sendmemoney
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2004 13 February :: 2.31am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: chingy
i was WALKING THROUGH MY HOUSE .
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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tboblp
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2004 10 February :: 10.08pm
I'll run in the rain til I'm breathless
When I'm breathless I'll run til I drop
The thoughts of a fool's, kinda careless
I'm just a fool waitin on the wrong block
Once again, these oh so popular words to my ears come into play. But this time I'm walking down that block, and I know just where to end up. It all takes time, but it's starting to come around.
...on another note, hopefully I'll be able to take the motorcycle course I've been wanting to take for some time. Rose's Dad even offered to let me gain some experience on his bike after i take the course, so it wont go to waste...really lookin foward to it.
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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epicyclebanana
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2004 10 February :: 1.38pm
A confession... because I need to do it.
(I express myself better in written word than in spoken.) This entire schpiel is completely and utterly random and the thoughts are not meant to flow together in any way, so I apologize for that.
The past 17 years, I've felt like my life's just been a giant movie. Or a dream. I question reality, and I think a lot differently than other people do. It annoys, sometimes even saddens, me that I can't relate to a lot of people's philosophies or theories or beliefs. I lie a lot too. I like getting attention. I like having people believe I'm someone that I'm not. That's why I exaggerate a lot of things too. To everyone that I've ever spoken more than 5 words to: don't believe everything I say, especially if I'm telling a story, it was all just a ruse to get people to like me or think I'm someone I'm not. For this I apologize.
But now for the truth... what I know, what I believe, what I want, what I need, etc. Truth, blunt truth, and nothing more. Nothing less, either.
I know that this college (UNH) is where I'm supposed to be, and music is the path I'm meant to be on, it's the lifeblood that keeps me going and sane. I've written so many songs that I'm afraid to let my family hear because they're opinions are really the only ones I care about.
Being here at UNH, I've never been happier. I know that I'm human, that I make mistakes. I know I've done things I shouldn't, but that's all part of the living process. Trying new things is part of growing up, and I've been forced to do that way before my due time. But I deal with it, and I'm still alive. I'm still sane. I'm not suicidal, I'm not a junkie, I don't live on the streets, I'm not a drunk, I'm not a prostitute, I'm not an idiot. All my life I've never wanted anybody's help. I still don't.
I love my family. I have trouble showing this sometimes, usually because I'm afraid of how I may appear or the repercusions that may ensue. And, everyone in my family already has this preassumed belief that I'm the unloving nonemotional black sheep. Maybe I am, maybe I'm just going along with what everyone thinks because it'll take too much effort to change it. Also, I don't share a lot of the same ideals and beliefs, and because they are usually so adamant about these ideals/beliefs, it hurts me to not at least pretend to follow. I want to make them happy. I'm the exactly the person they want me to be, I am myself and no one will ever change that, but I also want them to be happy for me. I'm not going to be a rich successful lawyer or a doctor or something... I'm going to be a recording engineer / part-time performing musician. And that's what'll make me happy. In keeping myself happy, I'm hoping that my family will be equally as happy.
I never liked FL. I love my family, but they seem to think that just because I never liked FL means that I don't care about them. I'm more comfortable in the north, and they need to understand. Moving from NJ right before 7th grade had such an impact on me that my parents don't seem to understand. They don't get that throughout middle school and high school I never really had any good close best friends, with the exception of a selected few. I was ignored, ridiculed, mentally tortured. When you're 12 years old and going through all of this, of course it'll be engrained on your mind: "I want to get out of here." In coming up to CT, I had the opportunity to start anew, where nobody knew my name. And I've made some of the best friends ever here. I still love my friends and family in NJ, and I still love my friends and family in FL. I had fun times during my 6 years in FL, but that's done and over with, it's time for a new chapter in life.
As far as what I believe: I believe in God. I believe that there's something to look forward to after death. I don't believe in abortion or cloning. I don't like tarot cards or horoscopes or astrology. Yes, I'll look at my daily horoscope every once in a while, but this is always for laughs. I believe that religion should be between me and Christ, no one else. I will believe whatever I want, and others can believe what they want, it's their choice. God gave the human race free will, and we should take advantage of it. I don't like mission trips or evangelizing because of this. I think church day camps are a nice idea, but those kids are going to make their own decisions when they're older anyways. If somebody has a question inquiring about what I believe or what my religion's about, then I'll answer those questions gladly with no bias whatsoever. But I won't go up to random people with a "You need Jesus" speech. I can't bring myself to do that.
