jedibumblebee
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2005 4 March :: 7.34am
If anyone has any information on who was setting off bombs in front of my apartment the night before last, I would appreciate if you'd let me know.
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TaoMan1121
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2005 4 March :: 3.40am
:: Mood: parched
:: Music: Pink Floyd - The Wall
Seriously, it's not what you think...
My mind keeps reverting back to the titles of a pair of Badly Drawn Boy songs: "I Was Wrong/You Were Right."
::breathes deep::
Alright, let's not mince words here. After Stef, I began a non-stop quest for two things. First of all, closure, which I received a few months ago. Second of all, I was searching for vindication or rebirth, I'm not really sure which and the line really blurs between the two. I finally found what I was looking for. I needed some proof, some reassurance that all the growth and all the realizations I've made along the way were real and valid and substanial and lasting. I finally got that, and it came in perhaps the least expected way.
As Dylan sung, "Things have changed." I take the last entry back, if only because it's not congruent with my newfound realizations. Nonetheless, and I speak this in no uncertain terms...
Do not get in my way. There's no holding me back now. But what you're not holding me back from is so much bigger than I originally thought. But then again, if you truly knew what the hell I was talking about, you wouldn't want to hold me back from it anyway.
Confused yet?
Good, I like it that way.
::edit 3:58am:: Usually I don't like speaking in glittering generalities, but I don't see any way around it here. Even though everything has changed, nothing hasn't changed. Get it? Come on, that's gotta make sense to at least one person, right?
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TaoMan1121
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2005 28 February :: 3.21pm
:: Mood: introspective
:: Music: Kanye West - Family Business
Carnal Knowledge
"The apple cannot be stuck back on the Tree of Knowledge; once we begin to see, we are doomed and challenged to seek the strength to see more, not less." - Arthur Miller
I've been thinking about this a lot lately: is it better to always take the moral high road and get walked all over, or is it a smarter man who is able to realize when to throw those trappings aside to get ahead? I still maintain that Clive Owen's character was not any more morally superior to the rest of the cast of Closer, but the characteristic that sets both him and Natalie Portman apart in that movie is their ability and ambition to get what they want (and know what that is in the first place). Sometimes you just have to get out there and grab what you want, and let nothing stand in your way.
Something keeps pushing me forward: it's my refusal to turn around and head back.
I was checking out the first season of Millennium's special features and came across a featurette about the logo and opening title sequence. I found some more background on the symbology of the Ouroboros (my tattoo): it was used as an amulet against suffering, as well as a representation of the cosmos. It is often associated with the phrase "One is the All" and is often termed as the circle of "eternal becoming." Interesting stuff.
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TaoMan1121
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2005 28 February :: 3.18am
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: Jack White - Never Far Away
i can't help wondering how you might feel about me today...
Well, now that was an enjoyable experience. Left me more confused than anything (that's a lie, I feel like I finally understand for the first time) but I enjoy the uncertainity. Not knowing. It's the masochist in me.
Scores for the evening. I won, batting .500 with 12 out of 24. But then again, I lost 2-1. All around good performance though, if I may say so myself.
God, this takes me back.
I leave in four days. Freakin' wow.
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TaoMan1121
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2005 27 February :: 11.58pm
:: Mood: drunk
I can't wait to get on the road with you guys. This is going to be a great, "Sideways" good time. So much history, so many common interests, so many hours in a car together.
ROAD TRIP!
SPRING BREAK!
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TaoMan1121
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2005 26 February :: 8.12pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Badly Drawn Boy - Silent Sigh
2005 Oscar Picks
Picture – Aviator
Actor – Jamie Foxx
Actress – Hilary Swank
Sup. Actor – Morgan Freeman
Sup. Actress – Natalie Portman
Director – Martin Scorsese
Original Screenplay – Eternal Sunshine
Adapted Screenplay – Sideways
Foreign Language – Sea Inside
Animated Feature – Incredibles
Art Direction – Aviator
Cinematography – Passion of the Christ
Costume Design – Aviator
Editing – Aviator
Makeup – Passion of the Christ
Original Score – Finding Neverland
Original Song – Polar Express
Sound Editing – Spiderman 2
Sound Mixing – Aviator
Visual Effects – Spiderman 2
Animated Short Film – Gopher Broke
Live Action Short Film – 7:35 in the Morning
Documentary Feature – Super Size Me
Documentary Short – Autism is a World
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TaoMan1121
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2005 25 February :: 1.47am
:: Mood: rapacious
:: Music: Oasis - Some Might Say
Rawr
It'll happen. I have to believe it'll happen. I can wait. I can wait as long as it takes, as long as I know it'll happen someday. I've waited this long, I can wait longer. Really, if you think about it, I'm like halfway there right now.
