lalala

lalala

:: 2009 26 September :: 1.07pm

The owner of the restaurant just called me saying that I don't have to come in today because the restaurant next to his place was on fire, so there's no power. I'm sort of glad that I don't have to go, but at the same time, I want to. I never had a break on Saturdays until today. Well, I'm gonna go grocery shopping instead.

2 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 23 September :: 5.30pm

can i cry now?

3 loves | <3

labyrinth

:: 2009 22 September :: 8.12pm

Updates
I haven't been here for a while and it felt quite a long time. I'm tweeting instead of writing entries. Things have been pretty cool. I had a better semester, not feeling like an outcast anymore. I improved in cooking too. In my opinion, I think I'm a better cook. I love cooking class.

I plan to use the stairs for exercise because I don't have the money to go to fitness. I also bring my jump rope with me to school. During my 30 minutes break, I will try to jump rope for 10 minutes. I can't even do 5 minutes. I'm taking it slowly.

I've been to many movie screenings. Recently, I saw Shane Acker's 9, Bright Star, and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. I didn't like Bright Star all that much because I didn't understand it. Too poetic. It's like their talking in poems. Poems take time to analyze, but this is a movie! haha

godessalthena

:: 2009 20 September :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: sleepy

i love the movie "let's go to prison" its so frickin funny :D

i'm super bored. its sunday, i have to go back to work tomorrow and there's nothing fun to do here. sus is playing his game and i don't have any friends to hang out with.. :/ so boring.

i got a book from the library and i'm pretty sure i hate it. and i haven't really read that much of it, but the style is driving me crazy and i want to punch it in the face. grr.

we tried to go out to sushi yesterday. the first time we went it was packed, the second time we went it was closed :( we saw 9, which, i must say, though very well animated, was a weak movie. there was a lot of character development missing and it just seemed.. like it was lacking a lot of story. it was like.. an idea that wasn't fully developed and then put into a movie. rushed and not well thought out..

BUT MAN!! those monsters were scary as hell!

i've also decided that i really enjoy bjork. she is a cutie and her music is just soo... random and enjoyable. and cute topics. and her videos are awesome!

2 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 19 September :: 2.59pm

so this place is hiring that i really want to work. and i'm super excited about it and i really hope they call me because i don't want to cell sprint phones. screw that.

I am down to 183 lbs. When I moved out of my parent's house I was 215 lbs. So in the last year I'm down 32 lbs (i lost and regained the same like.. 10 lbs a few times :/) and i am so freaking proud of myself. I didn't realise I had gotten so fat, but now that i've lost some weight i can really see the difference. and it isn't really all that hard..

at this point i'm on a low calorie, high protein diet. i eat like.. six times a day, but only really small meals of mostly protein, with some carbs (usually rice or lettuce and cheese on salad. or popcorn OMG). i eat a ton of chicken. and when drinking i use vokda and diet soda. i also drink a fuckload of water. i don't really feel super hungry all the time and to be honest, i would much rather be hungry for like.. 2 hours a day and a pound less the next day, than be satisfied and and pound bigger or the same.

sus's birthday is soon! we're going to seattle for a two days which i'm super excited about! i'm trying to lose as much weight as i safely can so i look decent when we go hot tubing with his friends. we're eating lunch with his dad and i think his dad's sister or mom and her husband or something.. we're probably staying at danielle's house and jarred will be there (which is kinda.. makes me uncomfortable because i don't really know him at all :/ but he's a good guy so w/e) sus's family makes me soooo freaking nervous.

anyway, we're done with training at work and i'm going to start taking calls on monday. i'm a little nervous because i don't really know anything about the phones..

and some sex updates Read more..

idk if i get that job, if they call me, my life will be so freaking awesome you have no idea. i can't wait.

alkfdlkfajldkfaldsj

1 love | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 11 September :: 6.26pm

things i will probably never get to do again:

DDR
Rolleroasters
Run
Jump
Lift anything more than 30 lbs (example: my child when I have one)

what a great life.

5 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 5 September :: 12.59pm

sus's birthday is in less than a month.. and its a big birthday. and i won't really have any money for it.

and it's really fucking retarded. i mean, i know we have rent, no bills covered, but we'll have next month's rent. and i might be able to get help with food and i have a credit card coming.. but still..

i probably will have enough for the present i want to get him too, but as for a party.. plus we don't really have any friends... and i'm just worried this birthday will suck for him and i really really don't want that.

i mean really, i knew i couldn't top last year, but this is just ridiculous.

