::
2003 23 March :: 10.07 pm
:: Mood: tired, yet happy :)
:: Music: TRUSTcompany - deeper into you
im in over my head...
and i love it :)
i was grounded this wknd. but i worked my way around it quite nicely :)
friday i went to the students vs. staff bb game, then came home, had a few, and talked to marcus.... until 6am. :)
it was really really really extremely cool to talk to him. like, obviously after 5.5 hrs of talking to him, we talked about some wonderful stuff. and i was basically as happy as physically possible...
saturday i basically did nothing. marcus came over and visited for a little. then he came back after my parents left 0:)
then rikki came over and we just chilled. i fell asleep on her boobs while watching romeo and juliet. :)
and today i babysat for a while and was matt and marcus's wendys bitch. damn, i even paid for it too. lazy moochers :)
you know how you get this image in your mind - like a photograph - an dyou cant shake it? ive got one from saturday when marcus was over. parts of that afternoon/evening keep replaying in my mind over and over and over... and i dont ever want them to stop. i dont ever want to forget how i felt. i fell for him all over again. like, unreal. it didnt even hit me how sincerely i love that kid until i saw him and his cute little smile, until he hugged me and i hoped hed never let go. yea yea yea sounds all mushy or whatever. but i love him so much. :) and i finally feel confident in our friendship again. and thats what makes me so damned happy...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 16 March :: 9.17 am
:: Mood: waking up. stupid church.
:: Music: mad at gravity - historypeats
oopies 0:)
friday night. that was so fun... i got free alcohol for sloppy seconds. thats the funniest thing in the world. and then groomsie totally smashed.. lol no other details cuz... 0:)
then last night i went to a pro-life "reality check" thing at south christian. way cool. the speaker was awesome and i met some cool guys from right to life of gr. :)
then we went out w/ michelle, kim p, mike, rob, phil, and stacey. of course, theyre all lifeteen-loving, cute and innocent people (lol even thoe mike has a ft tall blue, blonde and red mohawk and phil's is gettin pretty big too...) so that was weird. when i was driving michelle, i was like "yea.. this is kinda weird... theres a full fifth underneath your seat right now, and if you only knew the things i did last night... its cool to be w/ u guys, but i feel totally different than you all" especially when kim p and stacey and lindsey were all like "well you need to hang out w/ us more".
but i know i wont. ill do whatever it takes to get into pro-life stuff, but im just not into hanging out w/ those ppl all the time.
bc its the "bad" things: boys, alcohol, sneaking around... that actually make me happy. not 20 min convo's about robs new puppy.
oh well. i had a wonderful weekend :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 12 March :: 10.27 pm
:: Mood: rikki just crashed my wonderful post-dance-class e
:: Music: alkaline trio - radio
i wish i didnt feel this way about 2 of my 3 best friends...
and if i stay lucky, then my tongue will stay tied
and i wont betray the things that i hide
theres not enough years underneath this belt
for me to admit the way that ive felt
(7 mary 3 - lucky)
no. i dont think i could admit it at any age.
everything is wonderful with matt and marcus.
until rikki comes into the picture.
so when she got online and my mood came crashing down, i quickly got off and danced again to divert myself. well she im's my phone and is like "im in love :)..." and im assuming. marcus. and i tell you.. i would have shot her dead if she had been in the same room with me.
i dont want to hear that.
i dont want to know anything about their relationship unless its ending.
maybe im being selfish.
or maybe im being honest.
when i was at marcus's last night, he was like "yay - i have the two towers. and its so sad that neither you or rikki have seen it. this weekend, matt, rikki, you and me should all watch both of the movies. itd be wonderful"
and i told him no.
im starting to say the things i need to. the things ive hidden.
and rikkis not going on spring break w/ me anymore either.
but i dont know how i feel anymore.
i dont want to be irritated with her. with them. but i cant help it.
and i dont want to be a jealous bitch. but its so hard.
