when i think about my future i get so scared and so excited.

im excited about succeeding. that is one thing that makes me so happy. to have my life turn out absolutely wonderful... with a man who loves me and wants me and will take care of me and a career which i love and suceed at. and then with children who i love and adore and who love and adore me in return. in a house with green grass and trees in the front yard. that's what i want. to be happy in the future and know that even if bad things happen, people love me and i love me. that's what i really want. i'm halfway there.

but... i get scared for the failure i may face. there are so many things that could go wrong and prevent me from moving in the direction i want. so many things that would rob me of my biggest happiness right now. and i know that my family will always love me and be proud of me, but sometimes that just isn't enough. i have to love me and be proud of myself. but... i don't know if i could do that if i don't succeed at the things i want to do right now... if i loose him... i don't know what i'd do. i'd be so lost... and if i had to stay at that college... that would just kill me. i don't want to be stuck there. and i really want to go to digipen. but if i don't get in... i don't know what i'd do. as much as i love being in spokane, i don't find it an option if i don't get into digipen. that would spell the end of my relationship with him.. and that isn't something i ever want to happen.

if anyone makes me a better person it's him. for him i want to succeed. i want to be the best. i want nothing more than to be with him and make him happy and laugh with him... when i'm around him i never feel like i'm not good enough... i never feel like my best isn't enough with him... and when i look into his smiling eyes and see his grin it just fills me with the greatest joy i've ever known. he is amazing. he's one of the best people i've ever met. he makes me feel complete, whole, in love... special beyond any definition of the world. and his happiness is so paramount to me. it is the most important thing when i'm around him... and yes, sometimes i just can't be happy around him but it isn't because of him... it's because of me. and he's okay with that. he's happy with that. because he loves me and he knows i love him so much.

i cry the most when i'm with him... he's just so perfect to me. i look at him and i can't help but cry. he's just so beautiful. so radiant. he makes me so happy that i can't help but cry with it. it's so wonderful to look at him, his naked body in the sunlight and his gentle smile and the love in his eyes... and to start crying, to feel the happiness bubbling out of me, out of my eyes and heart... knowing that he feels the same way and that it makes him feel special and happy.

and to lose that... well... that would end everything. i lost him once and that was hell... i don't want to think of what would happen if i lost him again. he's the light in my life... he isn't the only person in my life, but he's so important to me and my happiness.



then there are my friends... and one in particular. she's always been in my heart since we first became friends... she's so warm and passionate, i can't help but feel jealous. she's my best friend and without her i'd be lost. i love being around her because she loves me and i love her. we've been through a lot together, very hard times and very good times... when we stopped being friends, i didn't stop caring about her... when i looked at her and saw she was sad, i was sad and concerned, even though we weren't talking... we were both so stubborn then, and hurt... but we got past that... seattle is so lonely without her. i wish she was going to my school so i could have my best friend there with me.

i remember when we were little, how much fun we used to have just playing games. talking, laughing... it was so nice to have someone who shared things with me and who i felt completely confident around. she's good at keeping secrets and she's so good at listening... i'm just bad at talking, i'm so scared to lose her that i don't always say what i need to. but i know she'll love me no matter what... and i know she loves me too.

and success, i think... is keeping her friendship until i die... and have her be auntie to my kids and grow our children up together... and we would never be alone in the world, even if everyone else left us, we'd still have eachother... she's one of the best people i know and that i've had the luck to be best friends with... i only wish we could be closer now, when i need her the most.




i hate fear... but it's important... and the most important part is to not let it paralyze you. yes, i'm terrified that i won't get my way, but i'm going to try my hardest to make my future turn out the way it should. that is the most important thing to me...

to just... be happy.

happiness...

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me