Emology

Emology

:: 2013 12 February :: 12.48pm
:: Mood: sad

I feel like I'm a shitty friend. Maybe just a shitty person in general. I just want to go hide in a hole.

I've been reading Ham on Rye, but Charles Bukowski. The sentiments of Henry are really similar to my sentiments, and it has really put my life into a new perspective. I'm not as bitter as he is, but I still feel like most of the time I'm just reading my own thoughts.

I'm trying to make myself feel better about being who I am. I miss Jana, and I enjoy the things she posts, because it makes me feel better about who I am. It's a battle accepting myself, and a lot of the time I try to pretend as though parts of me don't exist. I know I'd be happier if I just accepted myself and moved forward, but it never is as easy as that.

I'm just frustrated with my life. I know I'm making positive changes, but... I still feel as though I have so much farther to go and it makes me overwhelmed.

I won a Bravo award at work. I could get a multitude of things, or a $75 gift car. I'm thinking I want to get the gift card and go to Total Wine and just buy the beginning of my own liquor cabinet... For when I'm done with this challenge and can drink again.

I really miss drinking. I really miss a great many things.

2 Whats | up

godessalthena

:: 2013 6 February :: 2.28pm
:: Mood: anxious

Worked out this morning, heading to Physzique in a little bit..

I'm so not ready for today. All I want to do is have someone watch TV with me. Maybe have some drinks. I am SO poor until Friday :( stupid poopy expenses.

But with all the money that will be coming my way shortly, I'll be able to finally pay off all the debt on my plan and start saving money! I'm so excited.

It's cold here. I need to get dressed. Bleh.

godessalthena

:: 2013 26 January :: 8.54pm
:: Mood: depressed

e.e. cummings
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

godessalthena

:: 2013 26 January :: 11.20am

why am i such a stupid fuck?

1 What | up

godessalthena

:: 2013 26 January :: 12.08am

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs. I have really enjoyed my weekend for the most part, but there have been parts where it fucking sucked.

Tonight was pretty awesome. Today in general was pretty awesome! I got to see so many awesome people.

Unfortunately, my back hurts so fucking bad. I want to cry. :(

godessalthena

:: 2013 14 January :: 2.54pm
:: Mood: Defeated

I am a loser. And that's all I will ever be.

1 What | up

godessalthena

:: 2013 12 January :: 12.50pm

I had a really fun time last night! I was nice to get out of the house and hang out with Lauren! And Sus seemed like he had a good time being out in public too :) Though now my voice is fucked up..

I saw something that I think I need to bring up to someone. And I'm afraid to because I don't want to fuck up a relationship.. But I don't know the whole story, and I don't want to automatically assume the worst about someone. I just need to approach it with some finesse I suppose..

Anywho, first week of the Survivor challenge out of the way! The first two workouts were nuthin' but the third one this week was soooo challenging to get out of the way. Working out intensely for three days straight is so intense. But I feel really good! The nutritionist wants me eating 1600 calories in a day, but I only have been eating like.. 800-1200, and I haven't been feeling tired or weak or light headed.. So I'm apprehensive about trying to fit that many more calories into my diet.

I guess we'll see at the weigh-in. I really want to win the $1000!!

godessalthena

:: 2013 6 January :: 12.25pm

I will admit, I'm more than just a little angry.

godessalthena

:: 2013 5 January :: 6.58pm

Slowly but surely things are happening..

And I'm scared now. I have no idea what to expect or what's going to happen. It's a new adventure and I'm terrified.

I won't be paralyzed, just scared for a bit.

godessalthena

:: 2013 3 January :: 1.41pm

Maybe I should just go crawl in a hole and die. I'm a loser. A fat stupid loser and that's all I'll ever be.

2 Whats | up

godessalthena

:: 2013 1 January :: 11.57am

happy new year
Well, one more year, one more opportunity to change shit.. or something.

Samie and I have signed up for this 12 week challenge at a local gym near our work. They apparently have trainers there that can help people with injuries (such as a herniated disk, like me) so as long as I just follow their directions, I won't die. There are 1st 2nd and 3rd place winners - 1st place wins $1000, 2nd wins $250, 3rd wins $100 or something. Hopefully this works haha

I'm just so ready for a new year to start. I can't wait to finally start accomplishing my goals.

godessalthena

:: 2012 30 December :: 12.28pm
:: Mood: Disgusting

Goodbye self esteem
This whole week has been crushing my ego on a massive scale. Honestly I wish I could just crawl into a hole and hide for a while. I think I'm going to live in my hoodie.

I wish I wish I wish... What I could do is just do it.

But apathy is lethal and I'm having a hard time giving any fucks. Period.

godessalthena

:: 2012 25 December :: 2.16pm

Rainbow hair, don't care

2 Whats | up

godessalthena

:: 2012 24 December :: 5.35pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: parachute

Do you ever wonder why life gets so bad?

I can't help but worry about mom and dad. And I keep having all these bad dreams about my friends getting breast cancer and my parents don't have enough money to eat and I'm always so helpless to do anything worthwhile.

I know it's not my fault why things are the way they are.. but on the ride to work, looking at the snow on the trees on hills far away.. I couldn't help but wonder why we keep going, where this is all going and what are we really doing here?

I remembered how much animosity I used to have for my parents, and how much hatred I used to feel towards certian people and how that's all so meaningless now. I have always wanted a family I was close to and friends who loved me. Now I finally have both and I am so glad.

But this sadness has really seems to have taken up roots into my heart and I feel like they will never come up. I just can't help but feel like my insides are just all black and cold.

Sometimes I just have to try and remind myself that it's not my fault I'm like this. And sometimes that really isn't enough.

I just wish I didn't feel so.. helpless and terrified.

But the future will never be certain, and the only certainty I have is who I am inside.

But what do I stand for anymore?

4 Whats | up

godessalthena

:: 2012 20 December :: 8.25pm

somewhere inside that cold, stoic woman is a terrified little girl...

she's still waiting to be saved.. to know what it feels like to not be so alone..

but someday she'll understand there's no such thing, it's all a faerie tale..

and she's poisoned like all of us.