Black roses and Silver tears

:: 2005 4 December :: 12.59am

have you ever been walking up the stairs and you forget that there isnt a step...so you prepare for one...and sort of lunge forward because of surprise and then upright yourself, and look around to make sure no one's looking?

Read more..

:: 2005 3 December :: 1.24am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: skindred

I PASSED CLEP ON WEDNESDAY! woo no english classes...but six credits!!!

am a little worried about doing well in school, because dad will be angry.

justin's so frustrating. i have half a mind to not even talk to him anymore, but then it would hurt too much...but maybe just not to talk to him for a bit, but then he'd be angry.

but he wants me to be him...not to be me. that's frustrating too. why cant i be hyper or sad when i feel what i do? why does he critisize everything i and everyone else do?

no one has ever inspired me to do so much artwork when i think about them. in fact, whenever id done it before, it was to give to them, not in reminisence of them. the hand picture, a poem, a descriptive story, a painting...that isnt soemthign that anyone has made me do before.

how is someone so controlling so appealing?

its sad how ridiculously infatuated i am with him. and yet, everytime he tells kristen to get over stunkel, i cant help but wonder if he's really talking to me.

i dont know ama take a bath. g'night

:: 2005 3 December :: 12.43am

Nick hit a deer.

His car's pretty banged up but everyone's okay.

Defiant

:: 2005 2 December :: 4.52pm

Guess who's got a new apartment. That's right. I just have to wait a week until it opens up but it'll be tight. I already have the down payment and first months rent all handled. I'm leasing it with my buddy Torrell. It's a two bedroom at Old Orchard apartments. Well I never know what to say at the end and usually just leave it hanging so this is the last sentence I'm going to type. I promise.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 1 December :: 6.38am

If anyone got a call from me late last night, I apologize.

I keep my cell phone on my bed because I'm too lazy to look for it when it rings and because it charges as I sleep.

Last night I couldn't sleep very well and lately I've been tossing and turning a lot.

My dad just mentioned that I called him when he was downstairs, asleep and in bed.

He called me back.

So if I called you, I'm sorry. I shall find a better place to put my phone.

5 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 28 November :: 3.01pm

You will not believe this.
Sigur Ros is coming to Calvin College in February.

Tickets go on sale December 8th.

Here is the site.

* feb 18 : 6pm concert calvin college fine arts center, grand rapids (mi)
general on-sale date dec 08

* feb 18 : 10.30pm concert calvin college fine arts center, grand rapids (mi)
general on-sale date dec 08

jaganshi

:: 2005 25 November :: 2.13pm

There used to be a girl on this site who used the handle "Porcelain."

I miss her. She was cool. Every time I log on and think about how much respect I had for her. Unfortunately, her mother found her blog and she had to leave us. Then her journal was wiped out in the Great Deletion of Unpaid Journals.

Well, Porcelain. Here's to you, wherever you are. I haven't forgotten.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

jaganshi

:: 2005 25 November :: 1.59pm

Proof that I'm becoming an elitist condescending adult:

Every time I see an entry on a weblog that looks like this:

"oh man why cant i just have love but no one will love me becaus i suck and there's no way anyone can love a thing like me because i suck and everything i do cuz i have no worth and i should just die becaues n oone cares and ill never ever be loved and i'm so alone and theres no hope for me cuz no one understands"

...The first thing I want to do is look for the person's age. It could be the bad grammar. It could be the lack of capitalization or punctuation. It could be the lack of specific explanations or thought of any kind. But the main thing is, I doubt the maturity of entries like this. The people I've kept on my friends list use proper English, and sometimes proper French or Japanese as well.

The other reason I doubt the maturity of these bloggers is that, yes. I'm like everyone else. If I'm supposed to believe that someone who's never worried about the cost of food or where they'll be living in a few months' time has problems worth reading, I want to read some kind of actual justification. Just because this is the internet doesn't mean you're excused from actual communication.

In conclusion: Quit your bitching or at least start bitching in a way that makes people believe your problems have some relevance.

This time of year I'm thankful for a lot of things. I'm thankful that no matter what has happened to me or is likely to happen, my problems will still never be that bad. I look at victims of wars, diseases and natural disasters all over the world and see that it can always be worse. I have it pretty damn good, and so do most people who live in an area where computer access makes blogging possible.

jaganshi

:: 2005 25 November :: 1.57pm

I'm getting my WIS teeth out over winter break. As a result, my mother wants me to plan to be totally incapacitated for two weeks. This is the royal edict. This means I cannot plan to go to Brian's house over break. Why can't we just see what happens and maybe I'll be able to do it? Fantastic question! Because! My mother is buying me plane tickets. She will be doing this within the next day or two. This means that she'll be buying me a ticket back to Indianapolis. This means that the Fords couldn't drive me home to Indy without wasting a perfectly good plane ticket.

This all has one grand implication. I stay with my parents and endure not only oral surgery but four weeks around them, or else be a selfish ungrateful bitch for not wanting to be away from Brian for that long. That's what it means. And there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it.

:: 2005 24 November :: 2.23pm
:: Mood: angry

that turkey on google taunts me. he has pie and cranberry sauce in front of him. i want all that and mashed potatos and sweet potatos and green beans...a normal thanksgiving dinner. ive been so excited about it. but, no. we're having appetizers...cheese and crackers. i was more full last night when we went to red robin!

:: 2005 23 November :: 11.43pm

im so jealous of her.

she has someone to protect her, someone to guide her, and someone to love her.

i dont think she sees it, though.

8 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 23 November :: 4.21pm

funny! SPAM SPAM SPAM!
What is the point of these e-mails? What happens?

Read more..

:: 2005 23 November :: 4.14pm

I got out of work early (3 instead of 5) and that makes me happy.

