:: 2004 3 June :: 9.59 am
:: Mood: fine/bit confused

Buda... the model
i want you to model for me
BudaFalL87: x_x
Auto response from brent: I am currently away from the computer.
im serious
BudaFalL87: .... lol
im serious Buda, i have to get ready to go, at least think about it, hell, if necessary, if you do, i might even pay you for it, but at least think abou tit
about it
BudaFalL87: .... ah.. I have to talk to you about a job ok?
BudaFalL87: But if you need to go I'll just e-mail you it.
what job real quick
BudaFalL87: A job for your photography.
BudaFalL87: My mother works at _____out in the _____ and they are having a prom and need someone to do pictures. I'm not sure about the details but want me to give them your card?
let me think about it
BudaFalL87: ... alright.
but you think about working with me, modeling for me that is, please
BudaFalL87: .... .. ahh...
please buda, truly think about it?
BudaFalL87: ... what kind of modeling?
modeling, you posing for pictures, different outfits, different poses, nothing nude, unless you do that yourself
BudaFalL87: xD lmao
BudaFalL87: I'm too shy xD
please think about it, im begging you even just to consider it
please buda
BudaFalL87: ... ;_;.....
please?
BudaFalL87: >_< .....
yes or no will you think about it?
BudaFalL87: ... ::circles yes::
: thank you very much :: gives you a small hug :: but im out now, really thank you though
BudaFalL87: ...
bye bye miss dot girl
BudaFalL87: xD ha laterz


OMG!!! I'm way to shy to let someone get close and take pictures of me xD omg omg omg rotflmao! I can't stop laughing! My parents probably think I took some drugs or something xD omg!!!! Ha ha ha This is fucking crazy! I've got many modeling offers before but the shoots where up in OKC.. too long of a drive.. but damn.. .. this is crazy. He's gonna become a stalker ain't he? Fuck just what I need -_-

OMG!! XD!!!!! LMAO!!!


!!!


6:11

Going fishing, sonny is working tonight.


Ja~

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 1 June :: 5.12 pm
:: Mood: fine/whatever the fuck

.. buda once more
.... today was not cool at all... not one bit.

... brent.. hugged me off the bat.. .. i see the looks his friends give me.. their not friendly looks either...

luis never showed.. he went too early and left before i got there...

.. i'm begining not to be able to stand brent.. .. i.. let him hug me.. poke me.. whatever the fuck little things, I didn't want.. to push him away infront of his guy friends.. .. but.. .. .. i'm really annoyed with him.. .. .. I liked it when we hugged but It's just lust.. I could hug any guy i'm sure and be fucking happy damn..

Woke.. god.. I wanted... to.. with jon.. just.. tell him friends no more touchign but..... .. two of them.. brent knows how to get to my work.. he looked up the number and found directions to it..i have a hunch that he might pay me a visit tonight.. i hope not.. because.. of jon.. sure no strings attached.. but... brent has a temper.. i'm gonna.. tell him to cool it.. god i never want to see him again.. i'm scared and i got fucking nervous when we drove to the fucking mall. Nervous!

.. .. my brother is thinking about building a garage out here.. he's in a car club and this and that shit.. .. goddamnit. my parents aren't taking me seriously! Why! Damnit! He can't build that if we move! .. why.. why.. why can't we move! I want out of here! Away from these people.. and i that pathdic to run?

... ....

.. guys.. grr.. why can't i meet a decent one?

at wal mart.. this mexican kart boy.. was cute and.. we walked in and he was outside and we looked at each other for a bit.. then when we was done shoping we was comming out and he was walking by because him and the other dude was called and had to go talk to a lady. Anyway.. he looked at me and i was looking at him and he looked away but then looked at me again to i guess see if i was still looking at him and i smiled kinda and he looked so surprised and shy he smiled and the corner of his mouth when up shyly ! aWW it was so fucking cute! god.. am.. i.. not that bad looking? I mean.. I never smile at guys.. but if and when i do.. will they smile back? damn...

heh last night mom said 'buda, is it just your bra or are your boobs growing? ' and i'm like 'ha ha ha you think so too! i noticed it a couple of days ago! it's not my bra for sure!' yes.. my boobies are growing.. joy.. real joy ^^' ha ha ha xD ha ha ha ::clears throat::


... god.. i'm. just so confused and i dont' care about a goddamn thing besides my self...

.. i have soem cake mix all ready to go.. i think i'll go try and bake one on my own.. i never have baked one before this will be fun. I bought a pan and some sprinkles today.. with my own money.. it feels so good to have your own money..

... work tonight.. if it is jon.. .. .. what.. i thinik.. i'll tell him about my boy troubles ha ha .. this will be so much fun.. damn.. ..

.. just damn.. watch him not work tonight..
.. I won't tell him i will tell him i do'nt fucking know.. god. why.. why don't i have a friend that can see something is bothering me? God no one fucking cares for me because i don't fucking care... .. ah and blah blah pity me oh poor poor me, why can't i just shut the fuck up?

.. .. ..


.. cha i'm so stupid.. fucking arizona.. i'm not letting it slip away.. i can't!


~


UPDATE 10:03

For all of you who don't know, I don't like cake, but I made one anyway. I decided to eat a slice to.. it tasted like cake .. which I don't like so I guess it was a normal cake. Yes it turned out well. Strawberry, meaning yes it was PINK. I think I put too many sprinkles on it however, went crazy and was throwing them up in the air and watching them land on the frosting.

Work went great. I like Jon he is fricking awesome. He lets me run my mouth off all I want. It's great. I was just blah blahin though the whole work and I was so happy when Jon was really listening and telling me stories and shit. It was great..

I was really hyper today. I think it was because Brent gotz me triping and shit. I ended up telling Jon about him and everything.. and.. he sat next to me, without touching me, and really listened.. i mean.. he LISTENED ... it.. was .. great.. wow.. that is a first.. realy it was.. someone listening to me.. fully.. no interuptions.... it's never.. ever happen to me before.
He told me that I should stay away from this guy that it seems he has issues and.. that he understands that I dont' trust anybody and shit.. and.. .. it's cool.. Jon wants me to call him at 9 tomorrow morning.. ha ha I told him i'd have to set my clock cause I ain't waking up that early. I want to call him.. but I don't you know? I dont' want to get in trouble.. and I never talk early on the phone.. so.. I already have an excuse.

Brent is talking to me now.. I really don't want to talk to him.. Jon.. he is cool.. god..

god.. I'm breaking it to brent now... .. great.. can't wait for him to start blowing ... god.. .
.. .....
Jon.. .. AZ... AZ AZ AZ...

... Brent.. .. god.. ... i don't want him to hate me.. I'll post the convo when we are done. .. I'm gonna go play some more chess on pogo.. Jane jane jane ((DDR song))

...

THE UPDATES NEVER END
-THE CONVERSATION:

:: curls up next to you ::
BudaFalL87: ._.'
BudaFalL87: ::pushes on forehead:: sup?
:: curls up around arm laying head on your shoulder :: tired and tired, missed that non stop by 3 steps, missed you also for some reason
BudaFalL87: ... dang 3 steps huh? >.>'
yeah, it sucked ass
all in the last song also
BudaFalL87: Ha I bet you where crusing and shit at it huh?
naw, i knew it was coming actually, having trouble AAA the last song, but took a stab at it anyways, hopefully will get it tomorrow monring
BudaFalL87: yea that would be cool
yeah, so you miss me at all?
BudaFalL87: ::looks away pretending not to hear anything::
BudaFalL87: For some reason I have that Jane Jane song stuck in my head.
Buda, i missed you, and i know you missed me, just say it and stop hiding it
BudaFalL87: ..... I said I wanted you as a friend correct?
yes
BudaFalL87: What was up with all the contact today? I felt like you was flirtin again.
im sorry, your just gorgeous to me, kinda hard to control it, see, i told you i woudl mess it up
BudaFalL87: ... ::takes a deep breath:: god I just don't know what to say to you.. and when I don't say a thing you just assume and.. assume wrong.
: well, i wont lie, yes i did flirt with you, and thats because im attracted to you, which you already know, im sorry, its kinda hard to just stop thinking things in one instnat
BudaFalL87: Chill for a sec my mom needs the phone...
okay, talk to me
BudaFalL87: ._. sorry my mom is a dork and forgot some dudes name ...
k
im not going to lie though buda, i do like you, and yes i did try to flirt with you, but i know nothign can happen, and it just sucks
BudaFalL87: Then if you know, just stop. You're making me feel babe (meant to say bad -.-') because I can't give you the chance you wanted. Your friends gave me a really evil look when you hugged me.. I didn't push you away because I didn't want to embarrass you infront of them but.. I just don't want to take it that far.. I'm sorry..
what is keeping you from giving me a chance?
BudaFalL87: Ok, I'd just used me being 16 and not being able to go anywhere as an excuse that and we wouldn't be able to do anything but talk on the computer and see each other at DDR but it'd all have to be in serect.. I don't do shit behind my parents back. But that was just an excuse, I just.. don't want a guy weighing me down. .. You're not quite my type anyway... ..
thanks, now i definitely know no one wants me, LOL
BudaFalL87: ....
what?
BudaFalL87: ... I just don't want you to be pissed off at me.. but I guess I can't stop you from being.
im not pissed
im just sad
BudaFalL87: I'm a complicated little shit that doesn't know how to make up her mind so she wants everything...
well wish you would want me, but thats not going to happen
BudaFalL87: Why do you wish a 16 year old girl would want you? I don't understand.
BudaFalL87: That fucking jail bait ya'know.
you dont see things the way i see, age is a fucking number, guess you dont see that, legal age in OK is 16 anyways, but thats not the reason iw ould want you, wont explain, have no reason to, wont get me anywhere
BudaFalL87: I know it's the legal age.. but.. I have empathy with the who cares about age thing.. it's just.. god I don't know.. what could I give you?
a smile, someone who has some same interests, someone who is gorgeous in my eyes, mainly a reason to be happy
BudaFalL87: ... as a friend I can smile at you and we do have some same interests (expect for the porn thing) and.. I'm happy.. .. I mean.. that's about all I can give you babe.... and that ain't much.. so you're just wasting your time on me.. you really are.
okay, can i ask you why im not someone you would date, tell me whats wrong with me in your eyes?
BudaFalL87: I refuse to. I'm not going to be rude.
tell me plase
please even
BudaFalL87: ...
BudaFalL87: I don't think it's my place to say anything.
it is your place, you just dont want to
BudaFalL87: I just dont' want you being fucking pissed at me.. I dont' to go play DDR and have you there looking at me in disgust. You saw how I played today, I sucked. ... it was because.. I couldn't think of how to tell you.. that you're not my type and .. that I don't want you flirting with me.. ..
BudaFalL87: I just dont' want you being fucking pissed at me.. I dont' want to go play DDR and have you there looking at me in disgust. You saw how I played today, I sucked. ... it was because.. I couldn't think of how to tell you.. that you're not my type and .. that I don't want you flirting with me.. ..
Auto response from brent: I am currently away from the computer.
BudaFalL87: I have to go...
okay, thanks, goodbye
BudaFalL87: ....
thank you for telling me there truth, so talk to you later
BudaFalL87: ... alright.. see ya...


... wow.. crazy...


Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 31 May :: 8.14 pm
:: Mood: a bit upset/other then that fine

.. stupid buda
Buda? is it you or someone else?
BudaFalL87: don't tell me this is Brent?
roflmao, okay, its not brent
BudaFalL87: ^^' didn't know you had AIM
yeah, have two aim two msn and yahoo all in one client
BudaFalL87: well that's nice
yeah, so whats up?
BudaFalL87: Nothing much, I'm just getting my ass handed to me by someone on pogo.
roflmao, thats funny, so is anyone near your computer, meaning i have to be nice, or is it just you around the screen?
BudaFalL87: lol and what if I say, don't worrie about it?
was going to ask you why you think you are growing on me?
BudaFalL87: ._. did you mean to type that?
yes i did
BudaFalL87: x_x I'm growing on you? ._. did I write it wrong in my e-mail?
no, we have talked that about in email convo, so talk to me about it, please
BudaFalL87: ¿.___.?
come on, talk to me, no getting away from it now
BudaFalL87: -.-' *finally checkmate* o.o ... .. ok.. ask again?
why did you say that you think you are growing on me in one of your emails?
BudaFalL87: >_< I said that you were growing on me.
BudaFalL87: xD I swear you are dyslexic
okay :(, if you say so
BudaFalL87: -_-+ well go check! Did I typo?
what, do you not like me? ROFLMAO
BudaFalL87: -_-+
i cant find the email, probably accidentally erased it
:(
BudaFalL87: -_-+
so what do you think about me then?
BudaFalL87: -_-+ you're annoying xD ha ha ha
BudaFalL87: no jp
BudaFalL87: well... let me rethink that...
BudaFalL87: xD ha ha ha
BudaFalL87: rotflmao!
BudaFalL87: there I used your little expression -.-'
: lol, come on, talk to me, please
BudaFalL87: ._. you don't want me to talk...
why not?
i love talking to you in person, why wouldn't i want you to talk to me now
BudaFalL87: ha ha ha love talking to me in person huh? >:]
BudaFalL87: Do you work in the morning?
buda, im not wanting to joke around here, i want to talk to you, i f you want to play, i will go away, otherwise just talk to me about anything, and i dont work at the arcade, im just always there, brb though :(
back
BudaFalL87: -_-+ I know you don't work at the mall anymore, I was talking about Wal Mart in other words I'll be at the mall in the morning around 10-11:30 hopfully and was just wondering if you could be there but wondered if you had to work or not -_-+
BudaFalL87: And sorry, I don't take any guy seriosly.
well take me serious, i have always been serious with you, dont joke about anything, im not like all guys if you haven't figured that out yet, and yes, i can be there if you want me to, but only if you want me there
BudaFalL87: ::fights back laughter:: why are you so nice to me? I've tried to be bitchy.
well fine, we will do this the easy then, bye, if you want to be bitchy to me, im gone, so have fun tomorrow, :: walks away to go eat ::
BudaFalL87: ._.
Auto response from brent: food in about 10 mins, be back after im done, cya

" just for some reason i dont feel right today "
BudaFalL87: I didn't mean to piss you off... I like you.. I really do.. it's just.. I don't trust guys right off the bat and I don't know why you are so persistent and what your motives are so... that's why I was trying to .. get you not to like me.. by being bitchy in other words. I'll tell you this upfront, I don't plan on dating you and I dought you can change my mind; however, I would like it if we could be friends... ..
BudaFalL87: I promise I'll take you more seriously.
you have done something thats pushed us past friends, i might talk to you, i might help you out on ddr, but thats all, its not that you wont date me, its not that you want fuck me, nothing, its the fact that you wouldn't even trust me, and accept me for being me, which means im not a friend, goodbye buda as a friend, you are now just someone i know, have a nice night, and maybe you might see me tomorrow :: walks away alone ::
BudaFalL87: ..
Auto response from brent: I am currently away from the computer.
BudaFalL87: damn... well... damn.. I dont' know what to say.. we obviously have bad communication... if you see it that way.. then.. I guess I acomplished what I wanted to do... but am regretting it.. Didn't know we were friends.. guess I ruined that chance though huh? Again.. I think you .. misinterpret what I have said.. I hope what you said still holds.. I want to see you tomorrow...


