tails
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2005 12 March :: 12.23am
well i am hoping i dont have to delay yokos homecoming but it looks like i might well hopefully within the next 3-4 weeks ill raise enough money for a new tank....im not putting yoko in the old fish tank its so fucking nasty man. EWWWW. well thanks to stacy. and jenni more over. welcome home soon yoko lol. you can tell im bored when i make updates like this.
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cherylee
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2005 8 March :: 9.33pm
oh please oh please...
respond.
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tails
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2005 8 March :: 6.53pm
JENNY ROCKS!!!
So anyway jenny is going to give me a pet mouse which is fucking bomb cause she is bomb and all in all we are just a big bomb collection of people who are like totally bomb!!! so WHAT SHOULD I NAME THE MOUSE??? PLEASE LEAVE YOUR SUGGESTIONS HERE
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m&ms487
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2005 2 March :: 7.59pm
:: Mood: intimidated
These next few weeks are going to be LONG.
So many things to do, so much jam packed time.
THIS WEEK:
I'm staying after school for a while tomorrow with Erin. We're going to see if we can work out our song for the talent show.
Friday I have to work 3:30-8pm
Saturday I'm going to start my English paper (yes, THIS time..).
Then I have to work from 2:30-6:30pm.
No work Sunday! Woohu!
NEXT WEEK:
Monday starts pit rehearsals everyday afterschool.
Lessons Tuesday, of course.
Friday is Band Festival at Greenville.
Saturday morning is flute choir.
WEEK AFTER:
I have Pit rehearsal Monday afterschool, and then school board meeting to attend and a paper to write for that.
Tuesday and Wednesday are dress rehearsal.
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are the SHOW.
Saturday is STATE SOLO AND ENSEMBLE.
I also have my English Paper to write, a script to write for drama, a report to do on the school board meeting I go to, AP chem calculations, random assignments to finish for "Pride and Prejudice", practice with Linda for state, practice with the quartet and Dani for state, 7 melodic minor scales to memorize, pit music to perfect, and whatever else happens to be necessary...oh, say eating, breathing, bathing, and sleeping, perhaps.
michelle
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tails
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2005 1 March :: 10.52pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Nina Hagen - 99 Red Balloons {Techno Remix}
Sitting Down After Forty Feet Of Air, Toxin, Might, and sorrow
Ok, something has happened here. I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I've gotten myself into alot of thigns and im drowning myself... I don't really know what to do to sort everything out. but i guess ill start by talking to all of you who read this waste of a journal... you might not care whats going on in my life but well i just need to sort things out and this is about the only place i feel connected to the world and the people who are in the town that causes my confusion. 1)I got into this play with expectations of a fun and wonderful time along side the ability to make people smile. I am having the hardest time learning all the dances so if i look like a douche on stage thats ok i wont fucking care. The songs are coming along ok, I'm starting to not be terrified of my own voice, or what any dumb muck things of it. The lines are coming along horrible, but thats cause im not studying like i should be. I just go out and hang with my friends even though i know i should be staying home and studying my god damn lines. SO, conclusion here to problem number one is...read the entire script at least twice every day no matter what you are doing that day. Focus harder on the dance moves, ask Mrs. Kerkofv to give me her notes on my moves. OK PROBLEM ONE SORTED OUT (wow just that much felt really fucking great). 2) Work. I can't stand my job because my manager makes me feel like a worthless peice of shit and i just take it like a little bitch cause my father raised me like that, even though deep in my heart i want to stand up to her and let her know what she does. I don't get enough hours and the time they give me always conflicts with my free time on the weekends, which is the only time i have to spend the meisly ammount of money i get. I always over spend myself and dont know how to budget my money. i either buy shit i dont need or drive all over the fucking world when i know i dont have the gas for it. SO solution to problem 2 is...get a new fucking job. when i apply for this new job make sure that i ask for a certain ammount of hours per week and at least 6.25 an hour to begin with because i will be turning 18 and 18 year olds need to make at least 6 dollars and hour i think it is. i will also make sure that on the weekends i only work morning hours so that i will have anytime after 5 pm free for spending my money and free time with the people i love that keep me alive with precious social contact. I will also start budgeting myself more and begin to realize how much i need certain things and how easy it would be to go on living without other things. 3) The Band. well this rag tag collection of pathetic people isnt producing anything but a bunch of messed up sounds that smash into one another. and i cant memorize the words to the song cause i keep mixing them all up with the music from the musical and my lines from the play and i cant stand the noise anymore. PLUS we never fucking practice cause nobody wants to practice during the weekday. and nobody is ever free on the weekends and nobody even bothers to contact one another and everyone has their own conflict about something smaller. "i dont like the name lets change it" "cant we play a different song" "can i make this part different than the orignal song". SO the way to fix problem three is...either i drop out of the band and tell them to do it themselves it shouldnt be that hard to find a better vocalist than me i mean come the fuck on dude. OR i tell them i cant do the talent show cause its too much stress on me already with everything else going on in my life and just continue playing after the musical and everything is over. 4) Dad. My father hates me 70% of the time and fucking loves me the other. i dont know how he is or what the fuck happens in his head have the time im confused. i cant say anything around him without getting yelled at. i mean my heart hurts just coming home anymore im just terrified of being yelled at or something. SO solution to problem 4... i dont fucking know someone tell me... 5) School. I really dont understand anything thats happening in chemistry. basically thats my only concern with school. chemistry is starting to scare the fuck out of me. i just cant catch on to most of the topics and shit i take notes read the chapters attempt to do the homework and still fail the tests. SO solution. get outside help stay afterschool with Mr. J also try doing extra work in the back of the book when im doing other homework and finish early. 6) My Heart. I think im starting to like someone who dosent have the ability to like me back....(same old story of everyone in the world right?) so i dont know if i should pursue it and watch what happens or just let it go and hope some one else comes around within the next 45-56 years. SO solution to this. fucking go for it i mean it can only hurt for a little while right. nothing hurts forever. 7) So Called Friends. I think ive been making friends with people im growing to hate. certain people well only 2 people i want to stop being friends with for my own personal benefit. but i dont know how to go about this. SO solution. fucking deal with them you know just let them act as if they like me and i like them then in about 50 days i graduate and they never have to see me again you know. well thanks for reading all my lifes bullshit. it felt really good to organize this all out thanks for listening even if it was with deaf ears. it still helped. have any suggestions then comment bitches lol i love you all so fucking much i really hope u know that.
