godessalthena
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2013 22 April :: 8.12pm
:: Music: Always love
Where do you run to escape from yourself?
It's always amazing how the world can seem so perfect, beautiful, right. And then it suddenly turns into this disgusting carnival ride that you wish you could get off from. But you're alone, and everyone is standing and staring at you. Judging you. Being jealous of how fucked up your life is.
I'm sitting in this abandoned hallway at work. No one will find me here. I can sit and listen to my music and contemplate how everything got so incredibly fucked up in my mind.
I'm going to move out. I'm going to live by myself. I'm going to have sex. Whenever the fuck I feel like it. And I'm going to cry myself to sleep when I feel like it, without worrying that I'll wake someone up who cares that I'm crying myself to sleep.
I hate this constant flux between good and wretched. I hate how I feel so immaculate, happy, eager to live one moment and the next I just want to cry and scream and break defy beautiful thing I've ever made. I feel like if I wasn't as intelligent I would have become a drug addict by now. I can see the appeal of a chemical that just makes you feel good. And then doing anything to get that good feeling back. Such a huge distraction from how seriously fucked up you are in your mind.
It's painful, seeing how my life is going in this ridiculously positive direction, but my mind seems to be degrading. What do I do? How can I fix this?
Music seems to be the cure.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 21 April :: 12.34am
Tonight FUCKING SUCKS.
I just want it to be bed time so I can try again tomorrow.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 19 April :: 1.37am
I never wanted a gay man before now
This fucking sucks.
5 touched my hand... |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 15 April :: 10.20am
Sometimes I worry I'm turning into an addict.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 9 April :: 12.34am
:: Music: Move along
It's surreal how things are falling into place.
In the past 25 years, this month has been the most pivitol.
And I'm trying not to over think or under think.
I'm terrified and bursting with excitement.
I just have a hard time wrapping my head around what's happening.
I'm being pulled in a million directions and I have no compass to show me which way to go.
All I can do is buckle down and enjoy the ride.
1 touched my hand |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 7 April :: 1.32am
Crushed up sleeping pill is making my tongue numb.
Love-like feelings numbing my heart.
Helping to wash away the tears of heartbreak and disappointment.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 6 April :: 10.49am
Whelp.. my phone is dead for now. Which is extremely depressing. I feel so naked without it.
I have an apartment viewing today, but with the possibility of needing to buy a new phone in conjunction with a few other things, I don't know if I can afford to move out just yet.
I'm so tired. Blegh.
1 touched my hand |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 22 March :: 10.18am
Reconnecting.. And it's going so well. I have been trying not to over analyze, but it's challenging. I've been trying not to look into the logistics either, as I feel if anything is going to happen, ways will present themselves (well, ideas anyway).
It is surreal, almost absurd, but I can't help but feel excited and eager. I'm terrified I'll seem over eager, and I don't want to do that..
I also try not to worry about how I've changed. I'm still just as good, if not better on a personality level.. And I'm still as cute. Everything else can be changed. And confidence has definitely grown since then.
Let's just hope for the best. Who knows? Maybe good news will work its way into all these plans.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 17 March :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: angry
Dear Leo,
Once I get my necklace, I'm done with you.
There were so many things I wanted to say to you. But I'm just not made out of poison like I wish I was.
So this is where I'll say everything I need to.
You were always so concerned I was lying to you. You were the one lying the whole time. I should have seen it was you feeling guilty driving you to ask me and prod me and antagonize me about it. I know we weren't together, but seriously you basically fucking cheated. You knew the whole time you were just passing time til the one you wanted said jump. And yet you failed to ever fucking mention that. All you said was "I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone", which is oddly void of any truth what-so-ever.
Ultimately it was my own damn fault becoming infatuated with you. Because I knew you were just a baby in a man's body (a seemingly all-too-common trait of the people I meet anymore). I just broke up with someone who had Peter Pan syndrome. I, of all people, should have seen the signs.
I guess I was just excited to connect with someone. It's so rare that I meet anyone I can just be myself around. And I was hoping we could actually just be friends. But I was just a stupid girl, diluting herself that a man could actual be friends with a woman.
You say over and over you don't want to hurt me and you didn't mean to treat me poorly, but really, you did. You knew the whole time you were going to hurt me. I even tried to end it when we fought over some bullshit. And you pushed to keep it going like a selfish prick. Then you met my friends. And then you just pushed me out the fucking window once that chick walked into the room.
I just want my necklace back. That's it. Then I'm done with you and your selfish self.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 15 March :: 1.30am
So this is probably just a mixture between exhaustion, hang over, and not taking my pill, but I feel like so many horrible things.
And when I'm here I always try to comfort myself by convincing myself this is how I've always wanted to feel.
I'm a bad human being. That's really what it boils down to. I feel like even when I'm being genuine it's somehow cheapened by the mere fact that I'm sub-human. I can't do anything for anyone without feeling like I have some unknown alterier motive.
I disgust myself on so many levels. It's fucking incredible.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 12 March :: 10.48pm
I'm not a fan of my swinging emotions. But I'm in a better place now that I was before.
Wednesday is going to be awesome. Just sayin'.
Hanging out, watching Samie get her hair did, getting my bonus/raise, then drinks in a double date setting and then lots and lots of hotel sexy time. Fuck. Yes.