i went on mle3102 today for a few minutes while screwing w/ AIM w/ marcus... and my profile was "quit falling for my friends". i obviously havent been on it since the beginning of january. at least.
that was when i was pissed at matt for falling for all of my friends. and at marcus for falling for alters. and of course, after that he fell for rikki too.
hard.
and i cant stand it.
he makes me happy. even if we're just chillin as friends (which is almost awkward now bc i have to try so hard). but when i get attention from him. it makes me happy.
but once she comes into play, it crashes.
like how we were just chillin in his room last night - and rikki comes online a few minutes before i leave. well he talks to her the entire time before i leave. im sorry - thats slightly rude. and the fact that its rikki just ticked me off to no end.
i swear to god, i will never hang out w/ the two of them together again.
and im so serious. i cant stand it. if i can only seperate rikki from marcus, even if just in my mind... i will be perfectly fine.
stay strong mle, this shit will pass and then youll be stuck listening to both of them bawl their eyes out.
mle
5 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 9 March :: 8.47 am
:: Mood: exhausted. blank.
:: Music: sum41 - the hell song
small talk is cheap.
big talk is hard.
so we had a surprise 50th bday party for my mom last night. lots of people who havent seen me since i was little. and ive grown into a fat, short, little failure.
only 2 topics of discussion brought up: my hair (and how its definitely not blonde anymore- and no i dont know my natural hair color) and the trip to haiti (which i can never put into words anyways).
i hate small talk.
and ive been trying to talk to marcus again since wednesday. like, one-on-one. in person. and i had the chance to yesterday morning when i stopped by his house before work to drop off one of his sweatshirts.
i dont know though.. everything is so unsteady and back and forth (oh wait, thats just me and my damned feelings). like, tues night and wed, i had this *huge* desire to be like we used to.. really good friends and just.. be like we used to when we were innocent.
but then after he refused to see me on wed (even after i skipped way fun plans for him), i got ticked. and realized maybe i do need to end this completely.
friday, me and rikkay drove around, ditched my date w/ eric, and bud bought us a fifth. nothing to do, and i cant exactly drive around all night after a few shots, so we waited at marcus's for him to get home and chilled w/ him for like an hour or so.
big mistake
he didnt even hug me w/o me saying something.
i was *ticked* but i cant say that. i cant tell him what i feel... the hesitation i have. the thoughts that maybe im just forcing this whole thing on myself. i dont always want/love him. and i dont always love rikki. so why the hell do i put myself through this awful situation, where im only happy when he pays attention
i followed her home
i stood outside her bedroom window
standing over her, she begged me not to do
what i knew i had to do
cause im so in love with you
(good charlotte - my bloody valentine)
sometimes i want to live out that song... too bad its my best friend.
im sick of my life revolving around marcus.
but i dont think im strong enough to break free from the cycle.
*wake me up*
wake me up inside
*i cant wake up*
wake me up inside
*save me*
call my name
and save me from the dark...
save me from the nothing ive become
(evanescence - bring me to life)
kathay.. youve got me *addicted* to that song :)
*ahh!* so frustrated.
i cant put this into words... what i want/need.
friday night, marcus talked to me seriously for a little bit after rikki went to bed. about how everyone is happy when im happy. real happy. and how he loves me (as a friend) and everything.
but that cant be true.
theyre happy whenever theyre w/ each other, talking to each other, thinking about each other. i have no effect on their feelings. they dont care for me in the least anymore.
and maybe im just being a paranoid, skeptical lil bitch, but whenever marcus is happy to talk to me, or sad when i have to go, its hard for me to beleive... i dont beleive him. i feel like its fake and hes just doing it to make me feel better. he claims to have a totally honest relationship w/ me but...
i dont even have a totally honest relationship w/ him.
and im trying to change that. but he wont let me talk to him.
mle
6 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 3 March :: 7.05 pm
:: Mood: groggy. sick.