I listen to music with curse words. I'm not one of those people who says "fuck" after every other word, but in everyday conversation the occasional "oh shit" comes up. I have control over my own linguistics, and that's how it'll stay. I know what not to say in front of people, and I try to mind my manners.
So, who am I? I'm Lana, I'm 17. I go to UNH and I love life. I love music more than any other activity in the world. I am a Christian, and I don't care what anybody says. I have a family that I love and adore, but that I don't always agree with, and I hope they can understand that. I also have friends that I care about deeply.
I don't know what else anybody really need to know. My mind's a labyrinth, and I've always been lost within it.
3 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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adiosesposito
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2004 9 February :: 11.44pm
:: Music: Felt
Hello,
The fact that I have only written three real entries since the start of the school year in this woohu journal is either really sad or really good, I'm not quite sure. I guess I just don't really have much to say to the public that I don't talk about with people during school or the weekends. While this means people who don't see at school or at all don't really know how I'm doing, and I am sorry about that, it also avoids anyone who I don't want reading my thoughts from, well, reading them. Of course, that never actually stopped me from writing my innermost thoughts in this.
Anyways, my life is pretty shipshape right now. My grades really sucked last semester, the worst I've ever gotten, so I'm really trying my best this semester. I still do almost all of my AP english homework in first hour, but I'm getting 100% on them now, so that's gravy (train?). There is no point to try hard in physics, since I can't do good in that class, but I have a strong feeling I'm going to keep giving it my all. I made Mr. Hall wet himself when I got that 95 on the test, or at least I hope I did.
It seems like my friend group nowadays is mostly kids in my grade now, unlike last year. This gives a little bit of hope for next year, when a lot of my friends will be gone. But you can't prevent change, and I'll try to welcome it with semi-open arms. I don't really feel like I'm part of a group though anymore, I guess because everyone else seems to have a best friend, and I can't really think of someone who is my best friend at the school, and I doubt there's anyone who considers me their best friend. Actually, that was the case last year too, so it's not much of a difference. However, I will say that there are a few kids who are the definition of ace; few and far between, yet are some great kids, who I am glad to have as friends.
My hair was straightened and cut, as mandated by my mom. It's ok though, hair isn't that important, and it can also become curly again. To tell the truth, it really doesn't matter in the long run. At best, I'll look like a Beatle, and at worst, I'll look like Mike Clark.
When it comes to girls, I got this Spanish chica, she don't like me to roam, so she call me cabron plus marricon. Said she likes to cook rice so she likes me home, but I'm like, "Un momento" - mami, slow up your tempo.
That Jay-Z moment was brought to you by TV's Drew Rosensweig: Ain't Nothin But the Real Thing.
Perhaps I'll start writing in this more often, filling everyone in on the events of my life. I'll try my best to not make this an empty statement. I sincerely hope all of you readers take care of yourself, enjoy life, and keep it real.
Drew R.
P.s. My holidays were all good too. I just don't feel like writing about them right now.
P.P.S. Robert Forster is so fucking legit, it's not even funny.
2 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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sendmemoney
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2004 9 February :: 2.01pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: ashanti - rock wit u
XxGHeTToTRaSHxX (1:49:19 PM): i watched the grammys last night
XxGHeTToTRaSHxX (1:52:44 PM): guess who won most talked about concert performance
XxGHeTToTRaSHxX (1:53:20 PM): CHEMICAL BROTHERS!
1 TOUCH THE WATER!!! |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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Beagle147
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2004 8 February :: 6.06pm
:: Mood: I'm in pain
Yesterday was solo and ensemble. Clarinet choir got a superior, as did just about everyone else. That woodwind judge loves atlantic. She thinks our band fell from the heavens. I also went on friday to watch leah and kristen's duet, as well as Tom conducting. I can't make fun of him though, because then I'll lose points. Everyone did a great job. Superiors all around. See you all at states.
