The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2013 26 January :: 12.08am

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs. I have really enjoyed my weekend for the most part, but there have been parts where it fucking sucked.

Tonight was pretty awesome. Today in general was pretty awesome! I got to see so many awesome people.

Unfortunately, my back hurts so fucking bad. I want to cry. :(

:: 2013 14 January :: 2.54pm
:: Mood: Defeated

I am a loser. And that's all I will ever be.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 12 January :: 12.50pm

I had a really fun time last night! I was nice to get out of the house and hang out with Lauren! And Sus seemed like he had a good time being out in public too :) Though now my voice is fucked up..

I saw something that I think I need to bring up to someone. And I'm afraid to because I don't want to fuck up a relationship.. But I don't know the whole story, and I don't want to automatically assume the worst about someone. I just need to approach it with some finesse I suppose..

Anywho, first week of the Survivor challenge out of the way! The first two workouts were nuthin' but the third one this week was soooo challenging to get out of the way. Working out intensely for three days straight is so intense. But I feel really good! The nutritionist wants me eating 1600 calories in a day, but I only have been eating like.. 800-1200, and I haven't been feeling tired or weak or light headed.. So I'm apprehensive about trying to fit that many more calories into my diet.

I guess we'll see at the weigh-in. I really want to win the $1000!!

:: 2013 6 January :: 12.25pm

I will admit, I'm more than just a little angry.

:: 2013 5 January :: 6.58pm

Slowly but surely things are happening..

And I'm scared now. I have no idea what to expect or what's going to happen. It's a new adventure and I'm terrified.

I won't be paralyzed, just scared for a bit.

:: 2013 3 January :: 1.41pm

Maybe I should just go crawl in a hole and die. I'm a loser. A fat stupid loser and that's all I'll ever be.

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 1 January :: 11.57am

happy new year
Well, one more year, one more opportunity to change shit.. or something.

Samie and I have signed up for this 12 week challenge at a local gym near our work. They apparently have trainers there that can help people with injuries (such as a herniated disk, like me) so as long as I just follow their directions, I won't die. There are 1st 2nd and 3rd place winners - 1st place wins $1000, 2nd wins $250, 3rd wins $100 or something. Hopefully this works haha

I'm just so ready for a new year to start. I can't wait to finally start accomplishing my goals.

:: 2012 30 December :: 12.28pm
:: Mood: Disgusting

Goodbye self esteem
This whole week has been crushing my ego on a massive scale. Honestly I wish I could just crawl into a hole and hide for a while. I think I'm going to live in my hoodie.

I wish I wish I wish... What I could do is just do it.

But apathy is lethal and I'm having a hard time giving any fucks. Period.

:: 2012 25 December :: 2.16pm

Rainbow hair, don't care

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2012 24 December :: 5.35pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: parachute

Do you ever wonder why life gets so bad?

I can't help but worry about mom and dad. And I keep having all these bad dreams about my friends getting breast cancer and my parents don't have enough money to eat and I'm always so helpless to do anything worthwhile.

I know it's not my fault why things are the way they are.. but on the ride to work, looking at the snow on the trees on hills far away.. I couldn't help but wonder why we keep going, where this is all going and what are we really doing here?

I remembered how much animosity I used to have for my parents, and how much hatred I used to feel towards certian people and how that's all so meaningless now. I have always wanted a family I was close to and friends who loved me. Now I finally have both and I am so glad.

But this sadness has really seems to have taken up roots into my heart and I feel like they will never come up. I just can't help but feel like my insides are just all black and cold.

Sometimes I just have to try and remind myself that it's not my fault I'm like this. And sometimes that really isn't enough.

I just wish I didn't feel so.. helpless and terrified.

But the future will never be certain, and the only certainty I have is who I am inside.

But what do I stand for anymore?

4 tulips | bloom

:: 2012 20 December :: 8.25pm

somewhere inside that cold, stoic woman is a terrified little girl...

she's still waiting to be saved.. to know what it feels like to not be so alone..

but someday she'll understand there's no such thing, it's all a faerie tale..

and she's poisoned like all of us.

:: 2012 20 December :: 5.44pm
:: Mood: depressed

I had bad dreams last night.. and now I'm reconsidering the choices I'm making..

I feel scared and worried. I'm so so tired.

And I'm bored.

:: 2012 16 December :: 1.06pm

I wonder how long this crushed feeling is going to hang around...

I just feel so depressed. Sad, disheartened, lost.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

:: 2012 15 December :: 2.19pm

Both of my dogs chase their tails. My older dog growls while he does it. I'm not sure why they do it, because they have to know their tails are their own.

It's adorable anyway. I love these puppies!

:: 2012 11 December :: 12.33pm

it's finally friday.. so I am going to finally get to dye my hair.

I am ready to stay home and just do homework and watch the sapranos and crochet. I need a little break from all the shit i've been doing.

i think samie and i are getting manicures this friday?

anyway, on to homework.. bleh!

3 tulips | bloom

:: 2012 7 December :: 2.50pm
:: Mood: crushed

I just feel so incredibly sad. And I need someone to hold me and tell me they feel the same. And that everything will turn out ok...

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2012 3 December :: 1.11pm

I feel sick. Like I'm going to throw up all over everything. Is it fucking Tuesday yet? :(

6 tulips | bloom

:: 2012 1 December :: 12.33pm
:: Mood: disappointed

Someday, I'll start caring.

It should be today, but honestly.. Life is too sad to care right now.

But is it really? I mean.. I'm no more sad than I was a few months ago. A few years ago. I'm always sad.

It's just gotten to the point where I need to do something.. Or die.

It just.. is depressing.. that I've let myself get like this.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2012 29 November :: 4.58pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Entering a period of extreme change in my life, and it's terrifying, but also a little exciting, and very sad.

I'm a big mix of emotions, but I think what I'm doing is the right choice for me. And I'm hoping that this will put me on the right path in making the best choices for myself moving forward.

I'm still really sad the way things turned out, and I wish things could have been different... But maybe this will be the best thing for everyone involved. I really hope it turns out to be like that.

I hate growing up. I have hated almost every single thing about it. Everything is so much more difficult, so much more stressful, so much more confusing and heart breaking.

But I also look back at all the mementos of my adolescence and I realize, I was so fucked up back then. I am SO much better now than I was in the past... And I'm very glad I've gotten the help I need to move past all the terrible things in my past.

Everything will end up fine. It just takes time.

5 tulips | bloom

:: 2012 25 November :: 1.40pm

So I've gotten most of the shopping done for holiday gifts.

This year these gifts are going to be hilariously wonderful!

I'm excited XD

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