::
2004 30 August :: 10.56 pm
:: Mood: confused
first, i must tell you, neil and i got in a sort of fight. more like i was yelling at him.
i wont get into it.
but then i couldnt sleep...first cuz i was crying...and cuz i always feel bad for yelling at him...
then i had a dream.
::gets out notebook:: i wrote it down in study hall.
I was with jackie, patrice, jill, sandy and the same guys as a few entries before. We went to dinner and afterwards, visited another school and listened to their band/orchestra play. They were actually really really horrible, but we thought they were okie...maybe it was some circumstance we knew that i didnt actually know. we went to the parking lot and the girls got in the car but the guys decided it was nice and stayed out there so we got out too. we started looking at the stars and they were shooting...but not just straight across.
"Do shooting stars change direction?" I asked, as if no one else could see them (my dream is beginning to sound narrative-like).
After a while, they got boring and we all trotted down to the dock. Two signs saying 'play dog #1' and the corresponding number two on the higher level of the dock. i took the first one out on a leash...he was a happy playful dog. then he started to get growly and i got more cautious. he randomly ran and jumped in the water (we're on a dock, remember) and we were like, "hey we should pull him back"...but it was really casual...until we saw the tail fin of a dolphin (beluga whale; white, small) and the dog tried to bite it. We kicked it into high gear, attempting to pull the dog out of the water. Eventually succeeding, the dog approached me, glaring at me and circled me, growling. i got scared and pulled my arms and legs into my hoodie and woke up shaking uncontrollably at five thirty five in the morning in the same position i was hiding from the dog. i couldnt go back to sleep for a while. i was afraid to close my eyes becasue the dog was going to get me, which, of course, i know is dumb, but my subconscious would catch me everytime i got halfway rested.
yea....thats all really i wanted to say.
martini? |
::
2004 28 August :: 1.46 pm
so hello...
today im going to a five year olds birthday party!
last night i had a dream...
i was at some kind of building...and for some reason we were laying on the floor...waiting for something to start i think. and i felt really lonely so i started smelling people...like hul and wender. then i smelled bentons cheek...which was really weird cuz i was smelling everyone elses shoulders. and then i kissed benton, and it felt wonderful...like the loneliness drifted away. and i started hoping no one saw...but kyle hul and wender were all over at the ticket booth asking a question, and although there were more people around me, i only cared what those three thought and so i kissed him again.
::shrugs:: i dont know...
um...let's see...in other news...(can it be news if its not quite new?)
i still miss neil...gee, you needed to hear that to know...ill write another entry about that...
um...yea this was mostly for the dream...
oh yea and im going to give the link to neil...
all the ones i dont want him to read, ill 'friends only'
martini? |
::
2004 27 August :: 8.14 pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: radio
gerbilness
my gerbil is dying.
shes got a lazier eye now and her paws were bloody the other day.
she also was really fat and now shes super skinny.
shes gonna die
shes old
::sigh:: i want another pet though...
on a happier note...
my birthday is sunday!
woo!
ill be r-rated and able to stay out late!
yay!!!
2 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 22 August :: 11.24 pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: radio
im talking to the sandy kim and sort of the goli and just talked to the hul-ay!
today i did allstate, as well as yesterday......
PEE-POLE:
angela ames and laura mohs from LHS are in and laura's fun to talk to.
katlin is from resurrection hs in chicago...going to be a junior i believe...i dont know shes cool though.
carmel kid is obviously from carmel, but not jessica harling...he's cool....i understand why carmel's plays arent all that great...in the first place, the plays arent exactly moving around plays so much as im gonna stand....and talk....and not only that....the director thinks her work is incredibly talented making people stand and talk for blocking because "it looks natural". and of course, being a catholic school, funding is not abundant, but even when they have it, they spend it on dumb things....i dont remember examples but anyways....carmel kid is cool
sublime kid...i havent talked to him much but him and his friend.....sublime kid's real name is AJ...they're really funny...they're from naperville
jeremy...hes the first person i talked to that i hadnt known before! he's a sweetheart. he's a real tall black guy (no, im not racist)...and he's awesome...he's from a little town down south i believe...but no southern accent. he's funny too. his school only has about four hundred people in it. oh and he has really soft hair!
