I reach for the bottle and disappear

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I reach for the bottle and disappear

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:: 2024 15 January :: 7.08am

I broke my right foot a couple years ago, it's healed up fine ... but now my left foot causes me excruciating pain after walking even short distances. I'm seeing the doctor this week but it's made exercising nearly impossible and it's extremely depressing.

this winter has also just been giving horrible so far. it's been in the negatives all week. now we are finally maybe getting our first real snow, followed by shitty rain. it's always dark.

I might take some classes at the community college in the spring just to give me something to do. my joints hurts so much anymore I don't crochet or do any crafts, I just sit on the couch and watch YouTube obsessively. it's fucking sad. maybe I just want to love it my last few months kids free doing stupidly mindless shit?

I'm in my second trimester and haven't gained any weight, which I am very proud of. the first Dr I saw said I should gain 30lbs, which would essentially be undoing all my hard work over the past year. that really fucking brings me down too. this journey i thought would be fun and exciting but it's mostly just been painful and sad. hopefully I don't have ridiculous post partum depression once the nugget arrives, but I'm deeply concerned...

why am I just such a pile of trash? my body hates me, my mind hates me... am I even worth anything?

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2023 23 December :: 6.43am

well... I quit my job at JoAnn... the one on the south hill is such an absolute joke I had to leave in the middle of my shift and cry in my car for a couple hours. I don't understand corporate decisions on hours and shit but what they are doing there is just fucking wrong.

way too stressful for me and my strawberry. I have this awful feeling of guilt over it, but I know it's the right decision.

but watching and partaking in the slow collapse of our society really took a heavy toll on my heart and my mind. this country is a fast sinking ship and no one wants to help bail out the water.

and those who do want to help are quickly burnt out and tossed off the side.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2023 5 December :: 5.13am

I think at this point I can spill the beans... well bean (singular)

I am almost 8 weeks pregnant! after a few miscarriages I think this one is going to stick around. I'm due in July, two days after my bestie's birthday and once day after my brother's birthday.

I am so excited to embark on this journey with my husband. I have lost 35 lbs in preparation and have been trying very hard to eat healthy and exercise regularly.

we saw it's lil heart beating on an ultrasound, it was the size of a blueberry. I almost cried. it looks like part of the horse head nebula in there. morning sickness is fucking horrible and same with the cramps, insomnia and pains... I miss sushi. but all are small prices to pay for an opportunity like this.

been working at a craft store part time. it wears me the fuck out and makes me fuckin hate boomers but the discount is nice and I have my own spending money. it's also an excuse to get out of the house and meet new people. not everyone is bad but we don't have too many people working any given day so it's exhausting trying to do the job of 3 people with just one. my supervisor said I do so well he forgot I'm new.

I was so scared to tell my parents because they always said don't have kids, but when I told mom she was SO excited. I haven't really told my dad yet, just because I don't want to lose it and have to tell him that too. he fell down the stairs the other day.. fractured 3 ribs and punctured a lung, had to stay overnight on the hospital. he's doing better but damn. they are getting old :(

I am so scared I'm going to be a terrible mom. or the world will be so fucked up life will be really hard for them as they grow up. but we talked to a financial advisor and he said we are in great shape for our age and that we can even afford for me to be a stay at home mom. I think that'll make a huge difference in it kids life.

ahhhh so much stuff

5 left me love | leave me love

:: 2023 4 December :: 9.32pm

You are literally killing me. I have heart pains from this. This is completely unsustainable. It's impossible being in this, with you. It doesn't matter if I enjoy your company when things are good or if I love you deeply, it is causing my limited time on this earth to be all the more limited due to the incredible stress you put me through every other day.

I can't do this anymore.

:: 2023 12 November :: 7.23am

don't want to make any announcements, but some big news is in the works.

just don't want to jinx it.

working at the craft store has been such a fun experience! I love getting to do a bunch of different things, being active at my job, the discount is amazing. my coworkers.... all much younger than me, stoned at work all the time, baby faced complainers. but as long as I just put my head down and stay on task shit just feels right.

I know our how will be cut after the holidays, but I am hopeful that maybe I'm valuable enough to keep around. if not, that's fine too.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2023 18 October :: 12.52pm

"i love you much (most beautiful darling)

more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky

—sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life) the true time of year—

and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each

nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love"

-e.e. cummings

:: 2023 17 September :: 1.41pm

everything is going so well

so why do I feel my soul imploding

my whole life no one ever wanted to listen to me, trust me, have faith in me.

how do I earn those things? I am at the end of my rope.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2023 6 September :: 8.11am

my husband and I have been trying to conceive

I've had at least 2 chemical pregnancies. it's been heartbreaking, and difficult not to think there's something wrong with me.

but since I am considered geriatric in terms of womanhood, it will probably be a very difficult journey.

not sure I'm ready, but my husband is the most amazing man in the world and with his support I feel like I can accomplish anything.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2023 19 August :: 7.01am

it's all burning down.

and I'm going up in smoke right with it.

I can't express the depths like I can't express these breaths.

I am a fundamentally damaged person, and maybe I'm broken completely?

what good am I, anyway..?

