hoo-hah

today was gonna be the day
how great would it be to die of laughter? how wonderful would it be to laugh so hard it kills you?

what could be more incredible, more phenomenal, more exhilarating, more lifting than laughing so hard and so wild and so free that you have complete cardiac arrest and just... die?

wouldn't it be beautiful to die to music? wouldn't it be perfect to be so overcome by it that you just lock up and open up at the same time and you don't know whether to laugh or cry and finally just burst?

what could be more enlivening, more vitalizing, more thrilling than to love music so deeply and so insanely and so fanatically that it drowns out everything, and your head feels like it's floating in your own blood and you just... die?

how sweet would it be to die of art? how magical would it be to be so in awe of it that you feel failing and worthless that you just cry yourself to an early grave?

what could be more fulfilling, more gratifying, more elating than to want art so desperately, so urgently, so badly that you can only drop to your knees, grab your chest and... die?

i'm jealous...
of your family. i'm jealous of the fact that you don't visit your father/mother. i'm jealous of the fact that your parent doesn't give/receive allimony. i'm jealous of the fact that your parents are both going to your graduation. i'm jealous of the fact that all your brothers and sisters are your brothers and sisters. i'm jealous of the fact that your parents can sit down in the same room. i'm jealous of the fact that it grosses you out when they're romantic. i'm jealous of the fact that you can have a meal with your whole family. i'm jealous of the fact that both your parents love you and love one another. i'm jealous of the fact that you're not a "divorced child". i'm jealous. i'm jealous of you.

my body.
warm breath. wide hips. tight skin. slender arms. smooth flesh. scented hair. love handles. moist lips...

frail.

vuluptuous.

small.

alluring.

mine.

yours.

you spend two years of your life, two years, two years which is a long time when you're just 16 just being together, being the greatest of friends, doing what you do best together. you're there everyday, and he's by your side, and no matter what trouble you get into, he's got your back, he's always there.

he was my friend. he was my best friend. that time lucy took the bat for me he was there to drive us to the hospital. when i owed zachary all that money, he came through. that day jamelle stepped on the wrong toes, he didn't have me, didn't let me make a mockery out of myself for that scheming conniving bitch. when i came so close to...

then you get drunk and stupid.

and then he's up your shirt.

and you're thinking, "when did this happen? why did this happen? why is this happening to me?"

why? i'm not sure. young and drunk is a bad combination.

i loved him in such a special way, and things got in the way of that. he got in the way of that. and instead of my best friend, he turned into this "close personal friend". and everytime i said it, i felt...ick. how could he do that to me? how dare he?

how dare you? how dare you want this from me? how dare you believe that just because i exist my body belongs to you? how dare you expect me to be yours because you did something for me? how dare you want my body for nothing in return? no care, no love, no consent... you need my consent.

you should've asked.

i should've stopped you.

i should have done a lot of things.

and in the end, i can't list off all the "how dare you"s i want to yell at the world. i want to yell at every guy i've ever dumped, and every girl that's ever dumped me and i can't because i just don't have the right. i gave my body. i didn't stop him. i didn't stop her. i didn't stop anybody. because i love everybody.

stupid. i want to make the world happier. how stupid of me. what was i thinking?

so i yelled.

"you call me and expect me to come crawling back to you? what do you take me for? your booty call? at least have the decency to say so if that's what you want, i've been booty call before! you killed this, not me, and if you ever think about touching me again i will personally tell the boys to rape you! how dare you, how dare you how dare you!" i yelled for so long. then i cried. i can't believe i cried. he made me cry again.

but no i can't blame him. not entirely, anyway. i cried because i felt guilty i was yelling at him. stupid.

i'm so stupid. i was so stupid. forget it, fuck that. this is my body. the least you can do is ask. i'm not a drunk anymore. i'm not gonna be stupid. this is my body. you want in, then you want everything that comes with it. my head, my thoughts, my feelings, my, my...

if you want the vessel, you're getting me with it. i'm in it. i can't leave it. you can't take me out of it. you can pretend i'm not there for the time being, and it helps when i wish i wasn't there. but it's over. i don't wanna leave my body just so you can have your space with my flesh and my skin. i feel like scratching it all off. i feel like i wish i was somebody else, in another body, i wish i could peel the very life off of it.

stop trying to get into my pants. stop asking me to spend some time with you when what you're really thinking is "let's have a few drinks and get on the couch." stop it.

stop it before i kill you.

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Drama class...
ToTo: What are you doing?
Andy: Writing my monologue *writes "Monologue" at the top of a blank piece of paper* See?
ToTo: ...*wild laughter*
Andy: How come I feel like everytime I say something, you're going to blog it?
ToTo: (under her breath) Baa Raaa...

