lalala

Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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lalala

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:: 2012 23 October :: 1.27pm

I need to shower. But I don't want to. Grr...

It's FRIDAY!! And I have a jam-packed weekend in the mix! I'm going to see my parents and see Danielle and plan a Halloween party and and and.. I don't really have much more planned than that.

Oh.. and pay my parking tickets and get my emissions test and renew my tabs :( stupid adult responsibilities..

I'm just happy it's Friday. I need a break from work, that place just gets to me sometimes! But I still love it.

:: 2012 18 October :: 4.18pm

Exercise progress
I lost 10 lbs. for cutting out carbs and only eating vegetables, fish, chicken, egg, soymilk, yogurt and water. I try not to make it obvious that I'm not eating any white carbs. I don't want to come off as being too extreme or anything, but it really helps to not eat any rice. My round stomach turned flat. A week ago, I went jogging 7 days a week for 30 minutes each day. I knew it was too much, but I wasn't tired so I pushed myself. Then I realized my tongue was hurting and aching so much, I had to take a break 2 days. I had to reduce the exercising. Today I'm going again so I won't be behind. My tongue hasn't healed completely, but I drank a lot of water so it's better than before.

:: 2012 15 October :: 3.03pm

staying home sick from work, but that doesn't mean i'm going to slack off.

I completed my budget for when my disbursement for school comes in. I am really excited to get my financial life in order :)

I'm also hopefully going to do all my homework, but I'm not super worried about that just because I have all week to do it.

Last night Samie really made me feel terrible about myself, but more so she just made me extremely mad at her. I won't go into details, but the way I live my private life is not wrong, and she has no room to talk when it comes to making good choices in life. I love Samie, and she's am amazing woman, but sometimes she only sees things in black and white and it makes me angry because the world has so many different shades and hues it's not even funny.

I just really want to forget we had that conversation, but it just made me so insanely upset.

:: 2012 10 October :: 5.46am

Totally re-purchasing Battle Royale..

Watching Hunger Games.. And thinking.. WTF REALLY?!?

Ugh

:: 2012 8 October :: 11.43pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

I never liked exercising, but for some reason now I can stand it. I'm good at pushing myself over the limits because that's how crazy I am. In 3 weeks. I will lose 20 pounds. I will do it fast. I HAVE to lose weight before the resort is open. I feel embarassed being fat. I really do.

:: 2012 6 October :: 5.27pm

Too much drinking :(

:: 2012 6 October :: 12.12am

Changing my bad habits
I had already decided to stop wasting my life on being fat and unfit. The decision is made and is set for good. I start off with a short exercise list already. As much as I dislike exercising, I want to change my bad habits for a change. I've been living this lifestyle since 16 years old. It does no benefits for me, plus I become weaker as I get older. So I decided to try something new and stick with it. I'll give myself time until next year - my birthday. Instead of thinking useless thoughts, I want to do benefits to myself to kill time when I'm bored. I'll use exercising as a cure for depression, sadness and loneliness. Then I won't be so depressed.

:: 2012 4 October :: 10.18pm
:: Mood: okay

A change of lifestyle
I've came to realize that I should stop thinking useless/ridiculous thoughts. I have alot of things to do that needed to be done. 1) Create 20 more menu items. Design the plating. Write work descriptions.

2) Change my diet. I always question myself why I'm a bit overweight/chubby, but I did nothing to solve it.

How I will change:
Lose weight.
Eat healthier, but also eat less.
Cut my meal size to half a portion.
Eat only 2 meals. (2 small meals)
No more eating food after 5:00pm.
Drink lots of water when I feel hungry.
Snack on cucumbers and carrots if I'm hungry.
Stop eating sweets of all kinds (cookies, ice cream, sugary drinks).
Take a little bit time each day to do squats in my room after work.
The list can go on.

Tourism season starts next month. That means I get automatic exercise. Work, work, work. When I work my ass off until my next birthday + change my unhealthy lifestyle. I should be in better shape before my next birthday. This is my real life goal. I counted. Today is day 10. I will keep on going. There's no reason to be fat anymore.

:: 2012 1 October :: 10.43pm

What would you do if somebody stopped you? What would you say to the world?

:: 2012 30 September :: 12.09pm

I'm hoping the up-coming weekend will make out to be some much-needed therapy.

