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2004 9 August :: 1.07pm
:: Mood: mischievous
:: Music: Skye Sweetnam-Billy S
WTF?!? No really, what the heck is going on?? YOU ARE SUCH A FREAK!!!!!!!
SUPER FREAK lol ok I'm going to shut up because I really am mad. Well..just annoyed.
Stop doing this !!! or I'm going to kick you right in the guns you stupid kid! Keep your little "treasure" away from any girl with a brain.
jaldkfja;lsdfjalksdfjlkdjflkasjflskjf
YOU BOYS ARE SO FUCKING STUPID I WANT TO RIP YOUR BALLS OFF!
lol im crazy, oh well what can ya do..
Jess
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2004 8 August :: 4.37pm
Devon came over, we were going to go shopping..but couldn't. :( grrr
Haha!!!!! I almost pissed my pants I was just laughing so hard. That's always fun. Heh. I
really wish you could all see what I big nerd I am when Im laughing so hard I can't even speak..
lol. Lol Shannon knows from last night. I could not keep my giggles to myslef. I almost died
then too. Lol...I LOVE laughing it makes everything better! ahh lol good stuff
Lol I love you, I really do. Lol you just crack me up. And it makes me love you even more.
When I fall in love it's going to be absouletly un-touchable, amazingly fun, and it's going
to be real love. oh and I'm not going to lose my virginity until I'm married. I have morals.
Not that some of you don't, even though there are some of you who let anyone in your pants..
which is just gross..but oh well that's you, not me. I believe in waiting ..and it being
amazing, wether you agree or not, fine, but I know what I believe, and that's just fine with
me. So no more questions please. I'm pure and innocent. Which is the way I intend to stay
thank you very much.
Ah I'm so excited for school to start. I just cannot wait!! *smiles*
My Grandpa is going to be just fine. Sure it'll be rough sometimes, but he's a strong little
cookie, he's fine.
I can't wait for Dev's going away party. It shall be a fun little garthering :) I'm going to
miss that girl. a lot, which I know..I already said. but the girl has been one of my best
friends sinc eshe moved here.
Ahhh I love Mirah Carey...still..haha that's sad, ok Im going to go to the movies goodbye all
Jess
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2004 8 August :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Skye Sweetman-Tangeled up in me
Last night I went bowling with Shannon and her cousin. It was fun. I had like 86 in the fifth frame. My first three frames were all strikes, and I got a turkey :) tee hee, it was sooo crazy, i suck at bowling :) So me being the dumb girl I am, get all stuck up, like oh yeah I'm gonna win...then i lose by two points. Grrr I was so angry. I'm such a poor sport when it comes to stuff like that. Oh-well I admit it, I am. I won't deny it, it's only bowling though.
I had to babysit Paige this morning. I was so sleepy and cranky. I went over the edge when she threw her tray on the ground. Grr I went balistic! Then thank God my uncle got home, and I just took a shower and Devon called and we talked for a long time. I'm goin to miss that silly girl.
I've come to the realization over the past week or two that I don't like Dan like I thought I did. He's become one of my best friends, and nothing else would ever fit, and without him lately ...i would be even more crazy than I already am. He's been my life saver. Ah I love you Mr . Boom Boom :) lol
So yeah, tell me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a smart idea not to say things you don't mean just because you're upset?? Yes, I'm correct it is a good idea. I know I've done it but I've gotten a hell of a lot better at it , since I learned my lesson last time.aksdjf;lkajdf;k I just am not even going to concern myself with this right now, I don't want too, I don't need too, you do... you you you. grr *shakes fist* it's always someone else who makes the mistake, it's never you.
Another thing I'm done with ..is you. All of you. (no one in specific as messed up as this is and as much as it doesn't make sense) im done with all of it. For a while anyway, because I can't handle it right now.
We had to set my my Grandpa's bed for when he gets out of the hospital and I have never been so confused in my life. The directions involved math, and ahhh I went insane. Geometrey better be easy this year or I'm going to shoot myself right in the fucking head.
I had a dream about you last night. You wrote me a letter and gave it to me on a tractor lol, and as much as I don't understand anything that you do or say, a part of me wanted to forgive you, in the dream..and out. hmm...smack me please.
ERIKA I FUCKING MISS YOU!!!