... I feel.. really aweful... .. really aweful...

Luis is supposed to meet me at the mall....

... No work today because of the Holiday.. we closed early..

...


~

PART TWO 9:37
BudaFalL87: ...
yes?
BudaFalL87: ...
what buda?
BudaFalL87: .....
im not going to talk to you if all you put in is periods, if you want to talk, say somethign
BudaFalL87: .. sorry alright?
BudaFalL87: you got my last 2 posts right?
BudaFalL87: after your autoresponse?
that truly hurts if your goal was to make me not like you, thats truly messed up
BudaFalL87: ... it wasn't.. quite a goal.. it's just.. .. I was afraid you were trying to just get sex out of me .. that's why I wanted to push you away.. but..
my goal was to become friends with you, and whatever happens happens, ya know, i wasn't aiming for sex, hell im a guy, i wont lie sex i wouldn't have minded, but im not aiming for it, if you keep thinking that im like all guys, say goodbye to me now, because i will walk away, otherwise accept me for me, someone you like, that you have admitted to, and be happy dammit
BudaFalL87: ::smiles:: .. yes.. I do like you... just.. fricking.. stop rushing things...
what am i rushing? tell me that
BudaFalL87: friendship whatever the fuck.. wanting me to trust you... I can't trust you so quickly...
then we will end it now, goodbye buda, been nice knowing you
BudaFalL87: god wait
what
why the hell should i
im fucking 23 years old
what the fuck do i need to be playing games for
huh
tell me that
BudaFalL87: ... ... ah.. damnit.. ..
BudaFalL87: just.. don't leave .. give me a second..
ok
BudaFalL87: can we be friends?
why should i, you dont trust me like one, how the hell can i be a friend with someone that doesn't trust me
BudaFalL87: I bearly know you! Sure you haven't given me a reason not to trust you, but can't you accept that it takes time to earn my trust? I mean.. I trust you somewhat.. but.. just not.. fully.
the way you act you dont trust me at all, because you consider me like every other guy, and thats bullshit, so if you cant accept me for me, and fucking stop thinking im like everyone, tell me the fuck goodbye
BudaFalL87: ... ... i accept you for you.. do the same for me... ... i see you're not like.. all the other guys or whatever..
you sure dont act like it
BudaFalL87: .. i know.. that's why.. you have to give me time to warm up to you.. it's hard to understand me i get it all the time.. that i'm confusing and i'm sorry I am... .. but i want to get to know you more.. and .. want you to understand me aswell...
then answer something for me, why do you want to truthfully get to know me, tell me that, be honest about it
BudaFalL87: ... I want to get to know you more because.. ... because it seems we have alot in common.. ... god you just seem like you would be a good friend alright?
see, your rushing yourself thru your answer, take your time, answer this to the best of your ability
BudaFalL87: what the fuck do you want to hear from me? when i find the answer, i'll tell you alright?
fine
do what you want
i give up
BudaFalL87: ... sorry...
if you want me as a friend, you try, if you dont, you dont, i just give up and dont care anymore, always seem to fuck things up in life, so why try
BudaFalL87: sorry! no please...
BudaFalL87: it'd be better if we talked in person ok?
no it wouldn't, because we would just end up argueing, then i would walk away
its that simple
if you want it like you say you do, you make it work
I GIVE UP
BudaFalL87: .... i wouldn't argue with you.. guys don't give me the time of day like you do ok? it's hard for me alright! ...
BudaFalL87: i want to fucking trust you there!
i dont see why you say that about guys, your fucking gorgeous, hell, even if i wanted to date you, i would have no chance in hell, your to gorgeous for me, there you happy, i said my side, i just wanted a friend, and fucked that up also :: gets pissed at himself ::
BudaFalL87: ... you just keep surprising me and making me feel more like an ass... ... i didn't know you felt that way.. i'm sorry.. .. .. thank you
well now you know, i wont lie, i do like you buda, but i know i could never have a chance, and i know nothing could ever happen, at least i see it not, sorry, put myself down all the time, i just wanted a friend, and i have fucked that up, im the one that is sorry
BudaFalL87: Sorry.. but I could never give you the chance that you're wanting... I'm 16 and I'm not the type to sneak off.. I really do want us to be friends though.. don't put yourself down around me.. as you can see I did the same.. put myself down .. or whatever.. you haven't fucked it up, i though i did that.
buda, im not feeling good, my head hurts, my throat hurts, and im just ina pissie mood, i will talk to you later, if we even do that, if i show up tomorrow i do, otherwise, im sorry, goodnight, :: walks away confused and sad ::
BudaFalL87: Look I'm sorry if your head hurts but how do you think mine feels? Dont' fucking dismiss me like that again. I'll be sad if I dont see you tomorrow..
Auto response from brent: I am currently away from the computer.


God ..I know I'm not serious about all this but.. I just don't want him angry with me.. .. what if he's serious?

..


COMMENTS damn you!


~!

Close the World |

:: 2004 31 May :: 11.58 pm
:: Mood: fine/kinda tired

Tis Buda
I have so much to type today was such fun!

I don't feel like typing though so sorry but you may not (sorry quote from last samurai) Yea..

Brent is growing on me and I am on him -_- after babysiting my sis's kid I went to the mall and played DDR by myself.. then showed like 5 little 3 foot high kids how and thier mom's took a crack at it.. it was fun.

Brent came along a bit later... hugged me right off the bat.. and.. lectured me after every song I played. I'm up to 5 feet on light.. 4 on standard.. ... ..

I think Brent talks when he's nervous.. I hope so because he never shuts up..

He laughed at my dancing alot.. I call it dancing but it's really just jumping and stomping... .. ... he's .. odd looking... and is odd.. but.. shit there is no but's.. he's fucking 23... no.. -.-' plus he's like a yard taller then me -.-'


fuck it


~

Close the World |

:: 2004 30 May :: 11.13 pm
:: Mood: fine

¤||Buda||¤
Brent... for some reason said that I truly hurt him.. I am confused as to this.. ha he said that he is confused as if I like him or not and said that he hopes we can figure it out together.. Creep.
Oh .. btw.. went into DDR town yesterday and met up with Luis.. Zacks friend that is 13 and as cute as ever. He's gonna be a hottie when he's a foot taller and 4 years older ^^' Zack was gone and the plan was for me to pick up Zack and then we all meet up at the mall but... I took Amy instead.
It was funny.. I was wearing my Blink 182 shirt so he would know who I was (I was like 40 minutes late.. heh) and he looked at me and raised a brow and I looked down at him and raised a brow and was like 'Luis?' he's like 'you are taller then I expected' lol and I replyed 'heh you are shorter then I expected' He introduced me to his ugly 14 year old wanna be gothic girlfriend.. god... sure being gothic people say you can just throw on anything black but.. to have true style.. god she was just crazy and glasses and her hair frizzy and.. braclets of all kinds just jumbled together up her arm for about 48 inches and.. damn.. I was just astonished that he would go out with something like THAT. He was cute, and matched. Had on some.. really thick glove things that only went.. well ok arm warmers with holes for thumbs and only went to .. about 3 inches below his elbow. That with braclets over it. He had on a gray beanie with his fuzzy hair coming out of the front, so cute! I wanted to touch it.. I was surprised they where gothic.. yes but anyway.. we went straight to DDR. Brent was there.. he seemed to .. just say hi and then.. I don't know .. avoid me? I don't know but.. after we were done.. it seemed Luis took quite the liking to me. I wooped his girlfriend in Tekken 4.. ok I was scared because she kicked my ass first match 2nd match I won by a sliver of life and last match i just kicked her ass but yes I was a bit nervous ^^' but all in all i had a good time.. I suppose.. on of his other.. 'girl' friends .. meet up and it was yet another wanna be goth.. this time worse.. blonde.. glasses.. freckles.. stupid voice and jacked up teeth.. old faded shirt and was she wearing her fathers boots? Chain and some old necklaces and some bag I forgot.. but anyway she was the worst. Luis.. poor poor luis.. he looked the best out of them.. the girls here crazy and he had a smile that made me grin with him.
Anyway me and Amy went back to DDR while he read a ... game book in.. SamGoodys.
Anyway... Brent came up (oh that hott guy Danny, the black one with all the pericings, showed up and had a ring hanging from the middle of his nose ._. no thta was wrong, but besides that he was hott.. and didn't notice me -.-' he probably has stalkers of both sexes T.T ) but yes brent came up and asked if I wanted him to put credits on there so I wouldn't have to pay ^^ I"m like 'damn right' ha ha and he did -.-' a $1 worth ¬_¬ cheap ass.
OH O_O this guy is fucking CREEPY~!!!!!!! He had his camera and once I was done jumping arund he said 'damnit, i just took 7 pictures of you and all of them where fuzzy!' .____. ::shivers:: I'm like 'WHAT!!!' and he's like 'here I"ll show you' and sure enough the bastard took pictures of me. He wanted me to send him a pic of me on the internet to him.... ::sigh:: guess he thought I wouldn't -.-'
._. fucking creepy though.. said good bye and he.. -_- hugged me.. one handed again so that was a 'yea!' ha yea but bad me i felt sorry for him xD ha ha my way of saying 'thanks chum for paying! do it again sometime!' and place my hand on his back for a so so very brief moment n.n
yea.. Playing a new game called Thousand Arms xD ha ha I'm borrowing it from Amy and it has a dating sim in it! ha ha ha I have to date girls to up grade my weapons xD does'n't that suck? Ha god it's halarious!
Yes but.. yea.. worked with Sonny Fri and Sat. I'm working Mon, Tues, Thrus, Fri and Sat. Fishing either Thrusday morn or Friday morn. I'm ready to catch JimJim some family members ^^
Yes... well... for once I'm out of things to say.. since no one asks about anything anyway... -_-

LATER

S	Square
T	Technological
U	Unreal
P	Proud
I	Inspirational
D	Dignified
F	Feminine
U	Useful
C	Courageous
K	Kind

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 27 May :: 11.29 pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: Scream - Slipknot

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 27 May :: 4.06 pm
:: Mood: fine/sort-a hot

¤||Buda||¤
After church yesterday Beth took me with her to ... oh Bulldog town and.. we went to see Brook.
He's so hot. But anyway he is supposed to put on a bunch of black make-up for me and come see me at work either Friday or Saturday ^^ can't wait!
Yes.. but.. Beth hasn't talked to him in like 2 weeks and.. that's why she wanted to go see him.. we talked for about 50 minutes there.. he's getting back into drugs and parties with out Bethany being his girlfriend.. it's complicated but... Bethany told me when we left there that she is willing to tell me anything, but I have to ask. I then knew that I wanted to help but.. had no questions. .. she told me though... and.. was about to cry sometimes and she almost made me cry. I can understand her feelings completly.. and.. Brooks feelings some too. I'm tring so hard to have empathy with Brook.. I have his number now.. I want to have a one on one conversation with him.. I told beth that and she said 'i can do that for you guys i can hook it up' and she thought that I wanted to talk to him because I wanted to go out with him... then she's like 'oh.. to talk about me?' ... and I think then.. then she found out that I was trying to help the two out.. both of them... that I didn't want to steal him.. ... yea.. it's odd.
There so much to be written here so you guys can understand how I see things.. this is the place I go to.. to explain.. because.. in my real life.. when I try to confide in another... something happens and that person has to leave.. I mean always.. even though AIM.. they always have to leave.. I'm cursed.. I really thing I am... I jinx everything and.. I have no one to confide in..

I've decided.. to save my money.. that I'll work 5 out of 7 days.. Mon, Tues, Thurs, Fri and Sat at my work... that'll give me $160 a month hopefully. I will save this money.... for Arizona.. our trip this summer... it will be a trip one mom and dad will fall in love with the place...

Before I can sit down my parents and ask them what they see me doing in the future.. I am to decide that formyself.. what do I want to do with my life?

With 2 paychecks I'll have enough to take them out for dinner... I need to get my driving license... so I can get a second job.. since I already have fucking insurence.. ..

Brent.. wants me to flirt back with him and go over to his house to watch the tape.. god what a perv. How am I supposed to trust a guy? When will I find a decent one? I guess it really doesn't matter... god... I.. really do want a friend.. someone who'll understand me.. know when something is wrong... look behind my smile and see something is botherng me.. No one.. in my entire life.. has been ever to do that.. not even my parents.. Bethany says that Brook can do that.. I wonder what that's like.

I'm gonna start keeping this house clean.. clean so my mom doesn't have to bitch at my dad who in turn looks at me with such dissapointment.. mom bitches at me too..

I'm gonna try to go vacuum the house.. that is if my stomach permits it.. it's been hurting today.. god.. I used my paycheck for food (only $16) .. it didn't buy shit... no more buying books... no more... stupid shit.. we need food ... and I'll be the one to buy it from now on... I guess I can't really start saving just yet.. .... like I said.. I can't stand this place... everyone that I've met, well just about, I can't stand.
People are pathedic... I refuse to be one of them.. I have so many dreams so many goals... so farfetched... I'll need to think about what I want to study... because if I don't have a firm opinion about it.. my parents will dismiss me... I can't, I wont let that happen. I refuse to stay here... .. refuse...

...