I have been taking my temperature everyday at the same time per Dr.'s orders to see if I "run cold" especially during my "girly times" if you catch my drift.. The hard part of it though, is with Mirena, I don't really have anything besides spotting.. On average I'm about a 98.1, on my one spotting day I was at a 97.1.. Is that just a fluke or what? I need to set up another appointment with him. He was saying that having a low temperature, especially when your period happens can be a sign of hypothyroidism, which is something every Dr. I've seen in the last 6 years has thought and had me tested for.

So I guess we'll see what happens there..

I just need a distraction right now.. I'm already doing full-time work, full-time school and I'm still just feeling like I have no wind-down time. I don't feel like I get to have a little mental vacation every weekend. I just need something fun to make me forget about this ugly patch.

:: 2012 29 September :: 5.28pm
:: Mood: pessimistic

This hollow feeling won't go away. I feel it deep inside my heart, and it's terrible. I feel so depressed and hopeless.. I'd say numb but I think that sounds fucking stupid. I am in a transitional state and I'm just scared.

What if I make the wrong decision?
What if I never make it up to baseline?
What if what if what if...

I hate being grown up. All I want to do right now is dye my hair black, put on my armor for sleep hoodie and listen to angels and airwaves until I pass out. Then wake up and have to deal with stupid high school drama, because that was so much easier than this.

I just want to retreat into somewhere else and pretend none of the last 6 years ever happened. I'm just trying to find something to hold onto before my ego is permanently washed away.

:: 2012 28 September :: 10.34pm

I am so confused right now. And I need some guidence. But I don't want it from anyone I know.

Idk sometimes I wish I could believe in a higher power, and was crazy enough to feel like they are talking to me.

I feel like such a ninny.

:: 2012 27 September :: 2.28pm

I felt depressed for a couple of days at work because it's low season. It's been raining everyday. I felt lonely and bored. Eversince I came here, I haven't met anyone who I can trust completely. It's hard to meet someone who will understand you. Back in SF, there were people who understood me. So I've figured out what I should do when I'm bored. Brainstorm new ideas like, learn new cooking methods + take notes, listen to music, etc.. Most of the stuff I do will always be in my head. I'm thinking about maybe talking less, do some effective clean up, make sure everything is tidy, and more. Cleaning is always good when you have nothing to do. I want to go on a diet again now. I'm eating 2 small meals everyday. I lost some weight and will continue to lose more.

:: 2012 23 September :: 5.48am

Happy days are here again

:: 2012 13 September :: 7.22pm

existential crisis
i need out.

none of this has any meaning anymore.

i have no room for errors now.

nothing i do is right.

nothing i do is good enough.

i'm just a pathetic waste of time and space and i am not worth anything at all.

i just want to take a vacation.

i just want to forget i exist.

nothing seems to matter anymore.

:: 2012 12 September :: 6.33am

I hate being so fucking broken.

:: 2012 5 September :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: accomplished

I finished all my homework for the week. These first two classes are pretty simple, though it is just the first week. I'm feeling confident that I'll be more successful here than at SCC.

Emily says she's visiting in a month or so. We kinda ended on a sour note, but whatever. I think she was just so excited to get the fuck out of dodge. I just hate feeling like I'm not important to her. And anymore, we don't have anything in common, and we're both so busy.

My Rika is SO fucking cute. She's now about 4 and a half months, and she's still INSANELY tiny. Two pounds max. And she loves getting kisses, and cuddling, and sitting in your lap and giving you kisses and she growls so adorably. She's just the biggest bucket of cute ever.

It's my weekend. Today is designated "game day" so lots of Alan Wake and D&D, and then maybe some Being Human later.

Hopefully this weekend makes me feel better than the last one.

:: 2012 2 September :: 12.58am
:: Mood: restless

It's been almost a year since I ever updated. I'm starting to focus on the more important things in life like enhancing my skills in cooking and work. Everything I do is self-taught now. I study as much as I can in Mexican cooking. I don't like to slack off at work, but there's not much to do. I can't be reading a book or listening to music because it's imappropriate at work.

Anyways.. off subject. I got started on watching American Horror Story. There are so many great shows and movies. My sis really liked the show. She hates the horror genre, but this was an exception for her. She said it was very good. I got started on it a few days ago and love it. It had all the gothic horror elements. To name a few ghosts, haunted house, secrets, past eras, ancient, etc..

:: 2012 29 August :: 1.50am

You know they write songs about girls like you..

This could be the end of everything..

Shining when I'm alone..

:: 2012 25 August :: 1.48pm
:: Mood: Apprehensive

So I stopped working out after my birthday, not sure why other than lazy and got out of the habit. I lost 16lbs, gained 5lbs back. Samie and I are starting workouts again today.