When all you have to take away amounts to very little, the little you have becomes immensely and immediately valuable. The little things become more importmant than the all the other big things in your life. I remember it all, the touch, the smell, the taste, all down to the most (in)significant detail.
And I'm ravenous for another taste of paradise.
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TaoMan1121
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2005 22 February :: 6.41pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: watching Pink Floyd's The Wall
Good News for People Who Love Bad News
So I heard back today from three of the seven grad schools I applied to: "no" from University of Florida and West Virginia; "yes" from Queens College. I'm escatic because the first two I had little to no interest in going to, while the latter has moved into the number one position on my list. And I can't say I'm really suprised on my two rejections; it's not so much as my credentials, instead having to do with me not being a very good fit for those schools. I'm excited though; I'm aware that Queens College will probably end up being the worst logistically and financially, but it does define the term "dream school." And who knows, it might just work out.
For some reason, I still can't get used to this free time thing. I should be able to just relax and enjoy it, but it's just not natural for me. You get into these specfic ways of reacting to things in and it's so hard to break the habit. And that's one ability that has seemed to diminish for me over the past year and a half: habituation. I look for familiar things to fulfill me, but the problem is that many of the familiar things in my life no longer satisfy me, and haven't for a while, which would go a long way to explain my on-again, off-again unhappiness and discontentment.
The other big news in my life is my growing re-attachment to the TV show Millennium. I've got the first two seasons on DVD and will pick up the third when it's released in June. For those of you that don't know, it's a charming drama about serial killers and the apocolypse. It's so dark and so visceral and it's tapping some respect of where (I feel) I am right now (kinding like The Wall is at this very moment). Both are dark (ok, freakin' morbid), but cathatric is a fucked up sort of way that I'm responding to right now... I just keep thinking that I need to purge something in my life, something inside of me, before we can really move on.
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jedibumblebee
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2005 18 February :: 7.55pm
omfg.
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taoman1121
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2005 15 February :: 1.50am
:: Mood: reserved
:: Music: Beck - Paper Tiger
I'm really starting to get pissed at Dell. They need to get my replacement optical drive to me NOW.
I find myself becoming a little more confrontational, more predetorial as of late. Doing a better job of finding or deciding what I want to do or say and following up on that. The difference this time around is that I'm trying to balance that with the maturity and wisdom that has come with age. If I can't change the game as I once ambitiously thought I could, the only sensible course of action is to adopt its rules and learn how to play the game as is. Case in point: if I cannot subdue my emotions, if I cannot become the portrait of poise and tranquility that I once had aspirations toward, I might as well learn how to use my emotions to my advantage. Granted, I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet, but no bother...
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jedibumblebee
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2005 14 February :: 8.43am
paul said something really cute the other day...
he said "i love that you're a little bit punk".
everytime i say it in my head it makes me laugh a little harder. he's such a preppie, how did i ever end up with him? :)
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taoman1121
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2005 10 February :: 4.00pm
:: Mood: bored
Sitting in Limbo with My Life of Threes
I need an optimist in my life. See, I used to be the resident optimist in these parts, but as time moved on, I've shifted to a role of simply trying to keep my head above water. Let alone trying to be a beacon of light and hope to everybody else. Now I look around for that hope from others, and I either find a similiar sense of pessimism or general apathy. Thoughts keep getting stuck; it's as if there's a bottleneck jam where my thoughts should disperse into a larger philosophical ocean, but seeing as there isn't another wave (of thoughts) to push them along, they just keep getting replayed like a broken record. There are moments of radiance in this sea of monotony: a forgotten song in the department store; a pristine, untouched memory; a relaxing night out. But the rest is this prevading sense of uselessness; a life of sitting on my hands once again waiting for my life to start. It's me in transition with nothing fulfilling to occupy my time with; nothing to challenge or distract me.
I thought the world didn't care about me anymore, couldn't be bothered with my trials and tribulations. I realized this wasn't the case at all, because what is there to be said for me and my situation? Much more interesting and engaging things are happening to people elsewhere.
My life now consists of attempting to exile the lingering effects of three past relationships while yearning the demise of three (eh, maybe four) other relationships of people around me. You see, life isn't the same as it was 2, 3, 4 years ago, and until my surroundings, my stimuli start to match that fact, I'm going to feel as bogged down by the past as I have for the past god's knows how long. That's why I left this site, this venue of outlet a few months ago. I agree with the argument that letting go of who you were is the only way to become who you will be, but when all the people, the places, the events and actions point straight back to what you yourself turned your back on, you have to ask yourself, what's the point in running away when it's all around you?
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jedibumblebee
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2005 8 February :: 8.26am
haha....i quit the bank. thought i would join the ranks of unemployed....but I was offered another job about 45 minutes before i quit. haha.
so now i work for remax of kalamazoo, bitches.
