Us
This is hard. At the moment i dont see it getting any better as soon as i need. I know i should be at him now but i feel so horrible and mam wold winge an winge on and basicly not let me. I know i shold be being as sympathetic as i can but im finding it hard, im still soooo angry at him about friday and how he was acting after mike came round and im fucking fed up and stressed to fuck and its hard to have empathy for some one putting giult trips on you constantly. I know these are petty stupid dick head resons but, i geus im a petty stupid dick head.
so far in this 'new and improved realtionship' the lows have faarr out weighed the highs. i was thinking today (which scared me a little) is it worth it?
Gah, ill feel differant in the morning.

Sick of being poorly sick.
*winge winge winge*. Yes i realise thats all im doing at the moment. Because im frustrated with being poorly sick and bored of having no energy, feeling like plop and having to stay in bed all day. i think as soon as im betterer i shall have to have me an adventure. Umm, a cheap adventure.
Bah, i need new clothes, i feel so scruffy!! ARGH. I hate when black things turn that not-so-black-anymore colour. And i need a belt. I think ill have a shopping adventure to leeds, with mammys monies of course.
Its grandmas birthday the day after mikes, heh just realised that.
proberbly not gona be able to see damian this weekend either, mam being a mongpie, but i kinda agree with her. The doctors today nackerd me out and all i did was nothing. Im gonna get shouted at when i tell him.

shitheads
Im not in the best of moods today. My throat has gotten worse. Swolen up really baddly, off to the doctors tomorow. Gonna get put on anti biotics which means pill go byebye which means i have a fun rest of the month of damian bitching about having to use condoms. Fuckingargh.
I get monies today. I can bet that it'll all be gone by next week. (50 quid. ten to mam for the stuff i gave damian, ten in the bank. 30 quid. probs about 10 as i will buy fags and what not, leaving me with 20 quid to buy ellen some fags as i nicked her 20 pack and buy mike a birthday present as i promised.) i cant take the job as im too fucked for time with college at the moment (exams start soon woopdefucking doo!) and i need bus fairs to see damian all month. so basicly im fucked.
Im such a bitch when im ill i have time for no one. Ive been a bitch to damian lots, but the whole relationship at the moment is shite. Well not shite, just hard. There is the difficulty of him living so far away which puts a financial strain on both of us (me mostly as he has no money full stop.), where he is living is making him stressed out which is making me stressed out (which i have no right to bitch about i know but tis argh), and then theres the whole jelousy/misstrust thing. He promised me when we got back together that he wouldnt get jelous/paranoid, he says he cant help it and i know im being a cockface bitching about it but argh, friday, and the way he was when i rang him after mike came over. he says he trusts me but not them but if he actualy did trust me then wouldnt he trust me to do the right thing if either martin or mike whoever(not that they would becase theyre them) did put me in that situation. all that says to me is that he thinks im too much of a slapper to say 'no'. were going too quickly, were more or less back to where we were before.
Martin has made no contact whatsoever, so either hes lost his job and so has no money on his phone or hes not speaking to me. Quite upset about it actualy. I like hanging out with him and sending eachother random as fuck texts. Ill get some money on my phone tomorow (fuck ellen and her cigs mike can just have a shit pressie) and text him see how he is and whats going on and stuff.
Mike came round the other day, he managed to cheer me up considerably, he bought me ben n jerrys cause of my throat, and a cream egg. Hes a sweetie. we sat and watched shit on tv and had a bitch about shitness of bands and stuff, twas fun indeed. Ill be sad when he moves away, but he says he'll pay for me a train ticket to come see him once a month, ill mother fucking hold him to that(but ill see what damian says about that).
right ho - im off lucy needs sortin. garath is a dick head. and i need 60 million pain killers before i can get any sleep tonight

Icky phone call.
Today was all sunny, twas lurvely.
Yesterday however i was on the phone to damian. Why are we both so moody at the moment. It frightens me when we fight. Ick i hate his mood swings. Gonna ring him soon. Mike coming over at 5 ish