the cool bryan....look at this! an actor! we had to do interviewish things...which wasnt that bad, cept it was at nine on the first day...we would have rather gone home but anyway...i talked to him and i dont remember where he goes but he has really really cool hair, like jeremy's but not so soft. but he spells his name with a Y so he's cooler than the brian....which i dont really knwo but eh.
drew and woody (bruce): holy....i dont know...southerners. they're friends from the same school....in rockford....straight west of here (north of chicago)...but yea. and they dont accept my suggestions or anything and it pisses me off! but eh. they're okie i guess.....they dont do a whole lot of talking to me but i got put in a group with just them so ::shrugs::...oh well we're done with our piece so yea. oh and its funny cuz drew calls a hammer a "beater".
jeramiah...wow...thats such an awesome name i love it. there's soemthing sweet, and cool...like calm and relaxing... about it. i dont know...he looks like mushroom...only his hair isnt so shiny, he's skinnier and.....no, no, hes just about as cute.
cool kid with the beard (ben) is a senior just as most people are. his eyes are such a pretty shade of green/hazel...i dont know (i love brown eyes). he has a full beard but its not that long...well okie it is...its not system long...lol. and he has long curly hair...all dirty dirty blonde. but his eyes arent just pretty. they have an attractively kind quality about them...like you could cry on his shoulder really easily and know he cares. that kind of kind. but he's really quiet and funny when he talks. dont remember where hes from either.
pietro...i think thats it...i dont know...its a cool name tho...wonder what nationality it is....anyway..at first i didnt talk to him much cuz usually its relaly hard to talk to deaf people....but its fairly easy....only a few words are difficult to understand...and i had a long convo with him...he's cool....hes just a normal kid...oh god that sounds horrible.....i know i know....but laura (a deaf girl at VHHS) and the one in crew.... they're harder to get along with......mostly cuz they dont talk....i dont know....he's treated well at his school...he was talking about people there. he lives in naperville.
matt...hes the tech director...one of them...he's really easy going and extremely positive but its awesome cuz he tells you what he means and if he doesnt like it, he helps you fix it rather than just being like grr you did it wrong. i had him for my interview and he kept saying fantastic!...he still does that with various encouraging words.
bob is the other TD. hes real rough.....like hes in his seventies and you can tell hes had years of experience. he has good suggestions but hes gonna be an ass closer to the show...you can tell.
anne...we're moving into people i dont like, which thankfully, the list currently has two people on it....anyway...shes not really that bad...shes real hyper but that isnt the thing....shes a cheerleader...or bred that way...she has cheer shorts and ive never actually heard someone say SHUT UP! like they do in princess diaries...but apparently, it happens. shes a valley girl...yea....thats all...and she cant remember my name for shit...and pretends she knows......
casey kid...okie.....just like casey skeens....the way he walks...and talks....and he does the whole shaking hands thing too....he has an ego...and hes like casey. hes also henry ford.
oh and theres this kid that looks like little mike from LHS....and his name's mike...but hes not him. little mike is still popping amps at LHS....as laura told me today.
FOOD
yea its really not that great.
salad: of course yummy, fresh...salad dressing has no spoons!!!
veggie salad: fresh veggies with vinagerette...yummy as well.
pasta: weird ass noodles, ketchup and water sauce, uncooked meatballs.
sandwiches: the meat doesnt like you if you make your own, or if you get the prewrapped, the bread is so tough you have to rip at it with your teeth.
fruit: need i say how yummy little bananas are after craving food? and the valencia (new word for you all-means orange) oranges were yummy and perfect juicy for the ride home and apples are fun for chats after cleaning.
BUILDING
this is what we're there for right...lol
well, the majority of the large pieces are built.
towers: there are six, box on top, box on bottom, flats in between...at least twelve feet tall.
staircases: large and small, they got built....but holy stairs on the big ones! they are gigantic.taller than any at VHHS yet.
platforms: the girl has issues....cuz the rest of her group is guys and dont listen to her common sense, not to mention the fact that shes never built set before. everything has so much detail in wood...would be easier in foam but wood is easier to transport without getting ruined.
gates: these are cool....angela's on them though, along with jeremy....but i dont wanna tell her cuz shes irritating as it is with her i know everything attitude.
bleachers: finally, the project im on. difficult to figure out from the plans, seeing as they're incredibly vague (that how you spell it?) but like a picnic bench....only four of them in stair shape. but we got it to be amazingly stable....which matt was enthusiastic about!
i guess thats it... hm....yes i suppose....its okie...about the same as i thought...im just bummed about not being able to hang out with everyone at theatre fest.
