BigBen61
|
::
2003 26 November :: 9.26pm
:: Mood: everything hurts
:: Music: end of the world
Yep life is still hell today got online, talked on the phone, went to the store, worked out till i passed out when i came to hide in my closet for a while, got back online and listened to music, got off packed, got back on. I dunno i thought i was foolin people at school but people still noticed the difference, only the ones who actually care about me though to everyone else i'm fine. Over the past couple years i've gotten pretty good at surpressing pain till i was alone so i can act some what normal but i have never had this hard of a time with it. I saw that she liked someone else and hope it works out for her i really do she deserves to be happy. I still wish i had kept my promise to myself i wouldn't be in this mess, i can't seem to detatch myself from my emotions like some people. Shes still on my mind all the time i don't know what to do about that i know she will be for a long time i'm still worried about all of my friends, i tried this thing that corey showed me and when you do it you draw or write somethin thats in your subconsious i didn't keep doing it because i stoped and looked at it and it was an M and an E i knew i should have known thats what it would be how could it be anything else shes still in my dreams. I thought it would start dying down after a while but it didn't the only time i feel anybetter is when i'm with my friends. Corey and cherie especially they use two very different methods. Corey could make me laugh even no how much emotional or physical pain i'm in and cherie just has this way about her that just comforts me. Don't get me wrong all of my friends do help me out but i just talk to these two more. I love you all very much and i always will.
5 hits |
hit me up
|
|
BigBen61
|
::
2003 26 November :: 5.23pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: dust in the wind
Well i don't much time cuz me gay brother is yellin at me so all i have to say is life sux happy holidays love you all
ben
hit me up
|
|
BigBen61
|
::
2003 25 November :: 9.40pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: adams song
life
Today i figured out either internet tests are bogus or i'm alot like cherie. Yep i don't really have much to say, i love my friends very much, happy thanksgiving to all of you.
ben
3 hits |
hit me up
|
|
BigBen61
|
::
2003 24 November :: 7.18pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: none
life
Well i'm taking more online quizes and this one was whats your element.
Your element is Air. You are an artistic person with a unique sense of style. You are intelligent; although prone to wonder in thought which, prevents you from paying full attention to most things, constantly active and most likely like to sing. Constantly moving the air is a force of nature. One moment you can be a breeze the next a tornado.
This one was kindness
You represent... kindness. You're a very gentle, kind, and caring individual. You truely care about people and are generally well-liked. Though sometimes you may be perceived as weak, you truely have a strong heart and a good desire to help others.
I can't find any more good ones right now so yeah i guess thats all i have to say about that.
love ben
hit me up
|
Kate
|
::
2003 23 November :: 9.30pm
:: Music: Korn - Untouchables
Stephanie's House
Fluffer Nutter sandwiches = mmm and I'm the best damn crust smusher there ever was.
We talked until midnight, which I needed. I don't get to just talk to someone very often anymore. Especially someone as good as Stephanie.
Oh yes, we musn't forget...
Person 1 told Person 2 that Person 3 doesn't like Person 2, so Person 3 got mad at Person 1 for telling Person 2.
"Leaving doesn't seem so strange." -KoRn/Alone I Break
4 hits |
hit me up
|
|
BigBen61
|
::
2003 23 November :: 5.32pm
:: Mood: like a big pile of ...
:: Music: none
life
Well i'm home, it was a pretty good weekend had some fun but i still can't stop thinkin about her, i know i know why don't you just get over it you big baby beieve me i know i should but i just can't. I'm glad we are still friends thoughit just sux being in love with some you can't have. I remember in the beggining promising not to fall in love but i did and it was complete bliss while it lasted, but now a week after its over shes still all i can think about and the all the memories of when we were together you think would make me happy but they don't because i know i can't have that anymore it just hurts more than anything but i know i can get threw i don't know how long i'll be a whiny sack of crap but i know i will get threw eventually. Everytime i see couple or here a love song i get sick to my stomech and have to blink back all the tears. I'm also really worried about cherie i don't know whats wrong but i know somethin is, shes a great christian, a great friend, and just a great over all person she deserves to be happy. Alot of people think coreys just a jerk but hes not he just has fun with stuff the bottom line is he is a good person who cares even if it doesn't seem like it, hes been there for me just like cherie has only in his own way he makes me laugh and trys to take my mind off stuff and doesn't act like i'm the greatest person in the world just because i'm goin threw somethin so for everyone who may think he is a jerk your wrong. There are many more people who are there for me too like kate and stacey but i runnin out of time so i'm gonna go. I love you all very much and i'm glad i have friends like you.