Today I decided to actually get some CAS done, so I went down to the Humane Society. I worked from like 10-5. It was fun though, because since I'm 17 I can't be a dog walker, so I have to work in the puppy pen. Yes, "have to." It was fun. Puppies are really cute. There was this little 3 month old border collie, I was so rooting for her to get a home, she was so sweet. I campaigned for her for a while with people, but none of them would take her. Then there was this one guy with his daughter who wanted to see her and he asked a lot about her. Then he told me that he had already filled out paperwork for her. I was so happy. I told him I hoped he'd get approved, and they went back into the office to check on it. Then another family came in to look at her and they left and came back like 15 minutes later all pissed off. They said she'd already been adopted by those other people. Yay! They loved her so much, she was so sweet. So then I just was holding her for like 20 minutes and I was like yay, you have a home now! And then a person came and took her to her new family and they left. I was so happy she got a home, because a lot of people can't handle border collies so they end up in shelters, but these people knew the breed and just absolutely fell in love with her. It was great. There was this other puppy there, who I affectionately named "Little Bit." He was the sweetest dog there. He sat on my lap on the floor sleeping for like an hour. He's so cute though, he's small and brindle. Although, he won't be small and brindle for very long. He'll still be brindle, but that dog's paws are freakin huge. I think he may be part bullmastiff or something. That's why I called him Little Bit. It's funny. This other dog Stella was really cute too. She's a dobie mix, real smart. She loves to play ball and stuff. She liked to sit in my lap too, although not as much as Little Bit. There was also about 10 12-week old puppies that they just found in a field somewhere. They were really cute. Oh, I so found the maternity ward. There was this husky mix who had a big litter, they were adorable. They're not ready for adoption yet, they're only 4 weeks old. They'll go quickly though. So I got a good 7 hours of CAS done, and I am so going back next time I get a chance. That's the best way to get CAS ever.
Chem test tomorrow, that should be interesting. I haven't gotten any work done this weekend at all. Friday night and yesterday afternoon were all at solo and ensemble. Last night I hung out with Leah and Tom, who had NEVER SEEN PIRATES OF THE CARRIBBEAN! I had to fix that.. And then today I spent all day at the humane society. So it was a fun weekend, but not very productive. Tomorrow I have to study for that french essay I'm sure she's going to give us, and I have got to get my projèt done at some point. If anyone finds any random facts website about Quebec, let me know. I need trivia questions to use. That's about it. I'll update again after something interesting happens..
1 TOUCH THE WATER!!! |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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tboblp
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2004 4 February :: 10.34pm
My pirate music teacher plays guitar...i soo called that one. Maybe in on of my later papers ill have to insult a band he likes so he makes threatening pirate remarks...only because pirate talk is so cool. Apparently Mr. Perry advises us not to make water balloons with boiling water...but i have a feeling that didnt stop a few kids. nonetheless, im still gonna try the bag-o-water-and-fire trick.
8 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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orfwashere
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2004 2 February :: 11.57pm
:: Mood: stoked
:: Music: Mingus
My first paying gig! Holy shit!
My mom picked me up when I got off work tonight at 9:30, and said I got a phone call from Addison Gilbert. That was a shock. The hardcore drum teacher with the coked up eyes called my house. Weird. I called him back to find out what he wanted. Apparently he was looking for a bari sax player, and Mr. Lerner recomended me, and spoke very highly of my playing abilities. Mr. G is the pit orchestra director for all the Olympic Heights musicals. To fill the pit, he hires professionals for the lead parts, gets the best OH kids to play the other parts, and he recruits from other schools to fill in whatever parts are left.
He asked Mr Lerner for a bari sax player, and Lerner told him I was the man. Hard-fucking-core. Olympic Heights does serious musicals. This year it is the broadway musical "Me and My Girl." He said it's about three hours long, and they use the real scripts and music, not the watered down high-school versions. He was telling me all about it, and I couldn't stop thinking like "Holy Shit." Opening night is in the beginning of March, and I'd have to go to rehersal every thursday. not a problem.
