lalala

Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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:: 2009 23 June :: 7.58pm
:: Mood: drunk
:: Music: COME ON EILEEN!!!

so i'm a little drunk right now.. wine drunk. :)

anyway, i made some super amazingly tastey hot wings today! MMMMHMMMM they was spicy and they was moist and delicious~! they were the best hotwings i've evbetr made1

anyway. haha so.. I', thinking that the posts i've been posting have been ot relly me talking but the depression. at this point i'm prettyt sure its a chemical imbalance and not just be being a big fuckign whiner. (i know, i know, WTP haven't i just accepted that yet??)

so i've been bugging my work about COBRA (HISSSS no really it stands for the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act that i think was passed in '84 or '94 but idk i can't remember. i llike the workd omnibus, or anything with omni in it ahahah) so i can go see someone and get some MEDZZZ so I can acutally enjoy the life i want to destroy YAY!

but today really turned around.. lord knows why. I was so bummed and depressed and crying this morning and now i'm all drunk and tipsey and giggly.

OMG i want a friend to go to karaokee bars with!! I can't wait to get trashed and then sing my lilttle heart out infront of strangers!! what oculd serisously be betytet? wtp better hahah

I ALSO need to tell you all about my super hot boyfriend. SUS.. pronounced Suh-ssss.. not like Zeus with an S instead of Z. He is really hot when he is all shiney from working out and he shows off all of his amazing muscley goodness. and his nice hands. he has really nice elegant and strong hands. and he's amazing at sneaking up on me. he scared me so badly once, it was greay! I screamed like a little scarey cat! and he's soooo adorable when he's sleepy and he looks so happy. and he has really nice hair. and really hot snake bites. and he is treally hot in the bathtub when he lays down. he always looks liek he's really enjoying washing his hair. it makes me all warma nd fuzzy inside!!

i wish i had never told him about the soap on his forehead. tho sometimes he forgets and its the best.

he's 11 ninjas.]

i've lost a lot of weight since i started being serious about dieting. before the weekend at home i was down to 195!! so proud of myself :) and now with these hot wing i am UNSTOPPABLE

<3<3

i love sus.
and i love spicey food.
and i love.. me when i'm happy,

M#gakrga
lo ve love lvoe!

<2 amelia

:: 2009 23 June :: 11.34am

well.....

....

i don't think i want to be anyone anymore.
i think i just want to be what other people want still.
its easier that way. and there's less internal conflict..

i mean.. i'll hate myself either way, right? so why waste all that effort just to continue with the hate?

i feel lilke my life is so futile and mostly empty. i feel like i'm going to be stuck waiting for something to happen forever.. i don't even feel like writing this.

i really just want everything to end. i feel like i have no meaning to live anymore. my life is void of any meaningful goals that are obtainable. i feel like there's really nothing for me here. I hate spokane with all my heart. i hate what its done to me and to sus.

i really hate me too. because i'm stuck in a horrible limbo of being me and being who i think would make him the happiest. all i really want is reassurance from someone... anyone.. who i can really talk to.. so i know that i'm not just doing things for him... and that the things i am doing are what is right and good for me.

i feel so mentally retarded and emotionally fucked up. i hate this.

:: 2009 22 June :: 1.11pm

so this weekend was.. OK.

I spent it with my family because Sus was in Seattle visiting his dad. It was weird to spend so much time in my old home.. All the familiar smells and rooms... It felt so wrong and alien and towards the end led to some small anxiety attacks. I felt like everything was.. Like a dream that I had forgotten so long ago. The house felt so empty and cold, tho, just three years earlier that was how I lived my every day life. It was such a strange experience.

It was a really nice feeling, tho, to see the face my dad made when i gave him his present. He smiled. For real, and it made me feel like I really made his day with it. I've been waiting to feel like that from my dad for a really long time now. It made the weekend pretty ok.