I have to lose somewhere between 75 and 90 pounds total to be at a healthy weight. I know in the past I have become discouraged looking at that number, at the big picture. This time around I'm going to focus on the little wins. My goal is 1-2 pounds a week, which I think is reasonable. I'm going to take pictures of myself every 10lbs so I can have them for myself when I reach my final goal.

I'd be super pumped and say that I'm going to do this and succeed, but I think we all know that's just stupid. I really want to succeed this time..

I start school on the 3rd of September, but I'm worried about it. My academic counselor is a flakey mcflakerson so I don't even know what classes I'm taking. I should have my AA in 9 months, hopefully by then I'll have a new position in the company. I think this is finally the turning point in my life where I start doing things to improve myself, rather than skate by.

Here's to my success. Good luck, me.

:: 2012 23 August :: 10.34pm
:: Mood: angry

Dear Mark,
I wasn't sure what to think of you when we started training. Then we started sitting next to each other on the floor and I immediately connected with you. I wanted so badly to be your friend and be a part of your life. So I did everything in my power to become close friends with you.

To be completely honest, I was in love with you for a part of that. I don't know why, because you were always a selfish, fair weather asshole.

I have no idea what I saw in you. All those late nights being head over heels for you. And then you left the team and I saw you once after that. Because you didn't give two shots about me. I was a joke. You even let your friends drunk dial me and make fun of me. You're such a waste of my time and feelings. I had devoted so much of my time trying to get any bit of reciprocation out of you in any way and it was all for nothing.

I'm just so done with you. All I am to you is a number in your phone.

Well fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I don't ever want to hear from you again. You're dead to me. Like you should have been when you tried to finger my room mate while I was sitting RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO YOU.

I hate you Mark Alice.

Sincerely,
ameber

:: 2012 18 August :: 2.06pm

I really don't understand you..

I had a TON of fun playing D&D last night! Tho I'm super tired this morning.
Now to go to work n be lonely. :(

:: 2012 15 August :: 1.58pm

It's always so strange finding people you once loved and seeing how completely insane they've become.

I'm starting to feel like there really isn't any hope for this batch, we need to scratch it and start over again.

I'm finally at a place in my life where I find my body beautiful. And it's hard to want to make a change to it. What's more is I don't want to change because I don't want to become just another bimbo in the main stream.

I hate this culture sometimes.

:: 2012 9 August :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Jenna Marbles

Headed out soon to Samie's, picking up the gang and then out to the Steelhead and then to PJ's :3 I love drinking with Samie haha it's always a fucking blast!

Prefunking at home, Sus is a good DD :3 and cornstarch is a lifesaver haha

I'm so excited!!

:: 2012 5 August :: 3.02pm

Tuesday makes 4 years. We're going to Silverwood and in general being silly. I just hope it turns out to be epic!

:: 2012 4 August :: 8.35pm

I am so fucking sick of myself.

I just want to restart all this bullshit.

Actually I just want to never had done any of this stupid shit and do something better.

Fuck I suck.

:: 2012 2 August :: 10.58pm

It's a little depressing that I would have the higher self-esteem...

I don't know what happened, but something just isn't right.
I wish I knew what questions to ask, I wish she would just open up to me.

She's not perfect, but no one is. I love her, she's extremely close to my heart and I wish she could see what a beautiful person she is.. Rather than just saying it to put on a brave face.

I want so badly to help her. :(

:: 2012 30 July :: 12.11am

I'm not really feeling depressed or stressed out. But I've been having the urge to get wicked drunk every night.

:: 2012 29 July :: 2.32am

It's amazing what 60mg of a chemical can do.

Though I'm pretty pissed off about how my insurance is billing Rx's now. It's fucking bullshit.

Oh well. It's not that horrible. At least I'm not having those stupid seizures anymore.

:: 2012 27 July :: 7.36pm

today started decently enough.. and it had so much promise.

now if i wasn't such a FUCKING CUNT and i wasn't so FUCKING STUPID maybe today wouldn't have turned out to be such a shitstorm.

and now i'm having tho stupid seizures, my hip hurts like a motherfucker, i've cancelled all my plans and i don't have enough alcohol to erase today from my memory.

honestly i know why all this happened. and i know it's all just chemicals being fucktarded in my brain. but it doesn't make everything easier to deal with.

its easy to feel sorry for myself.
and "it's not my fault" all this.

but if my brain was fuctioning normally we all wouldn't be here in this shitty mood, crying.

i wish i could just disappear.

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