:: Music: american hi-fi - the art of losing
my body is definitely revolting against me
(me and lucass, respectively)
nOgARBAGEgOO182: u guys run a lot for tennis?
oh hear you me: 2 miles
oh hear you me: i wanted to stop for a smoke break halfway through
lol i cant beleive some of the guys who are playing tennis this year. its hilarious. and booty already quit after one day of practice :)
so matt IM's my cell as in waiting in the dr' office after school. basically said he overreacted last night (which he did) and that he wants to talk after he gets outta work. but i dont know how much thatll help. i mean, he told me im the antithesis of everything he strives to be. "if i ever drop to your level, id kill myself." yeah... so i dont know where this is gonna go...
i hate my body. it needs to die.
lent starts on wednesday. vegan here i come :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 2 March :: 10.12 pm
:: Mood: i dont know.
:: Music: sense field - save yourself
shit has begun to hit the fan
oh yea. tried to talk to matt about some stuff going on. well that didnt work out. i had to inform him of background info. and that defintely set him off. like, ive never see him this mad. and its all directed at me. and marcus. and this is like.. huge
matt: you do realize when we're done talking about this, we're done talking
and the really sad thing is. i dont regret it. any of it. except telling matt.
and now im lost and screwed. i need to stop burning bridges. because now im trapped.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 28 February :: 5.31 pm
:: Mood: pissed. anxiety attack.
:: Music: good charlotte - my bloody valentine
pms should be outlawed
jesus christ. i want to kill myself. today was the day from hell, and even in the brief moments it got better (sleeping in the sun in yearbook, driving w/ the windows down, matt listening to me), it still sucked beyond belief.
i am thoroughly pissed at the world. i hate everything and everyone in it. i hate the grand scheme of things. everything blows.
and i realize so much of this is my fault. if i wasnt so damned insecure and self-centered and codependent, id just be kinda on-edge and no biggie.
but the little things set me off.
and dont you hate it when you fight something so hard... only to find its brought you harder to that conviction?
matt thinks this marcus thing is getting out of hand. and so do i. but i cant help it. i fall for him harder and harder.
matt: this is getting way outta hand. you need to get over him and go on with you life.
mle: u dotn think ive tried? i just wish i had the balls to tell him what i really feel
matt: which is...?
mle: i wanna run upstairs and burn his hockey sweatshirt lying on my floor
matt: dont do that
mle:... and then i wanna run to his basement and cry in his arms all night
and shit is getting really bad w/ myself. im just an emotional wreck, between the rents and friends and school and myself... i threw up after monday's lil fiasco (wc vs grchs hockey game, then steak and shake w/ matt, marcus and rikki). i dont remember the last timei did that. and im close to doing it again now... this is getting out of control. and m is getting *way* outta control w/ her e.d. its really disturbing.
ahh... people are crazy.
me included
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 23 February :: 12.34 am
:: Mood: sleepy. just woke up from the drive home from msu
:: Music: foo fighters - all my life
some of them want to get used by you...
some of them want to be abused
(marilyn manson - sweet dreams)
marcus is housesitting this weekend. so i "went in early to work" and ended up fooling around w/ him...
lol, while i was on the clock - so i got paid to get on him. :) but it kinda interfered w/ our fun so i was pissed.
but i was in the best mood in the world after. like, i *loved* work today!
and i dont regret it for a minute. if i regret anything, its waiting until i was supposed to leave to start stuff. but the next time i talked to him, he was like "yea i dont think there should be anymore just mle and marcus time unless theres someone there to control us" um, im sorry you got horny again and i wanted to go along w/ it. lol.
that kinda dropped me on my bum. ive been thinking about it all day since.
you almost always pick the best times
to drop the worst lines
you almost made me cry again this time
(the used - buried myself alive)
and it doesnt bother me in the least that he "hopes" to hook up w/ rikki. im such a selfish lil skank. all i want is attention from a guy. from him. and if he just wants to use me because rikki doesnt do anything, thats perfectly fine w/ me. i have no problem playing the booty call.
if we sleep together
will you like me better?...
if we sleep together
will i like you better?
