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fadingintoblue
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2004 6 May :: 7.37pm
:: Mood: slightly apprehensive, but pretty good besides
:: Music: vienna teng
AP US History
I don't want to take the test tomorrow. I don't have much of a choice though. And I only really started studying today, although I did look through things before. I'm trying to remember stuff from September 2002, and I'm having some trouble, so I spent last night and all morning (between classes and such) studying the very beginning of everything. Jenna was laughing at me for having my book open to Chapter 2 ("Liz, you might want to study the American Revolution instead. "But at least *I'll* know that Balboa was the first explorer here!" and then Brie reminded me later that it was actually Columbus. Oops, I knew that, I swear. Though that probably explains why Jenna was laughing so hard). And it wasn't very nice of Larrissa H (not the same one I normally refer to) to tell me I was screwed for the AP just because I forgot the details of populism. I just needed to remember that it was related to the Grange, and I was good.
I really really don't want to take this test. It's going to be three hours and five minutes long! Three essays! Tons of hard multiple choice! Eeek! The only good thing is that Prom is Friday, so all the prom-goers get to leave after 6th period (and sixth period they have a prom meeting). Being that virtually all juniors and seniors are going, and being that I'm a junior...well...my English class is going to have three people. And since I have the test up to 5th period, I have nothing besides the AP to worry about.
Wow, I'm rambling, but I really really really do not want to take this test even though I'm sure it will be fine and not nearly as bad as I'm afraid it will be.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 4 May :: 11.05pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: suzanne buirgy
you know you spend too much time on the internet when...
Some random people in your English class start going "bother bother bother" in high pitched voices with English accents, and you actually understand why they're laughing. Hehe, it was actually pretty funny, even if I really don't like those people. It was also fun to hear Ms. Fox say that 8th period thinks my picture of a baby soldier (to go along with the Slaughterhouse-Five theme of my bulletin board) is disturbing, because that's actually what I was going for (and I'm not even being sarcastic to say I'm pleased). If it wasn't for stupid research papers, I might even really like English class.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 3 May :: 7.38pm
:: Mood: hating mondays with a passion
:: Music: vienna teng
i'm drowning
Or, at least it feels that way. I come to lunch today, before I can say much of anything, Preeti attacks me, I say something not nice back ("Shut the fuck up Preeti" yes I was mad). Stina wasn't in school today. She imed me last night to say her grandpa died. I felt and feel horrible. I go to school and feel worse. Idiot people. I'm not going to lunch tomorrow. I'm going to work on my English project instead. Stina's coming back tomorrow, and I feel bad that I'm leaving her, but I didn't know that when I made the plan and I really need to finish this project. I hope she's ok.
In funnier news, the fire alarm went off approximately five seconds after the final bell. Everyone rushed out of the school pell-mell (well, some people were pushed out by angry teachers) to stand outside in the rain or to sit wondering in a school bus. It's really funny, because there was no fire, D accidentally activated the fire alarm with her elbow. (I know this because D is on my bus.) She did tell the right people, and we don't think she'll get in trouble, and she was laughing (albeit in an embarrassed way), so it was cool. I got home twenty minutes late, but oh well. Brie did make me feel kinda better before she got off the bus by telling me that Preeti has no heart and it's not my fault. (Almost makes me feel smart for being so horribly paranoid...that must be a bad thing).
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fadingintoblue
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2004 2 May :: 7.49pm
:: Mood: i don't know
:: Music: tori amos
I don't know what's better: to tell people when I'm having problems with things (like last week, when I was falling apart), or to just keep it to myself. Because neither seems to work. I think the answer is to stop having problems with things...so not going to happen.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 2 May :: 5.09pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: computer hum
gah
On Friday I go to lunch, only Stina is there. Brie, Preeti, and Barrett all went out together. The only reason I know this is because Brie mentioned it to Stina during gym. She didn't ask her or anything, she just told her. Stina was pissed. These people will tell her that they're going out to lunch and that she's driving without even asking, but they exclude her without a thought. And they excluded me too, which is kinda mean. I found out later it was because Preeti wanted to spend time with just Barrett and Brie. I am a bit ticked off to be excluded. But I'm more pissed off that they excluded Stina. Stina is furious. EVERYONE has been taking advantage of her lately, so this is just a straw to break her back. She can't take SHS anymore. And neither can I. I'm mad at Preeti for being careless, at some certain stupid people, at all the idiots that made elementary and middle school hell for Stina and me, at all the people who blamed Columbine on music and video games instead of on themselves (EDIT: I mention this because Stina and I have been talking about it lately, and how that people are just lucky that a lot of the kids that have anger towards everyone else aren't violent enough to kill their classmates), at all the people who tell Stina she can't do it, at all the people who treat me and her like we're freaks, at everyone who eever thought they could take advantage of of Stina. She doesn't want to eat lunch with these people anymore, and it could sound like overreacting, and maybe it is. But I really wish people would just start treating her (and me) like actual people, instead of people to joke with and then toss away later.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 29 April :: 8.20pm
:: Music: tori amos
nice question
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
Thanks so much for asking, Chris, and I haven't a clue. Obviously something. But it's not exactly polite for you to bring it up. I'd like to pretend that people don't think I'm a nutcase, it makes me feel better.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 28 April :: 9.08pm
:: Mood: pretty happy and hyper on camp songs
:: Music: Tracy Chapman
Camp
I miss camp. I miss camp terribly. I spent the whole day talking about camp: lunch today, and then the girl scout meeting.
