First of all I just have to add this in but Thank you SOOOO MUCH Jess for calling me. I didn't expect you to and you made me feel so much better and I seriously was crying while I was listening to you talk. I truly believe your right and I'm not going to listen to what anyone else says. I'm not giving up just yet and since I'm not you can't either...so you know what that means lol..but I love you and thank you, you have no idea how much better I feel. I was crying all day and now i'm crying because I'm happy and that never happens! Were now closer beause of that. <3 ya. Oh and btw remind me next time we talk that you have to listen to this song because it reminds me of your whole deal, or ours. w/e works.



I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t.

Today seriously was the worst day I've had this year, by far.

So I guess this is it, over, done, w/e you prefer to call it. I cried today. Just like I knew I would. I couldn't help it. I was just thinking that I probably wont even see any of these people again and it made me start bawling. I never even said goodbye to anyone. I was bawling and I didn't want everyone to see me crying so I just left. I didn't even look back. I regret that. I only wanted to say goodbye to like 5 people and that would have been good enough but I didn't even see them all anyways. I hate crying, I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of being left behind, or forgotten.

And then today in 2nd hour Mr. A pulls me out of class and I had to go to the office and he wanted to talk to me. So I was thinking why does he want to talk to me because I didn't do anything wrong and then he was like "well someone told me you know things about the mercury incident" and I was like "umm ookk" so anyways I really didn't even know who told him so I just told him everything I knew and I never even wanted to be part of this, I was never going to say anything, I never cared but someone had to tell him so I had to write this gay thing up about it and if it goes to court I have to testify and then he's like "in a few days the cops might want to ask you questions" and I was like "okay w/e I guess..." so then I go to class and then later on in the day my mom calls my cell phone and she tells me that a cop wants to talk to me. I was like yeah this is really great. I don't even care about this. So then after school I had to leave and go right home and I was still bawling and I get there and the cop is there already and he asked me why I was crying and I was like "it's nothing, really" I felt so dumb crying in front of this guy I didn't even know so I pulled myself together and pretended not to cry, even though inside I was. It was just weird and this whole thing is a waste of my time and I like Ryan so I feel like I'm going aganist him when I never even wanted to but somebody told Mr. A.

So that was that and then----- in drama we are doing our final exams and our group was going to go a while ago but since we had 2 days off we couldn't so then H tells us we were going to go today and nobody was ready and Adrianne and Em were gone yesterday so they both got really upset that we had to go today and they were crying and screaming at H for making us go and I felt so stupid because I thought that they were making it a bigger deal then it needed to be and everyone in our class was just watching us like we are idiots but I really thought we could go today so I told them and we all had a meeting and decided that we could go and we did but we went over time so we didnt get out of drama for a while after the bell rang but it was my lunch and by the time I got changed my lunch was over so I didn't get to go out or buy anything good so I just bought chips and in 4th hour I asked Mrs. Ryan if I could eat them and she said yes so then I started too and she seen me and 10 minutes later she changed her mind or something and was like "why are you eating. Thats what lunch is for. Put those away" and im like "well I didn't get to eat lunch because I was in drama and you told me I could eat them" and shes like "NO I didn't" and Katelyn was like "yeah you did" and she made me go in the hall because she said I was making excuses and I had an attitude. I seriously think shes crazy. Then I got to come back in and I was talking to Matt, Bruce, And Katelyn and I was talking to Matt mostly and he sits directly behind me and she got really mad at me and said I was turned around too much so now my new seat is right next to her up front. She pisses me off. I never even do anything wrong and she always flips out on me. She needs to calm down every once n a while.

So today I sat in the hall, talked to a cop, argued, talked to Mr. A, and cried, a lot. Sounds like a great time.

I haven't laughed much today but Katelyn made me laugh. I'm talking to her and this is what she said.

RoxySurfBabe1892: its so gay..i hate this and tom. I will prolly too.
Nancek07: who's tom?

She didn't get the fact that tom. is short for tomorrow but w/e I guess it made me laugh.

and today I was cleaning out my garage at my dads house and we have a new neighbor and he is so hott and he is young and he has a hummer. So anyways he was outside in his driveway washing/cleaning his hummer and I was outside too and my dad walked outside and was like "what are you looking at?" and im like "the guy next door, hes so hot. you should go tell him I want him" and my dad was like "okay" and he starts walking over to the guys house since its really close to mine and im like "dad, I was joking, seriously please come back" and he kept walking and he walked into the guys garage and they started talking and I got so embarassed and then the guy waved at me. I felt like the biggest moron ever. My dad came back and was like "I told him, his name is Keith". I can't believe he would tell him but he is so cute. I love him, not really I just think he's hot. So now he knows, and now I feel dumb but he a lot older than me and I just think hes cute and thats all there is to it. Nothing else.


It's just not quite the same
Without you
I don't wanna go out
I just wanted to say

That I'm sick of these fights
I'll let you be right
If it stops you from running away
So just give me this chance
To make the wrongs right .

I miss you soo much and I can't stand it, I'm still hanging on. I feel like your gone and every day is the worst day ever.


hopefully tom. will be better. hopefully I will know soon. I'm sick of waiting.

Thanks Jordan for saying our group was the best skit, ever! The whole ever thing made it. I was so proud of us. We did the most unique skit ever, nobody ever has thought of this and H was amazed. Everyone was standing and H was so proud. He was like "THANK YOU"

anyways, I think that is enough complaining for the night. <3 Ash

5 Chances | Words Of Hope?