I love this.
Everything is wonderful. No it really is, I really could not be happyer.
I have my lovely Damian, who i am so very in love with. I went to see him in eston yesterday (its a long way away but ah well adventures are fun), he makes me smile so much. Its differant to last time. I was on the loo and heard him say in the other room 'i trust her but i dont trust you' and i was like .... wow. He trusts me, it means so much more than i ever thought it would. ^_^ alls i wanted to do was cuddle him. I love him sooo much, I look forward to coming home from college and phoning him everyday. Hee.
I have my wonderful friends too. Stace and the wife. I love them too. I just made stace 'a very stakie cd' to cheer her up cause shes a bit down in the dumps because of brude at the moment. I decorated all the front cover too ^_^ . and im still friends with mike and martin (which means alot that damian trusts me to have them over n stuff. phwar loves him). And i love jam lots at them moment too. Lucy too. heh.
Parents, theyre being normal! wooot. Every one is getting on really good.
College, fuck loads pressure with media (actualy cried over it last night) but im working fucking hard and im getting good grades so really its all gravy.
Last trashed ever tomorow. ahhhw. Ive been thinking about all the stuff thats happned there over the years that ive been going there. I first went on 23rd of september in 2001. AGES ago. Ill miss it me.

distant people are mother fuckers.
Two of my good friends seem really distant. Mike and Wifey. Not so much mike, I geus I just havent had chance to talk to him much with all his net stuff. Ah well.
Emmas spending less and less time with us in the 'anti-social area'. Meh, some one toldher i was back with our damo and she came up to me and said 'i didnt even know yous were talkign again'. Were just out of touch, shall make some time for the wifeling.
Damian is coming over tomorow, yey, i have the day off college aswell so i can spend most of the day with him. Wee.
Ahhw martins such a sweetie, he came round the other day when i was out and dropped some dvds off for me to watch, the ones i said i'd liek to borrow to ^_^ bless him, i think hes gonna come over later. Coolpies.

Just keep keep swimming
Way, I went back to Damian ^_^ I'm happy, hes who I feel comfortable/safe/in love with. Hehe. Didnt go to the arena last night, stayed in with Damian and got wazed with people. I still didnt stay awake for the whole thing though (lil too wazed for that me thinks), Damian put me to bed abot a hour after everyone got back and lied down with me till I fell asleap which I thought was very sweet of him. Twas otay though cause I woke up early and couldnt get back to sleeps (Damian snores very loudly and gorrilla like when titted), so I went to find fun in the tent and had spliffs for breakfast. Went back to sleep after that like.
Im glad im back with Damian. Ive been all smiley today heh. (heh he looks luvly in a suit).
Dont know why but im dreading telling the parental unit. They took the break up worse than i did. I think i should not tell them for a while and let them get used to us spending more time together and stuff and let em figure it out a bit first.
Need to speek to mike, tell him. He was a star helping me figure out what to do. Talks very sensicaly. I hope Damian will still let him come to visit me. Same with people like martin (who I havent heard from in a couple of days o.0). Actualy im not looking forward to telling martin after his little 'i miss you' last friday. I still feel bad, so silly i know but i cant help it. Hes a legand.
College is really fucking pissing me off, sooo much work, I have less n less free time every week. Mother fuckers. Its stressing me out loads. Im thinking of dropping a subject to make it easyer to cope with. GAH.
Right, im off to eat some chicken.

Grr, stress and confused.
Kay, just got off the phone to Damian. He said it sometimes seems to him like im just using him for sex, buh? That pissed me off. Im not like that. And he should know that I think to highly of him to do that even if I was that way inclined. If i was doing that why would I be phoning him every night? Why would I be so happy just having him hold me?(but i spose he doesnt know bout that). I feel like shit again now, I hate it when he says stuff like this whole thing is fucking him up. I cant help it though im so scared of gettin hurt again, he says I wont but how do i know that all i have to go by is the last relationship, and frankly that was a bit shit. He says he'll be happy but if he wasnt happy before, how can I make him happy this time? I wish I didnt have to give an answer yet. Humm I wish we could just have something light to start with to see how things go,just like a trial relationship to see if it can work, but GAH like damian says hes a bloke of extremes its all or nothing.
He brought the issue of mike up today as well, He says he doesnt like sharing me with another bloke. I think he sees me n mike as just sex, but its not. I dont know what it is, I spose its just close friends who shag on occasion. He said if we got together Id be allowed to have him as a friend, but I dont think he could do that, he gets so jelous, and he thinks he cant trust me. *sigh*
I asked about people like martin as well, he said he wouldnt mind if i was frieds with him either, because he knows theres nothing there on my side(that impressed me actualy, much maturity and stuff), thing is there is still very mch something there on martins side so i still get the feeling that Damian wouldnt like it because he thinks im a complete untrustworthy slut. Or atleast he did when we broke up. So that leads me to the next question, why does he want me back if the last relationship made him so stressed out, paranoid and unhappy? Damian would answer, because I love you. Actualy, I didnt believe it all the way through the realstioship but im starting to now. I likes it.
When Im with him it seems soooo simple, I could just cuddle up to him and stay there forever having him hold me but when were appart again all this stuff pops into my head.
Again damian would say, well solve that and get backtogether with me, but then id be constantly scared of one of us fucking it up and getting hurt again.
Im still hurt (more than i thought) from the last time around, usualy that means im not ready for a realstionship, but because its Damian does that make it differant? URGH I dont know.
Ya know what'd be perfect, if I went upstairs and he was there in my bed and I could just get in next to him and have him hug me while im asleap. I love that the most. I want that. Im more comfortable with him than ive ever been, more safe, more protected.
But that has to compete with drunken phone calls of him telling me how much he doesnt like me, him being a complete bastard to me, compulsive lieing, him just generaly acting like a cock (esp when drunk).
Grrr. I really dont know what to do.
Im all sad again now. Ah well i get to see him tomorow ^_^ good.

