I reach for the bottle and disappear

:: 2014 27 November :: 9.54am

I dreamt about my grandpa last night...

i miss him so much..

:: 2014 24 November :: 4.53pm

you start a band and suddenly everyone wants to join!

auditioning zoe and myself as lead singer (zoe will probably win hahaha)

i am up to 3 chords now! D A and E!! I'm feeling pretty awesome! My fingers are getting tougher. Soon I will be LORD OF THE AX!!

I'm just psyched that this is really happening. it gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. and to not smoke so much when i get home.

i am so jazzed.

:: 2014 20 November :: 5.29am

Does it make you nervous
When you hear my bones
Animate my body
Without my soul?

I swear every time I listen to silversun pick ups I fall even more in love with them.

:: 2014 19 November :: 5.01pm

I bet I could teach jackie chan a thing or two.....

:: 2014 18 November :: 10.57pm

Cause life is just a slew of throwback Thursdays and flashback Fridays.

:: 2014 18 November :: 9.12pm

today has been quite a roller coaster

:: 2014 16 November :: 10.57am

GWAR has been hands down my favorite concert I've ever been to.

and now the fire in me to start a band has grown to a raging inferno.

TOTAL DOMINATION

:: 2014 14 November :: 10.22pm

Well the jerk store called - they're running out of you.

:: 2014 13 November :: 9.29am

my growing pains are always from growing apart.

I don't even know what to do. should I do anything? when is it right to fight for something and when isn't it?

I suppose these answers are all inside me. I just need to try and find them.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2014 12 November :: 7.33am

sometimes you just need a reminder that there are still racist fucks in the world.

damn that guy was fucking creepy.

:: 2014 7 November :: 9.57pm

God I'm fucking lame.

:: 2014 6 November :: 6.31am

we got processing the Sus saga.

I wear a lot of my emotions on my sleeve, but the feelings that Sus envokes are much more private. I'm not sure why I can only cry about it when I'm alone. I'm not sure why I need to put on a brave face.

the final section we will process is me, 24 to current. not a whole lot in the past two years. hopefully we'll be done soon :) haha yea right

:: 2014 4 November :: 11.09am

i cannot wait until i'm done with college.

these fuck faces are trying to say i plagiarized a paper. i would never do something like that. EVER.

so i call my academic adviser and he says that it's probably that i didn't cite something properly. i have been writing papers and turning them into these stupid fucking robots for two years and have never once had an issue with this. i know how fucking APA guidelines work. I know how to properly cite my sources.

fuck you, ashford university. fuck you constellation. fuck you turn it in. fuck you grand canyon university. fuck online schools. fuck plagiarizing assfucks that made this all possible.

fuck "higher" education. what a fucking joke.

:: 2014 3 November :: 2.33pm

I'd have to say the party was a success, most people canceled, but the ones who came were the most important anyway <3 and I didn't even want a big party, so I got my wish without having to cancel.

i wanna say more, but I don't really want to type right meow, so.. more to come later!

:: 2014 30 October :: 9.38pm

I just want to be held and told it'll all be okay.

I feel so alone. and disgusting.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2014 28 October :: 8.02pm

sometimes everything just feels so blah, you find yourself in bed at 730, texting people who are not on the same page as you, feeling bleh about them.

it's just so much bleh, blah, meh, eh... who cares?

19 credits left at school. work is slowing down (I'm almost catch up). ospe time is soon. so not into that this year.

this weekend needs to be over right stay now

:: 2014 25 October :: 6.34pm

I really miss drugs

3 left me love | leave me love

:: 2014 23 October :: 10.37am

canceled my hair cut yesterday since it was it was my last opportunity to be alone before Mike gets here. I'm already exhausted just thinking about all the social interaction I'll be having while he's here.

then I think about the rest of my life, and wonder if maybe I should try to be more social or risk regretting these years as wasted since I'm young and free currently.

and then I think "fuck it" and remain antisocial, because a lot of the time being alone is just so fantastic. I think the part I love the most is nobody expects me to talk. it's just so nice, not feeling pressured to participate in a conversation. not needing to think of something interesting or relevant to say. not worrying whether I'm being boring or sounding stupid or something. I really hate talking. I like listening. hate talking.

