::
2002 10 October :: 11.02 pm
:: Mood: bummed
:: Music: nirvana - you know youre right
outside looking in
last night one of my pretty good friends told me shes been anorexic for the past 3 weeks or so. i didnt know how to respond. my first urge was to remind her of all the times she tried to keep me on the straight path. tell her she didnt need to follow in my footsteps.
but then, i looked at her as one of us. another lonely statistic. this boosts my number of girls irl i *know* have an eating disorder up to 5, including me. and all but one are juniors at west. wow. and most people w/ ed's are secret. thats crazy.
i dont know whats going on lately. i feel so unbeleivably pulled in so many directions. with everything. w/ friends, classes, sports, freetime/staying busy, my future, ed's. everything. im so lost and abandoned.
sometimes i just dont know what to do.
so i just sleep.
homecoming. total chaos. idk whats going on now. the dinner thing keeps gettin f'ed up. :( stupid christian boys. lol. but yea...
party at my house.. 2 times this wknd. at least.
cheerleaders are coming over for dinner before the game tomorrow and then bonfire after homecoming. we'll see how that turns out. if i remember any of it... :)
my heart is way torn right now.
mle
4 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 9 October :: 10.36 am
:: Mood: cold, exhausted mentally
:: Music: incubus - pardon me
hey, i figured out how to get logged back in as mle on the school computers :)
i just thought id share that. i was happy. i was logged in permanently as "deleted" for sooo long. it sucked. but i had extra time to figure it out today :)
and we're learning html in web page design now. wow.. more stuff i already know. at least its something i care about (as opposed to super-easy shit weve been doin)
not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
(incubus - the warmth)
idk. sometimes i wonder about that. we all have issues. some more than others. and mine are eating away at me even quicker than i thought. im falling apart more and more everyday. i just need some time off.. away from everyone and everything
including myself.
i gotta get through this
i gotta take my mind off of you
im gonna get through this
(daniel beddingfield - i gotta get through this)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 7 October :: 10.16 pm
:: Mood: hopeless
:: Music: jill sobule - lucy at the gym
today is one of those days where i cant help but break down and cry
today..
what can i say?
im so lost. in all honesty, i want to drop out of school once its legal (ahem, 2 weeks). i know ill be throwing my life away and all, but i just cant put up with this shit anymore. im sorry. its just not me.
i feel like ive been at bat for years, but i cant hit those curveballs like i used to. you can get hit by the pitch only so many times before you just cant get yourself to step up to the plate anymore...
and im close to that point.
i think about it all the time. and nick hickox. of all people...
i dream about it constantly.
im going a big fat nowhere fast.
my dream last night was fuckin crazy. ask me. ill tell you bout it. nick and lucass are in it. and my cheerleading coach. and some other slut. by my grandparents house. we drove around the lake in a car (like, in the shallow part of the lake) yea. i didnt go anywhere too fast... like my life.. (and the dream only gets better from there)
but in all reality, why does it matter if i "throw my life away"? at this point, i dont even want to live. honestly. i just want to sleep my life away. i wish that were possible.
so, on this extremely uplifting note, im going to exit and attempt to write my fuckin 2-page paper due tomorrow morning...
mle
PS marcus... man, i wish hed be straight up w/ me sometimes. i need to know if im wasting my time. i guess thats a little more positive... (?)
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 3 October :: 10.52 pm
:: Mood: verge of tears
:: Music: mustard plug - freshmen (cover)
just off the phone w/ kathay
i love you
i hate you
i miss you
(ill niño - what comes around)
talking to you makes me realize how much things have changed. or, maybe they havent changed at all...
and through all this chaos, i have one thing to say:
i am a bad person.
mle
4 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 2 October :: 11.32 am
:: Mood: bed time (i wish)
:: Music: mad at gravity - historypeats
i dont know whats going on
so i thought things were not cool between me and some unnamed person. but she acted cool to me today. idk. i dont really wanna give up what we had, but i was under the impression we had nothing now. idk.
and tessa... geez, this year, yearbook is totally different. i dont like it. i think its having people in my own grade. i cant really describe it. i just dont like it.
and then homecoming.. heres the biggie. so i still have a date (elliot) from christian. but renee blew out her knee on sunday at powder puff practice and now she isnt going to homecoming. well, there goes my group. so if me and e still go, we have 3 options: 2 differrent groups i could maybe get us into, or just go me and him, which would be too date-ish for me. *but* his g.pa is in the hospital dying. like, he may not have even made it through last night. :'( sooo idk if hes gonna be too down to go, or if itll give him something to look forward to if we do go. i kinda dont wanna anymore. w/o a group, it wont be fun. i guess ill just have to wait until i can talk to him.. :/
alright.. time for powder puff practice :) i kinda wish i blow out my knee too...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 29 September :: 4.28 pm
:: Mood: undecided
:: Music: weezer - the world has turned and left me here
everything's changed
ok, call me slow, but it just hit me. in a big, big way.
