The most important thing you can learn is just to love and be loved in return
well......today was one of thsoe days that was very mondayish, even for an already well established monday. it represents a month of general not cool status in my life, so thats always fun.
traffic was light, so that was good, but had a chem test, so that wasn't so good. overall fairly easy, but still distinctly ungood. couple other classes, then tried out for wheel of fortune. i was one of the people called up for the second round. all the other rounds took a while to get their words........you know, everyone had a chance for maybe, 3 letters or so. except for my round. the fourth guy out of five people guessed it before it went around once. i mean.....other rounds were like "dude ranch dressing" and took a while....but no, i get stuck with "baby shower" i guessed the s, the guy before me the h, the guy after, the r, and the fourth guy the b. which made it easy. that and i'm not really the tv look, so i doubt i'll get on. but hey, i tried.

it rained a lot, that was a bummer too. made driving fun, esp when i almost crashed on boquet. darn jeep and its ability to hydroplane. at least business seems to be picking up....its looking like i've gotten one old tutoree from last semister back, and i've got a call about someone else thats interested, so this'll get me up to......8 or 9 hours a week, so thats almost 200 a week i'll be making. hours kill me still with school, but its more money, and thats always helpful. or at least, could always be helpful in the future if i'm lucky.

today did get me thinking though in all my time out driving. i've still been trying to fully comprehend a lot of what happened between sam and i. like, just, the other things that could have been playing a part in it.
its been feeling, for one thing, like she doesn't want to acknowledge taht i still have feelings for her, very strong feelings for her. thats just been confusing since, i mean, she knows how strongly i felt, and that i can't just then suddenly let go of all that, but its sort of whats been expected. i mean, i suppose i could speculate a bunch on if thats good or bad or what, but thats not going to get me anywhere.
the other thing is, i was thinking about how much i had been ready to do, and i was realising.......i had in essence told her that i was ready to give up all my friends to be with her. well, not give up give up......but that i'd leave a group of people i've called my friends to travel 7500 miles across the pacific, where the people i've met can be counted on one, maybe two hands, just so that i could be with her. that got me thinking about what has been going on with her the last few weeks or months.....shes been developing more friends there, and wanting to do things with them. and i mean, in that sense, i can't begin to describe how happy i am about that part, that shes getting out more, in general, and she feels she belongs somewhere, finally. but then, i realised how the nature of our relationship came into play. it really had been a daily thing. not that i think either of us directly needed it to be, just that we were both always online a lot prior. then she started wanting to go places, do things, and it was a postive thing for her, after all her time not feeling comfortable with anything like that.
i think she felt, at that point, that our relationship required her to be online daily....when it was never something i would've required of her, and i think i would've liked a restructuring of it as well, really. more phones but spaced out, or something of that nature. so then, i think i inadvertantly began to put her in a situation that i never dreamed that she'd be in, that she was stuck with either doing what she felt our relationship required, which was just be online all the time, or she could do offline things with her friends there. its like, she ended up in a position having to choose between friends there, and me not there, and she chose the option that meant more direct interaction with people. a healthier option, at the minimum for time being, and definitly a new direction for her, but its mroe that its a decision that i really hadn't realised had begun to come up for her.
anyways....more of my attempted analyses will be showing up over coming days.

my weight is gettign to me now, i'm below 170, the lightest i've been in years.....i know i've lost bulk just since at this point nothing i own fits anymore, but yet, i still feel as fat as i always have, just as visually unappealing as i always have, just i don't feel different. i don't feel like i weigh less. if anything, i nearly feel fatter. its a strange way to feel.

and now for something completely different....
today is the primaries for california, and i feel it is my duty to remind those voters that read this....like two people......about the propositions. remember, 55-no 56-no 57-yes 58-yes.
go out there and make me proud.

and finally, i've chosen to announce that i will be establishing a web page over the coming week or so. much of my poetry, some of my photography will be included, and i've decided to open the floor to suggestions at other things to incorporate. so post away, people!

come what may, i'll love you til my dying day
Lets see whats new.....went to hollywood with kristal to get hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, which i successfully have done. of course, my dvd player doesn't work, so its not terribly helpful, but at least its been tracked down against all odds.
mike: 1 life: 8798
and of course, the drive, even though i got lost on the way there and the way back, proved to be at least somewhat theraputic talking with kristal......both the discussion that was like, general discussion, and the discussion about where i am with things now. i've been very lucky that there was someone willing to sort of fill in the role of having to listen to me vent about all this..... i'd hate to be going through this having no one to talk to, and as things started to happen, it was looking very much like that i wouldn't have anyone i could actually talk about it with, and that would just be dangerous with me....or rather, dangerous with my past habits. if it wasn't memories from back when i was so self-abusive....or rather, memories of why i stopped and for who, i probably would've been back to that already and very intensly.