1 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 17 August :: 2.04 pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: some radio station
neil
contrary to most other entries about neil, this one is positive.
first, allow me to begin by saying i woke up this morning to a warm, gentle kiss on my forehead.
i opened my eyes to him, who recently, ive been feeling a deeper love for. love is hard to describe, its just this feeling in your heart and you know it. but now its stronger and i like it.
i liked waking up and making breakfast with him. i hope that he is my future because he makes me feel so good. when i cry about my mum or my friends, he holds me and rocks me, comforting me. and when im mad at him, he explains himself and apologizes and no matter what we're disagreeing on, we agree at the end...because we know how to get across what we're trying to say rather than just hoping it'll go away and letting it build up.
i dont want to be too hopeful though. it feels like we have forever when he's leaving only FIVE days from now.
i didnt realise it was so close.
oh, sinking feeling.
oh thats not good. i thought it was further away. in the summer, everything seems so floaty...and dates dont matter...
i think ill go see him...i dont know...
2 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 9 August :: 10.40 pm
:: Music: breaking benjamen
went to the race today...mushrooms back...my dad was 13/16 with his team of three, my bro 14/16 when i left...jens babysitting.....cathy's here.....neils in gurnee with the rest of the world.....cathy's here and were gonna go for a walk cuz my mum's being super-bitch again.
martini? |
::
2004 6 August :: 5.12 pm
1 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 4 August :: 11.16 pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Enya
Fucking relaxing bath...
im gonna pop mr. bubble's bubble
set fire to burt's bees hives
shoot dove
put venus in a good fly trap
and rip apart all the water molecules in the universe.
yes.
my bath sucked.
i inhaled bubbles.....and it hurts like fuck in the bronchial tube...
then i got soap in my eye from burt's bees...
the water wouldnt get hot...
the other day i cut myself with the razor
and im cursing dove although its done nothing but run out on me.
not to mention, my brother walked in on me...it wasnt that bad ::shrugs:: although i think i would have preffered someone else...
anyway.
ive been a real basket case this week....i cleaned the whole downstairs
Mood swings like CRAZY!
Attracting the male more
and crazy driving
yup...im not even gonna bother writing about today...its not that intresting to anyone but jen...and she was there...
basically i felt like a little kid all day...
1 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 23 July :: 1.45 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: fan ::zzzzz...fffffff...zzzzzz...fffff...::
Play-Doh (acutally fun-dough, but eh..)
im playing with play-doh yay!
i just wnat neil
yes.
thats all.
2 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 22 July :: 5.10 pm
Paitence
Guns & Roses
Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now
Said woman take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow
And we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(inhale) Patience...
Ooh, oh, yeah
Sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider
Said woman take it slow
Things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said sugar take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes to make it
We won't fake it, Oh never break it
'Cause I can't take it
...little patience, mm yeah, ooh yeah,
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more pati... (ence, yeah)
I've been walking these streets at night
Just trying to get it right (Need some patience, yeah)
It's hard to see with so many around
You know I don't like being stuck in a crowd (Could use some patience, yeah)
And the streets don't change but baby the name
I ain't got time for the game
'Cause I need you (Patience, yeah)
Yeah, yeah well I need you
Oh, I need you (Take some patience)
Whoa, I need (Just a little patience is all we need)
Ooh, this ti- me....
martini? |
::
2004 21 July :: 11.48 am
Everlast
What It's Like Lyrics
We've all seen the man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange
He ask the man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes
Get a job you fuckin' slob's all he replied
[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues
Then you really might know what it's like [X4]
Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said don't worry about a thing baby doll I'm the man you've been dreamin' of
But three months later he said he won't date her or return her call
And she sweared god damn if I find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls
And then she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walkin' through the doors
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore
[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it's like [X4]
I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green
I stroked daddies dimes at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends on where you start
I knew this kid named Max
He used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late at night
Liked to get shit faced
And keep pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big gun fight
Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45
Talked some shit
And wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of his pain
You know it crumbles that way
At least that's what they say when you play the game
[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose
Then you really might know what it's like [X4]
To have to lose...