I know that I'm going to sound like a selfish little brat when I say this but I'm getting so pissed off that I can't do anything. Like when I want to go tanning, I can't because no one can take me, because every things just caotic. Total waste of 55 dollars, and i got a unlimited month grr...does anyone know if like..that means from like the first of this month to the 31st, or does it mean every time you go in counts twords a day to a month?? gkajsflkajlfk;j then I was supose to go school shopping today, b/c woodland's having a huge sale, and can I?? no . I love my family, dont get me wrong, and ther eisn't anything Iw oudln't do for them. I would just really appreciate it if people would start fucking asking me to do stuff instead of demanding it. I would do it either way, but just the fact that you don't have the common curtisy to ask me first, like a normal, poliet person...is getting to me.
*sigh* I want school to fucking start.
aksfklajfklajdfkjadkfjaldkfjalkdjflaksdjf
I need to get away.
Jess
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2004 8 August :: 10.37am
anyone wanna go shopping today, call me later purtty please woodland has a big sale and i need to shop!! :):):)
last night was wierd....no fun
except seeing shannon
jess
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2004 7 August :: 8.34pm
:: Mood: aggravated
This is exactly what im fucking talking about!!
YOU DO STUPID SHIT AND SAY STUPID CRAP WHEN YOURE ALL ANGRY AND IT ISNT TILL AFTERWARDS WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU MADE IT WORSE THAN WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN!!!!!!
kjdfkasjdfl;kasjdfl;kajsdflkajsd;lfkjasd;lf
this is so fucking stupid that it isn't even worth my fucking time, it's the last fucking thing i need. so forget that bs.
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2004 7 August :: 10.38am
| Smartest: | jess, andy, logan, angeeh | | Dumbest: | no one | | Funniest: | will and jess | | Morst Boring: | none | | Most Popular: | Andy | | Quiestest: | Cass | | Loudest: | Linds | | Laid Back: | Mike | | Outgoing: | Jess | | Sweetest: | Jenna, Erika, Becky, Cassie, Shannon | | Evilest: | Jess...no one else breaks my nose on an arm rest and tells me shes going to get a bird feeder | | Prettiest: | all of them are, but I'd have to say jess and cass are high up there | | Ugliest: | none of my friends are ugly | | Best Parents: | heather helbling's mom i love her, and jess's parents are like my second ones i love them too | | Worst Parents: | no comment | | Best Dressed: | jess or erika | | Worst Dressed: | dunno | | Biggest Pothead: | i dont have any pot head friends | | Prep: | andy | | Goth: | dunno | | Punk: | dunno | | Geek: | dunno | | Most Annoying: | ------- | | Most Loveable: | all my friends are | | Sexiest: | mike | | Hotest: | mike | | Loves Money: | andy | | Most Depressed: | ? | | Wants a Cow: | devon!! | | Knows everything about you: | jess | | Wants to know everything about you: | you tell me | | Has the most siblings: | jessi guess | | Best Eyes: | jess has these pretty blue bright eyes, and dan has these beatiful brown eyes ahh...i love them both | | Best Smile: | jess and cassie for sure | | Follows You: | no one | | You Follow: | no one | | Ignores you: | ...hmm...dunno | | Lies: | she knows who | | Honest: | taryn | | Most Kinky: | - - - - - | | Most Self Centered: | ehhh - - - - - | | Most Giving: | all my friends | | Most Caring: | all my friends | | Richest: | doesn't matter | | Poorest: | doesn't matter | | Biggest Ego: | andy | | Smallest Ego: | dunno | | Smallest House: | doens't matter | | Biggest House: | jess | | Lowest Self Esteem: | thats a mean question | | Most Confidence: | andy | | Flirtiest: | katie | | Hits on your Girlfriend/Boyfriend: | dont have one, so no one | | Watches cartoons too much: | no one | | Most Hated: | no one | | Most Loved: | all my friends | | Hates People: | i dunno..me and jess hate ppl a lot when they annoy su | | Would go goth: | would what? | | Most Obessive: | bbbbbb | | Corniest: | lol i love corny people it's better than mean | | Tallest: | mike | | Shortest: | jess and eirka | | Nicest: | jess, cass, shea, jenna, eirka, becky, | | Meanest: | dunno | | Deepest [thinker]: | adrian | | Shallow: | andy | | Best for Advice: | taryn | | Worst for Advice: | not sure | | One you'd date: | mike | | One you'd screw: | i wouldn't | | Known the longest: | jess | | Met most recently: | umm...dan i supose? even though i met him before school ended.. | | Worst Taste in Music: | mike...techno...grrr | | Best Taste in Music: | jess | | Worst taste in Clothes: | lol i dunno | | Worst Taste in Clothes: | im assuming that is supose to be best taste in clothes, so probably patty | | One you couldn't live without: | jess | | One you could do without: | him and her | | Clumsiest: | linds | | Most Prude: | not sure | | Most Perfect: | jess | | Most Slutty: | ehh... | | The Badass: | umm...hmm...dunno | | Best Personality: | all my friends, that's why their my friends | | Worst Personality: | no one | | Most Talented: | jess | | Would Die for: | jess | | Would Let Die: | i dont think i have friends like that, but there is an enemie | | Can always suprise you: | jess | | Most Mysterious: | mike | | Gives you the Lamest Gifts: | that's mean | | Seeks Attention: | devon | | Most Guts: | katie | | Want to be Closer With: | mike | | Starts Arguments: | no one really | | Solves Them: | jess | | Goes to You for Advice: | shea, cass, jess | | Bitchiest: | linds when she doesn't get her sleep | | Most Fememine: | kate | | Most Masculine: | andy | | Blondest: | linds | | Most Creative: | jess | | Most Musical: | jess | | The Pimp: | katie | | The Whore: | Jess, but she's not really a whore, just a joke | | Hurts you the Most: | him | | Loves you the Most: | Jess | | Best Student: | Jess and Andy | | Worst Student: | will | | Would Like to Take it to the Next Level With: | mike | | Most Annoying: | haha listen to the next few | | Drama Queen: | brianna, but we aren't really friends | | Most Immature: | will | | Most Mature: | taryn | | Most Talkative: | jess | | Most Athletic: | devon | | Most Snobby: | ehh.. | | Most Original: | danielle | | Would Change for You: | i wouldn't | | You've Kissed: | honestly...who kisses and tells to just anyone | | You want to Kiss: | no more kissing just messes things up | | Can Trust with Deepest Secrets: | Jess, Cass | | Can always Cheer you Up: | Will, Jess, Dan | | Can Always Bring you Down: | Will | | One you love the Most: | Jess | | Gayest One: | Andy | | Nicest Hair: | Jess | | Crys the Most: | me and jess | | Eats the Most: | me and jess together | | Homophobic One: | Jimmy | | Best Body: | i dunno | | Most Likely to Get Drunk and Bang Someone: | Kati'es | | One who can Party the Most: | Katie's | | Best Listener: | Jess | | Unique: | Danielle, Jess, | | Neediest: | Jess, she's need the strokin~ ;) haha | | Motivated: | Shannon, Jess | | Innocent: | Cass | | Guilty: | what do you mean guilty? | | Spoiled: | Lol Kate isn't spoiled but her mom makes her a late night snack, and she has a stick!! lol c'mon |
Long Friends Survey brought to you by BZOINK!
EmotionDump - 100% Anonymous Emotions and Confessions
5 do you.♥ |
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2004 6 August :: 10.32pm
| What is your favorite.. | | gum: | orbit, speriment | | restaurant: | olga's kitchen | | drink: | orange juice | | season: | summer | | type of weather: | warm | | emotion: | happiness, excitment | | thing to do on a half day: | go shopping with friends, or go tubing with friends during the winter :) | | late-night activity: | star gazing | | sport: | basketball | | city: | new york city | | store: | american eagle | | When was the last time you.. | | cried: | when i saw my grandpa today | | played a sport: | three days ago, basketball | | laughed: | today | | hugged someone: | today | | kissed someone: | few days | | felt depressed: | this week | | felt elated: | not for a while | | felt overworked: | this week | | faked sick: | sometime during school | | lied: | today | | What was the last.. | | word you said: | retarded | | thing you ate: | banna bread | | song you listened to: | Martina McBride-How Far | | thing you drank: | Water | | place you went to: | hospital | | movie you saw: | dont remember, oh far. 911 w/ jess | | movie you rented: | 50 first dates on paperview | | concert you attended: | haha the only concert I've attended was Oliva Newton John , and it was only because my sister was supose to take my dad for his birthday, then she got sick and backed out | | Who was the last person you.. | | hugged: | Danielle Millering | | cried over: | My Grandpa | | kissed: | i hate people who kiss and tell... | | danced with: | Jess | | shared a secret with: | Cassie | | had a sleepover with: | Jenna and Kourtney | | called: | Dan | | went to a movie with: | Jess | | saw: | Dan technically..not including work | | were angry with: | my mom | | couldn't take your eyes off of: | haha wouldn't you like to know.. | | obsessed over: | Kenny Chesney | | Have you ever.. | | danced in the rain: | yes, it was fun | | kissed someone: | yes | | done drugs: | no | | drank alcohol: | yes | | slept around: | no! | | partied 'til the sun came up: | yes | | had a movie marathon: | no | | gone too far on a dare: | yes | | spun until you were immensely dizzy: | yes | | taken a survey quite like this before: | yes |
The Favorites, Have-You-Evers.. and Last Times! Oh, the variety! brought to you by BZOINK!
