I reach for the bottle and disappear

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I reach for the bottle and disappear

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:: 2013 8 July :: 9.44pm

In denial about who I am.

Keep finding out I'm nowhere close to as wonderful as I think I am.

I'm just a weird dork. Bland, lifeless , 9-to-5er. Old bones, fat body, no sense of purpose or direction.

I'm the zombie I never wanted to become.

And I don't know how to escape.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 2 July :: 12.18pm

You never ask me what's wrong when we are alone, and will be alone for a while.

You seem to think I'm only upset and depressed when I'm at work.

But you hardly ever talk to me outside of work unless I start the conversation.

My world could be crumbling all around me, and you only care to ask me what's going on when we are surrounded by all of our fellow employees and bosses. Like I'm going to just burst it out and tell you what's been going on.

Not that anything in particular is going on. Other than almost all of my friends turning out to be complete ass holes. And that I am chemically imbalanced. And that I started a new medication. Which are all things I've told you but you never care to remember. You're head is too full of stupid celebrity bullshit and pictures of half naked women.

Honestly I wouldn't care if you didn't make such a huge point of being "best friends". Really it's best fair weather friends. You already have a friend who needs constant emotional support.

I'm just fucking tired of spending every second we're here in that stupid room working on ever single project you get your hands on, and then hearing you complain about how busy you are and how you'll never get it all done, but you refuse to delegate any of it because you want to be the only one who gets recognized for how great you are at playing the corporate game.

I'm just tired. So tired. And I just need a vacation from feelings. Just a tiny one.

:: 2013 30 June :: 7.12pm

Mmmm... Gary Cooper <3

Watching Mr. Deeds Goes To Town, which is the original to Mr. Deeds. And I think both of these movies are fantastic.

:: 2013 28 June :: 3.23pm

Downside to carpooling: not being able to run the fuck away from people when the workday is over.

:: 2013 27 June :: 3.05pm

Maybe I'm just imagining everything.. Maybe I'm not really depressed? The last two times I saw my doctor he asked me how my therapy was going. And I tell him I did one session and the counselor told me everything I was feeling was normal, and that everything I was going through was typical and she made me feel like there wasn't actually anything wrong, nothing to be fixed, my feelings are simply the product of my 25 year old mind and that things get better when I'm 50 and I have things figured out. And he seems deflated and makes a cringe and tells me that what I feel isn't normal. This time he recommended a different therapist, so I will contemplate seeing him.

I just don't know who to believe. I mean.. Maybe I'm just a sensitive person who happens to cry a lot and often feels that life is pointless and empty. That's pretty typical I guess? Some people I know feel those things too. So is it normal? Is this what normal feels like?

I'm very torn. Should I keep paying all this money to be on pills that might just be a placebo? And just put up with the annoying side effects of not being on the pills to save money? Should I try therapy again for the millionth time? Maybe this new doctor can fix me so I can have meaningful relationships again.

I have been single for almost 6 months now. And I have really been enjoying my time... But doubt and fear is starting to crawl into my mind. I'm starting to worry ill be alone forever, a spinster. Already I know my friends have outside lives, and sometimes itself like I any even talk with my friends anymore. Two in particular - Zoe and Samie. They both seem to have gone off a deep end and sometimes I just wish I could get away from them. Take a vacation from them and forget they exist for a while.

My sister gave me some good advice the other day.. To start sticking up for myself. She said when she started gaining most of her closest friends was at the time she started saying no and not being a door mat. I spend so much of my time, energy, and money on my friends, and a majority of them hardly ever reciprocate. I think I'm just so afraid of being alone and abandoned that I take what little love I can.

I'm hoping losing this weight will solve some of my problems.. My confidence, my chronic pain, my lethargy, some mood issues, maybe even help my sleep patterns. I just need to be dedicated. And that's the hardest part.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 26 June :: 12.18pm

All I can do is hope.