1 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 21 July :: 2.15 am
:: Mood: contemplative
so im going on vacation from the journal for a while.
all my entries are going to be restricted for a while...mostly becasue they'll probably be about you...yes thats right...no bullshit here
bye
1 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 20 July :: 3.52 am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: U2~where the streets have no name
all your life, you're told
"dont live to make other people happy"
unless of course, your family is like that...
thats all you know and so therefore expect others to do so too
and those who did not grow up in that atmosphere learn that if they do not make people happy, those people who grew up that way, than they go away
no one likes to piss people off.
but who actually wants to live to make everyone else happy
and so thats why im telling you
im sick of it
if i piss you off
you're going to have to deal with it; chances are you've pissed me off too..
if you arent going to tell me about it...then dont...
deal with it...and i trust you wouldnt care enough about me then...because your anger would lead to your avoidence.....and im sick of trying and i
i hate those times where you want nothing more than to just lay down and be there...
let everything go
because you know that someone doesnt want you there.
martini? |
::
2004 20 July :: 2.37 am
LIVE
Lightning Crashes
Lightning crashes, a new mother cries
Her placenta falls to the floor
The angel opens her eyes
The confusion sets in
Before the doctor can even close the door
Lightning crashes, an old mother dies
Her intentions fall to the floor
The angel closes her eyes
The confusion that was hers
Belongs now
To the baby down the hall
Oh now feel it, coming back again
Like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
Forces pulling from the centre of the earth again
I can feel it
Lightning crashes, a new mother cries
This moment she's been waiting for
The angel opens her eyes
Pale blue coloured iris presents the circle
And puts the glory out to hide, hide
Oh now feel it, coming back again
Like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
Forces pulling from the centre of the earth again
I can feel it
Barbara Lewis (1973-1993)
martini? |
::
2004 20 July :: 2.04 am
:: Mood: so many feelings
:: Music: "chill out and take a load off" mix
oh the words i wish i could tell you...
there are so many things im feeling...
but i couldnt type them in here
i couldnt tell them to someone
nor could i write them down
i'd want to tell you how sorry i am.....if only i knew what for...
its one of those times where i need to vent
but i couldnt possibly
im trapped in a world where i've allowed everyone else to talk so much
that they've gotten used to it
and my feelings seem to be unimportant.
and if they are important
i couldnt say them
because i only hurt people by saying them
i try so hard to make them feel okie
but then i mention things
and feel horrible
i know no one will read this
but for whatever i did...
although i didnt try to hurt you
im sorry.
3 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 19 July :: 2.31 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: 106.7 ::drip, drip:: the fish
so senior picutres today...i think i spend less time getting ready for dances...lol
so ill finish about the concert later...but check it out tnt...
went to the Renaissance Faire yesterday with Q, Stunkel and Q's family.
twas a party...better had i had money but still good
oh look...now am listneing to chevelle
:)
adios
2 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 15 July :: 12.28 pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: 106.7 ::drip, drip:: The Fish
holy awesome concert
so last night was the concert and it was awesome...
incubus always is!!!!!!!!
there was a like ten minute drum solo featureing brandon on bongos and i think his name is ben (new bassist) and of course jose. and after they came back out i agree with the kids we met at denny's (that'll be later) but it was kinda disappointing.
of course the lights were awesome, and they played a different version of drive which was awesome...and they played "pistola" and then a whole mess of morning view and then some science!!! woo science...not enough make yourself tho...it was sad!!!
i wish a few more from
martini? |
::
2004 10 July :: 7.17 pm
:: Mood: hot
:: Music: 94.7 zone
hello
i live in a sauna
enter the sauna
you may not return from the sauna
but the sauna has a fan
and three windows
VISIT THE SAUNA!!!
martini? |
::
2004 8 July :: 12.04 pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: chevelle
im going swimming!!!!!!!!!
woo!
okie...recap of last couple days...
so the other day patrice slept over and in the morning when i was going to take her home (okie so it was four o'clock) hul and Q and stunkel came over... i walked with hul and Q and stunkel down the railroad across milwalkee and into the libertyville forest preserve...then from there we found the path and ended up on st. mary's and we walked down that to sixty and then to rivertree to visit buttface/trix/patrice...and then to best buy where i saw anthony and andy and mark (he lost loads of weight and got taller)...
