brokenmentality
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2003 5 December :: 9.21pm
:: Music: taking back sunday- you know how i do
Please, read, enjoy.............
"our hearts are crushed and our souls are forgotten, we are now eating apples that are rotten. Cuz we need food and we want to die so we can eat some pumpkin pie. I say hi, oh look theres a bird in the sky. Maybe we can shoot the bird and eat it for dinner, hey look its winter. Its really cold, i want to start writing in bold. my heart is laying on the floor, i just dont care anymore. stacy picked up a pickle and said its__ ___skin cell it fell from his head. oh my gosh what the hell is that? its ____ face against my baseball bat. we think of you all while were taking a shower. oh my god, are tounges are SOUR and we just lost power just look...at the hour! I wish i were as good as thee...oh my god I HAVE TO PEE."
-Stacy and Erika *at their breaking point*
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2003 5 December :: 6.09pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: switchfoot - ment to live
everybody knows..
my pap is in the hospital again.
he's not doing well. everbody in my family knows that, but no one will openly talk about it.
why is it so hard to talk about someone dying? ..it seems to be a simple question, but it's hard to answer.
..it's just to hard to face, so we cover it up and pretend like nothing is happening; when really we're losing a huge part of ourselves.
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2003 5 December :: 3.25pm
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday-cute without the e
well i guess this is my first entry.. its about time......
So how have i been...... hmmmmmmmm
i feel like i can never do anything right. Everything i do ends up hurting somebody else... it really sucks. I feel like such an idiot. All i ever do is wish i did things differently and regret the decisions i make. I just really fucked up... alot. I thought it was the right thing and now i dont think it was. Everytime i think about it i wanna scream. i hate everything about life... i really do. I went to youth group last night hoping that maybe it would clear things up a bit.. it made me feel a little bit better. Im just gonna jump more into christianity and get more involved. I feel like god doesnt listen to me. I cant do this alone...... but its like hes testing my faith. So i guess i'll put my life in his hands from now on. Im going on a missions trip to alaska in july... im really looking forward to it. I wish "this" was the only problem in my life. But everyday a new one comes up and i cant handle them all. I sit in my room and just cry sometimes because theres nothing else i can do. I got this book called god speaks and that keeps me busy. Or when im doing something it keeps my mind off everything thats going on.... then i stop thinking and it just pops into my mind. I did something i really shouldnt have..... Fuck......
I shouldnt be alloud to make my own decisons. I cant even pick something out of the fucking vending machine without stressing about it... i love being so pathetic...
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2003 1 December :: 2.04pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: linkin park - numb
everything's just getting worse
jim and i were supposed to go to the mall today, but his fone was busy busy busy- and i couldn't get through, so we didn't go. once again jim, thanks for basicly ditching me. 3rd day in a row.
You are the crying eye. You think nothing out theres worth it an u just want to be alone. You know uve been hurt 2 much wen u open ur eyes n all u see are tears.
The type of pain ur eyes behold brought to you by Quizilla
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2003 30 November :: 12.20pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: silence
there will always be that one special boy.. that no matter what he does to you, or how bad he hurts you.. you can never let him go.
..thats all i have to say.
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2003 29 November :: 2.22pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: p.o.d. - will you
i don't even know anymore..
so last night jim was like "yeah, i'll call you when i get home." he didn't even fuckin' get home until 1:30 a.m. or so he says and thats why he's calling so late. so i was like okay whatever.. and being that today is our one year anniversary- i figured he'd be like "happy anniversary" or SOMETHING. but of course not. he didn't say shit. a week or so ago we were talking about what we were going to do today and he told me that we were going to the mall, movies, dinner, ect. i kept asking him what we were gonna do today and he was just like "i don't know" "who knows" i'm like okay..? i got really pissed after about 4 minutes, because 9 out of 10- he didn't remember. so i said bye and hung up.. but he didn't call back. so i was just like "fuck it" to myself.. cried for a while. a long while. watched a movie, cried after the movie. did something bad, cried some more. went to sleep at 4:30 or so.. i thought maybe he'd call me back and say something nice, tell me that he didn't forget.. or something.. but no. he didn't.
my aunt called at like 9:30 this morning, because i was supposed to go to centry three with her and my gram, but i didn't go. who the fuck wants to go somewhere when their heart has literally been ripped out of them? i feel like shit.
i always feel like shit anymore.
maybe i'm wrong, maybe he didn't forget.. maybe he'll call me in a little bit and talk to me and say happy anniversary and tell me how much he loves me and everything, but i doubt it.
i'm doubting everything anymore.