~

Close the World |

:: 2004 26 May :: 11.18 pm
:: Mood: bit tired/amused

¤||Buda||¤
Ha, does anyone remember me talking about this werewolf looking guy that is good real good at DDR? And that he poked me in the eye with his keys once on accident? And he paid for me to play DDR before too? Heh well today dad and I went to the mall and yea.. he was there. I could only play two games well to make it short, Brent (dudes name) had to leave but wanted to stay and I quote "talk and harass me" Anyway he also was inching behind the machine to sheild him out of view of my father, I quote again "do you notice me inching behind this machine? I'm trying to hide from your dad" Heh then, he also imformed me that it was his 'legs' in the DDR picture in the newspaper. (there was an article over DDR and loosing weight) That and that he would be on the news tonight at 10 but we don't get the channel anymore because of direct TV.. he said since he was so nice he woudl tape it for me. Heh he also said if I ever wanted to get ahold of him to... he pulled out his wallet and pulled out a business card... and handed it to me. I was cracking up that HE had a business card.. then he told me to read it and it turns out that he has his own production. He's a photographer... heh... Yes well he said see ya later and gave me.. a one handed hug (I've been getting alot of those lately) his hand was on my hip... yes I can't say I didn't like it.. Heh he cracks me up.. so full of himself...
I e-mailed him... this is what I wrote:

Yea didn't know if you'd remember my name *most likely not* Yea well I just wanted to e-mail you quickly because my father just bought that LOTR return of the king thing and we're watching it now.. so on your yahoo profile it said you like porn? How nice... lol


Later

And his reply was:

hey, thanx for emailing me, and whats wrong with porn, and dammit you looked good today, wanted to flirt with you, but was scared, :(, just wish there was some way you could come over by yourself, LOL, im so bad, well talk to you soon sweetie, Brent

... Sweetie? God, what a creep. Oh and by the way, just so you all know, he's 23 -.-' someone hit me xD ha ha ha Damn! Guys never used to even flirt with me, only the ugly outsiders, all the cute boys were still young and immature -.-' now all the older ones come for me xD ha ha ha damnit! Sucks!

Yes well I'm about to e-mail him back..

Fishing yesterday was fun. It stormed the whole time.. My fishing pole turned out not to work (dad and I had to go buy me one) so I didn't fish. I just laid on the rocks and let the rain hit me.. it was great. I was by myslef while the others where down next to the water... yea.. it was so windy.. but anyway we switched lakes and I waded in the water.. up to my knees.. I could see though it so I wasn't too freaked out.. untill someone threw a rock by me and I screamed and stumbled to shore -.-' so mean. Dad had done it.. then it was my sister.. then my sister and dad and so on between the two.. it was fun though.. it got laughs out of them so why not hop around in water like an idiot? Yea.. It was also lightening the whole time.. I got one pic of a bolt.. it's alright looking...

.. I don't work till Friday.. Friday and Saturday.. Starting Friday it's my job full time.. every night.. unless I want days off.. I'm thinking Wednesday since I have church and then Saturday for my shows.. we close early Sunday so unless it's real busy I dont' want to worrie about working on that day...

... God Brent.. ha.. well if I can get free DDR games out of him why not right? Lmao.. god..

We are supposed to fish early tomorrow morning.. oh I got a new rod btw.. yea..

Anyone care to know what I might of wrote Brent?

Well good night all.. ..

Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 24 May :: 2.18 pm
:: Mood: fine

¤||Buda||¤
Some guy finds me interesting! And enjoys my conversations? That doesn't sound right now does it?

Well, was supposed to go fishy this MORNING but parents ran off to the casino and left me in bed asleep -.-' Mother said they'd come back to get me... it's been.. more then 3 and a half hours since she said that... I guess we are going tonight.. they have to take me into DDR town so I can get a license for fishing.. .. sis called like 4 times.. wanting to talk to mom of course.. but it turns out she is comming tonight too.. she can't go too late though because she works eary... .. I'm getting tired of waiting for them.. I bet we wont' go fishing tonight.. I just bet.

I had malt-o-meal to eat since I was starving (I told mom to bring me home some food from when they came to get me but she said I can wait till we leave and I can get something on the way out -_-+) Now I am eating chips.. I just realized.. they are off at the casino.. and we have NO food.. NONE at all.. I'm serious... .. .. my brother got out of his room and into the kitchen just now and back to his room empty handed (he worked late and just now woke up) I mean, he ALWAYS finds something to eat... my stomach has made it's slef clear for 3 days now that it wants food and not to feed it junk food -.-' like this morning I took like a bite of a browny and just about killed myself. God my stomach started to ate up -.-' it was there so it was easy just to eat it... since I'm so lazy.. I wanted eggs but we are out.. out of everything!.. ...

... God I want a boyfriend.. I'm all ready to go.. 'fishing' (into town n.n) .. ... I'm gonna try and bass fish..(like my dad) I can't just catfish doing nothing but waiting for a bite like my mother and sister.. I think sis catfishes.. I dunno.. but I've always catfished.. I dont' even have a pole I think ._. I have no clue..

DDR... ... ::sighs::.. Jon... god damn.. I want to move... and hurry.. get away from all my mistakes ^^',\ heh I'm running away xD ... I just... dont' like.. anyone here.. except Ashley... whom I talked to on the phone yesterday.. she got her tongue pierced.. and is on birth control.. since she is alergic to condoms -_-+ God.. atleast she is away fromt he drugs and alcohol... she said she smokes weed still every blue moon.. argh ... -.-' I want alcohol.. now... grrr.. damnit when are they gonna get back! I'm starving!... AH!

OH.. who thinks they avatar is alright looking? I kept screwing up so I just did a simple one.. yep.. then the title of the journal is different too.. can anyone put 2 and 2 together?

^^

UPDATE
4:05PM

Parents called and they are on their way...

I'm bringing my camera just incase I catch a fish, then I'll yell "I call this fish JimJim!" And take a picture of the ugly evil thing that probably cut me and got slime all over me by then. Yea... Such fun.. I better not get bit my anything.. argh.. bugs.. ah and snakes.. they like weather like this.. fucking great... .. I'm getting itchy already!


....

Close the World |

:: 2004 23 May :: 12.52 pm
:: Mood: Hungry/tired

Well, I saved Hiei but couldn't save lovely Jahreee -.-' it's the dopes own fault ¬_¬ *I knew I should of paid for his account*

... Jon has roaming hands... I let him.. roam... .. he tired to.. sneek his hand from my shoulder and down but.. I grabbed it before it found a trail down.

His eyes.. they are always.. stareing.. damn I can never stare back.. never... I .. always.. lower myself to others.... well guys.. like.. I'm not good enough.. god.. insecure...

We were sitting at the booth, like 9 something and he was to my left with his arm around me and his left hand in my lap.. area. ^^' yea... >.> he's like 'so, what is the dirtyest thing you've done?' and I'm like 'we are NOT having this conversation!' lol and he's like aww why not but let me get away with it...

God.. there was all kinds of omens and signs going off today. Damn and I'm going against all of it.. I know I'm setting myself up for some punishment.. I just hope they take it out on me and no one else -.-'

So much I want to tell.. I'm tired though and am going to bed now... since it's 1:38 AM Sunday morning (I had to come back to finish this post)

... Jon... .. he told me he went to bed at 3 yesterday.. I did the same.. I thought of him.. he told me that he was thinking of calling too... we thought of each other at the same time.. he woke up at 11 today.. and today that's the time I got up too..

It's stupid I guess, but I have these little dreams.. just .. pictures... and they come true.. I mean.. I'll be somewhere and it'll click 'I've been here before' but.. never really had I just saw it in my mind.. well tonight with jon... it happened.. I didn't say anything about it, however, I did'nt want him to think I was crazy.. yea.. but we were at the booth and.. had the lights out and there was glows from the machines and.. the lighting.. and shadowing.. was the same as the dream.. and there was a table in front of me, that being the booth, and then a guy to my left with his arm around me.. of course I didn't see the guys face but.. it happened.. it's a sign.. or omen.. .. but.. there were.. so many omens... today.. they had to be signs... god.. I hope I can remember them all tomorrow.. .. .. Does anyone even care?



Ja~
...

Close the World |

:: 2004 22 May :: 11.54 pm
:: Mood: depressed

I cried for I bet 10 minutes straight just now.

It was while I was playing Mrs. Pac Man with my mother. We where talking about .. Arizona. And .. I just.. when I think about staying here.. and not being able to get away from this place.. these people.. I can't help but cry... I'm just rotting away here.. there is nothing.. for me here.. no one.. nothing.. no education.. nothing.. music.. no art... .. that's all I'm about.. music and art.. I want to be in a band again so much.. and I mean orchestral music.
I couldn't believe how warm my tears where.. I wasn't .. crying loudly I was just playing.. and the tears kept rolling down.. I didn't try to stop them.. but I didn't think they'd last as long as they did.
Father had gone to bed.. I only stoped crying when my brother got out of his room got some food and sat on the couch with mother.. I didn't want to cry near him.

Father and I had a talk eairer today.. and everytime I try to talk about this place about my perspectives.. I always end up crying. So it was really hard talking to him and not crying.. I almost did.. I'm sure he could hear it in my voice too. He asked about Martika .. she called this morning and said she was working tonight so I'm working tomorrow night.. I think Jon is working.. I hope so anyway.. I want to see him.. want to talk to him.. ..
I told dad that I had no friends.. sure they think I do because I hang out with them call them and spend the night.. but.. it's just something to do because there is nothing else to do... father understood.. he said he was glad.. Glad that I was like him.. he said that he was like that when he was a kid.. never had any real friends, just people he hung out with... he said that was good.. and that it's alright you'll make it... that's what he told me.. .. I wanted to cry.. I dont' want to be like that.. I want.. to find someone who'll understand me.. who has the same mind set as me.. I can't stand all these closed minds here.. no one can see the big picture.. maybe I'm just a dreamer but... I just can't stand it here...

Mom said she is not going to rent again.. we have so many loans.. that's what's sucking all our money up.. that and car paments.. Our House payment is only $300 something a Month! Does anyone know how cheap that is? You couldn't rent a 3 bedroom house for that amount.. what does that tell you about this place? Why was this place so cheap? Because it's in the middle of no where and it's small...

I did nothing today.. there is nothing to eat either.. And this time I mean NOTHING. I've been hungry all day.. everyone has... I know dad doesn't eat so we can.. but.. he doesn't have to worrie about that because there is nothing to eat for anyone.. we are out of everthing... .. I couldnt' believe it.. there WAS nothing to eat.. wait I'm saying WAS.. I mean there IS nothing to eat. I woke up this morning, grabbed 2 cookies and a yogert thing and that's what I ate for breakfast.. immidately I got a horible stomach ache.. damn I swear I'm better off not eating. My stomach always acts up. Better hungry then walking and having to double over in pain. I went to the kitchen and cooked the last 5 eggs, hoping some real food would settle my stomach. I told dad that today I would be greedy and gave him 2 eggs and 3 for myself.. that and I drank as much water as I could.. sometimes my stomach likes that.
It was hard to stand and cook with my stomach feeling as it did.. it was even harder eating but.. the eggs and water helped.. .. I had the last corn dog.. who knows what my dad had to eat. Mom was at work and I have no clue where my brother was.. maybe in his room but I never saw him. Mom got home and cooked some noodles and put butter and garlic on them.. that's what dinner was.. that and about 3 sodas today.. which also kill my stomach but is better then having flavorless water.. that and I made myself some hott tea.. and had a couple more cookies here and there and that's all I had today...
Father won't take me into DDR town because we have no money.. mom said that we need to go to simens tomorrow and get $25 over and go buy food.. hell that aint' gonna buy shit.. SHIT! I just want to go play DDR .. that's all I want.. God.. I've been bored all day.. there is nothing to do here.. just thinking abou there makes me want to cry.. I'm making it more and more clear to my parents that they know NOTHING about me.. NOTHING about how I am.. who I am.. I've decided that I'll do more then my best in school once it starts.. I'll fucking ace EVERYTHING that way.. I can go anywhere I fucking want...
I asked mom what the age was where you can live on your own with your parents concent.. it's at 16.. I'm almost 17 and she said she woudln't let me live on my own, that she already has enough stress... well.. If I get bad enough they'll want to get ride of me.. the'll be forced to. I told mother that I didn't want to live without them but it would be better then living HERE with them.
I think she is finnaly seeing how much I hate it here.

I just know.. that if I try.. to talk about any of this to Jon.. I'll break out in tears.. and I sure as hell dont' want him to see me cry.. I dont' want anyone to see me cry but... .. I just can't stand it...

When I was talking to dad.. I told him that I was more mature then he thought I was.. he asked me how so.. and I told him that I get up on my own and do eveyrthign else without anyoen telling me to.. he said that maturity was doing the dishes and keeping my room clean (i never to the dishes or keep my room clean) and then he said.. in a serious voice.. that i rarely hear but know so well .. "I know... I'm very proud of you. I know you are a good kid. Your actions might be questionable sometimes, but you're a good kid" ... I asked him if he trusted my judgement in friends.. Meaning Jonathin.. I know he knows I'm not stupid.. and I think he does trust my judgment it's just that I'm his only girl now.. really the only child.. but.. he just can't let me go.. because if my judgment was wrong... and he trusted it.. he would feel it was his fault..
Him and my brother are.. acting more like father and son.. they had never been close never getting alone .. only talking when the other was in the way... My brother got a job at Goodyear.. he worked a 7 to 7 just yesterday.. 12 hours.. dad is pround. My brother might quite college and go full time there... he gets paid like $8 or more an hour... ..

All I can think about is Arizona.. and a new house.. new people.. adventure.. education.. Japanese... Music.. Art.. My parents being happy.. having company over.. us going out to eat like we used to... ... just the 3 of us... ... .. and when I think that I can't have that... I just want to throw a fit and cry...

Dad said that I'm up for a rude awakening.. .. I've thought of everythign already.. mom said that there was something I needed to understand... that I needed to understand that they are gettin older and want to have their own house and are comfortable here and dont' want to live in a crowded place.. and this and that.. I just got pissed.. I told her .. 'mom you need to understand that I already know this' I"m not stupid.. i told her that .. my brother and sister had them when they were alot younger then they are now.. back when their bodies could do stuff.. they don't understand how aweful I feel.. having father take me places when I see it exsausts him.. I told her that... and at that point.. I knew I had finnaly gotten to her.. she finnaly realized.. that.. I had nothign here... that they couldn't do anything for me either.. that they needed to let me go.. they can't keep up with me anymore... ..

That's something they have to understand.



...


LATER
Date: May 22, 2004
Time: 2:10 AM
Mood: curious

Guess what! I found a worm on our computer! I thought it was so awesome when I found it. It has it's own little Icon and everything.
I researced it kinda and I most likely got it from e-mail or something.
The file name I found it under was: UPWIZUN
some other bugs I found are: CatRoot which is supposed to be a trojan backdoor, meaning our computer was hacked and it gives that hacker complete access t our computer 24/7. And WAB which is also a worm that gets into Aol Address Book and sends a copy of itself to everyone in it. And anything pss is a worm or something I forgot but we have like 200 and something folders of it -.-' that and WSH forgot what it was but it's a Trojan I think like that WAB was... MAILNEWS which is a worm that When executed, the infected program opens a window entitled Happy New Year 1999 !! and shows a fireworks display to disguise its installation. God that is cool I think.

