:: 2005 26 October :: 8.14 am

So much shit to do today
Math Homework
Study French
Math Test (maybe)
Pay off Account
Make "food"
Get surprise
Clean room
Pack
Mormon Paper

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:: 2005 24 October :: 12.12 pm
:: Mood: poety

I am what I am a questioner of all questioners who will never stop till I have found all truths I am a sad story wound up into a pretty happy person I am a optomistic leader at times, who gives up only behind iron curtains I am what I am a fantasy filled man I am the senseless dreamer that always puts more there than I can chew I am the aethist who only believes and trusts in himself over all others I am the savior to some I am what I am a big brother, a sister, a mother, and a father I am their helper I am what I am borne in the wrong century, meant for warriorism no doubt I am the rebel to all that has become commonplace I am a slayer of those who intend harm I am the defender of all that is dear to me I am what I am

I am what I am a thorn in the timetrack where only the enslaved that believe in reality instead of dreams are praised I am the admirer of those who only truly try their best in this upside down world I am what I am a phoenix ressurected from the ashes and on the journey to my prime state once again I am a light source I am a healer of tears I am a healer with tears I am the worrier of the words people compliment me with will drown out what I want to hear from the one I truly care about I am what I am

I am what I am the reactor to all that I am afraid of I am the wielder of all the pain and turmoil within I am the wanter of demi-godness in this mortal earth I am the striver of my largest dreams I am the apple named sweetheart on the tree of love I am the shoulder for many to lay I am the logical fantasizer I am what I am I am who I am, the description of thought rather than words I am what I am

"The words I love you can only be expressed and appreciated best in a kiss"

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:: 2005 22 October :: 10.39 pm

I feel so fucking betrayed right now. All those fuckers put me up to this! Jesus fucking Christ! I hate Mormons. I thought they weren't going to do this, I really did. But they did. They crossed the line. Why can't people just accept me for who I am? I'll tell you why, because if you don't fucking "help" (which is so the wrong fucking word to use) those people you'll go to fucking hell! Yeah, you know, that place where you sit and wait forever knowing you could have done better. Fuck that. FUCK that. And you know what? Fuck the idea of this heaven too. God can't judge me. Who the hell does he think he is trying to control my life? Who the hell does he think he is trying to control anybody's life? I will make it known that this can be beaten. They even ganged up on me 6 to 1. I wanted to cry under the glaring eyes. Sorry I'm not who you want, but I rather like being me. I felt like I wanted to destroy every one of them for pressuring me right there on the spot. I don't think I'll find this stupidass Holy Ghost by doing something as useless as praying. Fuck praying. You can be a lot more cause than that. And they asked me to try it. TO TRY IT! I don't fucking think so. I can postulate better than ask somebody who doesn't exist to help me thank you very much. Do it again and I will, I PROMISE YOU, push back. Just fucking try, I dare you. And believe me, I'm a fighter. I know how to fight. And when you push people into a corner, they tend to fight back pretty hard. I swear I will conjour every last ability I have and release everything inside of me "unto thee". Don't fucking mess with those who don't ask for it.

"God and heaven? Hah! I have better games to play"

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:: 2005 22 October :: 12.59 am

Writing down my thoughts

Confusion. Miss her. Jealousy. Boredom. Behind in school. Don't know what I want. Loneliness of not being loved eating at my heart. Food doesn't taste good. Excercise a lot. Want to play a sport. Need to eat meat. Feeling failure. Not wanting doubt. Wanting to trust. Wanting to have faith. Feeling guilty of everything. Need a hug. Need my snuggler. Want to be a little furnace again. Have to remember the good times. Pushing for future. Can't concentrate fully. Distractions. Tired. Hungry. Wanting to be something I'm not. I am strong. I am weak. My body is sore. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. A lot of what I say is wrong. Dreaming is good and bad. Winterfresh is my favorite. Shaving. Straight hair. Curly hair.Other girlfriends and wifes with their husbands. Grr. Bangs too long? Family at home. Real family. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Friends not getting along with eachother. Future. Marraige. True happines. Being loved. Holding her once more. Not having to ever let go. Share everything. blegh. Roomies. Not being able to smile. I haven't truly smiled for a long time. Band. Brushing teeth. Warmth. Hats. Flirting. Volleyball. Cold. El biale. Nobody really missing me. One. World falls apart. Heroic. Amazing. Cute. Adorable. Stupid fuckers. Journals. Yahoo. Advertising. Dirty clothes. Grape juice. Grape Jelly. Pictures. Questioning future. Don't wanna live until then. Apartments. Seattle. Priorities. True love. What DO I want? Staying up late. Naps. Black hoodie. Emoboy. Non-mormon. Computer. Blood. Guys don't care, girls do it the right way. Oatmeal and cereal. Television. Count of Monte Cristo. Feeling not wanted. iPod nano. Music. Punk. Rock. Emo. <3. Lol. My car driving well. Rides to school. Walking home alone. Clash of the religions. Deciding if I'm the one who is able to be above it all. Trapped. Spanish music. Spanish formalities.I am capable. I let myself down. Pressure. Open and honest. Feelings overcome me. Don't want to be here anymore. Need help reassuring who I am. She can't take all the blame. She shouldn't have to do it all. I shouldn't be ruining it. I need to love her. I miss her. I'm not complete. I need a hug. A tender loving one. The one where you can close you're eyes cause you feel safe. Six days. School. Tae Kwon Do. Yellow belt. Am I going to reach that level of great ability with the commitment I've put in? Do I need to do more? Need to work harder on classes. Want friends to be happy. Want to be able to make her happy again. Want to feel important, like I've done something right. Gah...so many things just running around in my head. A vacation is in order. I just want to lie down on my favorite person and sleep this universe away. No more. Please, just no more.