//.jena
"your lies leave scars on my wrists"
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2003 28 November :: 11.13pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: legally blonde on tv
bad day
it was just a bad day today..
You are Sally. Jack is your love but he doesn't even think of you that way. you long to become your own person and get away from your posessive creator.
What character from Nightmare Before Christmas are you??? brought to you by Quizilla
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2003 28 November :: 7.32pm
-skins own face- "I WANT TO DIE!!!"-evanescence
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2003 28 November :: 7.09pm
i'm going to schweitzer...i won't be back until sunday...g'bye.
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Aaron
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2003 28 November :: 7.06pm
so you understand what this is...i just wrote a five page private entry...this is the last paragraph in it.
in that moment in time i fell back into that coma type existance i had been in for so long...and i don't want to come out...ever....i want to hide for eternity....every time i come out of my trance i get fucked over...fucked because i am too gentle...i care too much, i bring too much down on those around me...good bye.....good bye...good bye until i can crawl out of this hole again and brave the tortures of my hell...this doesn't mean i don't love you. this doesn't mean i won't be back for years like the last time. it doesn't mean i won't be back by tomorrow, or in just a few hours...it just means until the one i love...the one i depend on allows me to lean on them again i'll hide...hide like a cowardly little boy...goodbye now....i'd tell you i love you but i know you'd rather not hear it...that you really don't care...
i think i'll be okay...i just need to think...some time to think...i feel like i'm going to break down and cry....just give me a minute.
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Aaron
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2003 27 November :: 8.22pm
"Fascination Street" by "The Cure"...i have to remember that...
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2003 27 November :: 8.12pm
:: Mood: releived
:: Music: rolling by soul couphing
i swear i saw him!
Ok, so i saw him in a dream once, and when i saw that plastic jack-o-lantern it for a moment looked just like the one in my dream. so i placed the copper-plated shot into the pistol, closed the hatch, pumped it TWENTY ONE times, cocked it, put the barrel in it's mouth and turned off the safety, and leaned my face close to it and cursed him for all it had done to her, spat on it...and pulled the trigger. it wasn't until the junk of pink plastic the size of a cherry flew out of the back of it's head that i realized it was not him. maybe i am going insane...i think pumpkins look like him...pink pumpkins...and i seriously thought it was him...he didn't help! maybe it was his fault i though it was him.....well, almost time for dinner...
i miss you tori...we'll talk tomorrow, won't we? i love you...more than i think you know.
later,
Paul
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2003 27 November :: 5.31pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: bush - glycerine
happy thanksgiving everyone.
well, first off i'd like to tell everyone happy thanksgiving! and i hope everyone is having a wonderful one, with friends/family.
i was up my aunts, and a lot of my family. i would just sit in my chair and watch them. now about 1/2 of them have little kids, and my cousins greg and tiff just had a little girl about a year or so ago.. and i would just sit and watch how my cousin greg would look at her. you could just tell she was the center of his world. it was so cute. hailey [thats her name] is so cute. very very cute.
so i'm glad about everyone being up there.. but i wish more people could have made it. my pap isn't doing to good, so who knows what will happen, ya know? i just wish some people would understand that.
i think this year was the first year i actually stayed ate at a table with some people. i usually just go off by myself and eat in the living room- or whatever. but hey, i can change.. right? =]
jim said he was going to be out around 3, haha fuckin' yeah right. i hate when he tells me something and then doesn't do it! he could call me or something. but no. no no no.
i don't even care.
i'm in a pretty good mood- even though i am disappointed in him.
but hey, what else is new?
it'll be a year for jim and i on the 29th of this month. ONLY 2 DAYS AWAY! ahh! it's so scary! but it's wonderful. =]
i'm gonna go back up my aunts. like i said, i hope eveyone is having a wonderful thanksgiving!
xoxo.jena
"i made the choice to finally go because i can’t stand this pain. it’s time for my last tear to fall and me to smile again."
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2003 27 November :: 5.16pm
:: Music: smells like teen spirit, Nirvana
i miss my girl...
