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2002 25 August :: 1.37am
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: norah jones- come away with me
crooked
i can't decide what i want to do right now. i'm almost finished with Cold Sassy Tree and ending it tonight would make me feel too accomplished. but then again, sleeping would be nice but that's not an option.
up again in the wee morning hours.. pondering for something to do. sounds too familiar. sounds like 24 hours ago, in fact. sigh.
i should write some thoughts down or something... but on here its so open and marking "private" on this page makes me feel like i haven't really done anything at all online. so here goes. thoughts...:
-i kind of wish i never got online last night. never would have had that repeat conversation (although it was probably inevitable). but i never would have been as upset. unable to think/sleep. hell, i could think plenty.. i just didn't know what to do with the thoughts that came.
-i always knew he never liked me. but that's what kills me-sometimes it seemed as though he did, and other times the things he said would trip me up and i couldn't tell a damn thing right. like bringing up how once i told him that when i "have" guys, i lose interest.. how he hasn't forgotten that. it just makes me wonder. is that just something to say to make me feel better- to make me think that maybe he likes me but won't give in because he doesn't want me to lose interest? give in to what??? god.
-every time i say i want more, we misunderstand each other. wanting more means so many different things to people- i've realized that recently.
-what more i want: me to open up. me to make moves... to feel completely comforatble with him.. honesty from him. benefits would be nice. i wish he knew what i meant about stuff- i wish we wouldn't misunderstand each other when i say i want more. i want more of him but not more status- not more formality.
-i cannot seem to tell the difference between being really close with someone- talking to them a lot, and hanging out with them and having a few benefits on the side and being "more than friends." other than the status pro quo, what is the difference?
-i'm sick of this
-i'm sure he is too.. sick of me that is.
-but i decided last night to drop any guards i have up. any at all. i guess thats partly why i'm just writing all this stuff down in here. i've decided not to care anymore. not to ever worry. live today as if i'm going to be run over by a truck tomorrow..
-yoowwww my arms hurt from swimming. i haven't swam that much butterfly in one day since training in 8th grade.
-i wonder if i could tell if i was crying in the pool. hmm.
like a school kid.. i'm already waiting for the spring and i haven't even had my first day of school yet. shit
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2002 24 August :: 3.22pm
:: Music: smashing pumpkins- tonight
fell asleep at 7am, woke up at 9am for swimming. swam for hours. now sitting here listening to music i haven't listened to in years. random thoughts running through my head- none of which make sense. all i know is this morning i woke up and my jaw was clenched so tight i almost couldn't move it the rest of the day. it still hurts...
yowww
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2002 24 August :: 11.38am
:: Mood: over whelmed (sp?)
:: Music: Sugarcult~Lost in You....everyone should own this cd...
Can someone just shoot me now? Please? Last night was just horrendous, and this morning hasn't been too hot so far either. So I went to De Smet's mixer. God, i just don't ever want to go to highschool. There's no way in hell i'm ever going to fit in. I went with Meg, Kate, and Anna and of course Kate, knows every person that populates St. Louis, and so do Meg and Anna. And then there's me, Tall girl's friend. God, I have a fucking name! Grr...so there's about 63547 insanely got guys...good thing i talked to any. It was just a not fun night. I walked around because the people i did talk to would just walk away and find someone else. So i wandered by myself most of the night. Grrr, fitting in just isn't going to happen. Hoorah! I'll be an outcast guys!