upon arriving home nick called hul and met him at the corner...and then they came over...
well i promised Q id take him back to best buy so he could buy whatever he wanted...and then, again, upon arriving home, more people were there...
kyle, benton, jackie, sandy (who i asked to come get her ice cream) were all there.
i must remind you all i wanted was to take a warm bath with some national geografic story about the rest of the world being as wasteful as the US and then relax while watching a movie that i hadnt watched in a while.
but then i had to wait a few hours for everyone to leave.
and jen ended up sleeping over cuz she came home...
next day (i actually have no idea what order these go in...but yea)
then neil came home and so i went to see him right after my useless doctor appt. which only told me to go see a dentist cuz my ears/head have been doing a lot of hurting.
so neils...yea fun about an hour there...then i went to go pick up sandy and patrice so we could bake a cake at jens for mushroom...although the first ended up being for us...marble with chocolate frosting...
then sandy had to go home so i took her and met jen and patrice at the park later...then we decided to get frosting for mushrooms cake/ cupcakes....and went to get sandy (she had to make dinner for sus hermanos)
then, returning to jens, Q called needing rescueing from kurt and them...cuz they went miniture golfing and he didnt have any money...
so i took patrice with me and driving down milwalkee this car turned left in front of us and (yes, we had a green light) we thought "the next car isnt going to go" but it did and i almost killed us again...
no airbags=no good...but no accident=all okie!
then coming back i notice that my thermostat was all the way at hot and flashing...so after dropping off Q i turned off the car and trix and i sat in the car (doom doom doom de doom) and waited for the madre to pick us up to take trix home...
and what else but get yelled at...
oh well.
last night campy and jen and i went to jennas after sending mushroom his cupcakes
jen and i jumped in the cold water but they didnt ...
after that we came home and we went to pet stores cuz jen wants a frog but no luck...she bought more hamster stuff...
my bro's gonna give her his though...
his froggie died
oh and i saw a picture of an australian shepard who's five yrs old with green eyes and reddish fur whose owners moved to florida and she needs a home and shes perfect so shes coming to visit today or friday
yes...and today im going swimming..
and i love neil...endlessly...
i dont want to be away from him its horrible sitting in his van becasue all i want to do is hold his hand but i cant cuz hes too far away...
:)
okie swimmy time!
martini? |
::
2004 3 July :: 3.54 pm
so my dad went and bought a M3...
its awesome!
only problem is
i know there'll be a fight t'night
anyone wanna do something?
martini? |
::
2004 30 June :: 5.11 pm
so last night sandy and patrice slept over.
we talked and then headed to get sandy ice cream...not that she needed any...
and then to blockbuster after realising patrice couldnt find now and then and freaking her out at her house with my headlights and corny bean.
and then we came and made cookies
and sandy kim left after abotu twenty minutes of Now and Then
and trix and i talked til five in the morning...
then...today we woke up and trix had to go get her retainer..
and sandy called
this is the part i feel bad about.
neil and i were supposed to see The Notebook yesterday...but he didnt want to see two movies in one day
so we decided to see it today
but i neglected to tell sandy and patrice that...
but we didnt go see the movie
and i invited sandy to go to caribou...but she didnt want to...so i went out with neil anyway
we went to potbellys and jamba juice...
then we bought his shirts and went to the bank...
stupid fucking bank...
i deposited 117 dollars but they wouldnt let me take out twenty dollars cuz im not a signer
theres this huge sale at the mall...
EVERY STORE!!!
its amazing and i wanna spend some money
i wanna buy clothes and a hat!
i wanna hat this summer
i already have my birthday list...althoguh i know half of its not going to happen its just what i want
"White Fluffy Clouds"
{Brandon Boyd's [of Incubus] book of artwork}
"The Lovely Bones"
String Tribute to Incubus
A Job
A Job
A Job
A curling iron
a new burner or fix mine or soemthing...
and just gift certificates...
hot topic
kohl's
barnes and noble
best buy
i just got told by my brother that basically, im stupid for getting mad at neil for the shit i do cuz its dumb and i should know that at the end of the night he's "coming home" with me.
but...its hard to think of the big picture when you're in the mist of it.
adios
2 three drinks behind |
martini? |
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2004 29 June :: 1.10 pm
you know what...if you're going to read my journal, at least pretend you knwo what you're talking about before you get all pissed off...
