did not do me good. And waking up at five. Wooo. And I don't think that Mountain Dew was good for this. I feel sick.
I'm so excited to be back and with people again. Why? Because they aren't family. And they don't treat me like shit. Yay.
(So I had this whole thing here....it's gone now. Sorry folks. )
I'm tired. Good night and good bye.
-Patricia Gentilia
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sweetyas
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2004 26 June :: 11.47pm
Patrick
Thats the name of the guy from work. So, i talked to mel after i posted the last entry and she talked me into dating him. She had a very good argument. So i gave him a call the next day and was like ....hi....this is yasamin. It wasnt much of a convo, but we made plans to see a movie, and none the less i managed to lie to him. (I didnt want him to show up to work) so then he called me later that night and wanted to know if i wanted to go to dinner (i found that out the next day). i called him and we talked. Then i talked to mel and convinced her to be my stalker on the movie date just in case he was a crazy or a raper. So she said i cant do it on saturday how about sunday (not exactly but anyway) so i called him up and told him taht and we had a somewhat actual convo adn decided we were gonna see a movie (i think he wanted to see a comedy but we were gonna go see the 9/11 movie) and he wanted to go to the beach afterwards. i thought that was cute and romantic. Afterwork on friday i decided i couldnt go through with this, im just not ready to date and if i start dating id want it to be someone i actually wanna go out with meaning i know him. Plus, i cant like i get so nervous and AHHish. So then today that was the first think i did at like 1 o'clock i called him and was liek um i dont want to date anyone right now. he then was like why? and iwas like o shit im not going to explain it to you (and tell you im 17 and muslim) and just said family problems. He was just so nice about it all sweet and arg, and he was liek whats going on, and i was like its personel and ur a really cute guy and seem so nice. bye. then he said u're attractive and when things settle down maybe we can go out and is it ok to keep in touch/ ARG stupid guy. So i was like yea.
Half an hour later he calls (i dont have my phone with me) and says i wanna ask you one last question so give me a call.
SO the question is should i give him a call or just end things and never talk to him again?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 25 June :: 1.22am
:: Mood: confused
so...two positives and a negative...
its psychology...doesnt hurt as much i guess...
neil
he's amazing perfect
me"why'd you stay?"
him"because if i went home, id just worry if you were ok. i didnt want to think of you crying and wish i was here helping you stop."
fight with mother
she started asking neil when hes going to canada to start his cruise to alaska...
in two weeks she wants to send me on the same flight to canada so i can spend time with the relatives which ive been dying to do.
only thing is...ive been promised soo much...that i give up on believing her...and so i told her so
and neil told me it seems like i pick my fights with her...
so i explained to him how hard it is to have patience with her...
because she doesnt remember and she repeats and shes slow and she hates people for no reason and gets pissed off so easily....and the whole bit....with examples...
and i had to do laundry
so i got up...and she was sitting on the stairs...
that pissed me off...
that is horrible disrespect.
and neil calmed me down...because hes a sweetheart...
but i asked if it bothers him when i talk about my family and stuff...cuz i told him how jealous i am of his perfect family and family outings and kind mother who cleans his room and shit...
and he said "it bothers me when you upset yourself"
for some reason
my heart dropped
and it hurt
i dont understand. why did it hurt when i heard that?
maybe i dont want to hurt him...
or maybe because i realised i just spent twenty minutes of his time making him hate me.
maybe thats why...
im not sleeping for a while...
i dont want my eyes to be puffy in the morning...
i talked to 'shonsky:
im cold-hearted and horrible.
him hey
me hi
how are u
am okie nad you
ehh i've been better but otherwise ok
why
I"m jsut getting sick of ppl
oh yea?
who
jsut ppl overall
like not everyone but ppl
lol
yea....right....you're lying
no i'm not...i'm sick of Disrespect from ppl
no one respects me..
i know
have you ever thought of soem disrespect you show them as well tho?
yea i know i do 2
an egotistical, overpowering image you have...everyone thinks you see yourself as better as they are
but i'm ont
no matter how confident you really are...thats how you appear and sound
you're teling me you're not...but im telling you why you arent respected
you should listen to me rather than deny
no no ...i don't think of myself better than tohers
am friends with the people you work iwth everyday mike....
lol
yea
you dont understand...im not saying you really do
im telling you how you appear
how people want to treat you because they feel like you treat them like they are all beneath you
when most of them have been in theatre longer than you
there is only one person i don't respect or think of as an older brother.....and that is Chris...i have no respect for Q and Stunkel at all..otherwise i love them all like ppl i ahve respect for
battlestarre: why dont you respect Q and stunkel
Q shows my no respect from square on.....he yelled at me cause he was 3 hours late for a rental...and stunkel...hes a great guy but i jsut can't take him seriously...i came home with a headache today..
but Chris, wender, Hul, Spencer, I lvoe them..the are like my father.without them i would know notihng.....i have no disrespect for them at all....i have more respect for them then i do for a lot of ppl......i just try to fit in with them...fit in with everyone..
stunkel....hes tough to understand...he is one who was never really taught how to be pissed off....either that or grew up in a place where he saw so much hurt and pain that he only wants to make the world happier.....same reason i dont get down that much
Q......
this is the reason he disrespects you
honestly, just like a good amount of us
hes jealous
waht
your parents would do ANYTHING for you
jealous
listen to me
just fucking listen
ok
both him and stunkel live in apartments
his parents are divorced
his mother hates him....tells him so....tells him everyday how much of a disgrace he is...how she wishes he was never born....
he goes to his dads and gets the shit beat out of him
tehy dont give a shit about his theatre
his accomplishments
you
you have money
you have people who love you in your house
no matter how much they say to you about your weight
they care because that is your health
they call teachers to tell them taht you deserve better
obviously because they truely believe it
mike...Q......he....he is struggling to get his hours sheet signed.
you see?
its tough man
and you were talking about you new car and you twenty dollar allowence
thats tough to take
not only that
when you began.....and youve gotten better but still do this
you acted like you had years under your belt
and knew exactly what you were doing
and as a result of that....are better than everyone else
because you know more
that pisses EVERYONE off
it always has
and i totally understand
if all your life you havent been respected by your peers
because i never was either
theres a certain point where you need to gain their trust
the fact that you try to fit in
let me point out how horrible this is
you should not do this so much as be yourself
i know youve heard it a thousand times
but doing what you're told...asking questions if you really dont know
being among friends rather than being among children
do you understand waht i mean?
............yes.....
really or are you just saying so?
no...i jsut never new this
i know
i'm crying
but can you honestly tell me that if someone tried to tell you you would listen?
all i wanted to do was to fit in..but instead all i did was make it worse
or would you think they were trying to be horribly mean?
exactly
but people give you loads of chances
if you work on it
ill tell everyone to chill
really
like i sorta see where youre coming from because your parents seem like control freaks....which would result in such
sorry i dont wanna make you cry.
but the truth hurts.
::hug::
you just gotta work on it okie?
:i know exactly waht to do
okie good
just dont hurt yourself okie?
ok...
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