EmotionDump - 100% Anonymous Emotions and Confessions
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2004 6 August :: 9.27pm
ughh what are you doing?? aren't you being a little tad bit hypocritical..ughh I hate when
you pull this stuff. Just back off, leave him alone. What is the point?? Like what are you
really expecting to happen, anything good?? It's just going to bad, and you know it too. You just don't want to accept it.
I'm so exhausted.
All the stores at Woodland are having a big sale on Sunday, and I got my paycheck today, so im going to go shopping. hopefully. that always cheers me up.
you're girlfriends bi-sexual,...wait you have a girlfriend??? I don't know ...I really am not intrested in you at all like that...which probably doesn't make sense...under the circumstances.. but I dont want anything at all, and I've never thought of you like that...ever....but if you have a girlfriend...why'd you make a move? ahhh you boys get more and more fucking retarded every day. You have something great, and even when you know that there isn't anything else you can have, you try to go after it anyway and just fuck things up and dont care till it's too late, then total deny it being your fault! I TOLD YOU no, and you still didn't listen. This is your fault...and I can't help you. I warned you. I even asked you not to try anything dumb, in regards to what happened last time.
There's this really sweet, nice ...adoreable guy in our grade this year named Landon. He seems like a really down to earth kinda guy...aww...that wont last too long after meeting stupid people at cedar....*shakes head* Cedar is so dumb...no offense...i love most o foyu, but some of you...are just stupid. oh well, what can ya do.
Thanks to all the people who came to see me this week. Jess, twice. Josh, Tony, Jeff, Katie, Dan, Shannon. I love you guys! and it meant a lot, kept my mind off a lot of things. I don't know what I would do without you guys!
I need to talk to Dan and vent..grrr...
I need to go sleep im sooooo fucking tiered. but no..i can't. why, don't ask.
jess
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2004 6 August :: 5.51pm
:: Mood: loved
Well...I've been on a Dawson's Creek marathon for about two months now. Watching every episode from the begging, although I'd seen a lot of them, never saw the ending ones. Today I did, and I haven't cried so hard in a long time.
It's funny, because you lose yourself in tv, and it sounds dumb, but it's not...because it's life, and you do lose yourself in it. We spend our whole lifes just living just to see how it's supose to be, and ...it's so much more than what we think, ever.
Anyhoo, forget Dawson's Creek for a second lol.
I didn't want to go to work today, like always. Kourt and her mom picked me up, and we got there and yeah, I just felt like leaving.
Turned out to be a good day though. Sorta..you'd think that friends could just be good friends without anything else. adfj;askjd
So I got out of work today, went to the bank, cashed my check, then went tanning, and yeah, stupid lady there totally screwed me over. She messed up the booth, so I got in and it only had like two minutes left, and then they woudln't let me do the ten minutes I was supose too because "It's the federal law" psh! Federal Law my ass! Big woopdy doo. So I wasted so much lotion and 15 minutes of my day...lol for nothing!!! I was so heated. grrr...dumb lady!
Got home took a shower, watched Dawson's Creek, and now I have to go visit my Grandpa then babysit.
lov ya
Jess
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2004 6 August :: 6.12am
ahahaha......im so tiered do you want to know what I did?!?! WHAT I FUCKING DID!!! Yeah, so for like the second time this month, I was not paying attention in the shower and put body wash in my hair.
I'm stupid.
I'm so effing tiered. And I most certianly DO NOT want to fucking go to work today! I HATE GOING TO THAT STUPID FUCKING PLACE! I hate it , I hate it, I hate it. I just don't want to be someplace like that, were you are restricted to a small area while you're in a bitchy mood, and have a lot on your mind. That's just asking for problems.
UGHHH IM GOING TO FUCKING SERIOUSLY HAVE LIKE A BREAK DOWN! I can't remember the day, the wekk, the dat,e I can't type correctly dfkajsdfkjalkdfjalk;dfjlkjdf omg.. pepper, my dog just flew into the door, haha ok i gotta go
somebody else can pray for me, im all prayed out. thanx , so much...THANK YOU!!
ugh i hope i pass out on the tractor today, fall off, and get run over, and rushed to the hospital...ahh NO MORE fucking work, or changing diapers, or trying to feed a baby food who doesn't want to be fed, or i could sleep alld ay, whenever im tiered, no babies getting into everything, running aroung with brazeers hanging out of their pants...