today had two important marks......its the first time that i've actually chosen to eat a meal in weeks and not then felt horribly sick immediately after, which seemed to be progressive, but then again, today also marked the day that i've dropped below 170 pounds. this from a starting point that is estimated to have been anywhere from 185 to 200 only a month ago. i'm not sure it'll stop for a while yet, since i'm still having trouble with eating in general.

the mornings are getting more difficult. i've never been a morning person.....and so its always been difficult to wake up early. but at least in the past, i knew where i was heading, and why i was going through everything i was going through, i had goals set, and was doing my best to work towards them. they've since disappeared......and i really don't know what it is i'm trying to achieve anymore, and that makes it so much harder to try to keep going forward and keep trying.

one upside of late is that i've gotten a lot of my feelings sorted out......which at least means that i understand myself much better, as well as what i feel and why, and what it is i want or need in my life. it doesn't really lead to anything progressive, but i feel better having it sorted out at least, and its stopped me from doing too much that would count as stupid here.

i think, the one thing thats becoming most difficult, though, is all the social life stuff. its just been changing in ways that i sorta can't help but feel uncomfortable with. its just....even though i like hanging out with people in person and all, theres something else thats of a different nature that exists in being able to talk with people online, esp since i spend so much time on the comp since i'm home so much. its not better than in person stuff, and under some circumstances, online stuff is detestable in comparison, but with being home a lot, i want that sort of online thing that i used to have. i'm already down, more or less, the person that i talked to most online for various reasons, and add to that that of the other people i talk to, they're either online less, or rarely online in the first place, theres rarely someone around online to talk to now. and it always seems to just magnify the times when i just feel so sorta alone and all. like i'd said so long ago to someone special......in many ways my lifeline still is the cord in the back of the comp that connects me to the internet. especially since it was both what helped me through tough times in the past, and helped me have my most rewarding experiences. its like, even though for so long, that was the one thing that didn't turn my back on me, its done so now with everything else.
its just not the same to go from what i had, say, three months ago to now. i used to be able to just be online, talk with friends, and with someone i love, when i was home and not much else was going on and i could really relax, and feel comfortable. now, no one is hardly ever on, and even when people are, everyone is either busy or something, or just not really feeling like talking to me. its like i'm suddenly left in the dark with whats going on with everyone, and i don't feel like i've the energy to always find out. i guess its in large part my paranoia thats resurfaced in the last month, but i just feel like i'm being left behind in general. i guess thats what happens when something one believes in a lot fails to hold up as much as one has hoped and thought it would.

i guess.....the one thing with all this that i can still look at and be greatful is that, for all thats happened, shes at least not yet cut her ties with me altogether. i fear i'll not hear much from her, especially as time goes by and she goes on with her life, even less than i hear from her now, but at least there is some connection still, and i'm thankful for that. i just hope that maybe, maybe, that will hold out, and that the last of my fears won't be confirmed by her deciding it best to stop talking with me. part of it is irrationality, but another part does remember back to the last time she went through what was her maturing and taking a step with her life, and how she did decide to just step away and not return to where shed spent that period of her life, and i don't want to go the same way as that. its nervewracking, waiting like this to figure out if the other shoe is going to drop or not.

tomorrow at least should be interesting, or at least interesting enough to get my mind off of how i've been feeling for a little while. theres some sort of wheel of fortune thing at csun tomorrow, so it seems worthwhile, esp as i think i could manage to get on it, if lucky. at the least, its worth a shot.
thats what i've come to realise......no matter the situation, no matter how hopeless things may be, they always are worth that shot, its always worth trying, because nothing has ever come from not trying. i've fought against seemingly impossible odds so many times that i've begun to learn that giving up isn't an option for me just because something is a long shot. as a taurus, i'm supposed to be stubborn, and stubborn i will be when i believe in something. i can't turn my back on things that i feel confidant in, and i will fight it to the end if need be. i did it when i played tennis even though doctors had said i shouldn't run because of my feet, i did it when i joined a speech team and had a stutter, when i joined journalism and had a rep for not being able to write really, and i will do it again and again, no matter how many times it seems like i will fail.
because i i will fail, i will go up against odds that seem like they can't be defeated, and lose against them, but at least know that i tried, that i fought for something i believed in and that i had faith in my decisions and confidence enough to try to carry them out. the only true failure i could make now is to give up on that which i believe in, because if i do that, then i truely will have nothing left.

stupidity and me
all day today, and last night as well, i've been asking myself over and over how i could have been so stupid. how it is i could've realised so much and yet with just a few words from her, ignored it all. how could i have been so foolish and so stupid as to believe that she was still in love with me?
i mean, things were so obvious, and yet, i wouldn't let myself see it, wouldn't let myself admit that she'd already changed her mind.