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tails
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2005 28 February :: 8.05pm
:: Mood: You Know Whatever
:: Music: The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone
Dieing At 40 Ounces
So, I've noticed its really easy to say "i love you". the phrase its self is losing all meaning. i mean its become such a general term that no one gives its use a second thought you know? Its also come to my attention that if you throw it out there enough you can almost feel its true, as in i love you, i love you, i love you. that means that im forcing myself to beilive that the statement is true. and when someone says that they love you. you cant tell what they mean. your first impression is a platonic love (friendship) so you toss the thought of it right out the window and carry on with your day. but in a relationship the meaning seems to be a little stronger. if i say to your face as i hold you tightly in the cold snow and wind and say to the back of your head as we shiver together "god i love you so fucking much", then it might have some kind of affect. but usally it gets thrown away. but when people use the term like its a sheild. i dont want to be in this relationship but im desperate for a relationship so ill say "i love you" that will keep my partner here and me happy. i wont have to actually love him or her i will just have to say that everyonce in a while and as long as we dont fight we dont even have to hold hands let alone sit next to eachother. see its all ok as long as you say "i love you". so we keep saying it over and over. half the time we dont mean. and if we did then wouldnt we say something else. but as for all of you reading this i do "love you" as friends i mean i dont think i would be alive if it werent for my life support system of friends. they make me smile. and the ones that ask "whats wrong" or "why are you sad, tell me whats the matter" LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE IM NOT GOD DAMN SAD I JUST DONT WANT TO FUCKING SMILE 24 FUCKING 7 TO SHOW YOU THAT I AM HAPPY ASS HOLES!!!!!. so if im crying you can ask whats wrong. if im not...then im good. thanks anyway i like to do things i shouldnt much love.
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tails
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2005 27 February :: 9.30pm
:: Music: Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
This Is How Its Supposed To Be.
the alarm clock is going off but im not getting up, the sound of it just seeps into my dream as i slumber deep into the afternoon. My body wakes me up at half past 2 and i take a nice warm shower get dressed in my favorite shorts a nice black shirt and an over jacket/windbreaker. i go to my car open the door and smell the warm fibers on the seats and the sweet aroma of vanilla from an airfreshener in the back. I start the car, full tank of gas, turn up the music, put on my sunglasses, throw back my summer scarf, roll down every window and smell the summer breeze as it mixes with the scent coming from the back of the car and the music making the most wonderful melody of scent ever. soon enough i have a car full of friends and a tank full of gas. we just drive down the open dirt, highway, expressway roads anywhere we can just singing to a cd with nothing but songs we all know the words too. darkness comes and we stop in a cool feild to lay in the grass, faces to the stars, hearts to the wind. lieing there just existing under the black sky and the sound the crickets make feels like being drunk, or high. its such a joyus and almost fake feeling. i mean this is how its supposed to be.
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m&ms487
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2005 25 February :: 11.47am
So our band concert went okay last night. Robuck thought it was crap, the only thing i was thinking was something along the lines of getting sick on stage...i swear i had a fever, and i just didn't feel good at all.
Eh, anyway, time for lunch..no meat today, it's friday.
that's bomb.
except..
not.
michelle
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tails
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2005 22 February :: 5.40pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Jamiroquai - Canned Heat
Wow This bitch Is Illiterate
This is a letter TYPED to me and my two brothers from my mother. I typed it out here JUST like she sent it to me...commas and periods words spelled just like she had them everything exact. Enjoy HAHA.