I'm not even sure why I hate it so much. I haven't had a negative experience involving me talking in quite a while, so what makes me dread it so much? no clue. but here's to hoping someday it goes away!

:: 2014 20 October :: 11.43am

I don't think its really as bad as all that.

when it rains it pours though.

and right now I feel like I might get caught in the undertow

:: 2014 18 October :: 3.25pm

If your man don't want to lick it, I volunteer as tribute. You niggas on them Hunger Games, I'm eating O's like onion rings.

:: 2014 16 October :: 8.13pm

ALEXZ FIXED MY COMCAST!!!

she is magic I fucking swear. I am so fucking jazzed I could dance

fuck this is awesome

:: 2014 16 October :: 9.54am

after my appointment I went home and started to sketch the drawing she asked me to make a month ago. needless to say I hated everything I drew.

I need to update my style. I don't even watch anime anymore, and I feel like my drawings are so childish now.

I am really excited for after work. I might leave early for mental health reasons but I seem to be managing the sad pretty well.

we went thru 18-21 last night. those were probably some of the worst years of my life. I had successfully forgotten about a lot of the things that surfaced in the session. I honestly don't know how I survived. those were dark days.

:: 2014 14 October :: 11.57am

"just because you're small doesn't mean you aren't important"

:: 2014 14 October :: 11.01am

this job is an endless fountain of misery for me. I hate the system, I hate the bureaucracy, the fake asinine entitled fuck heads in the department. I hate all the stupid fucking meetings.

I am so bad at what I do. and by bad I mean I'm extremely average. and that destroys my self esteem but I also can't find enough fucks to give to actually try to do better.

everyone gets kudos, except me. because I don't really fucking try. cuz what will it do? I don't have new revolutionary ideas, I don't see the problems in the machine, so no matter how hard I work, I'll still get a shitty review. so what's the point?

no one gives two shits about me here. I'm just a number. a warm body.

fuck LEAN methodology. fuck lms. I'm fucking done

:: 2014 3 October :: 10.43am

heading to ocean shores with Emily :D soooooo pumped!!

:: 2014 30 September :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: funky fresh
:: Music: better than ezra

I got a little bit of hope,
Like a soap on a rope
Sweeter than sour
Gettin' thinner by the hour
Fallin' fast and I'm runnin' out of gas
Noggin' on your sister smart as Bobby Fisher
Still I couldn't get arrested
Though I got more hooks
Than Madonna got looks
Just like that AC/DC song,
"C'mon baby, shake me all night long"

All I want to do
Is get up early in the morning
(oh I love you baby)
And all I gotta say to you
Is your love's extra ordinary
You're extra ordinary baby

Somebody pushed me through the door
I've been sleepin' on the floor
Thirty one flavors listen to
The neighbors through the wall
And a deputant ball
Use a lot on Visa got a Mona Lisa
So much for the late brand
Cause your money's spent
And it's cold inside
Just like that Barenaked Ladies song
"I'm hot like a wasabe when I'm next to your body"

All I want to do
Is get up early in the morning
(oh I love you baby)
And all I gotta say to you
Is your love's extra ordinary
You're extra ordinary baby

Your love's such a sweet thing

:: 2014 27 September :: 1.50pm

this might be the one
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

- Khalil Gibran

:: 2014 26 September :: 12.31pm
:: Music: houses

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cPo-fGfj5i8
Follow the path that you made through the holes in my chest
I found all your pretty things tied into knots where they rest.

I stayed up all night in the color soaked dreams you project
But you find me alone when the sun resonates in my head

And I just want to see you around
I just want your back to my front all night long as it is

And I thought that I figured it out
I burned all the videotapes that we watched as a kid

I stayed up all night in a daze where your body had been
and you'll find me alone in the morning with all of our sins

:: 2014 26 September :: 9.03am
:: Mood: jubilant

life is so beautiful.

and things are so good.

and tomorrow will be sunny.

and I can't wait to carpe diem the shit out of every day.

cuz #yolo so brush your teeth and look both ways before you cross the street.