What Am I Doing Here Again?

2 comments | a penny saved is a penny earned

:: 2004 26 July :: 7.33pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: father of mine- everclear

okay, so steve still works at swimming....
....but hes now forbidden to come to fire island for any other reason but work. two nights ago he stupidly got smashed like ive never seen anyone get smashed before, forgetting the fact that he was taking the ferry back to bayshore where he was to be picked up by his mother. i swear to god he was the most messed up ive ever seen anyone before, he could barely walk, he couldnt keep his eyes open, and when he had to pee, he would just whip it out right then and there and go on the community house. a brilliant moment for those of us who were there. i walked him to the ferry at 10:50, along the way stumbling on top of multiple parked bikes while trying to walk the straight line of the sidewalk. he got on the ferry, went to the other side, and sure enough his mom figured out that he was drunk. he now owes me $5 because he bet me that he wouldnt get caught...he refuses to pay because he "doesnt remember" the bet (if i were that messed up that night god knows i wouldnt either). his punishment: no more fire island for the rest of the summer except for work and then thats it (keep in mind, steves a commuter, he comes on the ferry every morning from babylon).

so heres where i come in. after lauren finally broke it to him that shed rather be with cash and i finally figured out that i actually do like him, its pointless because he cant come out anymore. to tell him or not to tell him, thats what im contemplating. this wouldnt even be a question had i not promised him i would tell him when i sorted my feelings out as well as the fact that a small part of me wants him to know. if i tell him and he likes me, hell feel crappy that he cant do anything about it because hes not here. but if i dont tell him and his mom lets up and lets him come out sometimes and he doesnt know how i feel, then its hopeless. help me, i need to know what to do.

in other news, taylor and alec are supposed to come out and visit me soon. that should be interesting, i believe thursday is the date. i heard from steph the other day---god i miss that girl. as her camp friends tell her everyday, shes so lucky to have a single best friend like me who she can actually rely on for everything. im so greatful for having her, i miss her and want her to come home so i can see her again. i really wish she could meet mike and steve, and my other friends out here. hm. also, ive found a really awesome friend in someone i recently became close with this year, his name is nick and hes come to be like a brother to me. i love that kid to pieces, i really, really do. he helps me with my problems, i help him with his, we can be ourselves around eachother, and i love "rockin out" with him on the beach. its friendships with people like him that make me miss fire island so much when im at home, and make me frustrated with edgemont all the time. the majority of my friends out here are boys- that could NEVER happen at home. i love it, its good to have variety. f.i. girls and guys i love u all to death, ur the reason i live 10 months for only 2.

thats all for now, if u have some advice on the steve thing, please dont hesitate to comment, i need all the advice i can get.

:: 2004 24 July :: 3.29pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: what i got- sublime

okay, so his name is steve....
....he works at swimming, which my group has every day. he liked my friend lauren, lauren likes this other kid cash, its a big mess, but i wont get into that for the sake of the reader's confusion and for the privacy of the above people. its funny though, hes the opposite of what i go for, a blonde haired blue eyed boy, but ugh hes so cute. he lives in babylon and he, like mike, is 16. its also funny that our friendship started because he was hung up on lauren, and i happened to be a mutual friend who was willing to listen and help out, and thats when i started to contemplate the idea of liking him. just hearing him talk about lauren and his concerns about being attached and stuff, ugh it reminded me of myself so much. so now i think im developing a crush. i always think its so weird how at home, i can go 10 months without liking one single person, but as soon as i get out here, there are so many options, and i always seem to try and take advantage of one. ive already gotten my kiss...now i want someone to share many kisses with, and it seems like steve may want that same thing. he found out from someone that i may like him and he asked me about it. i told him that i was trying to figure it out, but that i would tell him when i did. oh god, this could be interesting.

boys make life so complicated.