AHHH JUST FUCKING SHOOT ME RIGHT IN THE DAMN HEAD!..no, not really...
off to work....joy....
jess
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2004 5 August :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Maria Mena-You're the only one
I'm so tiered, and not thinking straight, that I honestly could not remeber what doay was, or the date. bah...im deprieved from sleep, the more that's on my mind, no matter how tiered i am, the less sleep i can get.
babysat paige, dan came over, took a nap for like a half an hour, got up showered, went to the hospital with my uncle jim, bought big teddy bear ballons, a teddy bear, and fake flowers, got to the hospital, stayed there a while, went tanning, got groceries for everyone, came home, and now i have to go to work tomorrow...then babysit the rest of the night
*sigh*
prayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Jess
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2004 5 August :: 1.55pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Rascal Flats-While you loved me
Hmm...well that wasn't was I was expecting. Oh-well, I guess my devotion isn't worth it. Maybe my will and pride are too much, and im not worth it. who knows, but although it strikes the curiousty, it doesn't matter because i know what's still left. Which could be better than what I think I wanted to find.
Anyhow I confide and trust you, and love you for being there for me.
Enough said.
So I'm babysitting tonight till 10 then when my mom brings everyone home from the hospital, I'm going back up there with her, and we are staying over night, then I'm going to work tomorrow ....does that even make sense? grr
My Chapter One, begins with you.
Pray
Jess
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2004 5 August :: 9.25am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Rascal Flats-Praying for daylight
Seems like the days are ok, and it's the night times when everyone gets home that gets me all...nerve shooken. It's always the nights that are bad, rather than the day.
I didn't get any good sleep last night at all. I woke up every like hour and a half. Besides the fact that we had people coming in and out of the house at all hours of the night, that didn't help either. Oh-well, what can ya do.
Thank God for woohu, I don't know what I would do without it.
Don't make me spend another loenly night, praying for daylight. So I don't have to act like my whole world is going wrong.
Keep my mind off of it...please
*pray*
Jess
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2004 4 August :: 10.50pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Maria Mena-Sorry
Last night Jess came over and we got ice cream.
Today, I got up earlie took a shower, then everyone went up to the hospital and I was at home to watch Paige.
Had a vistor. :)
Then Jeff came over. Things are good.
These are the kinda things I need right now. No attachments, no strings, just...people to hug and to hold.
All I need is people who really care about me, good friends, and that's exactlly what I have to keep my mind off everything. I love all of you soooo much and thank you fro coming over and seeing me all of you!! It's so nice, and I appreciate it so much!
Jess came over later. We turned on the rap music and Paige danced with us. Then we baked brownies, lol didn't turn out to yummy and then Jess just left. I don't know what I would do without her. It's so nice that my family actually knows her too, like my Grandma remembers her from when she was little. She's my best friend and the only person who understands me like I understand myself. Thank you so much for being here for me lately Jess, it means a lot. I love you.
Then I got a collect call..and accepted I'm so fucking stupid!!! It's unrealy! As soon as I heard you say your name, my heart just dropped into my stomach, and all these feelings came rushing back of hate, and anger, and sadness, just bad bad memories, and im not sorry that you are where you are and you cant be here to really know everything going on becaues it's YOUR fault you're there, NO ONE ELSES! not mine, and im tiered for blaming myself, or feeling sorry that maybe it is my fault. Because it's not, and the only thing I feel sorry for you about is how low you are, and I pitty you!
Grrjdflkajdfl;kj
It's *SOOO* fucking nice not having to work, although I wont be getting paid, and if none of this was going on I wouldn't have to worry about it. But I do, and I'm just making the best of it. tomorrow I have to babysit too. Then after everyone gets home I'm going to see him at like 9, and staying over night at the hospital. So I'm happy I get to see him...sort of..yeah.
*pray*
Jess
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2004 4 August :: 6.39pm
ahhhh!!!!
He's a good kisser.
umm...should I tell them or should I leave it a secret...since i do feel kinda bad..but why should I because...umm...technically im not dating either of them..
jess is coming over so i can vent and watch scary movie 3, so gotta go
thanx dan...grrr...you need to call me 696-0738 today
jess
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2004 4 August :: 2.40pm
Survey from Kevin
The Ultimate Kissing Survey
Age of first kiss: 13
Number of people you've kissed: I can count them on both hands, im no whore thank you very much.