White chocolate oranges.
Well at least I've not cried today, woot pies for me. Still finding it difficult to be cheerful though. Its so wierd, being sad isn't me, crying deffinately isn't me. Stupid.
Spent the whole day in bed practicaly, then watched charmed lots and now im here, I really need to find better stuff to do with my sundays. Fucking bitch of a head ache though, tis okay now im drugged up though.
I was just on the phone to Damian. He wants a answer before he gets evicted (hes probs gonna end up in eston which is fucking shit), which is fair enough. I still dont know though, still feel a bit rushed but thats proberbly me just being a cock face. I love him so much, more than he knows, more than he proberbly will every know even if we do end up together. But some stuff from when we were together still hurts (hurts less granted but still hurts) and I gues I'm still shit scared of getting fucked over. I still dont know if I can handle it. The possibility of him being in eston really doesnt help either. I s'pose theres still the issue of 'meh he'll only want me/need me till he gets sorted out'. So im scared of just being used again. But I love him and he makes me happy and he makes me laugh and he makes me feel so safe. I really dont want to sacrifice the highs to be spared the lows. But last time the lows really were lows, hurt too. nyargh.
Anyway enough about that, makes me all sad n stuff trying to decide.
Friday. Humm. Well some fucking creep isnt going to have kids anytime soon/if ever. But I wont write about that, because I'm not going to let myself think about that. Much easyer. My fault anyway.
Me and martig made up ^_^ wee. Im so relieved. He was out on friday (he fell off his board and had a concusion heh so he couldnt go to work). He walked past in the acklam and stuck his tongue out just like normal and i was all YEY ^_^ and called me over and gave me a biiiig hug adn said im sorry for that txt, i was just a bit pissed off and then i appologised for being an incosiderate bitch/tart on wheels. and then everything was ok. He bought me a tripple jd and cock in the arena too and fed me ciggs ^_^ such a sweetie. Gah but at the end of the night i saw him outside and we stood and just hugged for aagggeess (i didnt mean it to be anything, twas just I was extremely scared/upset/pissed off and needed some one, its ok I think he knew it didnt mean anything) yeah but anyway when i had to go to frogs he looked at me and said 'i really miss you'. GAH. So yeah i feel shit about that, hes such a sweeite, complete heart of gold but i dont see him as more than a friend. Im such a shit face.
Frog surprised me he asked me whats wrong (heh wouldnt take nothing for an answer apparently), i though i was doing the 'im all happy ^_^ wee' thing but obviously thats a bit shit, surprised me that did. Oh well frogs a legand. *thumbs up for frog*
Gah lucy, im worried about this garrath character, he sounded so perfect, kinda too perfect. He rang her in the arena insisting she went to his an fucked him (she said no go lucy) now I know I dont know him as well as she does but ... gah he makes her sooo happy. Shes a bit upset at the reputation shes getting at Damians. Bless her she still fancies the arse off frog. She was very good on friday I went to her when I was nyargh and she made me feel moderately protected well her and sarah really. 10 stars for both.
Mike, I was speaking to him yesterday, I dont know what to do about him. I can feel myself getting more and more attatched to him. Im thinking I might have to just end it, I cant get close to some one and then have them go away. Stupid him moving.
Mams getting to me, more than usualy. Shes on a 'lets tell sally shes a bitch/slut/how fucking fat/unpretty she is and ooof lets turn ellen against her too' thing. Love you too mam.
Im thinking of getting a side fringe put in, gonna go upstairs now and play about with my hair and decide. heh.
Another long entry, sorry to anyone daft enough to read this thing.