i guess it comes down to my own feelings as well......when one believes in something so much, one ignores what else can happen. for 2 and a half years i worried about when the day would come that she would choose someone else over me, be it for proximity, or just someone better. as time went on, i began to feel more and more like that wouldn't happen as i was told it wouldn't more and more. by the time i had realised that i was very close to being there on a perminent or semi-perminent status, i thought i'd finally won, that i didn't have to worry about that anymore. and yet, now, i see how wrong i was.
i loved her so deeply, and still do. i was looking forward to, above any possible regrets, essentially giving up my entire life thus far so that i could be with her and build a future with her. the thought constantly scared me, but i always felt it would be worth it, just as the most painful relationship i could immagine was going to be, i always felt, worth it. a day didn't go by that i didn't think of how i was one day closer to finally having my life the way i wanted it to be. i knew i could've, theoretically, asked her to marry me and not have had a single ounce of reservation about it in my body. i even knew, had it ever come to it, that i would do anything for her, short of killing and that all. heck, i'd have died for her. thats how committed i had felt to her, and to what i had perceived as 'us'.
all those emotions blocked me from seeing what was going on. for months i was replaced with another guy, the amount increasing day by day, but i always refused to see it. maybe she did too. maybe thats why when i asked, she told me that not only was he not interested in her, but she wasn't interested in him, and i didn't need to worry about it. but i still should have seen it all as it happened. as she told me how he was more interesting than me, as i watched her flirt with him in messageboards, as she described him as just like me, but closer, as she got jealous of other girls that got attention from him. i should have seen that all coming, but i didn't.
what do you do when you love someone so much that thinking about them almost brings tears? when you know that you'd do anything to win them back but also that theres nothing you can do to do that? for a brief time, it felt like the puzzle that was my life was complete, i knew where i was going, what i wanted, and who i wanted it with. things were finally fitting together, and where the problems were, i fixed them. i tried to keep her happy and give her hope, i worked hard as i could with school so that i could get it done sooner, and have the flexibility to study abroad there or outright transfer there. i got a job so that i could save up and pay for everything i could during her stay here and then later my trips there.
i want to let go, and i can't. the feelings are just too strong to deal with like that. she made me feel more wonderful than i thought possible, let alone more than i thought i'd ever feel. at a time where i had accepted that i'd never really have any relationships, i had to find someone that seemed so perfect, that i fell in love with so deeply.
she brought out sides of me that i was glad to see, sides that i didn't even know existed.
3 years ago, i never would have guessed the things i'd be capable of......not being suicidal, not being self-destructive, writing love sonnets, happy, affectinite, easy going, feeling like i belonged somewhere, feeling like i had a plan, feeling loved.

i keep telling myself that what she's doing now is for her best, and that i should be happy for her. after all, that is what i've wanted all along, was for her to be happy, it just hurts now that thats not going to be through me that she feels that. its the sort of thing that one would think my brain at least would be on the right side......but my heart just keeps longing her while my brain just keeps reminding me of how close it came, and reminding me why i love her as much as i did, and still do.
whats more, i know its wrong of me to wait, hoping that she'll one day change her mind, wronger still to hope that her times ahead might be rough, but i can't help it. and i despise myself for it. for being selfish, for thinking that i could or should have her to myself. i guess, the most i can in honesty ever hope for is that somehow, i get her back.

i've had so much advice from so many different places about this....from when it started off and she just was considering breaking up, to when she broke up with me, to when she decided to enter another relationship, all in a time span of three weeks. some just wished me luck, or said they were sorry. some told me to give her the time and room she needed, and that i might be lucky. some said that hoping for her again was pointless and it would never happen. some said that i should just take care of myself, and not worry about her. so much advice, and yet, i can't get past it all. i can't forget how or why i fell in love with her, and those reasons persist till now. it would be so much easier if it had been different, if it had been only a casual relationship, or had ended earlier before so much was planned, or if it had just become an open relationship, or if things had been discussed first.
i just can't help but feel that its something worth fighting for. i was told that fighting till the end is noble, while fighting after you've lost is just futile. but i can't help what i am. i've fought the futile fight many times before. i've lost, many times before. from that, i've seen my longest friendship destroyed. now, through the same tactics, the same mindset and attitude, the same determination, i seem to have lost the person that i cared about most, that i had done my best to dedicate my efforts to making her happy.
i want to seperate myself from how i felt in the past, but i can't. its like i'm trapped in my own emotions, and i can't free myself of them. and all because i was too foolish to see that months ago, i had already lost. i fought the windmill, and the windmill won.