French kissing is: most of the time gross because most people just are slobbering all over you, or they have no idea what they are doing
The worst kind of kiss is: the ones where you have to whipe your face off afterwards
The best kisser you know: sadly..i can't believe it's him, but it's a good thing I don't kiss and tell
The worst kisser you know: Billy the fireman haha
The celebrity you'd like to kiss: Justin Timberlake
Friend you would like to kiss or kiss again: Dan
Favorite movie kiss: How to lose a guy in ten days
Do you kiss on the first date?Depends
Eyes open or closed? closed
Average number of kisses you get a day: one
Ever kissed a friend's boyfriend or girlfriend? yupp
The last person you kissed: My mom and dad
Best placed to be kissed: outside under the stars
Have you kissed someone of the same sex? yeah on the cheek
What about the opposite sex?:hmm...think about it
Do you consider kissing cheating? yes
The longest you've gone without a kiss: a month?
The kiss you regret most is: this stupid bastard that i now hate
Kissing in public is: fine if it's not every two seconds
Tongue rings are: not a turn on
Two girls kissing is: overrated and stupid
Two guys kissing is: gay. no matter what
hmmm intresting
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2004 4 August :: 11.47am
:: Mood: amazed
:: Music: Maroon 5-She will be loved
You are the rain after the storm has passed. Each time you kiss me, you make my heart beat slower and faster all at the same time.
You are the only one who in time can give me what I need right now. The only one to show me what I need to see.
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2004 4 August :: 10.17am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Rascal Flats-I'm moving on
My dad came into my room this morning at like 5 and woke me up and gave me a hug and a kiss.I haven't seen him in a long time. I haven't even had a two min. conversation with my dad in quet awhile.
>Strength
>Understanding
>Love
*sigh*
~praying~...Please God....
dfkajlfkjalk;fjlaksdj;ldfkg;lfkg;lklkdjflkajdf
Just make it go away, please.....
Jess
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2004 3 August :: 11.48pm
:: Mood: overwhelemd
:: Music: SheDaisy-Come Home Soon
I really don't know how I feel. It's just all a big mess. Most of my family is staying over night with my Grandpa..but I'm home, tomorrow I have to watch Paige again, and maybe I'll get to go see him. How pathetic is it that I just don't want to see him...i don't want to see him like that, remember him like *this* I just don't...*sigh* I just don't know what I should be thinking, feeling...I just don't know any fucking thing....
Today when I was watching Paige Jess came and saw me, and it was really the only comfort I knew all day.
I just need to hold on to someone, hug someone, a kiss on the forehead, someone to re-assure me that everything's going to be ok, someone to just hold my hand through everything..I don't want anything with strings attached...because I just don't have time to worry about that, just someone to be there...a good friend. No attachments.
Jeff's going to come over tomorrow, so that'll make things better.
I'm trying so incrediably hard to bear it all, just take it in, stay strong, for everyone else, I just get home and break down alone anyway..so what's the point
*sigh*
God please, I pray.
Jess
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glitterkisses
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2004 3 August :: 6.34pm
:: Music: Michelle Branch-Goodbye to you
*sigh*
I just don't fucking know...anything anymore.
Thanx for coming over Shannon.
Jess is on her way over, thank God.
*sigh*
3 do you.♥ |
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2004 3 August :: 10.28am
:: Mood: shitty
:: Music: Martina McBride-How far
My day couldn't possiably get any worse and it's only fucking morning.
Last night my Grandpa called and said he is getting his lung removed today. His surgrey is at 2, but he has to be there at 11. So everyone in my family is going with him. Aunts, Uncles, Mom's, Dad's, Sister, Sister's boyfriend, everyone but me. I have to stay and watch Paige. Don't get me wrong, I love her, she's the cuttiest little cousin I've ever had..and I would love to watch her anytime..but while my Grandpa could be dieing, while I could never see him again, I wont' be there to even tell him how much I love him, how thankful and greatful I am for everything he did for us when I was little, for just being my Grandpa..who has been next door my whole life... Before he leaves today..I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just so..overwhelemd. I don't know what to say to him because if it's too much I don't want to make him nervous that something might happen during, and if I don't say anything at all...then if something does happen, then im fucked.
Just fucking shoot me. Nobody understands...not even myself, and as much as I want to say I'm ok, and I'm accepting everything, I'm not either of those things. I'm not able to just be ok with the fact that ..there's is NOTHING I can do to help. Not even with words, or hugs, there is nothing that fucking helps.
I took off work today, great....see how that'll go. GAWD JUST FUCKING sadkfjaslkfjal;skfj;alksfjaksjdflkasjdf;lasjdf
askdfjalskjf;laksjdflk;asjdf
I have to go babysit Paige but I'd really love if you stopped by anyone, so I had something to take my mind off of everything going on. So I'm not fucking going insane ..I'll be babysitting alone all day and night. Who knows till when, so feel free to come over.