:/

3 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 3 September :: 10.54am

i almost feel guilty about eating breakfast..

we won't have food money for the next three or four weeks since we both are starting working on the same day and have to wait 3 weeks to get paid. plus i need to use most of my check for stupid credit cards..

maybe my parents will help..

oh well! at the end of 3 weeks we'll be in the bank! haha

godessalthena

:: 2009 29 August :: 5.09pm

i'm kinda really scared..

i don't want to find out what it is..

1 love | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 28 August :: 6.11pm

i totally almost cut off the tip of my finger today.. i got blood all over.. but not in the food!

it hurt but its ok now..

a little worried about oney, but what's new? we're going to have to stay here for a while since sus's mom can't help us now and we both are just.. in crap city..

bleh.

godessalthena

:: 2009 26 August :: 9.04pm

my mom called me back :) that made me happy.

i watched the top 100 songs of the 80's today. those were better days for music. i like all the optimistic songs. which is kinda funny since i'm so pessimistic it hurts.

i bounce around a lot in my moods. and everyday i tell myself i'm going to call one of these doctors and ask him to give me some medicine and refer me to a psychologist who i can acutally relate to.. i'm so tired of being negative all the time.. but the sad thing is i've been sooooo negative for so long now that i honestly can't be optimistic. i find every reason to see any situation as negative, even if its irrational.

and the people i'm with.. hate it. and don't want to enable and nurture this flaw.. but it just makes me feel so alone and bad because i have this problem. its like.. a horrible loop of negativity.

i just wish i wasn't so messed up. its embarrassing. and it makes me feel like one of the stupid people who just pretend for attention.

:/

2 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 26 August :: 5.33pm

i know i perceive things incorrectly a lot. and i assume incorrectly often.. but the more time passes me more sure i am that my family really is done with me and doesn't want to have me as a daughter anymore..

zuzu was really nice and friendly when i talked to her, and that made me really happy and a little sad.. i want to be her friend and be a sister to her, but i.. don't really know. it doesn't seem like she wants/needs a sister and i don't really know how to be a sister.

i called mom's cell to tell her i got a job. she didn't anwser or call me back so i asked ori to tell her i called.. i doubt she'll call me back. and i'm too scared to call my dad. i don't know why but they terrify me to no end, even when there isn't really anything for me to be scared of. i really shouldn't feel scared to share good news with my family.

i just really wish things had never gotten so fucked up. but they've been fucked up since i can remember.. since i was like.. 10 i've had a negative relationship with them. fear, shame.. i've always felt different and ostrasized from them..

but i don't know.. i'm not like them. i'm really not like any of them.. and i think that's the biggest reason why we have such a shitty time trying to relate.. :/ i just really don't know what to think anymore.

sometimes i hate being who i am because it makes my parents love me less and support me less. and i'm not saying that because i'm assuming it, its because through their actions, i've seen a lack of love or support for many years.. and it hurts to think that i can't be myself comfortably around them. or that they'll never be able to love me because of me.

idk.. it feels so hopeless. and i want to give up. but i can't.. because another part of me wants parents that love me..

aerii

:: 2009 26 August :: 1.18pm

"All the time we spent in bed, counting miles before we said, fall in love and fall apart, things will end before they start."

godessalthena

:: 2009 26 August :: 11.49am

Well I got a job!

Working for ICT Group selling Sprint products..

I'm not super excited just cuz its a sales position and I don't like sales, but I am super happy that I got a job in this economy and I'll finally start feeling worthwhile again.

Last night was really fun too. I got waaaay too drunk and got sick, but not before lauren left, so its all good. it was nice, it felt like old times.. :D

Cy comes back in a few days. Hopefully she won't be insanely sick still when she gets back!

2 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 24 August :: 1.47pm

so we're not going to alaska..

and i still don't have a fucking job..

i'm feeling insanely low, stupid, fugly, fat and worthless.

and really lonely...

i really hate this. everything. i just want to eat and we're too poor to buy food anytime soon.

i hate spokane.
i hate my life in spokane..

i hate so much.

i especially hate myself today.

what's wrong with me? why won't anywhere hire me? just fucking shoot me.

5 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 23 August :: 4.06pm

ZOMGZZZZZZZ we totally might be visiting alaska next week!!!>!>!>>!>!>k4c12oitnblsokjfdhga;lksfdlk ajsdlkfajsdlfkjasdf

I CANNOT tell you how FUCKING excited I am about it!!!11!1111!!!one!