(garbage - sleep together)
ive got a lot of crazy things floating around in my head lately.
but i really just want to know what the fuck is *really* going on. drag me outta my dream world and tell me the cold hard truth: i dont really like marcus. he doesnt seem to be into me like he used to. i screwed around behind my best friends back (kinda like she did to me, only much worse). and i dont even like my best friend that much. and the other two guys in the picture... im not into either of them anymore either.
im a master of faking
and id know what to do
if i just knew what was coming...
and i dont wanna call you
but then i wanna call you
cause i dont wanna crush you
but i feel like crushing you
(third eye blind - deep inside of you)
because unless youre taking advantage of me, you crush me to no end.
but i could never crush you. or turn away from you. because i need you and your endless high-withdrawl you drag me through.
and im sick of the mind games - not from you. no, im sick of screwing w/ my own mind...
mle
3 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 16 February :: 1.03 am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: new found glory - happy together *cover*
quite possibly the best sober night
wonderful night. kathay called me after work and totally made my day. then i came home and chilled for an hour or 2. then picked up rikki and went through the car wash and went to the west hockey game. then steak and shake w/ chelsay, rikki, kathay and phil. then back to the hockey rink to meet up w/ the christian kids. me and rikki went to wendys with marcus and then drove around while he was at matts and then chilled at his house for a lil bit.
at steak and shake.. wow, so much fun. and they played a huge joke on me. lets just say i ate an entire sugar-packet full of salt and then proceeded to drink water that had the hot-pepper juice mixed in it. wow. that was mean, but still funny.
and then i went and bought a shirt at meijers lol. and we ended up stealing half of marcus's clothes anyways :)
me and rikki had some good convo's while driving around too.
but i felt kinda bad that i ditched my date w/ eric and kinda ditched lucass... but im going over to lucass's tomorrow so itll make up for it ;)
in all honesty, the reason im so happy is because i fell for marcus again.
as stupid as it sounds, that just makes everything wonderful again.
because now i have a person to love again.
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 15 February :: 9.42 am
no doubt - artificial sweetener
yes im guilty for leasing myself out
not ready to go up for sale
cant seem to give it up
stubborn, so selfish
im showing off the worst in me
the return of saturn
assessing my life, second guessing
*im full of artificial sweetener
my heart's been deceitful
its all artificial sweetener
im faking "i love you"s
youre forcing me to*
you really deserve love
i want to love you
but i cant seem to find myself
my wilting effort, our progress report
im only sure that im not sure
and i shudder to be honest
whos behind it all now?
whos the author?
reread, rewrite, redo, undo
im stuck on this page
i was born to each day
is that why i hesitate?
im on the fence
push me off it
i want to be on your side now
and keep a promise
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 15 February :: 8.06 am
:: Mood: tired (why the fuck am i up at 8am?!) and alone
:: Music: bush - letting the cables sleep
what do you do when the only person who can stop the tears is the one who made you cry?
im so lost right now. i have no one.
rikki goes to extremes to make me happy. well you need to have some down time sometime or another. and she has not the slightest idea about anything about me under the surface.
and marcus - i cant even begin to think whats going on there. it was like one day, i just had no desire to be with him anymore. i had no desire to talk as much. i had no desire to do stuff with him. i remember that monday i skipped school and went to his house, i loved it. i was still so happy with him then. but then at the end of the day, he told me about rikki. and i think thats when it all went downhill.
and eric - he keeps text messaging my phone and tellin me how much he misses me. i finally replied last night when i saw that we were both home at 10pm on valentines (we both went out w/ our friends for a little and then ended up coming home). we might do something tonight. but i dont want him either, and that sucks. as mean as it sounds, hes just too stupid for me. i love him to death, but i know if i let stuff happen, itd just be in vain. id use him to feel like i had *someone*. or to prove that i dont need/want marcus. but i dont wanna prove that either. because i want to need/want marcus.