I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty cool to be me.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 9 March :: 9.15pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
Descending into crush-induced madness.
Sometimes it's hard to think straight. I make bad choices. I do silly, stupid things.
And I need some reassurance and a slap in the face.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 8 March :: 1.33pm
:: Mood: okay
1 - I fucking LOATHE math class. Fuck that motherfucking shit in the ass with a big spiky dildo.
2 - I have $1000 in my savings account. It feels pretty fucking amazing!
3 - Lauren's birthday is coming up and I am SO excited about celebrating and her gift!
4 - Broke a motherfucking nail the day after my super cute manicure. No idea how it happened, but it hurts and looks stupid.
5 - I can pay all my medical bills as they come! That's new, and exciting!!
6 - Found a new roommate. To be honest, I'm a little worried because we both have some pretty self-destructive tendencies, and one of us has a competition complex. Pretty sure this could turn into some bad juju if we aren't careful.
7 - Sex is awesome.
The end.
2 touched my hand... |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 4 March :: 12.36pm
:: Mood: sleepy
My depression seems to just be getting worse, and I'm not really sure why. I have an appointment with my Dr, but it's in a month. I almost feel like I'm not going to make it another whole month without some serious mental break.
All I want to do anymore is get drunk and have sex. That's really it. I don't really care about anything else, I just go through the motions of "normal" life and pretend like it's still all the same.
But it's not. I don't know what changed inside of me. But I am so desperate for some kind of connection with another person. I just want to feel loved like I love people. And I don't think that'll ever happen. Not because people don't love me, just that I'm so fucking broken in my head that nothing will ever feel good enough.
Every night when I drive home I think about the bottle of vodka next to my bed. I think about how much I just want to drink the whole thing and fall asleep. I think about how nice it would be if I lived by myself so I could have someone over to fuck every night. I just want to badly to get away from myself. I hate my own skin, and everything inside of it. I can't find any redeeming qualities in myself. I just want to let go. Be nothing. Just be like all those fucked up losers on intervention, surrounded by their family, crying their eyes out, and then refuse help because that still wouldn't feel adequate. I'd just be angry that they couldn't accept me for who I was.
That's a major reason why I don't want to have kids. I'm so terrified they'll end up as fucked up as me, or as one of those addicts on TV, and that nothing I do can save them.. And I'd always blame myself.. If only I had been more attentive, loved them more, did something different, they'd be happy and successful. But broken people don't raise happy adults. They raise more broken people.
I know I'll never be able to start over. I know this is the only chance I get. I know all the shit people say to inspire and reassure, but I can't help but feel like it's all just bullshit. All of it. No one ever changes, we just all stay fucked up. It's difficult to want to try harder when there's no success that will ever make it worth it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm addicted to feeling this way.
I just can't. fucking. stop.
9 touched my hand... |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 2 March :: 6.21pm
Last night was a good night.
Read more..
Best. Cocktail. Party. Ever.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 23 February :: 1.04pm
:: Mood: crushed
Honestly, does anything really matter?
No, it doesn't, because once I die, and my friends die, I'll be forgotten and my life will have been completely insignificant and inconsequential.
I don't understand how people keep living. I guess most of them don't think about these things.
I really want to call out of work, stay home and just cry. Maybe that would make me feel better...
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 17 February :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: pensive
I talked to John yesterday. I miss talking with him. I'm glad I was able to help him, and I'm glad he always tries to make me feel better. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that other people have been through the same things that I have, and that they don't think I'm a bad person.
He asked me what really makes someone good or bad, and who exactly made the decision on what was "good" and "bad". He said that almost every single person, given the right circumstances, would be "bad" and that being "bad" isn't necessarily bad. It's just a word people use to describe actions to make themselves feel better.
Now, this is just in the context of my recent expedition to discover who I am.
We talked about how difficult it is to not be cynical after experiencing life. And how challenging it is to reawaken that voice inside you that stays optimistic despite overwhelming evidence that nothing will ever work out the way you hoped. And even if it does, the cynic in you can't even find joy in that.
I'm just so terrified I'll always he so jaded. I'll never believe in love again. I'll be the anti-romantic and live my life bitter, old, and broken hearted.
I can't even talk to anyone when I feel this way. I feel like I'm always just going to be trapped in a birdcage, all alone, with faces that on occasion speak to me through the bars.
How does anyone keep going? What is really so amazing about this life we have? What's the point of being here, scraping through life, feeling alone with only brief moments where you're distracted enough to forget.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2013 14 February :: 7.32pm
Today was really crushing. Not because of Valentines day - I couldn't care less about this stupid corporate holiday.
I just feel so betrayed. And that I can't be myself. And that I'm an idiot.
Which, yes, I make bad choices sometimes, but so does EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I want to make that clear - I make mistakes, like everyone, and the whole "holier-than-thou" attitude just makes me so insanely angry and hurt.
It makes me just never want to share my life with anyone else ever again. I tell people things that are bothering me, that I need guidance on.. I confide in my friends because I need help and support. But instead I get met with disgust? Like I'm really worse than you?
I'm sure some of these feelings are just me being sensitive because I didn't have a chance to take my anti-depressant this morning.. But it still really hurt my feelings.
1 touched my hand |
and tha sun got brighter then
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