But yea go to this site and type in a folders name or something you think might be fishy and this'll tell ya about it. Awesome:

http://www.symantec.com/search/

Yea that's it

My eyes are sore.... I'm going to bed.. and I'm hungry...


Ja~

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 20 May :: 1.33 pm
:: Mood: fine/worn out/hot/hungry

God today was fun!

The test was easy first hour and I made a 90 on it. Gay story though. Yea Well after that I decided to play basket ball in the gym instead of working on my yearbook pages so.. I was playing by myself then some others came then Chris, Christian, Jason, Ha-vi-ear? And.. Oh mattie came and played too. We started 21 and I didn't know how to play but I picked up on it. I never made a shot >.< bearly got the ball at all! Mattie was supposed to give the ball to Jason since he was shooting, and he calls everyone a bitch, yea but she didn't cause she didn't know the rules and shot it and then Jason got it and called her a stupid mother fucker and yea his mouth is dirty but I just know there is more to him. But yea, he made it and I got the ball and threw it to him ^^' he said 'Good Bitch' xD ha ha I was happy at that! How weird! But yea.. damn Jason has a nice smooth slinder body... Mmm someone take his shirt off! please!
Then we played 3 on 3 (I was with Chris and Jason T.T they never passed, Chris did once) and Mattie, Haviear and Christain was on the same team (Christain is the thin Indian that cut his lovely long ass hair ;_;) Yea.. damn Christain is so good at playing. I kept kicking the ball from them. The gym was full of people but I payed them no mind. I was playing! and having fun!
Jason said the hell with it since our team was loosing ^^' and said that we were gonna play 21 with tips. Yea.. so anyway I finaly got into it and started to try and get the ball away from mattie at first but she left me after the 3 on 3 and so I was (haviear is really tall, like 6 feet probably and is only in like the 7th grade or something) But I was tring to get the ball from him and was using my feet and he was being so cool about it and yea it was real fun. I kicked it away from him and made it hard. God my ass was sweaty so was Jasons ^^' his shorts were soaked. We'd been playing for probably an hour or so near then. Yea.. but it was so much fun. Chirstian is so damn fast and god everytime I tried to guard him he dribbled it though MY LEGS and scored. It was so much fun playing with them! Chris was cool about it too. Oh Jason had left and it was just me, Chris, Christian and Haviear (3 indians and a white girl) I was so happy they let me play. I made 7 points! The first shot I made was tips by the freethrow line and then it was .. past the 3 point line but before half (volley ball line) and I shot it over my head (backwards) and made it ^^ I can always make shots like that XD well not always but i'm good at it! Yea and god everyone saw it even Jason because I saw him laughign so cute ^^ (eveyone was laughing at how I shoot. I shoot with two hands and just push the ball, it doesn't arch it just goes straight ^^') Yea but I was happy he saw it.
oh ._. while we were playing 3 on 3 Jason pushed me for some reason.. I can't remember why but.. those guys are.. just so cool.. and .. ... I watched Jason yesterday.. it was early after lunch and... he was sitting by himself and I was by amanda and tika (remember?) and .. i was just watching him.. his expression... while no one was around.. .. i can't explain it but once his buddies sat with him it was a whole different face... ..
But anyway... I had (back to our 2nd game of 21) Haviear agaisnt the wall (i had him pinned with my legs and hips) He almost triped and fell backwards! it was awesome! I love these guys... they let me play.. ^^ it was great. I'm not even very good either ^^ But yea.. Jared came along somewhere along the way and I was blocking him and had him up against the same wall and I heard Haviear say (oh he never talks, him and christain don't talk much) 'better watch out when she gets you pinned up against a wall man' lol it was awesome! I had so much fun even if i was sweaty and new my face was really red ^^ I didn't care.
I was blocking christain and anyway I was making sure my had was between my legs so he couldn't dribble it through them and his foot got tangled in mine (these guys were never rough with me, never blocked me either ^^' which I found mean, but they kinda did but only half heartedly) and anyway his shoudler hit mine or something (he's about my hight, maybe shorter) and I fell on my ass hard. lol It was cool, the guys were like 'Dang!' teasing christian for pushign a girl.. heh I told them it was cool since I about triped all of them ^^' with my footwork xD ha ha soccer! But anyway , christian was making his way to me but I got up on my own and I saw his hand outstreached and I guess he was gonna help me aww lol but he's like Fine! and walkede away lol he was just messing but it was cool ^^ Haviear and Christian both steped on my foot, but it was my fault since I was using them to get the ball.
Bell rang for lunch and we all went our sepreate ways and yea.. I guess I played bb from 9:55 to I guess 11:15 or somethign ^^ such fun with those guys! But I scored 7 points! that backwards shoot was 3, free throw was 2 and then another free throw was 2 ^^ cool.
I got Chris's number, I told him I wanted it since this summer I would be playing basketball with some friends in cache (meaning Jon) and yea.. I got his number in my wallet so I can call him whenever.. I skipped lunch cause i wasn't hungry but I am now... damn Jason.. .. god he's hott. ^^',\

LATER
Oh how could I forget! ha ha last time I worked with Jon (tuesday) He explained to me how to grow weed in your closet xD!!! lmao I don't know why I just thought of it (it's 8:30) yea.. ... Jon... ..I want to talk to him for some reason.. ..


Ja...

Close the World |

:: 2004 20 May :: 12.44 pm
:: Mood: content/a bit tired

School.. went odd today. Testing is always fun days ^^',\ my first hour science test was easy ._. I'm glad I studied because I flew though it! (no essay questions might be why ^^') Today we were taking 1,2,3,4, and 5th hour tests. Tomorrow is 6th & 7th period testing. I had to take 1st and 5th. Since 5th was at the end of the day it sucked because you were supposed to go the the gym if you didn't have testing. A hot gym. But being me I went to work on yearbook pages and then buttered up the Superattendent to let me play the piano as long as no one was in there. So I messed around on it for about an hour and played some ball in the gym (with myself lol and then with this girl named Jessica Mitchum or something, a 7th grader. We played softball together, she is cool) 5th hour test wasn't hard either because I studied for it. Tomorrow'll be easy because I have to take 6th and it's first thing and all we are doing is reading seprate stories and answering questions so no studying for it but look at what time it is! I should be in bed -.-'

Oh I drew a cool pic today. It was supposed to be Shoki, my RP character but.. heh.. it isn't how I pictured him.. but damn.. I am getting so much better.. I'm so proud of myself.. but damn.. it took me like almost an hour to draw that pic I did... damn. That's long for me.. I usually never can spend long on something..the head was a bit bigger then it should of been.. I wish we could upload pictures on this damned journal..

Picnic at church... I started walkubg there and Bethany was driving around and picked me up in the school parking lot (I was cutting accross it) then on our way we drove by the appartments to see if brook was outthere.. I dont' know why but yea.. then we stoped by the little gas store and picked up a bag of chips and went on my way. Tables were set up outside and the boys/guys were playing.. jackpot? You throw the ball up into the air and whomever catches it gets to go and throw it? But they weren't playing it right. I sat at the table and watched Aaron for probably.. god.. atleast 20minutes. I was in the shade of a tree and it was just so nice.. having all the kids around and watching Aaron and the others play.. being there not being bothered.. being respected, being said Hi to.. and then.. I thought.. of how'd I miss that.

I picked up the phone at 9 o'clock and called work.. knowing that Jon stays there late.. I didn't even know if he worked tonight.. for some reason I just .. felt like talking to him.. but Amy picked up the phone and I didnt' say anything, I just hung up. ... Stupid... If I call him... damnit.. he keeps saying that I'm the one that started all this that I was the one that asked for his number... yea... ..
.. get to know Jon? ... ... well.. the more I know about him .. the more trouble I'll be in .. the more my gut will hurt with lieing to my parents or to anyone.. saying that I don't know and might.. .. yea.. I don't like to lie.. and I sure as hell don't when I dont' have to...

Mom said.. that she would like to move to Arizona because then on the weekends they could go to Los Vegas -_- ... yea.. I knew that was a factor. ... I'm.. gonna try and find a realitor.. and get her to talk to my parents.. about Arizona and such... I've already requested information about High School Host families ... yea... she hasn't gotten back to me yet..... ...

Tomorrow is the last day of school.. today I told Laura on the computer that.. I wasn't going to this school next year.. I haven't really told anyone else.. they all don't believe me.. ... I don't want to say it.. because.. I dont' want to face that it might relaly happen nor do I want to jinx it but.. if I can't find a host family and if we can't move to Arizona then.. I'm gonna transfer to one of DDR towns schools.. probably MAC the school bethany goes to.. it's a long drive though everyday.. .. .. ... yea..

I'm hungry.. ah.. I need to eat right.. damnit..

Oh.. Martika and Amanda B haven't realy been talking to me.. after lunch I sat with them.. I asked Tika if her mom had asked anything about what had happened... she told me that her mother just asked her what she was gonna do about it.. and I'm like 'what? are you gonna stop being my friend?' and she said that no that wasn't it that she was talking about talkint to me.. I told her that her mother cracked me up.. martika and amanda both woudlnt' look at me in the eye.. i was shocked when martika said 'I was considering it' refuing to talking with me.. cha.. I asked what amanda's mom might thought about it.. and amanda said that her mom just asked if i was punished and when amanda told her that i wasn't... to her knowledge, that her mother was just.. bitched about it..
I never got close to any of them anyway.. they are so weird and.. god.. why don't they worry about how they look? I don't know, maybe I'm just over conceeded... ::shrugs:: fuck, I need to sleep.


Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 19 May :: 11.54 pm
:: Mood: fine/kinda tired

Well just got through having a water fight with my parents ^^'
:) they are so cool.. damn... ... why would I ever complain? God I'm such a bitch. They'd to anything for me.. and I know it.. and I always ask for more... ah.. \

Skip if you don't want the water fight story~
Yea... it started out as me spraying mom with a plant sprayer and then she chased me with a cup of water (she was about to take a bath) then I screamed and ran down stairs (down steps is more like it) and dad was taking off his pants and grabbed his belt and was chasing me (mom went back to the bathroom after I took off running) and so I was screaming and jumped up into the kitchen and was squirting him and dad kept chasing me and so I ran over the couch towards the bathroom (only door with lock on it besides my brothers room) and mom was out in the hallway so I droped the sprayer and ran past my mom and ran inside the bathroom and locked myself in. I turned off her water so I could hear what was going on outside. I opened the door when it got quite and ran across the hall to my room, pushing on the door waiting for someone to try and get in. No one did so I opened it up and saw my mom in the living room so I was walking in the hallway and dad jumped out and squirted me in the face xD! and kept on too! I chased him down and got the sprayer from him (after spraying me a good couple more times that and the house) Then mom joined in and we were all trying to get it and mom grabed it and the top came off and the bottle fell to the floor but didn't spill and she picked it up and dad was holding me back but I managed to kick the bottle. I was wanting the water to spill so she couldnt put the thing back together and spray me. It spilled some but she somehow held onto it. So I squirmed away from dad and grabbed the bottle and mom was trying to pull it away but I pulled it up over her head (I'm taller then her) and it was spilling on her ha ha ha yea I got her then I got it (we are in the kitchen so it's ok cause we have hard floors) and it fell in the sink and I poured the rest out and mom is laughin so hard that she can't overpower me. So yea.. so we are at the kitchen sink right? Well so dad was on my back and mom was on my side so I was pinned to t he sink. So I turned on the water and reached for the hand sprayer thing that is attacted to the sink ^^ that's when mom took off running! Too late for dad though, he tried to grab my wrists but I was too fast and sprayed mom some and then over my shoulder and got him in the face. He did point my wrists away though and I let go but squirmed under his arms and got away. Yep ^^ Walked away and yea.. I went to my room for something and dad got his pills and was going to get his drink in the living room by his chair and mom was on the couch coughing.. and she said 'Buda! Go get me some water, quick!' so .. well you have to understand. My mother smokes and when she gets to coughing she gets to coughing. She rarely EVER needs something to drink however.. so it was a bit fishy but sometimes she does, when she is coughing real bad, so I went to get her some in a bit of a hurry. I grabbed a cup and I turned on the water.. and what mom did was put a hair tie around the sinks spray handle.. -_-+ meaning when I turned on the water to get mom some it sprayed me ^^',\ she's done that before to me.. but.. I heard it when it came on and dodged out of the way... not fast enough though and it got on my shirt just a bit. (I remember now, I went to my room to change clothes because dad got me soaked) yea... well the thing fell off and it didn't spray anymore and I could hear mom and dad laughing in the background (kitchen is right by the living room and there is a breakfast bar.. kinda window thing so you can see right into it) yea.. I filled the cup up and turned around.. glaring at them.. mom was hiding behind dad laughing her ass off. Yep, she had fooled me. Butthead. But anyway, dad took his pills and they were both laughing.. dad walked and mom walked with him, using him as a shield. Anyway, dad walked towards the door and he was comming towards me, thinking he could get the water away I guess that I really wouldnt' dump it on him. (it was just a little kiddie cup) well wrong buddy! I threw some onto his shirt and he looked at his shirt and mom was cracking up. He kept walking forward and I was backing up into the hall. Mom was by the front door, and by the front door there is nothing vauble and there is hard floor near it so perfect area to get wet ^^' I flung the water over my fathers tall figure and got mom! Ha ha! Got her good. Yea but that was the end of it ^^ I won! Ha ha. ~