:: 2013 23 June :: 1.17am

It gets better.. It gets better.. It will get better. Things will get better.. Please let things get better..

Because I honestly don't think I can hold on much longer.

:: 2013 22 June :: 11.37pm

I just want to say:

FUCK HUMANITY
YOU ARE ALL COCKSUCKING CHIMO BABYFUCKERS
I HOPE YOU ALL DIE SLOW, PAINFUL AND TERRIFYING DEATHS

:: 2013 20 June :: 2.29pm

Samie has a new lesbian love interest in her life, who is way better than me.

It makes me feel a little jealous and a little angry.

:: 2013 18 June :: 9.48pm

All I want to do is take shots of tequila while listen to favorite songs overlooking something beautiful. Feel the cold air on my skin, feel the exhilaration of sharing an experience and emotions. Feeling alive and vital and that my existence is shared in a passionate and meaningful way.

:: 2013 18 June :: 6.38pm

I need to learn how to just shut the fuck up.

:: 2013 16 June :: 3.15pm

I hate parties.

I've been really negative lately. I need to fix that.

:: 2013 14 June :: 9.38am

I JUST WANT TO FUCKING BREAK BEAUTIFUL AND FRAGILE OBJECTS

FUCK I HAVE SO MUCH RAGE INSIDE ME

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 14 June :: 6.10am

Friday.. Friday..
It is FINALLY Friday. I hate working 5 8's. The weeks go by soooooo slow and the weekends to much too fast.

I'm going to try and get some crochet stuff done. I've been slacking big time, and I need some stress relief.

I slept in the attic last night, which isn't scary like it used to be, just uncomfortable. I kept waking up hoping it was 6am haha

:: 2013 10 June :: 1.59pm

Resisting the urge to scream "fuck you" to everyone I interact with today.

:: 2013 6 June :: 11.00am
:: Music: displaced

So, been on the methylated folate for maybe 4 days, which I'm not sure is long enough to notice a change, but the past few days I've felt worse than normal...

Last night was the worst. I had all these horrible, negative, disgusting thoughts racing through my head. And nothing helped to turn them off. I haven't been sleeping very well lately, and the past few days I've been feeling foggy, dizzy and completely out of it. I've been more irritable lately too.

I'm excited for the future and I'm proud of where my life is going, but I just feel wrong. I can't help but look at all the people I love, see their problems and know that all I really can do is be there and that's it... It's hard. I probably interfere more than I should, but its next to impossible to just watch...

In my life I'm still fighting the good fight, but knowing that ultimately I will lose. It wears me down and all I want to do is find means to escape.

3 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 1 June :: 1.59pm

i'm pretty sure my anti-depressant is merely a placebo. taking it 4 hours late should affect me this much. i just want to bury myself in my blankets and cry myself to sleep.

everything hurts, everything feels so painful. i feel so unloved and unknown. i feel like a fleeting afterthought and a bitter memory.

i just want someone to take a second and make me feel like i'm important. and the worst part is i know my friends do take time to make me feel important.. but it's never enough.

i'm just hopelessly ridiculous.

:: 2013 29 May :: 6.28am
:: Mood: excited

Final payment date on my debt plan: June 3

Start shopping for a new car a month later

Then it's Emily's birthday

And starting today I'm taking back my willpower and changing myself

I will do this.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 25 May :: 4.29pm

Feel like an empty husk. Tears on the edge of my ducts. A knot building in the back of my throat.

:: 2013 19 May :: 2.24pm

Shame murders progress.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 16 May :: 12.42pm

I just want to sleep forever.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 12 May :: 7.25pm

I hate always being right about people.

Every day is a new eye opening experience at how much people fucking suck.

