Where does the sidewalk end?
Well of course I am alive and well...though some of you probably wish the opposite and if you do then 8p. My last entry I put the whole Ryan and me situation. Well guess what? More has happened! Let's see...I guess I will go back hmm...to Tuesday. Tuesday was any normal day but everything was going crappy. My mom was saying all of these things about Ryan and me (though they were true...but thats not the point) She was saying how I shouldn't be with him because he holds me back I'm always having to drag him around to do things with me and that I'm always mopey around him. She said that I should be with someone who I would have to slow down the relationship cause we would be having to much fun. Though she was right and that did sound nice...I'm still in love with Ryan and I always will. But her words we hitting me hard at the time and I started thinking about everything wrong in our relationship and I made a list of why I loved him, why I didn't, and the gray area (stuff that wasn't really important but still bugged me) I would share the list with you....but then I'd have to kill all who read it. I was so confused on what to do. I go to the mall later on with Stephanie and my mum, my mom had to go somewhere first then steph wandered off somewhere well turns out that Lorelei and Devin were at the mall too so I hung out with them for awhile. I asked Lorelei what I should do and she said it was my decision, then I asked her for the truth and not stuff that would just make me happy. She said that during this whole relationship I have always tried to make things work when there was a problem which was alot even though I don't notice it. I think of what everyone was saying and I decide on it. I was going to break up with him. I told my mom and she of course was ecstatic... I figured all of the friends that I hang out with that also hang out with him would probably hate me for breaking up with him but meh I could take it. I felt so strong yet confused and confident that I could do it. Well I knew that Ryan was at Ross's and I asked my mom if she would drive me over there so I could do the deed. Well as I'm leaving the mall thinking about what I was going to do I started getting lightheaded and really sick at the thought of it...it's not a fun feeling. We get in the car and everything is just flashing by me I wasn't even paying attention to anything. I text Ryan and he says he's at work and I was like argg. Cause I knew for some reason if I didn't do it then then I would never do it. I told my mom that then she was like so go to work and do it during his break or something. I just disagreed to that option I knew if someone did that to me I would be devastated...if I was really attached to that person of course. Everything was becoming to overwhelming for me so I go in the bathroom and cry for awhile then people came over to Jorge's so I come out and I get some ice cream and eat it to make me feel better. After awhile I was ok again but it was still lingering in my mind. Everyone was saying to dump him but I just didn't want to but then again I did. I texted Ryan saying that we HAD to hang out the next day I said I would meet him at the Don Carters bowling alley. Next day came around and my mom of course was being strange and evil. She was saying she didn't want me to be alone with him cause he might freak out and hurt me cause I was leaving him and I was like mom I know he won't do that but she said you never know. She's just paranoid. Stuff goes on and I get to Don Carters my mom makes him come outside and get me cause she said her prescense would show that there was an evil spirit there aside from his (her words exactly) I get out and he had the 4-runner with him wich has no A/C so he wanted to stay inside. We sit at a table away from everyone and I told him straight up that I was planning to leave him the day before but I wanted to talk about it. Nothing really was said except a few things here and there but I was getting all teary again. Then he gets frustrated and was saying how he was saying all of these things in his head but they wouldn't come out, and if they did he would cry. I finally convinced him to go out to the 4-runner so I could get him to talk and so we would have more privacy. He finally says what he was thinking and that got me crying cause it was the nicest yet sadest thing anyone has ever said. Neither of us would say it though say that I'm breakin' up with you. After a good amount of tears and hugging we conclude that we would remain best friends. It was so sad though and it hurt so badly...I told him I wouldn't be around in the mornings for awhile. We got each other laughing a bit and talked about other things and we decided to go to the mall so we could get something to drink. We get to this coffee shop in there and he gets this vanilla carmel drink and I get like a berry something or other and we walk a lil' trying to act as friends. Just talking not holding hands or anything he rubbed my back a bit while walking but that was the closest we got to touching. I had to keep my hands in my pocket to resist the urge to take his hand. We walk by Godiva and decide on getting a few chocolates we sit down somwhere and looked at the Lion King 1/2 sign go up and down over and over again. We feed each other a bite of one of our chocolates...and it was getting harder and harder to act this way. To get my mind somewhat off it I asked..and begged him to try on clothes with me. He agreed. We wander the mall in search of Old Navy. I cannot figure my way around the Boca Mall... We finally find it and I pick out clothes for him then find some for me the lady at the dressing rooms asked if we wanted one together or seperate no matter how much I was tempted to say together I siad seperate. I didn't really like the clothes on him cept for the pants and I think one shirt. I go into his dressing room and I look at him and I was just like. I can't do this. I can't act like friends. He said me either, then we were back in the begining but he said neither of us said it which was true. I kiss him then go back to my room we leave there but I still wanted to try on more clothes. We held each others hands this time and that felt so much better just snuggling against him walking. We go to Burdines cause I know they don't keep a sharp eye on the dressing rooms and we could talk if we needed to. I find this type of shirt that I have been dying to see him in cause I knew he would look sexy as hell and some pants to go with it. The shirt was tight and slinky and brown and the pants were semi tight and black....GOD! he looked good especially with him hair back...I would have taken him right then and there if that were possible but I didn't. We talk a bit after he changes into another shirt and pants and whatnot and we come to the conclusion that we would stay together and try to hang out more to not let this situation happen again. Well we leave the mall and go back to Don carters and lay down in the back of his truck then it started raining and...yah so my mom calls and she was like where are you? In other words I had to go home. He drops me off and we plan to hang out the next day. I felt a hell of alot better but I was just worried that we we wouldn't be able to make the relationship work but he told me not to think about it so I'm not. He had to work the next day at 3 we had nowhere to go so we went to the mall again but after 10 mins he was sick of it so we decided on the movies. We get there and we go see Without a paddle. Let me just say I was surprised about a few things and it wasn't a bad surprise at all...not at all. We got out of the movies at 2 and he dropped me off at home and so concluded the ending of a nice day. We were going to hang out today but I had stuff to do and so did he so we are going to hang out tomorrow after he gets off of work at 2..I wonder what were going to do. Oh yah I was supposed to figure that out. Any suggestions. I'm really bad about this. Anyways I have to get ready for bed...cause I'm tired and I'm gonna find a book to read and talk to Ryan for a bit on the phone. So I guess everything is ok for now. I hope it lasts alot longer...I really do...I just love him so much but anyways your probably sick of hearing about that so I'm off.

-Chasmin-

2 more shards | break my being