On the phone long-distance to California...
Kaileen: What're you doing?
ToTo: I'm trying to open the thing, but the thing is gone.
Kaileen: Oh yeah, that thing and like you pull it to open the thing...
ToTo: Yes. But the thing's broken and now I can't open the thing.
Kaileen: Uf, I hate those things.
ToTo: Things should die.
Kaileen: We're talking about sex, right?

what's your favourite flower?

i don't have one.

and since i'm sick with a fever (i missed school today) you will all send me flowers. not literally.

your favourite flower. show me a picture.

*sneeze* poor sick little tater tot. make me feel better, ok?

random thoughts from a toto's mind.
the beauty of IB Theatre Arts... where else do i get graded to dirty dance to britney spears? (don't ask)

Gigli. ok, so i hated this movie, but i just had to, had to, share this.

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in more toto related news, you may have noticed my absense. this is due to the fact that a month into school, i have turned into a lifeless slaving studying-machine. i don't go home til 4. saturdays and tuesdays for forensics, the rest of the week for math. see, they're getting us IB students to tutor the pre-cal classes before their big test on matrices, and well... you don't need to know anymore.

but i do miss you all. i promise you i'll try to make a come back tonight, if i get done all my homework early enough. vanden boom, verstraete, get online! i miss all both of you!

oh and whatever happened to that online party you were throwing for me, vanden boom? you trying to cheat me out of a party? *narrows eyes suspiciously*

so i'm watching this discovery channel thing on formula 1 "indie" cars. it's a follow up on last week's. did you know that an indie car can go from naught to 160km (100miles) per hour in just 3 seconds? a lot of people say it's the car that makes the winner, but let's be objective about this. so ferrari, now the leading champions for 6 years in a row (going on 7), did not win a single tournament, not even for third, from 1979 up to 1998 (i believe). in 1995 they hire micheal shcumacher, the greatest driver in the world. for the first 2 or 3 years, he's warming up, and then he goes on a winning streak.

jack vilnov, the canadian driver, did not win a total of 10 races in 3 years. they boot him and get button, the brit guy, to drive the exact same car, and he suddenly starts winning.

cars make the winners? i think not.

indie cars have wings on their sides. true, honest-to-God airplane wings. the only difference is they're turned upside down. if they weren't, the cars would fly. the wings are used for the opposite effect. while airplane wings require lift, indie cars use their wings for "down force". it helps the driver control the car better. the down force is so great at top speeds, that by the time the driver reaches 190km per hour, he can drive the car on the walls and ceiling of a tunnel. it's even greater than the force of gravity.

you think anyone can drive that kinda power?

cars make the winner?

please.

don't insult heroes.

oh and, andy, woohu-man. happy birthday!

p.s. the good news is, i don't have to go get that pesky surgery on my eyelid, so yay!

wedding pictures and things! and misch.
so you all know we went to the wedding.

it was a special occasion so i cleaned my room.




you've seen andy's dress?



well she looked very nice.



i like to think i did too.



andy thought so too but i won't be posting that picture. she may look naked in her picture, but i'm actually naked in mine. mean.

the next morning was also fun. we enjoyed spongebob.



then andy murdered him.



so he molested her.



this made toto slightly uncomfortable.




but she was also happy because her lily bloomed.



on the other hand, did i tell you about the korean guy who dyed his hair like iha?



but that's a whole other story.

we also played with my cat.



no seriously, with my cat.



did you guys meet my turtle? she's a little shy.



i named her Ibuki.



she's so small.



but i've grown very attatched to the critter.



the end.

when you're ripe
henrich ibsen is my new hero.

read hedda gabler.

books have got to be the greatest thing to ever happen to the world.

when i was a kid i started reading everything i could get my hands on. by second grade i was done with beverly cleary and betsy byars. so i wanted bigger better books. by fourth grade i'd read 7 shakespeares, ivanhoe, 12 mercedes lackey books, moby dick, jane eyre, little women, pride and prejudice... creepy little kid, huh?

picture little faygo, sitting on a minature rocking chair, feet won't reach the floor, reading a book bigger than my head.

it happened every day for years.

my brother thought i was sick. he yelled at me, then went whining to my mom that i wasn't right in the head. "what kinda kid sits in her room and reads for fun? why won't she go to her friends' houses? why won't she watch TV?"

the more he wanted me to be like him, the more i wanted to read. i've always been stubborn.

the truth is...

i wanted to be smarter than my brother. i thought if i was smarter than him, i might have a chance, might be a worthy competitor for the love, affection and attention of our parents. my father noticed, and he taught me other things, things i didn't learn from reading my books. somehow, my brother was still ahead. so i read even more.