All sad and stuff (again)
I dont even know why i'm crying. Maybe its just everything. Gah smudged make up and puffy eyes, so attractive. I want a hug.

back to normal now wwaayy
Today was much funner, and i was in abetter mood.
I got to have sexings with stakie and the wife. which was nice lol bless em.
i got to insult loydy after he randomly groped my boobs *shakes fist in angry manor*. hes soooo slimey.
Me and lini and stacey and the wife (bruce was there too but he didnt join in) all counted up the people who we'd kissed. My god, i didnt realise how many people there actualy was, i coldnt remember half their names. grrr me bringing vodka out with me. I got reminded of a faw too ewww. brian. eeewww reece eewwww. scott eewww. heh i totaly forget about them. that got us thinking about the good ol days heh. Put me in an uber good mood ^_^
Poor bruce. hes such a virgin ahaha. he acutaly asked the question 'from a girls pov what makes a good kisser?' bless him, hes good people.
heh me and jam were playing with toy cars today too, so ghey but twas fun.
gonna ring our damo in a bit. wayy.

i feel blue =(
Second day ina row that ive felt like shit. I didnt even realise untill i got into college and lucy was all happy and stuff and bouncing around and being all funny and i would ormaly join in and have fun but i was just like .... yeah, i cant be bothered with this and ICK.
Its good that lucys feeling better anyway, something to do with garath.
Martin came into college today to go play pool with lucy argh. he totaly blanked me. i feel like such an argh bitch. me and lucy and lini and stakie were talking about it and lii said 'oh its ok youve only broken his heart' jokingly and lucy nodded and said 'you know i wouldnt be surprised' at this point my head exploded. she went on 'you'll never know how much he liked you and for how long' at this point the little bits of my head all exploded again. ahhw i feel bad, i didnt mean to hurt his feelings.
i was just on the phone to damian, but not for long as he was off out =( ... ive just realised how much i didnt want him to hang up. I wish i went to see him today, but i has to watch kashmir, then i was feeling to shit to be any fun so i fucked off. I had a nice nap when i came home though.
URGHHH why do i feel so emo!? i think brude picked p on the shittyness heh, he came over and gave e a biiiiiigggg hug and told me to cheer up you misserable thing and gave me a cig heh bless.
cant wait for friday, i need to go out and get ratted and dance and forget about stuff. And i get to go back to damians again ^_^
right im gonna go in the bath and cry.

Lucy
I worry about lucy, she has sooo much stuff to deal with that she souldn't have to. Im sooo frstrated that I cant make her feel better either, I managed for a bit today by messing on a bit but it only lasted about an hour. Poor lucy, shes much loved.
A wierd thingy happned today, i was actualy alright with the way i looked. woot. it'll go back to shit again tomorow like but never mind.
Had a profile interview with glynis today, im actualy doing a hell of a lot better in college, my grades have gone up majory woot again.
Went to the dentists today aswell, im all good (surprise surprise). But i had my first ever tooth ache ever the other day but its ok cause its just a wisdom tooth coming through. Eep, that means ive stopped growing forever. This is me now, oh well.
Aint heard owt from martin yet, and he didnt come in today like he normaly does. oh well hes anoying anyway. but i still have his dvd nyargh. (oooh mam orderd bill bailey tickets today woot)
Gonna ring damian now, feel like ick at the moment. Wish some one was here, i need a hug.