I love alaska! and ever since we came back last october its all I can think about (besides moving back to seattle) I had such a good time there last time and I LOVE sus's mom to death and it's going to be sooooo beautiful and cool and wonderful and we're going to the fair and we're going to go site seeing

and the best part is sus is going to do some work for his mom and make some money :D so its like a paid vacation! WOOO

:D:D:D:D:D

godessalthena

:: 2009 22 August :: 2.45pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: savage garden - affirmation

well well well
today has turned out to be a pretty awesome day.. despite being out $100.

The letter I wrote to my parents had the desired effect... I finally stood up to them and it didn't blow up in my face. I feel like I made a big step towards being truly independent and happy.

I made some tuna fish patties today :3 and they turned out awesome. There is seriously no food I can think of right now that's more comforting (unless, of course, I could make some alphabetty ghetty!) :3 And they turned out perfect. No burns, not raw! Go me!

And I finally found someone I think would be a perfect match for a room mate. Of course she'll need to mature a little, but I think that's the stage she's in. Plus she can talk about things that aren't her. And she actually knows about art. HAHA AMAZING!! (and it doesn't hurt that she's super cute)

And I may be getting a friend back who I've been missing terribly since our last ending.. We've had a lot, but I always feel sad after it. I can't believe how stupid and pig-headed I can be sometimes..

But! Things are finally changing. And things will be getting better, however slowly.. (and I have found a few jobs to apply to, I really, really hope they pan out..)

Well.. that's all.

I'm just super excited about today. :D

labyrinth

:: 2009 22 August :: 2.26pm

One of the things I want to do in life is to visit abandoned buildings, getting photographs, and getting my picture taken inside those abandoned places. That's what I've always wanted to do.

The weight loss plan is going pretty good.

godessalthena

:: 2009 21 August :: 10.26am

i really, really fucking hate my life.

1 love | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 19 August :: 1.10pm

i met a cute girl the other day. we've been talking a lot. she's super SUPER into me, which is kinda weird because no one has been super into me since sus (which was a year ago..) and now she's all "ZOMG you made my day by talking to me!!" and "OMG visit me at work!! I can't wait that long to see you!" and calling me sexy and things..

i wish my self-esteem wasn't so shit-tastic. :/
especially after that whole richelle thing.

peole kinda suck a lot.

but!! yesterday I had sushi. so it isn't so bad. :)

angel_bob

:: 2009 16 August :: 1.21am

My mom is on facebook now.

My life will never be the same.

4 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 12 August :: 12.41am

the fountain is offically the saddest movie i have every watched.

and it's the first movie to make my heart physically hurt in a long time.

it was very, very beautiful.
and if you haven't seen it yet..

watch it.

because they world won't look the same after.

godessalthena

:: 2009 11 August :: 4.15pm

well, roommate shopping has been going ok.
a girl named steffani has called me twice :) she's pretty eager.

i'm tired.
my work out was interrupted a lot.

i'm thinking about buying an iphone.. but idk..
I'm just so fucking SICK OF MY SHITTY PHONE ALWAYS FREAKING TURNING OFF AND STAYING OFF AND I MISS CRAP grrrrrr

godessalthena

:: 2009 11 August :: 12.45am

i'm so bored.. and a little buzzed. and it really FUCKING sucks.

i haven't felt so ugly and stupid in my whole life.
i hate this.

i just wish i could be something special again.
but i never will be.

fuck life.

labyrinth

:: 2009 9 August :: 6.32pm

angel_bob

:: 2009 9 August :: 12.31am
:: Music: Take Me to the Riot by Stars

Warning: Rambling Ahead
Nick asked what The Time Traveler's Wife was all about and I told him. He was all

WHAT

THE

FUCK

Life Update: I didn't pass the test in Sault Ste Marie because it had things like math and history on it. Those will get me every single time.

We saw Away We Go today and it was fantastic. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Nick was at his computer and just turned around and said "if we leave right now, we have 13 minutes to get across the street to see Away We Go." And so we went. It made me feel all fuzzy and happy. And then I had to go to the bathroom and peed THE WORLD'S LONGEST PEE and I was afraid I was going to be peeing for the rest of my life and Nick was going to have to sneak me food because I was in the women's restroom and I hope they at least allowed him visiting rights because I missed him already and I couldn't eat food in a bathroom while I was peeing and it's never going to stop and it's still going and I can't even feel it anymore but IT IS STILL GOING and I will be peeing for the rest of my life and I can't have a kid while I'm eternally peeing and I'll never have children, I'll just pee forever and ever and my skin will fuse to the seat like that poor woman a few years ago and then I'll have toilet seat butt but no one will care because I'll be peeing forever and I'll already be that woman who peed her entire life and that was really bad enough and will they bring children by to see me like I'm in a zoo or something: THE MYSTERIOUS ETERNALLY PEEING WOMAN and then I stopped peeing thank God.