and lucass is mostly outta the picture. we havent really been into each other since the end of christmas break and our last random makeout session. yea, we had a lot of fun at here's my heart last weekend and we still talk across the room in english all the time, but its not the same. i dont feel for him like i used to, just like marcus. (lol except maybe part of the problem w/ lucass is his fuckin shaved head!)
and i need someone to talk to so badly. someone i can tell everything to- because no matter how much i know marcus would listen, i cant tell him everything because hes the reason im so torn up. or, more accurately, my sudden loss of attraction to him. i just look at him with different eyes now.
i cant talk to m. i love her to death, and i know shed listen even though she doesnt know marcus or the situation, but all we ever talk about is our eating disorders. and i already told her last night i didnt wanna talk about this.
and i feel so alone. so alone. so alone.
like the only person i can depend on is myself. and no matter how much i know thats true, i dotn want it to be. i dont wanna beleive it. because i cant depend on myself. i need someone else. i need someone to love and someone to love me.
and this goes deeper than anyone could ever realize. this goes back to the whole "mle makes herself want a guy just because he wants her" thing. because every relationship or fling ive ever had has been in vain. theyve all been me faking. the actual relationships occurred when i faked to the point that i actually beleived it. sure, at one point, i actually did like that guy, but typically that feeling is short-lived. but this situation is kinda different. not only am i forcing myself to retain feelings no longer present, im fighting against my best friend for attention. and if it was anyone but rikki, shit would hit the fan- fast.
and thats the catch. the part i cant tell marcus. im forcing myself to like him because there is potential there - even if its just friendship.
or maybe this is a sign its time to move onto another group of friends. i dont even talk to any grchs friends anymore except matt and marcus. and matt and me are no longer best friends. and marcus. well youve heard that story. but where to go now...?
what do you do when the only person who can stop the tears is the one who made you cry?
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 14 February :: 6.34 pm
:: Mood: trying hard not to get down
:: Music: nelly - ride wit me
all our lives get complicated
search for pleasure overrated
(fuel - innocent)
hi.
happy vday :)
even though i have to share my boy w/ my best friend, i still love valentines day. i mean, when else does the whole school wear pink like i always do and i bring in cookies for everyone on the face of the earth? and i got a valentine and (hershey) kiss from mr nugent. lol none of you would get that. but thats ok because i do and dammit, its my journal! :)
but this situation with marcus and rikki is really startin to take a toll on me. maybe its just today. but like the conversations ive had with alters lately, who basically got screwed over by both me and rikki... i dont know.
the bad thing is.. i dont even know if i want him anymore. like, suddenly hes not all i thought he was. hes not all i wanted. and i dont like that its changed. at all. i want/need someone to idolize, even if i cant have them.
when he came over on the snow day (for 8 freakin hours - just me and him), i kept thinking about it... i dont know. and i dont know how im supposed to act w/ him because of rikki. so i dont make a move at all. and thats *so* not like me.
but im gonna go. gotta go have a 3some for valentines day w/ you know who. :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 11 February :: 10.45 pm
:: Mood: not too shabby
:: Music: dope - you spin me right round
reinventing yourself is fun.
you should try it
a new day, a new perspective
so i think im off grounding. or at least partly. i had *all* my homework done and caught up and everything by 6 so i could go to the last wc vs. grchs hockey game (prolly the last game id see aaron and marcus play ever). well then gerald decides i was also partly grounded because of saturday and refused to let me outta the house. grr.
but oh well. today is much better. yesterday i totally broke down at the end of school and cried my heart out to rikkay. but today im fine. new day new perspective.
all this time away from people and technology (well, really only 2 days, but hey- thats a long time for me!) gave me a lot of time to think.
it made me realize how much i get caught up in the moment. good and bad. like, my moods and views and beleifs are all so extreme and here-and-now. i cant help it. just the way i am.
