Shoe23
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2003 3 December :: 4.55pm
:: Mood: *sigh*
:: Music: Papa Roach - Last Resort
hmph...
Nothing was said throughout the entire breakfast period... It was fun...
There were some rather funnny moments today... some in art... some during lunch.. some during p.e.
In art Melissa was cutting out phrases from some magazine... and we laughed over one forever that said... "Hi, My name is ______, I like chicken" lol..it was really funny..
In P.E. I bitched sara out.. comepletely ... everyone laughed about it but me.. i was just being honest.. I dont know.. she said she hated me though.. right in my face.. lol..it made me feel all warm inside...
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2003 2 December :: 6.30pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: Cold - Go Away
never wanted to see right through you...
I sometimes wish people knew 'me' but then other times.... I dont. What am I saying.. I dont want anyone to know me.. I want no one to know anything.. I refuse to have everyone always bugging me about everything....I hate talking and being amongst people...
I got in a massive argument with Josh today... it was pretty vulgar. He thought he was smart by calling me dumb...I was just like...ok..whatever. He annoys the fucking hell out of me... I was |This| close to punching him as hard as I could... but I restrained myself.
Dustin punched me in the face today while trying to give me a hug... It accually kinda hurt even though he didnt mean to...
Agh...fuck the world and everything in it... Who gives a fucking shit...
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2003 1 December :: 7.39pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: Linkin Park - Hit the Floor
You think you won..and then its all gone
Sara HATES me!!! An Accomplishment I am VERY proud off... Yes!!!*marks off on list*
I took a picture just for you tonight Ellen... I like it though.. as soon as we get them back Ill let you have one...
Im pretty happy right now but still anti-social... explaining to Robert what 323 was... or is... or whatever... ya know.. all of that fun as hell stuff....
I need to find something productive to do... but I dont think there is anything that involves me and that word together... so...
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2003 1 December :: 3.30pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: Trapt - Still Frame
agh....DUMB
My mother is so dumb... I mean... fucking dumb... really really really dumb... massive amounts of dumb... all in her little brain...
previously talking about e-mails and the dumb shit she sends me.. like snowman poop is what makes ice cream...wtf??
Mom: Do guys *making weird shape around crotch area* things bother you?
Me: I think Im good without them...
Mom: What? What does that mean..?
Me: I DONT WANT TO SEE IT!
Mom: Ohh... Giggles... Ok.. *stupid look while walking away...*
Were off to take family pictures... lmao... just fucking awesome... or wait... no it isnt... "just in case somebody dies" ha... agh... here we gooooo....
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2003 30 November :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: drunk on MD
:: Music: Incubus - Echo
he...amusement...
Ah... I love being a smart-ass... it is awesome... expecially when you are sarcastic around [dumb] people... they just dont understand.. clueless...
My dad stabbed me with a fucking fork earlier... I hate when he touches me... it makes me feel very..very.. violated??? I think that would work... I yelled at him for touching my shoulder today..
*shudder*
I am never marrying a man with hair... except for normal.. you know... ugh...
I cant wait for tomorrow... I get to go take fucking family picture "just in case someone dies" ha...fuck you...
my grandpa made me listen to a song called "Hot Corn, Cold Corn" today... lmao... I didnt stop laughing throughout the five times he played it... Dumb Fuck...
I cant believe Ozzy had a song on 'O Brother Where Art Thou' ha ha....that is fucking hilarious...
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2003 30 November :: 4.38pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Three Days Grace - I Hate Everything About You
Agh....I would reccomend divorce... but then you would fucking complain about that too... You yell about senseless shit all of the fucking time... and you wonder why I am always on the computer.... hmm??? Wouldnt guess... God Damn
...I hate everything about you, why do I LOVE you....
I want you to know that, I miss you, I miss you so...
I am ready to go back to school... less shit to put up with... much easier to block stupid people that you can get away from... rather than your fucking stupid parents... they are hard to escape from if they wont let you leave ... and complain about all you do....
me and my complaining... it does no good really...*sigh*
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2003 29 November :: 9.05pm
:: Mood: Normal....I think
:: Music: Linkin Park - Nobody's Listening
what else is left to say?
Just another day... with an assumed normal ending...
Worked...Drove at dangerously high speeds... Wrote a poem... Went to Wal-Mart... Saw Drama Queen... Listened to music... Yelled at random family members... painted finger nails... three times... talked to Bryan on the phone... and currently the best thing to happen all day....Talking to Ellen...
...and in this moment I am happy.. I wish you were here...
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2003 28 November :: 6.22pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Staind - Could It Be
I wrote a letter today... No one shall ever read.. except possibly Ellen... I dont care if she does.
Anyways.... today.. was horrible, imagine that eh? Yeah. It fucking sucked. If I were to give you details it would take forever. Because I would have to involve every minute of the entire fucking day.
I accually got to think alot today. I needed time to think... really bad. Relived a few memories.. I am not too proud of.
I have to work tomorrow... Early.... It sucks.
Well... I better not get started or this would be a neverending journal... I guess if you wanna know whats goin on with me you can ask me...sound good? Alright well......Im leaving it at that.
Happy Birthday Bryan I miss you... and of course Love you... Have a good rest of the day....
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2003 27 November :: 8.10pm
:: Mood: Barely.... here
:: Music: Staind - A Flat
am I only a void?