"Maybe you shouldnt assume things."
maybe it shouldnt be assumed what i meant.
not that you should be reading my journal!
secondly
"she was occupied"
only meant that she was occupied and had something to do...and so she didnt need to talk to spencer.
PERHAPS they arent attacks against you...
but then again
everything is isnt it.
5 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 29 June :: 12.18 pm
:: Mood: good
so last night we talked.
he tried to call...i hung up
he came online...i blocked him
he came over...i was gone...
i really did not want to talk to him.
and when i finally came home, we walked
i explained why i was mad, except not so very calmly.
then when i was done i wanted to know what he thought.
but he didnt know what he thought.
so i told him to go home and think.
and went upstairs.
and he went to talk to my mum.
for like two hours...
then i went down
"if you have thought about it, then come up and tell me rather than just sitting here talking to her"
he told me why he was in the garage
"when you ran upstairs, i was crying and your mum told me to come into the garage to calm down"
so that was all i really needed.
but we discussed and talked and yes everythings okie...
sandy called whne we were talking.
so dont worry...
we're going rollerblading today
and then to see the notebook
it really reminded me of us.
::shrugs::
yea.
even her hair color!!! hehehehe
:)
thank you everyone
wender thanks for calling...i really appreciate it.
and sandy and patrice and goli thanks for listening
and advicing
and helping me understand what i felt.
:-D
you guys are good friends, see! i told you!
what is there to get mad at?
3 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 28 June :: 10.39 pm
i love Q.
only recently have i realised what a sweetheart he is...and how much he really cares about people around him...and for that, i have admired him.
he shows a certain support that no one else does.
and would sit with you in silence while you cried...just to be there.
here's proof:
This letter applies to people at Neil's
party that happened last weekend.
I am well aware of the fact that our anti-social
behavior might have caused some anger. I assume
that nobody's mad at me, but only because I'm
single and have no special someone to spend time
with. As for Neil, I believe he should have had his
priorities in order, and probably Spencer as well
(although it seems Jill wasn't too pissed
off...) she was occupied. My personal reason for sitting down and
playing video games for 11 straight hours is that I
already had had a pretty fun conversation, I drove
Benton's truck around the block, and got bored
playing guitar. There was honestly nothing else to
do, so I completely understand where you guys
were coming from if/when you talked about being
bored. I do look up to Neil, but I believe that he
should have played the part of host a little bit
better and tended to his guests before joining us
in playing a game- especially his girlfriend, who
it seemed everyone else noticed was a little bit
steamed (and quite a bit bored) except for him.
If you have not visited the forums lately, I
posted a similar comment to this already. (i'm
sending this out, in case nobody bothers to read it
anymore.)
It is one of my strongest opinions that hosts of
parties should never indulge in a single activity
with a stagnant group of people for the entire
occasion. Doing so alienates certain people. I
have been at parties where the hosts were so
involved entertaining one or two people that they were
unaware that some new guests had arrived. I try
to avoid this sort of behavior when I have people
over, party or otherwise. Before I go about
tooting my own horn, I'll stop myself.
funny...he still doesnt see that everyone else was bored....he keeps saying "there was nothing else to do"...but why were there other people doing nothing too...talking is not against all party rules.
ahhhhhh
he needs to think understand.
2 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 28 June :: 10.29 pm
are you all happy now?
i talked to him
and just what i thought.
he had nothing to say
but excuses
thats all he ever has.
he doesnt know how to apologize
i dont want to talk to him
but while thats happening
hes talking to my arch nemesis
oh joy, my mother.
shes being such a bitch to me
"im at patrice's" "so?"
"hey, im going to patrices" "whatever."
shes been such a bitch...
probbaly to show she hates that i told neil how horrible it is living with her.
whatever...im leaving.
maybe ill go to...i dont even know.
maybe ill see if sandy is still at wenders.
hopefully jackie isnt there
i didnt want her to know
btw jackie...
dont read my journal.
tahnks. appreciate it.
martini? |
::
2004 28 June :: 9.33 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: shower running through pipes over my head
horoscope
Greetings Virgo
Here is your horoscope for the week of June 28 through July 4
Chances for a meeting with someone special are there for you on Monday, when the Sun trines Uranus. If you have been feeling left out, and drowning in all the social responsibilities you have, then it is time to remedy the situation. You need some excitement and a chance to freak out once in a while. Being so perfect just isn't possible all the time. Venus in your house of career turns direct on Tuesday. Now you can make progress, and use your charm to help the process go even more smoothly.