one person does know me...and she's currently 120 miles away and can't even get on IM because of this whole "big dead bird day" tradition. man, i miss her already. jesus...lol, alex and maddy are playing video games and alex is attacking a the invinsable and extremely explosive objects causing him to be blown to hell and back. god, this kid is insane (song switches to rooster by alice in chains) yeah, well...life is okay for the moment. it is a battle, a long bloody battle, full of these cycles. but i swear, i'll break 'em, every last shitty-ass cycle is going to get a nice big fuck up the ass. i'm so sick of them, so sick of what they do to people. i can't take it much longer...but if i have her, i can hang in as long as i need to. see, that's what being dependant on someone who actually loves you can do for you. you have this unlimited power source. when i'm around her i get totally rejuvinated. i feel so free and powerful and limitless...the feeling i get in my gut when i can't tell which pulse is mine and which is hers. the feeling i get every time i replay the sound of "yes" falling from her sweet voice. she's the only girl i've ever met that i think looks just as good with her hair up as she does with it down. (song switches to freedom by rage against the machine, i'm listening to accuradio) so here i am, recording my thoughts of her...chewing on the end of the stick of a tootsie pop (i already ate all the candy off of it) and slumping in this chair wearing my preppy quick silver sweater that none of you have ever seen me wear and those light brown pants i have...hey tori, remember when you cut the zipper thingy? well on one side all the strings seperated and are SO bushy right now. well, yeah...you guys saw my gap boxers and teased me about my "preppy cloths"...well, this pair of pants, which i was wearing that day, and the pair identical only darker to thhem are from old navy. all of my boxers are either from nordstrom's, the gap, or old navy. my solid black belt? j. crew. so...any one in the least bit surprised about this? (song switches too basket case by green day...more accuradio) well guys, i should hang out with maddy alex...you guys are awesome. i love you tori. -big huggs-
later,
Paul
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2003 27 November :: 5.07pm
:: Mood: high..irritated by phillip and fiona and this godd
:: Music: sweet dreams, marilyn manson
waterity water water water
"What's your element" - Results:
Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a good communicator. Incredibably loving and loyal when your trust is gained and you are fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river but nobody truly knows you.
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:
Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a
good communicator. Incredibably loving and
loyal when your trust is gained and you are
fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is
in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river
but nobody truly knows you.
What's your element brought to you by Quizilla
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wow...well, the description is fitting.
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2003 27 November :: 1.31pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: ...what do you think? so far away, staind
"So Far Away"
this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
cuz i
i must be sleeping
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
in all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today
these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before
somebody shake me cuz i
i must be sleeping
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
in all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today
i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
in all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today
so far away...maybe the world is going to leave. i'll save her from it...i'll break these cycles...but i can't do that if she doesn't trust me. difference between me and those two. we can start with the fact that i love her. yay. now what else...well, i have both the maturity and strength to handle the shit given to me by the world. something they both lacked. i care more about her than anything else. my grades, my music, my horses, even my goddamn life, pathetic as it is, falls so far below her, and her interests, and her needs, and all of her dreams and hopes, that it would seem that i live for her. which, infact, is entirly correct. i do live for her. something they both lacked. now all these comparison's really aren't going to get me anywhere. i am not them, in any way shape or form. i love tori, and i'll keep her forever. no one can convince me other wise. :P!!! so there. now that we have this settled, why don't we move to the events of last night? well...it started with me talking to tori and then my brother wanting to check his email which he done not ten minutes earlier and was perfectly capable of doing elsewhere, he just never did. well, my parents got really pissed at me when i told him to just get off his lazy ass and walk upstairs and check it himself and they unplugged the computer in the middle of our conversation. i got pissed and yelled at them for being unresonable and unfair and pretanding that they were the supreme rulers of my life and they took my crutches and left me standing there and went into their room to talk. well they forgot, obviously, that the only thing between me and walking is a whole lot of pain. so i walked outside of their door and heard them talk about how they thought they should send me to the hospital. well, at that point i barged in and from 9:30 to 11:30 we combated each other verbally, and though they denied it all three of us knew i had kicked their asses (go debaters!) so they didn't take me to the hospital though i think they still beleive i am insane, and maybe i am. but whatever, it doesn't matter. they are not putting me in a fucking straight jacket. in fact, my winning argument was that throwing me into an insane asylim because i have the idea that my parents shouldn't have 100% control over me would be kinda like how they locked up divinci for beleiveing that the world was round. there were two similarities.
1: he got locked up
2: he was right
so there you have it folks, i kicked the asses of my parents. though they refused to admit it, i did. well, i have to go now, but i'll be online at my cousin's house. i love you tori, XO.
later people,
Paul
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Aaron
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2003 27 November :: 1.10pm
:: Mood: comforted
:: Music: some smashing pumpkins song...a happy one. it's playing in maddy's room.
Tori,
i'm supposed to be leaving in about thirty seconds, which doesn't give me much time, though i'll be on MSN messanger at my cousin's house. i'm all apolagies about last night. my dad unplugged the computer...anyway, i'll talk to you more later...i don't think you'd apreciate me continueing the conversation where everyone can see it. just know this. love is a verb. it is the act in which you become dependant on something or someone. i know your fear. i have that same fear. but i'm still that person you've trusted for five years. that person isn't leaving. minor changes may occur, but that is simply natural as ones hystory grows. i love you. i have become dependant on you. i live for you. and i would be no where without you.
with all the love of the world and whatever lies beyond, i am yours.
