godessalthena
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2023 17 September :: 1.41pm
everything is going so well
so why do I feel my soul imploding
my whole life no one ever wanted to listen to me, trust me, have faith in me.
how do I earn those things? I am at the end of my rope.
1 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2023 6 September :: 8.11am
my husband and I have been trying to conceive
I've had at least 2 chemical pregnancies. it's been heartbreaking, and difficult not to think there's something wrong with me.
but since I am considered geriatric in terms of womanhood, it will probably be a very difficult journey.
not sure I'm ready, but my husband is the most amazing man in the world and with his support I feel like I can accomplish anything.
1 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2023 19 August :: 7.01am
it's all burning down.
and I'm going up in smoke right with it.
I can't express the depths like I can't express these breaths.
I am a fundamentally damaged person, and maybe I'm broken completely?
what good am I, anyway..?
2 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2023 24 July :: 2.45pm
been sitting back and watching the flux of the universe
ebbing and flowing, bringing bounty and ruin
through the chaos, bubbles form in the matter
sparking a sense of organization and meaning once lost on me
despite the constant flood of bad news and terroristic acts, my heart has found a raft in his love
weather beaten and storm torn, I still feel stunning and resolute when his baby blues rest lovingly upon my corpulent frame
I just want to be better every day to make him proud of me, because I want to be proud of me, because I believe in the him that believes in me
we are all living on a spiral, and instead of out, I am lovingly spiraling up
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2023 7 July :: 2.03pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
I am now a Mrs! we eloped on Tuesday because the small group we invited to the ceremony started getting very... selfish? so we just did our own thing. we had sushi at our favorite restaurant and everyone got along and had a beautiful time.
the fire pit and patio are huge successes!! we have had 4 fires so far, and I just can't get enough toasted marshmallows. our butterfly garden is starting to really take off, but some critter keeps coming in at night trying to fuck shit up!
also finally losing weight. my last day at work is the 14th and I already feel like this huge weight is lifted off my back....
next on the agenda... buy a house so my disabled friend can live in it and get out of the shitty section 8 housing complex she is stuck in. this has been a dream for a very long time, and my partner is completely on board with the idea. having an actual partner who always meets me at least halfway is just... remarkable.
I didn't think life could feel this good. I just hope it's not short lived. I know this marriage will take a lot of work, but he's worth it.
I could just pop, so happy.
3 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2023 26 May :: 10.27pm
life is a rollercoaster ride that you are either too short or too tall for.
my heart is the fullest it's ever been. I finally feel optimistic for the future. I finally see there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
plans for a hummingbird garden and a fire pit are coming together. the big day is set for the end of next month. I can't believe this is real life. I feel stupid for waiting so long to reach out, but I love the whirlwind I'm wrapped up in.
1 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2023 6 March :: 5.14pm
I hate these chronic feelings of being completely unimportant
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2023 1 March :: 10.35am
I am just a piece of shitty trash in the Pacific ocean garbage patch
1 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 23 December :: 3.44am
I keep dreaming of us living in different places together.
I dream that you are all torn up, that you're broken and sad.
I hurt for you, with you. I do miss you.
"you once called me forever, now you still can't call me back"
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 26 November :: 1.35pm
https://youtu.be/iWG6apzIWAk
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 17 November :: 4.11pm
when every song puts me into your point of view
each tune is a tune i wish I could share with you
but you had to go fuck it all up
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 16 October :: 7.24pm
words are cheap.
anyone can say "I love you", but not many can show it
did you ever love me?
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 7 September :: 4.25pm
:: Mood: pensive
When destiny calls you
You must be strong (you gotta be strong)
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together
1 left me love |
leave me love
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poisonedheart
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2022 4 September :: 7.00am
I've got my training to become a UPS driver this week, feel like my brain is going to explode trying to memorize all the information they're going to drill me on, but I'm so excited to finally start the career I've wanted since I was a kid.
1 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 12 August :: 8.48am
things are good, real good
yet I can feel the sword of damacles hanging over me
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 25 July :: 10.23am
there has to be something wrong with me
1 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 9 June :: 6.27pm
having one of those may I please die now days
1 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 24 April :: 9.07am
major life changes I'm not ready for are my least favorite
but respecting myself is more important to me than being loved, shy of 7 years I had to let you go.
I love you, the feelings don't just disappear. being sons you make me feel like I used to, but at the same time everything we have gone through leaves a disgusting bitter taste in my mouth.