Now.. for work... Jon.. damn.. I don't understand this... first.. he said.. you know.. no strings attached right? ... And then.. we were working and.. talking and.. he said.. that when he said that.. he was just wanting a one time thing.. that.. he said that he lied to me then.. that he didn't want that.. that he wanted to get to know me. I told him about Arizona and.. he said.. that he would miss me.. that he would miss never getting to know me.. .. .. I said that that's the only thing that I would miss too.. and he said 'oh your friends?' and I said that no, I didn't have any friends (meaning none I would miss) I said that just not having the time to get to know some people.. and he .. hugged me.. just a one hand hug that he was just messing around with, he's done it before, but I put my arm out there this time and hugged him. He's so slim. I think I'm even getting taller/as tall as him ^^' not quite sure though.
He was sweeping and.. he was by my feet and so I moved and he hit me on the butt with the broom softly and that broom is dirty so I looked at my butt to see if it had dirt on it and he's like 'oh my bad' and came over and brushed my butt off -.-' ^^' I'm like 'you just couldn't resist could you?' and he said nope ^^',\ ... >_> but yea.. after that.. Amy had left and.. it was just him and me.. and... he said that I've just seen the bad side of him.. that I haven't seen the good side of him.. he is till trying to get me to hang with him.. always telling me of ideas...
We were sitting down at the booth talking.. and mom called but we let it ring because we thought it was jakita but I called my mom right away afterwards and told her that I was doing the dishes and thought Jon would get it but was out taking out the trash and I couldnt' get the phone because my hands were wet.. yea.. it worked. I sat back down.. all nervous because I didn't know if dad was gonna show up early or wait for my call... .. but.. Jon was tired.. so was I.. and.. we just sat there.. not talking for a bit and he laid down and I put my head on the table.. and we were just like that for awhile.. it was nice.. dad came and.. I got up and went to refill my drink.. he said ... 'I want to hug and kiss you goodbye.. i mean.. just hug.. i mean.. I could do both but.. whatever you konw? I dont know Buda.. I mean.. I want to get to know you .. you know? .. But I mean.. is this just a one sided feeling?' and.. he said something along that line and.. I couldn't believe my ears. He had cooled it all last week and.. now today.. he.. it was like before.. damn he must be lustin something bad. I said.. 'I dunno.. i'm not sure.. ' and.. when to the counter by the booth with my drink were he was stading and we were out of sight of my father, we weren't by any windows. And.. he just looked at me.. and he had.. brown eyes.. he wears contacts sometimes so sometimes they are green and aqua and.. yea.. but.. he just looked at me.. for like 8 seconds (which seemd like 5 minutes to me!) and I looked away and said Jon! and pushed his head away and he just said what and went back to looking and i had my cup on the counter and he was still looking at me and I said I couldnt have guys stare at me in the eyes, that i had to look away and so I picked up a menu with my left hand and put it against his face and his hand covered mine on my cup and.. yea.. then he put his head down (he got his hair cut btw) and hes like like 'oh Buda' hes' always saying that.. and I took a sip of my drink and .. I let my left hand touch his hair >.> and let my fingers run down his neck and over his head ^^' scalp massage xD naw it wasn't a massage i was just ... yea.. it didn't last long. Dad had been waiting for like a minute or two so I was gettin into gear. He lifted his head.. and just looked at me.. and.. yea.. he said that he (this was before when we were sitting down) needed to stop smoking and... stuff.. that he would for me in others words since he said 'so i can get to know you'.. and.. brook.. smoked weed and did drugs before he met bethany and stoped when they dated.. but since his mother died.. bethany told me that he'll go out and get drunk.. thinking no one cares about him... yea.. that is sad.. .. Brook...
But JON! .. god.. ^^ I love guys hair xD

Yea.. today was an awards assembly at school. I got 4 awards.. ask if you care to know what they are.

I have to take tests tomorrow so Thrusday will be my last day of school.

The trip was fun.. I'll have to tell that story later.. don't let me forget. But I have to rub my mother now.. oh.. this is .. just it amazed me.. mother told me that I better start calling these colleges in AZ to see if I could get a scholarship.. does this mean she is considering it? I talked to dad and.. he said that.. he didnt' want to move, him nor mom. I think they just think they can't sell the house.. and I'll tell you this.. it's gonna be fucking hard to sell this house, but if it's really meant to be then.. it'll sell. I told them that I could stay with a Host family in AZ till they had the time to move out there.. well told dad anyway.. but yea.. .. I want to get to know Jon too... I told him that that would be cool.. god he speak with his eyes so much.. .. there is just something about him.. he hasn't shown me anythingt o fear yet.. but.. I only konw one side of him.. I'm not sure if I want to get close enough to see any other sides... ...

...


Ja~

6 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 16 May :: 6.46 pm
:: Mood: fine

No church today.

Had our pagent picnic. We showed up an hour and a half after 1, which is when it was supposed to start. It usually starts at 2.. but someone had changed it without notifying us.
I ended up talking to two 41 year old males and an old women the whole time we were there (2 hours) The guys were in the army, well one got out in 92, the other was still in the Army and had been to Japan. I had a good time talking with them.

Now.. for Friday's work.

No butt hitting friday! I was so proud of him! That and Bethnay came by to make sure I was staying outta trouble and yea.. she was gonna give me a ride and my mom okayed it and so.. (Martika's father was parked outside.. I thought he was watching me, to make sure I wasn't running off but then Martika's mother came there in a different car and.. I guess they were meeting up.. I dunno) I was all washing and Beth said that Brook got off of work in like 5 minutes.. so.. yea I was tring to hurry and then she said 'well i'm leaving' (brook works by the highway, at the trading post. it's a gay store/restrant') i was done except for washing the weights, i forgot about them. i asked jon if he would and he said.. he would (after giving me a hard time -.-'+) so yea.. but when i said thanks.. .. our eyes met or whatever and.. yea it was.. ::cough:: yea.. ^^',\ but anyway xD beth was like 'i'll just go see him and come back (to give me time to finish up) and i'm like 'no no i'm comming' and she's like 'you wanna see brook don't you' and i'm like yea lol and she said that she told him i thought he was cute xD! but anyway we went over there and to the back and .. he came to the car.. god she so trips over her words when takling to him! god.. it was so good to see brook.. his eyes.. ^^ damn but then he said that i should go out with lance xD lance and him are like best friends and xD he was telling me he had heard so many rumors about me and argh! he always tries to get to you (beth told me and i've found it out on my own) and.. god he did get ot me.. grr.. but yea.. it was cool. we all talked for like 40mins with him leaning in though herside window.. but... Brook.. damn.. they.. like each other so much... and i can see that.. bethany.. is too young for such a relationshp and doesn't know how to show her feelings towards him and doesn't know how.. to accept his feelings for her.. and he.. god.. he just loves her so much.. i can see it.. .. .. god.. i just... want to get to know brook in a way that bethany can't.. ...

But yeps that's about what happened.

Tomorrow is the School Field trip.. I boght me a black tank top with fish net over it to wear as a top and yea.. I'm just gonna be in a tank and shorts for tomorrow... ....

.. I wonder when my piano book will come in... oops I still have a 400-500 word essay to write about romeo and juliet....

...

Hiei and Jahreee... if you guys aren't planning on paying for your journal accounts.. then I'll pay for both of you... that is if you guys will still post in it.... .. GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS YOU CAN because the dead line is the 22nd... so.. hurries ok?


..


Ja~

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 13 May :: 9.56 pm
:: Mood: fine

I've got a 92 in math! She just graded all my work and averaged it for me ^^ wow I'm so fucking happy! Damn, I'm lucky we have such a cool math teacher.

I'm reading a new book called 'Flipped' It's about.. well Hell I'll got get it and .. this is what the back says:
~The first time she saw him, she flipped. The first time he saw her, he ran.
And from the second grade to the seventh, that's how it was. She says: "My Bryce. Still walking around with my first kiss." He says: "It's been six years of strategic avoidance and social discomfort."
But int he eighth grade, their views of the world-and each other- turn upside down. He says: "I'd spent so many years avoiding Juli Baker that I'd never really looked at her, but now I couldn't stop." And she says: "I felt a cold, hard knot tighten in my heart. I was through with Bryce Loski."
Is there hope for happiness in junior High?
Have you flipped?
~
That's what it says. It's really cool so far. First it's how he sees things happen then it's how she sees things happen.. changes character views.. it's pretty annoy/cool.

Monday is our school field trip.. I need to get to that tanning bed and need to go buy me a tank top and some shorts for swimming. Hell, with the weather we've been having we might get rained out.

It's been wonderful the past couple of days.. Me just laying outside with my bird.. I was outside with it yesterday for like over an hour.. taking pictures and just laying in the grass... looking up at the sky .. and watched the sun set and thought about how in Japan that maybe just then the sun was raising... I thought of how... I wouldn't be able to in Japan just lay on the grass and look up at the sky.. .. how.. that maybe.. in Arizona.. I wouldn't be able to lay on the grass.. and hear the wind in the trees... and see a clear sky...

... I... just don't know what to say when it comes to Jon.. I want.. to ..... have it easy at work.. but.. god I need to stop.. I dont' need to be drinking either.. but.. if he does bring something to work... I'll drink it. and.. tell him no more.. heh.. god.. I need to get myself straight.. .. yea..

.. I still have people comming up to me and asking if... I'm going out with Lance.. ..

... Brook.. I still want to get to know him.. ever since I've seen him.. his eyes .. it just seems like he wants someone to serectly discover how he really is... If I did move to Arizona... I'd miss.. I'd miss the chance to get to know him... and then Bethany.. her.. and then Jeff and Aaron.. and how here.... it's just.. a family.. all the Indians.. it's just.. so nice.. .. I'd miss it... .. but.. I was willing to.. leave it all behind... and just rush forward.. I should think more about it.. but.. I'm an impatient child.. .. I want to go now.. and forget about here... .. but.. I can't.. not without getting to talk to Brook.. ..

I know I'm just jinxing this all.... .. .. fuck.. you guys are telling me to shut up already huh?


Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 12 May :: 11.31 pm
:: Mood: content

Well... I had.. an all too awkward talk.. with Jonny boy...

before i forget, i was washing an ashtray and it was cracked and i was washing it and it sliced my finger ^^' my middle left finger xD ha ha like 3 spots! God I couldn't believe it and the damn thing bleed real well too! God it didn't even hurt but damn that blood ^^',\ was cool xD yes shut up! Anyway, our first aid kit only had an ankle wrap so I put some duck tape around my finger ^^' jon helped me with the tape...

... to skip though it all.. we both pretty much addmited that it has all just been a game to each of us... that Jon.. wanted.. well thought of us having sex... .. .. though this whole talk.. I was just... triping over every other fucking word... ... He apologized for not letting me talk before... ...

He... was saying.. why deny my body and shit.. and that he was... kinda scared when he was taking me back to Beesons because.. he could of been in a LOT of trouble.. since of the age difference ^^',\
.... yea.. but... i was at the sink.. and.. I asked him.. why he had held my hand... and. he said.. because it felt good.. and.. still ... it's like 'why not?' to him.. even though there is that age difference .. he says that he doesn't look at age.. and.. sex.. and that contact and all he wanted... I knew it from the start.. i just.. wanted.... to see.. if I could have a different physical relationship with him.. just friends but.. him not always trying to make a move on me... ::sigh:: yea.. but anyway.. he came up to me.. and ... his hand .. well really his finger tips started at my shoulders and went up and down my back.. and then... he's like 'tell me this doesn't feel good, tell me you don't want this'.. and.. it keep going lower.. and he ::clears throat:: went over my ass some too >.> and his eyes.. they.. were so different... and h was close... real close.... and.. I said ... 'stop it'.. softly.. and he kept going.. I didnt resist.. and... he said 'do you really want me to stop?' and I said.. yes that i was sure and told him to stop again.. and.. he did... .. I was dissapointed I had to tell him twice. We talked the whole time we was there... we worked with Megan .. that new girl.

again... later on he said.. that... .. he makes the moves.. or whatever and he got the vibe that I .. wanted the same as him.. just.. a benifical thing.. no strings attached.. that.. that was the best kind of thing.. why not like it?... and he.. said that .. he makes the moves on me and I give him these looks but dont' make any moves back!.. God I cracked up at his face... h aha.. so cute.

He asked me.. if .. I wanted to stop talking to him.. and I said no nothing like that.. just.. well ... and then he said.. so you want me to stop.. (his eyes were always running over my body... grr.. ) and he was talking about my butt and I'm like 'well you could find a different way to say hi then a pat on the ass' and he's like 'like what am i suposed to say?' and i simply replyed 'hi' .. yea... he said... ... what if i give you a kiss? and.. i'm like "jon! we are supposed to keep things cool! not move them up!' and he's like 'hey' and shruged all smirking... yea.. we said.... well I said.. that we could keep it as it was... but.. .yea.. and anyway. .. i'm like.. 'be blunt and tell me what you think about this.. us' and he said.. 'well i guess since after all this happened i ain't getting no sex outta ya' ^^' god... yea.. but.. we talked.. and talked.. yea... then some dude came and helped jon out.. jon helped me alot.. he always does..god i have it so easy there ^^' I told jon to bring some drinks next time we work together.. that should be friday.. no more working saturdays... i hope...
Dad got there before i even called... .. yea.. heh.. ...
...

Still doing research about this arizona thing.. dad said if we could find a house that he doesn't have a problem moving...

my bother.. is about to get himself kicked out.. he thinks he is always right... my mother is afraid of him i can tell.. i wish he would hit me.. so .. he could get kicked out.. bastard.. even if i am his sister he is 19 .. i could call the cops on him for harassment...

... ... i'm taking someones advice.. they told me to talk to my parents.. sit and listen to them without saying a word.. ask them the question of what they want me to do with my future... .. i will ask them.. once i get a good paycheck i'll take them out ot eat.... ..

.. i'm paying jessica to do my school work ^^' my yearbook pages XD god i hate that class... yes but .. $5 a page.. damn.. i don't know when i can pay her.. I just bought a $36 piano book.. anyone go to hiei's site and listen to his legend of mana theme thing.. it's in that book i bought and i'll learn how ot play it ^^

I gave dad $16... that was all my paycheck... ah.. on the 17th is our school field trip.. .. i'll have no money for it.. ... wow.. i have to get off to rub my mother .... ..

... i layed outside with my bird in the night.. for like 40 minutes..... ... i love gunnies.. ... i like those birds... i love the night.. but.. i'm so scared of being out there in the dark without protection that i'm constantly looking around and never relax... .. i was thinking of jon.. and how. ... i wish he was there.. i wondered if he would just lay there with me... looking at hte sky and not tring to hump me -.-'

... jon... ... arizona... ...

I'm still looking up schools and stuff.. i requested a booklet but the lady said to contact another area for it.. so.. i e-mailed them today.. and if they don't reply.. i have their number and i guess i'll have to call them long distance... ...

....



Ja~

5 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 10 May :: 9.33 pm
:: Mood: fine

I thought somebody would of commented on that other journal entry by now, how dissapointing.
Well, I met this guy online who in 2001-2003 was in Japan on a scholarship. He gave me a link to a sight and... there are schools in CA and AZ for this program.

I'm looking into Tempe, AZ.

Mother says if she can get time off of work.. that we might go visit the town and check things out.

Their population is around 158,625. I've viewed picutres of the town and it's wonderful. A real tourist attraction.