I really really miss camp. And someday I'll be too old to go or work there....
Like when I'm ninety, I hope.
In other news, Lar is going to the prom with a sophmore guy. I try to tell myself that I don't care what she does...kinda hard. I feel terrible for the guy, and I'm trying to restrain myself from looking him up in my 8th grade yearbook (I only know his possible last name, but I do know he went to my middleschool). I do not care I do not care I do not care...she gets to date before me? No fair!!!!!!! I know she got her first kiss before me...but still...no fair!!!!
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fadingintoblue
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2004 27 April :: 9.27pm
:: Mood: ok mostly I think
:: Music: tracy chapman
random things
1) I'm not going back to Europe with GS. I really really want to, but we can't afford for me to go on the music trip *and* to send me to college that year *and* to send me to Europe. And since I already went on a similar trip, I should be happy I got to go once. I'm upset, but I'll get over it...I think.
2) School sucks. I want out.
3) I haven't been feeling myself lately.
4) The back of my hand is full of pink lines because I was scratching at it with a pencil all day in hopes of keeping my sanity.
5) I think I'm hallucinating me actually having sanity.
6) Stina wasn't in school today. It was sad. I'm kinda worried.
7) I think B is going to go crazy if school doesn't end.
8) I got an A on the last component of the research paper, and the component before that, and on my little paper for the English project.
9) I'm not doing very well on my psych project to stop biting my nails. They're shorter than when I started.
10) Why is socializing normally so difficult for me? I don't even realize how anti-social I am sometimes untill I realize that I never talk to friends on the phone and that I get maybe one email a month from a friend and I only talk to five or so people online. And it's really sad that being imed by a random stranger last night resulted in the most interesting conversation I've had in a while.
11) No one cares.
1 rebuttal |
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fadingintoblue
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2004 21 April :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: computer hum
I hate right now. This moment? I hate it. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate feeling stupid. I hate losing control and making an idiot of myself. I hate wanting to hurt myself. I hate actually hurting myself (in any way, shape, or form). I hate being short and busty and alone. I hate that there are probably two people on earth who actually understand me, my sister not included because that's different. I hate that I have exactly one class with one of those people, and that's lunch. I hate being so socially awkward that talking to people I'm not totally comfortable with is a trial and talking to people I know well can still make me anxious. I hate having a year+ to go before graduation. I hate how people think it's ok to brush me off. I hate not being taken seriously. I hate always being so angry. I hate always being so stressed out. I hate unrealistic expectations and I hate people who think the best way for me to get used to something is just to start doing it full-on (also known as implosion, only sucessful with some people, can have negative effects on others, ie me). And I hate always feeling like I have to make a joke because if I'm serious maybe people won't take me seriously anway.
I think I ought to go to sleep.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 20 April :: 10.02pm
:: Mood: gah...way too curious
:: Music: Green Day
hmmm
This is a test. Because I'm in insanely curious and stupid, I reset my journal, though I'm not really sure what that means. Now whenever I try to look at my journal, I just get an error message. Here's hoping I'll see *this* entry at least... (and that I haven't accidentally deleted the whole thing).