Sus came home last night late.. Around 3. I had to fall asleep in the house alone.. In the dark.. Before he got home.. And it was terrifying! But I did it. And no nightmares :). When he got back we were both exhausted, but he was just looking so fucking hot and I had missed him so insanely much that we had some really nice, passionate, I missed you so much sex. It made me purr. and if I didn't have a sore throat it would have probably made me scream too :) he really is amazing. like.. ZOMG amazing.

orgasmic even hahahah

Josh might be getting out of the hospital today!!!!!!! I really cannot wait to see him.

:: 2009 18 June :: 1.51pm

i have some turkey legs and i have NO idea how to cook them.. I loved smoked turkey, but I have no liquid smoke or a smoker.. :/ lame. I'm probably going to end up poaching them or braising them and then using the broth and what not for soup or something.. we'll see.

i'm super tired today. i took a melatonin thinking we'd sleep in, but we didn't get to.. oh well.

i'm tired of searching for jobs. there are none and that's completely retarded.

I think I'm hungry.. but I really don't want to eat anything we have.. it's all just so... blah. meaty. I hate diets.

I want josh to get out of the freaking hospital already. GRRR. and I want to meet some new people. But its spokane.

Kitty's going to be moving in with us soon. We're going to draw together and decorate her room together and she'll get healthy and happy and then we'll all go back to seattle in october and things will be peachy!! Only two more weeks.

We went to the dollar store yesterday and bought some little cups.. They are really cute! We got 6 for $3 and they all have some kind of fruit or veggie on them. They are super awesome!

Chase is a shitty ass bank. I want wamu back.. :(

[ edit ]
so i roasted one of the turkey legs. it was f'ing delicious! tho, i think i'll marinade it next time.. it was kind of... bland.. then with the other two i boiled them in chicken broth with carrots, onions and celery with some herbs and olive oil. i'm going to take the meat off of the bones and then make some potato dumplings for sus to enjoy with our.. turkey and dumplings! turkey is a lot cheaper than chicken for some reason.. and i personally think it tastes a lot better, so we're going to be eating more turkey from now on.

i can't wait until i have a slow cooker :)

:: 2009 15 June :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: cheerful

i think i think to myself too much.
at this point i can't remember what i've said and what i have only had in my mind.. it's kind of funny haha

today i met josh's jaja. i think that's how you spell it.. at any rate, she was super cute and really sweet. she touched my tattoos and told me that they were very beautiful :) she also joked with either josh or her husband that she was checking me out haha it was so cute. apparently josh's family completely adores sus and i which feels really good. i'm glad that josh thinks so highly of me and that his family does too :)

crazy summer rain today! sus caught a rainbow and sent it to me <3 he's so sweet! I got totally drenched and then sat on the porch with my brother, just watching the rain. it was breathtaking. i can remember storms in the summer from years ago.. running in it barefoot with sarah.. dancing in it.. the big downpours in the summer were always the best.. there's just something so magical about it. its one of the things i really love about spokane and something i really miss.. but it was wonderful to feel like that again. to forget that anything is wrong and just be totally in the moment..

just happy that the world could be so.. perfectly chaotic. and so refreshing.

today has been a really nice day, despite having to not be with sus for it :/ which super sucked. the only thing that would have made the rain better would have been watching it with him.. <3 but tomorrow we will see each other again and it will be sooooo nice!!

things are going really well. and my life is getting better. and in a few months we'll be in seattle, where my bed can be under a window and i can hear the rain fall every night.. where i can meet people who think like me and sus and i can make new friends and have new experiences together.. and just be... happy. :)

i can't wait to start my life again. i can't wait to start a real life with sus.

<3

:: 2009 14 June :: 5.36pm

ok so. sangria. tastes like fruity beer.

and it really fucked me up haha.
it was really fun.. except when i woke up still drunk haha.

we started watching John Adams and Firefly. Both of which are AMAZING shows and I love them both very much. We tried to watch a robin hood series but it really didn't work out.