So after the mixer Meg's dad drops me off and my mom wants to hear all about it and all i could manage to say was it sucked. She just gave me one of those sympathetic motherly looks and i went upstairs. So i get online, thinking maybe someone will talk to me and it won't be so bad. Yea i was definitely striking out like none other last night. Sarah and i started talking and that was fine, then Lowell i'ms me and we're talking and it's fine and it was all ok for a little while. Sarah's still trying to figure out if he likes her, so we start playing the question game, and i asked him what song he can relate to the most. And he said thay song by Mario, that Just a Friend song. So Sarah got upset, and Lowell and her started duking it out. And Lowell's telling me how awful he feels because what he's saying sounds so harsh, and Sarah's crying, and i'm just in the middle...trying to give advice to both of them without tunring into the bad guy myself. I just wanted to jump out a window. So they both pretty much butchered eachother and Sarah got kinda bitter because nothing had changed and i guess i kinda got the aftermath of that one. But, somehow, through the course of the night we ended up breaking up or something. I said something to Lowell about us being together still and he told Sarah that i still thought we were together. And she was like you knew that would hold him back, we're not together Allie. So i just stared at the computer for a little while, really confused. Evidentally, we haven't been for a while...hmm good thing i knew! I'm not solid, and can't commit because we had an open deal and i'll never know how much she liked me and i just wanted to scream. I just sat here trying not to. So she said it would be like it used to, but then again i thought it was something completely different. So, I guess that's pretty much over. It's cool I guess, i can't give her what she needs or wants so she'll be happier.
So if i break down everything that happened last night it would go something like this.
-I went to a craptastic mixer, and had someone splatter Hawaiian Punch all over my new pants.
-I didn't dance with anyone.
-Pretty much threw away $7.
-Come home, get on...and all hell broke loose.
- Got in the middle of an argument between the guy my friend likes and my friend.
-Lost my girlfriend.
Ahhh, what fun. So this morning, i went to sleep around 5. The mother comes in around 10 and tells me that me her and dad are all gonna spend the day together. Already, i want to cry. She starts walking around my room and proceeds to yell and throw a fit about how messy it was, and how unclassy it was. She got mad at my friends because my room was completely trashed and questioned what kind of friends they are. Found lime green paint on my wall, and a whole pile of wet towels on the hard wood floor. So, on the bright side, i got out of bonding with the rents...but on the other hand i'm stuck her making this bitch spotless. And i have to read a fucking book, that i'm supposedly re-reading because i didn't get it. Again, will someone please just shoot me?
I'm supposed to go to Lil's tonight, i hope that's still going on. I just need to get away. Kevin might be there too, that would be nice...heh, good thing he likes me and all. I can go if everything gets done...wiuyhfkjhg. So i guess i should go do that, i'm really hungry though. I might eat first.
2 freedom fighters |
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2002 24 August :: 11.47am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: natalie merchant- ophelia
rain
fight
with me
shove me
hard
let your emotions glare at me
from large eyes
and an elongated ego
let them run
run through me
let them fly.
changes of me
to me
don't come easy
but i have changed
because...
because i can
because i am
wanting
because of you
i've done so little
and changed so much
everythings changed-
my love for you...
went from denial
to passion
to friendship
when will this CYCLE
of up
and down
ever end?
i'm not asking for anything
a little warmth
from time to time
would help
a little ice
to knock me down
would suffice
i've never really mastered
the mask of dis-interest...
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2002 23 August :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: awake
...i keep remembering random things from last night, and talking to lowell reminded me of one.. we went up to Taylor's room to get his change of clothes or something.. and it was the first time i had ever seen his room....... and his bed. what a marvelous bed. holy shit. i can't get over how cool that bed was....ahhh...
back to reading.
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2002 23 August :: 5.39pm
:: Music: norah jones
instead of kneeling in the sand
..back in ftwayne..
kinda sad to not wake up beside 3 other girls (although elyse spent the night last night after we went to taylor's)...it's weird to be alone though, it really is. i feel like i did after i came home from outward bound... like where are all the people? i miss them already...
school shopping today. meeting my new swimming coach/trainer. ehh, work is really gonna start next week.. makes me so sad.. i saw some school people yesterday at the tennis/soccer games that were rained out.. steph and donni and caitlin and jess and lisa and them.. lauren and lowell and taylor.. it was nice to see lowell and taylor and lauren and steph- but other than that... ever since i had that last panic attack i'm almost in fear of having another. like yesterday i was. then my hands started shaking when we came back to my house- but that's probably just because of the djarums... and taylor's was pretty.. cool, actually. pretty comfortable. we "bonded" as elyse later said. ..
ehh.. i have so much to read... i haven't all day either. its just not happening.
singing the same lines all over again.. story of my life
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leftofcool
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2002 21 August :: 4.36pm
first day back from hell. hell hell hell.