I was saying a few weeks ago about how happy I'd be to just play some good music for free, like the jazz combo Chris O'Brien was trying to set up at Pineapple Grove. Mr G. said it pays a measly $100. Holy shit, bells, whistles, and cash register cha-chings were going off in my head. My first paying gig at a professional level..... hell, my first paying gig. Wow. This post is just all incoherent babble, but I'm just really excited. I'm just suprised that Mr. Lerner thinks I'm capeable of something like this. I wouldn't have thought so, but then again, I am my hardest critic. Mr. G. was telling me all abotu when Kevin Blum played with his orchestra 2 years ago, and how great he thought it was. Oh man. This is a new level for me. Nice. I'm done.
4 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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Beagle147
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2004 2 February :: 10.06pm
:: Mood: Tired
:: Music: "Dodo" -Dave Matthews
This is going to be an uber-short entry. Just something I had to get down. Something weird happened...Saturday night? I dont really remember what night it was, but I woke up and remembered a dream. Now, this might not sound weird to a lot of you out in woohu-land, but I have not remembered a dream for about 11 years. I guess I'm just a heavy sleeper, or something. The weird thing about this dream was that it wasn't all weird and dream-like. It wasn't the boogeyman chasing me or whatever the hell you want to think of in dreams. It hit a little too close to home. Well, I guess that makes sense, being as it is in my head and all, it just struck me by surprise, caught me a bit off guard. I'm not really going to go into details of what it was, mostly because there's like one person who would understand it at all, but it was a sort of counter factual history of my life. Remember that counter factual history was way way back in hall's class when we talked about that article "Was America A Mistake" and it was like if Colombus had not discovered America and you draw it out all the way to like World War II, or something like that. It was kind of like at a crucial point in my life, this is what would have happened had it gone the other way. Don't worry guys, it makes sense in my head. Maybe that's why it's so weird, because it makes sense. Dreams aren't supposed to make sense. Damn, where's Amanda with my psych interpretation.. o.~
Although, you know what despair.com says... Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.
Oh, my bad, different kind of dream.
I just finished my second ToK essay. It's really weird. I think maybe I should have taken Gabe's advice and smoked pot before I wrote it. That's apparently the best way to get into the ToK vibe. Wouldn't surprise me. But my essay stretches a little to actually answer the question. I kind of went off in a tangent and let myself go. But that's what we do in class, and she encourages it, so I figured it'd be okay to go off a little in my essay. We'll see when I get it back, I guess..
I've not a whole lot else to say. I did not mean to be sitting here typing this for this long, as I still have to do my chemistry homework, take a shower, and maybe perhaps someday get to bed. I slept all friggin weekend and am still exhausted. This is starting to concern me. : \
I found out that even though working at family fun day doesn't count for CAS (damn them and their religion rules) it still can count for NHS. So now all I have to do is actually tutor, and I'm good for that. SHF, on the other hand... I really need to get crackin on this projet thing. I've decided to do a board game, but have no idea how to do so. If anyone knows anything about board games and/or Quebec, please lemme know ASAP.
I have a test tomorrow in Music Appreciation over at PBCC. It shouldn't prove to be too difficult, although I have not studied at all. I'll bring my notes to school tomorrow so I have something to do in chem. That is one boring class. I'll tell ya, I have no idea how I stay awake on even days. I go precalc, english, chem, ToK. Then again, I don't remember the last even day I did stay awake, so forget that.
Ok, I'm gonna check out. This is not as uber-short as I had anticipated it being, but hey, now you have something to do instead of homework. Later.
3 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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orfwashere
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2004 31 January :: 12.12am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Catch 22
I forgot to mention. I got a car. Finally.
It's a 1984 Chevy Monte Carlo, Luxury Coupe with a 305 V8. It sounds sweet, but its really an old piece of shit with 150k miles on it that needs work; but I'm still stoked to have a car. When they made them in 84, there was the Luxury, or the SS. The SS has the same engine, just bored out to be a 350, and also has a cooler front end and rear bumper. I'm probably gonna go to the junkyard to get an SS front end and rear bumper to make it look better and then paint it to match. The Luxury model is the same basic car, but with the front end, it looks like an old grandma car..... a fast fucking granny car. When I get done with it and am ready to take it on the road (April 10th, hint hint), it's gonna be one bad motha fucka. Paint job, new wheels, white walls, rockin system, SS parts, flowmasters. Oh snap!