:: 2004 22 July :: 3.42pm
:: Mood: good

Raining in Scarsdale?
Beginning of Yankee Game:

Michael Kay: Well we're getting this weather report that its raining in Westchester, but really only in Scarsdale. That's very interesting.
Ken Singleton: Well...It's a good thing we don't play Yankee games in Scarsdale. It'd probably be pretty expensive to build a stadium there anyway.

haha. good god. yeah so it seems like its only raining here (or it was)..kind of strange.

Anyway, yesterday I went to work with my dad. It was great fun even though I had to work. I love going to his office and having everyone suck up to me because they know I can be their boss one day. It's kind of scary though. I'm not used to so many people being so nice to me. I got $100 and a Coach wallet, ha. I went to Coney Island too for "lunch break" and I went on the Cyclone, it was so fun. But really scary because it's so old and i thought i was going to die.

I talked to Kate and Stacey...I can't believe it's been a month since everyone left. It makes me sick to think how FAST this is going by. And I had a conversation with my mom last week and she was like asking me out of all my friends..."who's the most---"who's the least likely to do---" It was a fun conversation and it helped me clarify many things. And it's not like I think "God why are they like that?" I embrace their flaws because I know I have plenty of my own. It makes you unique. And I think finding what you don't do too well in yourself and other people helps you work to a better friendship and teaches you how to react to things and what to avoid and how to say things. It also helps you realize what you love so much about them. It's certainly worked for me. The conversation also made me sad because I miss so many people.

I'm off to Saratoga either tomorrow or the next day...Excited to start the second half of my summer.

Okay well I gotsta go...great Yankee game on.

Big Kiss~GG

4 comments | a penny saved is a penny earned

:: 2004 20 July :: 3.40pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: she will be loved- maroon 5

an update way overdue, that last one needs some background i think....
okay, so as i last stated, i got my kiss. i need to explain whats been going on but my computer has been broken so ive been lacking greatly in the woohu department, ill do it now. so, i had known that my friend zack's friend mike was coming out for july and the plan was to set us up. so i get to the ferry terminal the night i was coming out, and i see this kid who is saying hello to my friend morgans parents whos really cute. and im sitting there thinking, hm, shaggy brown hair, tan skin, brown eyes, tall, about 16 years old....could that possibly be him? so i call zack up and sure enough it is, so when i get to fi i start hanging out with him and all my friends, and i start to like him. all my friends knew i did and he did too, but he told them that he didnt wanna hook up with me until the end of the summer because he didnt want a relationship, which i could relate to, but just a hook up buddy, thats what i wanted. he works at camp with me and all my friends, but he doesnt have a group, he works at the ocean with zack and morgan and for some reason one day the idea of me having not hooked up before comes up and mike says: "im going to have to change that", so i get excited. that night (7/9/04) we're in town, and the whole group of friends is sitting in the gazebo talking and what not, and over the course of time they all filter out leaving me and mike there alone. we talked for like 2 hours about just random stuff and then it was like 10:55, time for both of us to go home. we walked up my street until we got half way which is where he would normally break off and go to his street, but he said no, i wanna walk you home. so we're walking and walking and walking and we finally get to my house at which point we both go to say goodbye:
mike: theres something ive been meaning to do... [puts arms around my waist]
danielles phone: (california by phantom planet, zack calling, way to ruin a moment, i shut off the ring)
mike: where were we?
and then it happened, he leaned in and kissed me and thats the story of my first hook up. it was sweet, until he squeezed my butt, but thats okay lol. then he kissed me on the lips goodnite and went home. i was honestly on a natural high for 4-5 days. every time he would see me he would kiss me on the lips hello, and everytime one of us would leave, he would kiss me on the lips goodbye. it would make me so happy, i finally felt like a big girl, and i really liked him. but then he started getting distant, and i got really confused, eventually he told my friend zack that i was "too sweet" and he didnt want to get involved. i was so upset about that, i was stuck in one of those "feeling incomplete because i have no one to love" moods. i pick bad people, i pick ones that dont like me, and then when i find that out, i find myself trying so fucking hard to make them like me. i shouldnt have to try, i shouldnt have to work at getting someone to like me, they should like me for who i am. it took 3 long talks with zack to figure that out, and even though i know he doesnt read this: thank you zack for everything, you've been the best friend i can ask for, so understanding and always willing to help and listen, if im sad, you're sad too, and i love you for that. thanks for being there for me, you're the best. "you're not doing anything wrong, just no one else is doing anything right." -zg
two nights ago my friend jenna came out, and once again we were all sitting in the gazebo and somehow the idea of being a lesbian came up, which progressed into: danielle and jenna should hook up. i didnt do it, for myself, but mostly for my friend victoria, whos had an awful past, something i wouldnt wish on anyone in this world, and seeing me and jenna almost hook up made her cry. she was absolutely hysterical, and i couldnt do it, i couldnt have on my concience that i was the one to bring back memories that made her bawl like that, so i didnt do it. she wouldve stopped talking to me, and i couldnt stand seeing her cry. mike was disappointed that nothing happened, and i later found out that he told zack: "no more danielle, shes too prude for me."