1 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 28 June :: 12.03 am
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: Morning View
funny...i havent felt this hurt in a long time...
i guess its because he hasnt called
and because he was at jackies all day...
even funnier, there were no other cars there...
i want to cry
but it hurts too much.
i dont wnat you guys to say "im sorry" and all that...
::shrugs::
i appreciate your concern, but i dont wanna feel like this is all for pity...
because i stayed quiet in the car for a long time about it.
i think sandy and patrice knew how upset i was tho.
i didnt even cry during the notebook.
it was a good movie tho...
you should see it.
bring the tissue box.
by the end sandy was sobbing so loud...
lol
im soo happy patrice is back!!!!!
i missed her.
i like hanging out with her and sandy...
they are mucho divertido...the use of spanish was purposeful...divertido
yes.
jackie is whiningabout her ankle
its twisted.
la de fuckin da.
oh look shes on!
sweet dreams all.
g'night.
9 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 27 June :: 12.51 am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: the fierce beating of my heart
fucking boys!
so neils party was today...and it was fun...until the guys started to play video games...
for like four straight hours~same spots, same game...same shit!
so...obviously not able to join the girls relocated...soon to be overtaken by more videogame whores (like gaz from Invader Zim)...jackie, hul and benton...they wanted to race...so we left...actually....i left. people were playing guitar...cant do that...and on the computer...can do that at home...flirting (when they arent supposed to) ....and what else? video gaming. i dont think patrice had very much fun near the end either...she askeed me to go for a walk...
what pissed me off too, is that melanie...remember...dangerous girl from a few months ago...gave him boxers...
i thought it was weird for girlfriends to give guys boxers...but she did...
then...after five hours or so of not talking to me...and after i had left several times to drop people off or just plain leave...he noticed i was gone...probably only cuz goli or melanie asked where i was.
so when i went back...still playing...still fucking playing...
"neil, i'm leaving"
and melanie asked for a ride...
and neil asked for a hug...
what the fuck!?!
yea...thats right...wtf!
after all that not-spending-time with anyone thing...you want a fucking hug?
so i took her home...she forgot her purse...may i allow myself to state that my fucking gas light is on!??!
so i take her back to neils...she gets the purse...and i take her home...
i get home
"i dont wanna go home..."
i go back to neils...im gonna tell him im mad.
i go in.
he comes out with me.
"you realise you didnt spend any time but a whole ten minutes with me?" (yea, of nine hours...wonderful boyfriend) "cuz you were playing video games....i tried to get you outside and i tried to get your attention cuz im bored as fuck" (goli and i carried him outside to play wrestle but low and behold...he went to play games, complaining about how he was winning....fucker)
"you're mad at me for trying to have fun?
"whatever...bye."
no hug for the noo noo...
no kiss for the noo noo...:-D
i realise its sorta dumb...but being a host to the party, you cant just forget half you guests.
whatever...::Sigh::
its wonderful the mother isnt home...free reign.
no gas tho...anyone know where a citgo is around here? its the only card i have.
adios!
4 three drinks behind |
martini? |
::
2004 25 June :: 1.22 am
:: Mood: confused
so...two positives and a negative...
its psychology...doesnt hurt as much i guess...
neil
he's amazing perfect
me"why'd you stay?"
him"because if i went home, id just worry if you were ok. i didnt want to think of you crying and wish i was here helping you stop."
fight with mother
she started asking neil when hes going to canada to start his cruise to alaska...
in two weeks she wants to send me on the same flight to canada so i can spend time with the relatives which ive been dying to do.
only thing is...ive been promised soo much...that i give up on believing her...and so i told her so
and neil told me it seems like i pick my fights with her...
so i explained to him how hard it is to have patience with her...
because she doesnt remember and she repeats and shes slow and she hates people for no reason and gets pissed off so easily....and the whole bit....with examples...
and i had to do laundry
so i got up...and she was sitting on the stairs...