I'm starting to think that.. I only feel really, manically depressed and hopeless when I'm on my period. And I don't think I acutally feel half of the things I felt when I wrote that entry. I just was having hormone issues haha. go being a girl.

Home is boring. We bought a new scale. It measures body fat percentage along with hydration levels and bone density. i'm a little worried, tho, because no matter how much water i drink, my hydration stays at 44% or so.. it should be 50%. when i go bathroom i'm peeing water. so i'm not really sure what's going on or if its something that i should be worrying about.

we fixed our vacuum :) it runs like a motherfucking champion now! it had the wrong size belt and it also had a completely full filter. we cleaned the filter and the horrible wet dog smell went away haha.

oh. last night we went on a late night run to walmart to get the sangria. i was driving because i hadn't had anything to drink since like.. 8 or 9 and it was 1 am haha.. on the way back there was a dead animal in the road and i freaked out a little. haha once i swerved to miss hitting a little mouse (which, btw, we saw a little cute mouse at walmart by the carts!) so i didn't want to hit whatever it was since i thought it was still alive.. but it had already been hit by another car. i couldn't really tell you what it was.. it looked like a gigantic mole, but idk if moles could get that big..

anyway.. things are ok. once we get jobs things will be bitchin'.

:: 2009 11 June :: 7.05pm

well after that rant i feel a bazillion times better..

i think.

idk.

i need a friend. and not the shitty friends i used to have.. i need someone who will keep my secrets liked i keep theirs. someone who won't abandon me for dicks and booze.. someone who really means it when they say they won't judge me and really trusts me when they say they trust me. i don't want a liar or a two-faced egocentric selfish spoiled rat who says things to make herself look better. someone who wants to be independant and will say so. someone who loves themself.. someone who really gives a shit about people.. i need someone who's patient and will help me.

i really need help. and i really doubt that any human in this whole world is even remotely capable of what i need in a friend.

and i'm not saying i'm perfect. but at least i can keep a secret...

(tho i really don't want to.)

actually i take that back.. people are capable of being good.. they are just WAY too busy being assholes to care anymore. they need to be stuck in their shitty relationships and dead end jobs and they need to do all their drugs and drink all their booze and then piss on the people who care about them and laugh about it. because that's what "adults" do and that's what we have all been waiting to become.

FUCK THAT.

if i could, i wouldn't live in this apartment. i wouldn't live in spokane. i wouldn't constantly worry about all the shitty things going on in my life and i wouldn't think about all the horrible things that have happened to me within the last year for no reason. i would lay in the grass... i would look at the clouds. i would have friends and just forget about how shitty every little thing in the "adult" world is. because it really is all shit. ALL of it. and it isn't worth wishing your life away when you're young.

but i'm going to become someone now. i have a new attitude. i have.. no hope or optimism for the future, but at least i don't have to worry about next month's rent.. and i'm ok with that..

i really just have to take my life one day at a time right now. i just really need to stop dwelling on my past and i need to think about how i can be a better me right now.

or that i'm already an awesome person and people love me.
its just hard to remember. it always has been. ever since elementary school.
but sus loves me. and adam loves me. and josh loves me. and they are all really amazing people.

i'm lucky to have what i do.
and i'm lucky that i have so much feeling and passion in my life. and that i feel something new everyday. even if its painful or horrible, its something beautiful in its own way.

the world is very beautiful.
somehow i forgot that.

but... i'm glad i'm here. even if its hard.

:: 2009 10 June :: 3.41pm

so.. i'm all mood swingie..

and it sucks, but w/e.. it'll be over soon enough.

i keep dreaming about death or the apocolypse.. it's kinda scary.

josh is getting better :) they finally figured out what was wrong with him and now he's walking again! I'm so excited for him to get out of the hospital and get rested up so we can hang out again! I miss him!