2 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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Beagle147
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2004 30 January :: 6.39pm
:: Mood: Still not quite 100%
:: Music: "So Much For The Afterglow" -Everclear
Not much to write about, really. I've had an okay week. Monday I went to school, I think. I don't really remember. Tuesday I felt like crap so I skipped school. I woke up at 3:20. I was still a little tired from being up till 4 sunday morning I guess. Yeah, so I was still feeling crappy on wednesday, but dammit, I paid 10 bucks to go on that field trip. It was interesting though. I was kicking ass in asshole on the bus until krystle stopped playing. Then I lost a bunch. Then we got off and went to the rehearsal. It was pretty boring, and Michael Tilson Thomas is, um, interesting.. After the rehearsal we were just kinda set loose on three blocks of south beach. That was fun. We grabbed lunch at a pizza place and got some gellatto. We were in this other store thing and we saw Michael Tilson Thomas in there. Leah said hi, and then he just kind of stared at us and left. We told mr. Lerner afterwards and he's just like "Yeah, he's got issues." There was also this really hot guy who played triangle in the new world symphony, but then we found out as we were leaving that he smoked, a total turnoff. So that kinda ended that. The tympanist that they had was FREAKING AWESOME!! I have never seen anyone like that. Crazy. Yesterday was a half day. I went to school, came home, slept, then worked from 7 to 12:30 and went to bed. Today was about as interesting as yesterday so far. Tomorrow is family fun day. I'm working, for a reason I have still not figured out, since it doesnt count for CAS hours. Atleast, as Tom said, I'm not going to hell, because this has to count for something. So someone please show up at family fun day so I'm not so bored. I'll try to post again tomorrow with fun-filled shit about that. Later.
Everything's different
My head in the clouds
I hit this corner
With my foot on the gas
I started sliding
I lose it
Everything's different
Just like that.
Oh my God
Wait and see
What will soon become of me
Frozen heart
Screaming wheels
Does that screaming come from me?
I'm dizzy from all this spinning..
1 TOUCH THE WATER!!! |
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orfwashere
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2004 29 January :: 10.02pm
:: Mood: awkwardly depressed
:: Music: GG-GG-G-G-G-unit!
"For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!"
Hmm. What's new in my life? Same old shit, but not really.
I've gotten a lot better, and much more used to playing the bari sax. That is a major plus. I’m considering playing it for my college auditions in place of my alto. I sound awesome, well awesome for someone at my level, on alto, but I think I might just impress some people with my bari sax skills. Who knows? This year is my first time ever doing solo and ensemble. I’m really excited. I've got a bari sax solo that is coming along nicely; better than I had expected. I'm playing bari in a quartet that it doing a decent job at staying together, and I'm also in an alto trio, that is, well... a trio. It really needs help, but it sure is fun to play. I'm really starting to enjoy and love playing my saxophones. I'm at the point where I can't imagine life without them. If somebody ever causes me to lose my hands or fingers, they're getting a bullet to the head. Fa sho'
I also got accepted to three more schools. I went to guidance to send my transcripts out to FSU, USF, UNF, FIU, and FAU. It turns out that UNF already requested my transcripts, so they didn't have to be sent out. I didn't know they could, or would do that. I got an acceptance letter from them yesterday. I got my acceptance letter from USF the day I sent them my transcripts. The mail usually takes two days or so, meaning that they made their acceptance decision solely on my application and my SAT scores that I sent. Scary Shit. FIU accepted me too, but their admissions department is pretty worthless, so they get a student to call and congratulate me first, and then send the letter a week later. at least USF called me the day I got the letter. I still haven't applied to FSU, or Jacksonville University. I have a feeling that JU is exactly like Lynn University. Their jazz director called me at 9:30 on a thursday night a few weeks ago to ask me if I was going to audition. Apparently there are only about 2,500 students at JU. There's that many at Atlantic, and also Lynn. That makes me figure that it's a small shitty campus. But it's a plus because there's more privatized instruction, and also it’s close to the beach, unlike USF in Tampa and FSU in Talahassee(sp). Young Harris College also called me tonight to ask if I was interested. I politely told the girl that I wasn't, but she kept asking me questions about my major, and where I applied. I wanted to hang up, but she was being so nice to me that I couldn't bring myself to do it. I told her about my career plans, and she mentioned something about God's plan for me. She also told me to pray that things work out or something. I was really tempted to tell her that I'm an atheist, but she was just too nice. I can't do that. I'm not ever sure that I'm an atheist. I don't know what I am. I just prefer not to think about it now. As for now, I don't believe in much, I don't pray, I don't go to church, and I am happy. Maybe when I turn 40, I'll have some crazy epiphany and change my ways, but until then I'll stay very unreligious. I also tried Xanex. No, not on prescription, just because it's fun. Really fun. But I'm done with stupid shit like that. Alcohol is my limit. No pot, no bars, no more recreational mind altering substances that aren't alcohol. So there! Take that illegal drug market. Boo yah!
Wow, that was the first time I've ever said Boo yah! Weird.
But on to what that last paragraph should have said: I've been infatuated with the same girl since freshman year. I can't get her out of my mind. I think about her all the time.... and get depressed. I had a dream about her a month ago, where she wouldn't talk to me and completely ignored me. I guess dreams imitate life, because she never wants to talk to me, or see me again. I get what I deserve. I've been single for almost a year and a half. I think the only times in high school that I've been happy were when I wasn't single. Those were also the times when I was the least shy. I had one or two chances in that time to become not-single, but they weren't the right ones. I don't know. I think I just can't meet the right girl. I met this girl Adelia in my chorus class. Oops, almost forgot to mention, I'm in chorus now. Yes, that's right: 3 band classes and one chorus class. I'm a pimp. But back to that girl I met; people say she’s weird, but I think she's cool. She flirts a lot, but I can't tell if that's just because she's interested, or if she's just one of those girls that flirts with every guy in the world. Oh well. Hopefully my next entry will be more positive. I have such a negative outlook on life. That's why I never smile. I think that's also why I don't update often. I don't want to look back on these years from now and see only the bad things.
So that's it for now. Foreverly yours,
A.J.
16 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
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tboblp
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2004 26 January :: 10.31pm
This certainly doesn't help my case...even though I don't think he wouldve faired too well even with a helmet...
WARNING: EXTREMELY GRAPHIC - I felt sick for about 10 minutes after viewing this:
http://streetbikeworld.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=1291&PN=1
1 TOUCH THE WATER!!! |
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Beagle147
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2004 26 January :: 5.30pm
:: Mood: Still exhausted, but feeling less crappy than yest
:: Music: "What It's Like" -Everlast
In ToK today we watched this video. It wasn't the one about language. It was a new one about perception. It was kinda cool in some places, but when it started talking about evolution of the cortex, I kinda dozed a bit. But there was this one part that was really scary. And I don't mean fake scary like we all say "wow, that's scary" I mean actually disturbing. So sayeth the video, neuron mapping, or atleast a part of it, is finished by age 10. By then you have a complete picture of what is good or useful or not, and, based on experience, unnecessary neuron connections are rejected. That means that your opinion of the world is pretty much set by the time you're 10 years old. That freaked the hell out of me. I don't know that I want the first 10 years of my life to have determined my outlook on the world. That's one of those things that I wish I had never learned. Sometimes I don't like to think about how things are effecting me. Do you ever consciously think about that? Everything that happens, everything people say or do, shapes who you become. That's not really something that I'd like to think about sometimes. Sometimes it's good though, but it's kind of creepy. Stuff that you don't even realize is affecting you is causing prejudice or stuff. Makes me think of all the photographs I saw of Osama Bin Laden teaching eight year olds how to shoot a gun. Or that artwork in Nicaragua Krystle told me about that had a mural of the world with an eagle's claw over it. Or those newspapery-magazine things about who's having who's baby in the supermarket right at eye level for a 7 year old. What has influenced me that I am not even aware of? How have I influenced others that I am not aware of?
I think too much. I've noticed that lately. But then I start thinking about how I think too much. I was thinking on the bus this afternoon, I can't remember what about, when I suddenly like woke up from thinking. I hate when I do that when I'm listening to music. Because whenever I'm thinking I'm not paying attention to anything else, and I mean anything. So I'll "wake up" in the middle of a song, and...I dunno, it's just weird. But whenever I think about stuff, I have to be totally absorbed in it, not listening or seeing anything else. There goes multitasking. I decided that thinking is bad for me. It never leads to anything good, because I never come up with a solution. Or rather, when I come up with a solution, I over-analyze that until I've rendered it obsolete. There's always something.