Me and Anton had a talk today after bible study... I told him I wasn't christian and he seemed surprised but understood. I asked him what he planned on doing when he turned 18 and grew up... he said he would go to college... I asked him where.. and he said the little college in DDR town... heh.. he said that he loves this place, finnaly at a school where he doesn't get beat up, made fun of and has friends. ....

I havent told him about this Arizona thing yet.. I'm planning to though.

He was across the street when my mother was yelling at martika's father tring to figure out where I was... I told him about it... and Jonathin.... .. Anthony.. he .. is a good friend. He told me that him and Amanda G have talked about sex, children, marriage and alota shit... .. .. I told him he's setting himself up for a huge fall.. he told me to stop depressing him ^^'.. ..
.. I told him we are young.. but he says he doesn't want to loose Amanda G.. .. ...

... I want to move to AZ this summer... so I can start 10th grade at one of their high schools. 10th grade is usually the grade where you can start a scholarship... ...
...

.... ..


Ja~

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 8 May :: 12.15 pm
:: Mood: ...

Bethany came to check up on me and Rosy, her cousin, was with her. I was drinking but only had half a bottle of a wine cooler so it wasn't much. She .. was really worried...

My parents and my friend's parents were out looking for me.

I was caught.. and I now see... how Jon really is... ...



...

Close the World |

:: 2004 7 May :: 2.32 pm
:: Mood: fine/kinda tired

I really don't feel like typing but tonight is the night.. ..

Woke up early (8:20) to go with my fater to the bank which is like close to or is an hour away from here.
When to a loan shark -_- even with the tax money we got we are still getting loans to get bills paid.. ok it really wasn't really a loan shark but they charge intrest so it's the same.
Went to the mall so I could buy a book before the drive and Waldens wasn't open yet becaues Michael sleep late and so we went for a game of DDR and was gonna go back after one game. Someone called my name 'Buda' behind me and it was a little girls voice.. a little girl by the name of Kylee ^^ my neice! Her and matt was at the mall.. yea.. so me and matt played and kylee was at his feet so .. it really didn't work well. I played I Do I Do I Do song on standard and missed 6 and he was on beginner and missed 60 ^^' lol
Yea then the little devil came up and started playing with the buttons and I didn't have a chance to go down to light so I had like 7 feet, still on standard, while kylee picked a funky ass song.. yea..
After that Waldens was open, talked to micheal for a bit bought FAKE vol. 7 and Demon Diary vol. 7 -.-' why did I buy vol. 7 of Demon Diary when I haven't got vol. 6 yet? ^^' Stupid is why.
Ah.. lets see.. vol. 7 of FAKE isn't.. what I expected it to be but I guess I can't say it's dissapointing.. except the ending kinda sucks... and.. I dont' see where avril lavine comes in.. I'm gonna send some mail to Tokyopop complaining for using HER in the fricking manga ¬_¬ they could've used Malice Mizer or Gackt or Dir en Gray or along THAT line -_-+ that and at the begining of the book there were typos -.-'
^^',\ yea.. .. did a bit more.. like.. went yard saling.. and we found an antique sale and there was a piano for sale and I went and just started playing on it ^^' I didnt' even ask. But it was a piece of SHIT! Some keys didn't work and on of the main keys for Fur Elise when you pressed it down it stayed down so everytime I'd come to it I'd have to pull it up then press it back down. It sucked. It was out of tune by far too. They wanted $150 ha.
Got back into DDR town and ate and then went to the Korean store.. and got home.. I'm bout to go crash in my room.. I woke up too early for it to not be a school day.
Oh picked up the Avon yesterday.. the lady was so so nice. So sweet... and her house was so beautiful! God it looks so expensive on the inside! I bet that wallpaper was atleast a thousand a wall! She has a heart moniter on aswell.. it's sad. But yea.. ahh I love my Haiku ^^ xD smells so damn good! I got the perfume and powder, lotion, and body wash. ^^ a set. ;p
Mothers day is sunday.. ahh.. and tonight I'm gonna miss Hellsing and Street Fighter ll -_- .. .. oh well..

Damn.. I will tell Jon tonight.. .. I will.. I have to.. what all am I gonna say? I just haven't figured out yet... ..

I want to rp with a guy I met yesterday.. he isn't on.. he's 26 and male is all I know... ah..

Brother called.. at 1:30 this morning just to tell mom he wasn't comming home... .. I wonder what that ass is up to.. bastard.. mom had early shift.. meaning she had to be at work at 3:50 am.. she said she couldn't get back to sleep after he called and she fell asleep at 11:20! .. .. he pisses me off so much...



Ja~

PS THE RP
*The loud tires scratch halted within front of the old apartment building as the car came to what he always considered a stop. Then kicking the door open as his form escaped within stance, he'd lifted a half lighted cigarette upon soft lips before shutting the door within gloved hand. The sounds of rather annoyed yells coming from the trunk of the car as he'd sigh then stepping towards it before plainly sitting to it puffing another drag from the cigarette. Moments soon passed as the sounds continued
from the truck before two police cars came within reach of the same site. The tall blonde remained aside the truck taking to a soft drag again as one hand held to his arm which had the cigerette. Those strands were within half tie to his mid back while wearing a simple half worked dress shirt and pants, the tie hanging within the winds balance as another flicked of ashes was given. A few officers stepping from the cars moving towards him as he then slapped the truck of the car again soon stepping away from the car all together. Watching as they pulled the man from the truck, and listened to his kicking and screaming of rights as K would then move to shut the car trunk now. One of the officers giving K a sheet of paper as he stood there* "Give this to the rep tomorrow and you'll get your money, take it easy K" A soft nod given to the cop before K flicked the cigarette away then making his way towards the apartment buildings main entrance now*
::walking along the streets, having heard tires screeching, Shoki continues walking his normal pace, which was rather slow. Carrying a small black plastic bag full of food he wears blue jeans with a white tee; hair blowing gently in the wind he sighs, turning a corner he sees some vehicles drive away:: That's different.. ::he murmured to himself:: its' right in front of the apartment building... ::black leather straps were wraped around his right wrist, wears small mood ring on right hand ring finger; red sneakers, old chain necklace that makes a small chime noise when he binds down or such::
*He'd listened to that soft sound coming rather close before turning his features to the side waving that long blonde tail across his shoulders letting ocean blue eyes capture the figure coming closer to the building. The curving his lips a bit as he recalled seeing the kid around before as he'd then let his hand grasp to the gate to the main door unlocking it before entering. Turning a bit to grasp the door as he'd watched the kid come closer yet keeping his silence as he'd put his keys back within his
(what kind of apartments is this place? ^^' I was gonna have shoki live there but the way you are making it sound I dunno if shoki has enough money xD)
coat side now. That soft tone escaped as he'd peered towards him* A bit late to be running around huh? Lot of crazys in this area. *Though K had pretty much kept to himself normaly, he seemed a bit more open to him then most as he saw within this place*
(Low cost place, the gate is just for the front to let you in the building to get to the stairs, not a nice city so a gate was needed, lol..sorry for not clarifying.)
(no problem, domo) ::clearing his throat he slows down as he hears a voice; slowly raising his gaze he sees a familer blonde man; blue eyes met the others; K being on the right shoki almost came to a stop as he spoke, keeping his voice flat::Yea, I guess so ::rasied a brow at the other::
*Chuckled softly as he let the old gate close behind Shook, then turning a bit to watch as he walked by* Nothing like being personable. .....you need help with any of that? *Lifted a hand aside his features pushing strands back as he'd stepped towards him a bit* Seems like you walked a good ways or that is pretty heavy?
(lmao, Shook? ::continues to chuckle:: )
(*slaps self*)
::mumbleing thanks as he walked though the gate; had kept his gaze on K's movements as he walked past the other. There was one thing K said that was true, there were alot of crazies and you couldn't be too open about trusting a stranger around here, even if you had seen them before; moves the bag to his other had that was away from K:: I've got it ::reaches in his back pocket heading for the stairs, his pace even as he walked away from the other, noticing that he had taken a step towards him:: ( ::an amused smirk creeps onto face:: )
*Sighed softly under his breath as he'd watched him step away let alone switch the bag from his grasp, he'd known exactly why he'd reacted as such recalling how many times he'd done just the same himself back then. He did not want to upset the kid however it none-the-less annoyed him* Look kid....I'm not some case all right.....you don't need to snap shut like that....besides.....*Blinked as he cell went off quickly fumbling to pull it from his coat as he spoke* Hello....what is it.........*lightly narrowed
his eyes a bit as he continued* Hey.....that's my money, I caught the bastard.......it's mine, just beacuse he's some fed's choice is not my problem....no....wait.....*He'd then closed the phone after being hung up on just flinging it across the hall* oh.....hell!! *Sighed leaning his back to the wall as hands lifted within his strands covering his face for the moment* great......this is perfect....all that time for nothing..

::slowed and glanced over his shoulder as the other had begun to talk, looking the mans body over briefly since he had never been this close to him, he noted that he could smell the others cologn; he was used to being called kid but he narrowed his eyes at what followed after that; his mouth opened as if to say something but his face went surprised as a cell phone rang and he only watched the other search for it for a second before making a loud 'cha' noise and turning around, picking up his pace once again, decideing to ingor the man since he was rather hungry and had to pee; he began to climb the stairs, hearing all of what the man said on the phone and jearked his gaze down the steps as he heard the cell slide down the hall; making anothe cha-noise he continued to walk upstairs, his room being on the thrid floor; he perposly let his shoes make loud noises as he walked::

Note: his Character is K from Gravitation, my character is original... plus I'm working on a pic for his profile ^^

Close the World |

:: 2004 6 May :: 7.31 am
:: Mood: calm/hungry

For those of you whom only read the first post (thinking it's the only new entry) read on down below this one aswell.

... Jon.. I called this morning like at 6:34... Jakita answered the phone.. (just like yesterdays call) ... .. he.. said.. that Jakita .. questioned him about me calling him.. she knows it's me. .. Crap right? Jonathin said.. that he didn't say anything... to her.. I already made up an excuse.. I'll tell Jon tomorrow.. god.. He... also said something about that party Saturday... he.. was saying it like if I was gonna go for sure... since I told him that I could stay however long Friday.. but now.. I don't .. think it's such a good idea because of Jakita.. I'm thinking of were we could go but... .. I'm too scared to go anywhere with him... with.. Jon...

Mom might take me and friends into town today..since she may or may not work.. .....

Yesterday.. Beth also said that.. her and Brook have ... alot in common. She said that they both don't know their fathers and that their mothers didn't want to let either one of them go..

School... I better finish eating.. ..

...

Close the World |

:: 2004 5 May :: 10.33 pm
:: Mood: fine

shut up and just read on
Today was interesting. Very I guess I could say.
Woke up at 7:00 and called jon.. heh we talked for like 20. He said.. thanks for calling... I couldn't believe it.. he asked if we were still on for friday and that sonny is having a b-day party comming up that's gonna be a party then kinda a sleep over.. yea. in other words wake up and have hang overs all together ^^' I said I most likely wouldn't be able to go... I.. I woudln't want to .. I woudlnt' want to be around drugs.. and.. drunks.. smoke.. no... that's not for me.
Today.. rumors ... Kellie ran up to me this morning on my way to eat and asked if I was going out with Lance. Whoa right? I said no and asked who told her that I was. She pointed to a girl named Jessica Kidd (whom I'd like to see leave this earth) who said Missy told her.... or atleast somethign like that. God I hate kellie and jessica.. ah dont' get me started on that wanna be slut. Argh... Kellie is in my grade and Jessica.. is like a little puppy that wants to be just like kellie who's in 8th or something I think.. kellie said that jessica went out with him before.. cha.. sickening.
So 5th hour came and I asked Missy if I was dating Lance. She said that's what she heard. That she heard it from a girl who has a friend who has a friend that has a friend that knows Lances sister, who told her, and that Lance told his little sister... yea... so.. Yea...
Lunch .. on my way to the store during lunch... I was asked again by these friggin 7th and 8th graders. I was asked like 4 times!
So weird.. yes but anyway... through the whole day it was people asking me if I was going out with Lance -.-' so of course when I got home I just couldn't wait till church.
Jon didn't call... I called Anton and had him call Jon's ex's number to tell him to call.. but... he didn't answer... yea..
Good news about friday -_-+ and bad. Fricking Hellsing is comming on the Action channel at 8 and of course i work till like 9 something... yea.. well the episodes i haven't seen start at 9:30 but I'm gonna have some drinks with jon so.. ::sigh:: i'm gonna miss it oh and last night i was watching street fighter ll and that is comming on after hellsing friday too! So great timing right? Yea.. and Amy's birthday is Friday and the party (sleep over with just us friends) is gonna be at Sandras house so .. friday .. I can stay with Jon as long as I want since i'm gonna be over at Sandras ^^!
.. Yea.... was bored out of my mind.. so.. I smoked one of my dads cigerates -.-' I dont' smoke.. only when I'm deathly bored -_- and i just keep it in my cheeks so ^^' heh it doesn't really count >.>
Now.. for church! It was lances birthday today ^^ heh good he's finnaly 16 xD ha ha .. yea but anyway I sat infront of him on purpose.. I asked him about it and was wondering too because missy called him around 5 so apprently it's not missy nor lance who's spreading the rumor... (me and bethany was talking about it and brook was there on the phone last week, wednesday when we went to beesons, lance, me and beth, yea.. and he was on the phone so it's apprently him. Beth will talk to him about it later) Yea.. oh.. his nails are cut ;_; -_- he told me that one broke so he had to chop them all... .. yea... poor poor nails..
... Lance.. gave me.. an .. expressionless look.. his eyes... god... it was weird..
But anyway, second half we went up to the other building (we was in the basement) and I sat next to lance because beth made me -.- and anyway.. victor (aaron's g-pa/dude that talks to us.. does the lesson)said a verse and I didn't hear him so I asked him to repeat it since he asked a question about it and no one was answering and .. he started to read it again and lances bible slide over towards me and lance was sharing his bible with me (i never bring one) and... .. just.. wow.. I didn't ask or anything.. .. and.. heh we exchanged looks every now in then.
Afterward lance walked off from everyone (went on the other side of the building) so I followed -.-' dispite how'd it look. And I said happy birthday to him and he told me that jonathin had asked him if we were going out too cause he saw us talking at chruch... I dunno how he saw us.. .. but.. that is.. werid... but yea.. kellie saw us -_-+ since when does she go to chruch? Yea.. talking.. just by ourselves and when lance walked off she bounced over to me and i'm like NO! Knowing what she was gonna ask and she asked anyway all fricking happy and shit and had another wanna be kellie with her that's in 7th grade. God.. stupid ass blonde girls ::is a true blonde herself:: yea.. anyway.. to get to the.. part of the day I really care about...
Beth went to the next town where i work at... damn I can't call it that... Ok we'll call that town Bulldog Town ^^' and then the town with DDR in it I'll call... ... ... DDR town ^^' xD Yea you have to go past bulldog town to get to DDR town. but anyway she had to go to bulldog town because she had to get gas and wanted to talk to brook.
We all remember who brook is right? Yea.. tall indian guy I liked who's 20 and ya ya beths ex, but he wants to get back together and .. yada yada.
We talked about him. we always do. She .. says she is over him and that i can have him... but.. I know.. that.. she needs him.. and he for sure needs her. Anyway ... she said that i'm like the only other girl that she knows of that thinks he's kinda cute (she thinks he's kinda cute i think he is CUTE lol and i make that clear to her ^^') and that.. it just surprises her. but yea... we went by brooks house (well were he stays) and talked with beths best friend who's like 24 or something.. chrisy? whatever but yea.. and.. anyway.. on the trip home (we really did get gas, and she had her yearbook and she goes to a rich school in DDR town but lives here so it's like a 45 min drive if not more a day, and she made me sign it.. ) .. she.. said that.. she was happy that someone else liked brook and that i have to get to know him more.. that she is gonna sit him and me down and make us talk so i can understand him more.. that .. she wants someone else to worrie about him too.. since he needs it. She says that he thinks no one cares about him.. but that people really do and that he just doen't see it.. shit.. i've always wanted to get to know brook.. .. oh beth.. wasn't .. upset about the asking for a ride thing... she's just not gonna be around stuff like that she told me.. that's cool. I'm glad she's not mad.
She cares about brook.. she was.. well saying stuff about who brook said she was her life.. and.. how they had plans.. that when she goes to college.. that he was gonna go with her.. that.. that is really awesome.. but she .. said she doesn't know if she got bored with him or what but just doesn't like him thta way anymore.. but.. i know .. she .. likes him.. and worries constantly about him.. i just... want.. to be part of it.. i want to be part of something.. . and bethany.. is.. god she's such a good girl.. and .. i mean she is just clean.. and.. she wont' make up lame excuses not to go smoke or drink or whatever, she's fucking be blunt.. and... its' just.. great.. she is.. god.. a good friend I hope.
I want to get to know brook.. .. i want.. to clear this thing up with jon...
Lance might come by friday.. to my work to say hi... god.. I don't knwo what the fuck is gonna go on friday.. I need.. to set shit straight with jon.. i have to.. he.. .. ah..
That math test lasted an hour and a half. It was .. easier then I thought, I really knew how to do some problems I was so pround of myself, but god there was like veryother question I ddn't know lol so I about didn't know.. umm... I'd say.. 9/16 of the test.. maybe a bit more since it was graphing and.. lines and shit.. yea.. I didn't know any of it ^^' lol I was just filling in the thrid circle for the ones I didn't know >.< xD ha ha ..
Today.. all chris was talking about was sex ^^' damn.. he is.. really.. .. getting.. sex talkie with me ._.... xD ha I had my head down sleeping and jared was beside me and his thigh came up against mine and i know he likes me ick.. but i'm like 'jared, is that your thigh against mine?' and i didn't move i just had my head in my arms and chris is like 'no it's my dick' and xD god just on and on about that shit. and DREW ! Drew! (this ohter guy.. all druggies.. bloods (a gang) yea.. LD peeps) drew is (not drew and tammny, drew a student drew) like in the hallways he'll poke me in the sides or something. Drew is really tall btw ^^' heh.. xD everytime I ask him for money he says he doesn't have any -.-' they're so cheep.

