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2005 28 June :: 8.36pm
kelly what time are you going to be going to the movie if you tell me i can prolly go i get out of work at like 7 and then i need to shower and stuff so i would be ready to go anywhere at like 8 so if you want to go after that then i would love to go post back kelly WOOT
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2005 27 June :: 7.58pm
So the first thing i did with my open house money was go out and buy yoko a new cage. i tripled her living space bought her a new house to hide in and an excersise wheel. and some nummy little yogurt treats...sounds icky but she loves them. so shes in love with her new home and she should be its fucking huge compared to her old one. i didnt think she would get this big so obviously that little tank was not enough. she has plenty of room to run around and play and all kinds of fun stuff. shes cute. and thanks again jenny for a great new friend. well im off to go do some stuff, i figure i should give her a couple of hours to get used to her new home before i go playing with her. * looks over at yoko...then rolls eyes* shes already moving everything around....im a lousy decorator when it comes to rat homes i guess lol.
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2005 26 June :: 2.45am
:: Mood: Failed
:: Music: Dixie Chicks - Landslide
Padriac My Prince
lets say you tried so hard to fly for so long and everytime something happen like once you got your ass blasted by a plane the other the wings just didnt work, you cant get enough air. fuck any reason. wouldnt you just give up after years of repeated failure. everyday a new failure. and worse someone riding your ass about that failure or making your think something you did right was a failure. would you just give up? (too stacy: your right i need that door so fucking bad... and now im giving it my all at the expense of anything or anyone i have to...and why do you keep bailing?)
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2005 22 June :: 2.37am
:: Music: Bright Eyes - The Calender Hung Itself
WTF???
ok your going to love this one. im sitting on the couch with one leg laying down and the other stuck up so that my chin can rest on it and im watching tv. dad comes in and i dont notice him cause my hair is covering one eye and the other is watching the tv. so he moves in closer and i ignore him. then he taps me on the arm and says. "what the fuck are you doing?" i say "watching tv" he says "ok lets try again, what were you doing?" ok here i just think to myself 'o god what the fuck am i going to say no matter what this is going to end wrong' but see i really didnt understand what it was that i was doing... at all i had no fucking clue what was going on. i say "watching tv" he throws his arms up and walks over to the door then turns and says "ok what the fuck were you doing answer me!" im like "i dont understand what you are talking about all i was doing was sitting here watching tv." he says "you had your fucking arm wrapped around your leg and your head pressed against your knee, what the fuck are you doing?" ok here my brain just stopped and im thinking to myself 'wait so the way im sitting is what i was doing?' so i say "all i was doing was watching tv i dont understand whats going on what are you asking, what was i doing?" so he says "you fuck" and then slams the door. somebody want to clue me in on what just happend and or what it was that i was actually doing?
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2005 20 June :: 2.09pm
Stale Air
I love when i get to taste stale air. you just walk out there and it smells wonderful, its a true summers nights air. it just smells of summer. and then you step back and you taste the stale air in your mouth and it seeps down into your throuht and you recoil a little bit at feeling it. but after all is said and done your glad you went through it, cause now you know that everythings not bad. theres still innocence...somewhere in the world. and you know that the people walking behind you or in the seat next to you, or hangin out the window opposite of yours...they are all there tasting that stale air right with you. the rancid taste of summer. the focus on friendship, pay attention, this is where you watch them flourish or die.
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2005 19 June :: 3.52am
:: Music: Coldplay - Swallowed In The Sea
Good Morning Fine Fellows
i havent posted in forever. im sorry. i havent had much positive social interaction in the past 9 days. my chest hurts and so does my brain. alot. i miss stacy, hope you remember my name stacy. and kate and dustin and the others our there. call me you fucks. anyway to the real point of the post..
If you watched the movie Garden State, and you UNDERSTOOD and ENJOYED the absoulte beauty of the movie(meaning you got the point and smiled through most of it). comment on this post telling me if you did or didnt.
EDIT: ok someone brought it to my attention about this movie. i asked "did you like that movie?" "it was kinda boring and i didnt really understand it" "o well i loved it" (slightly whispered) "i guess you would have had to have a fucked up childhood or gone through something that terryfiing to understand and enjoy it" i just stopped and thought to myself. wow. i think that makes sense. you have to have gone through zacks life to understand the message and the simplicity of it all. the simple message is. life sucks and everything will cause you pain. but everything is beautiful as well. just enjoy life and make the kinds of decisions that make you feel good in the long run. life sucks and it hurts...alot. but i loved it and i know you understand it all.
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m&ms487
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2005 13 June :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: busy
I'm leaving Wednesday morning for my leadership camp sponsered by the Rotary (the one where i could get a $1,000 scholarship) and then I'm getting back Saturday night only to leave again Sunday morning for Girl's State at MSU. I'll be gone to that one for a week. That one might give me the chance to go to Washington D.C.
I finished my cashier training and when I get back I'm moving up to the service desk. I've been doing almost nothing for a while. I have cd's to make and piccolos to deliver, yet I find myself sitting in my room that should be condemned because of disorder.
I took my ACT saturday morning at GRCC, in an unairconditioned room. It was absolutely horrid. Finally, though after the English portion we got moved to another room that was airconditioned. It felt like heaven. I swear that room got up to over ninety because it was smaller than a normal highschool classroom and had like thirty five people in it, and no fan, in Grand Rapids. Ah, well, so in another four to seven weeks I'll get those results back. I think I did between a twenty five and a thirty, but I wouldn't really know. I got my report card. I'm up to a 3.871. It's a little less than expected, but what do I expect after getting a C in Algebra II last year? I'm still waiting for my elusive AP chem test results.
Tomorrow I have a piano lesson with Jenny. I started playing Jingle Bells with both hands Saturday. It was very exciting, yet excruciating to listen to, I'm sure. I thought perhaps, that it would fool the weather, and it would go from ninety five to fourty or twenty. Eh, I should have wished on a wishing well, too. That would have sealed the deal.
I bought Koala Yummies for my camps. They're scrumptious.
Good night.
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2005 7 June :: 11.12am
:: Music: Marching Band Show
Yesterday was really fun. Rueben and I went to see Madagascar. The little lemur thing is so cute! It makes me want to have a little lemur baby.
CUBAN PETE!
(such a band dork)
Then we went to Old Country Buffet. They have really good macaroni and cheese. Then we randomly drove places and ended up at home depot looking at paint and concrete, then to J.W. Peppers where I got Syrinx by Debussy. Now there is a solo. Then we came back to my house and got some towels and my bathing suit and went to baptist lake and went swimming. Well, I really only actually swam for about five minutes....since it did take me about twenty to finally get up the courage to take the plunge. The water was cold; or maybe I'm just a chicken.
In any case, I got Jessie her birthday present. We went to Hobby Lobby before the movie (because we went to Star). It's very cool. Of course I can't disclose what it is. It's classified information and if you knew I'd have to kill you, of course.
A few other things went quite well yesterday too.
Today I'm off to Jenny's for a piano lesson and then I'm training five to nine for a cashier. I'm moving up to the service desk, even though I'm not eighteen. The S.C.'s are throwing a fit about it, but it was the managers who are doing it, so I guess it's not that big of a deal. I'm not eighteen so I can't sell tobacco and lottery, which is about seventy five percent of the business up there, but as long as I have someone else up there with me who is over eighteen everything will be just fine.
Anyway, it'll all work out in the end, now won't it?
ACT is Saturday. I'm hoping for at least a thirty. I should be getting my AP chem test results anytime and my report card also. That reminds me, I should go check the mail.
-michelle-
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2005 5 June :: 10.45pm
:: Music: june 25th open house
june 25th open house
OPEN HOUSE JUNE 25TH BE THERE BITCHES. CAUSE ITLL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE FRIENDS WHO LOVE ME. ALL OF YOU BITCHES COME EAT MY SHITTY FREE FOOD AND TALK TO ME AND THEN HOPEFULLY ILL HAVE A BONFIRE FOR ALL OF YOU TO SIT AND SULK IN MEMORYS AND GET BIT MY SKITOS.....JUNE 25TH 2:OOPM - ????? (ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE QUESTION MARKS
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2005 5 June :: 5.19pm
i love how when i write something real, something that i feel, or something that bothers me... i get no response from my 'friends'
but the instant i post a stupid survey, i get 10 responses.
love it.
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2005 3 June :: 1.02pm
This summer is going to be unpredictable. We're already on a track that no one thought they would be on.
I love you Jessie, and I know you can get through this, however it's gonna happen. I've known you forever and I know you're strong to enough to do whatever is meant for you.
It feels like it's going to rain, but I can't tell. The forecast says no, but I have this inckling that what others feel is certain is going to change dramatically.
Sometimes even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
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2005 31 May :: 2.20am
:: Music: Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal
Bring It Back Girl
ok so shit aint all that bad for once. im going to sit dad down and talk about fine arts school. i think ive got a talent worth devolping. might as well spend the money the way you know itll be best used. ive taken up drawing. i really suck lol but i think i need to teach my self something new every chance i get. i want my brain to always be in use. im picking up my guitar and starting over with some simple death cab songs to get myself back into the feeling of bleeding finger tips. BLAH. well you gotta start somewhere (hoping someday ill get off my fatty ass and do some running or something physical dear god im wasting away) and so im off to bigger and better things than my house. i wont be missing you because youll all be coming with me. ill never leave me friends behind and ill still be seeing you every time i get the chance fuck we still have another 2 years of staying in this town together. *shakes head in disgust* the lord (if there is one) does hate me.
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2005 28 May :: 3.22pm
so i is graduated....something supposed to happen now? cause like nothings different i still have to go to work i still live at home i still have to wake up in the fall and go to school and ill still see everyone ever other day and im not an adult....ok what a waste of my fucking life. something is supposed to happen soon i think god i fucking hope so because im wasting away at how fucking annyoed i am that nothing is happening and im not feeling anything. i havent felt anything in days. like even a smile is hard to do. and i have to force myself to do the things i once loved. its like they have become a task. now there is totally something wrong there. .....ok rambling now......ARGH save me something. go to me open house and make me feel like i did something good. be proud of me for doing something common place and average. fucking everyone graduates no big deal. is that paper a reward for 13 years of servatude? so thats it im off to the real world....wait no im not. im stuck in college for four years where ill waste away and spend money on shit i dont even want to do. i really want to go to a fine arts school and develop my acting talents. thats what i want. thats what will make my life worth living. itll make me happy to wake up every day. and thats what life is supposed to be. if you want to wake up then you will put all your power into what you do and it will feel fantastic. but i cant tell dad i want to go to fine arts school cause there isnt a gaurentee that i will find a job as an actor and there is a guarentee in some other field so i should just do that and hate waking up right? god i want what i want. i mean if we are paying for it might as well make it worth something...
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2005 27 May :: 10.29am
I hate you, you're such a fucking bitch.
Leave me alone.
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2005 24 May :: 6.15pm
i dont know what to say about this. dad is just so fucking insane he is beyond stubborn he just dosent fucking listen at all. he just curses at me and hits things and screams "im still the adult and your the worthless fucking child". i cant even try reasoning with him. and fuck if logic shows up in the conversation someone fucked up. he yelled at me for my hair again today and i said "my hair is never in my eyes and it looked just fine during prom none of it was in my eyes and its not jetting out of the side of my head i dont look like a shaggy dog" i was stopped at about the end of the the first time i said eyes by "SHUT THE FUCK UP OK JUST SHUT THE HELL UP GOD DAMNIT YOUR FUCKING ASSHOLE ITS ALL ABOUT YOU RIGHT YOU ARE ALWAYS FUCKING RIGHT ARENT YOU AS LONG AS MATTHEW IS HAPPY THE FUCKING WORLD IS GOOD" i just started crying cause i cant handle the insults anymore and he says "O GREAT NOW MY PUSSY FUCKING SON IS GOING TO START CRYING. CRY SOME MORE YOU FUCKING PUSSY GOD DAMNIT I CANT FUCKING BEILIVE YOU WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GOD FUCKING DAMNIT (punches wall)" i stopped crying by force cause my fucking chest hurt so much i couldnt cry for fear id stop breathing. i start to move and he throws 20 dollars in my face and screams "CUT YOUR FUCKING HAIR SO THAT YOU DONT EMBARESS ME AT GRADUATION LIKE YOU EMBARSSED ME AT EVERYOTHER SOCIAL EVENT." i said "why do i embarres you with how i choose to wear MY hair?" he says "CAUSE PEOPLE FUCKING LOOK AT YOUR DIRTY SCARGLY ASS AND SAY 'THATS RAYS SON GOD DAMN HES A BAD FUCKING FATHER HE CANT EVEN KEEP HIS KIDS CLEAN AND IN GOOD CLOTHES'" im like "wait when did this turn into my clothes" "THATS BESIDE THE FUCKING POINT YOU LITTLE BASTARD NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP"
"im not dirty, i take a shower twice a day" "YEAH AND THATS ANOTHER REASON YOUR SO FUCKED UP YOU LITTLE BASTARD WASTE SOME MORE FUCKING SHIT YOU DONT PAY FOR" i put the money on the table and said. "im not getting my hair cut with your money cause it wont be good enough and youll yell at me all day tommrow just like you did today and yesterday and the day before" "SHUT THE FUCK UP JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE FUCK GOD DAMNIT SHUT THE FUCK UP (punches wall again)" "please stop cursing it scares me alot" "SHUT THE FUCK UP ILL CURSE ALL THE FUCK I WANT TO FUCKING CURSE IM THE ADULT YOUR THE FUCKING CHILD YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I FUCKING SAY AND FUCK YOU I CAN CURSE IF I WANT YOU PUSSY" i couldnt handle myself and this point and left the room "GET THE FUCK BACK HERE BEFORE I KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS. THATS WHAT YOU NEED IS TO GET YOUR FUCKING ASS BEAT" i turn around and said "do you hear what you say?" that was my biggest mistake right there. i mean i shouldnt have ever asked him if he hears that he calls me dirty and stupid and that his own son needs to get his ass beat? i know im not the only one who finds that really fucked up. "OOPPS SORRY I FORGOT THAT THE FUCKING WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU OF COURSE ILL SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW THAT YOUR HAPPY MATT GOOD THING YOUR FUCKING SET" i broke here finally and said "WHY DO I EMBARESS YOU? im almost an adult(got cut off here)" "YOUR NOT A FUCKING ADULT YOUR AN 17 YEAR OLD PRICK WHOSE LUCKY HE SURVIVED TO BE ALMOST 18" i wanted to say "i dont want your money for college anymore ill go live in a box and find a job i can walk to from my box until i can rent an apartment or buy a car to live in" i didnt say that though cause well i didnt want my face to look like the wall. i turned back and said "good thing we have to go to this senior thing so we can be all pissy towards eachother like we are every other night but at least tonight you can hate me in a puplic forum" "GOD DAMNIT YOU DONT LISTEN SHUT THE FUCK UP BOY GOD DAMNIT YOU MAKE ME SO FUCKING ANGRY I JUST CANT FUCKING STAND YOU JESUS FUCKING CHRIST" ok i just cant beilive whats going on here. i mean everyone thinks my dad is cool...do you see what just happend here? this happens at least 5 times a week. i really miss school cause it was another place outside of work i could go to be free of the words. god damnit i think id rather that he punch me in the face then talk to me the way he does. my chest hurts so much. i dont know if my heart can really hurt of it i just cant breath. god i have to go to this thing. *hugs self* please let me live. please. *cries*
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