200 new jobs posted for spokane and i can't apply to any of them because i'm not a doctor or a previous manager. LAME

:: 2009 8 June :: 3.47pm

so...

i hate my life.
and..
i have no where to really express the hatred of my life.
i want to take a million showers a day to try and wash off myself.
but water can't fix what's on the inside.
it can't fix what other people have maimed..

its not my fault i hate myself. its my fault that i can't just take the whole bottle and forget it.

[ edit ]
so.. there's something that i want to get off my chest:

Read more..

:: 2009 5 June :: 3.14am

I'm 4. And I'm beautiful.

Photobucket

:: 2009 4 June :: 8.10pm

Okay, kids.

I have a question/request.

My deodorant just isn't cutting it anymore.

Apparently I sweat when I'm hot now? This never used to happen. I am obviously out of my element.

So what do you guys use? Guys meaning GIRLS. Because I tried using Nick's and it doesn't work. Unless you have asexual deodorant.

:: 2009 1 June :: 11.12pm

i'm bored. and lonely. i wish i had a job.

i've been thinking a lot about myself lately.. doing some introspection.. trying to figure things out so i can stop being so damned depressed all the time.

it's a known fact i hate myself, i always have.. but i never really knew why. i feel like a person that society hates. that the conservative christians would burn alive if they could. i feel like if i believed in god, i would surely believe i'm going to hell and i hate that. what i hate more is knowing that i'm going to die and my life will be completely moot and i can't enjoy my life despite that fact. i want to be happy and take advantage of my youth and have a really good time while i still can. i also want to buy a house and have a family.

i just don't feel like i can do the first one.

i feel like if i enjoy the things i wish i could, i'll be a bad and irresponsible person, despite the fact that i'm the most responsible person i know. i feel like i'll be disappointing someone, though at this point i don't know who that would be since i'm just one fucking huge disappointment to anyone who i might care about in that reguard. i don't really understand why i feel this way. why i feel like no matter what i do i'm a bad person - for either enjoying my life or not living my life. it feels like those are my only two options. and its not fair.

i want to be ok with the person i am. i want to love myself. but there are so many things i perceive as wrong with me that i don't think it's possible to dig myself out of this hole of self-loathing. i "know" who i "am" but i don't feel like that is me. i feel like i'm an observer in this body and the things i do aren't really things i would do. idk.. it's confusing and i just wish i could flush all these thoughts down the toilet. that's where they belong.

:: 2009 1 June :: 9.18pm

Fuck allergies.

Seriously.
They make me so not happy.

:: 2009 1 June :: 12.52pm

while we were driving on the highway, we hit a deer. it was being a complete fucking dumbass like all deer and was hanging out in the middle of the lane. it was the one second sus looked at me rather than the road and it hit on my side and it seriously looked like it exploded all over my side of the car..

we found the body and he was still intact, but his spine was shattered and his legs were going all the wrong ways.. there was deer hair all over the car.. dents in the door.. the hood is totally fucked and so is the light assembly on that side.. and sus thinks it might have fucked up the radiator too.. its going to be pretty spendy :/

and the best part is!! we just recharged the a/c on the car. haha and now the car is pretty much totaled. :) i love my life!

but on the positive side, on the car ride we talked about a lot of things.. and i feel like he understands where i'm coming from better and understands why i do the things i do better. and i understand him a little better too. this weekend was kinda shitty, but we went to neighbors and it was really, really fun. i didn't drink until i got home, but i still had a fucking blast hanging out with four wasted people haha. though, the day after i had the worst hangover i've ever had. and then we hit that deer and i almost threw up.. the adrenaline was making me feel SO fucking sick.

charissa was really awesome :) probably the most fun cousin i've met simply because she's a lot more like sus and i than any of the other cousins. and she smelt really nice. at first i thought she didn't really like me because we didn't really don't look similar at all.. she looks like a party preppy ish girl and i looked like trash ahaha. but she was super nice and everything. her bf was ok. he kept touching my boob tattoos and i think it made everyone feel really awkward.. but i didn't really know how to tell him to stop. haha he also stroked my hair and told me i was beautiful. so weird.

anyway.. i'm getting sick of having something good going for me and then having something fucked up happen. but at least soon i'll be out of spokane and able to find a job and make things work.