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2023 24 July :: 2.45pm

been sitting back and watching the flux of the universe

ebbing and flowing, bringing bounty and ruin

through the chaos, bubbles form in the matter

sparking a sense of organization and meaning once lost on me

despite the constant flood of bad news and terroristic acts, my heart has found a raft in his love

weather beaten and storm torn, I still feel stunning and resolute when his baby blues rest lovingly upon my corpulent frame

I just want to be better every day to make him proud of me, because I want to be proud of me, because I believe in the him that believes in me

we are all living on a spiral, and instead of out, I am lovingly spiraling up

:: 2023 7 July :: 2.03pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

I am now a Mrs! we eloped on Tuesday because the small group we invited to the ceremony started getting very... selfish? so we just did our own thing. we had sushi at our favorite restaurant and everyone got along and had a beautiful time.

the fire pit and patio are huge successes!! we have had 4 fires so far, and I just can't get enough toasted marshmallows. our butterfly garden is starting to really take off, but some critter keeps coming in at night trying to fuck shit up!

also finally losing weight. my last day at work is the 14th and I already feel like this huge weight is lifted off my back....

next on the agenda... buy a house so my disabled friend can live in it and get out of the shitty section 8 housing complex she is stuck in. this has been a dream for a very long time, and my partner is completely on board with the idea. having an actual partner who always meets me at least halfway is just... remarkable.

I didn't think life could feel this good. I just hope it's not short lived. I know this marriage will take a lot of work, but he's worth it.

I could just pop, so happy.

3 left me love | leave me love

:: 2023 26 May :: 10.27pm

life is a rollercoaster ride that you are either too short or too tall for.

my heart is the fullest it's ever been. I finally feel optimistic for the future. I finally see there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

plans for a hummingbird garden and a fire pit are coming together. the big day is set for the end of next month. I can't believe this is real life. I feel stupid for waiting so long to reach out, but I love the whirlwind I'm wrapped up in.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2023 6 May :: 5.21pm

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2023 6 March :: 5.14pm

I hate these chronic feelings of being completely unimportant

:: 2023 1 March :: 10.35am

I am just a piece of shitty trash in the Pacific ocean garbage patch

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2022 23 December :: 3.44am

I keep dreaming of us living in different places together.

I dream that you are all torn up, that you're broken and sad.

I hurt for you, with you. I do miss you.

"you once called me forever, now you still can't call me back"

:: 2022 26 November :: 1.35pm

https://youtu.be/iWG6apzIWAk

:: 2022 17 November :: 4.11pm

when every song puts me into your point of view

each tune is a tune i wish I could share with you

but you had to go fuck it all up

:: 2022 16 October :: 7.24pm

words are cheap.

anyone can say "I love you", but not many can show it

did you ever love me?

:: 2022 7 September :: 4.25pm
:: Mood: pensive

When destiny calls you
You must be strong (you gotta be strong)
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2022 4 September :: 7.00am

I've got my training to become a UPS driver this week, feel like my brain is going to explode trying to memorize all the information they're going to drill me on, but I'm so excited to finally start the career I've wanted since I was a kid.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2022 12 August :: 8.48am

things are good, real good

yet I can feel the sword of damacles hanging over me

:: 2022 25 July :: 10.23am

there has to be something wrong with me

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2022 9 June :: 6.27pm

having one of those may I please die now days

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2022 24 April :: 9.07am

major life changes I'm not ready for are my least favorite

but respecting myself is more important to me than being loved, shy of 7 years I had to let you go.

I love you, the feelings don't just disappear. being sons you make me feel like I used to, but at the same time everything we have gone through leaves a disgusting bitter taste in my mouth.

I believe in you. all I have ever wanted is to see you succeed and take the life you deserve. but I started enabling the bad habits with no recourse. no one is innocent in the situation.

not how I wanted to spend my birthday, 4/20, or our anniversary. and soon you'll be back in the tricities and I won't have the option of just driving down and seeing you.

why do things have to come to this every time..? four long term relationships crashing and burning. each one gets worse and worse. every time I come back stronger, but a piece of my heart also rots away.

I'm just ready for something to be easy

:: 2022 7 April :: 9.12am

I'm drowning in overwhelming sorrow

:: 2022 12 March :: 8.42am

listening to a mix tape my sister made her (now-ex) boyfriend but never gave him. it's literally my favorite ever. the songs flow so perfectly, each one is beautiful and meaningful.

I've never made anything so wonderful. I often wonder if maybe I really am a waste of paint.. I don't make beautiful things, I am not thoughtful, I am a selfish Lil worm.

but somehow I still have so many absolutely remarkable people in my life, who genuinely love me for who I am, even at my most crazy, even when I make the same mistakes over and over again.

i saw a friend I hadn't seen in over two years, we went to Frank's and had mimosas, smoked a bowl in the parking lot, and finished with a cigarette. we laughed the whole time, and we have so much in common. I've really missed seeing her, and after I felt this bliss and joy I hadnt felt in a long time.

I've lost myself a little, and I'm having a hard time getting back up to the path, if there was ever a path in the first place...

not sure where I'm even going anymore.

:: 2021 30 December :: 6.25am
:: Mood: lonely

I've got time for you, you make me wanna die without trying to...

cuz I need someone else who every night remembers I exist...

the only thing I can count on is you not coming through...

Still I taught her to breathe when you're low and you're deep underwater..

Stay faithful, remember what you love, so when the world gets painful you become your own god...

one day, they'll post all my mistakes.

:: 2021 22 December :: 5.03am

if I was BPII, this is what we would call a hypo manic phase. this is when I feel confident, positive, optimistic and motivated to accomplish simple tasks I normally wouldn't have the energy for (such as baking cookies).

but I don't make impulse decisions and I don't engage in risky behavior in this phase. I definitely can't sleep.

but God damn if I'm not a ray of sunshine for my customers.

and sometimes I get to talk to very interesting person. yesterday was a recovering drug addict/alcoholic who had been married 18 years.. it was cathartic talking to someone who truly understands the losses I've had in my life and being able to relate to the pain and loss with another random stranger.

it helps me keep perspective that I'm not the only one with problems, and everyone has their own hardships, and it doesn't coat you anything to just...

to just be kind to one another.

:: 2021 18 December :: 11.01am

why is se7en such a good movie

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