To start out this is a letter to my three sons , james, Ryan, Matthew, they are the reason aim wring ting this . I was a very young mom and tried to do the wring things as a mother. I made some very bad chooses along the way, but being a mother was the bet choice I ever made , it was hard some time and i gave up a lot of my self to them and I will always be happy when I look back in years to come to my sons and hope that they also do the things for there children that at the time feel right to them. I hope that some day you one on one will take the time to try to come to some understanding about the chooses that I have made in the past year. I hope you will if only ones talk to me and let me try and answer your questions I will . Yes I have told a lot of lies and am more then sorry for that but I can't take that back I can try to help you to understand the lies by only telling you the true , even if it will hurt because some time ,the true will hurt and so if you want to hear every thing then please ask I will tell it. and I will tell you every thing that you want to know . Do I miss my family more then words could ever say the pain I have on a daily bases is more then I can take some days. This has been the greeted pain I have ever had in my life , I thought the lots of my father was bad, this pain is all day and some time all night long but I did this to myself I blame no one but me. , I miss the fun time and the bad time because we were always there as a family and i have no one to blame but myself. I hope that you will take the time to read this letter it come from my heart if I could take away all the pain that I have put everyone thought I would , but I cant I wish I would have done this any other way the but the way I did but i cant take that back and I will have to live with that for ever. Please rember that you also will do things in the years to come that you will look back on and say why in the hell did I do that , but life some times is not always what we want or think it should be. I do hope that you will please call me so we can talk this out and try to rebuild are mother and sons relsonship.
Well im sure you enjoyed that little bit of complete and udder idoicy. I'll post later with a edit to this that shows my veiws on certain parts of the letter lol so check back, but for now enjoy how fucking stupid she is. lol. whore.
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tails
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2005 21 February :: 10.22pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes - The Calender Hung Itself
Smile With Me. Just Try It.
See i told someone that things would work out. Things have a way of falling to peices and burning your fingers as you try so hard to put them back together. but once you got it together you notice there are still peices missing. im finding those missing pieces. that makes me smile alot. and hell you know what some of the old peices are starting to go (you know the ones with the old wrinkled cardboard corners). well my puzzle is coming together. can i ask you all something. if your mother is insane and your father dosent like you and your brother is just the biggest snoop and dick in the world. what do you do with yourself ? i mean ive been good so far. and stacy i miss you. what did i do stacy? what did i do?
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m&ms487
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2005 21 February :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: listless
I'm sitting in my dark little corner listening to acoustic emo music lisa gave me.
I think it would be emo music.
It doesn't really matter - i like it.
"you can't fake it hard enough to please anyone at all"
School tomorrow. I didn't do my homework. Why should I care? Sometimes I wish I didn't. Just stay in bed all day and not think about anything. Isolated.
Even when I'm around a thousand people, it feels like that anyway.
I hate crying.
I hate expectations.
I hate anger.
I hate hate.
I never thought something this simple would be so hard to do.
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tails
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2005 20 February :: 2.59pm
it was fucking great. i felt needed. i was only for a night. but that was enough. and i had the feeling assitance of my friends down at 99. lol. and well i just had a good time. fucking pigs suck.
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tails
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2005 18 February :: 12.32am
:: Music: The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone
Update From Inside
sooo....i got curfew....he got sex.....she got smokes.....he got another night of bliss.....shes cheating on him......they are both in denial.....life goes on outside of money.....college wont be too bad......and im not in hell yet.....with much love *hugs*
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tails
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2005 16 February :: 10.47pm
:: Mood: Dead
Fuck me
So I Just Figured Out That the next 7 years of my life are going to be fucking hell....thanks to bonnie proper. see i figured out that over the last 17 years (maybe more at least the years of my life) my ex-mother bonnie had been racking up 10,000 dollar debts in credit cards over and over and over and over and over and over again.card after card my dad had to do morgatge after morgate refience after refience so he could pay off my mothers bills....finally last year after the divorce he paid off the final debit and built his life back up strong. now we have all the money we need and plenty to spare....but. thanks to bonnie there was never enough money left over to put anything near college so ive never had a college fund EVER. all the money that was supposed to go to my college fund never made its way there cause bonnie had to buy everything on the fucking earth cause she thought plastic meant free money. so for the next 7 years i will be earning my way through college along side my father. struggling year after year. thanks mom.
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m&ms487
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2005 16 February :: 7.16pm
The best quotes from my journal and comments
"Only the shallowness and unwillinglyness of humanity to change will be it's ugliness and sole downfall. Don't let it happen to you."
--March 19, 2004
michelle campbell
"...you do have to remember that people alway think about what others will think about what they do"
"...that's a big reason why depression is on the rise; because of people who are too superficial and need to look better than that of everyone else, so they fabricate this lie of who they are, instead of who they want to be"
--March 20, 2004
bill korb
"... if it was easy, that means it didn't mean enough to you, and that it wasn't real"
--January 29, 2004
anne howland
"...People who don't know when to shut the fuck up piss me off, too. I'd really like to knock them unconscious so I don't have to hear their stupid voices anymore"
--January 23, 2004
justine gunneson
"Everyone does things they don't want to do, it's how the goddamn world works"
--December 24, 2003
mitch armstrong
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