as much as i know i shouldnt like him
.because he doesnt like me
.because he labels me a prude when he doesnt give me a chance
.because i try so fucking hard to make him like me
i still do
.because he was my kiss
.because i cant have him
.because its a challenge
.because im still searching for that right person who i cant seem to find
.because i have this need to be loved
what ive come to realize out of this though, is the amazing friends i have out here. those that support me and tell me everydayy that they love me for who i am, because they comfort me, and make me smile thanks to all of you for being there.
thanks:
zack- for being my shoulder to cry on, i can tell you anything and no matter how stupid it sounds, you still understand, we're in everything together, know that im here for u, and thank for for being here for me
nick- for snuggling with me and making me feel loved, and also for making me laugh, ur so sexy lol
morgan- for admitting that you actually do love me, and for apologizing to contributing to my problem, also for letting me play with your hair
justin- for telling me you love me everyday, and showing me with ur giant hugs
victoria- for being my sister, you relate to me like no other and look out for me like no one else, thanks for being there ilu

so thats the scoop, now you know, hope everyones summer is going well, may all ur summers be filled with fun, sun, happiness and most importantly, love, because theres no feeling like being loved.
xoxo- danmorgan

:: 2004 17 July :: 11.22am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Tamyra Gray~Legend

What's on my mind/happening these daYS

1) So I'm back in Saratoga--We're moved into our house...it's by no means all furnished but it is so precious. I love it...and I can't wait for visitors..it's gonna be a really fun house.

2) I come home Monday and then...I come back like Saturday for good and for work. I'm excited. I love the track and the track people. It's just too much fun up here. The townies are a little bizarre--its that whole upstate state of mind but whatev. Everyone has a summer place--I think mine's a little different than most people's though.

3) And also, now you can't say I didn't try. Maybe we should just stop. And frankly, that's fine with me. It's no longer my fault. I blew my chance and tried to make ammends for it, but now you blew yours.

4) I just found out some unfortunate news about myself. And I really have to keep my composure in times like this....I know it will be okay in the end if I just don't go insane and can do it.

I hope everyone's summers brighten up a bit.

Love you all~

3 comments | a penny saved is a penny earned

:: 2004 15 July :: 4.26pm
:: Mood: happy

:) :) :) :)
I GOT MY KISS.

2 words:
fuck yea.

:: 2004 11 July :: 10.02pm
:: Mood: nervous

It amazes me how hypocritcal some people can be..it's really everything that defines Edgemont and it's major flaw. People pretend that order and society doesn't matter and that individuality is key to success and blah they're all "rebellious" and then meanwhile deep down they DO insanely care about all of those things and have no shame in showing it. It's just a bad message too, like you can just get whatever you want if you whine. And unfortunately people here feed into that and will give you whatever you want even if it's not right for you.