so i only have 3 junior's school pic's.. and 1 is my cousin from detroit.
in other words, i have no friends from west. like, yea, aquaintances. but no real friends. this is going to be a problem next year. i just hope most of my friends go to college in town.
another thing thats changed: the ass has no job. so, no money. no sanity. with him chillin around the house all the time, im going insane. i hate him. if he gets a job in town, i will shoot myself. there is *no* way i can live with him here 24/7 for the next 2 years. yesterday was a perfect example.
i wrote today! good ones too! :) so excited. we have a WCCW (west catholic creative writing) gathering tues morning, and ive got sumthin good to share so im all releived/pumped.
i dont like how things are. the people i was so close to... mean nothing now. i feel like nothing. but then i dont. i have friends.. but since theyre all seniors at christian, its kidna inconvient.
yea.. and im also gettin into bad things to solve my problems. i guess its only a matter of time before someone sees the scars. but i dont care. it doesnt hurt in the least. and focusing on it just washes a releiving apathy over me.
i dont know where im going with this. im in a weird mood.
mle
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 29 September :: 1.01 am
:: Mood: tired, mellow
:: Music: third eye blind - god of wine (acoustic)
hmm....
marcus.. ? ;) lol. idk. its kinda weird... the whole talking bout me being illegal (yea, hes 18). and stuff... idk. marcus is way hot.. and i love his personality. im so bummed he wont come with us to homecoming.
but tonight. he was acting like there might be something... and thats cool, but idk. i dont know if i want something now. i dont know if i want something with him. i do know that i dont want things to get weird. *crosses fingers*
jason brought a new friend w/ him tonight. dan m.. something or another. lol short lil asian. another 18 year old (dammit) lol. he was way tryin to mack on me. he was touchin me nonstop! i was like... ummm *moves over to sit on the couch by marcus and dave*. im so awful with telling guys no. its like a sin i can never get myself to commit.
i dont know. am i happy?
i had a big deal with the rents tonight. they flipped about homework. the ass always makes me talk when i dont want to. i tell him flat out and calm and everything. but he never respects that! so he told me to quit crying and go to my room for a few minutes.
i couldnt even feel the blade.
and then i washed up and went out to renee's. i cant stand to live in this house anymore. now that the ass has no job, hes gonna be here all day, every day. i swear to god, im going to kill myself.
... sabrina's mom's funeral was this morning.. while i was tailgating at msu... by force. my parents wouldnt let me go to the funeral. but we're nt going there.. because i cried for like 10 minutes last night during halftime over it. and i dont want to cry again.
so goodnight. and i wish goodbye.
no i dont. just goodbye to the way things are..
im getting restless...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 26 September :: 12.13 am
:: Mood: undecided.. pretty serious/reflective
:: Music: papa roach - tightrope
stayin up late... lookin through old poetry and talkin to matt and lucass....
May 13, 2002
Orange Juice
in this picture, you are close to me
our hazy blue eyes matched like they always did
only yours reflected your smile
you brightened up the picture more than the flash
you were always optimistic, that is, until it came to work, and then you
turned lazy as all hell, searching for the easy way out so as to
remain naïve and unexperienced
i am still jealous of that
you’d constantly lend me your shoulder or your coat to shield the rain
but you grew tired quickly – i wish you had more patience
you were like a cub – always pouncing too early, then losing interest
you gave up gaining greatness for the passive life
i’ve wondered why, after all these years, you never realized my
demand is perpetual
i left a bitter scent on your orange shirts
you acted that way- silly and slightly obnoxious, just like those shirts
you always wore
sometimes i wish you’d just grow up, shut up
you were just like orange juice: so sweet, yet so sour when something
else is sweeter
mark... where did we go wrong? where did i screw up? what happened to all of what we had? you made me the horrid person i am today. and you wont even help me along the way...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 22 September :: 12.03 am
:: Mood: energetic :)
:: Music: james bond theme song (techno remix) wow.. what has lucass gotten me into?
homecoming is a-ok
i just made love with your sweet memory
1000 times in my head
(weezer - the world has turned and left me here)
lol idk. i just love that song. blasted it on the way home.
tonight was a blast. im way happy i didnt just pout around all night. i went to andy's house and he had people over. we jsut watched monsters inc, played some n64 football game, played bs and just were loud and obnoxious..