EDIT: Ok, I didn't delete my journal. That's good. And in the future maybe I won't play with all the pretty options.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 19 April :: 5.14pm
:: Mood: fairly good
:: Music: Midtown
English Project
I'm starting to get excited. I was worried before over what on earth I was going to do, but I talked to Ms. F (student teacher), and I know what I'm doing now. However, I somehow ended up with half a bulletin board. I could have had the whole bulletin board, but that was a bit initimidating. And being that this bulletin board is about three feet tall and probably about eight feet (if not bigger), I'm still a bit intimidated. That's a huge amount of space for just me to fill up. What I'm going to do is take things that I liked from the book (themes, motifs, highlights, cool parts, whatever you want to call it) and I'm going to go to town. I'm going to write poetry on whatver I can, take random pictures that relate to the book, interview people, and tack up random items (like Three Musketeer's candy bar wrappers). I might draw stuff, who knows, I'm not exactly an artist. I thought about taking my little tape recorder and making a poor girl's video (ok, now close your eyes and pretend you see swirling light as you hear the random sound effects I recorded), but the bulletin board should be more than enough for me. I'm actually kinda nervous, because my project is going to be up for everyone to see for probably the next month if not longer because Mr. Peachy (yes I know I'm misspelling his name) is a bit lazy about changing the board. And I'm a bit nervous about the poetry thing, but if I really need to I can go dig up some old stuff that relates to the themes (come on, I have tons of anti-war poems, tons of poems about darkness, tons of poems about death. Of course, the death ones are a few years old and probably better hidden, because they are just BAD. But still, I have some stuff I could use). And Ms. F likes poetry herself and offered to help me (an offer I'll probably pass up, but still). So tonight I just have to write a quick paper on what I'm going to do and I'll hand it in tomorrow. I think I'm the only person working alone at this point (though someone else looks like they're being kicked out of their group) but I still think I can do a good job. And this is actually a CREATIVE project, which I think gives me a bit of an edge over the math and science inclined people in my class. Not to mention it should be fun.
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fadingintoblue
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2004 12 April :: 5.19pm
:: Mood: tired (or I should be at least)
:: Music: Five O'Clock Shadow
About my day
I fell asleep last night after one, and I woke up feeling like I'd never slept at all, but I wasn't tired. I didn't finish my notecards until the very beginning of English class, which is why I got so little sleep. After I got to English, my teacher informed us that we had the class period to peer edit the notecards, and that we could hand them in tomorrow. Even though mine weren't completly perfect, they were pretty good, so I was one of the three people from all of the Honors English people to hand them in. And one of the few people to actually finish at all.
Physics was nice, because I got my grade back for my last test: 105. Mrs. B told me I got the only perfect score out of all of her classes, which is cool. And then I corrected something on her answer key, further impressing her with my brilliance (ha). I would have been more impressed with myself if I weren't in a college prep physics class populated with more than it's fair share of idiots who waste all their time texting each other on their cellphones, but it was still nice.
In math I got my third marking period grade: B. I know I'm at the top of that class (again, not exactly an achievement), but if I had gotten an A- or higher on my last test, I would have an A- on my report card.
US History was fun. I wrote my essay (due today) for that class in 37 minutes flat. Woot, go me. And it was pretty good too, I think, so it was nice to hand it in. And we just started talking about the godless commies of the 1950's, which is always a cool topic because my grandparents were godless commies. Or, as they prefered to call themselves, radicals. Not that much different, the FBI still bothered them. (My grandparents are/were so cool. Especially when they brought my mom to peace marches and stuff.)
We're singing some new songs in choir, including a spiritual that actually turned out to be pretty awesome. Barrett had to explain to me exactly who Daniel was at lunch, but it's still a cool song.
And in English, it turns out I am actually behind much of the rest of the class in the book we were given but not yet assigned to read. I was merely on page 88 at the start of class; half of everyone else is done all ready. I'm on 120 now, I think, and I'll finish tonight because it's good. Our student teacher says that if we all read ahead and finish the book quickly, we can make a movie (either in small groups or in the entire class, we're not sure yet). A movie! Of Slaughterhouse Five! She told us to start writing scripts. I'm envisioning a lot of swirling light, this could be awesome. Especially because all we usually do for a book is write an essay, fill out worksheets, take a few quizes, and listen to our teacher drone on and on about whatever he feels like "relating" to the book that day. I'm really looking forward to it, especially since I have two weeks till the next research paper component is due.
1 rebuttal |
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fadingintoblue
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2004 10 April :: 5.40pm
:: Mood: bleh
:: Music: Vienna Teng
I hate homework
This research report should die. Painfully. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And it probably wasn't very smart of me to go shopping with my sister this afternoon (I got a nice pair of earrings for $5, and a really cool purse for $10), instead of working on the notecards. And I was maybe the slightest bit rude to my father when he asked me to go check the mileage on all of the cars. But he never really needs me to do things like that, he just feels some sort of need to boss me around. And being that I was only out in the living room to make sure we weren't eating dinner anytime soon so I would have enough time to research online, I really did not need him to give me a makework task. Gah. I will be very happy once it is June and I no longer have this crap to do.
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