:: 2003 13 October :: 3.23 pm
:: Mood: blah

All cried out
I dont think I can cry anymore. I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I am writting this journal becaus I thought I figured out what I wanted to do. But as I sit here and write I've decided that I still dont know. No one but Buck knows what actually happened. Well, me John and Buck. Maybe I should talk to him about it. Or maybe I should talk to a new person, let them in on the hell that has become my life. I've decided I wont go see Randy. I started thinking and the chance of him and I doing something just isnt worth it. He knows I wouldnt want to do anything but I still think that he would try. And I dont like to be vulnerable around him. He tends to use that against me. So at least I have that part figured out. But other than that I've got nothing. The 24th Mal and I are going to Pete Yorn. I can look forward to that. Maybe for an hour or two I can just not think. My mind is racing and I wish it would stop.... so many wishes these days. I pray a lot now too. Maybe Sunday I will go to church... yes I think that I will. I will ask if Mal wants to go and if John is here then he can come too and if he doesnt then he can just stay home a little longer because I think that I need to go. So theres another decision. Hopefully as the week goes on more decisions will be made.

2 messages | gimmie a ring

:: 2003 12 October :: 8.23 pm
:: Mood: not good

I wrote something
You always held me in your arms,
Promising to hold me tight.
I never wanted you to let me go,
this was to your delight.
But now your arms are empty.
I am no longer near.
You say that you miss me.
You say our love is dear.

As I sit here all alone,
with visions of the past,
I wish for so many things.
I wish our love would last.
You've hurt me so much,
done more damage than you know.
I want things to be the same,
even though it can't be so.

Your eyes are empty now,
but I can see the pain.
I know that you see us,
our love going down the drain.

Then I have two endings... I dont know which one I will use... either A or B

Alternate ending A

I want to fight for our love,
I hope you want to too.
I want to fight for our love,
because I know it's true.

Alternate ending B

I hate to see things end,
It hurts so much inside.
I'm going to miss you,
part of me has died.

gimmie a ring

:: 2003 12 October :: 7.46 pm
:: Mood: gloomy

It was the happiest word for sad
I am still in the cloud of confusion. I still dont know what to do or what to think. I wish that I was a normal person who would just talk to someone. Heck I wish there was someone to talk to. I know Mal will read this and say hey talk to me anytime but I dont know what it is but I just cant talk to her about it because I know that she is having a million and one problems of her own. Thats how I work, if someone is having a problem they dont need mine too. Who cares if they say it is ok or not. So Mal has a problem and so does Erik... now I'm fresh out of talk to people.
So here I am to think of things myself and I dont know what to do. On top of it all people are expecting that I behave like good ole chipper mica. I kind of think that people see my break with John as a chance to go out and have fun because I dont have to be talking to John or anything. but what they arent thinking of is that I am really not in the mood. It takes all I have not to just lay in bed and cry all day.
I cant think about the whole situation to much or I just cry and then what am I supposed to tell everyone in the room here... sorry I dont want to talk to any of you. How far does that take you and how long can you resist them all saying that you need to talk. And I really dont want to talk to any of them. I want to talk to an outsider. Who doesnt know how John and I are together and who doesnt know John that well. And ideally itd be a guy. I just want a male perspective without there being any judgment or previous knowledge.
I dont know what else to write, there is so much more to be said but I dont feel like saying it. I wonder if it is healthy, prolly not. I prolly should talk to someone and prolly should at least write it all out to myself... but I cant. I just cant. I'm a wreck and Iknow it. And the minute I open up thats when others will see that I am a wreck too. And I dont want to show them that. I dont want people to know.

4 messages | gimmie a ring

:: 2003 12 October :: 3.56 am
:: Mood: dejected

Bad Day
So today was hell. Honestly I have never cried so hard in my life. I've never been so confused, or so upset. I still am really confused and dont know what to do. A lie is a lie right? But is there some sort of measure that can be taken because I care about him. And there is something to be said that he did let me find out. Its not like he went way out of his way to keep things from me. He did but he didnt. So right now I have my mind set on 'taking a few steps back.' And I dont know what all that would mean but basically in my head I see a lot of "wooing." He knows how much he has hurt me and he knows how much trouble he is in and he knows what thin ice he is on. So I guess it just means that my leash gets longer and his gets a bit shorter. I look at our pictures and I cry and I think of all of the good times that we've had and how many more of them I want to come. I hold piggy and I wish more than anything I had piggy to hold me. I look at the phone and wish he was here to call me. I dont know what I want, but I do know what I dont want. And I dont want to lose John. He owes me for this he owes me for this soooo much! Full honesty here... last strike. Maybe I'll think more this week about what the conditions of our reuniting are. I dont know what I want for me or what I want from him. I just dont know. I wish I could talk things out with him to give me more material to think about this week. I wish that I had more to go on than our yelling, crying, fighty, fight. I just wish I had him here to talk with.... For now my mind will race and I will try to sleep and find peace in the day that has truely been hell.

gimmie a ring

:: 2003 7 October :: 7.49 pm
:: Mood: banausic

Spectrum
OK first things first... what should I be for halloween. (this is where it'd be cool if random people just commented)

Now onto the real journal...
In Chemisty and Biology we seem to be halfway dealing with spectrum. Not what it is or anything just vague references. Photosynthesis, Bohr Models, all that good stuff. Well The Spectrum seems to be applying to my life. Not necessarily the colors stuff but the word. Just read Mals journal and she is so happy, even around the house, I didnt have to read her journal to know she was happy. And I, I seem to be at the other end of the spectrum (or spectra... I dunno). Not that I am all suicidally sad or anything but I think the mood fits perfectly. I'm just not happy. I think it may be because John is sick and then I dont get to talk to him and then I dont have him to sit on the phone and make me laugh into all hours of the night. You know? Yes there are good things happening all around me and yes I should have nothing to complain about. But overall I just have a bad feeling. I dont feel happy, which usually means that there are more bad times to come. And typically they are my fault. So I am going to make a concious effort to not make things worse than they already are... Maybe its because I havent danced. I always feel better after I dance. Especially tonight. Tuesday nights. The dance is full of leaps and layouts and things that you just have to go for, no holding back, no being scared, you just do it. And I love that. I love it when you have to do something, full out. It just makes you feel good and makes you feel accomplished. So maybe tonight will bring some happiness. I dont know what caused this bad feeling but whatever it is it needs to stop. Ok thats all. Oh yeah. I love you John! I hope you feel better soon.

2 messages | gimmie a ring