NewJob is beginning to vary between sucking so hard that I cry on the way to work to OMFG EASIEST JOB EVER EXCEPT I DO IT ALL IN FRENCH to HORRID to I AM SO GLAD I LOVE THESE PEOPLE to I MIGHT PUNCH THIS KID IF HE TALKS TO ME AGAIN to MONEY IS MONEY I GUESS AND THIS MONEY IS GOOD to AT LEAST I HAVE A JOB, SOME PEOPLE DON'T HAVE JOBS to OMG GET ME OUT NOW MAYBE I CAN JUST QUIT. My French is awesome now, bitches. Mangez-le! I told Nick that I liked speaking French because I can talk to people and they understand me and I understand them and we get things done and he was all YOU JUST SAID YOU LIKED SPEAKING FRENCH and I was all OMG I DID, KILL ME NOW.

We finally have a place to live come September. After much drama (we found a dream place, got turned down, found an okay place, found another dream place, dream place ran out of funding and wouldn't be finished until October, saw two horrible places, found an okay place and found out that October apparently = maybe probably November/December but not soon and we actually shouldn't hold our breath (see the kind of math I can do? Word math.), I gave up hope and just wanted a place to live, Nick held out hope for our dream place while I got all sad-like.), we found our dream place for real. It's a totally awesome place that I am totally having friends over at STAT. That is if I had friends. Anyway, party time, kids. Can you say awesome condo on the third floor across from the police station on the best street in GRap: Monroe Center?

NewPlace means NewFurniture (eventually) because Nick and I are not moving the pullout couch alone and whoever moved it before knows better now. That leaves us with the TV, a loveseat, two desks and a small bookshelf. Oh and our three awesome shelves. And our bed, of course.

Changing deodorant helped the smelly problem go away by the way. Apparently your body can get used to deodorant. It only took about 4 years but it happened. I like this new stuff more actually. I'm not pregnant in case that was still a worry of yours. I know you were concerned for an entire comment thread.

I think that's it. That's been my life so far. I'm hungry. The end.

I love you kids.

4 loves | <3

labyrinth

:: 2009 8 August :: 1.05am

Going out to lunch with my dad is always depressing now because we're not on the same page. I sort of dread going to restaurants and eating. Whenever I eat, I feel fat. I don't like eating anymore. It makes me depress..

godessalthena

:: 2009 6 August :: 8.26pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Snow Patrol

teh lightnings!
There is a HUGE storm outside right now!! It is crazy pouring and thunder and lightning all over!! It gives me goosebumps!

Sus gave me one of my anniversary presents today! It was more memory for my computer! That means I can actually use it for something other than internets and it will actually work! So I've been listening to music and working on the last part of his gift.. I really hope he likes it. I cried making it! It is really special to me. I think it'll be for him too.

I also cleaned the kitchen and tidyed up the living room and guest room. I didn't clean as much as I would have liked, but I didn't really feel motivated or anything today.. too shitty of a night last night.

But man, listening to this music and doing things with my hands and this huge summer storm is perfect for feeling happy and wonderful and in awe of how spectacularly breath-taking the world can be. I'm so happy that I'm with such a wonderful person and that we can celebrate a hard year with a perfect day. and evening.

I really can't wait for tomorrow. It'll be so amazing :)

p.s. our new downstairs neighbors and two little girls and a little boy. i can hear them squeeking right now because of the lightnings :3 chillin's are so coote.

2 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 5 August :: 8.11pm
:: Mood: crushed

i really, really just need to give up.

i'm nothing but a burden and a bad choice to them.
and i really need to be ok with that.

i'm just numbers. negative numbers. and i'm done with it.

i hate them.
and they hate me.
and that's all that needs to be said.

i want to die.

3 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 4 August :: 5.05pm

i kinda want to laugh really hard.. and cry.. like a whole lot.

i ate pizza last night.. and LOST 2 POUNDS imagine that! haha. i still have 30lbs to lose in 3 months.. with kinda sucks since after the first 30 nothing wants to come off.. but i'm determined and I know i can do it.

I wrote my parents an email yesterday.. i'm afraid to check if they've written me back because i'm terrified of what they'll say. i don't really know what horrible thing they could say that i'm not already expecting. it's almost like i feel as though if i open it they'll jump out of the screen and kill me. its like a panic attack just thinking about it.

i really can't wait to move back to seattle at this point. i'm ready to have a good job and be making money so i can put myself through school and show everyone that i can do it.

bleh.