Oh yea.. got home and mom and dad or bro were'nt home.. ^^' heh.. didn't get back till like.. before 6 i guess... yea.. mom gave me.. $20... .. .. ::shrugs:: I guess my cell will just be put off and off...
Waldends called and two of my books are in... I'm hoping FAKE vol. 7 ^^ it's rated M so xD I'm guessing it's in because my dad said that the guy said one was rated R and that he'd have to buy it for me ^^' he didn't ask about it.. .. i'm not gonna break his trust... ..

.. yea.. ok i'll shut up...
.. god did you read all of this anyway?


or just are you reading this part?


Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 4 May :: 10.11 pm
:: Mood: happy/bit sore
:: Music: Jay and Silent Bob strike back -that fuck song

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 3 May :: 9.42 pm
:: Mood: happy/a bit tired/happy/excited

Ok.. just two seconds ago this happened. My fucking brother went to his room with his food and spilt it on himself in the hallway and it was hot and he was all fucking f-this f-that and cursing and yelled for mom to get him a towel and ran to the bathroom and was yelling at mother that it was her fault because the bottem of the plate was greasy and it was her f-in fault and .. omg.. I hate him! What the fucking hell! Bastard! AHH! My dad is way stressed out and can't stand how my brother talks to my mother, yells at my mother, but he can't do a thing because mother protects him.... fucking bastard... she.. she just ... ahh she says I talk to her just as fucking bad.. .. ASSHOLE! GODDAMN HIM! .. he went to the kitchen to get a towel or something and said it was her fucking fault to just fucking own up to it. .. said that she just ruined his shirt and.. argh bastard.. he said more about it being her fault.. and.. f-in.. eveything.. bastard.. ah..... i wish.. someone would teach him a lesson.. .. something.. something just donged on me.. .. ... jonathin.. is a drug dealer.. (a pretty big one at that) and.. he.. can.. get someone to beat up my brother.. teach him a lesson.. .. .. ... ..

... my mother just asked me what i wanted her to do about my brothers actions... .. i told her slap him.. then she said 'he would probably hit me back' and.. she said 'then him and your father would get into a big fight, do you want that to happen?' ... .. bastard... ... bastard.

... Now... back to how my mood was!

I told .. tika about my plan today at school and she said it wouldn't work.
So I called Jon just... before I got on here. ^^ at work. I know he stays there late so I knew I would get ahold of him. The line was busy and I knew he was talking on the phone. So.. I kept calling back and got through... ...
Yea but anyway.. to get to it.. he was.. saying that .. I could call before school... when he works mornings.. to have someone else call and ask for him (since they know my voice) and then talk to him.... .. he wants me to call wednesday... since he works early. Yea.. he doesn't work with me tomorrow.. .. I work with sonny I guess... .. ::sigh::.. .. I wanted to see jon... .. but anyway to move on... He was also saying that he wanted me to get a ride into cache right then.. (dustin was with him) yea.. I said I couldn't. He said 'isn't that what you teens do? make up excuses' yea.. I couldn't get out this late if I tried ^^' lol unless they talked to their parents xD but anyway... He said.. that if I went into town.. and needed to get ahold of jon.. and the only way would be to call his ex.. was.. to have.. a guy call then had the phone to me.. he said that would be the only way.. .. .. yea.. I said .. ok.. or whatever.. and he said that it was cool that i understood that.. .. dont' want his ex getting jealous.. over a girl callign right? Might kick him out.. .. yea.. .
Now to move on.. he said 'oh ok well i should get crusing' and i said 'wait' and he said ok.. like.. just.. an ok.. like.. he didn't mind at all.. yea.. but i said 'bring a dacory friday' (it's when i work with him, and... i know i spelt it wrong) and he's like a bit laughing.. then said 'oh oh oh.. dacories? so do you want me to go to a bar and bring one? or..' and I was just laughing a bit.. all grinning (oh mom walked in while i was talkin to him too.. heh i said i was amanda... .. god I coudlnt' think ofher name either.. jon was cracking up on the other end.. damn loudly too! i was so afraid my mom would hear him!) .. but anyway 'or do you just want me to bring the stuff to make one?' and .. I.. couldn't say no 'yea sure' .. so.. he's like 'yea.. cool... make ya something sweet that you'll like' and i'm like ... all heh'n on the other end.. yea.. grinning like frickin hell man.. yea.. then he's like 'dont' make no plans for afterwards though' and i was .. just.. god.. lol i was still heh'n.. yea.. but i said 'al-alright' was heh'n inbetween lol yea 'nothing strong' heh.. he said sure that he'd make it weak... .. xD GOD I CAN'T WAIT! AND HOW MY BROTHER JUST ACTED JUST ENCOURAGES ME TO ... to.. ... do more.. with jon.. ..
.. .. I'm not sure if bethany will give me a ride home.. ... i'll talk to her.. if she can't then.. i'll get stephaney to pick me up.. i hope someone can.. . but .. i can't wait till i see jon again.. Dont' make any plans? .. god... .. .. i'm .. nerverious xD

Tomorrow mom is taking us girls into town tomorrow again ^^ ddr! That's all I care about lol..
God I have 7 assignments in math... shit.. i just remembered that iw as gonna brign my math to work tomorrow because jon said he liked math.. i was gonna ask him for help.. .. god..
tomorrow in math we are watchign a movie because we are having our fricking very important test wednesday... joy right?
I haven't.. done work in that class since march.. ... 2 months.. fuck.. i'm doomed.. maybe i should.. heh be sick or soemthign ^^'
I tired doing my old homework. but.. i'm completely lost.. .. yea.. maybe I shoudln't go in town tomorrow.. but.. i jsut.. can't let the others down.. and.. then i have work.. with no jon.. .. Nn... .. yea..

.. jon... alcohol.. .. .. Mmm haven't had any alcohol in a long time.. .. well.. real alcohol.. .. .. might see jon wednesday after chruch.. if i can find someone to go to cache with.. and if i can get ahold of jon.. but he doesn't want anyoen to know.. .. i dont'.. understand.. god i'm so stupid.. but i .. keep ... walking down the darkened path.
....

... he said.. that.. it was cool i understood... he refers to me as a kid.. i am compaired to him.. ..... but.. .. i dont' know.. i know this is wrong.. he is nice though.. .. i .. hope i can find a friend in him.. ...

..

(time to play pac man with mom!)


Ja~

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 2 May :: 9.28 pm
:: Mood: fine

I mowed the grass today. We have a pretty good amount of land. -.-' 2 lots and then our front and back yards -_- so Yea my back hurts.
Mowed the front then Bethany came and picked me up. We went to the next town where Beeson's is. Crused around for about an hour and a half ^^ it was fun. she let me drive xD we stoped by Beesons (this was when I was driving) I said I wanted to go get a drink and of course I could get them free, but I was just using that as an excuse because I wanted to see jon. Well he was working and so was tika! Turns out she was called in last night. Yea.. Jon.. ahh jon.. Well.. I went in the back and... tika was at the sink and jakita (I spelt that wrong) was in the front and so was bethany and when jon walked by his hands when on both of my sides and his right hand ran across my stomach as he went by and my hand reached out behind me to follow him and i touched one of his hands and kinda grabbed a finger.. he looked down at it a bit surprised. He wasn't the only one surprised at my actions (I mean I was surprised I did it too!).
We didn't stay long. Jon said sorry about the other night (lastnight) that he would explain why he had to leave later... yea.. why.. why.. am... I .. .. playing him.. and playing myself.. I don't know.. I know I can't handle him.. and will just.. make a fool of myself if he ever wants to kiss or.. >.> something.. ah.. I dunno... .. but.. I just.. I can't.. explain it.
Anyway, we got back here in this little town and played B-ball by ourselves at the church court. Yea.. I got droped off and I mowed the back yard and our feild. Played with my bird, came in side, then went to chruch.
Lance wasn't there. There was a Rangers game and alot of the guys weren't there. Ok all weren't there but Anton. Anton and Jeff. Jeff never comes to night church but it was cool to see him. I coudln't help but smile real dumbly when he looked at me with his eyes.. ha then I looked away cracking up and looked back to see him still looking at me! Yea.. anyway.
Bethany took me home and she said that Jeff was looking good today and that she loves his eyes! They are pretty ^^
My ears are driving me mad! (cause they are pierced) they are itching like crazy!
I wanna see Lance... but.. I want.. .. to see.. Jon more.. ..
I forgot to mention that lastnight, I told Jon that if my parents drove up to come and get me.. and he's like 'ohh you need to say that to me more' and I thought he didn't hear me so I said it again then I got what he ment ^^'
>.< argh my ears! Ok it's really just my right ear that's driving me insane!
.. yes.. .. .. PLEASE SOMEONE COMMENT AND SAY SOMETHING INTELLIGENT! Like advice maybe about these guys... .. ah..
.. school.. tomorrow..

.. Piano... .


::sigh::

EDIT
Oh yea I forgot. Yesterday my bro called at 1:30 in the morning .. mom thought he was on drugs. He's home now. I haven't seen him all day (yea!) But anyway.. he is .. tired. .. and... anyway.. I dont' care. I just wish he woudl leave. Mom is about to kick him out since he make her stress out with worring since he didn't call. Joyness.

MY PLAN
Jon.. I am gonna ask him to buy me some alcohol ^^ some Daceries.. I can't spell them. They are wine coolers (eveyone shoudl already know) but yea. My plan is to bring my bag with me with some tapes for martika (my only excuse to bring my bag, if i bring it for no reason it'll be too fishy) so yea.. and tika can come pick'em up at work ^^ so it's beleavable right? :D yea! Can't wait! They are what, a dollar fifty a piece? ^^ he might not even charge!
yea. but.. I want some.. alcohol.. I've wanted some for a long time.. nn...

..


Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 1 May :: 9.46 pm
:: Mood: fine

I slept till 12:00 this morning/afternoon. I didn't want to wake up cause I knew I would be bored.
I was just waiting to go to work. I watched TV, XXX (triple X) and then Invador Zim, twice. I taped it. Yea.. and Ahh Real Monsters (cartoon) I didn't know they came on anymore but since we got Direct TV we have so many crazy channels.
My brother left last night and hasn't called. Mom got worried and so she dropped me off at work a few minutes early and went into town with my father looking for him. Bastard.
I worked with Jonathin and Sonny.
I told jon that bethany said he was hott, he said 'well damn she's hott too' and.. yea.. I know I mean nothing to Jon, I don't even want to mean anything to him.
Bethany came by around 7:40? Yea, mom and dad was just gonna come by at 8:30. God it was so slow today at work I had almost nothing to wash. Jon poked me in the .. ass with some spoons that he was putting in my sink. But yea she came and wanted me to go to Brooks work with her to drop off his cookies that he wanted from the Bakery she worked at. Yea.. .. she.. and Brook.. .. yea they are going back out or something. I went with her, I told the boys (jon and sonny) I would be back in a few. Jon said hurry .. he was the waiter today and sonny was the cook.
Went and bethany wanted to use me as an excuse so she didn't have to talk to Brook. Turns out she's only kissed twice and has only gone out with 3 guys.. Brook being the main one. God I've gone out with lots of guys (not in the past 2 and a half years though) and I've only kissed once! And it really wasn't even a kiss!
Got back to work and yea.. beth came in for a bit then left to go to some girls house. God she was teasing me so much about lance. She said she could give me his number.. ahh... whatever.. yea.. but.. she told me to go to Sunday school cause Lance looks nice. Ha.. I'll see him tomorrow evening.. ^^ at night Sunday school... or night church whatever the hell you call it. Yea.. at 6.. >.>
Beth might be going to the movies tomorrow with albrie.. yea.. I might go to. Might to pick up my paycheck. ...
Jon said he was bout to leave.. and.. anyway.. we were both watching were sonny was... but yea.. I said.. 'you said you would make it up to me. .. you know.. since dustin walked in n all..' and he's like oh.. .. yea.. and so I went back to my sink and he came up close and gave me an odd look and said 'oh so I owe you one eh? ...you know.. i'll always owe you one anytime' ... yea... .. ha right? I didn't tell him a goddamned thing. .. ah...
Anyway.. he said I was hotter then bethany.. that made me feel at bit better. lol .. god.. so stupid i am. Yea but anyway.. mom and dad called and I told them beth was taking me home. While I was on the phone jon was right there in the seat next to the phone. (him and sonny had a crack pipe and all kinds of shit there today.. yea.. ) and anyway jons viser went up my thigh.. and.. ::sigh:: pressed up against something.. and.. I grabbed it... yea.. dirty dirty jon.
Jon couldnt' get ahold of his ride so I asked him if he wanted one.. he said 'yea' so.. yea.. I asked beth and she said ok.. He got in and starting talking to bethany about this guy or whatever and jon said 'yea he was wanting some pills, but hey if you talk to him tell him to come by my place cause I got some more stuff in' and other stuff. .. bethany was all like 'cha alright' and when we droped him off he squeezed my shoulder and left.
She called me an asshole and doesn't like him anymore since he's into drugs and lol it was funny. She said she would nver go inside beesons again since I told her they were smoking joints and stuff in there lol god she cracks me up. I really thought she.. was more.. ya'know exprenced them me.. but.. she is clean.. i'm glad.. she might turn out to be a good friend.. i hope so.
Anyway.. we talked about brook and lance and blah blah. got home and my parents weren't there so I didn't have my keys so I coudlnt' get in so we drove around for like 15 minutes.. yea.. that is that...
Inu yasha is about to come on.. so.. yea...
..... lance.. .. I like him...
..

I want to know if he likes me.. ..

..

Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 1 May :: 11.25 pm
:: Mood: angry/crying/feeling pathedic

I've been crying at this computer screen for a good while now.. This computer is in the living room.. by the TV... parents watch TV... why is it.. that.. they .. never.. and I do mean NEVER see me cry?...
God I'm so pathedic... My brother is pathedic. He said there is a difference between thinking you are right and knowing you are right and he says that he is always right... what an asshole.. god.. ..
ah.. .. the dishes in the dishwasher were washed.. dad asked me if they were.. i said they were.. he asked me why I didn't put them away.. I replyed 'gee.. I dunno because I didnt' want to' that fucking shit.. got me grounded.. jackass.... 'for that you are grounded for this weekend' fucking stupid. I asked him if he would take me and a friend in town tomorrow and he jumps on the first chance at something to use as an excuse not to take me.. goddamnit today WAS SO BORING!
I hate it.. I can't stand being in this god damned place.. i hate it.. it's.. to fucking country.. too quite.. there is nothing.. loud about this place.. i..i..
...

why.. can't... my parents.. know me better?... why.. can't they! I tell them all i do in a day! just like my journal! and yet.. they.. seem to take it all for granted.. .. just.. dismiss it when.. when .. when i want them to care! .. damnit i'll admit it.. i want.. them to.. konw me more.. they .. dont' know how much.. they.. dont' know about me.. no one does.. no one knows.. how to read me.. i get it at school all the time.. guys say i'm so complicated.. all the time! the girls too! all the time! Why.. when I tell them something.. why can't they.. bring it up a little later.. and pretend to care? I tell you I'm cursed.. I try to tell someone something.. .. that ..is on my mind..that is important to me.. and.. something always cuts my story off.. they always have to go.. always.. .. it makes me feel.. like.. whatever it is.. that is important to me.. isn't important enough to tell someone else.. to take up their time with my bothers... ..
i've blown my nose 3 times.. the second time.. she asked me if i was getting a cold.. i said 'must be'.. ..
.. all I do is complain... .. that is all i do.. that and be selfish... i have homework to do .. and it'll probably take me a day to do it.. and... tomorrow will be a good day... but.. i just.. can't.. concentrat.. i already know i wont' be able to... ..
i want to go out and walk right now.. in the fricking freezing cold night.. and cry.. . but.. they won't let me leave the house.. i know once i step outside i'll get yelled at. it's not cause they dont' trust me.. it's becaues they are worried about someone tring to get me.. rape me.. i'm scared too but.. i love walking at night... especially.. when it's cold... or cool... .. when you can see your breath.. floating up towards the moon... or after it just rained.. and it has that warm atmosphear.. ...
I work with jon tomorrow.. I worked with sonny tonight. Tika, amanda, sandra and amy when to town today with sandras mom. It was a car so there was no room for me
..... I covered for tika tonight so she could go.. .. some guy got busted for drugs in a car on the same road as beesons today.. .. just not half ablock down.. probably was on his way to beesons... ..
I was.. thinking.. about.. telling.. jon to cool it.. .. and.. if lance asks me out.. i'll say yes.. but.. jon.. he is.. nice to me.. and i hear from others that he is bossy at work and.. this is all just from over hearing, and.. other stuff. but.. he is never like that to me.. .. it's because he .. likes me.. he's not being fair.. sure it's easier on me.. but.. .. i feel.. obligated.. to let him.. hit me on the butt or what.. cause.. he's so easy on me.. .. but.. i need.. to stop it. and.. .. ...
.. lance.. .. i want to see him again.. i didnt' know he liked me.. and now.. since he was flirting with me.. it .. makes .. me think of him more.. .. he did go out with missy bigbow.. .. she is a slut at our school.. cheats on her bf's.. but they went out for almost a year.. broke up one day before bethaney and brook did.. beth told me...
My cell phone.. dad doesn't want me to have one.. I dont' see why i can't have one if i'm the one paying for it.. .. .. god.. i really can't stand anyone telling me waht to do... .. i'm so.. spolied.. i take this all for granted and step on the people that give me my freedom.. so pathic god damnit!

.. mom just asked me if i was crying.. i said no.. .. then.. i said 'not anymore' and.. she asked me why i was crying.. and i said.. i didn't know.. in an annoyed voice.. i'm done with crying.. it's my won fault...

... .. i'm going to bed.. the person i was talking with is about to get off.. is off.. ..

.... .. .. .. ..
what do i tell mom?.. she isn't saying anything any more.. ..
they want to read my journal... i'm glad they haven't found the link yet.. ..

.. mom thinks that i write hateful shit about her in here.. she also says when she dies or is in the hospital she doesn't want any of her children to come to it.. since we are so hateful.. ..
... ..
.. why can't I just shut the hell up!?


~

Close the World |

:: 2004 29 April :: 10.36 pm
:: Mood: fine

It's time for me to go sleep!
Well today it stormed. It just got though about 30 minutes ago.
Me and Tika went into town and DDRed. I got some information about my cell phone. You don't have to pay any down if you have good credit but my parents don't so it's $120-$250 down.. they have to do a credit check. Then it's $45 a month.
I saw.. Kacper.. today.. sitting on that bench... he looked at me and looked away.. he .. looked.. .. disappointed? Betrayed? Annoyed? Pissed? D-all of the above? ^^' Yea.... Tyler hugged Tika again and she told me that when he put her back on the ground (big hug, in the store, people around, yea.. picked her up off her feet.. well. not that way but in the hug just leaned back ya'know? ah hell you get me) that she kissed him on the neck xD !!! DAMN!
Ha.. damn.. god I've been thinking of Jon ALL day! I am covering for Tika tomorrow night.. Jon is working so I'm happy.. that and he's working Saturday night too and I work that night aswell....
Got Eerie Queerie vol. 2. SO CUTE!
.. ah... yea... I.. I was thinking of Lance too..... his nails.. I was thinking.. that.. this thing with Jon.. could so easily get ugly. If he saw me with another guy.. I'll ask him.. tomorrow.. ha yea like I'll keep to that huh? But I'll try and remember to ask him what he would think if he would see me with another guy... if he ..would get jealous.
Today in computer science lab class Jared pushed my hand away and it hit Chris's lap.. yes it hit 'something' but not very hard >.>' Just thought I would write that. ^^',\
Jon said he would make it up to me.. I'm gonna tease him and ask him what he meant by it :D
Yea.. well..... I'm gonna go dream now... .. my ears are tender >.< sore! (sounds like I wanted to eat them)
Damn I can't believe Tika kissed Tyler's neck! Goodness! ::clears throat:: yea well.. cell phone will have to wait till next week because I spent all my pay check and'll only have $40... yea.. but this extra day should make my paycheck around the $20 range ^^ and I like that! :D
Ok ok...


Ja~

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 29 April :: 11.57 pm
:: Mood: tired/cold
:: Music: Fuse Channel

Close the World |

:: 2004 25 April :: 10.27 pm
:: Mood: fine/ears a bit tender

I worked yesterday night with Sonny. ^^ ha it was funny, he was infront of the grill bent down getting something off the floor and I had to put some stuff up behind him so I just went to step past him (moving behind him) and he went to get up and I just about sat on him! My butt rubbed against his back! I scared the shit out of him, so he says. He almost knocked me over though! Yes.. I was hoping I would work with Jonathin.. but.. it was Sonny. ^^ I like Sonny more now, he is pretty cool.
Yesterday was.. me and mom day. And I am shocked to say that we didn't argue ONCE. NOT ONCE. ... Went into town and mom dropped me off at my sisters because she was going to go get her hair done at Wades (permed) and I can't stand that smell.
Sis, Matt and Kylee and of course me went to walmart and shopped, drove to my work so kylee could fall asleep in the car and went back to their place mom came and picked me up and we took my sis out to eat at Chilly's. I was eating some corn on the cob and it was getting stuck in my teeth right and so I used a fork to get the kernels off.. I was twisting them off yes well whatever and the damn corn squirted me straight in the eye! My sister saw it and cracked up! (I also had a sip of her beer, gross!) It was pretty funny ^^ then my mom spilt the salt and what did she do? She flung some over her left shoulder without hesitation to whom was behind her -.-'
After that we dropped sis back off at her place and went to the mall.. I got my ears pierced.. not exactly where I wanted them but... it'll be alright. After 10 weeks I'll get another pericing in my ear since I can have it closer. It really didn't hurt when I got them pierced.. it was I guess in the just beginning cartalige... but they sure are sore now ^^',\
Played one game of DDR then went to work (remember this was Yesterday, Saturday)
Tika picked me up from work, mom and dad wanted to go to a further away casino so I had to spend the night at Tika's in order for them to go. Today was her birthday so I guess it worked out well for everyone but me since I didn't want to spend the night but it was cool. She said that.. I already have Jonathin.. I don't see how she can say that.. he is 23 .. I sure as hell dont' have him.. I found out she has a crush on Tyler too.. the guy from Waldens.. he's 20 ^^ Gave her my FAKE vhs she likes FAKE ^^ who wouldn't? Thogh the DVD is pretty cool it's disappointing that it's just that ONE DVD.. that's only like 30 mins. :\
Blah blah ate there and had cake. Amy and Amanda came over to Tika's house too..
Yesterday Wolf Rain and the NEW Inu Yasha episodes came on... I missed them.. I completely missed them. I forgot all about them.. grrr.. but for some reason.. I'm just saying oh well.
I saw Macross Plus on TV.. well I really taped it from the TV then watched it Friday ^^ I like it.. only 1-3 though was on the tape.. yes i'm blabering now.
Tuesday mom is supposed to take atleast me and Tika to the mall for DDR.. we'll see how far that'll go.
... Got home and was late for church today.. it was raining hard... Bethany gave me a ride home.. she said that her and Brook haven't gotten back together.. she said that he said that since they've known each other for so long that.. they should be able to have sex now.. and Beth doesn't want that. Good for her. Out of the Blue she told me that Brook had asked about me.. then she said that he was nosy.... .. he asked about me? Gee I did'nt know he had forgoten my name!
... I was rubbing mother and.. I got alot of phone calls (3). Some dude called for my brother and then Stephine called.. I can't spell her name.. we talked for a bit about me missing Wolf Rain and such and then I said I would talk to her later.... then I got an odd call.. it was from a girl I've never heard before... she said 'is buda there?' 'this is she' 'jonathin wants you to call him at ----'... and she gave me the number... I reconized the number.. it's his ex's number... that's were he is staying... so.. I said thanks.. cleaned my ears and went to my room pretending that stephine wanted me to call her back.
I called.. he picked up.. he said what's up and the converstaion wasn't really one. I told him about my softball since he asked about my sports and then he asked about DDR and how it's funny that when someone says that me and tika are best friends that he quickly say no to them. Whatever we are not and we both know it. I was surprised he remembered... about DDR... and my .. softball... real surprised. He said he had to go ... so.. he woudl talk to me later.. .. I dont' see how.. I guess Tuesday.. that is.. if I work with him.
Tika also told me.. that.. Jon had accidentally called her me.. and.. some other stuff...
... I know it is wrong.. but.. there is just something about Jon.. I know it's just a game to him.. and it's just an adventure to me.. .. so.. isn't it fair? We are both deciving the other..
I'm speaking nonscense..
I dont' want to go to school in the morning..
At church.. Aaron gave me a smile.. I didnt' give him one back.. I really didn't look at him the whole time.
... .. .. my ears... I can feel them throbbing.. when I run and blood starts pumping.. I can feel it in my ears... it's gonna take me forever to fall asleep. I'm so used to sleeping on my right side.. and.. with my ears as they are.. I have to be on the end of the pillow so that my ear isn't touching anything.. and even when I lay on my back.. the back of my ears touch and it's sore and i have to be careful.. ..
I haven't even worked on my homework.. All I want to do is see Jon and play DDR...
..

....

~Ja

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |