We've no time for later now

:: 2004 22 May :: 2.05pm

Now And Then...
It's normal for things to be shitty.

As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened that we just can't.

Things will happen in your life that you can't stop. But that's no reason to shut out the world.

-I'm going to tell you something i wish someone would have told me when I was your age.
- Oh yeah? What's that?
-Your parents aren't always right.
- No shit.

- If you don't fall in love, you can't get hurt.
- But it sure is lonely all by yourself.

___________

If you haven't seen it, you should. It's good. Come over sometime dudes.

-Patrice

:: 2004 21 May :: 6.29pm
:: Mood: i don't know
:: Music: chevelle

"what a man's got he'll learn to hate"
i cant even say how i feel except really let down and hurt and today was horrible...it was forever long even though it was shorter than a normal school day...im sooo tired and school's nearly out...

but im failing almost everything...

phelan gave me yet another speech...

i didnt get a thespian letter...

i nearly cried so much today...during the assembaly i counted 19 joesph shirts to distract myself...and you know i never try to distract myself...

jen was talking "we only have a week of school and then were sophomores!" it made me laugh b ut when youre a freshman and sophomore...all you want is to be an upperclassmen...then you get there and wish you had three years left....the responsibility and missing people hits you.

you're an adult.

you've spent all your life longing for the privlages of later curfews and the ability...whining about bed times and being grounded...

you turn eighteen and the control is gone...

it's like the women in africa that have rings that hold up their necks...and you know if they took them off, their necks would be weak, maybe so much that they would break.

you will spend the rest of your life "remember the days"...talking only of memories, grievences, fallen wishes, broken dreams. you'll talk to your friends, knowing things, rather than making up your own renditions...imaginary worlds and animals for bedst friends drift away, selecting only some very special people to remain in such an enchanting world...

-~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2004 21 May :: 1.43am
:: Mood: confused

Does anyone have a nice hole that I could hide in for a few days? Things are too discombobulated. ::sigh::

My room flooded again. I'm rooming with the sister. Party.

I should get some sleep. School tomorrow, lotsa homework not done...Why? I'm lazy...Wooo lazy.

:: 2004 21 May :: 1.44am
:: Mood: working
:: Music: Slipknot-"Duality"

Slipknot-Duality
I push my fingers into my eyes
Its the only thing
That slowly stops the ache
But its made of all
The things I have to take
Jesus it never ends
It pushed it's way inside
If the pain goes on...

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I�ve waited as my times elapsed
Now all I do is live with so much fate
I wished for this
I bitched at that
I�ve left behind this little fact
You cannot kill what you did not create
I�ve gotta say what I�ve gotta say and then I swear I'll go away
But I cant promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You laughed at me cuz you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It�s the only thing
That slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on
I'm not gonna make it!

Pull me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the pieces
Then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I�ve found out the hard way
Nothing is what it seems

I push my fingers into my eyes
It�s the only thing
That slowly stops the ache
But it�s made of all
The things I have to take
Jesus it never ends
It pushed it's way inside
If the pain goes on
I�m not gonna make it!

All I�ve got
All I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It�s the only thing
That slowly stops the ache
But it�s made of all
The things I have to take
Jesus it never ends
It pushed it's way inside
If the pain goes on
I�m not gonna make it

good song...dL it...i like it a lot.

2 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2004 21 May :: 1.35am
:: Mood: complacent

so i decided that i will be happy until they start chemically engineering strawberries and oranges...

our grandparents think we're missing out not being able to pick them in our backyards, but man, imagine what our kids'll miss having real strawberries...half the fun of eating strawberries is that you have to dig through the plastic straining box to find the perfect ones...no mold, no soft spots, big, bright red, fully ripe....super sweet...

but then they would be perfect every time...

and our kids would have to choose between the two huge sweet ones...but i think they'd lose some flavour too... yea adios...

:: 2004 20 May :: 7.23pm
:: Mood: confused

"excuse me, but could you please help me find my way?"
so ive been thinking, which is not necessarily (that doesnt look right?) a good thing, because, as im sure you know, thoughts of mine are, well, over animalized. yes, animalized...because i dont over anylize...but rip and shred all thoughts, squish and stick until pryed. Although not necessarily (god damn it!) negative, still....bad.

im sure you remember the hul situation- and if you dont well...

i went out with hul-ay for three and a half months, but before we broke up (which was my doing), he began to break down. he, well, i guess, went nuts for a time. he refused to shower or brush his hair or teeth and didnt eat. he stopped being bouncy, fun hul for a whole two weeks. Everyone was worried about him. he just moped and wouldnt talk to anyone. so one day i went to talk to him...and i dont know if i did any good but what he told me is that he had given up. he was sick of trying to be ~~alive~~animate, so i suppose he stopped trying to hide a sort of depression... and i dont know, it was depressing to me to see him like that- not only becasue i liked him and knew him as a happy person, but because i began to feel it was my fault.

so now, this is the issue:

Mr. Neil is beginning to not be happy neil. i have never known neil, in a year and a half, to be brought down for more than a day. and its happening to him. and i dont know what to do, because he doesnt seem to want to talk to me or be around me, and im sure no one else has noticed cuz i think he tries to be hyper to show off some. and yea...hes just not neil like at all and im worried...

so im wondering if you'll answer this question:

do i or have i depressed or upset any of you for more than an hour or so?

i know i have the ~~ability~~ (heh) tendancy to piss you off or upset you. but to the point where you lose all hope?

::sigh:: yea i dont know...this would be the sixth time that things have happened immediatly after or around the time that im hanging out with the person, either one day or in general time (weeks). yea...so...if you could, please...

8 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2004 20 May :: 6.57pm

so its been awhile since i wrote- i have a lot of hmwk right now so im supposed to be doing it but since its been forever since ive come onlyn, i figured id just say hello!

year's nearly over-cant wait

graduation's nearly here- can wait.

okie adios

eating strawberries in chocolate frosting

:)

2 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2004 19 May :: 11.08pm
:: Mood: exanimate

BOOM
I used to use that mood alot, it makes me sound smarter then I am. Exanimate...Yep.

Today...hmm...took my math test, I don't think I did too bad. Maybe a passing grade? Anything above a 54 will raise my grade drastically, so as long as I pass.

Still sick, not as drugged though, I learned my lesson though. No more then 1 every 4 hours. ::nods::

Half day today...yay. I needed that. It wasn't bad. Just a day. Then we had Orchestra though. It was poopy. Thanks to Wender and Chris for trying to make me deaf and feel like an idiot all at the same time.

You know what? I don't know. I had a train of thought, but completly lost it.

The crazy things need to stop. I think the world is going insane. You know when you fill a balloon too full, it gets too thin and eventually it just explodes? That's what my head feels like now.

I'm not gonna start explaining myself though, because once I start I don't shut up. I know you don't like to hear me whine...so whine no more will Patrice...haha..nice sentence there.

I think I'm gonna go read some nice Harry Potter and go to bed. So good-bye all.

:: 2004 18 May :: 5.05pm
:: Mood: blah

Nothing really interesting has happened this week.I'm sick again. Which is always a party. I took two bynadril(sp) things in gym today instead of one...woo hoo...talk about drowsiness. It just hit me at lunch and I died. Then pple threw brownies at my head O.o;;;....

So school. It's stressful. Too much blahdy blah. I hate. And being sick on top of that with a fun mix of everyone's drama.

My sister's a bitch. I wish we had another play going on. That's the only way I get out of the house. I happen to be there when people make plans. other then that, it's not worth it to go out of pple's way to Libertyville. So here I am stuck for the rest of the summer.

I just love how people get mad at me for not calling them and inviting them places when they don't even call me. ::shrugs:: Kinda funny, eh?

I hate hate hate hate hate HATE my siblings. I can't live here anymore.

:'(

Yes...Patrice is sad. This week sucks. Sickness and family and homework and band and orchestra.

I'm quitting orchestra, I don't even need to be there.

You know what? I quit. I just quit. People suck and I'm just..me.

Good bye
-Patrice

:: 2004 16 May :: 12.18am
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Love Is A Battlefield(Lol)

::giggle:: ::giggle::
So tonight was awesome. Ha to all of you prom goers. :-P hehe. No but really, it wasn't as bad as I thought. It was fun.

I went on a date with the Sandy. I know, you're all jealous. Yeah...we saw 13 Going On 30. It actually wasn't bad. I liked it alot. It ended the stereotypical romantic hollywood ending, but it wasn't as unrealistic as some of the movies we have. ::cough:: prince and me ::cough::

Gollum was in it! Well, Andy Serkis. His eyes are really really blue. Hehe. It was funny, because he would be acting all bossish or dancing to Thriller, then I would get a LoTR flashback and its Gollum doing the moonwalk. Tehehe.

So then we went to Diary Queen and ate some chocolate...because sandy wasn't hyper enough. Hehe.

So I hope you all had fun at prom and all that after party stuff.

Doom di doom. I might be a bit tired. So I think I might go to bed. Because I can. Haha...okay then.

Goodnight!
-Patrice

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

:: 2004 14 May :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Iris

You know when you make yourself belive that something is going to be so insanely sucky, that when it comes it is? I mean, there's no way around it? It's stupid. Don't do it to yourself.

This weekend is gonna suck though. No way around it. I just want to run away. This is all just way too much stress type stuff. I need to get out of here, but that's not going to happen.

I need to talk to someone, but I don't know. The people that I normally talk to, I can't. I just can't. And no one else really cares. So what do I do? Just keep on getting more angry. it works. I don't care.

:: 2004 13 May :: 7.09pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Into The West

Today..not yesterday..pooo
Today was no yesterday. Which sucks.

I'm a selfish bitch, just so you all know. And I'm sorry for it.

The assembly today was sad. Everyone I talked to said they wanted to cry, but no one else was. Stupid drunk drivers. Drinking is so stupid. Beyond stupid.

I had this weird dream the other night.

Jill and I were working on something for a play in this old victorian house. We were in teh attic with a few other people from crew and I was typing something on the computer that had to get done. Then someone(no names mentioned...someone I hate though..) Came up behind me and hugged me...I stood up but didn't pull away.

I knew that I hated him...but I couldn't remember why. And I just kept trying to remember why, because I didn't want to be mean and pull away from this guy when I don't know why I feel so mean towards him. All I wanted to do was get back to work.

Then I look out the window and see a deer on the roof on the house next to us. But the guy wouldn't let me go, and I wanted to run to the window and look at it. How often do you see a deer on a roof? So I tried to pull away and he told me it was stupid and that the deer was nothing. Then the deer ran away and he let me go and I cried while I tried to get back to work.

So knowing that I'm me, I have overanalyzed it for all that it's worth. It makes sense. If you want to know, ask me. I might write about it later while I'm trying to avoid my theatre tech paper.

Tomorrow's friday. Fun. :-P Someone kill me, Please? :-(

-patrice

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

Toki

:: 2004 12 May :: 9.24pm

BTW....As most of you know...I'm really not this weepy/dramatic. That's what this journal is for...to rid myself of all the weepiness...so as true as everything I write here is...I'm not gonna just be like this all the time...if that makes sense...okies..well bye..
-patrice