2 hits |
hit me up
|
|
Kate
|
::
2003 21 November :: 3.15pm
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: Coldplay - The Scientist
Of course I remember
Ahh, to reminisce
Of that sweet summer day
When we shared our first kiss
God he was beautiful
The best there could be
The perfect distraction
Made to blind me
It started out great
My very own fairy tale
But the ending was different
It was destined to fail
Our love was sweet
Succulent and strong
But deeper in I discovered
That statement was wrong
Like an apple it was
Vibrant red later of skin
But the inside was bitter
I knew one bite in
I couldn't leave
I always came back
When I left I felt
An ambiance of lack
My bitter apple
Sour to the core
Told me he loved me
But loved her more
He took advantage
He cheated and lied
He pretended not to see
Each time that I cried
One day I gave up
Laid on the sarcasm and said:
"I love you, baby"
And shot him in the head.
"I'm always afraid you're lost from me, I'm always afraid you're lost in somebody."
-Puddle of Mudd/Away From Me
2 hits |
hit me up
|
|
Kate
|
::
2003 20 November :: 9.38pm
:: Mood: Interested
:: Music: Coldplay - Clocks
I like these rose quizzes. The results to this are almost accurate.
Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.
"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."
The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.
As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.
What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla
"Come on, full of fun, do me till I'm well done." - Red Hot Chili Peppers/Suck My Kiss
1 hit |
hit me up
|
|
BigBen61
|
::
2003 20 November :: 7.23pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: none
life
I ended up taking a test cuz i got bored. This is kind a wierd.
Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The Pure. "I've been waiting in the dark for a long time, shining my beacon of hope through the shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your eyes from me." The White Rose is associated with purity, honor, and chastity. It is governed by the goddess Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape. As a White Rose, you are a person of your word. You may have a strong moral code, but regardless of your virtue, you always stay true to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of emotional forms and it's just a matter of waiting for it to bless you. Some people may say you are too idealistic, but it's only because you don't want to mess things up.
for anyone who doesn't know me i'm not gay
2 hits |
hit me up
|
|
BigBen61
|
::
2003 19 November :: 5.30pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: none
life
Today i felt a little better, just keep acting like i'm people think i'm fine i must be fine. I just keep telling myself i'm the luckiest guy around it even lasted that long, so i know i will be ok eventually just getting along tryin to get back to normal wich i'm not sure is a good idea because i've never been anywere in the vasinity of normal. I'm really lucky with all the friends i have that care about me, i feel like an asshole because of somethin i thought about cherie someone who has always been there for me and then i go and have a second thought about trusting her not to say somethin to someone else, i'm pretty stupid. I love you guys
ben
1 hit |
hit me up
|
|
BigBen61
|
::
2003 18 November :: 7.38am
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: none
analogies for life
Life is like a midget hooker
it sucks alot
Life is like playin king of the hill
as soon as your on top someone pushes you down
Life is like Michigan state
it sux and its full of losers
Life is like mashed potatoes
you have to take the good stuff with the lumps
Life is like a football game
its fun as heck but it hurts
Life is like a torture chamber
its pretty much self explainatory
Life is like a box of chocolates
you never know what your gonna get
Life is like a war
its full of pain but eventually it will be over and you can go home
well thats all i can think of and thank you mister gump for yours noone sees it enough so i thought i'de throw that in
hit me up
|
|
Kate
|
::
2003 17 November :: 4.36pm
Stop fucking sending me forwards. I don't care if you like it or believe you'll get bad luck if you don't send it to everyone on you're list; DON'T send me them.
"Look in the past and remember a smile. Maybe tonight I can breathe for a while." - Blink 182/Feelin' This
7 hits |
hit me up
|
|
BigBen61
|
::
2003 17 November :: 3.23pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: none
life
Well it feels better bein around my friends today they really cheered me up but i still can't stop thinking about her. All i can really say is i love them all. Cherie if you read this, if she asks tell her i'm fine she already has enough to deal with she doesn't need to feel bad for me on top of it. You need to stop worrying about me too.
love you all
ben
4 hits |
hit me up
|
|
BigBen61
|
::
2003 16 November :: 11.40am
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: none
life
I've been awake crying sence it happened thinking. I'm not sure what to do next all i know is i have to suck it up and try to move on. No matter how much i love her it won't bring us back together unless i'm what she wants, but i'm not. I'm lucky i have friends that care about me, although i know one of my closest friends knew about it because she's megans best friend but thats ok. I'm not saying that i'm mad at her i'm just sayin i can't talk to her about any of this without it getting back to megan. I just don't want her feeling bad about this, she had every right to do it. Its all just a part of life pain and love go hand in hand.
love you all
ben
4 hits |
hit me up
|
|
BigBen61
|
::
2003 15 November :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: Hurt
:: Music: none
life
Well this is my first time on this so i don't know what i'm doin. Today life kicked me in the balls and took away everything, but as much as it hurts now i know that it will get better. When she dumped me i don't really know what hurt more losing someone i love or the fact that she must not have loved me as much as she said she did. I know some dillhole is gonna tell me to quit bein a baby or somethin but i don't really care about the opinion of some stranger, as a matter of fact i can't think of anything i really care about. Well thats all i really have to say for now buhbye.
3 hits |
hit me up
|
|