Sadly, since it's bad out, I'm not allowed to go anywhere. Stupid snow. Maybe I'll go cash my paycheck.

We all should hang out this weekend.

I'm gonna go write my paper that's due at 5. Yay!

I love you all.

:: 2005 22 November :: 11.10pm

i shouldnt be writing in here. i need to do my paper.

kristen was talking about stunkel and la-te-da...

she told me dont give up on justin...

but i love him. too much to lose him.

zak says otherwise now...

"if he had wanted you, dont you think he would have gone for you? he went for a freshman and not you"

ouch. but why couldnt anyone tell me before. before eight months had rolled around? before i started this ridiculous emotion.

:: 2005 21 November :: 6.09pm

I know I've probably never told anyone this (my mom just heard about it today and laughed) but here's how dorky my siblings and I are:

Hannah, Nathaniel and I were playing some kind of shopkeeping game loosely based around Chrono Cross. I was the shopkeeper, Buddy was some pet and Hannah was the customer(s).

Once, Hannah came in as a "customer," snuck in the back of my shop and I was audited by an IRS agent (played by Hannah).

And apparently, NORMAL children don't do these things.

:: 2005 20 November :: 9.45pm

hello! the last few days've been interesting. friday we went to a concert and took dagi and kristen, and that was fun...funny, too, cuz they were frightened a bit...until they started to participate. :)

Read more..

:: 2005 18 November :: 8.20pm

So Katie is having her appendix removed.

Tonight.

Please pray for her.

She's still down in Kalamazoo at Bronson Hospital. I will probably go down there tomorrow, depending on how she's doing, if she's there and how the weather is faring. So if anyone wants to come along, I'll drive.

Oh, I forgot you're all not around here. Well if you want to come, find your way over here or be ready to pay me gas money to come get you.

I love you all.

:: 2005 17 February :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: aggravated

as if i dont do so enough, am going to bitch. and of course, among common topics, about my parents.

Read more..

:: 2005 14 November :: 11.30pm
:: Mood: melancholy

you know, i dont know if im really melancholy...but it's such a pretty word.

strangely, life seems to be fated ironically. the jealousy of my love for another flipped into my envy for his action with another.

Read more..

:: 2005 13 November :: 1.25pm

Wet Jet Swiffer=...

:: 2005 13 November :: 11.46am

Yesterday was my aunt's birthday.

So I made sure that I spent time with my mom.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

defiant

:: 2005 12 November :: 10.23am

I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.

6 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 11 November :: 5.59am

I don't have any friends at school.

The only person I actually hang out with a lot is Jeremy and he's planning on transferring next year. I'd love to hang out a lot with Emily, my friend from French class, but all the people who live on campus have their dorm friends and dorm things.

I mean, Shayne and I used to eat lunch all the time and hang out but he goes home to eat or hangs out with other people.

I'm hoping that next semester, when a girl I know from my I & E class is in another one of my classes, that I can be friends with her. And since my classes are switching around and I'll have tons of free time, I'll have more friend time.

I mean, you all know I don't have trouble "making friends." I don't know what's going on.

But it makes me really sad.

I love you all.

P.S. I was hoping Kelly and Katie were coming home this weekend because at the Wealthy Street Theatre today and tomorrow, they're showing the Wizard of Oz with a live band playing Dark Side of the Moon. Here

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 9 November :: 10.41pm

i know if you're reading this, you're sick of hearing about justin. because i almost am.

kristen does not see the appeal in him. understandably. the thing about spending a lot of time with someone is the fact that you can pinpoint perfectly what his or her biggest issues are.

Justin's issues:

I. CONTROL
there is no doubt about it; he wants to be in control of the situation and the people involved because if he's in control, then no one can make him do anything.

II. DENIAL
he claims he is one way, and is definatly another. classical idenity confusion.

III. SUPERIORITY
most people work themselves up in competition; there is the all out defeating someone, and the sabotaging their progress to fuel your own. he's the second one.

so, with all that, the guy that spoke at the school a few weeks ago said that first there is infatuation. then there is the problem discovery and that seems to be the stage within which i am.

i got some pants and boots and so that's happy. ama go to kohl's tmro though to exchange the pants (they're too big).

:: 2005 9 November :: 8.45pm

Best illusion ever.

6 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 9 November :: 8.21pm

I know I am awful and you might not be able to forgive me but I'm only on this site for a media study paper due tomorrow. I would not visit this site on my own free will.

Read more..

I love you all.

:: 2005 5 November :: 7.43pm

We're in Chicago. We being my entire family and two of Hannah's friends.

Tomorrow we're going to see the musical Wicked. Maybe then Hannah will shut up about it.

My throat hurts and I'm tired.

I love you all. And, pathetically, I miss Nick.

defiant

:: 2005 3 November :: 7.18pm

"Harold, it's Bateman, Patrick Bateman. You're my lawyer so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, meet me at Harry's Bar, so you know, keep your eyes open."

...beautiful

:: 2005 3 November :: 12.02am

earlier:
im in the library and on a high up chair. that means my legs are dangling. i feel so helpless.
i met with my advisor. he told me waht classes to take. i also talked to my history teacher. he told me what books to look at for my paper. i have another paper due, too, in harlem art and lit, as well as a presentation. so ill do that. i have a quiz in japanese too. i also talked to keri, my mentor. we're seeing the changling on the seventeenth...it looks really good.
i wrote out a sheet to give justin in junction with his chalked up driveway. that'll be fun too. but its a lot of time that i dont seem to have...:) oh well. ill get it done. i will.

now:
we just left baker's square from having dinner with our boss. it was interesting. justin has huge acceptance issues...he doesnt know how to accept something he doesnt believe. he thinks that anything he doesnt believe is wrong, with which i dont agree. but well discuss that, no worries.