RENT was fantastic. JAI from queer eye was in it omg what a surprise! And we got autographs and pics at the end :) WOW it was great seeing scary...she wasn't a great Mimi vocally but it was awesome seeing her. I missed Manley though :( I honestly pity anyone who hasn't had the privelege of seeing that show. IMO, it's brilliant. And the people who say they don't like it are just talking out of their asses and pretending to be such non conformists.

haha, i'm quite nice today aren't i?

WELL that's all.

:: 2004 9 July :: 10.13pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: yanks game

there's no place like home...(couldn't resist)
It's GREAT to be back.

For once, it really is. I'm sick of being around my bratty cousin, the three-month- behind radio stations, the boredom and the marlin fans. (had to go to a game ugh...it was fun but the fans are pathetic and there's these whore cheerleaders...it's an atrocity to the sport it really is) It was a really fun trip though lol. I got so much driving practice (on the street..uber scary)!

One good thing that came out of my cousin's mouth on the trip:
"Anyone who says High School is the best part of your life, is living really freakin small."

RENT tomorrow! Words can't even say how excited I am (I'm sure you can tell and are sick of my away messages lol) But seriously...I cannot freaking wait!!

I'm also excited to be able to just take it easy, hang out with the edgemont crew and whatnot. There's one thing in the near future I am highly not looking forward to...but I know it'll be fine once it's over with. Not everything can be perfect.

El Report Card came. There were a few things I was baffled about. 1) Spanish fourth quarter grade was much better than I thought 2) Espanol final was much...worse 3) 90 on the regents..holy shit!!! The hardest final was the one i did the best on! (I got the same grade on all my other finals, ehh w/e) I KNOW I could have studied a lot more...But I'm just NOT an overacheiver, I never will be...thats not who I am. And I'm fine with that and happy about it. I'm proud of myself.

just saw dodgeball haha...too funny.

I feel really bad for Mary-Kate Olsen...sorry that was extremely random but for some reason it really makes me really sad :(

I'm so excited for summer...I get the feeling this is gonna be a great one.

goodbye love<33(ahhh rent omg lol)

:: 2004 5 July :: 3.41pm
:: Mood: exhausted

wow its been a while for me....
hm, i could swear that i havent been here this long already, but ive been at the beach for almost a week. i must admit, ive had my doubts about july with my two best friends who i hang out with every night not being hre, but its been working out pretty well so far---and better yet, i may have found what i needed all along. 16 years old, tall, dark, killer smile, his names mike, and hes really cool. we'll see, not gettin my hopes up for this one, god knows that i just hurt myself when i go and do that. lets see, anything else on the boy front.....ah yes. joshs friend henry who i hung out with that night called me the other day and was like, i think we should hang out sometime. definetly will do, hes a cutie and seems very gentlemanish lol. other than that, im livin the fire island life, not too much goin on. work during the day, town at night, day after day after day. i could get used to this. today was the first day of camp, disappointing as well as relieving. disappointing in that i didnt get into the group that i wanted to be in in terms of head counselors, i wanted dan and lindsey, both awesome college kids, and since they like me, i wouldnt b bossed around :), but i got into the other 7's group which is okay since 7A and 7B pretty much travel togetehr in everything, so i get to spend my time. the kids are "totally chilled out" as dan would say, which is absolutely a blessing, i dont know what i would do if i had to deal with another group of crying, pants wetting boys for 2 years in a row. first day was good, hope the rest of the summer is too. love to all, im hittin the shore for now.
xoxox- danielle

:: 2004 4 July :: 11.04pm
:: Mood: quixotic

HaPpY bIrThdAy AmEriCa!!!
Just finished a nice lil fourth of July. Fireworks across the water were nice but our home fireworks were siiiiick...so much fun! And my american flag cake was gorg.