Paul
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Aaron
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2003 25 November :: 11.59pm
:: Mood: frightened
:: Music: my immortal, evanescence
again...it's haunting me.
tori...i need you...i'm frightened. i can feel the temptation rising...i don't know why....please, tori, call me or something...i won't be online much longer....please.
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2003 25 November :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: happy/tired/anxious...he's almost free! ^.^
tori..i wasn't. i deleted the message and i can't even remember the email adress. i have nore respect for you than that. i don't even have that much of a desire to talk to him. i think you need to learn to trust me more ;). i love you. no idea where you are at the moment. i know you said you were going to either nora's or sophie's house to do a science project...pretty sure it was nora. anywho, i'm on until nine. see ya soon.
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2003 25 November :: 5.54pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: smile empty soul - bottom of the bottle
please do this.
my mom e-mailed me this site for Campbells soup. they're helping the people that need food.
what you do is [first CLICK HERE.] and then click on you favorite team of the NFL. [or if you don't have a favorite team, vote for the Pittsburgh Steelers. ;) ]
please do that.. just imagine what it'd be like in their shoes.
xx.jena
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2003 23 November :: 7.27pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: talking to jim
got what i wanted
yeah, jim stayed home from work yesterday.. and today. =)
we went to the mall today- i got some stuff. (3 new shirts.)
that's all.
xx.jena
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2003 23 November :: 5.53pm
thinking about it...should i tell her? later. much much later...now is just not good for her...i think this needs to brew longer, too. i still haven't found out everything,.
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2003 23 November :: 3.57am
:: Mood: tired/pained/happy/lonely
:: Music: techno on tori's computer, now on mine!
tori's eyeware
i say get contacts. no hiding for you missy. besides, i think you'll like it...i know i would. the glasses dim your eyes, though my opinion shouldn't matter to you...well actually, it should. but don't let it sway your decision. you choose, though my vote is for contacts...
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2003 22 November :: 11.54pm
goddamn it tori, i miss you like hell. i am dying. i am also sober, if that at all speeds your return. though, i am in large amounts of pain and will probably take a painkiller again very very soon. tons of love, XO, your own manic retard,
paul.
post script: though i made quite sure you heard with comments in your journal, my cousin showed me the link to the site from which the techno on your computer originated. it was most hystarical and random. i was most impressed when they played rammstien (german anarchist, let me enphasize this, ANARCHIST heavy metal band) as the theme song to the nazi crab which so malevolantly tried to steal poor blotes zepplin and was foiled by the combined forces of mr. pringle in a minitary tank and hairy in the zepplin itself, though it was hairy that stopped him and not mr. pringle and his military tank...how sad. (goddamnit i talk funny when i'm fucking sober, where the hell are my narcodics???!!!??!!?!)
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2003 22 November :: 9.41pm
:: Mood: lonely/hungry
:: Music: techno on tori's computer
ah...i had and anger rush today...i dropped a knife on my foot. i didn't mean to of course but i did and it squirted blood up and around. it was funny. so...i watched a LIVE world war 2 movie...it was a little unnerving, i mean, you're watching real people get mutilated with flame throwers and shells and you begin to wonder "what if that were me? would anyone cry for me? would anyone care if i were that guy getting melted alive?" it was pretty bizarre. -sigh-...tori is at a movie. i miss her...hurry back love. i need to speak with someone.
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2003 22 November :: 6.41pm
ah man...it was 3:33, but now it's 3:34....sad
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2003 22 November :: 6.31pm
wow...look at all that blood. did i do that?
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2003 22 November :: 1.59pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: silence
nothing in particular
jim was supposed to go to work today, be he got really sick.. so he's not going in until 5. which is good, cause that means he'll get to spend more time with me. but i think he should just call off the whole day. so i can go over his house and stay or something. yeah. i think i'll try to get him to do that.
i'll update later with the results.
xx.jena
"they lie in bed with nothing said, as she gently falls asleep.
he thinks about how life would be if they didn't meet."
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2003 21 November :: 6.59pm
lmao!!! right as i say that she and morgan call on a cell phone and tell me they're coming over!!! hahaha...yay!!! i can't wait to see her.
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2003 21 November :: 6.50pm
tori should be on soon...yay! hehehe...i miss her...*sigh* i wanna hang out with her but she has to go to her dad's house.
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