I believe in you. all I have ever wanted is to see you succeed and take the life you deserve. but I started enabling the bad habits with no recourse. no one is innocent in the situation.
not how I wanted to spend my birthday, 4/20, or our anniversary. and soon you'll be back in the tricities and I won't have the option of just driving down and seeing you.
why do things have to come to this every time..? four long term relationships crashing and burning. each one gets worse and worse. every time I come back stronger, but a piece of my heart also rots away.
I'm just ready for something to be easy
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 7 April :: 9.12am
I'm drowning in overwhelming sorrow
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2022 12 March :: 8.42am
listening to a mix tape my sister made her (now-ex) boyfriend but never gave him. it's literally my favorite ever. the songs flow so perfectly, each one is beautiful and meaningful.
I've never made anything so wonderful. I often wonder if maybe I really am a waste of paint.. I don't make beautiful things, I am not thoughtful, I am a selfish Lil worm.
but somehow I still have so many absolutely remarkable people in my life, who genuinely love me for who I am, even at my most crazy, even when I make the same mistakes over and over again.
i saw a friend I hadn't seen in over two years, we went to Frank's and had mimosas, smoked a bowl in the parking lot, and finished with a cigarette. we laughed the whole time, and we have so much in common. I've really missed seeing her, and after I felt this bliss and joy I hadnt felt in a long time.
I've lost myself a little, and I'm having a hard time getting back up to the path, if there was ever a path in the first place...
not sure where I'm even going anymore.
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2021 30 December :: 6.25am
:: Mood: lonely
I've got time for you, you make me wanna die without trying to...
cuz I need someone else who every night remembers I exist...
the only thing I can count on is you not coming through...
Still I taught her to breathe when you're low and you're deep underwater..
Stay faithful, remember what you love, so when the world gets painful you become your own god...
one day, they'll post all my mistakes.
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2021 22 December :: 5.03am
if I was BPII, this is what we would call a hypo manic phase. this is when I feel confident, positive, optimistic and motivated to accomplish simple tasks I normally wouldn't have the energy for (such as baking cookies).
but I don't make impulse decisions and I don't engage in risky behavior in this phase. I definitely can't sleep.
but God damn if I'm not a ray of sunshine for my customers.
and sometimes I get to talk to very interesting person. yesterday was a recovering drug addict/alcoholic who had been married 18 years.. it was cathartic talking to someone who truly understands the losses I've had in my life and being able to relate to the pain and loss with another random stranger.
it helps me keep perspective that I'm not the only one with problems, and everyone has their own hardships, and it doesn't coat you anything to just...
to just be kind to one another.
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2021 18 December :: 11.01am
why is se7en such a good movie
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2021 9 December :: 1.53pm
I have a sudden urge to watch a shot at love 2 with Tila tequila
2 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2021 6 December :: 4.47am
it's funny how fast this disintegrated. it's funny how I'm always the one left holding the rope.
it's funny that I always go after addicted narcissists.
it's funny how no one can really love me.
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2021 3 December :: 8.12am
how could lil amelia ever know this is how big amelia would be?
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2021 3 December :: 6.27am
life is an empty picture frame. no memories worth keeping, no memories worth making.
nothing matters. life is absurd. I just want to set myself on fire and watch as I turn to ash.
what is the point to all of this? my purpose in life is to push pencils and make money for soulless corporations. there is nothing bigger. the struggle against the machine is futile.
it all doesn't fucking matter.
so why am I so paralyzed
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2021 29 November :: 4.44am
a rusty old ghost, in a broken down machine
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2021 29 November :: 4.04am
been up since 3am, slept like shit. getting as high as I possibly can so I can stop crying.
I just need someone to talk to, but no one is around. don't have my car and stuck with these fucking mongrels.
I'm tires of feeling unimportant I'm tired of sleeping alone even though I'm with you.
I'm yet again just a bank account, a cold unfeeling ATM that needs some tender love and care.
I should have done more to keep Corry alive. if he hadn't died, this spiral would have started so early.. maybe we could have weathered the storms a little better if you were still here. I got you to the hospital and then I fucking abandoned you like a fucking yellowbelly rat.
I'm so so sorry. and I'll never get to tell you that. and you wint know. you won't know...
I feel so lost. 12 years of my life wasted with narcissistic alcoholics. I definitely have a type. and I'm really over it. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life then risk another mistake.
I'm such a half assed fuck up. thanks mom n dad for always loving me, no matter what stupid fucking mistakes I've made. I don't deserve you
leave me love
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