It's been a good trip. My cousin who everyone worships (nicknamed "The Messiah") just got back from Asia so I'm happy about that. We've done a lot of things I used to love to do here but lately stopped doing so I'm very happy about that too. I saw The Terminal, it was muy bueno. Did some awesome shopping as well and got my first juicy item (GASP! I'm prob the only one in emont)!! A cute white peasent skirt :)

I've also had some driving lessons from my aunt!! She's taken me to the church parking lot in her lexus and I was so scared I was gonna total it but I'm doing pretty good actually. She says i dont give her whip lash like her kids gave her.

and some SICK yankee v. red sox games this past week--they were just swept by the mets, yikes, but its all good. I may be dragged into a MARLINS game this week--Gads!!

hmmm...not really much else worth talking about. I'm excited to get home in a few days and hang out with the e-mont crew.

I hope everyone's having fun.

CiAo

:: 2004 29 June :: 2.25pm
:: Mood: pensive
:: Music: RENT

All my life I've longed to discover something as true as this is...
I haven't been woohu-ing for a few days due to my excessive time spent on the computer which lead to a "whole-summer restriction" but now I'm in Miami, on vacation so I'm allowed. But I don't think that the punishment will last very long.

My Mom & I have been having plenty of problems lately...She told me that it's not the same and won't be for a while and never imagined us fighting the way we do. That made me very sad but I know it will go back to normal in a few years...we have a very tight relationship...But she's reading this book about mother/daughter relationships and I read a few pages and one part really stuck with me. It was all about seeing another half of someone's story--like many times with your mom you say/think often (or at least I do) "She sees me as a...." Or "She doesn't see why/how..." And the truth of the matter is that we don't truly want to be seperated completely from our mothers, that's a myth...all we really want is "connection, respect, and recognition."

I've been thinking about my grandpa lately. Well, not actually thinking...like he comes into my mind and I quickly scatter to find something else to think about. I'm not ready to go back just yet.

Anyway...it's been a fun few days in New York. Saying goodbye to people was very tough and I think it'll be hard this summer...but besides that...Sunday the city with Mer & Elise, American Girl Cafe is too cool...and the Gay Pride Parade, Carson from Queer Eye totally waved at us! Too funny. (And we just got the tix for RENT for the three of us. Ahhh Scary Spice here we come!) And then that night the Subway Series--a little shoutout for my dad's bday in the Stadium's marquee thing was very fun. And these few days are the Red Sox! Niceee. But I don't think all get all 3 on TV down here, grrr.
*
And now I'm back here...it's like 1000 degrees, but I'm happy to be here...I hope it's a fun trip. It's certainly very hot...the weather in New York was perfect when we left.

I hope everyone's summers are off to a great start.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN!<33

ciao

2 comments | a penny saved is a penny earned

:: 2004 28 June :: 12.15am
:: Mood: tired

fresh
new look for the summer
jeez, i hate this beginning summer thing, people i love are leaving, and as much as i want a break from them, i will miss them so much. seems like a lot of things make me sad lately. god, i hope im not having one of those "sad" things like a had at the beginning of the year, i really hope summer brings love and happiness, because for me, im thinking love is whats going to bring me the happiness. update when i get to the beach on wednesday, for all who are going/leaving whatever, write me:

danielle litoff
p.o. box 621
ocean beach ny 11770

briggs17

:: 2004 26 June :: 11.21pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: breaking the habit

i dont know why i instigate and say what I dont mean....
hey ya'll dorina just left my house and no1s really home yet, so i felt like sayin hello.

hello.

hope all is well, sadly enough ppl are dropping like flies and woohu will come to an abrupt hault for the summer for most of us..which is cool..some peoples next entries will be talkin about how excited they are for the school year to start or how sad.....wow......weird to think about..
I PAINT IT ON THE WALLS..CUZ IM THE ONE THAT FALLSS....I'LL NEVER FIGHT AGAIN....AND THIS IS HOW IT ENDS...

sry, random outbursts are my specialty!
ive got a really long and crammed week ahead of me! im so excited!!! hopefull y i'll b able to go to bball on tuesday, fit in an hr of work out..altho im soo out of shape yo!

aite..i started this entry at like 11 and procrastinated duin other stuff and now i dun wana write n e more

ttyl

God Bless,
<3Briggs<---