that pissed me off...
that is horrible disrespect.
and neil calmed me down...because hes a sweetheart...
but i asked if it bothers him when i talk about my family and stuff...cuz i told him how jealous i am of his perfect family and family outings and kind mother who cleans his room and shit...
and he said "it bothers me when you upset yourself"
for some reason
my heart dropped
and it hurt
i dont understand. why did it hurt when i heard that?
maybe i dont want to hurt him...
or maybe because i realised i just spent twenty minutes of his time making him hate me.
maybe thats why...
im not sleeping for a while...
i dont want my eyes to be puffy in the morning...
i talked to 'shonsky:
im cold-hearted and horrible.
him hey
me hi
how are u
am okie nad you
ehh i've been better but otherwise ok
why
I"m jsut getting sick of ppl
oh yea?
who
jsut ppl overall
like not everyone but ppl
lol
yea....right....you're lying
no i'm not...i'm sick of Disrespect from ppl
no one respects me..
i know
have you ever thought of soem disrespect you show them as well tho?
yea i know i do 2
an egotistical, overpowering image you have...everyone thinks you see yourself as better as they are
but i'm ont
no matter how confident you really are...thats how you appear and sound
you're teling me you're not...but im telling you why you arent respected
you should listen to me rather than deny
no no ...i don't think of myself better than tohers
am friends with the people you work iwth everyday mike....
lol
yea
you dont understand...im not saying you really do
im telling you how you appear
how people want to treat you because they feel like you treat them like they are all beneath you
when most of them have been in theatre longer than you
there is only one person i don't respect or think of as an older brother.....and that is Chris...i have no respect for Q and Stunkel at all..otherwise i love them all like ppl i ahve respect for
battlestarre: why dont you respect Q and stunkel
Q shows my no respect from square on.....he yelled at me cause he was 3 hours late for a rental...and stunkel...hes a great guy but i jsut can't take him seriously...i came home with a headache today..
but Chris, wender, Hul, Spencer, I lvoe them..the are like my father.without them i would know notihng.....i have no disrespect for them at all....i have more respect for them then i do for a lot of ppl......i just try to fit in with them...fit in with everyone..
stunkel....hes tough to understand...he is one who was never really taught how to be pissed off....either that or grew up in a place where he saw so much hurt and pain that he only wants to make the world happier.....same reason i dont get down that much
Q......
this is the reason he disrespects you
honestly, just like a good amount of us
hes jealous
waht
your parents would do ANYTHING for you
jealous
listen to me
just fucking listen
ok
both him and stunkel live in apartments
his parents are divorced
his mother hates him....tells him so....tells him everyday how much of a disgrace he is...how she wishes he was never born....
he goes to his dads and gets the shit beat out of him
tehy dont give a shit about his theatre
his accomplishments
you
you have money
you have people who love you in your house
no matter how much they say to you about your weight
they care because that is your health
they call teachers to tell them taht you deserve better
obviously because they truely believe it
mike...Q......he....he is struggling to get his hours sheet signed.
you see?
its tough man
and you were talking about you new car and you twenty dollar allowence
thats tough to take
not only that
when you began.....and youve gotten better but still do this
you acted like you had years under your belt
and knew exactly what you were doing
and as a result of that....are better than everyone else
because you know more
that pisses EVERYONE off
it always has
and i totally understand
if all your life you havent been respected by your peers
because i never was either
theres a certain point where you need to gain their trust
the fact that you try to fit in
let me point out how horrible this is
you should not do this so much as be yourself
i know youve heard it a thousand times
but doing what you're told...asking questions if you really dont know
being among friends rather than being among children
do you understand waht i mean?
............yes.....
really or are you just saying so?
no...i jsut never new this
i know
i'm crying
but can you honestly tell me that if someone tried to tell you you would listen?
all i wanted to do was to fit in..but instead all i did was make it worse
or would you think they were trying to be horribly mean?
exactly
but people give you loads of chances
if you work on it
ill tell everyone to chill
really
like i sorta see where youre coming from because your parents seem like control freaks....which would result in such
sorry i dont wanna make you cry.
but the truth hurts.
::hug::
you just gotta work on it okie?
:i know exactly waht to do
okie good
just dont hurt yourself okie?
ok...
1 three drinks behind |
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