:: 2009 30 May :: 11.57pm

so.

At NewJob this week, we actually had to do some work. We had to call up hotels and supply them with credit card info for some guests. The reasoning is really boring and lame. Of course, we got assigned hotels that speak our language.

Ug ug.

So I call up a hotel and the guy has no idea what I'm getting at. He cannot understand my French. (It was pretty terrible. My first call, haven't spoken French in ages, super nervous etc.) Anyway, he can't find the reservation and puts me on hold for long enough that I begin to think he's trying to get rid of me. He comes back finally and I tell him I have the reservation number if he wants to look it up by that. Sure, he says, let's try that.

I read the number (which of course has to be nine numbers long, three sets of three. It can't just be three numbers.) and he repeats it back to me. "Cent vingt neuf. Trois cent quarante cinq..." He can't understand quarante of all numbers. Okay, "un deux neuf. Trois quatre cinq." He's with me so far. Thank goodness. This isn't that bad after all! "Un six neuf." He repeats it back to me: "un huit neuf."

Oh no. Please don't do this to me. I know my French sucks but SIX (6) sounds nothing like HUIT (8).

Kids, six sounds like "cease." It is nowhere near huit which sounds like "wheat". It had to have been a phone problem because I was clearly saying CEASE. NOT WHEAT.

"Pas huit...six."

"Huit."

"Six."

"Huit. Un huit neuf."

"SIX! SIX!"

"Huit."

Sure whatever. Huit. I don't care anymore. He's never going to find the person anyway.

So he can't find the reservation and finally we both give up. He says he found it and has the credit card number and I can't/don't want to fight with him.

I au revoir him and move on.

Next guy I call up can't understand me either. He switches to English. And I'm all, whatever, I love English. It's my native language. So I get it done in English and call the next one.

Who also switches to English.

Then I call the next one. Who ends up getting upset that I said his fax machine wasn't working. I am sorry but it wasn't. He also switches to English but doesn't speak good English so we're doing a half and half thing and he calms down. He flirts with me and invites me to Corsica because the weather is wonderful. Everything ends up going well and he finds everything and I'm done. I remember to get his name: Philippe.

The moral of the story: my French is terrible.

Then last week, I end up fighting with Hope girl because I hate French people and French and she's all why'd you apply for the job then and I'm all for the thousandth time, they found me. And it turns out she's dating a French guy and gets all defensive and it's awful. Oh and she's one of those uptight controlling people. And I'm the exact opposite. You know me, I'm completely chill. It's not going to kill me so I don't care.

Anyway things are crazy. I wouldn't be able to survive it if my class and my trainers weren't so awesome.
Read more..

:: 2009 30 May :: 1.30pm

It smells so good outside today.

:: 2009 29 May :: 12.55pm

I emailed West to see if I can get my job back with them.

We're going to Seattle this weekend! I'm so excited! We get to eat SUSHI!!!! And see Sus's cousin.

I can not frickin wait to move back over there!!!! I think we're going to live in MLT or somewhere around there... I kinda want to move to Edmonds. I really liked it there when I went with Shaunte. Sus is interested in Shoreline or MLT... And I haven't really visited either place so... i'm not sure..

All I know is if we save up the $4,000, we can replace Sus's crappy car when we get over to Seattle, and then we'd only need to rent a truck to move with. OMG I am so fucking excited!!

But October is SO far away.. :/ I don't want to wait that long. By then it will have been a whole year since we moved over here.. It's been so long. It's been too long in this stiflilng little shit face town. I just want to leave and never come back...

I hung out with Josh yesterday and we got sushi. I haven't been out in a really long time and it was nice to sit and eat good food and listen to his stories.. I'm really going to miss him..