*sigh* praying isn't doing me any fucking good.
5 do you.♥ |
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2004 1 August :: 11.07pm
Why do you drive me so crazy when I just look at you? When all I want to do is just lol...sadly...jump on you! Ah *giggles* you are one crazy boy I tell you!
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2004 1 August :: 10.31pm
:: Mood: refreshed
:: Music: Michelle Branch-Goodbye to you
I went to Jenna's last night. We weren't going to hang out, but I decided to show up anyway....;) lol *evil grin*..if only ..Yeah we hand a lot of fun. We ate pizza then went into town looking for movies. Lol and pulled up right to who? Yes, them. All three of us , me jenna and Kourt gave them the dirtiest look and put it back in drive, and pulled in somewhere else. Lol I dunno, it was hilarous. Then stopped by Sarah's and saw Matt and Langdon then went back to Jenna's and we watched Joy Ride, got all scared and giddy and went out in the camper and talked all night. I mean it was *so* late when we decided we were yawning more than we could finish our sentences so we decided to go to bed. I love you Jenna! SOOO much, for listening and understanding. *hugs jenna*
We woke up at like 11 something, went ate breakfast and Kourt wanted to go to the mall, so we got ready in like 5 seconds lol and went to my house, got my paycheck and then went to family fare. Yeah, they won't cash your check unless you have a liscense or a michigan state id. Which I don't! I only have my School Id, and birth certificate and Social Security card. WHICH YOU THINK WOULD BE ENOUGH! you know since, I look exactlly like the girl in the picture, I mean goodlord! And Kourt didn't have her liscense obviously..so we had to go to D and W where we would go inside try to do it, and they wouldn't either, then we'd go back to the car, think of some way to get them to cash it go back inside, then back out to the car. Then we went back to jenna's to get Kourt's drivers permit number because then they cashed that, but not at family fare because the farm owes them moeny, so we met my parents at D and W and then they cashed Kourt's paycheck, and my parents gave me 100 bucks. So we get drinks from Starbucks and then head to the mall lol finally like seven hours later! lol we were getting soooo mad and frustrated. Then we were just giddy and wanted to shop.
Got to the mall, looked around, Jenna got the cutest little pink poka dot pj's aww they were cute and I got stuff from American Eagle and that's it. It was fun.
Then we went to BK got some food and we all ate and talked. Then we decided to go see Jess at Arby's . lol good times.
Then I got home and I was gonna have Dan over and we were gonna go get ice cream..but that didn't work out the way I had planned. Oh well.
Work tomorrow *sigh* I don't wanna go. I'm sick of the farm, but I do want the moeny. So whatever. It's good pay, I'll get over it. Me and mom are going tanning then shopping tomorrow after work yay! Shopping two days in a row. Woo.
No one could have helped more than Jenna :) thanks babe
night, lov ya
Jess
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2004 31 July :: 3.28pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: Maroon 5-She will be loved
Work was so good today. :) I had such a good day. I was on Jeff's crew. Me, Jess, Danielle, Adrian, Denee, and Rachele. It was so much fun! Lol I was sitting up on the bars, and lol the tractor switched gears and took off and lol I went flying right off the back lol but landed on my feet. hehe "you looked like a little shuttle" lol good times, and we got to go home earlie.
I miss you.
Paycheck wasn't too shabby, few hundred dollars. :) *smiles* time to go shoppin!! :)
I need to go shower so I don't smell like corn. heh
Jess
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2004 31 July :: 7.07am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Martina McBride-How Far
What was I really expecting ??
At the moment I'm a raging bitch. Yesterday was a fucking terriable day. My Grandpa, Jenna was upset w/ me, complete and total understanding, but it still sucked. Brianna pisses me way the fuck offf, that stupid little boy calling Jess names, my bitchy mother, couldn't go to the movies with Justin, and to top it off Dan and I didn't exactlly have such a "pleasent" conversation last night when he called.
Yeah sure, after I fall head over heals for you, and pretty much get the picture when you can't pick up a damn phone and call me for a week when I use to talk to you every day and night. Hmm...make ya wonder doesn't it? Then I figure, a friendship is still worth a shot even though I was furious, sad, upset, incrediably hurt, I *NEVER* once said anything to you about how I really felt. I never really got a honest, sincere apology, or explanation. Not once, what was I really so terriable that I didn't at least deserve the truth? Because I would have been okay with that. Not you throwing the topic of hand aside, like it wouldn't bother me, never fully fledge , simply talking about it. Is that too difficult to handle? Let me think...no! It's not, not at all. I'm an understanding person. I wouldn't of hated you, disapoined yes, but still would have cared and wanted to saty close like we were. ughhh So I call you because when we talked easlier I told you how upset I was, what a bad mood I was in. to not call me then, but later when I wasn't so upset. Which is another thing I hate, I hate when you say you're going to call and you don't. I hate it!! fyi. So just either do it, or dont call me your going to. It's nice to just have you call and say hi, rahter than have a friend not call at all.
