:: 2005 1 February :: 8.30 pm

time.
I'll calm down, I'm calm now.

I am in such a good mood right now for no reason at all.

I'm going to be driving soon. Driving! The one thing I have dreaded for my entire life is the sole thing I want to do right now. No, a baby would be cool too.

We're almost done with high school! Finally! Four years too many. I hate high school. I really can't wait until we're out of here. And we almost are.

A job! I want a job! I want to be an adult. I want to get a job, move out, get married, start a family.

First step: driving. After, or even before, that a job. At this point I don't even care if I get a job at Barnes for goodness sake. I just need a job. I want a job.

And I want a baby. You have no idea how much I want a baby.

I was talking to Josh today. It was awesome. It's like I finally had an older brother to talk to about everything. Everything. It would have been awesome if I had gotten to grow up with him. All I have is Hannah and she gets uncomfortable when I talk about Nick. Buddy shies away from us kissing.

Time makes feelings fade.

Except not.

I am in love with life. I am in love with love. I am in love with hate. I am in love.

I was jokingly upset at Katie since she won't be joining us on Friday but really, I hope she and Joe hook up. Ha! That'd be awesome.

Don't be afraid. Don't stress out. Don't mind the dark. Just close your eyes.

Don't be afraid.

With your eyes closed, close your eyes.

And for goodness sake, dream! Hope!

Hey, Katie, I love you. Yeah, you. You are the bestest bestest best fren ever. I know we haven't been that close lately but I am trying my hardest to change that. Your dad having surgery was a major push. I hoped I helped even a little.

I love you, mon petit chou. You are so incredibly awesome, never forget it and don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

Smile, I love you. Have fun. Be happy.

I am seriously very happy right now. I could die tonight and really, I'd be perfectly satisfied.

As long as I showered first.

And talked to Nick once he got out of work.

And wasn't naked.

I love you.

Thanks, Josh. For talking to me and all.

Thanks, Nick. Thanks for stopping by last night. Thanks for tucking me in. Thanks for cheering me up, for reassuring me.

Thanks especially for loving me.

Katie. Thank you for putting up with all my shit. You are so the best.

2 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 1 February :: 6.22 am

Nick said that he talked to his sister last night and she told him that we shouldn't be dating.

She said it wasn't her opinion, it was an opinion.

I bet I can guess whose it was.

I was starting to think that Nick's mom actually liked me too.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 30 January :: 1.53 pm

The Amelie soundtrack sounds like really awesome driving music.

I have this urge to start driving just so I can go anywhere or maybe just drive and listen to music.

I wish I could start driving without having to get my licence and be tested. That's going to be the hardest part. I'll be so nervous.



Read more..



But for the first time in my life, I want to drive!

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 29 January :: 11.18 pm
:: Mood: meh

I feel weird.

And everything looks... Funny. Blurred, out of focus.

Like I feel.

I just want to be held and cry.

But I can't cry. It's not a minefield.

And you won't hold me. You've got to go, you're tired, it's late.

And you're not here.

I'm not blaming you.

I just wish I could go away.

I just wish I could have a day where it's just you and it's just me and I could just cry without being asked why because even I don't know. I just need to.

I just want to be loved. I just want to be held.

I just want the simplest thing you can give me.

But I can't. Life gets in the way.

I can't wait until it doesn't anymore.

My brother's friend is sleeping over tonight. There's no way I'm falling asleep until after they do.

There's no way I'm going to feel better tonight.

The only things I ate today were what you saw me eat (some lasagna, a breadstick or two and animal crackers), an english muffin and a piece of chocolate.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 27 January :: 4.38 pm

My half brother just asked me if I am or have ever been pregnant.

I assured him that I am not nor have I ever been.

I also told him that I haven't had sex and I'm waiting until I'm married for that part of life.



I felt really silly.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 26 January :: 3.52 pm

I am blessed.


And very thankful.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 26 January :: 3.51 pm

You would kill for this.

Just a little bit.

Just a little bit.


You would.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 24 January :: 8.37 pm

I'm having that baby urge again.

What I wouldn't give to have a baby!

With my luck, I probably won't be able to.

I really want a baby.

I've decided that I'm not going to get married until I stop thinking with my amygdala so much. Which means when I'm about 20 years old.

But I really want a baby.

I hate and love these phases.

It's not like I think I'm ready to have a child, goodness no. I'm only 17.

It's just this urge, this tug in my heart that lasts for a month or so.

It hurts. It's like you're hungry and someone tells you that you're not allowed to eat until dinner, two hours from now.

I want a baby. I want a family.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 24 January :: 7.37 pm
:: Mood: calm

Wherein I realize what I've gotten myself into:
Yeah, I'm sort of depressed right now.

Yeah, I've been stressed lately.

Yeah, Nick and I have been not that great lately.