:: 2009 28 May :: 11.17pm

oh to the em gee
This work week has been hilarious.

More details tomorrow. I should be in bed.

:: 2009 26 May :: 1.52pm

i went to my family's home yesterday and spoke a lot with my brother.

i need to get some help.. i feel like i'm as lost as i was when i was 17... I know that what I want and what I need are completely different and I know that my family knows nothing about either. Some of the things my brother told me made a lot of sense and I completely agree with, and other things I really didn't see eye-to-eye with him.

I talked to Adam too, who I trust his opinion more than almost everyone else's. I'm so glad I have him as a friend still, and I'm so glad that I can always go to him without being afraid that he's going to judge me and condemn me for being myself. He told me that the plan I have is good and all that is holding me back is myself and my fear. And I agree, I'm just so scared that I'm going to fail that I can hardly make the first step.

I've decided that I want to succeed by myself. I think I may have said it before and I keep flip-flopping on the issue, but yesterday really helped me open my eyes. I'm so easily swayed by what I think will get me the most love, and not what I think is best for me. Being happy is what is important to me. Living in Seattle makes me happy, doing things on my own makes me feel accomplished and happy. I don't need anyone else's help but my own.

I've decided that I'm going to move back to Seattle as soon as possible. I'm going to extend my lease until October and advertise our extra room so we can save more money. Then, I'm going to get a job in Seattle and work off my debt for a year and get emancipated from my parents so I can get fincial aid and Pell grants. Then I'm going to find a school and get a degree in radiology because it is a field with job security and it will always be something I can build on and it will always be in demand, and it pays very very well. Plus I am intelligent enough to get through it with good marks. And besides, I need to finally have a CHALLENGE in my life.

I'm really lucky to have the friends I do... I'm so glad Brittany and I reconnected! We're going to Seattle this weekend together! I'm so fricken excited! We're going to meet Sus's cousin Charissa and we're going to go to a club or two! Brittany, Sus and I went to Demsey's on Friday and it was SO FUCKING FUN! The drag show was totally wonderful ahaha and we met a guy named Martin who was pretty fun! He's never been to Seattle.. Which is weird to me... But whatev, it was a lot of fun!

And it's going to be a lot of fun this weekend. I'm just a little concerned about money, but I'll work it out!

I just need to stop being afraid and commit. There is nothing I can't do.

[ edit ]

i honestly didn't think she could get any lower. but seriously.. i hope she really does gets aids. and herpes. on her mouth and in her crotch.

:: 2009 19 May :: 10.45pm
:: Mood: happy

Mhmmmmmmmm today was a good day :)
and i hope a lot more of my days will be at least half as awesome as today.

i love sus <3

:: 2009 16 May :: 7.35pm

Okay.

First week of NewJob went okay. It actually was a whole lot better by week's end. I am going to have to get over this not liking to speak French thing since that's my job now. Sigh etc.

I have a stupid NewJob story that happened on Wednesday and I wrote on Wednesday:

Today [Wednesday], we had a trainer come in and teach us Google Earth [which I TOTALLY already know and used when it first came out]. Before we started, he went around the room and asked our names and for us to say something in our language. He was French African.

Please tell me you are feeling the same thing I was: DREAD. PANIC. DREAD.

So we go around the room and everyone is saying five bajillion sentences and the other two French people have great accents and each have two paragraphs prepared already.

So he gets to me and all I can think to say is "ta mère est un pamplemousse." I can't call his mother a grapefruit! Who knows what connotation that has! I am probably calling her a whore or something.

What do I do? What do I do? OH! MAKE A JOKE! People love jokes! They will be so busy laughing that they won't notice that you say "Bone-jewurrr y'all"! Make a joke, Rachel.

Do I say my name in French or English? What did the Hope girl say? KAH-Rhen? Okay, so French.

"Je m'appelle Rachelle et je ne parle pas français."