I feel merely as if I am nothing, but yet I find enough of a feeling to hate myself. I tell my eyes to lie, but it is impossible to make them anymore. More empty I feel everyday, only because I make myself that way. I am afraid of every fucking thing. The only person who can truly help me the most, I wont let close. The only person I trust, Has her own life, and better things to worry about....I still live for you both. You keep me alive enough to continue.
I'm so pissed off right now and I really don't know why. Sometimes I really wonder why I'm here. I've fucked up so many times. So many nights I wish I didnt remember, That now echo in my head endlessly. I made a list of everything I have done wrong...or fucked up... or that has caused me to be how I currently am... and the only thing that did was consolidate everything into one list for me to stare at. To merely remind me of everything. I don't really know what I'm even supposed to be thinking anymore. Just take a good look at my wrist and you can see my regrets... basically leading me to somewhere I thought I never would end at.
...Found a box of sharp objects, what a beautiful thing...
I think I may have hit rock bottom, and all that's left is to crawl underneath the stone and hide before I lose all I still have.
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2003 27 November :: 3.50pm
:: Mood: touched
:: Music: Trapt - Stories
TRUSTcompany - Slipping Away
I won't let you down
The words you said to me
It's echoing the sound
Of what would never be
I'm standing here alone
The memories remain
The same familiar home
But nothing looks the same
And I'm standing here alone
Can't tell if I'm awake
Reality is gone
In a dream I can't escape
You said
Hold on
But I feel like
I'm slipping away
I'm getting through it now
I guess it's plain to see
That everything I am
Is not everything you need
Bryan... thank you for the flowers... I didnt throw them away. They cost more, than me, myself, are worth. But thank you very much. I have been thinking alot about you and I.. I will tell you what I have been thinking about when you are on...
*sigh*..... Sorry I dont have much to say.. if you were in my head you would be overwelmed with my thoughts, but I am not capable of putting them down for the world to see.
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2003 26 November :: 5.20pm
:: Mood: guilty
:: Music: Seether - Driven Under
do you know im faking?
Today was one of those days where... absolutely nothing goes right... at all.
I was fairly emotionless all day... I did enjoy that... It is really amusing to not have a reaction to things. Good or bad... neither were expressed today.
I am still undecided about Bryan and I. I dont know why... I love him, why not be with him right??? I know... I should jump for the second chance... but something is holding me back. Im not completely aware of what however.
I got the urge to smoke earlier... I dont know why, and no I didnt, it was just something that hit me....why cant important answers come to my head instead of shit like that???
I hope you are having fun Ellen.... You need to have some fun... Yes.... you *points finger*
....you take away, i feel the same, all the promises you made to me are made in vain, i lost myself inside your tainted smile again, cuz you can feel my anger you can feel my pain, you can feel my torment driving me insane, i cant fight these feelings they will bring you pain, you can take away, make me whole again.....
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2003 25 November :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Marilyn Manson - Speed of Pain
When you want it
It goes away too fast
When you hate it
It always seems to last
But just remember when you think you're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me
I left during half-time....everyone left me. Except Amber... the only person who cares... well...maybe not, I hope not.
I hate you more than life itself.
I even hate you more than I hate myself.
I hate, therefor I am.
I am, therefor I hate.
Another nail in my coffin.
Another thorn in my side.
Another gun to my temple.
(Goodbye...goodbye)
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2003 25 November :: 4.05pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: Puddle of Mudd - Away from me
Im sorry....
Bryan...ahh... I dont mean to make everything hard and confusing... it just happens like that when it passes through me... Im sorry.... for everything. *sigh*
*wipes tear*
today sucked I havent made up my mind why it sucked so severely...but it did... I dont remember driving home... thinking about the day... it just makes me CrAzY
ahh....fuck... people fucking suck....
I did have one good moment....actually two...
1. I yelled at Sara
2. between Lindsay and I...
group talking about sex...and whores...Lindsay sais something about losing her virginity to...something...dont recall
Me: I know someone who lost their virginity to a shampoo bottle....
Lindsay: Was it a girl??
Everyone sits there for a moment thinking about how dumb she just was...Melissa started laughing....
Melissa and I:No it was a guy...
*Melissa goes into detail....*
Lindsay:I guess it would have to be a girl huh?
hmm.....NO SHIT
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2003 24 November :: 6.35pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: Trapt - New Beggining
and then i come to find... everythings ok....seen this all before...but that was yesterday...try to walk right through these messes that ive made...just let me enjoy...the life that i have made...
Are you going the wrong direction? God allows u-turns.....lmao....what in the fuck??? I know you are all wondering what that is there for....Sara said that to me today... ha...amusing isnt it? It made me laugh... in her face...
Today fucking sucked... I said two words last hour... No and No... It was awesome... I hate talking... grr... it pisses me off...
These songs are seeming rather positive today.... better than I used to believe they were...
Angie is now on my list of people who believe my life is perfect... ha.. excellent... another person that really doesnt know shit and doesnt give a fuck to find out... not that I would tell her anything about me that she didnt need to fucking know anyway.....
I love Marilyn Manson....
"You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself
Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls
........Im tired of this now........
I want to go play with my blades and take a few pills.... make it all better for a few moments.... while the blood is flowing freely I will be feeling awesome....but when it stops I have it all to do over again.... and again... and again.... until I realize what I am doing...
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