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2002 20 August :: 6.21pm
:: Music: the bathwater
...i guess allie's journal says most of what happened last night.. i just remember elyse being so nice and beautiful to me... and taking lots of pictures which i can't wait to develop. i kept thinknig about lowell, i remember that too- and talking about him.
the good thing about it was that (besides the 10 minutes when i couldn't breathe because of crying) it was an awesome night. i love my friends
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2002 20 August :: 12.24pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Elyse is watching Chicken Run...
Sleep. Wouldn't that be nice? Sarah's still asleep, Lil's makin me and Elyse waffles, and Elyse is watching Chicken Run. Last night was just insane. Sarah got the alchohal from her brother and we just drank it all last night. I was actually fine, but Elyse and Sarah were just gone. Lil was kinda there, but Sarah was pretty bad. She started crying for some reason that we still can't figure out and she just cried for like 10 minutes. So we went downstairs because my room was 80 thousand degrees and Ray couldn't breathe. So we sat downstairs for a while and ended up sleeping on the curvy couches. What a disaster. The dog wouldn't stop barking, and trying to fit two people one of those things just doesn't work. So Elyse, Lil and I finally got up because it just wasn't worth it.
But before any of that we went up to Two Nice Guys because my class decided to have a last minute get together before anyone started school. It was so awkward. Everyone has changed so much. And i really don't think anyone wanted me there. Heh, i think it's kinda funny. I don't know, Milla, Matt and Zach left early, and Ben was just being an ass. So me Lil, Ray, and Elyse split and went up to Planet Smoothie and walked around old Webster for a while. I saw Meg and Kate though. That was cool because i hadn't seen Meg in like a year and a half...i don't really care about Kate. We never really did get along that well...so after our Smoothies we walked back to my house and my Dad told me how pleased he was with me that we made curfew and that we could do whatever we wanted. Unfortunatly, we took him seriously and that's when the festivities began. We were talking to Ben and Brian most of the time on the phone and they just thought it was wonderful. None of us were fully clothed because it was like hell in my room. Ahh what an interesting night.
So i haven't written in a while. I'll back up to Thursday. Thursday night Brian calls me up and says he has a flat tire. I'm not sure why he told me, but he did. So they end up coming over at around 11 because he has stuff for Sarah. We didn't know Brian had friends with him though, or we didn't know who. So Sarah and i walk down to the street to meet them. She jumps on his back and neither oe of us had realized that there were like 3 other guys with him. So i turn to my right to see who was standing next to me and it's this insanely gorgeous guy. I guess i was just in a really odd mood because i was like so, what do they call you? And he introduced himself and was all nice and polite and i was just kinda like dskjlfgsjf. So Sarah goes over with all of them to Eden and i walked back to where Lil and Elyse were and we just sat there for a while. So 10-15 minutes goes by and i decide i'm going to go over there and see what was going on. So i walk over and they're all just sitting at this picnic table stoned out of their minds except for Seth and Kevin. Kevin had to drive, and Seth doesn't smoke. So i went and stood by Sarah and laughed at Brian and Ben. Sarah tried to tell me something but words just weren't workin for her. I figured out what she was trying to say, and we both just laughed and agreed. She just kept saying guy, nexto to me, isn't, guy? Which translated into isn't the guy next to me hot? Yea, good thing i can figure out what the hell that girl thinks. Heh. So he put his hand on her leg or something and she laughed and i was confused. SO i went back, and Sarah had invited Kevin and Seth back to my house after they dropped off Ben and Brian to swim. My Mom had already come out once that night because we went back outside and was convinced we were all smoking and hiding guys behind the pool house so i was kinda freaked out. But, they came. So we just sat behind my pool house and talked and i got really nervous and felt like a big bitch for making everyone be quiet. Sarah