Everyone is staring at me. Why are they staring? Did I miss an article? "Parlez-vous anglais?" No. No article needed. I said the "ne" but they can forgive that, I was nervous, I had to prepare a simple sentence. THIS IS A JOKE. I just said "I don't speak French" in French! Ha ha. Laugh already. No one is laughing. Okay.

"Ceci n'est pas une pipe...?"

Did they get it? Okay. He got it. And I got a little laugh. Ugh. Do these people have no sense of humor? Hope girl is staring at me. I'm not even looking at British guy. Heaven forbid he judge me. He's British. We left them for a reason. And Hope girl liked France. Screw them.

Reasoning doesn't stop the embarrassment. I can feel myself turning red. I am warm, it's warm in here. Ugh. I am a retard. Why did I think this job would be okay? I can no longer get away with the fact that I don't speak French.

I told them up front. I told them it was terrible! It's not my fault!

During break, I am furiously checking the internet as I have chosen sleep over Google Reader for the past week and have 97 unread items. I AM STARING AT THE SCREEN AND NOT WELCOMING CONTACT.

Hope girl turns around. TURN BACK AROUND, GIRL. DO NOT WANT YOUR HUMORLESS FACE LOOKING AT ME. AM ON THE INTERNETS.

"Bonjour, Rachelle."

Cut her off, cut her off! There's no way I'm speaking French to her and letting her judge me. I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND. I hate France! I hate French! I just told you I don't speak French.

"Oh, no. I cannot think to speak French today." Still staring at my 97 Google Reader items. Must label all interesting things.

"Oh. I was just... I was wondering why you said you didn't speak French."

I looked over at her. Oh, God. She is looking at me with pity and concern. Cut it off quick! No friends! No pity! No French!

"It was A JOKE."

"Oh." She turns back around quickly. The conversation is over.

Was I just a bitch to her? I think I was just a bitch. Whatever. She's not talking to me.

Ugh. Why don't these people get jokes?

At least they are all nice.

:: 2009 13 May :: 9.35pm

I don't like being a grownup. It is not fun. Ugh.

:: 2009 10 May :: 10.07pm

"Be careful if you choose not to share your annoyance with someone today, because a minor irritation could fester and turn into a more serious problem. But you must be equally cautious if you decide to talk about your current frustration. You could inadvertently make the matter worse if you place blame on a friend or partner. You can minimize your discomfort by expressing your feelings without making any unfair judgments."

So I should just let it be?

Gah. Life is so stupid.
I just want to sleep.

:: 2009 7 May :: 11.49pm

I am done with college, kids.

On Saturday, I will graduate as a BA with a BA!

Drinks, guys? Friday or Saturday night would be best. Let me know. Let's party like it's 2009!

:: 2009 6 May :: 12.43pm

i'm going friends only for a while..
because harpies never stop with their old games.

:: 2009 4 May :: 9.40pm

I am doing my final French translation project (Due tomorrow although it has been in my possession for...over a month. I lost it for a while and was afraid I'd have to get another copy.) and my professor gave us the weirdest things to translate.

For some reason, he gave us all old articles about the dangers of these newfangled things called...wait for it...COMPUTERS. Mine is an article from May 1991 about keeping medical records (dramatic pause) ON COMPUTERS (gasp, faint in terror etc.).

My favorite part so far?

No, it's not the part about keeping our precious family history on terribly not safe things called computers.

No, it's not the part where they talk about this whole process being a conspiracy between pharmaceutical labs and an early Apple company called NeXT (who really is only in it because the technology is available and they want to be ahead of the game).

No, my favorite part is where the author rambles on about the things that are going to be transmitted from computer to computer. Things like...photos! And...X-Rays! And...EKGs! And...notes they took when we came into the doctor's office and we talked to the doctor! His biggest fear? The fear that closes the second paragraph? He fears that while computers are in black and white now, someday they may be in color. And they will be capable of transmitting all sorts of documents like calculations performed in spreadsheets that will be able to make 3D plans!