Yeah, I've started a lot of fights that should have never begun.

But you know what? None of that matters. None of that should ever matter.

All you need is love. All that matters is love.

I love Nick.

It doesn't matter what happens, who says what or how either of us feels emotionally or physically.

I love Nick.

And I am loved.

I have absolutely no reason to be upset or sad.

I love someone who loves me more than I love him.

Who cares if he lives 13 miles away?

Who cares if he goes to a different school?

Who cares if he works a lot?

Who cares about any of the stuff I've been freaking out about?

None of that matters.




I love Nick.

And that's all that should ever matter.

3 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 24 January :: 6.39 pm

When some people are upset, stressed or depressed, they eat a lot more than usual.



I eat a lot less.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 23 January :: 10.50 pm
:: Mood: very icky

I just don't care.


I don't even think anything I do is worth fighting for.


I'm fucking tired of crying myself to sleep every night.






The cause isn't even worth the result anymore.


The result isn't worth the effort.


Nothing is worth all the effort I shove into it.

4 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 22 January :: 11.38 pm
:: Mood: meh

Nick cried last night.

My heart shattered when I saw the tears running down his cheeks.

I really don't think it's possible but I fell in love with him even more when I saw that he was crying.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 20 January :: 10.56 pm

I'm icky.

Just emotionally exploding.

I'm so tired of being like this. I'm tired of crying and collapsing.

But here I go again.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 19 January :: 6.14 pm

repost and below that...birthday concerns
-------- Semi re-post (This is sort of the same thing I wrote in Angel_Bob but longer and modified a little) --------

On Friday, Jon gave me a ride home and explained why he swore at me earlier. It was alright. I wasn't really mad at him or anything, I'm glad he told me what was up and why.

The moment I walked in the door, the phone rang.

I ran up the stairs (still wearing my shoes, coat, mittens and backpack) and answered the phone

It was Nick. He said he left a present for me in my room. I told him I just walked inside and proceeded to explain that I was still wearing everything. He just repeated what he said and hung up.

I took off my outer layers, grabbed the phone and went into my room.

I climbed over all the clothes lying on my floor (I STILL need to do laundry) and looked all over my room for something that might resemble a "present".

I noticed that my bed was made and was immediately suspicious.

Nick popped his head up from under my covers. I dropped the phone and jumped over to my bed. He said he skipped sixth hour, hid his car in the garage and had been waiting for me to come home for over an hour.

I told him the night before that I was feeling not too great and he came to make me feel better (and give my sister a ride over to her friend's house and make up for not being able to see me on our anniversary).

We hung around for a little bit before we gave my sister a ride at four. That was fun. Hannah kept giving him the wrong directions because she was nervous while I was giving him the right ones.

We came home and laid on the couch for a while before Nick said he had planned on giving me a back massage. We cuddled for a while and I told him that it was alright and he didn't have to. He said he had to go to the bathroom and came back out with lotion and a towel.

He told me to lie on the floor and he gave me the best back massage ever. I was sick and icky and he was so sweet and nice and gentle.

I was feeling sleepy and wanted to cuddle more so we went to lie down in my room.

We ended up taking up a two-hour nap together. It was really sweet and the most relaxing comfortable thing ever.

When we finally got up, I wasn't feeling that great. I hadn't eaten since the day before and had a cold so I was really icky. Nick tried to get me to eat something so I'd feel better but I was drowsy and had that sick floating feeling.

We went downstairs, Nick made me soup and I felt so much better.

Nick showing up before I got home, hiding all evidence, giving me a back massage, then taking a nap together was the sweetest, most excellent thing ever.

-------- End of re-post --------

I can't wait until we live together and can take naps all the time.

I think that's my favorite thing in the entire world now: taking a nap with Nick. It was so perfect, especially since I was sick and exhausted after that week of school. It was comfortable and sweet and...

I really am excited for when I can see him everyday.

I love him so much.

I couldn't believe I can't believe we've been together for seven months. We're both taking the ACT (my second re-take, his first time) on our eight-month anniversary, February 12th.

Last week, at work, he asked for my birthday off because he felt so horrible for having to work on our anniversary.

I don't know what my family plans on doing for my birthday or even what I want to do but Nick says if my family does do something, he won't mind coming along.

I really don't want anything for my birthday. I don't even want my birthday.

I don't want to turn 18.

I'll be driving as soon as I can. I actually really want to now.

It's just that turning 18 is turning into an adult. I need a job, I'll be going off to college in the fall and I’ll be on my way to being all grown up.

It's kind of scary.

But it'll be all right.

I love you.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 19 January :: 5.36 pm

I hope Katie's parents are home for her birthday. She's majorly stressed out. She needs hugs and hugs. And love.

And she needs to be happy on her birthday.

Always the first star that I find