I just want to cuddle with my puppy and cry my eyes out.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 9 May :: 7.07am
:: Mood: insecure

i am feeling extremely vulnerable right now.

so many doubts keep repeating in my head, so much negative self talk.

i don't know how i feel anymore about this, or about my life in general.

i feel lost and angry and hurt and confused, and nothing has even happened yet. i just have this nagging doubt that he's going to turn out to be like everyone else. because every time i let myself believe that someone isn't going to be just another asshole, they prove me wrong.

i hate to be so negative about it, but this has been what i've noticed over the last several years. people in general are so shallow, harsh, rude, ignorant, selfish and disgusting. we are all hypocrites, and a majority doesn't have any redeeming qualities to balance it out.

i'm trying not to psych myself out, but its challenging. i need to just keep telling myself that even if it does turn out he's like everyone else, at least i got to have fun in san fran.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 8 May :: 10.14pm

I really am a fat worthless sack of shit. Fuck.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 6 May :: 6.28am
:: Mood: determined

Today is the first day on my new shift as well as the first day of working out at Physzique again. I'm feeling good about where I'm at today, but I am worried that my motivation will fade in the next few weeks. It's hard to keep caring about anything.

Friday I fly down to San Francisco to see Kirk. I'm extremely nervous and excited. I haven't seen him in almost five years. It's crazy how long it's been. Hopefully it goes awesome.

I want to say more, but I can't find the words. So much goes on, but I don't know how to record it.

3 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 30 April :: 12.46pm

We finally talked. Albeit a very brief talk, it really cleared the air. We both feel much better.

I've been so ridiculously tired lately. And cold. And I just want to curl into a ball and sleep forever. I don't want to get out of bed, or do my homework, or even put in the effort to communicate with people I love because it just is so exhausting.

I don't even try to cook anymore.

I'm hoping they finally put me on some medicine to help. Maybe then I can lose some weight. And do things.

:: 2013 28 April :: 12.23pm

There is a reason I'd be mad. There is a metric fuck tonne of offline work to be done today and you want to skip because you know this.

I'm pretty fucking angry to be honest.
But I'm not going to guilt trip you.
You're an adult, you do your own thing.

But don't expect me to be happy for you.

:: 2013 27 April :: 11.59pm

It's sad how one little prick can ruin your night.

I just hate how men are constantly controlling, spiteful, spoiled assholes. I just want to cut off all their dicks, throw them on a pyre and force them to watch it burn. I want to hear them crying and screaming, helpless. I want them to know what it feels like to be dominated and belittled for purely selfish and stupid reasons, and then be tossed aside like yesterday's refuse.

I have so much hatred and anger inside of me right now.
I need some mellow music.
I can't wait to see Bjorne tonight and hold him extra tight.

Fuck.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2013 22 April :: 8.12pm
:: Music: Always love

Where do you run to escape from yourself?
It's always amazing how the world can seem so perfect, beautiful, right. And then it suddenly turns into this disgusting carnival ride that you wish you could get off from. But you're alone, and everyone is standing and staring at you. Judging you. Being jealous of how fucked up your life is.

I'm sitting in this abandoned hallway at work. No one will find me here. I can sit and listen to my music and contemplate how everything got so incredibly fucked up in my mind.

I'm going to move out. I'm going to live by myself. I'm going to have sex. Whenever the fuck I feel like it. And I'm going to cry myself to sleep when I feel like it, without worrying that I'll wake someone up who cares that I'm crying myself to sleep.

I hate this constant flux between good and wretched. I hate how I feel so immaculate, happy, eager to live one moment and the next I just want to cry and scream and break defy beautiful thing I've ever made. I feel like if I wasn't as intelligent I would have become a drug addict by now. I can see the appeal of a chemical that just makes you feel good. And then doing anything to get that good feeling back. Such a huge distraction from how seriously fucked up you are in your mind.

It's painful, seeing how my life is going in this ridiculously positive direction, but my mind seems to be degrading. What do I do? How can I fix this?

Music seems to be the cure.

:: 2013 21 April :: 12.34am

Tonight FUCKING SUCKS.

I just want it to be bed time so I can try again tomorrow.

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