Heart of Gold

knew it hehe

The kind of weekend gay lil emo kids write poetry about
I told martin that i just wanted to be friends, he seemed ok with it, well he said it was fine but then he stood and watched me all night and got angry when i was dancing with john. (Heh cass isnt angry with me anymore, she said it was the way we were dancing and the fact she was already angry with him, and she gave me a big hug and bought me a drink ^_^. ) Yeah anyways, martin got all upset because apparently i snogged john (maybe i did but i dont really remember i managed to get pissed on 2 quid). He asked lucy if john was mike, lucy said yes the daft nugget in a drunken state,she heard him wrong apaerently, so he got even more angsty. He didnt say anything though, he just sent me an upset/angry text after he'd left.
Acording to his blokey mate he really liked me. I feel like such a bitch now. Hes soooo lovely i really didnt mean to make him feel bad. Grrr. Im such a divvy, theres a sweet as fuck, rich, nice looking bloke with a car after me and i dont like him cause hes 'too nice'. Seriously, theres something wrong with me.
Yeah and anyway, i ended up back at frogs (aahhw lucy and frog ^_^ nyaahhhw, lucy likes frog quite a bit and i get the impression that he likes lucy too ahhhw) it was coool walking back in the snow, it was pretty, i walked with frog and talked about something that didnt make sense or want really all that important cause i cant remember.
It was really nice, me and damian just lied in bed and talked and huged (and shagged but who didnt see that coming really?). I ended up crying everytime the goo goo dolls - iris came on the radio. Fuck knows why i think it was the lyrics
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll
ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Bastard song! But anyway appart from the song it was amazing to go to sleep in his arms, even they are all sooty and scabby hehe. I slept blodey well as well, i think its damian smell. I just realised, i still sleep in his jumper. He asked me to come back, i dont know, he says he needs me, but what about when he doesnt need me anymore and he has everything sorted, i dont think he'll still want me. I dont want to get hurt again, thats all it comes down too. Everything ive ever felt for damian has been so intense, mind you thats me when im in love (heh typical scorpio damnit), i cant just love some one a little i have to love them sooo damn much or not at all, and i cant be a little bit angry with some one i have to be outraged, and i cant be just a little bit upset i have to be hurt. Im such a pie tard.
Thats why i cant say yes to mike either, hes moving in the summer and if we got into it i could see myself feeling somethign serious for him, i couldnt say bye with out being hurt.
I should become a big dirty dyke i really should.
Ohh along the line of boys, blokey from acklam with piercings was pretty much all over me on friday but aparently he as a girly wench. He came over to the table i was sat at with skinner and lindsey and cass and steve (hes back but its ok cause he looked after me and wasnt annoying) and nick, asked my name and said 'hope you dont mind but youre fucking gorgeous' heh. Least he was forward, i hate being dumb at boys. anyway later i was stood outside and he walked past and made a noise along the lines of 'mmmphwar', i said 'what?' and he just randomly grabbed me and hugged me and said really quietly 'im going to anoy you tonight cause im gonna be looking at you cause i think youre gorgeous' and give me a lil kiss. I told him it was perfectly fine. Heh. Bless. And he stuck to it too, every time I saw him he gave me a hug and a gradom grope 0.o. People arent supposed to do that if they have girly wench, tis only a 'might have a' girly wench but i still feel bad because of it. meh. tis all gravy.
Twas cool that stacey was out, so was holly ^_^
Mams booking a cruise, it sounds sooooo amazing. Fly from gatwick to florida, and from there cruise around the caribian and mexico ^_^. HUUUGGGEEE ship, climbing wall, shopping mall, pool, ice rink, spa, gym everything. Means i have to shop for a cocktail dress though and posh frocks, the dinner is formal most nights. yey chance to pose. Will look like shit but nver mind.
Im fucking sick of looking like shit. I never look good its fucking horrible.
Ooh on a lighter note i got my tongue done it fucking wrecked but only for a bit when it went through the top of my tongue (they do it from the bottom up). It was so cute jam brude and brudes girly wench came in with me and jam hugged me from behind and brude and his girly wench (shes great i wish i could remember her name) held my hands. Tanya pierced me, she was good. Relaxing, not sure why people say shes better than jossy though, he was good too (even though he did cop a feel before he pierced it). Ahw well. Its strange, i keep forgetting its there and thinking 'oh my god theres something in my mouth' then its like 'oh yeah' and I feel dumb. I wasnt supposed to drink or kiss on friday but oh well, it hasnt done anyharm, it hasnt swelled up either, neither did my nipple. That healed really fast. I think i pierce well. I want my nose done but i have to wait till the wife gets hers done, were gonna have a bonding experiance.
Been looking at clincal psychology, i could soooo do that for a serious job. Im not good enough though, i have the grades at gcse and will get them for a level easily if i get my predicted. But i dont think im good enough to get a phd, no way in hell. Ah well.
Heh, damian said i was catlike. How many people have said that now, im not catlike at all. Cats are supposed to be all gracefull and agile not fat arsed.
Woah a really long entry. I was doing good there too.