happy new year
Well, one more year, one more opportunity to change shit.. or something.
Samie and I have signed up for this 12 week challenge at a local gym near our work. They apparently have trainers there that can help people with injuries (such as a herniated disk, like me) so as long as I just follow their directions, I won't die. There are 1st 2nd and 3rd place winners - 1st place wins $1000, 2nd wins $250, 3rd wins $100 or something. Hopefully this works haha
I'm just so ready for a new year to start. I can't wait to finally start accomplishing my goals.
::
2012 30 December :: 12.28pm
:: Mood: Disgusting
Goodbye self esteem
This whole week has been crushing my ego on a massive scale. Honestly I wish I could just crawl into a hole and hide for a while. I think I'm going to live in my hoodie.
I wish I wish I wish... What I could do is just do it.
But apathy is lethal and I'm having a hard time giving any fucks. Period.
I can't help but worry about mom and dad. And I keep having all these bad dreams about my friends getting breast cancer and my parents don't have enough money to eat and I'm always so helpless to do anything worthwhile.
I know it's not my fault why things are the way they are.. but on the ride to work, looking at the snow on the trees on hills far away.. I couldn't help but wonder why we keep going, where this is all going and what are we really doing here?
I remembered how much animosity I used to have for my parents, and how much hatred I used to feel towards certian people and how that's all so meaningless now. I have always wanted a family I was close to and friends who loved me. Now I finally have both and I am so glad.
But this sadness has really seems to have taken up roots into my heart and I feel like they will never come up. I just can't help but feel like my insides are just all black and cold.
Sometimes I just have to try and remind myself that it's not my fault I'm like this. And sometimes that really isn't enough.
I just wish I didn't feel so.. helpless and terrified.
But the future will never be certain, and the only certainty I have is who I am inside.
Weight lost
I lost 25 lbs. and I'm willing to lose a bit more weight. I'm 125 lbs. right now, but I want to be at 115 lbs. That would be perfect because I just feel that my thighs aren't good enough. People thought I was turning anorexic. I know I'm not because I know what I want. I achieved my goal. I did well at my job and the weight lost thing is a success. Next: keep on bettering myself at cooking, organization and management.
Both of my dogs chase their tails. My older dog growls while he does it. I'm not sure why they do it, because they have to know their tails are their own.
I accomplished my goals as planned. I proved them wrong. For the longest time, I felt like I was never well liked. There were a couple of friends who did stuck around and was there for me from the beginning though. I talk to them sometimes and they encourage me all the time. I get encouragements from the folks here too. I find them to be decent folks. I don't care where I'll be living as long as I'm with people who accept and support me at what I do.
I stopped trying to impress anyone already. I let lose and be myself and somehow I'm a role-model now? Since when did people trust my thoughts and ideas? I'm still confused up to this point.
For some weird reason. I'm good at begging and pleading. That's something I do when I'm in school. I failed many tests and always convince my teachers that I tried very hard. I didn't understand the subject. Most of them let me pass because they thought I had "the potential to be successful." I never thought I had potential, but I get encouragements from many people. I guess I'm succeeding after all. Having an alone time helped me to think. I turned most of my thoughts into action. One example, losing weight. I succeeded. I lost over 20 lbs. It's all in the mind.
::
2012 29 November :: 4.58pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Entering a period of extreme change in my life, and it's terrifying, but also a little exciting, and very sad.
I'm a big mix of emotions, but I think what I'm doing is the right choice for me. And I'm hoping that this will put me on the right path in making the best choices for myself moving forward.
I'm still really sad the way things turned out, and I wish things could have been different... But maybe this will be the best thing for everyone involved. I really hope it turns out to be like that.
I hate growing up. I have hated almost every single thing about it. Everything is so much more difficult, so much more stressful, so much more confusing and heart breaking.
But I also look back at all the mementos of my adolescence and I realize, I was so fucked up back then. I am SO much better now than I was in the past... And I'm very glad I've gotten the help I need to move past all the terrible things in my past.
So.... I'm having a hard time staying focused and dedicated to school. I think it's because I don't like writing research papers, but I'm not sure. I just know that at this point, I don't want to write anything anymore and I more so don't want to find sources and cite them.
Ugh, so much intellectual property! I feel like there are no more original thoughts and merely saying anything is going to plagiarize something somewhere.
On a brighter now, I'm using a brine on my turkey this year. It's apple cider based, and smells weird, but it has so many 5 star reviews I thought, "How could this go wrong?" I mean, I'm a pretty competent cook. I don't fuck up too royally anymore.
I think the thing I'm most excited about this year is getting to spend it with a family, rather than just me and Sus. Because of all the stuff going on in Samie's family, they aren't doing a family Thanksgiving, so I'm just bringing all my stuff over to her house and we're doing it together. I feel bad for her since it's her first turkey day away from her family, and my first one was kinda sad too, but I am excited too :)
I got 4.0's in both of my first classes. I'm on my way to the same thing in this set too. Though, keeping motivated is difficult. Sometimes I just can't find it in me to care, not sure how to fix that.
Had an epic date night with Sus last night! We got my hair cut, went to see Cloud Atlas and then had some sushi. I couldn't have asked for more. I even got motherfucking tater tots. That boy <3
Rika is in her first heat cycle.. Poor baby :( but that means puppies eventually!! We are getting Bjorne fixed next Saturday.. poor baby :( both of my puppies are so sad! But adorable and I think it'll be the best option for him. He's so big and I don't want to put Rika in danger.
In all seriousness..
Every time I see a picture of my sister I think: "I love you. You are so alive and uniquely zuzu that I can't help but love you and admire everything you are and wish I could be a part of your life like Joy, Heather, Kayley or Nicole."
I've always been jealous of you zuzu.. You've always been who I wanted to be.. You're always one step ahead. And I love you for it.. You're so insanely beautiful and so intelligent and soulful and.. Genuinely humane. You are the best example I have of what a human should be..
I don't know.. I'm sorry for all the shitty things I've ever done to you. I love you so much and I want so much to be important to you. Sometimes I feel like even though we only live 20 minutes apart by car, it's almost like I live in seattle..
Maybe someday I can make you feel as proud to be a sister as I feel about you.. I know you're going to accomplish great things, and I just hope I might be a part of them someday.
I have a date tonight with a beautiful, strong and independent woman.. Well 3rd date. Which means, and I will quote a NIN song, it's time to "get down, make love" if you know what I mean ;)
We're going to watch paprika, eat snacks and who knows what will happen after that haha
Then I have to go to work tomorrow :( 5 day work week.. I haven't had one of those in a year and a half! It'll be killer.
Homework.. Classical music.. Exercise later tonight. I'm so grown up it hurts haha
I might even throw in a nap, who knows? I'm crazy and living life on the edge. I'm such a rebel, such an outlaw.
I know everyone is jealous of my wild and crazy lifestyle. It's okay, guys, no need to be jealous.. Well, you can be jealous just a little. It IS pretty fucking rad after all.
Plus, these puppies are just so cute. Who wouldn't be jealous?
I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine. - Bruce Lee
Expectations. I used to imagine what I want. Now I just live life with very low expectations. It's definitely easier for me to adapt to others, but I don't expect anyone to do the same. It's always easier for me to reach out and give what I have. The only thing I can do is give and not expect anything in return. I guess I'm content. Not wanting more than a simple life.