but i cant deny the feelings of independence and isolation ive had. like... matt and marcus and rikkay and lucass jsut dont mean as much as they used to. well, me and lucass have been kinda distant since christmas break ended. and matt was mad at me for a while and since we made up on sunday, it still isnt back to normal. and marcus, i dont even think i want that anymore. like, hes old news now or something. but that cant be true. so i dont know for sure with him. and rikkay.. damn, if she wasnt so outwardly loving to me, i woulda said to hell with her long ago. but you cant help but love rikkay :)
im still feeling oddly distant. and hesitant. and i dont really like that. ive got a lot of different thoughts and feelings and urges coming at me. and im just tryin to keep my head up.
theres some hard times in the neighborhood
but why cant every day feel just this good?
(travis tritt - great day to be alive)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 10 February :: 9.33 am
:: Mood: fine at the moment
:: Music: none - workin on a spanish project in the stupid lab w/o headphones
parents suck
so im grounded from everything on the face of the earth until i get back on track with school. no cell, no internet, no car, no soccer, no dance, no hockey, no nothing. and of course i didnt get anything done yesterday because i was either sleeping or getting yelled at the entire day.
my dad even came in to wake me up and bitch at me at 630 this morning. fuckin asshole. i wrote him a note last night about how much i hate him and everything he represents. i conveniently left it on one of the many piles in my bedroom. i seriously hope he finds it. id laugh.
theyre being absolutely psychotic about this. i mean, yea sure they didnt seem to really care that theres puke (ahem, my own) all over the snow outside the back door of the basement, we broke the bed again, and my mom found a half empty beer can and a coke can that smelled like straight captain. oops. but they dont really care. i lied my way outta it so easily. everyone thinks im grounded because of the party. but im really grounded because of school.
my dad told me last night that id be lucky to get into grcc. ok i got a 30 on the act and ive still only had 3 b's as final grades in my life. just proves how ridiculous hes being.
time to go work on more hw, but im gonna talk more in yearbook cause there's some other issues ive been thinking about...
so there was a random shirt left after my party from homecoming. and a tie from my party after here's my heart. i predict ill get some random pants after prom's party. :)
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 9 February :: 9.17 pm
:: Mood: tired. nauseous as all hell. alone. alone. alone.
:: Music: justin timberlake - cry me a river (lucass and his stupid songs he gets me stuck on....)
there's a first time for everything
sadly including hangovers
here's my heart last night was a lot of fun. i havent gone to a dance in a group before and that was cool. me lucass and alters stopped at 2 parking lots to drink some DNA- like mike's kinda. i had 4 of em and very good buzz goin into the dinner (we were definitely a lil late for that lol) the actual dance was pretty fun, which is surprising. then afterwards we came back here and i had a party. some random ppl showed up - like i walked upstairs at one point to see elspeth, lindsey and sondra looking around in my sister's room. and then jimmy showed up later. lol ill get to that later.
so the party story... marcus was supposed to come, but he didnt so me and rikkay called him. and i talked to him for a while. like 20 minutes on the cell. of course, this was after i took 5 shots of pucker literally right after another. and rikkay had 2, so that cashed my 1/5 out finally.
then some people left to go to bud's and jimmy and some of his random friends showed up. and groomsie, prestons, mary and all them. well they whip out a case, 2 more 1/5s and pint. i had some of each of them. like, my stomach is queasy just remembering how much i had.
total drinks: (that i remember consuming)
4 bottles of DNA
5 shots of pucker
3 shots from the random pint (no clue what it was even though i drank right from the bottle)
1 slushy-cold beer
1 captain and diet coke (2-3 shots worth)
and then i vaguely remember my dad telling me to kick people out at 2. and i think jimmy tried to get on me. or so i hear. my cell tells me i called marcus again and talked for another 7 minutes or so at like 215 am.
but im getting booted so ill continue this tomorrow.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
|