smoked her Djarms and Lil and i sat there with Elyse. So they had to leave and i walked them back to their car. Well no, we ran back to their car and i ran through mud, and he offered to carry me. And he smiled and waved and that was it. So we had said we wanted to do something with them that next day and they said they would call us, which surprisingly, they did. So that night we were going to go to Sarah's brothers house to pick up the alchohal but one of his friends had given us wrong directions and we ended up back in Kirkwood. So we just went to this park deal instead. Sarah and Kevin went for a walk and the rest of us sat there with Ben. Brian's mad at Kevin because of some story that i didn't understand. But i know the real reaosn is he still likes Sarah and doesn't want Kevin after her. Unfortunate. So Sarah and Kevin come back, and Elyse and i decide to run. I swear to God, i ran the fastest i had ever run in my life that night. So Kevin dropped Ben off and we went to Steak and Shake. I had left my phone in the car, and in that little time period three people had managed to call me. Kevin and I's moms included. So i started freaking out because i was supposed to be at Lil's and Clayton was the one that was supposed to be driving. So i call her at Steak and Shake, and i'm trying to make my voice sound normal and i told her this whole story about how we went to Ted Drews and i had left my phone in the car and that's why i didn't answer. Thank God she bought it. So i hung up with her and drank a shake and Kevin drove us home. Sarah won't believe me, but he likes her. Which is great for her, kind of unfortunate for me. Eh, i'm over it. So that night we stayed at Lil's and went to Blue Crush that next day. I had to leave and have dinner with the family...ahh wut and outing. They all went to a conert and to the Loop. So that next day i go over to Lil's around 2 and wake them up. That was going to be their last night, but then they were going to stay till Wednesday. So i call people to see wut they're doing. We ended up having people come over to Lil's to watch movies. Seth bought Orange County so we watched that. Sarah was confused by Kevin, turns out he thought she was a lesbian. Ehhh...that was interesting. We went to a park and walked around. Then they had to leave. He called us that night and we talked for a little while. Now, both Lil and Elyse like Ben, and i suppose both Sarah and I like Kevin. But then again when things like that happen Ray and i handle them a little differently...ehhh so that was on sunday. Monday night was last night and they're not leaving till Thursday now. I think Kevin and some other people are coming over today...heh. Lil just came out with the waffles...my stomach calls...
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leftofcool
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2002 20 August :: 8.17am
i just read on the new york times website that an african woman was sentenced to death by stoning for 'having sex out of wedlock'. five judges denied her appeal and maintained that the sentence will be carried out when the womans daughter has been weaned from breast feeding. nothing happens to the father. i hope i'm not the only one about to vomit.
1 freedom fighter |
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2002 19 August :: 1.00pm
:: Mood: excited
heavy things
...last night was really .... weird, but good. they came over and we all sat and talked for awhile and i took sammy out and played with him because i was in the strangest mood...
we walked to the loop and rented orange county and came back to lils house at like 9:30... we started it and i ended up sitting next to kevin and seth on the big brown leather couch... at first i really wanted to hold his hand or something, and he was sitting so close.. so that was a good sign. especially since he had like a foot of couch on the other side of him... i kind of put my hand on his leg, but he didn't respond... just like i did the other night.. grr.. he kept getting closer, so once i had a blanket over me and allie sat down next to me, i put my hand on his leg, and we half-assed held hands for a few minutes.. but the movie ended and we walk to some park, and that was the end of our adventures. hmmm. he's a confusing guy. allie was telling me that we are on such the "save wave link" when it comes to hooking up and whatnot, but who knows. he's coming over to allie's empty house today and he's bringing SLUH boys. hmm... this could get interesting..
we're gonna go take a bath
1 freedom fighter |
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2002 18 August :: 7.31pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: john mayer- comfortable
isle 5
kevin, seth and ben are coming over tonight. 3 boys- 4 girls, 1 bottle of wine, 10 smirnoff's and some weed. hmmmmm... that whole thing about dropping the kevin deal? allie told me i shouldn't... and i can't decide. but he's coming over in 30 minutes, so i guess i'll figure it out...too soon...
the concert was pretty fun last night... couldn't really get into core project but i really liked lojic and duke 45, and talking to the lead guy of just add water was pretty cool too... ahhh i'm just typing to take my mind off of other more important things.
i miss BEING with allie. this past week it doesn't feel like we're together at all... i don't know if she feels the same way, or if she wants it this way, but i guess having elyse here has given me less time for just allie. hmmm... i would give up all this crappy chasing guy stuff for her...
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2002 17 August :: 4.56pm
:: Music: john mayer- comfortable
could have passed you up.
...goin to the core project concert tonight with elyse, ben and brian. hooray! no kevin, it seems. seems brian doesn't appreciate kevin as much as the rest of us- so just us 4 for now. i dont know why everyone is making this such a big deal. kevin's a good kid, and so what if he was just "chatting me up" or however brian put it.. what if i was just chatting him up? ....
i'll just drop it for now. i'm only here for another day-i probably shouldn't call kevin or anything like that.. no, nothing fun and exciting like that, of course....
i need a shower. here i go.
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2002 17 August :: 2.01pm
we're staying a few more days... til monday to be exact. never got to see my brother last night- got lost and driver decided it was too far away to drive back to. got into a bad mood. walked around a park with Kevin... didn't really enjoy anything much last night until late. i wrote for an hour and a half while everyone was sleeping/talking...
hopefully i can see kevin tonight... lillian and allie both have family dinenrs so elyse and i are on our own. i wish i knew ben or kevin's number... shit i need a ride to my brothers.... god my mind cannot stop thinking about what i need to do. i just need to stop.. relax... something..
i had no journal last night in the living room, so i found some Claritin sticky papers and used 18 of them to write down some stuff.... reading through what i wrote last night...
last night was insane... on the way away from the park to Kevin's car, i called shotgun, and my friends started giggling behind me... witbrodt's party all over again.. allie said under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear, "i called it awhile ago".. which made me feel like shit because then i just felt like i was taking one of their guy's or something when we're all just kind of friends with him... we met him this week... what is the big deal? i don't know. two nights ago when i invited him back to swim, he hadn't even met allie or elyse or lil. why do they feel if i want to hang out with him and get to know him that i automatically am shafting them in some way? is this what friends do?
..ehh i missed lowell when i was with kevin. hot guy, dark park, playing the question game after smoking... and i'm walking around, missing lowell. grrrr. even though absolutely nothing happened, and he probably wasn't in to me at all anyway- god i could never even tell anyways. it could be right in front of my face and i would deny the hell out of it. ehh sigh.. who knows. but now i have a few more days to figure this out and i don't even know if i should- my friends obviously didn't like it last night too much, and i'm not gonna risk them getting pissed at me or anything. sigh. this is so fucking trivial.
random things that have happened:
-elyse smoked weed and a djarum. yay for newcomers.
-Raconelli's in webster is good eatin..
-saw Dylan Kwapy- had to stop by nathan's and he was there. never really wanted to see him after ms. got angry when i saw him- threw a paintball at his car, but not hard enough to splatter.
-found out kevin doesn't have a girlfriend...
-core project/duke 45 concert tonight- i wanna go....
...friends are calling for lunch. gotta run.
4 freedom fighters |
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2002 16 August :: 7.59am
:: Mood: anxious
See Which Member Of Weezer You Are Here!
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