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:: 2005 19 October :: 1.59 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: The Killers Mr. Brightside

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:: 2005 18 October :: 8.58 pm

God damnet.......

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:: 2005 17 October :: 11.18 pm

Man, I sure am getting tired of seeing all of these couples together. Every couple, every man and woman, every husband and wife, every boy and girl. They all just keep joining together and jamming that freezing knife of jealousy into my chest each time. I learned that Seth is getting married after going out with his girlfriend for five months. Great, Seth somehow, miraculously gets to be with some girl that's probably just loving him out of sympathy, and I'm stuck here having to watch it. This really is just a hell-hole.

"the infatuation of my fluttering heart"

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:: 2005 16 October :: 11.36 am

I'm getting reeeeeeeeeeal sick of living this way. Nothing has that much importance to me out here except martial arts. I sleep, do homework, go to class, take tests, and eat. Pretty fucking boring lifestyle if you ask me. Ah well.....

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:: 2005 15 October :: 10.40 pm

Well I passed my test today. I even broke the biggest board they had on the first try. And I can't even tell anybody....sad. She isn't here to tell, and nobody here really cares....I tried to tell them, but they're just conceited assholes sometimes. Waiting and waiting sucks. I'm really starting to miss her. Really bad. Oh, and I haven't shaven since Thursday, and it's feeling pretty good. I'd be excited if I could let it all grow out, but I'm gonna have to shave it soon. Sad. :(

"So just one practice and then blam?"

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:: 2005 14 October :: 5.49 pm

"My lips are sealed for her", "Que te amo, que te no olvido, y no, puedo estar sin ti", "Wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so long", "And I, want her need her, and you always will pull me through", "And tell me that we belong together", "And now that you're gone, just wanna be with you", "Did you ever know, that I had my eye on you", "If I only knew the key to sing to make you mine", "Ever drawing that I do is never, ever as cute as you", "This envelope will represent my heart", "And with eachother's hands to fight the dark", "And I just can't look, it's killing me"

p.s. Is anybody around?

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:: 2005 13 October :: 8.27 pm

Ah...so much of my time is taken up by homework and tests. I spent all of yesterday and today working on french, and learned a lot!, but it still isn't enough. I still need to know more...crazy french teacher bitch. And math is going to blow chunks this weekend. Grrrr... Anyway, only 14 left! Fuck yeah! Can't wait.

"And I just snapped, and I was like "fuck you!" "

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:: 2005 12 October :: 1.08 pm

Today marks the eleventh month that Amelia and I have been going out. That's a long time! I can't believe it myself. Time flies when you're having fun, right? Before you know it, we'll be together again and everything will be great. It had better be. I love you Amelia, and I look forward to our future. Remember, we're the ones creating it, it isn't just going to happen. It happens because of us. We are that strong. I love you babe, and can't wait to SEE you again. Only 16 days now!!!

"I'm just a stupid little clock playing stupid little clock games!"

P.S. I think I the only straight, mexican, emo, non-mormon left!!!

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:: 2005 11 October :: 5.45 pm

OPEN AND HONEST

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:: 2005 10 October :: 6.01 pm

I don't want to be here. I actually only have to survive 18 days, but that still is way too long. I finally didn't cry when I saw her drive away. I think I got it all out last night... I wanted to stay SOOOO BAD. It was great to see all my friends again. I hung out with Brooke a lot. That was tons of fun. And Allan. He's a good guy. I even went to the mall with Zuzu and Christina. They bought a giant sombrero hat for halloween, I think...or maybe just for fun. Christina even gave me a hug, lol. The one person I wanted to see the most I didn't get to hang out with as much as I wanted. That blew. One, god damn day. I wish I could stop time. Just make it stop. I'm not supposed to live in the past, but that is where more happiness is. And I am no here in the present hating it for the way it taunts me. And the future, I have to live on for the future. I want it all to work out. I really don't want to go on with this any longer. I don't want to be any stronger. But that's what has to happen I guess. Good luck to all of you, and wish me good luck as well.

"Dance magic dance, Jump magic jump"

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:: 2005 8 October :: 11.21 pm

I fucking hate the concept of time.

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