So I call you last night to talk, vent, to one of my *best* friends which I do believe you said, "vent away" correct? So I did because I thought that hmm..it's Dan...he cares about me, he knows I'm having a rough day and I'm sure he won't mind listening to me vent for one night. Boy, was I wrong. Instead I ended up getting more frustrated and upset with even more to vent about. I just ended up getting off the phone trying to call Jess, then just crying and went to bed thinking, great I get to wake up in five fucking hours to go fucking pick corn, JUST PEACHY! A phone call to talk ended up being a really shitty idea.
I'm sorry.
and I'm sure you'll read this and nothing will come of it, but possiably making us go on not talking even longer. Just great, ughh.
I'm sick of people, people's bull shit, everyone's drama, people lying, trying to impess each other, IM SICK EVERYTHING, I just want to scream!!
Not to be all dramatic and pittied upon but I'm watching my Grandpa die, every single fuckind day, and it's tearing me and my family apart. I just don't even want to go home anymore becuase I know exactlly what to expect. The fighting, the arguing, quiet time, the pretending everything is fine or will get better when we all know it's only going to get worse, much worse. I can't handle anymore.
'
Let alone tolerating people's bull shit?!? I don't think so. How I ever did before, I don't knowm maybe b/c I didn't have anything serious to point out how fucking stupid all this bullshit really it, but now that I do, don't expect anything less than me ignoring stupid, UN-IMPORTANT bull shit anymore, because I won't. I don't have time for it, nor the tolerance. When did everyone in high school turn into such sleezy, selfish, perverted, lieing, rude, in-considerate, dis-honest, un trustworthy, bitchy, fake, assholes and bitches, WHEN!?!?! *SCREAMS*
All I needed was a good friend, a good talk, a hug, a kiss on the forhead, maybe time away from the house and work, something to assure me that things won't always be the way they are. Some fucking hope. That's all I was aksing was I really asking too much of you?!?! was I!?! God...I am so sorry..
I pray to you God, don't fail me now. As much as I hate what choose to make me deal with and handle. I know there's *some* reason for it, alothough they are never apparent. I pray you give me strength to last, keep holding me head up, not showing what will only bring me down, most of all...I pray you give me the strength to keep my faith..because I'm definatly losing it.
You never let me down, please don't do it now.
Jess
4 do you.♥ |
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2004 30 July :: 9.21pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: Maria Mena-You're the only one
I'm in a MUCH better mood. Jenna made it all better :) *smiles at Jenna* tomorrow I have to work then me and jess are going to Jenna's and we are going to rent movies and pig out in her camper and have a girls night! I'm so happy, I haven't done a girls night in a long time. It will take my mind off a lot! Yay! This shall be fun!!!
Jess
6 do you.♥ |
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2004 30 July :: 7.47pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional
I can't stop listening to this song....
Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated
{Chorus}
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isoloated, so motivated
I am certain now that
{Chorus}
So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
{Chorus}
Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...
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2004 30 July :: 6.10pm
You are a stupid stupid asshole! I hate you for every reason in the world!!! JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! GET OUT MY THOUGHTS, MY MIND, MY LIFE! I hate you soooooooo much. You are not worth hating , but i sure would love to just hit you in the face tomorrow
I would never do that to you. You've become such a good friend. I wish you would just trust me a little more, I wouldn't ever
do that to you. No matter what he says, or makes you think. I mean..come on...you know I love you, and how often do I lie to
you or make excuses..compared to him?? I don't! Ughh you should know you can trust me more!
I just want to scream and cry and hit someone, today has been such a shitty day. Thank you very fucking much!
Jess
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2004 30 July :: 5.41pm
I'm going to fucking go insane any second now!
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2004 30 July :: 4.47pm
NO FUCKING WONDER WHY EVERYONE IVE PRETTY MUCH TALKED TO THINKS YOUR A STUPID LITTLE FAKE BITCH AND A HALF!!!
NO WONDER BECAUSE YOU FUCKING ARE BOTH OF THEM!!!
GRRRRR I CANNOT STAND YOU!!!!
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