I also decided that I need to stop friggin living in the future. I hate IB. They're whole thing is like sacrifice these four years of your life so that you can go to UF, just like you would if you weren't in IB. But it will be free, just like if you got bright futures, which most of you who actually get your diploma are smart enough to get from "normal" high school. Pisses me off. A lot of people I can get why IB is good, because they're doing some bs (and I dont actually mean bs here, just couldn't find a good word for it...less rigorous) major. Example: Will is currently taking and honors fireflies course. That's where I can see IB paying off. Because he has been able to BS his way through his first year and a half/two years of college, and is not suffering consequences (atleast none that I know of) for doing so. But me? I'm going into one of the hardest majors/grad school thing that there is. Why?! What the hell is wrong with me?! I am so stupid. I'm going to be in school until I'm like 26. Seriously...that's 9 more years of school. Is that what I want? To spend the next 9 years preparing for some abstract floating goal of eventually owning my own practice? It's just all coming down to crunch time, I guess the pressure's getting to me. It's just I'm getting all this mail from colleges, except for the ones I want to go to.. And I took the SATs, and all that crap, you know. I was talking about it the other night. I know that like I sort of want to go to UPenn, but do I really? If I were to go there, that would be totally starting a new life. That's kind of scary. Like when you're little, you feel like you're never going to get where you are, and now you're there, and it's just kinda like ...shit. What do I do now? I'm not concerned in the least about leaving my family, but the whole disorientation. I wouldn't know anybody or where anything is or anything. But on the other hand, should I just settle for something less? Not that UF is a bad school, because it's not, but doesn't that kind of render IB totally pointless? What am I working my ass off for? When I get to college it's not going to be easy like it will be for a lot of IB kids, I'm going straight into that 19 chem, 15 bio thing. And I don't know any school outside of oklahoma that actually do give IB kids preference. Granted, the program boosts your HPA a little, but drags down GPA and extracurriculars too. You know what? I don't really give a shit. It's months before I have to apply to college, so I'm just gonna make an appointment with Ms. Kelly to ask her about visiting colleges and when I should take the ACTs and worry more about stuff that's happening like next week.
I say that, but you know I don't mean it.
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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Beagle147
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2004 25 January :: 9.51pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: "Stay (Wasting Time)" -Dave Matthews Band
I cannot remember the last time I was this tired. I was awake for 22 hours yesterday. That's nuts. Then I got 5 hours of sleep and woke up at 9 AM for no apparent reason.
SATs were yesterday. I think I did alright. I'll get back to you in 2 months or however long it takes before they decide to run a piece of paper through a machine.
I don't have a whole lot of stuff to write about tonight. I don't know that I'll be able to make it through tomorrow. Atleast it's an even day. Sleeping through those classes is not real different. I mean, I like Ms. Schilit and all, but her class is SO BORING. I don't think I've ever stayed awake. Last class she talked to us for a freaking hour about why it's not a violation of our rights to make us wear IDs and why it's important. Speaking of which, I must remember my ID tomorrow, I know Mr. Power will check. Someone remind me.
I started out actually writing about something, but I'm tired and have a fever and have not gotten NEARLY enough sleep for a weekend. Doing matrices when you feel this crappy really sucks. I finished the math, but not that english packet. That was gay. IB is gay.
I went to the dog park today. That's always fun. But we went there for like a half hour. It wasn't even worth the drive. If it takes you longer in the car to get somewhere than it does to do what you went there for, it's totally not worth it.
Sorry for the sucky journal entry. I've been awake too much. Or rather, I haven't gotten enough sleep. I'll see most of you guys tomorrow, even though I shouldn't show up. If I don't go tomorrow, Ms youngman and Morgan will both kill me for missing french club and clarinet choir at the same time. Maybe if I feel this shitty in the morning I'll skip. We'll see. At this point, it's about 70/30 that I'm going. Leave me some love.
2 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!
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