but it was great. all the cool guys were there :)
so yea.. homecoming = :) now
renee - jason
berkey - marcus
me - elliot
way excited :) marcus and elliot are jsut hilarious. and jason is pretty damned random too (not to mention marcus and jason are way hot). e is so cool. im way pumped. now i just gotta lose the weight so i can wear my gorgeous green dress... :)
i *hope* they werent just fucking around w/ us.....
i am happy tonight
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 21 September :: 3.42 am
:: Mood: drowsy, yet lost in thought
:: Music: good charlotte - seasons
she, she screams in silence
(green day - she)
mle3 102: hey... question..
mle3 102: do u think im crazy?
mtrue2000: not at all
mtrue2000: u wanna know what i think?
mle3 102: of course
mtrue2000: hmm this is tough
mtrue2000: well i can tell that you are at least slightly depressed
*cut, cut, cut*
mtrue2000: umm
mtrue2000: but u r nice and u don't want to get others rapped up in it and feel bad for u so u try and make it look like your ok
*cut, cut, cut*
mtrue2000: darn
mle3 102: very observant :) i just figure other people's happiness is more possible and important than mine
..... im seein red...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 21 September :: 2.59 am
:: Mood: ......
:: Music: similar notion - take me under
..............
no one knows why shes dead tonight
no one can help her fight...
crying, crying
these automatic flowers wont do
(our lady peace - automatic flowers)
went to christian game/party tonight. of course... i wasnt thinking... bad situations. i just want to die.
no, i dont want to die. i just want to live another life. one worth living.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 20 September :: 10.34 am
:: Mood: random
:: Music: hoobastank - remember me
hi.
dont ask.
so i keep thinkin about this whole deal with lucass. i laugh when i think about him.
i keep thinkin about tuesday after school.. when we were standing between the band room and the girls locker room before my practice. he was on cough meds.. and um, pretending to hump me. kara was right there.i know shes still hurting. but he doesnt care. cuz hes an ass like that. i g2g...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 16 September :: 10.33 am
:: Mood: wonderful *enter phone call* falling fast
:: Music: splender - i think god can explain
trying to keep my head held high...
...but im still screwed
i stayed up till ike 130 last night talkin to matt. hes a sweetie. innocent and cute and ignorant, but a sweetie.
yea.. he definitely calmed me down. i was way way suicidal last night. he didnt know it, but i was. i cant even describe to you the way i feel when i get that way. i just want out out of this place.
so he talked me down and by the time i went to be, i was managing.
but then i woke up feelin like crap all over again. i pleaded and begged and got to stay home (until now). my mom had to fire someone, so she said shed call sometime after 11. probably pretty late after 11. well she just called. im freakin... i dont wanna go to school. i cant. im not ready. i didnt do my english, my math, and im no where near ready for this fucking AP history test... im crying again. and this time im trying to hard to stop. but i know i wont. i hate school. i hate school. i hate school. why did i take these classes? i dont belong in ap history! i dont give a shit about bacon's rebellion! i dont care about charles II. they dont matter to me! i dont wanna learn about them! its just way too hard.
but its too late to drop. plus, choffel wouldnt have let me. she didnt let emily alt.
i dont know what to do. my parents are gonna kill me. i wanna kill me. there are so many things weighing down on me. im still shaken bout klein's party on saturday. theres a huge group going to homecoming and im not in it. i dont have a date or someone to ask for hc either. i dont wanna cheer anymore. im sick of lying to myself and setting unreachable goals.
i came back to this song.. its saved me so many times before. i can only pray it will this time.
no one is there to save me.
no one is there to catch me when i fall.
where do i turn to now?
where are you when i need you?
oh wait... you dont exist...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 15 September :: 11.07 pm
:: Mood: muy triste
:: Music: incubus - warning
ive had enough of the world and its people's mindless games
(incubus - pardon me)
wow... im a fucking liar. you know that?
but the only person ive lied to is myself.
and now im so miserable. why couldnt i see the truth? because it hurts? because it makes me want to leave this place?
i want to cry until my tears run dry.
i want to sleep until eternity.
i want to escape this prison of lies.
how long can i scream out in vain?
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 15 September :: 3.28 pm
:: Mood: afterglow
:: Music: gavin rossdale - adrenaline
CC WENT DOWN!
fuck yea! 13-7!
(taken from my profile)
... i never *really* knew what school pride was, i never *really* beleived in our team, and after a 0-20 bb season and a 0-2 start to football, id never cheered for a winning team...
AND THEN WE BEAT CATHOLIC!
we did it for misner
WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT
NO, WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT
WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!
CC WENT DOWN! 13-7
and thats just the beginning...
3 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
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