it didn't work. oh well.

eventually, i figured out that i wasn't gonna get what i was after by reading. so i started figuring, i have to start looking for answers. and when i figured that, i figured, i need some questions. and so it began.

questions. my whole life revolves around questions. in everything i do, everything i say, i always have questions. and the more questions i came up with, the easier it got for me to find my answers in the world of literary giants. and i won't stop asking my questions. answers mean nothing if you didn't ask the question.

i found a lot of answers. not just in literature like the kind i stuck to as a kid, but elsewhere. i can listen to other people, and i can learn what i want to learn from them. most of the time i seem kinda spaced out, but i still listen.

i love it when other people, people around me, also have questions. if i have the answers they're looking for, i can share them. if i share the questions, then we can look for answers together. i'm not very good alone, it seems. i never really thought about that.

books.

i love books because

the truth is

books give me questions. they make me want to look for answers. books won't make me smart, books won't make me loved, books won't make me special. they'll just make me want to learn. then they'll help me learn, because even when we're looking for answers, books won't give them to us, they'll just sort of, tell us where to find them.

books. they're the greatest thing to ever happen to this world.

the most beautiful morning in the world
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

and you wasted the beautiful morning sleeping.

then you wasted noontime walking around in your pajamas, cursing at your family.

by midday, you've achieved nothing. you haven't even stepped outside to enjoy the breeze. what a waste. what a waste.

have you ever noticed how beautiful people look in sunlight? sunlight is the most natural and astounding form of beautification known to humankind. in the sunlight, hair seems to be alive, like an independent entity, its own form of beauty. the way you squint a little in the sun, and shade your eyes with your hands. it's staggeringly beautiful. the colour of your eyes gets lighter, and they look like water in the sun.

this morning, i woke up, stood on my balcony and watched the boys from upstairs swim in the pool downstairs. russians, 3 brothers. 19, 17, 12. the oldest one just sort of sat around and read, every once in a while he'd look up and check on his brothers. he was acting like a parent. it was the most charming thing i'd seen in a long time.

a relationship is something between equals. when you're a 14, 15 year old housekeeper, you kinda look for responsibility in your relationships. it's what suckers me, someone who can carry their own weight. i admire a man who can be home alone all weekend and not trash the place, get arrested and lose his virginity in 15 minutes. it's kinda rare. sucks.

but back to beautiful mornings.

mornings like this i kinda wish we had green grassy hills to lie down on, and flowers over your head with clouds that look like famous people. then i wish there's someone there who'll point them out and laugh at you when all you see in them is matt bellamy. laugh at me.

i wish the whole world could be awake every morning and do that. the whole world should wake up on beautiful mornings, find someone nice and lie down on grassy hills with flowers over their heads and look at the clouds that look like famous people. or if you're in kuwait, go out to one of those nice lonely areas, where it's windy and lie on top of the car and watch the clouds go by. everyone should.

the most phenomenal things in the world happen in the morning. sunrise. birds. flowers bloom. that perfect light that makes everyone beautiful. the clouds. and everyone's asleep. what a waste. what a waste.

what a waste.

weekend
http://www.bookcouncil.org.nz/writers/williiamsmona.html

my english teacher. she interviewed with oprah winfrey. she published at least 24 children's books. she is awesome.

moving on...

things that happened this week. i made a calculator from scratch on msdos. i took a math test. my chorus class destroyed the song that was "i will" (beatles). ms. williams said "praise you!" three times to me because i'm reading king lear for the hundredth time. i'm ahead of the class in java and CAD programming. i also found out, i'm the only girl in the whole class, and one of only 3 girls taking the course in total. i hung out a lot at the office and with mr. ray. (i've come to the conclusion that both ray and harring are CIA. why else would they have been in our school since it opened?) i learned the chauffer and hands. that's pretty much it. not a very interesting week.

on a brigter note, the wedding wasa huge success! laughter and nice things like that. you know. dancing dancing dancing, eating eating eating. then again, there were quite a few horrors. some dressed in giant orange christmas trees, others, fake blondes with gigantic breasts and a practically-tube-that-i-have-to-hold-on-to-or-i'll-flash-the-room-top
that beat themselves when they danced. mfunis was everywhere. but we had fun. we danced. arabian style. yay.

oh and i've got a surprise for you later on tonight. keep an eye out for funny things from sears.

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computer geek wants what she wants
i don't need this, i take programming and scripting, i make my own results. *pops knuckles*

Your Ultimate One Night Stand... by crispnite
Woohu
Favorite animal
You invite over...
They bring...
You talk about...
You end up...	having wild passionate sex for days on end
Quiz created with MemeGen!

you know you all wish you were this good