It's great fun but this article is really way too long. Yeah final project blah blah but I'd rather be done with this already. Stupid homework.

Never again after Saturday, kids! NEVER AGAIN!

I love you all.

:: 2009 4 May :: 10.03am

i feel kinda sick.
and my phone isn't working..
i think i'm going to see a dr after work.
money is tight.
and i don't like the way my future is looking in the next several months.

but seattle was amazing and wonderful and i can't wait to move back there and be somewhere beautiful and intelligent and fun... instead of this hick backwater town full of selfish idiotic people who heads are so far up their asses they walk funny.

:: 2009 30 April :: 2.53am

Let me tell you about the not terrible at all things I am doing to show you that my life is actually awesome and not terrible at all.
Throw up throw up throw up throw up.

Last class tomorrow. Still have 4+ papers (best estimate has been 5-6) and one exam next week Thursday.

Cap and gown threw me over the edge. Puke puke. And of course people at work can't stop talking about how next Thursday is my last day.

I got that job by the way. Sorry, things got in the way so I haven't talked about it. Remember the one I talked about earlier? I had a French interview after my normal one and I guess it went well because I start the Monday after graduation: May 11. Ugh. Adult life is such a bummer. But full time, one and a half times what I'm making now plus benefits after 90 days is kind of nice, I guess.

I applied to another government job. This one requires a civil service exam. The next testing period is in June and since I have a real world job now, I have to choose a date during the weekend. Of course, the second I got home to set a date, all the testing times at GRCC were taken. Same with East Lansing. And Dearborn. So I could choose Auburn Hills, Caro or Sault Ste Marie. Guess which one was the only city with Saturday testing times available. That's right. Sault Sainte Marie.

So on June 6, I will be driving by myself to the UP for the first time. I have never been to the UP. I have never driven by myself for longer than two hours. And since the test is at 10:30 in the morning, I should leave by at least 6:30.

Is there anything awesome up there? I definitely am going to stop at the locks because I'm a dork and locks are awesome. And I hear there are waterfalls up there somewhere too. I might as well make a day of it. Let me know what I need to see and where I need to go. My camera is definitely coming with me.

Okay I just googled some waterfalls and not only are they a little disappointing but they are also basically in Wisconsin. So I definitely need some tips. Is Sault Sainte Marie a cool town? Should I just stay around there?

I'd like to say a little something here about stupid people but I decided to say this instead:

You have one life to live. You have a ton of time left to live it. (Don't you start in on me about how old you are. Look at how far you've come. You are still young, kid.) Are you really going to waste some of that time worrying about what might happen? There are so many things out there you could be doing. There are so many places to see and people to meet. Stop sitting around worrying about whoever the news is telling you is coming after you, hates you, wants to get you. Stop thinking about catching whatever they say is out there from paper plates or pop cans or popcorn or other people. Are you going to waste this moment of your life inside? Worrying? Scared? Live. Do things. Love. Hug someone, love someone, do something. Just breathe. In. Out. Live.

I have only been alive for 22 years. Do you know how much I still get to do? I get to get married, have kids, have adventures, have grandchildren, live a long life. I get to graduate from college next week with a bachelor's degree. Who knows what the next 22 years hold for me? I am excited.

I love you guys. For serious. I hope you all are doing okay and aren't too stressed out. Just keep breathing and put it in perspective. Papers aren't going to kill you. Exams aren't going to kill you. Do it and get it over with.

I love you.

:: 2009 29 April :: 10.48am

OH MY FRICKEN GOD I'M GOING TO FRICKEN SEATTLE TODAY AND JESUS I AM SO EXCITED I'M GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!

:: 2009 28 April :: 12.45pm

I hate April
Nick's coworker also passed away Sunday night. He was 35, divorced and had two daughters. He had a massive heart attack and never woke up.

The only good thing about this month is that it is almost over.

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