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jedibumblebee
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2005 5 February :: 3.52pm
ok i lied. i hate the bank so so so much and i need a new job. any suggestions?
i think i'm quitting monday regardless of other opportunities.
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jedibumblebee
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2005 4 February :: 9.59pm
**~Long Survey~** (w/ good grammar and decent, unique questions) | Created by donttalktome and taken 6623 times on bzoink! | | The Basics and Some Personals | | Name: | Stefanie | | Age: | 20 | | Shoe Size: | 8 1/2 | | Height: | 5'4 | | Weight: | 120 (being in love has made me a porker) | | Pants Size: | an old navy 4 | | Shirt Size: | S/M | | Innie or Outie? | innie | | Love Questions | | Are you in Love? | yes sir | | Are you single or taken? | taken | | If single, for how long? | | | If taken, for how long? | one year and one month | | If taken, by whom? | paul douglas burton | | Do you like guys or girls? | a little bit of this and that....or men in women's clothing.... | | What do you think about Sporty guys? | eh | | Smart? | a positive | | Dorky? | my favorite | | Popular? | popularity kindof dies by this time in life | | Your Favorites | | Kind of Food: | probably italian, but paul has me hooked on mexican | | Color: | green and purple | | Song: | modest mouse- styrofoam boots | | Band: | modest mouse | | Singer: | today i say garth brooks | | CD: | that is an impossible question | | Kind of Music: | mellow rock...folk rock...and country....there i said it...country. | | Animal: | kitties | | Place to be? | home in bed | | Vacation spot: | Oregon | | Actor: | steve buschemi ;) | | Actress: | catherine zeta-jones | | Comedian: | i am becoming a dave chappelle fan | | Soap Opera: | desperate housewives | | Day Time Talk Show: | ..... | | Game Show: | distraction has been funny lately | | All Around Favorite Show: | south park i think | | Drink: | coke or sex on the beach. | | Restaurant: | qdoba | | Number: | 26 | | Letter: | B? | | Word: | periphescence | | Your Short Opinion on.. | | George W. Bush: | i cant give a short opinion on this man. i hate his guts and everything he stands for and it honestly depresses me so much when i think he wont be out of office until i'm 24. | | Gay Marriage: | why does anyone else care if gay people get married? it makes more sense to let them get married than to support domestic benefits, and marraige as an institution is a joke. | | Rocketing Gas Prices: | it happens. i remember them being higher, i'm just going to get a hybrid car. | | Minimum Wage ($6.75): | where the hell do you live that it's 6.75? jesus. although min wage doesnt affect me very much, it might be good if they raised it A LITTLE. like, 5.50 or so. | | Drunk Driving: | oh jeez, i just love it. every weekend, ya know? | | Legal Driving Age: | umm...again, not really a hot button issue for me. | | Anorexia: | fabulous! | | Mary-Kate and Anorexia: | i think it would be fun to have a "food monitor". | | Lindsay Lohan (18) and her 23-year-old boyfriend: | called it quits, DUH! she's hot. | | Young Marriages: | whats your def of young? i dont care. | | Young Parents: | not preferred i guess. | | Pregnency without a Marriage: | again, not preferred but what happens, happens. | | Telemarketers: | i dont get them anymore. i might quit my job just because i hate being one. | | Pop Quizzes: | every quiz is pop for me because i keep forgetting when they are. so bleh. | | This Survey: | its ok. havent done one in a while. | | Label Your Friends! | | Loudest: | izzy | | Quietest: | rossie | | Nicest: | nicki | | Person who doesn't think before they speak: | ? | | Outspoken: | eric! | | Annoying: | none. annoying people piss me off. | | Popular or has best chance of becoming popular: | once again, popularity really doesnt have a definition for me anymore. | | Best Dressed: | mike | | Worst Dressed: | ? | | Sweetest: | kristin | | Giving: | paul | | Selfish: | ? | | Ungrateful: | ? | | Social Butterfly: | izzy? | | Will be crowned Most Likely to Succeed by their class: | ? | | This or That | | Soda/Punch | soda | | Sour/Sweet | sweet | | Summer/Winter | summer | | Christmas/Thanksgiving | xmas | | Easy/Challenging | easy | | Light/Dark | dark | | Sun/Moon | sun | | TV/Movies | tv | | Out with Friends/Out with Family | friends | | Cat/Dog | kitties | | Penguin/Dolphin | penguin | | Book/Magazine | magazine | | Last Questions about the Survey | | Did you like the survey? | it was ok | | Would you reccomend it to a friend? | sure | | Where will you put your results? | woohu | | Thanks for coming... | ok. | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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